English Teacher (2024) s01e03 Episode Script

1
[instructor] Up, one!
-Up, two!
-[groans]
-Up, three!
-[groaning continues]
You want the margarita?
Prove it!
Oh, my God. [chuckles]
-Hey, Harry.
-[instructor] Up!
Um, do you come--
-[instructor] Up!
-I can't--
-[instructor] Up!
-I can't hear you.
Do you-- Okay,
we can talk after.
["I Can Dream About You"
by Dan Hartman plays]
-I didn't know you came to this.
-Yeah.
It's kind of
intense, but I'm into it.
[pants] Yeah.
All right.
I think I'm gonna go shower off.
Oh, yes. They got
nice showers here.
I'm not hiding ♪
The remedy to cure
This old heart of mine ♪
I can dream about you
If I can't
Hold you tonight ♪
-It's huge.
-[Gwen] Just like--
Just so big. And I
hate that I saw it.
-And it makes you, like, sick?
-No, it's, like, inappropriate.
Like, I shouldn't know
what another teacher's dick
in this school looks like.
Ah. But it's, like,
a locker room. Doesn't that
happen all the time?
No, no, no. You don't get it,
Gwen. He wanted me to see it.
-And he got what he wanted.
-Oh, you thought
he did it on purpose?
Yes. I'm telling you.
I'm coming out of the shower.
He sees me.
He goes like this. Really.
Maybe he's, like, not even gay,
and he was just like [grunts]
"God, what's up?"
No, no, he's gay.
He has a rainbow flag
in his Instagram bio.
Well, maybe he's an ally.
Maybe he's an ally
by means of being gay
and hooking up with guys.
I've literally talked to him
about dating men.
-Okay. So, what's the problem?
Sorry, I'm not tracking.
-He's attractive.
Then he puts his horse cock
in my face this morning,
and I'm not allowed to
-Suck it?
-No, date other faculty.
Because of the
investigation thing.
Oh.
Maybe he's not trying
to date you. Like,
that feels kind of like a leap.
No, he's trying to date me.
As you know,
we're in the process
of replacing our school mascot
"The Dragons"
with the newly voted upon
"The Horses." "The Horses."
A student competition is
underway to help choose the new
logo. The new look of the logo--
Did you get a chance
to take a look at any of those?
The kids are
mostly drawing penises.
Uh, well, no,
I haven't had a chance,
but that is disappointing.
So what I was thinking is,
I actually know
this great company
that can help out with this.
They redid the mascots for,
like, five or six
local schools last year.
Really did a bang-up job.
They let the kids
come up with the art,
but then this company
comes in and executes.
Makes it looks
completely professional.
Okay, the student logo design
competition is already
underway, Rick--
Listen, man! This is
personal. All right?
"The Dragons" was
offensive to my people.
[stammers] Your people?
What people? College counselors?
My people.
The people that I come from.
Heaven?
Whatever he is, his
lineage should be celebrated.
Whether he be a white man,
a Black man,
a proud Indian brave--
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Jesus, Markie.
Thank you.
Rick, if you know of a company
that can handle this
in a professional
and effective manner,
then yes, you can be our liaison
on that, all right?
Yes! Hell, yeah. Let's get it.
All right, guys.
This is perfect timing actually
because kids aren't even
thinking about college yet.
It's your company, right?
-Who's to say?
-No, it's his company.
Last but not least, we need
to assign some duties
and committees.
Gwendolyn, I need you
on bus duty this week.
And from what I can tell,
the only person
not on a committee
is you, Evan and Harry,
so, uh, I'm gonna have
you two together to head up
the homecoming dance, all right?
-Okay.
-No. No, no, no.
-I'm-- I'm-- No, I really am--
-All right, we are dismissed,
okay?
-Go inspire those young,
warped minds.
-[murmuring]
[teacher] I wanna sing the
national anthem this morning.
Why would they do this to me?
Grant, can I talk
to you for a second?
-These are crazy.
-What do you want?
I'm thinking it might be good
if you unpair Harry and I
for this homecoming dance thing.
-Why?
-I can't tell you why,
but just trust me.
I mean, I can unpair you,
but I'll need a clear reason.
Otherwise, it'll
look like homophobia.
How's it gonna
look like homophobia?
If I separate two gay men,
isn't that homophobia?
I can see the logic.
Some of these kids
could get into Parsons.
It's really beautiful work.
Can you just--
I-- I think-- Just unpair us.
-It's-- It'll be good.
-No, Evan.
Just do your job. Stop creating
drama where there is none.
