Dog with a Blog (2012) s01e03 Episode Script

I am going to tell you a story--a dark and disturbing story.
Cue dark and disturbing music! The wheels on the bus go round and round Different kind of disturbing.
And in this story, a bad, bad thing happens.
And I'm talking butt-scooting- on-hot-asphalt bad! - I want a banana! - Uhh! - Stop that! - I want pizza! Tyler, scoot over! You're in my space! I have nowhere to go but out.
Remember to tuck and roll.
Can't we just settle down and play one of those fun car games like "Who can be quiet the longest"? I want to be quiet the longest! - Jerk! - Troglodyte! Ha! Joke's on you! I don't even know what that means! - How about "Monkey-face chimp-boy"? - Hey! I want a monkey-face chimp-boy! Can't we ever do something as a family? We're throwing trash as a family.
Stop throwing trash! Bennett, back me up here.
Bennett! The kids are throwing trash! But were they interrupting Mahler? No.
Someone else did that.
Kids, throw some trash at your father.
No, no, no, this obviously is not the bad, bad thing.
Car full of trash? That's a great thing if you're a dog! Hey, look at me! I'm a stanwich! Dog With a Blog S01E03 Dog With a Hog Okay, at some point someone is going to kill a mockingbird, right? Because this trial is really dragging on.
Don't you want to fetch or something? Hey, I can be interested in literature you know I'm not just a dumb-- - Good.
You're here.
- Lindsay, what's wrong? Avery's best friend lindsay.
Avery really didn't have to ask what's wrong-- She'll tell ya.
I have a terrible problem don't know what to do about it.
But you're a really good problem Solver so I thought I'd come to you.
So come and deal with this problem solve! Slow down.
You always do this to me.
You start talking fast and I start talking fast, and you know we feel impressionable.
- And before you know it - We both start talking fast.
And that's why we're such good friends! - I know! - I know! Okay, so what's the problem? The kid who normally wears the school mascot costume can't be here for the homecoming game.
So I told Tiff and El and Layla, you know-- From the pep squad.
That I would be the mascot because I really want them to like me.
Especially Tiff and Layla-- El can be cut with that hair of hers that crazy bling-dot-phone-- I can't wear this costume, Avery, - I just can't.
- Well, why not? Take a whiff.
Aaaah! Why would you do that? I thought we were friends! What happened in this? "B.
O.
Bob," The kid who wears it, wore it one too many times.
This smells like dirty sweat socks and arm pits.
I don't see the problem.
That's how "B.
O.
Bob" Got his name-- Before this costume, he was just "Bob"-- Happy, popular bob.
Why can't he wear it? Where is he? About six miles due east.
Visiting his grandmother.
You have to help me find someone to be the terrier mascot.
Hey, I could be the mascot.
I just don't who I'm gonna get to wear this stinky dog costume.
I don't even need the costume.
I was born to play this part! Sure it's typecasting, but I'm cool with it.
I promised the pep squad, and I really want those girls to like me.
Look, it shouldn't matter what those pep snobs think of you, Lindsay.
You're a unique individual with value that has nothing to do with their approval.
- They said you'd say something like that.
- Really? They talked about me? They know my name? Well, sort of.
They called you "Ivory.
" They almost know my name! We have to find someone to be the terrier at the homecoming.
Hello! La dog, a-woof, a-woof.
It has to be someone with real spirit and enthusiasm Someone athletic But most importantly, someone who can be believable as a dog.
Seriously? 'cause now it's just insulting.
Ellen? Ellen-- Your car is a disaster area.
Yes, I think it's time for a new one, too.
- I didn't say that.
- You implied it.
Bennett, it's worn down, Stan crashed it twice.
And every time I drive by the car wash, They pretend to be closed.
Okay, I-I can see what you're doing here.
You want me to help you clean the car.
- Just ask.
- I don't want help.
- Good, because I got this thing-- - I want a new car.
Ellen.
One I can drive without the other moms calling me "Smellen.
" That is very clever.
I mean, very hurtful.
You know how bad this car is? There's a family of possums living under the back seat.
- There are no possums back there.
- Be careful.
They're vicious.
Okay, and now my head is stuck to the ceiling.
- What is this, gum? - That's one theory.
Fine.
We'll get a new car.
Why not me? Why not a real dog instead of some stinky kid in a lame terrier costume? Stan, look, East Gllendale always pulls pranks on our mascots.
They could take you and shave you and put you on a bus to Fresno, and we'd never see you again.
Although you get in with those girls on the pep squad, and you might like Fresno.
No, it's not worth it.
I can't risk losing you.
It would be my moment to shine, Avery.
Finally, my chance to be a star like I've always wanted! I had that chance once, but it was cruelly snatched away from me.
Once this commercial airs, my little friend, You'll be famous.
You'll have fans all over the---- Who is that dog? Get this dog out of here.
Get me that dog! He's a star! Man, I wish I could do something that dogs typically don't do.
I'm sorry, Stan.
Too many things could go wrong.
Something could go wrong? Sounds like fun-- I'm in! I want to be the terrier mascot for the homecoming.
