Double Parked (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

1
That's what it is.
No, it doesn't It doesn't say
that. It's like, there's two babies,
- but they're not twins.
- Stop, just for one minute. Let's just- Can somebody confirm
to me, right now, please
So Nat is now
- pregnant? - Yes, Dad.
- Yes, that- that is
That is precisely
what the cake is saying.
- No, no, no.
- The cake is implying twins.
No, it's Oh!
- I get no compliments, no thanks.
- I shouldn't have even bothered.
- Nah, it's not the cake.
- The cake is great.
Yeah, but no one's
even tried it yet.
- It's not implying twins.
- It's implying there are two babies.
- Mum, why are you crying?
- I just got a fright, that's all.
- This is a nice thing.
- It's OK. - I really had to
All I'm trying to say is
if you had two cakes,
and they both said 'I'm pregnant', and you both
held one, everyone would have been less confused.
Or no cake at all!
That's quite a bit
of work to do two cakes.
One of you guys should make the
cake, then, cos clearly, I've wrecked this.
- Sorry. It's my fault.
- No, hey, Lily. Listen
- No, no
- Oh, guys, come on. Maybe just cut into the cake, yeah?
- Lily!
- Lily.
- No, no! OK, fine. That's it.
- No one's having any cake. That's it.
You ruined it. We were just
trying to have a nice moment
where we shared this beautiful
announcement with you all,
but you've robbed us of that,
so cong-a-rats, guys.
Natalie, pull your head in.
She was like this the last time, when
she came out with her rainbow cake.
- Abs- You're right.
- And we got no fucking cake! - Exactly.
- Yeah, because you cry, and you ask too many questions!
- We just want some cake.
Honestly,
- that went better than I thought it would.
- Yeah.
Dad was surprisingly calm.
Yikes.
Oh shit.
- Was that really loud?
- What? The- The
- I didn't hear anything.
- Oh my God. I feel so sorry for Lily and Johnny.
- Baby
- I don't understand why I'm still feeling like this.
Like, past 14 weeks,
it should be over.
It's crazy. It's like every woman's
experience is different or something,
- and, like, nothing you've read is, like
- Nat. Nat, I cannot
I cannot hear this from you. Like,
your only symptoms are bigger boobs
and better skin, so can you
just, like, not comment?
Did you brush your teeth?
Yeah. Why?
Oh.
- What's What's that for?
- Happy anniversary.
- It's not our anniversary.
- Yeah, it is.
- No, it's not. Yes.
- It's not.
It is. Oh God.
It is. Oh, it is!
This sucks.
Oh, OK. A simple
'happy anniversary' back
- would be kinda nice, you know?
- Happy anniversary.
I take it that, uh, our usual
anniversary morning sex is
off the off the cards today.
Like a happy anniversary
high five?
- High five.
- Oh wow. That's
That's the good stuff. Yeah.
- Ooh! Oh shit. Hey.
- Whoa, bro, you gotta lock the door if you're playing with your
- Fine. It's fine. Come in.
- You're doing baby stuff? - Uh
What? No, no. Oh, no,
I save the, uh
the 'perennial' massage
for the bedroom.
Bloody hell, Nat.
- Actually, what are you doing on Thursday?
- I could do with a little helping hand.
- Did Steph wake you up?
- Yeah. It's all good, though. Kinda looking forward to it now
Like a horrible little alarm
every morning, you know?
- How you both feeling?
- Um
Well, we both forgot our anniversary this morning,
so more insecure than nauseous, to be honest.
- What anniversary is it?
- Seven, I think. Seven years.
Although the first year, she did
kinda keep me a dirty little secret, so
- Ooh, seven-year itch.
- What, you think we're gonna break up?
Nah. Nah, I'd actually put good money
on you and Steph going the distance.
- Oh, you would?
- Yeah. - How much?
- Oh, cheeky hundy.
- Hun- Just- A hundy?
Oh, that's a bit cheap. I'll let you
know if we're on the rocks.
Laters!