Just plan the-- plan
the homecoming dance.
Go.
[sighs]
This horse will do.
Rick, I found a winner.
Okay. So,
how much do we think
the author is writing
based on his own experiences?
Do it. Just say something.
Chelsea, what's going on?
Um, Mr. Marquez,
I'm sorry to interrupt class,
but it's actually
super triggering for me
to be reading a book
about a disease right now
with everything
I'm going through.
Because of everything
you're going through?
What are you
going through, Kayla?
The rest of the class sort of
already knows about this.
-But recently
-[students] Mmm.
I was
successfully diagnosed
[sniffles]
with something called
You're doing great, Kayla.
-[Jason] It's okay.
-Be present with
your illness, okay?
-Asymptomatic Tourette's.
-[Evan groans]
-What?
-So what Tourette's syndrome is,
right--
No, I know what
Tourette's syndrome is.
Oh, great. Okay. So it sounds
like you're halfway there,
and you're taking an opportunity
to be educated,
which is honorable.
-Thank you.
-So, asymptomatic Tourette's,
right?
It's like Tourette's syndrome
with the tics and, like,
the hardship, right?
But without any symptoms.
So in its way, AT is harder.
-Because--
-What is AT?
Oh, asymptomatic
Tourette's. Okay.
-Uh-huh.
-It is harder.
Because people have, like,
actually no idea
the battle
that people like Kayla
are fighting inside every day.
It's a silent killer.
And someone actually
diagnosed you with this?
-It's disrespectful to ask that.
[whispers] I'm so sorry--
-[Kayla] It's okay.
You can't blame people
for making really huge mistakes
when they haven't
learned the etiquette.
It's only self-diagnosable.
I see.
-[bell rings]
-She's making up
this whole fake disease.
She's describing the symptoms.
There aren't any symptoms.
She's calling it
asymptomatic Tourette's.
I feel like I've
never related to you more
about these kids
just making up crazy shit
for their own benefit.
It's insane.
Have you done a full
and comprehensive diagnostic
to see if there's any
potential underlying symptoms?
I'm not a doctor,
but I don't have to be a doctor
to know that this girl
is making something up.
Tell you what, I'll come
by your classroom tomorrow.
-Get a firsthand assessment
of her condition.
-You're not a doctor.
Two and a half more
credits in kinesiology,
and I would've been a doctor.
[Evan] Okay.
So then the blue streamers
the school has.
I have to buy gold streamers.
And then there's a ladder
I think in the utility closet.
Yeah, it's
basically that. Right?
[chuckles]
Wow, I did not realize
that we had, like, an agenda.
Oh, yeah. The-- The--
I just, um, have to get home
to grade all these papers.
Yeah, okay.
Blue and gold streamers it is.
Ugh. Oh, my God.
I'm sorry that took so long.
One of the managers was, like,
low-key sexually harassing me
in the back.
[chuckles] I'm sorry to
ask this, are you guys gay?
-Mm-hmm. Yeah.
-Mmm. Yeah.
[waiter] My people. Thank God.
When you walked in,
I clocked you,
and I was like, "Hey, sister."
And it's, like, the
community in Austin is amazing,
but, like, I keep trying
to reach out to people,
and they're like,
"You're toxic,"
or "I'm busy," and I'm like,
"Babe, I have zero friends."
I moved here from Michigan.
So, my dears, what can I get
you two lovebirds for din-din?
Oh. Sorry. We're not lovebirds.
We just work together.
[chuckles]
Oh, my God.
I think maybe we need
a little bit more time.
[waiter] No sweat.
Uh, if you need anything,
holler "Clarkson."
My name's Daniel.
So I'm-- I'm realizing actually
I can do a lot of this alone.
So I might just head home,
and, uh, I'll get my food to go.
Hey, but, okay,
we're here though.
And I just got my wine, so
Look, I get it.
This committee shit.
It's annoying.
But, like, let's just, you know,
have some fun with it.
[whispers] Okay. That's fine.
Oh, I have a few ideas
for the playlist,
if you want to talk about that?
Don't the kids do the music?
Yeah, see, I don't think
that's a good idea, right?
Because at my last school,
we let a kid deejay the prom,
and then he tried to play
an entire episode
of Dax Shepard's podcast.
-Which episode?
-Oh.
I've actually been super
into this song lately.
I-- I'll just play it for you.
["Eternal Flame" playing]
[sighs] Oh, my God.
Close your eyes
Give me your hand, darling ♪
Do you feel
My heart beating?
Do you understand? ♪
Do you feel the same ♪
Are you fucking kidding?
