Eastbound & Down s01e03 Episode Script

Holy shit! That was incredible.
You want a sip? No.
I can't drink spirits if I'm gonna be driving, Kenny.
Oh, fuck.
I'm so drunk I feel retarded.
I fucking do.
I know I shouldn't use that word, but that's how I feel right now, man.
You're so fucking badass, Kenny.
Man, you're so fucking-- You say, "You fucking mess with me, I throw a brick in your face!" Smashing a brick through a dude's window is nothing compared to the things I've done.
And I've killed people.
You know what I wish? I wish I could just hang around you all the time and just, like, do whatever you do and just, like, learn from you and aid you.
-Aid me? -Yeah, you know, like-- Like a good friend that will be there for you always.
-Like an assistant? -Yeah-- No-- Yeah, or like-- Like a-- Like a best friend.
Fuck, dude, an assistant.
I mean, dude, that could be just the fucking key.
I'm trying to get back into the big leagues.
That's a huge task.
I could use somebody like you.
Just do all my bullshit.
My fucking running around.
Then I can just have time just to focus up on the day-to-day.
Motherfucker! That's Clegg in my fucking truck! Hold on to your dick! Hey.
You still with us, buddy? What--? What happened? You were driving and you smashed into this boat because you were drunk.
No-- What--? You were driving.
You were driving.
I was in the passenger seat.
-I'm lucky to be alive.
-No, you-- You were driving, because you're my assistant and that's what my assistant does: he drives me around when I get shit-hammered.
What--? Am--? Am I really your assistant? I don't know.
That depends.
Were you driving? Yes.
Yes, I was driving.
Yes, of course you were.
Of course you were.
All right, well, I'm gonna split because I got priors but see you at school.
What in the hell? All right, now, I want this stuff categorized, inventorized.
I'm not paying y'all 2 bucks an hour for nothing, all right? That is a foam middle finger.
How many of those do we have? -We have 16.
-Sixteen.
This is worth millions of dollars.
I don't want sweat and little-kid fingerprints on it.
What's this thing doing out in the driveway? People will buy this shit.
Sixteen or 17? Sixteen? -Kenny, what--? -What's up, Dustin? What's all this junk doing here? Dustin, this "junk" is the answer to all our prayers, man.
I'm gonna sell this memorabilia.
We can make millions.
-Millions of dollars? Toilet seat, Kenny? -Well, this toilet seat is a collectors' item.
It's valued at over $2000, I have a thousand.
Look: Opens up, you take shits through the middle.
Did you fall and bump your head? -What are you talking--? -Gotta be out of your mind.
Who's gonna buy this shit? Excuse me for being a fucking businessman, Dustin.
You could learn something instead of just criticizing.
Or just stay good at what you're doing, which is, I guess, being poor.
If you really wanna sell this stuff, just put it on eBay.
I could list it for you.
Don't put yourself through something with him.
I don't appreciate your tone with me.
Cassie, fantastic idea.
I would love to talk to you one-on-one about said proposal.
-Minus dickhead here.
-No, Cass.
Well, look at that.
Wayne's Triple H sweatshirt just sold for $15.
Oh, I love that.
Gives me a little charge.
That's so fun.
Okay, so basically, we're gonna post your things online and then people will make bids on them.
You know, kind of like an auction.
And then the highest bid wins.
Cassie, I know how the fuck eBay works.
What I wanna know is how much.
Okay, well, here's the thing.
You don't know what the market's gonna be until you actually do post your things online.
Cassie, I'm talking about how much.
How much for you? What's your commish? -What's the damage? -Kenny, I don't want anything from you.
-Okay? I'm not gonna charge you.
-Then why are you doing it? Loved ones, such as yourself, are a blessing to me in our family and we bestow our feelings of love towards you by being generous and blessful.
I don't know.
Sounds a little fishy.
Look at that.
You see that? That's where my dick goes through.
Okay, you know what? I'm starting to see what's possible here.
I mean, maybe this is fate.
You know? I mean, maybe it is fated that you are here on this earth to move these treasures for me.
I mean, think about it.
What are the chances that I'd have all this stuff be staying here with you guys, and then you know how to do eBay good? Maybe this is what God wants.
Maybe God wants us to get rich as hell off of this shit.
Well, that certainly would be nice, wouldn't it? Fuck yeah, it would be nice.
I will be generous with my wealth.
I will help out, obviously, with things around here.
