Do Not Disturb (2016) s01e03 Episode Script
Dosing
You want a pretzel? She wants a million pretzels, but instead, she's just watching you eat.
It's a mental appetite suppressant.
You know what else works? Imagining someone throw up.
Or if I'm really hungry, picturing someone I love getting into a car accident.
Mm.
I use that same stuff during sex.
You know, to put the brakes on.
That was the front desk.
Rhonda's on her way down.
Pucker up, people.
Pucker up? What's going on? 'sItvaluation day.
Every six months Rhonda and Neal sit down and decide what our bonuses should be.
What do they base it on? How good you are at your job.
What?! Why didn't any of you dongs tell me this?! I've been bringing my "C" game since I got here.
ALL: Hey, Rhonda.
Wow, what you reading there? You look hot.
Looking good.
Love the earrings.
Super skinny.
Oh, yeah.
Wouldn't this be a wonderful way to start my day if I didn't know you were all just working me? And what about you? What you got for me? I'd like to think that any bonus I receive will be d on the passion and skill I bring to my job.
And? I'd totally do you.
Gus, that was offensive.
Don't speak for me.
You don't know what I like.
Rhonda, I really need this bonus.
My roommate moved out and stuck me with all the rent.
What happened? I don't know-- something about me being a threat to her sobriety.
And I was like, "Whatever, I can't take you seriously with a glass of milk in your hand.
" Well, I really need this bonus, too.
I want to help buy robes for the children's choir at my church.
That way, they can look and sound like little angels.
Ugh, sometimes I st can't.
What about you, Red? What do you want? I want to get something special for my boyfriend.
Oh, that's so romantic.
What are you going to get him? Stenography classes.
Lucky lady.
I thought Victor was a playwright.
That's what I agreed to call him inple's therapy.
I just feel that he'd be so much more fulfilled if he had an actual job to go to every day.
I mean, he already spends all day writing those plays, so I thought why not put those quick little fingers to work putting down words that actually make sense together? I can't imagine why you're in therapy.
Listen up, people.
All right, as soon as Neal and I have Hey.
As soon as Neal have a chance to sit down together, we'll work out all this bonus business, all right? DARREN: Hey, Rhonda.
Come on.
I found this guy breaking into the locker room.
Uh, Darren, as much as I love seeing you manhandle anything, Austin works here.
He's a bartender.
Not anymore.
Neal fired me last night.
What? Why? What'd you do? thing, I swear.
He just hates me.
He's always hated me.
I don't know, maybe he's threatened by my looks.
A lot of people are, it's rough.
Baby, you don't have to tell me.
Neal, can you tell me why Austin is downstairs saying that you fired him? Yeah, I can explain that-- because I fired him.
Can you tell me why you fired him? Oh he bugs me.
(imitating buzzer) Wrong answer.
The category is, "real reasons to fire somebody.
" Rhonda, if it helps, he bugs me, too.
That because you slept with him and then don't want to see him every day.
Which bugs me.
How about that? Sounds like sexual harassment or something.
Nicole jumped him at a Christmas party.
Took him down like a hawk on a field mouse.
You, my friend, are down to your last strike.
All right, look, there's not any one reason.
He's just always been disrespectful to me.
Plus, he wears a pager, like he's a drug dealer or something.
Maybe he's a drug dealer.
Maybe that's why he's always late to work.
Is he always late? I don't know.
I'm always late.
(chuckles) (mocking chuckle) (imitating buzzer) I'm sorry, I can't accept any of those answers, but thank you very much for playing.
Hey, Rhonda, I can fire someone if I want to.
No, actually you can't.
Hey, hey, why is it every time I come around, you two are always going at it? No, we weren't really You know what I think it is? Chemistry.
Maybe for her.
Not a chance.
Don't argue.
That's what it is, it's chemistry.
You two have a real, uh Sam and Diane thing going.
You know, if Diane was black.
Cocktails on the plane, huh? It's good to see you, RJ.
I thought you were coming in with the missus.
Darling, when I told the doorman we get our own bags, I meant we, not me.
I'm supposed to read your mind all of a sudden like I'm some psychic at the mall? Hey, why is the beautiful wife of the owner carrying her own bags? That's my job.
Which I love.
Thank you, Gus.
Hey, no, thank you.
It is a privilege to be here.
Getting paid is just, a God, what's the word? Bonus.
Neal, I love what you've done with the place.