You come to my favorite
restaurant?
I'm six months pregnant,
you bitch.
-Malcolm.
-[chuckles] I'm kidding.
-What the fuck
are you doing here?
-Hey, babe. Come here.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-Ah, that's--
-Miss you.
Sorry. Malcolm, this is Harry.
He works at Morrison now.
Harry, this is Malcolm.
-He used to work
at Morrison, but--
-Yes. Yes.
I used to work at Morrison.
Until I got fired
for fucking him.
That is not what happened.
Yeah, we had sex.
Penetrative. Top. Bottom.
-That is really
not what happened.
-And I got fired.
He was-- He's my ex-boyfriend,
and now I'm single.
Which I like.
I like being single,
and I don't want to have a--
I'm not-- I'm not
open to relationships.
-[laughs] Okay.
High-strung tonight.
-[Harry] Mm-hmm.
-Is he being weird on your date?
-[Evan] It's not a date.
Um, hey, did-- did the
waiter ask you if you were gay?
No. I guess I give
off, like, a masc vibe.
Sometimes I wish
I was more femme like you guys.
I've tried to be femme
for clout. It just doesn't
come naturally to me.
I-I-- You're leaving.
Do I have to?
-I could stay and hang out.
-No, you're leaving.
I'm gonna leave
with you. I have to go.
I just-- He can give me a ride.
-I can give him a ride.
-A ride to your car?
A ride to my car,
exactly. Yeah, so
-Hey, nice to meet you.
-Great work.
And I-I will see you at work.
-You too. Asante. [chuckles]
-Um
Thanks so much. Okay.
-Whoo! We did it.
-[Malcolm] He's hot.
[sighs]
I literally have COVID.
He's hot, huh?
-Harry.
-[chuckles]
My God.
I can't believe Grant found
the second-hottest gay guy
in Austin to replace me.
It's just this whole thing
because he's into me,
and he's like-- I can tell
he's trying to make a move.
[laughs]
Really?
-Yeah.
-He's into you?
I didn't get that vibe at all.
-Malcolm.
-I truly didn't.
He literally played a gorgeous
song like this on his phone.
So we had to smoosh
our faces together.
But that doesn't mean anything.
I mean, I-- People do that
all the time.
People play music
for each other. It's,
like, not really a big deal.
I actually think I was
getting a vibe from him.
He looked at me, and it
kind of gave like, "Let's kiss
and also fuck. Right now."
Oh, my God.
Oh! You're jealous.
I like that.
More of that face, please.
It's the most boyfriend-y thing
you've done to me in months.
Hey, guys, before we
get started today here--
Settle down, settle down.
Um, before class starts today,
I would like to
take some ownership
and say a few words
about AT, also known as
asymptomatic Tourette's.
[students sigh] Come on.
-Uh-huh, Chelsea. Yes.
-It's not called AT anymore.
That's actually
super disrespectful.
Oh. What is it called now?
KS. It stands
for Kayla Syndrome.
It's named as
an "in memoriam" to Kayla.
-Deirdre, I think
you mean a tribute.
-No.
-Okay.
-Are you getting that? Does
that make sense to you, sir?
Oh, so it's named after Kayla.
Okay. That's cool.
It's actually not cool.
Are you seeing this girl?
-She's sick as a dog.
-[Evan] Yeah.
Well, I apologize, Kayla.
I'm sorry that you
have Kayla Syndrome.
So it's actually better
if you just call it KS.
-Okay.
-Because it's super triggering
-for Kayla to hear
her own name
-Absolutely.
-brought up in that context.
-Gotcha.
-Makes sense.
-You know, part of me wonders
You-- You have something to say?
Say it. Just say it.
-Coach Hillridge, do
you have any thoughts?
-I'm just here to listen.
-That's why you the man.
-Thank you, Coach Hillridge.
That means a lot.
You're welcome, Kayla.
[Chelsea] Yes. Thank you, sir.
[Markie]
Chelsea, you're welcome.
-Did anybody do the homework?
-[students] No.
-We've all been
dealing with this.
-[Evan] Right.
You're all getting
your medical degrees.
[bell rings]
-Have a good one, Jake.
-All right.
So after witnessing that,
do you still think AT is--
-[Markie] KS.
-KS. You still think
it's a real disease?
Look, it's
actually quite simple.
Kayla and Chelsea, best friends
since freshman year, right?
-Side by side,
socially speaking.
-Uh-huh.
Last month, Chelsea's out for a
couple of weeks. Remember that?