Oh, cool.
The East Glendale Razorbacks have always had a real pig.
We should have a real dog.
But I don't want him to get covered in frosting and put on a train to Bakersfield! That's right-- they do that, too.
Not anymore.
Both schools are cracking down on pranks.
Anyone who messes with the mascot gets expelled.
Too many kids getting shaved.
Although they never shaved "B.
O.
Bob.
" Would you? Come on, Avery! Tyler says it's safe! And I'm so perfect for it! I'm even one-eighth-terrier on my mother's side! Ah, there they are: the boston terriers.
Uh, ignore the cats.
It was the seventies.
Well, I mean, what kind of life do you lead if you don't take any risks? Yours.
And maybe it's time I changed that.
All right, Stan, I'll tell the pep squad they've got their terrier.
All right! And you know what? Maybe it's time that I try something that I've always wanted to do-- Juggling! What?! What?! It's always been a dream of mine, But I have been too afraid.
To heck with the risk! If fruit gets bruised, so be it.
Wow, look at that! My first risk has paid off! I'm gonna be a star! I'm not leaving anything to chance.
I'm okay! The laundry basket broke my fall! Hey, maybe I could work this old football helmet into the act.
I love my new car.
- Just smell it! - Yeah, it's got a really-- No! I mean smell it! Get your nose in there.
Yeah-- yeah.
Honey, that's real good.
It's the smell of a new start.
We can have family outings and really enjoy each other.
I enjoyed your sudden burst of crazy strength.
Chloe had so much fun at the dealership talking to the Andersons from church.
So funny they were buying the same car as us.
Right, Chloe? Chloe!!! It's really not your fault.
Mommy and daddy do this all the time.
And then I get a new doll.
I miss the old car.
It smelled like french fries and chocolate.
Honey, no snacks in the new car, okay? - But daddy - Chloe, just give me the donut hole.
- But daddy - Chloe! Come on.
Daddy.
That was my favorite dirt ball from the dog park.
- Ohh! - Not in my new car, you don't! Yeah, I thought it would be awesome to have a real dog as the mascot.
So I volunteered Stan.
You know, just doing my little bit to support the Terriers and you great gals on the pep squad, of course.
Who are you again? It's me.
Ivory.
Avery, I've got terrible news! Oh, hi, Tiff.
Hi, Layla.
Hi, El.
Avery, I've got terrible news! Lindsay, what's wrong? East Glendale kidnapped Stan! Stan's been kidnapped?! They took him through the locker room.
They left a note and everything.
What are you gonna do?! El, your hair looks fantastic, so full of moisture.
What are you doing do?!! I don't know.
This is all my fault! You seem upset.
We're gonna go.
I was so stupid to risk Stan's safety to begin with.
And now I'm gonna take any risk necessary to get him back.
Whatever rule I have to break, it doesn't matter.
Why did you stick me out of the locker room? I was working out my half time routined with the band! Check it-- Stan! I'm pretending you've been kidnapped by east glendale.
It's the perfect prank.
They're gonna get in a ton of trouble! But now I can't be a part of the pep rally.
Right! Which will make your triumphant return at the big game that much more dramatic.
Think about it: the heroic mascot, having escaped from the evil clutches of his tormentors, refuses to let the crowd down.
I love it! Hey, maybe I'll come in with a limp, right? And a far-away look.
And when people ask me what happened I'll say, "It's just too painful to talk about.
" But you can't say anything, remember? Oh, right! Right.
Then just the limp and thefaraway look.
Just a little bit more good boy Little bit little bit - Good! - Whoa! - Is that--? - Yep, the East Glendale pig.
Those guys kidnapped Stan, so I stole the pig so we can trade it to get Stan back.
That's right.
You don't mess with avery jennings.
You steal my dog, I steal your pig.
I am risking everything.
I'm going four balls! She stole the pig and went four balls! This is bad! But it's still not the bad, bad thing.
Stan?! You're okay! Thank goodness! I've been so worried about you.
What happened? It's just too painful to talk about.
Stan was never gone.
It was a prank to mess with their minds.
What was I thinking? I took this huge risk, and now I'm gonna be expelled.
I won't get into law school, and I definitely won't become the first juggling president since Buchanan.
You guys want to go for a ride in the new car? It's got a sun roof and seat heaters and cup holders, and each one of the what is a pig doing in our family room?! Hey, look at that! A pig! I love my new pig! This is not kosher.
All right, what happened? - Well, I was trying to - You guys already know all this.
You don't have to have Avery explain it all to mom and dad, right? You can juggle? I'm naming him "Big Murray.
" No, no.
You're missing the big picture.
- I could be expelled! - Me too! I just say we tell everyone Stan escaped and found his way home.
We let the pig go, and nobody will ever know avery took him.
We can't just let a pig go.
An unsupervised pig would not last two minutes in Pasadena.
I've got it.
We have to sneak him back before they know he's gone.
You can't take Big Murray! He's so much better than monkey-face chimp-boy.
Hey! We have to.
It's the right thing to do.