You have really made it your own.
Well, it's not his own, it's mine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But we all know who gave it its chm-- you.
You get more handsome every time I see you! Well, that's tacky.
Hey, Nicole RJ, always a pleasure.
What is blonde and hot and doing naked cartwhlseen my dreams? Me.
I am.
Love your riddles, RJ.
They don't make anyone uncomfortable.
(both laughing) (laughter subsides) (sighs) So are you guys just in for the weekend? Yeah, yeah, we need a little R & R, get away from the kids.
We think Scotty might be hurting the cat when no one's looking.
It's a whole thing.
Well, I'm gonna hit the steam.
Enjoy your stay, Mindy.
Let me know if there's anything I can do for you.
Anything, huh? I'm going to have to give that some thought.
Wow, what's 40 and neglected and wants to nail you? You kidding? She's RJ's wife.
I like being alive, thank you very much.
She is pretty sexy, though.
Like one of those hot neighborhood moms who asks you to help move her couch then says you look tense and gives you a neck rub where you can feel her boobies on the back of your head.
I'd totally judge you if I wasn't afraid that would be me in ten years.
Hey, can I get a quick scotch? You sure you should be drinking on the job? What are you doing here? Rhonda said I wasn't fired.
Really? Well, let's go talk to her about that.
Cool.
That'll give you two a chance to figure out my bonus.
Gus, haven't you taken an awfully long break? I'm sorry.
Are you handing out bonuses, headset? Sorry, Molly, no time for chitchat.
Got to go be awesome at my job.
Unh, looking good, boss lady.
It's a crock, but I want to put him in my pocket.
Oh, Rhonda, hi.
Have you and Neal had a chance to discuss these bonuses yet? Because I could really use the money.
What happened? I called Victor, and he's really excited about the court stenography classes.
He gave up on being a playwr? Yeah, sort of.
Okay, it's maybe possible that I told him that he's taking classes to learn how to write courtroom dramas, but I know that when he's there, he will fall in love with stenography.
As so many others have.
NEAL: Here we go, right this way.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is this? I was going to ask you why Austin is under the impression that he still works here.
Because I rehired him.
I'm the general manager of this hotel.
If I fire someone, they're fired.
Go home.
No, no, no.
I am head of human resources, so technically, I'm in charge of hiring and firing.
Austin, stay here.
I want him to go.
I want him to stay.
Do I get a vote? No! No! Let's finish this conversation in my office.
Don't get comfortable.
What are you looking at, headset? Rhonda, if I make a decision you've got to have my back.
If it's a foolish decision, I have to have their back.
You only ever have their backs.
You only ever act foolish.
Really? You're going out on a limb for Austin? The guy's only worked here for three months.
I don't care if I hired him yesterday.
You can't fire him with no good reason.
Great.
Finally, are they talking about our bonuses? NEAL (shouting): You're not listening to me! RHONDA (shouting): I've heard all I need to! Yes, and it sounds like Christmas is coming early this year.
They're fighting about him.
Heard you got canned.
I heard you're looking r a new roommate.
I heard you guys did it.
All right, you know what, I'm done here.
I can't talk to you anymore.
And that is how you break-dance.
Neal's in his office.
He's still pissed, and he's not going to talk to Rhonda.
Well, she's not going to go to him.
So, great, we're never going to get our bonuses.
All we have to do is get them to make up so they have the meeting.
Yeah, 'cause I didn't put in almost a half day's work for nothing.
I got this.
As a child of an alcoholic home, when my parents fought, I used to create a new crisis so they've have to come together to fix it.
You can't believe how many times they thought I was pregnant.
Can't we? Well, my parents used to argue all the time, too.
Like about bills and groceries and whatever.
This one time, my mom was having trouble with her 19-year-old boss and kind of stabbed him.
And my dad was like, "Caroline, not again.
" (chuckling): So, yeah.
So anyway, what I used to do to smooth things out was give one parent a gift and say it was from the other one.
Except this one time I gave my mom an letter opener, which I'll never forget, because I had to testify about it.
Uh It occurs to me that we could go another way.
Um, I was a psychology major.
Hofstra.
And we learned that the best way to confront someone is to mirror how they confront others.
So all I got to do is give Rhonda a taste of Rhonda.
Give me two minutes.
What the hell was that back there?! Excuse me? You know what I'm referring to.
"You're fired, you're hired.
