Donny! (2015) s01e03 Episode Script

1 [upbeat music.]
[applause.]
So, Jasper, you were voted the number one - Little League player in America.
- Yeah.
He is, right? Sit up straight.
You must be proud of him, huh? Oh, yeah.
I work really hard to bring out the best in him.
Right, buddy? Okay, send Jasper out and bring the doctor in.
Let's give Jasper a hand, all right? Switch hitter.
We're gonna bring someone else into the conversation.
He's known as the world's number one child psychologist.
We're lucky to have him here today, Dr.
Lewis Lewis.
- [jazzy music.]
- [cheers and applause.]
Welcome to the show.
This is Glenn.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- Have a seat.
- Thanks.
So, uh, what's going on here? What I want to do now, we're gonna show a quick video up there, and it's I think it's gonna stimulate some good conversation.
So guys, let's put the clip up.
This guy has no idea what's about to hit him.
Come on, we practiced Jesus, what are you swinging at, Jasper? Come on, you're a switch hitter.
Hit something.
Uh, who gave you that video? Hey, why don't you shut up? Why don't you shut up and sit down? [audience gasps.]
- This is just about the kids.
- [indistinct yelling.]
[yelling.]
[disapproving.]
Dr.
Lewis, what are you seeing in that video? Well, you know, children around Jasper's age can't handle that kind of pressure.
It can actually be really harmful.
- - Well, you obviously never won anything in your whole life.
- Glenn, I-I've won a lot in my life.
- Not any Emmys.
Winning for a young person means something else.
I have a nine-year-old son myself, and I always say to him, it's not about beating the other guy at this point.
It's not about the other guy.
It's about yourself.
It's about being your best you.
What do we say on the show, guys? - BEBU.
- [chanting BEBU.]
Be your best you I still can't believe this one caught on.
It's caught on.
People know it.
I think it's great.
I think it's very empowering because sometimes parents push things on their kids because they don't feel great about themselves.
What are you talking about? - You don't even know me.
- Ask him about Daddy.
I want to ask you something about you, Glenn.
Did you play Little League yourself? Yeah.
Did your dad come to the games? - No.
- Okay, Donny, time for a little role play.
Uh, I want to try something.
I want both you guys to stand up for a second.
Glenn, please trust me 'cause we help we help people on this show.
I want you to look at the doctor here, and instead of seeing the doctor, just imagine that's your father.
Take yourself back.
Say, "Hi, Dad.
" - Hi, Dad.
- Hey, buddy.
Can I have a hug? No, just please, just do not see the doctor there.
I want you to see your dad.
- All right.
- I'm with you, buddy.
- Can I have a hug? - Of course, big guy.
Come here.
- [applause.]
- It's okay.
Okay, let it in.
Come on, all-star.
- There, little guy.
- Oh, a man hug.
This is why I do this show.
This is what we do.
- That's a tight hug.
- Glenn - That's a little tight.
- Glenn, that's okay.
- That's a little aggressive.
- Glenn, no, no no, Glenn.
Glenn, Glenn, that's not a hug.
It's getting "Springer" up in here.
- Toss to break, Donny.
- Glenn, no no.
- You gotta get off.
- all: Oh! What is it about pile-ons that men find so irresistible? We'll be right back.
[jazzy music.]
Technically, shouldn't it be pronounced "bye bye" because it's B-Y-B-Y? No, it's BEBU, and this is the kind of stuff We gotta run with this, like, Dr.
Phil, I know when he sees this it drives him crazy.
Let's do t-shirts.
Let's do the whole thing.
You are obsessed with Dr.
Phil.
No, Dr.
Phil's obsessed with me.
I don't think so.
If I was obsessed with Dr.
Phil, I would not keep him front and center here.
This little guy that he sent me a couple years ago A personal gift, my Dr.
Phil bobblehead.
I have nothing but love and respect for that man.
That reminds me.
I've been meaning to tell you something to upset you.
- What? - Um, Dr.
Phil was named New York's number one most loved talk show host.
How? The guy tapes in LA.
It doesn't make any sense.
That doesn't bother you, right? 'Cause you just want to be your best you, right? - BEBU? - It is about the BEBU.