I'll pay for those extra channels that I've subscribed to on the satellite thing.
I will also help out with the boys.
Maybe open up a checking account in their names that I could have access to.
You know, just to drop monies into, make contributions.
Maybe even open up a credit card in their names and my names.
I don't think we're gonna open a credit-card account for you in my children's names.
Okay, well, let's-- We should do the checking-account thing though.
Let's start listing the first stuff.
I've been blessed with many things in this life: an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a Burmese python and the mind of a fucking scientist.
So people often ask me, "Kenny, what are your weaknesses? Do you have any??" I would say that my biggest flaw, my Achilles heel is my tireless work ethic.
People say Kenny is a woman hater.
That's not true.
I love women.
Every fucking one of them, even the ugly-as-shit ones.
But don't ask me to trust them, even nuns, because every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole in need even Kenny can't fill.
I never bought into native American mythology.
You can smoke a pipe till your dick falls off and I'm not dancing with wolves no matter how high I get.
Not that I get high, but if I did, my shit would still believe in Jesus Christ.
One thing I hate, it's losing.
If there's two things it's losing and getting cancelled.
-What are you looking at? -Your nice hair, asshole.
Yeah, nice job making 3 bucks a week, you dipshit.
Sell weed to make more money.
Here's what I need you to do.
Call Kevin Nakashi in Seattle.
He runs Happy Farms, an organic beef distributor.
-I don't have his number.
Find that too.
-Okay, got it.
Have him make shipments of the Kobe beef to Louis.
It's gonna cost more, but if you drop my name -you should get a discount.
-Okay, cool.
Hey, has the petty cash come through yet? I'm still waiting on a check, so I need you to keep floating.
-Okay, l-- -But save your receipts.
-I will reimburse you.
-Very cool, very cool.
Finally I need you to find out who Pliny Caldwell is.
Pliny Caldwell? Yeah, he's some hotshot pitcher trying to be me.
Trying to bite the Powers fucking style.
I wanna know when he plays.
See what this imposter's working with.
-But he's in high school.
-So what? He wants in the big game, and so do l.
He's my competition.
-A casualty of my fucking war.
-Hey.
Consider it done.
Are you ready to learn some next-level shit? -Yes, sir! Yes, sir! -Yes, sir! From this moment on, you guys are no longer little kids.
You're cold, calculated murderers.
This is the mindset you gotta be in if you wanna be a champion.
You got me? Cutty, what do you need, bro? Oh, no, I'm just observing the class.
Carry on, please because I am awfully intrigued.
Class, do we want the principal of the school in our secret meeting of learning? Hell, no! Well, it's really not up to any of you guys.
It's just part of my-- I have to observe my teachers.
The people have spoken, Cut.
Hit the halls, baby.
Okay, let's just try and clean up some of our language.
And I'll just stand over here.
That's fine with me.
-That would be great for me.
I'll tell you, most teachers don't have a problem with me observing, but-- Well, you're about to find out that l ain't like most of these damn teachers.
Okay.
How's that? Am I out of your peripheral? Anyway, so besides getting shot in the back of the head do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school, and I'm not making that up.
You know what? Could you go back behind the door because I was on a good run and now I've just lost it.
-You want me out in the hallway? -That would be fantastic.
Behave yourselves.
Don't try to tell my warriors what to do.
All right, fuck him.
So here we go, guys.
Name of the game, kids: Thunderdome.
Two men enter, one man leaves.
Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Yeah.
Yeah! Get up! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Dude, I'm so sorry about splitting with your truck the other night, man.
I was drunk.
I had a chance to get laid.
-My hands were tied, man.
-I understand.
I'd probably have done the same thing.
We're square on the truck but I need you to do something else.
-And you can't fuck this up.
-Whatever you want, Kenny.
I need you to score me some juice.
-You mean, like, from the store? -No, motherfucker.
I'm talking 'roids.
Don't act like you don't know about drugs.
-I don't know anybody that sells steroids.
-That black dude that had all that Cialis? -Marcus? -Yeah.
Yeah, maybe, but, and I'm not trying to be a dick here but how's taking steroids gonna get you back in the big leagues? I mean, I thought they tested pretty hardcore for that shit.
Obviously, I'm not gonna need steroids once I'm fucking in shape.
This is just to kick-start the training, dude.
I'll see what I can do.
I want my monies.
Show me them monies.
Put it up Dustin's butts.
-What all you got up there so far? -Well, just a few things.