Jesus. That's a bit bleak.
- Ms King?
- We're fine. What? Hey?
- Who's fine?
- Don't worry about it. Uh, what are you doing, Charlie?
You're supposed to be at your table writing a
lovely story about your family's happiest memory.
I just wanted to know
how you spell 'holiday'.
You got a spellcheck on your phone,
mate. You don't need me. Run along.
I'm actually starting to feel a bit
worried that people might think I'm dying.
Like, it's a lot of sick leave
to be taking all of a sudden.
Well, your boss knows, so
what else is there to worry about?
Yeah, that is true. Nepotism gets a
bad rap, but there are a lot of benefits.
Now, Shelly and I thought
you should look over something.
- You're serving me?
- Yeah.
I'm suing you for
damages to our marriage.
Your failed marriage
has nothing to do with me.
Shared parenting agreement.
This looks fun.
Changed the heading font to Futura
just to jazz it up.
Look, I have been thinking
about something similar,
but it's just not really
the way Nat does things.
Your mother made a point. You need to
formalise Johnny's involvement in your family.
I know, but he's like
a brother to Nat.
Yeah, well, he did sign something when he
donated sperm for IVF. It's a similar idea here.
Nothing major -
Just protecting what you love.
Yeah.
- What is it? What is- What is that?
- What does all that knocking do?
I'm just trying to find out if there's
important bracing that runs through here.
- Oh. It's actually kinda hot.
- You know it's super inappropriate
to sexually harass a contractor while
they're working in your home, eh?
Yeah, well, I'm not paying you for this,
so please get back to work, you hot bitch.
OK, en suite is possible, but it is gonna be super
expensive, so I don't reckon it's worth the trouble.
Yeah, well,
you say that now, but
- No. Actually, no, I'm not gonna say it.
- Here we go. Say it.
Johnny, you're supposed to be
encouraging me to take the moral high road.
- Yeah, fair call.
- But look, what I will say is this, OK? What I will say
What I will say
OK. So, even though I am
really pleased for Nat and Steph,
don't you just feel like
every conversation is always about
the babies and how sick Steph is
and how hard it's gonna be?
And I feel like neither of them have actually
thought about how this is gonna affect
- You.
- Us. No, all of us.
I think it's pretty good of me that I haven't even
complained yet. I haven't said anything, right?
But essentially, those two have brought in two
new flatmates who didn't even get a pre-interview.
You know?
- It's not like they're gonna be partying all night.
- Yes, they will! They'll be crying.
They'll be leaving their stuff
everywhere, hogging the bathroom.
Babies have baths every day. Every day, man.
I have a bath, like, once a month - if I'm lucky.
All I'm saying is that somebody
around here needs to make sure
that there are some
baby-free spaces around here.
- It's gonna be, like, 15K.
- 15K?!
15?!
- Sorry.
- Man!
All right. Yeah.
Girl can dream, eh. God.
You're a rip-off!
'When Mrs Little's
second son arrived,
'everybody noticed that he was
not much bigger than a mouse.
'The truth of the matter was the baby
looked very much like a mouse in every way.'
- Yes, Mia?
- So Stuart was born as a mouse from his human mum?
Yeah. Yeah.
And that's a beautiful thing, right? Because
Because they love him no matter what
No matter if he's, like, a mouse
or a- or a mouse boy or
- Yes, Theo?
- Wouldn't you be freaked out if there was a mouse growing inside you?
- Yeah. What's wrong with her body?
- How did she grow a mouse inside of her?
It's so weird.
- Hey, hey. Hey.
- Justice!
There's so much more better
stories. This one just sucks.
- All right, all right, all right!
- Listen up, 5NK, all right?
This is a beautiful story, OK, about- about how
families come in all different shapes and sizes.
And actually, I don't think
it's very nice that you lot are
are making fun of Stuart Little's family
because it's different to yours, all right?
You can have one dad. You can have two
mums. You can have, like, four mums and a dad.
You could be in a commune.
You could be in a flat
The point is, all that matters is
a family loves each other.