- BEBU.
- I am Mr.
BEBU, and I love that man.
I'm gonna congratulate him right now.
[beep.]
Hey, Violet? - Hi! - My good friend, Dr.
Phil just got a nice award.
Send him a Is it weird that I find him super sexy? Yes.
Let's send him a, uh A nice a beautiful gift with a personal note - Okay.
- From me congratulating him.
I am on it.
Why are there no Donny bobbleheads? Mmm, 'cause no one wants them? [jazzy music.]
Just around the corner Something's waiting for me I can't put my finger Zoe, do we ever work? Usually, no, but I'm on door duty.
Your ex is upstairs.
- Piper? - Uh-huh.
- What is she doing here? - Mm-mm.
I want to sign Jagger up for a Tap Competition.
Tap-Off New York.
- Where is this coming from? - I saw your show today.
You actually saw my show.
I did.
You are coddling Jagger.
That's why he's having such a hard time fitting in.
Jagger is like the happiest little boy I know.
- I let him do his thing.
- He is happy, but your whole "winning doesn't matter" thing? That's a loser mentality, and I don't want that for him.
- He's not you.
- He's got his whole life to win, to get fired, to lose.
Let him just enjoy life.
He's nine, and middle school applications are around the corner, and we need all the extracurriculars we can get.
- This is a big deal.
- Okay.
Let's do this, all right? He can enter it, but it's not gonna be about winning.
It's gonna be an exhibition.
Watch him meet some more kids, have some fun.
I don't want him going into it, and getting his heart broken if he loses.
Oh, this is about the Little League thing.
This is about you losing that Little League trophy, weeping in front of everybody.
That's what it is.
Okay, I didn't weep.
It's not about that.
Let's just say, "Go have fun.
It's not about first place, second place.
" - Can we just agree on that? - Sure.
Whatever you want, BEBU boy.
"Whatever you want," I like that.
You do have the best set of BEBU's ever.
- And you'll never see these again.
- You love telling me that, - don't you? - I do.
Come on, let's go tell the Jaggster.
[swing music.]
[tap dancing.]
[clapping.]
That's really great, babe.
- My boy, how good are you? - That was fantastic.
Do you know what I think would be so fun? - We - What we think would be so fun? Should enter a tap competition Tap-Off New York.
[gasps.]
- Okay.
- But it's not really a competition.
It's like an exhibition where you and other kids get up And you you're not competing against each other.
- You're just - They are.
- Well, no.
- It's called a tap competition.
- I'm in.
- We are gonna get you a coach.
- Yes.
- This is gonna be fantastic.
- He doesn't need a coach.
- He does.
It's not about the winning.
We've talked All the kids have coaches.
How do you know all the kids have coaches? In a competition, every kid is gonna have - a tap coach.
- It's not a competition.
- I like Mom's idea.
- Yes We are gonna get you a professional coach.
[jazz music.]
[tap dancing.]
Whoa.
Hello.
[laughs softly.]
Wow, you're obviously Coach Gordon.
What's happening? I'm Donny.
Absolutely, nice to meet you.
- Good to see you, man.
- Wow.
God, what a dump you got here.
- Oh, it's nice, it's nice.
- No, it's great.
You in the entertainment industry? Uh, yeah, yeah.
I have a talk show, "Donny, exclamation point.
" Is that like a "Ellen" or a "Jerry Springer," kind of Not like that, more like a Dr.
Phil.
- [tapping up stairs.]
- God, I love Dr.
Phil.
Well, I hear a little little tap.
- There's the man, Jaggster.
- All right.
- This is Jagger.
- This is Coach Gordon.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What do you say we just jump right in? You show me your favorite moves, okay? And a five, six, seven, eight.
Good, right? Wow.
And that's it.
You gotta have a strong finish.
Okay, but listen, unless this is the Sochi Games, you don't want to be "Russian," all right? I don't want it to be about "You gotta do this, you gotta do this.
" I just want this to be fun - and light, you know, just - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Like, just have fun.
- The great thing about Tap-Off New York, is that it's a great smaller competition to get them lubed up and ready to take on the big ones.