Here, let me pull one up.
Five thousand dollars? Did the damn zero key get stuck, honey? Good Lord.
No, Dustin, the zero key didn't get stuck.
-I don't know what the fuck is so funny.
-Well, just-- Kenny who do you think is gonna pay 5 grand for a broken bat? A lot of people, Dustin.
That's the bat I hit my only home run with.
I don't know why you're being a bitch.
I'm trying to make my life better.
Okay, you know what, Kenny, rather than asking for the top price maybe we should use the bids to, like, drive the price up.
I don't know what that means, Cassie.
Well, we will lower the asking price and then people will compete for the items, thus driving the price up.
So let me get this straight.
You want me to lower the prices-- Basically give shit away.
--so people can just go for the-- For-- Get it for the price that was higher? If that's what you think.
You're the expert.
-I've never done this eBay shit.
-I know.
All right, fine.
We'll lower the price of the bat but I'm not gonna budge on the pillow.
Anyone who wouldn't pay that price is a fucking idiot.
It's a goddamn steal.
All right, cool dudes.
Behold, gentleman.
I offer you a once in a lifetime investment opportunity.
Each of these balls were thrown by this fucking hand in the goddamn World Series.
I've autographed each of them.
I'll even throw in the Halliburton case.
-What do you say? One thousand dollars.
-A thousand dollars? The whole goddamn thing, a thousand bucks.
Come on.
I don't have that kind of money.
Just sell me one ball.
That's all I need.
I can't sell one.
It's part of a set.
You gotta buy them all.
It's all balls or no balls.
Dude, it ain't happening, man.
Come on.
-I thought you said he was serious, man.
-Chaz, you need to get to class.
Kenny, what is this? You messing around with black-market shit now? No, not black-market shit, just regular-market shit.
What? You guys can sell tickets to a cancer-kid dance I can't sell shit for my own things? On school grounds, I'm sure there's a rule against that.
Oh, what are you gonna do? Tell your boyfriend about it? -So, what is this stuff anyway? -Oh, change the subject.
I can roll with that.
Well, April, since you're so concerned these are the priceless heirlooms from my reign as king of the ball field.
-All for sale.
-How much is that mask? This one right here? Funny you ask.
You obviously have an eye for quality.
This mask is valued at over 600 bucks but I'll be willing to give it to you for four hundy.
-Can I try it on? -Yes, you may.
Put it on.
-See, you're being rough with the hat.
-I'm just trying to put it on.
Well, you're almost messing it up.
Look at that, huh? -As handsome as me.
-Fuck you, I'm Kenny Powers.
-You bet your ass you are.
-You know it.
-Now, that, that's how you do? -That's how I do.
You know, if I took you from behind right now, I'd be fucking myself over.
You look like a retarded Michael Myers.
It's not a good look.
What do you say? We got a deal? I can't pay 400 bucks for that shit.
You can't or you won't? -I won't.
-I know why you won't.
-Why? -Because you hate me.
Don't be late for school.
Don't tell me what to do.
Clearance sale.
Stevie, this better be good.
I'm in the middle of some intense goddamn training.
Oh, it's good, Kenny.
I found the boy pitcher.
-Caldwell.
-Oh, for real? Man, I am so excited, I can't wait to see you to-- Strike three! You're out! A perfect pitch.
He threw a perfect pitch? Well, technically, yes, but dude's got dick for style.
He's got no showmanship, no personal pizzazz.
It's like watching a fucking pitching machine.
-Fuck this kid.
-Totally.
Fuck him.
I knew we were wasting our time coming down here, Kenny.
Stevie, first of all don't ever fucking second-guess me, all right? Rule number one.
Kenny Powers? -lt is you, man.
How you doing? -Who's asking? I'm Allan Hicks.
I'm a college recruit from UNCW, man.
I know you don't remember me.
I watched you whip the cracks off of Wilkes Central's butts when you was a sophomore, man.
That's some of the best pitching I have ever seen.
-You had a lot of talent back then.
-Hey, he still does.
Yeah, I'm pretty much re-engineering man's approach to pitching -if you wanna get down to brass tacks.
-Well, that's impressive.
They said you was around, but teaching school or something? I'd focus on the "something" aspect of that.
Yeah, I'm teaching.
That's out of the kindness of my heart.
The real deal is the training.
-You're training again? -You bet your ass.
Morning, noon and night.
I'm two days away from being in the best condition of my life.