Yes, Mia?
- Are you crying?
- I'm fine.
- Fine. It's just really-
- Should I get someone?
- Moved, OK?
- I'm just a little bit moved.
By the words.
- She's lost her shit.
- I'm gonna go back.
'When Mrs Little's
second son arrived,
'everybody noticed that he was
not much bigger than a mouse.'
I still think babies
in the laundry, which we convert,
and then we put the laundry
in the garage.
Well, what if we convert Lily's room into the
babies' room and then put Lily in the garage?
I don't know. I- I'm- This
I don't have the brainpower
for this conversation right now.
Why don't we just put the babies up in
the roof where we keep the Christmas tree?
- Hey.
- Lily, that's not funny.
It makes me feel uncomfortable that
you'd joke about our unborn children like that.
- Take it back.
- Oh great So even jokes are bad now. What's next? Fun?
Hey, are you guys finished
in the kitchen?
- Yeah. - Yes, we are. Sorry.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
I suppose we should probably think
about giving the babies their own
little pantry space, shouldn't we,
to keep their baby food sachets.
Well, you won't have to do that for a
bit, cos we're gonna be their pantries.
You guys reckon I could
express milk if I tried?
You know what? I think I have read something
about induced lactation. It's like a hormonal thing.
Oh. OK, well, then keep your babies
away from me. I don't wanna sync up.
Do you think they'll
look the same?
I guess they'll both kinda
look like me, won't they?
Kind of funny, eh? I always thought Steph
and Johnny's baby would be the hot one,
but now I'm starting to think
it could be Nat and Johnny's baby.
Hey, um, I've been meaning to, like, bring
this up for a little bit, cos I feel like we need to
stop with the whole, like,
'Nat's baby, Steph's baby' thing,
because, you know, like, we're
one family. They're our babies.
Yeah, well, then we need different
names, cos it's just confusing otherwise.
Like what? B1, B2?
No, I feel like
that's ranking them.
What about Mary-Kate and Ashley?
No, I don't think it can be gendered,
because then if they're boys, I'll feel disappointed.
- What about Jekyll and Hyde?
- No, absolutely not!
Why do you keep saying no
to all my ideas?
- Oh, I'm sorry It's just that they're all terrible.
- Yeah, they really are.
- Salt and pepper-
- Nah, not salt and pepper.
Peanut Ooh, yeah.
What about Peanut and Pistachio?
- Oh my God.
- That
is actually really cute.
But also in a way that
we could never tell anybody.
Yeah, it's, like, really
embarrassing, but weirdly, you know,
it's, like, non-gender specific.
The only people that could
possibly be offended
are people with nut allergies.
- Well, how do we know which is which?
- Oh, easy.
Nat is Peanut, and Steph would be
Pistachio, cos it costs more.
- Yeah, that's so good.
- God, that's so clever.
- That's really good.
- Did that just come off your dome?
OK, but- - And we absolutely cannot
tell anyone about these names, OK?
It just stays within the flat group.
Pinkie- Pinkie promise.
Four-way pinkie promise.
- Cone of silence.
- God, it's really hard to do a four-way pinkie promise, isn't it?
Di is very thrilled
to be your midwife.
- In fact, she was very emotional about it.
- Well, I hope not too emotional.
I need her to keep her shit together
to, you know, do her job and that.
It's a big deal, Nat,
having the same midwife
who delivered you out of my body to be then delivering
your baby out of your body, and your partner's.
- Gross, when I think about it.
- It's just a very full-circle, beautiful moment.
Um, Steph's got her own OB,
by the way.
- Oh. Right.
- What?
No, nothing. I just thought you
might want to go through it all together.
Oh! Oh my God.
My foot spa. Now, that annoys me.
Your father just threw it in the garage.
I spent good Flybuy points on that.
Here we are. What do you want
with the ring, anyway?
- You're not gonna sell it, are you? It's been in the family for ages.
- No, I'm not gonna sell it.
I wanna use it.
What for?