- Right? - Yes.
Okay, no lubing.
Can we just call this thing an exhibition? You're the youngest exhibitionist I know then.
- Yeah? - He's kidding.
Here's the whole thing about this, our competition is just with ourselves.
It's about being your best you.
- What do we say buddy, BEBU.
- Yup.
Listen, it's all about having fun, but I feel like for our first couple sessions, we could just have a little privacy? - Oh, absolutely.
- Sometimes I feel like parents - do the hovercraft.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I'm outta here outta here.
Just about a half hour, right? Half hour, an hour.
- Yeah, you pay for an hour.
- [tapping.]
I got it, I got it, I got it.
- All right.
- All right, guys, have fun.
All right, BEBU.
Who knew? Um, all right, so let's warm up your calves.
Jagger, I'm down here if you need me, buddy.
Yeah, all right.
Knock yourself out.
Right leg.
And one and two and three and four and five and six and seven and eight.
Oh, I see you over there.
I spy with my little eye.
I-I just heard something.
I'll see you later.
Your dad's like a prairie dog.
All right, so dreams were built on sweat and suffering.
Let's start dreaming.
And one and two and three and four and five and six and seven and eight.
How'd it go with Coach Gordon? Great.
He's the real deal, Dad.
All right, all right.
Dad, uh, don't you think that a coach might go against your whole BEBU thing? No, not at all.
It's still him being his best him.
He's got, like, - a BEBU ambassador now.
- You're such a hypocrite.
- I am not a hypocrite.
- Why don't you just admit - you want him to win? - Hey, buddy, come on over here.
I got a good story for you.
Okay? Just a short one.
This is like the birth of BEBU.
Okay, when I was a kid, I played Little League, played second base, you know, I've told you all those stories.
I was really good.
So they had this thing called a Herbie Sears award, which went to the best Little Leaguer in the district.
I wanted it to bad I could taste it, and they announce Perry my best buddy.
- I start to cry.
- You cried? Tears coming down my face, and everybody saw me.
And for the next four months, I'm thinking about that Herbie Sears award.
I'm looking at at my shelf in my bedroom, how it would look there.
Why is it not there? And I felt like a loser.
And then one morning I woke up, and boom light bulb.
I said, "You know what? You can't make life about a trophy, what somebody else decides whether you're a winner or looser.
" I am a winner even when I lose.
So the moral of the story is, even if you lose, pretend that you won.
- No, not at all.
- So, who was Herbie Sears? First of all, don't listen to anything your sister says, and it doesn't matter who Herbie Sears is.
What matters is you never worry about the other guy.
You make it you versus you.
You'll always be a winner.
All right? BEBU! I love you guys.
Great talk, Dad.
Thanks.
I get paid big money for those talks, you know.
[jazzy music.]
All right, so we're gonna start right, okay? Keep your focus up.
Yan hoochie-coo You could booga-loo Focus up.
The audience is out there, okay? Anything, anything would do Try the splits.
Faster and faster.
Atta boy.
Don't drag.
- You can dance - You got it, man, you got it.
Said let me show you how Amazing, man.
- Let me show you how - Whoa.
Who bought you that? Turn, one, two Shred it like you own it.
I think we're ready, kid.
[tap dancing.]
That's incredible, man.
Keep going.
Violet said to give you this.
The return address is Dr.
Phil's studio so I'm thinking maybe it's a thank you gift for your congratulations gift.
Oh, that's sweet.
You know what? He's a gentleman, and, you know, we have this kind of I think there's a real mutual respect there.
That's really sweet.
He didn't have to do that, but that's a That's very sw - He sent me a bobblehead.
- How very thoughtful.
- It's the same bobblehead.
- Yeah.
Look at this.
It's the same one.
I sent him, like a really, really personal - like, meaningful gift.
- You sure? And he yes.
- Hey, Violet? - Hi! - What did we send Dr.
Phil? - Some Zen stuff.
Yeah.
See, I sent him a nice gift.
That's a nice gift.
I mean, he probably just has an assistant who sends these out to his fans, you know? - Like autographed pictures.
- I'm not a fan.