I'm in charge.
No, I'm in charge.
" You are a grown-ass woman, so save the drama, go make up with Neal and get the hell on with whatever business you got! You feel me? Uh-uh, you don't get to do that.
All right, you want me and Neal to make up so you can get that bonus, but not so Victor will feel better about who he is, but so you'll feel better about who he is.
Now, you're a grown-ass woman.
So you "save the drama" and get the hell on out there with whatever business you got.
You feelme?! I do.
I do feel you, Rhonda.
She said she was gonna think about it.
Okay.
Oh, hey, Neal.
I was just making sure Austin got back to work okay.
Wow, self-righteous and smug.
I didn't realize you could do so many things at once.
I'm also chewing gum and fantasizing about punching you in the nuts.
There it is again, that undeniable chemistry.
No, that's not what this is.
She wants me so bad.
It's just like Hawkeye and Hot Lips, you know, if Hot Lips was black.
That's two.
Whoa, what a pistol.
You got to hold tight to that one.
(chuckles) So how's it going, RJ? Are you and Mindy enjoying your getaway? Oh, I sure am.
It's, it's just so nice having a couple of days just me and the missus.
You remember my girlfriend Sharon from Queens? Well, I'm gonna take her to a new club tonight, so I want you to watch Mindy, you know, keep her occupied.
Keep her busy.
You know the drill, right? re.
I'm just not so sure how comfortable I am Hey, calm down.
She's already drinking so she'll be passing out in a few hours.
Her makeup's still on.
Cussing about her father did this, her father did that.
Sounds fun.
I'm looking forward to that.
Mm.
Give me another scotch.
And just so you know, you may have Rhonda fooled, but I'm watching you.
Hey, aren't you supposed to be watching me? Mindy, you changed into a lot less.
Are you okay? You seem so tense.
Ah! Hey, Rhonda, Neal asked me to give you this blueberry muffin.
He said, "Tell her I'm sorry and I hope we can work things out.
" Nice try.
Go.
Hey! Leave the muffin.
Rhonda, I need you to come upstairs.
Something's wrong with Neal.
If I ran up the steps every time there was something wrong with Neal, I'd be as scrawny as you.
Aw, thank you.
No, but seriously, he's acting really weird.
He's freaking all over RJ's wife.
It's like he's high or something.
I find it hardto bel would get crazy with RJ's wife.
I mean, the boy is stupid, but he's not that stupid.
Hey, stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I don't know what you are on but let's try and hold it together.
Okay.
Oh, look at the floor.
What? It looks like ice Let's be a skating team.
No.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, let's not.
Let's not do that.
Let's not.
What, what were you doing back there? Having a good time.
Mindy invited me upstairs for a bubble bath.
How good does a bubble bath sound right now, especially aft all this skating? Come on! Come.
What are you doing? What are you on? Nothing, I swear.
I just had one drink.
Ask your little drug dealer friend in the bar.
He's the one who served it to me.
Austin gave you a drink? Okay, hold on.
You, Larry, take Neal downstairs and do not let him out of your sight.
Okay, 'cause I guess I was doing nothing.
I don't care what you were doing.
He got dosed.
Help him.
Darren.
Yeah? Come with me.
Are you gonna give me a bubble bath? Uh, will it be reflected in my bonus? I cannot believe you would do this to Neal and after I went to bat for you? He totally deserved it.
You don't decide who deserves what around here, I do! Now, get out and don't ever come back! You know, I could have done that for you? Oh, no, baby that is my therapy right there.
But you can help mother put her shoes on.
Where is Neal? Oh, I locked him in your office.
I needed to call Victor.
You know what? You were right.
He's never asked me to change who I am, so I need to support who he is.
So, I've rented a little theater for his new play, and I will sit there for all six hours of it with a smile on my face and my fingernails dug into your arm because you're coming with me.
Oh, no.
What room is RJ's wife in? Neal, are you? Sweet baby Jergens, you are.
(hushed): What do you think you're doing? Her.
(giggling) Are you crazy? You better get out of there before RJ comes back.
But I haven't se her boobs yet.
I don't know what you took, but I love how fast it got your clothes off.
Girl, what is wrong with you?! Him I understand-- his brain's on drugs.
You must be rolling on pure Colombian ignorant.
Please, you think I don't know where my husband is tonit? I get to have some fun, too.
RJ's got his bimbo, and I got mine.