To propose to my girlfriend
with, maybe.
Haven't you changed your tune?
- You told me it was an outdated institution.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, that was before I got old and
decided it was easier to just conform.
Natalie, this is major.
- A wedding.
- Oh, I'm thrilled for you both!
Well, I might not use it,
so don't get your hopes up.
Well, I won't buy my
'mother of the bride' hat yet.
Although, how does that work,
with two brides?
God, that is beautiful.
Your grandmother would be so
thrilled it's having another life.
Mind you, her stance on the gays
was slightly
- of its time.
- Homophobic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I'll just choose to
ignore that.
That's the spirit. Block it out!
Keep the memories fun!
- Hi, baby. - Hey.
- How are you?
Look at me. I am sitting
upright on the couch.
I am eating a cheese sandwich
and keeping it down. Today
- is an extremely good day.
- The kids home?
No.
Do I spy a little
- afternoon delight on the horizon?
- Hmm. Well - Eh?
Unless this weather changes,
you might be right.
But- But
I actually do have to talk to you
about something first.
Oh K.
- Boner killer.
- Just hold on to it. It'll be quick, I promise.
- It's just- I was chatting with Dad
- Mm.
And he was saying that
it's probably a good idea
if we clear things up for Johnny in terms
of his, like, involvement moving forward.
- This has Shelly written all over it.
- Well, yeah, Shelly's across it,
- but I actually also think it's a really good idea.
- Why?
What, she- Is Shelly worried that I'm gonna, like,
lose my mind and run off with Johnny or something?
- No, it's not that at all.
- Oh, come on.
- She didn't want him to be the donor. She's never really trusted him.
- It's just about making things
really clear and transparent
for the sake of our children.
Oh wow.
They really are worried.
Well, it's- it's a contract, babe,
so it is a good thing, I think.
And, you know, legal frameworks
are my love language.
She doesn't trust me.
She doesn't trust anybody. But this
is about protecting us and our children.
From Johnny?
Well, anything could
happen, babe. Like
- I could get addicted to meth.
- What?!
Yeah. And Johnny
could get a brain tumour.
- Johnny's brain is fine.
- Well, yeah. - He's a Sudoku king.
Yeah, it's fine for now, but you never
know, and you have to think about this stuff.
- It's important to think about it.
- Baby
We have made Johnny
- jizz into so many receptacles, OK?
- I know.
And now
we're gonna ask him to sign a contract
because your mum is worried? He
- He's like my brother, you know?
- Yeah, I know.
And, look, I am not worried that
you guys are gonna run off together.
Cool.
So
Nothin' but net.
Then we can just go back to
- what we were doing before, which was
- Yeah.
I believe we were in the, sort of, throes
of passion on the couch, weren't we?
- Yeah, I think there was a bit of
- Passion being thrown?
A bit of passion
being thrown around, so
- Oh, Johnny
- Oh!
I mean Steph! Oh my God!
Like, I'm just getting
so confused. Where's the contract?
- I should sign it.
- Shut up. Shut up. Come here.
- Put it in me, Johnny.
- That's actually gross!
- That lipstick looks really nice.
- Oh.
I knew you would say something.
I knew it.
- No, babe, it suits you.
- I said it looks nice.
This is why I don't wear lipstick,
because people, you know,
- mention it, and then I get all self-conscious, and
- Nat, you look great.
Ooh. Sorry.
Are you all right? I feel like you're about to
get down on one knee and propose or something.
Why? Is that
something you'd be into, or
No. Most definitely not.
But not even a little bit?
No. God, no.
I actually think the only reason people ever do
say yes when they're proposed to in restaurants
is cos they know if they play along,
they might get a free dessert.
What, do you think
people get engaged
- because they want free creme brulee?
- Yeah, creme brulee and attention.
You know, they're the kinds of people who
didn't get cast in their high school musical,
and so now they wanna have
their day in the sun, get dressed up
and take photos in
a beautiful field of wheat.
- Wow. But the vows and the-
- You know, the speeches and
you know, watching family members
cry for the first time - it's nice.