Let me tell you what this is.
- He's taunting me.
- Okay.
- He's threatened.
- Yeah.
Nothing says threatened like bobbleheads.
We did that big number on the sex show, and this is his way of saying, "It's on.
" He's trying to get in my head.
And let me tell you how he's not in my head, okay? Both of these gentlemen are going on my shelf, all right? Let him do his thing.
Let him do his thing twice.
- I'm not focused on him.
- Yeah, you seem - really not focused on him.
- I'm not focused on him.
- Just be my best me.
- BEBU.
I don't worry about the other guy.
- I just beat myself.
- You beat yourself.
- You know what I mean.
- Yeah.
[light music.]
Magic in the moonlight Telling us it's time we fall [tap-dancing.]
Under a wonderful spell Hey, buddy.
Hey, don't I know you from somewhere? Aren't you the guy with the TV show? Yeah, I'm Donny.
How you doing, buddy? Nice to meet you.
Do you have a grandson here? Um, I have a son here.
Um, he's right over there.
- What's up, buddy? - Hi, Dad.
Are you sure he's old enough? - He's, like, really small.
- Uh, he's old enough, right? He's small for his age, but don't worry about him.
You just be your best you, pal, all right? Whatever.
BEBU.
What's up buddy? - Where is he? - I don't know, but he's freaking me out.
- Excuse me.
- There you are.
- Lookin' good, Pipe.
- Hi, Donny.
- You look gorgeous.
- Oh.
Hi, cutie.
I assume that's Mom's newest, uh, boy toy? One of them.
[upbeat music.]
- Welcome, everyone, to Tap-Off New York Junior Division.
Our first competitor, Sammy Shoals, ten, from Mahwah, New Jersey.
[applause.]
[upbeat music.]
And next, the unique stylings of Peter Bergstein.
And here's Dashell Waller.
And next, Jagger Deutsch.
[cheers and applause.]
Whoo! And last year's champion, Ronny "Rat-A-Tat" Templeton.
Oh, look at that, reigning champion.
Woohoo! Come on, Ronny.
Show 'em what you got.
Come on, oh try to top that, huh? - Shh, hey, just relax.
- Mind your own business.
This contest is yours! - Dude, chill.
- What? Just chill.
Everybody loves their kid.
- Donny.
- [deep exhale.]
I obviously I'm gonna kill this guy.
I'm gonna rip his eyes out.
Donny, let it go.
And now, the three top tappers will tap off in a final round we call, "Can you tap this?" [cheers and applause.]
One taps, and then each dancer has 30 seconds to respond.
Ronny, begin the tap-off.
[applause.]
Come on, Ronny! He's the best.
This kid is suspiciously large.
[drum roll.]
Come on, Ronny.
Tap those feet off.
Perfection.
Absolute perfection.
[swing music.]
Ronny's got this.
Bye-bye.
- Go, Jaggster! - Whoo! How old is he? You the man! Two time champion! Ronny did that step last year.
That's somebody's kid.
That doesn't make him talented.
- It's somebody else's kid.
- Okay, okay.
- Okay, Dad, just - Hey, take a Xanax.
Hoohoo! - That's the one.
- Dude, sit down.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Nobody's standing here.
- Don't touch me.
- I'll touch you.
- I will touch you.
- Dad, sit on your hands.
I will touch you if I want to touch you.
- Jagger! Jagger! Jagger! - Dad.
- Go, Jaggster! - Whoo! Look at him.
He's cute, but he's a little runt.
Did you just call my kid a runt? Hey, get your hand off of me, man.
- Dad, Dad - This is just about the kids! [indistinct chatter.]
It's about the kids! And today on "Access Hollywood," we've got the tape of "The Tap Heard Round the World.
" Just yesterday, the kind of BEBU himself - The king.
- Donny Deutsch was clearly not being his best him at his son's Tap Competition.
Who does this? Who attacks another dad? He puts him in like a headlock.
What is that, a nookie move? After participating in the critique of another dad - who was doing that, right? - Yeah.
And by the way, this medium shirt, did you see what he was wearing? - So tight, Donny.
- It's like he came in - for a fight.