This bimbo could lose his job over this, And despite all the evidence to the contrary, I know how much s hib means to him.
You're killing my buzz, Rhonda.
RJ: Mindy, you in there? Visiting hours are over at the hospital.
Oh, hell.
I hear water.
You're trying to surprise me.
I hope so because I am in the mood for What the hell?! Oh, my God, RJ! Will you two explain to me are doing in my wife's bathtub while I am out visiting a sick aunt in the hospital? Why do you have a stamp on your hand? New hospital procedure.
You need it for the cancer ward.
Oh, really? You need a stamp of a devil with a pitchfork? It's an evil disease, Mindy.
Neal you want to explain this? Uh, yes, RJ, I would love to explain this.
You see RJ, you were right.
Neal and I are having an affair.
What? That's right, an affair.
A sordid, dirty interracial affair.
And-and there was a little mix-up.
We booked two rooms, one for me and Neal and one for you and Mindy.
And, well, you saw how we were arguing all day, and we just wanted to make up in this bathtub 'cause we're having an affair.
Rhonda wanted to apologize to me for, for being so wrong.
Ah ah! An affair? Mm-hmm.
I knew it.
I always said you two would be a good couple, just like Ross and Rachel, you know, if Rachel was black and Ross was less Jewie.
Thank you.
Who are any of these people? Come on, Mindy.
Let's leave these lovers alone.
Unless, what, you want to watch? Wait.
Do you? No.
ow what sobers you up quick? Is a massive hit of fear and adrenaline.
I bet.
That could have been really ugly.
Yes, it could have.
Thank you, Rhonda.
Don't mention it ever to anyone.
I can close my eyes if you want to get out first.
After this day? Boy, hit them jets and pass the champagne.
Really? Okay, where's my check, and where's the line of people waiting to thank me? Thank you for what? I'm the one that got Neal and Rhonda to make up.
Uh, no, they made up 'cause Neal was dosed.
Right.
Create a crisis, bring them back together.
You're the one who did it? Yeah, that one always works with my dad.
One time I spiked his martini with nail polish remover.
A couple weeks of my mom feeding him through a straw, he dumped his secretary, moved back home.
Wait.
So Austin got fired for nothing? Oh, no.
Neal's scotches were, like, half pee.
It's a mental appetite suppressant.
You know what else works? Imagining someone throw up.
Or if I'm really hungry, picturing someone I love getting into a car accident.
Mm.
I use that same stuff during sex.
You know, to put the brakes on.
That was the front desk.
Rhonda's on her way down.
Pucker up, people.
Pucker up? What's going on? 'sItvaluation day.
Every six months Rhonda and Neal sit down and decide what our bonuses should be.
What do they base it on? How good you are at your job.
What?! Why didn't any of you dongs tell me this?! I've been bringing my "C" game since I got here.
ALL: Hey, Rhonda.
Wow, what you reading there? You look hot.
Looking good.
Love the earrings.
Super skinny.
Oh, yeah.
Wouldn't this be a wonderful way to start my day if I didn't know you were all just working me? And what about you? What you got for me? I'd like to think that any bonus I receive will be d on the passion and skill I bring to my job.
And? I'd totally do you.
Gus, that was offensive.
Don't speak for me.
You don't know what I like.
Rhonda, I really need this bonus.
My roommate moved out and stuck me with all the rent.
What happened? I don't know-- something about me being a threat to her sobriety.
And I was like, "Whatever, I can't take you seriously with a glass of milk in your hand.
" Well, I really need this bonus, too.
I want to help buy robes for the children's choir at my church.
That way, they can look and sound like little angels.
Ugh, sometimes I st can't.
What about you, Red? What do you want? I want to get something special for my boyfriend.
Oh, that's so romantic.
What are you going to get him? Stenography classes.
Lucky lady.
I thought Victor was a playwright.
That's what I agreed to call him inple's therapy.
I just feel that he'd be so much more fulfilled if he had an actual job to go to every day.
I mean, he already spends all day writing those plays, so I thought why not put those quick little fingers to work putting down words that actually make sense together? I can't imagine why you're in therapy.
Listen up, people.
All right, as soon as Neal and I have Hey.
As soon as Neal have a chance to sit down together, we'll work out all this bonus business, all right? DARREN: Hey, Rhonda.
Come on.
I found this guy breaking into the locker room.