The right thing to do is to call the other school immediately, tell them exactly what happened, and that we have their pig.
Are you out of your mind, woman?! This is not the time to do the right thing! I have been taking risks for the last two days, And I am not getting off this train now! Okay, we're sneaking the pig back.
Am I in trouble for calling you "Woman" Instead of "Mom"? Okay, we can't just lead him down the street in broad daylight.
No.
Operation "Bring home the bacon" is gonna take some real planning.
As soon as it gets dark, we go commando.
Dad, I don't think that means what you think it means.
Boy, I hope not.
Okay, at 2100, we place the target in the car and swim to East Glendale.
Now, if I suspect a blown floater on this O.
P.
O.
, I will plant a canary trap, dry-clean it, go totally joe! I have no idea what any of that means-- which I've never said before-- But I like the fire in your eye! I am with this man.
Am I in trouble for calling you "This man"? No, no, not at all, sweetie! I'm pumped! I'm ready for action! I'm gonna need my black turtleneck, my ski mask, and my special ops utility pack.
My man purse.
Wait a minute.
You said place the pig in the car.
There's no way we're gonna fit all of us and that pig in your car.
Noooo.
No, no, no No, no, no! You said should have a family outing and really enjoy each other.
I'm enjoying you right now.
Are you enjoying me? I'm going dark.
What is that pig doing back there?! - I think she's nesting.
- My car! - My beautiful new car! - Forget the car.
Look, I'm not letting my future get derailed by swinegate.
That's right.
That's what they'll call it.
I'm sorry I snapped.
I'm tense and I've had no fresh fruit today.
What is going on back there?! It's a short ride, honey.
How much damage can he do? What on earth is he doing?! I think "He" Just had babies! Big Murray's a mommy! Tyler.
Wrap the little pigs in a blanket.
That's funny-- pigs in the blanket.
I'm so spritzed out by this mission.
I can't believe I'd miss something I've wanted to see my entire life-- a pig birth.
You can still smell it if you want.
I want to name them.
How can we tell the boys from the girls? Apparently we can't.
Unbelievable.
Pig birth all over my new car? So much for getting rid of the nickname "Smellen.
" I'll be "Smellen" forever.
"Hi, Smellen.
" "Hi, Mary.
" "Hello, Smellen.
" "Hello, Rebecca.
" - "Hello" - Hey, hey, hey, hey! You stay with me, soldier! I'm coming too.
I wan to say good-bye to Big Murray, little Phyllis, tiny Harold and Daveed.
All right, stan, you guard the car.
My presidency hangs in the balance.
It's never the crime; it's always the cover-up.
That's right, I'm guarding the car, the most important part of the mission.
Man, I'm bored.
Hey, there is a van parked out here.
I'm gonna go check out back, make sure no one's messing with the mascots.
Uh-oh.
Gotta distract him.
Yo, dude! Where ya goin'? Who said that? Is someone with this dog? Here! Under the car! I'm stuck! I mean up here.
I'm on top of the car.
O-kay.
What's goin' on here? Who's saying that? I'm behind you.
I'm over you! I'm under you.
I'm your worst nightmare.
I'm running down the street! You'll never catch me! Well, I guess we see why he's not guarding a bank.
High five! High five! Avery! Avery! Chill out.
No way.
I took a huge risk and it paid off.
I feel great! Let's steal something else and put it back.
- Move! Commence phase 3.
- What's phase 3? I eliminate all of you to cover my tracks.
Okay, maybe the website I got this from was a little hardcore.
Let's just go home.
But let's be cool.
You don't want to draw any attention to ourselves.
When am I not cool? Mission accomplished.
Fine work, everybody.
That was really cool! Which is weird, because I was with my family.
I'm just happy that the pig is back, stan is Safe, and my 2044 presidential bid is no longer in jeopardy.
Oh, and I wonder if I can juggle pins? Where did you get those? I want the 700-pound pig from Glendale to Pasadena And you want to know where I got bowling pins? I have to admit this whole operation was kind of exciting Commander.
Is this where the beautiful girl falls for the dashing, dangerous spy? Why are you wearing my turtleneck? Well, we were in a hurry and I couldn't find mine, so I just grabbed the first-- Was the mission successful or not?! Yes, you're still my dashing, handsome spy.
This is great, huh? All of us working together, pulling this off as a unit, the four of us? Aren't there five of us? Chloe! Seriously? You guys don't talk at all? Not even you, Daveed? Nothin'? Leaving Chloe in a pig pen? Still not the bad, bad thing.
Actually, it's kind of a cute thing.
Okay, gang, operation "Chloe grab" is a go! - Bennett? - Honey? Cover up.
If this goes south, that sweater's not gonna be your friend in jail.
The thing about risk, the more you put on the line, the bigger the payoff.
Avery risked a lot, and it all worked out.
She even got in with those girls on the pep squad.
And I took some risks to be mascot.
And it was awesome! It was everything I hoped it would be, my moment of glory! And that's when the bad, bad thing happened.
A skateboarding pig! No one paid attention to me after that.
But at least I'm still a star in my own family-- Most of the time.