- Stupid.
- Check this out, doesn't fit.
- What a mess.
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Well, despite his dad's poor sportsmanship, Donny's son Jagger took home the big prize.
He's such a cute little guy.
Coming up, we have Dr.
Phil.
He's gonna tell us what he sees when he watches that tap-brawl tape, and it's not good.
- It's not good at all.
- Freaking Dr.
Phil.
[playful music.]
Dr.
Phil got nominated for another Emmy.
That's, uh, every year since 2004.
They're like daytime Emmys.
Don't pretend like you don't want an Emmy.
Look, we're never gonna win one.
We're never gonna get nominated.
I've accepted it, so How are you so sure we're never gonna win an Emmy? It has a lot to do with you, I don't know, getting in violent, physical fights - with other people's fathers.
- He started it.
Okay.
This is what you're gonna do.
You're gonna go on your show, and you're gonna apologize to your fans and to your audience.
Why do I have to apologize? I really feel like you were not being your best you.
- BEBU.
- BEBU.
Okay, I got it.
You and you, - you're both going down.
- Just say you're sorry.
BEBU.
Five, four [cheers and applause.]
Once in a lifetime event, everybody, hearing an apology from Donny Deutsch.
That's it for today's show, but before we go, I want to do something that, um, I can't remember ever doing on the show.
And I-I want to apologize.
I feel like I've let - my audience down.
- [general disagreements.]
I don't know if any of you have seen a tape that's been going around the last few days.
I was at my son's Tap Competition, and things got a little heated between me and another dad.
And we got into a kerfuffle.
Don't ever use that word again.
And you know, this show is about being your best you.
- I-I preach BEBU all the time - [audience chanting BEBU.]
You know Yes, BEBU.
Um, and I didn't do it.
I lost sight of my principles, and I'm sorry if I let - anybody down out there.
- Wow, you actually seem sorry.
As a gesture, we are gonna no longer enter the Emmys.
We are not going to accept - any nominations - So generous of you, giving up those future imaginary Emmys.
We're just gonna be about putting on the best show for you.
So, uh, go hug your kid today, and tomorrow we've got a very important show a controversial new book by a doctor who says too many orgasms for a woman can maybe cause cancer.
We'll see you tomorrow.
[cheers and applause.]
Oh, so humble.
[jazzy music.]
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
- Okay, are you ready? - I'm ready.
I am, like, so ready.
Come on, come on, come on.
It it looks like like a older Fonzie.
- Who? - Fonzie.
Let me see.
Look at it.
Look how ripped I look.
Am I this big? - Are my arms this big? - Yes.
Yeah, I think so.
I look tough.
- I wouldn't mess with me.
- Your guns are on point.
- Yeah.
- The bracelets - I look jacked.
- are super manly.
I mean, if this thing could snap, you'd be in "West Side Story" in a heartbeat.
I'm, like, actually a little emotional.
- It's a very big day, Donny.
- It is a big thing.
Not everybody has bobbleheads.
And not everybody has 10,000 of them.
- You think that's enough? - I could double the order.
Let's start with ten.
Here's what I want you to do.
- Okay.
- I want you to send three to Dr.
Phil with a note that says, "Hey, buddy, just thinking of you, Donny.
" - I love it.
- You did good.
- Okay.
- You did good.
- Come with me, little guys.
- Yeah, be careful.
- Okay, I'm super careful.
- Just shut the door, okay? - Okay.
- [as Dr.
Phil.]
: Hey, Donny, how you doing? [as Donny.]
: Hey, Dr.
Phil, what's going on? [as Dr.
Phil.]
: Donny, I'm the superior one.
I have the big ratings, and the Emmy nominations.
[as Donny.]
: Yeah, you want some of me? [as Dr.
Phil.]
: Uh, Donny, you might have some issues.
[as Donny.]
: I don't have issues.
I know who I am.
Bobblehead-butt.
How you like me now, huh? Pow.
- Take 21.
- And the line I'm coming off of is Dyson cordless vacuum cleaner Dyson cordless vacuum cl Dyson cordless vacuum cl Dyson cordless vacuum a five pound cord