Uh, Darren, as much as I love seeing you manhandle anything, Austin works here.
He's a bartender.
Not anymore.
Neal fired me last night.
What? Why? What'd you do? thing, I swear.
He just hates me.
He's always hated me.
I don't know, maybe he's threatened by my looks.
A lot of people are, it's rough.
Baby, you don't have to tell me.
Neal, can you tell me why Austin is downstairs saying that you fired him? Yeah, I can explain that-- because I fired him.
Can you tell me why you fired him? Oh he bugs me.
(imitating buzzer) Wrong answer.
The category is, "real reasons to fire somebody.
" Rhonda, if it helps, he bugs me, too.
That because you slept with him and then don't want to see him every day.
Which bugs me.
How about that? Sounds like sexual harassment or something.
Nicole jumped him at a Christmas party.
Took him down like a hawk on a field mouse.
You, my friend, are down to your last strike.
All right, look, there's not any one reason.
He's just always been disrespectful to me.
Plus, he wears a pager, like he's a drug dealer or something.
Maybe he's a drug dealer.
Maybe that's why he's always late to work.
Is he always late? I don't know.
I'm always late.
(chuckles) (mocking chuckle) (imitating buzzer) I'm sorry, I can't accept any of those answers, but thank you very much for playing.
Hey, Rhonda, I can fire someone if I want to.
No, actually you can't.
Hey, hey, why is it every time I come around, you two are always going at it? No, we weren't really You know what I think it is? Chemistry.
Maybe for her.
Not a chance.
Don't argue.
That's what it is, it's chemistry.
You two have a real, uh Sam and Diane thing going.
You know, if Diane was black.
Cocktails on the plane, huh? It's good to see you, RJ.
I thought you were coming in with the missus.
Darling, when I told the doorman we get our own bags, I meant we, not me.
I'm supposed to read your mind all of a sudden like I'm some psychic at the mall? Hey, why is the beautiful wife of the owner carrying her own bags? That's my job.
Which I love.
Thank you, Gus.
Hey, no, thank you.
It is a privilege to be here.
Getting paid is just, a God, what's the word? Bonus.
Neal, I love what you've done with the place.
You have really made it your own.
Well, it's not his own, it's mine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But we all know who gave it its chm-- you.
You get more handsome every time I see you! Well, that's tacky.
Hey, Nicole RJ, always a pleasure.
What is blonde and hot and doing naked cartwhlseen my dreams? Me.
I am.
Love your riddles, RJ.
They don't make anyone uncomfortable.
(both laughing) (laughter subsides) (sighs) So are you guys just in for the weekend? Yeah, yeah, we need a little R & R, get away from the kids.
We think Scotty might be hurting the cat when no one's looking.
It's a whole thing.
Well, I'm gonna hit the steam.
Enjoy your stay, Mindy.
Let me know if there's anything I can do for you.
Anything, huh? I'm going to have to give that some thought.
Wow, what's 40 and neglected and wants to nail you? You kidding? She's RJ's wife.
I like being alive, thank you very much.
She is pretty sexy, though.
Like one of those hot neighborhood moms who asks you to help move her couch then says you look tense and gives you a neck rub where you can feel her boobies on the back of your head.
I'd totally judge you if I wasn't afraid that would be me in ten years.
Hey, can I get a quick scotch? You sure you should be drinking on the job? What are you doing here? Rhonda said I wasn't fired.
Really? Well, let's go talk to her about that.
Cool.
That'll give you two a chance to figure out my bonus.
Gus, haven't you taken an awfully long break? I'm sorry.
Are you handing out bonuses, headset? Sorry, Molly, no time for chitchat.
Got to go be awesome at my job.
Unh, looking good, boss lady.
It's a crock, but I want to put him in my pocket.
Oh, Rhonda, hi.
Have you and Neal had a chance to discuss these bonuses yet? Because I could really use the money.
What happened? I called Victor, and he's really excited about the court stenography classes.
He gave up on being a playwr? Yeah, sort of.
Okay, it's maybe possible that I told him that he's taking classes to learn how to write courtroom dramas, but I know that when he's there, he will fall in love with stenography.
As so many others have.
NEAL: Here we go, right this way.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is this? I was going to ask you why Austin is under the impression that he still works here.
Because I rehired him.
I'm the general manager of this hotel.
If I fire someone, they're fired.
Go home.
No, no, no.