It just hardly ever works out. So then
you've set yourself up for failure, publicly,
for absolutely no reason, and then you
find yourself squabbling over steak knives.
I've just seen it happen
so many times.
- How are we going for drinks?
- Oh, fine, thank you.
I will just stick with
sparkling water. Thank you.
I'll have a prosecco.
- Will you?
- Yeah. Yeah, I can have one. Yeah, I'll have a prosecco.
- I'll get those for you now.
- Thank you.
I'll just sip it.
Hello. Uh,
I don't think I ordered a stripper.
Nah, actually, I got a referral
for a potential en suite.
- Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Um, sure. Yeah. Come in.
- Yeah. This your place?
- Yeah, yeah. Have a look. - OK. Cool. Yeah.
Bit young to be owning
a place like this one, eh?
Yeah, well, you know, what can I
say, sir? I've sold a lot of, um
- drugs.
- Oh, yeah?
You know, I think my friend
actually came through the other day,
and he might have, uh, quoted you something
really crazy for the en suite. Is that right?
- Yeah. Yeah, that guy. Yeah.
- He was really rude to me too.
- Oh.
- Mm. Yeah.
I'll tell you what.
I'll do it for free.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
- Johnny, are you serious?
- Yeah. I figure we have to look out for each other.
- Yes! Oh, yeah! Thanks!
- Considering we're the
- irresponsible, childless adults of the house.
- Yeah, exactly.
It is gonna take ages, though, cos
I can only do it on the weekends.
- That's all right.
- OK.
Who cares? And, you know,
I can help you build.
- OK. Yeah, maybe.
- What are you gonna do with that?
- Dunno. Cut a wall down, or
- OK.
Well, um, we'll put some plans
together, and then you can cut away.
OK.
Eee!
- Oh!
- Is someone in there?
- Sorry. - Shit, is someone in there?
- Sorry. Shit. Um Sorry.
- Sorry.
- Sorry! I wasn't sure if someone was in there. I'm busting.
- Oh. No, yeah.
- Ooh, you dropped this.
- Oh, thank you. All yours.
- Thanks, doll.
Wait. Was that an engagement ring?
Uh yeah.
Oh my God. I got goosebumps.
Wait, did someone just propose
to you, or are you proposing?
Um
I- I was gonna propose, actually.
Cool.
Yeah, to my- my girlfriend.
- Oh my God.
- To your girlfriend?
That's so beautiful.
God, I'm welling up.
I love looking at videos of lesbian weddings
online, cos you can see two dress options.
- Sorry, I've had a few.
- Yeah. That's OK.
Yeah, I'm just, uh I'm just
trying to work out if it's a
stupid idea or not.
But love is stupid.
I mean yeah.
- Yeah, I guess.
- Like, every choice we make in love is stupid.
It's cos you have to lead with
your heart and not your head.
- Yeah, I guess.
- Mm.
She's- I dunno. She's not really
into these sorts of things, so
- Yeah, I don't know if she'll go for it.
- Yeah, but do you love her?
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Does she love you?
- Yes.
- How can you be sure?
- Um, well, she tells me all the time
- Mm.
And she wants to
start a family with me.
And
- This- This probably sounds stupid.
- No.
But she does this thing where even if
she only has, like, a small amount of dinner,
she lets me try some, which
just always
makes me happy.
Then she'll be stupid enough
to say yes.
Thank you.
- Hey, what were the bathrooms like?
- Do they have hand cream as well as soap?
What's going on?
- Oh my God.
- Stephanie
- Oh my God. What are you doing?
- Margaret Anne Douglas
- What are you doing, babe?
- Will you do me the honour of a lifetime
Oh shit.
Sharing
a creme brulee?
Oh my God.
Get up.
- I'm not gonna get up until you say yes.
- Yes.
Oh my God! Babe! Aah!
- No. No. This is mine.
- Babe! No, no.
I want that. I want that.
Get away from it. Get away from it.
Get away from my turf.
Yum.