Well, that's good for you then there, Kenny.
I always thought it was a shame how things turned out for you.
Didn't turn out too bad.
You know, I'm sober now.
It's crazy what two years sober will do.
Living totally clean.
Honest, just straight.
Kind of makes you see what's really important, don't it? -lt does.
Most definitely.
-Yep.
Word is Kenny Powers is coming back.
-Good luck, yeah.
-Help me out.
With what? With your connects, motherfucker, come on.
Oh, Kenny, I'm a college scout.
I can't-- Come on, man.
You know people.
No, l-- I don't know that many folks that-- No, I'm just not the guy to help you.
Wish I could though.
But you'll help this fucking needle-dick Caldwell.
I don't know if I appreciate how this conversation's turning, son.
-You don't got a clue, bro.
-No, I got the clue.
Let me go back up and do what I came here to do.
Oh, and what's that? Looking at a bunch of boys throwing balls instead of getting onboard my shit and seeing real talent? Watching high school kids is my business, son.
Oh, well, that's fucking terrific.
My business is being a goddamn powerhouse and making millions.
I hate to break this to you, you arrogant piece of shit.
The big leagues never would take you back.
You're too old, you're too fat and you're too damn stupid.
That's not true.
I don't give a fuck what you say.
I'm coming back whether the big leagues want me or not.
It was real nice meeting you, Kenny.
Watch it, prick.
Watch it, ass blood.
Cassie, get up.
Cassandra, get up.
Cassandra! Oh, my God.
Kenny, what is it? There's an emergency.
I need to see you in the computer room now.
Jesus, Kenny.
It's the middle of the damn night.
Now, Cassie.
-Kenny-- -Okay.
-Don't go with him.
-It's okay, it's okay.
Come on.
Go back to sleep, Dustin.
Don't go, baby.
You butt-fucked me, Cassie.
Out of $4993.
What are you talking about, Kenny? The lnternet.
Okay.
Well, that's good.
You sold your bat.
-Congratulations, sweetheart.
-Congratulations, my ass.
Okay, you need to calm down and tell me what's going on.
You wanna know what's going on? This bat we sold? This bat is my home-run bat.
Do you know how many pitchers hit home runs in the majors? Practically almost zero, but I did it.
Now with your help, I sold it for 7 fucking bucks to some asshole.
So you're upset that your bat sold for 7 bucks.
It's not just the bat, Cassie.
Why doesn't anybody want this shit? Kenny, let's be honest here, okay? It's been a while since you've been on top.
Doesn't mean that you've been forgotten or weren't any good.
And it's not an insult to the talent that you had but time changes people's memory sometimes for good and bad.
Well, fuck time.
I know my past is more valuable than 7 bucks.
Yeah, sure, your past is valuable, because it made you who you are today but you need to start thinking about your future.
Okay? I just so happen to see more in you, Kenny.
What do we do with all this awesome, unwanted Kenny Powers shit? Well, I can think of two people in this household who'd certainly love it.
One thing each, boys.
Wayne, one thing, not two.
Ask anybody out there and they'll tell you that the foundation of a baseball player starts with an understanding of some basic fundamentals.
Any one thing.
Choose wisely.
Running, stretching, physical conditioning.
I'd get maybe one of them Kenny Powers condoms to have for when you're older.
Wayne, you might-- There's some Kenny Powers cookies in there.
These are the things that prepare your body for the many challenges a baseball player faces.
I heard that bullshit thrown at me all my damn life.
You know what Kenny Powers says? "Fundamentals are the crutch for the talentless.
" One coach tried to put me on a weight-training program and I was like, "You and your weights can fuck off somewhere.
I'm not lifting that shit.
It's heavy.
Tell me why I need training when I'm strong enough to throw a goddamn See in life, when you have talent, all the other shit doesn't matter.
If we were on an island with no weights and no running drills who would be on top then? The guy with the talent.
Hey, Caldwell.
Kenny Powers says good luck with your fucking career.
I'm gonna break your arm.
It is, isn't it? I have a knife! I have a knife! In a nutshell, you can train all you want.
You can work on your catching, on your throwing, on your running.
Hell, it might even be enough to get you into the majors.
Hey, April, I'm gonna hit the stationary bike.
-Do you need anything? -No, thanks, sweetie.
I love you, April.
I love you too.
But in order to be a standout, an all-star, a champion you need more than hard work and dedication.
You need something that you can't work for.
You need a blessing from God almighty.