I am head of human resources, so technically, I'm in charge of hiring and firing.
Austin, stay here.
I want him to go.
I want him to stay.
Do I get a vote? No! No! Let's finish this conversation in my office.
Don't get comfortable.
What are you looking at, headset? Rhonda, if I make a decision you've got to have my back.
If it's a foolish decision, I have to have their back.
You only ever have their backs.
You only ever act foolish.
Really? You're going out on a limb for Austin? The guy's only worked here for three months.
I don't care if I hired him yesterday.
You can't fire him with no good reason.
Great.
Finally, are they talking about our bonuses? NEAL (shouting): You're not listening to me! RHONDA (shouting): I've heard all I need to! Yes, and it sounds like Christmas is coming early this year.
They're fighting about him.
Heard you got canned.
I heard you're looking r a new roommate.
I heard you guys did it.
All right, you know what, I'm done here.
I can't talk to you anymore.
And that is how you break-dance.
Neal's in his office.
He's still pissed, and he's not going to talk to Rhonda.
Well, she's not going to go to him.
So, great, we're never going to get our bonuses.
All we have to do is get them to make up so they have the meeting.
Yeah, 'cause I didn't put in almost a half day's work for nothing.
I got this.
As a child of an alcoholic home, when my parents fought, I used to create a new crisis so they've have to come together to fix it.
You can't believe how many times they thought I was pregnant.
Can't we? Well, my parents used to argue all the time, too.
Like about bills and groceries and whatever.
This one time, my mom was having trouble with her 19-year-old boss and kind of stabbed him.
And my dad was like, "Caroline, not again.
" (chuckling): So, yeah.
So anyway, what I used to do to smooth things out was give one parent a gift and say it was from the other one.
Except this one time I gave my mom an letter opener, which I'll never forget, because I had to testify about it.
Uh It occurs to me that we could go another way.
Um, I was a psychology major.
Hofstra.
And we learned that the best way to confront someone is to mirror how they confront others.
So all I got to do is give Rhonda a taste of Rhonda.
Give me two minutes.
What the hell was that back there?! Excuse me? You know what I'm referring to.
"You're fired, you're hired.
I'm in charge.
No, I'm in charge.
" You are a grown-ass woman, so save the drama, go make up with Neal and get the hell on with whatever business you got! You feel me? Uh-uh, you don't get to do that.
All right, you want me and Neal to make up so you can get that bonus, but not so Victor will feel better about who he is, but so you'll feel better about who he is.
Now, you're a grown-ass woman.
So you "save the drama" and get the hell on out there with whatever business you got.
You feelme?! I do.
I do feel you, Rhonda.
She said she was gonna think about it.
Okay.
Oh, hey, Neal.
I was just making sure Austin got back to work okay.
Wow, self-righteous and smug.
I didn't realize you could do so many things at once.
I'm also chewing gum and fantasizing about punching you in the nuts.
There it is again, that undeniable chemistry.
No, that's not what this is.
She wants me so bad.
It's just like Hawkeye and Hot Lips, you know, if Hot Lips was black.
That's two.
Whoa, what a pistol.
You got to hold tight to that one.
(chuckles) So how's it going, RJ? Are you and Mindy enjoying your getaway? Oh, I sure am.
It's, it's just so nice having a couple of days just me and the missus.
You remember my girlfriend Sharon from Queens? Well, I'm gonna take her to a new club tonight, so I want you to watch Mindy, you know, keep her occupied.
Keep her busy.
You know the drill, right? re.
I'm just not so sure how comfortable I am Hey, calm down.
She's already drinking so she'll be passing out in a few hours.
Her makeup's still on.
Cussing about her father did this, her father did that.
Sounds fun.
I'm looking forward to that.
Mm.
Give me another scotch.
And just so you know, you may have Rhonda fooled, but I'm watching you.
Hey, aren't you supposed to be watching me? Mindy, you changed into a lot less.
Are you okay? You seem so tense.
Ah! Hey, Rhonda, Neal asked me to give you this blueberry muffin.
He said, "Tell her I'm sorry and I hope we can work things out.
" Nice try.
Go.
Hey! Leave the muffin.
Rhonda, I need you to come upstairs.
Something's wrong with Neal.
If I ran up the steps every time there was something wrong with Neal, I'd be as scrawny as you.
Aw, thank you.
No, but seriously, he's acting really weird.
He's freaking all over RJ's wife.
It's like he's high or something.
I find it hardto bel would get crazy with RJ's wife.
I mean, the boy is stupid, but he's not that stupid.
Hey, stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I don't know what you are on but let's try and hold it together.
Okay.
Oh, look at the floor.
What? It looks like ice Let's be a skating team.
No.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, let's not.
Let's not do that.
Let's not.
What, what were you doing back there? Having a good time.
Mindy invited me upstairs for a bubble bath.
How good does a bubble bath sound right now, especially aft all this skating? Come on! Come.
What are you doing? What are you on? Nothing, I swear.
I just had one drink.
Ask your little drug dealer friend in the bar.
He's the one who served it to me.
Austin gave you a drink? Okay, hold on.
You, Larry, take Neal downstairs and do not let him out of your sight.
Okay, 'cause I guess I was doing nothing.
I don't care what you were doing.
He got dosed.
Help him.
Darren.
Yeah? Come with me.
Are you gonna give me a bubble bath? Uh, will it be reflected in my bonus? I cannot believe you would do this to Neal and after I went to bat for you? He totally deserved it.
You don't decide who deserves what around here, I do! Now, get out and don't ever come back! You know, I could have done that for you? Oh, no, baby that is my therapy right there.
But you can help mother put her shoes on.
Where is Neal? Oh, I locked him in your office.
I needed to call Victor.
You know what? You were right.
He's never asked me to change who I am, so I need to support who he is.
So, I've rented a little theater for his new play, and I will sit there for all six hours of it with a smile on my face and my fingernails dug into your arm because you're coming with me.
Oh, no.
What room is RJ's wife in? Neal, are you? Sweet baby Jergens, you are.
(hushed): What do you think you're doing? Her.
(giggling) Are you crazy? You better get out of there before RJ comes back.
But I haven't se her boobs yet.
I don't know what you took, but I love how fast it got your clothes off.
Girl, what is wrong with you?! Him I understand-- his brain's on drugs.
You must be rolling on pure Colombian ignorant.
Please, you think I don't know where my husband is tonit? I get to have some fun, too.
RJ's got his bimbo, and I got mine.
This bimbo could lose his job over this, And despite all the evidence to the contrary, I know how much s hib means to him.
You're killing my buzz, Rhonda.
RJ: Mindy, you in there? Visiting hours are over at the hospital.
Oh, hell.
I hear water.
You're trying to surprise me.
I hope so because I am in the mood for What the hell?! Oh, my God, RJ! Will you two explain to me are doing in my wife's bathtub while I am out visiting a sick aunt in the hospital? Why do you have a stamp on your hand? New hospital procedure.
You need it for the cancer ward.
Oh, really? You need a stamp of a devil with a pitchfork? It's an evil disease, Mindy.
Neal you want to explain this? Uh, yes, RJ, I would love to explain this.
You see RJ, you were right.
Neal and I are having an affair.
What? That's right, an affair.
A sordid, dirty interracial affair.
And-and there was a little mix-up.
We booked two rooms, one for me and Neal and one for you and Mindy.
And, well, you saw how we were arguing all day, and we just wanted to make up in this bathtub 'cause we're having an affair.
Rhonda wanted to apologize to me for, for being so wrong.
Ah ah! An affair? Mm-hmm.
I knew it.
I always said you two would be a good couple, just like Ross and Rachel, you know, if Rachel was black and Ross was less Jewie.
Thank you.
Who are any of these people? Come on, Mindy.
Let's leave these lovers alone.
Unless, what, you want to watch? Wait.
Do you? No.
ow what sobers you up quick? Is a massive hit of fear and adrenaline.
I bet.
That could have been really ugly.
Yes, it could have.
Thank you, Rhonda.
Don't mention it ever to anyone.
I can close my eyes if you want to get out first.
After this day? Boy, hit them jets and pass the champagne.
Really? Okay, where's my check, and where's the line of people waiting to thank me? Thank you for what? I'm the one that got Neal and Rhonda to make up.
Uh, no, they made up 'cause Neal was dosed.
Right.
Create a crisis, bring them back together.
You're the one who did it? Yeah, that one always works with my dad.
One time I spiked his martini with nail polish remover.
A couple weeks of my mom feeding him through a straw, he dumped his secretary, moved back home.
Wait.
So Austin got fired for nothing? Oh, no.
Neal's scotches were, like, half pee.