The whole time she's gone,
all Kayla could hear is,
"Where's Chelsea? Is Chelsea
gonna be out for much longer?"
So then Kayla's getting jealous,
and she comes up with--
[Markie]
Asymptomatic Tourette's.
And it worked for a time.
But then Chelsea starts
rallying everyone to be
super supportive of Kayla.
And what does that do?
Makes everybody talk about how
great and caring Chelsea is.
Chelsea did the same thing
to Renee last year, and Renee
is still not back at 100%.
-You know what I'm saying?
-[stammers] Who's Renee?
Come on, man. She goes by
Deirdre in the classroom,
Renee in the friend group.
Keep up, Marquez.
It's just so much information.
But that's beside the point.
It brings us to today.
The events of what happened
here in your classroom.
Who speaks up
on Kayla's behalf?
Who started making sure
everyone was sympathetic
to the journey
that Kayla was on?
Who renamed the goddamn disease?
Chelsea.
Kayla's whole gambit
to gain sympathy
has turned into nothing more
than a vehicle for
Chelsea's rapid ascent to
the upper echelon of popularity.
[exhales sharply]
That's crazy. You got all this
from 20 minutes in my classroom?
[snorts]
I only needed ten.
I've fallen in love
And there's no ♪
You know, I have to say,
you are the hottest man
I've ever met.
[laughs] Stop.
What'd you think
of my dick in the locker room?
I loved it.
I knew you wanted me to see it,
but Gwen thought--
Well, Gwen was wrong.
And Markie is also wrong.
About everything.
I know.
You got the touch ♪
-[honking]
-[grunts]
[tires squeal]
-[tires squealing]
-[cell phone ringing]
[sighs]
Evan, I'm trying to take a nap.
So it better be important.
It is. Listen, to put it simply,
Harry's extremely into me. Okay?
And I know I'm not allowed
to date other teachers,
and I think he's gonna try
to do something about it.
And I'm trying to avoid it,
but it could happen.
Somebody who looks like Harry
would not be into you.
-This is not a problem.
-You don't get it.
We were in the
locker room the other day,
and he takes off his towel
in front of me on purpose.
He showed me his
incredible ass and dick.
-No. Stop it. Stop it, Evan.
-I was exhausted
just by the fantasies
-that came just from
seeing it initially.
-Evan. Evan. Stop.
-We did not have
this conversation.
-We had this conversation.
-I'll see you at the dance.
-I am hot.
I am considered hot
in my community, okay?
I don't care if you all think
I'm basic-looking.
I'm an attractive gay guy.
You got the touch of love ♪
And I just
Can't get enough ♪
Oh, Evan. This
streamer just ripped.
Will you hold the ladder?
You don't need me
to hold the ladder, Harry.
I have to make more punch.
Okay.
Ashley, your mom
did such a good job
with those sugar cookies.
I love them.
-God, he looks so good tonight.
-Hey.
But I don't care
how hard he tries.
Nothing is gonna
happen between us.
Is it possible [sucks teeth]
he's maybe not trying
to make something happen?
You know, like,
you're very handsome and--
[stammers] You're so handsome.
But maybe you're
just reading into it.
No, it feels unmistakable.
Sorry. Um, Evan,
could I speak to
you outside for a second?
Sure.
-[student 1] Sorry.
-[student 2] Evening, sir.
[exhales sharply]
-[Harry] Um
-[sighs]
Did I do
something to offend you?
No. Of course not.
Uh-huh. Because you
[stammers]
you've been acting
very weird with me all week.
I'm-- I'm--
Harry, I'm being weird
because if something happened
between us,
it would be very
catastrophic for my life.
Okay?
I think you know this already.
I'm not allowed to date teachers
because of a very specific
situation in my life.
So if something happens
between you and I, you know,
i-it's not gonna be good.
You wanna fuck me.
I wanna fuck you. I get it.
This is clear as day, but
it's gonna go beyond that, okay?
We're gonna wanna
start dating each other.
We're probably potentially
gonna wanna get married.
Then, what happens?
One of us is gonna quit?
I can't just report
this marriage to the board.
One of us is gonna
have to quit the job.
And so that's--
that's where I draw the line.
And I don't care
how bad you want it.
I don't care how bad I want it.
It's not happening, okay?
I'm not throwing away my life
for-- for you.
For-- For whatever this thing is
that you're imagining
that we have together.
Evan, take a breath.
-[breathes sharply]
-Um, first of all,
I-I have a boyfriend.
-I'm-- It's-- It's not even--
-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
No, no, no.
It's okay. I do this.
-This is something
I do, actually.
-No, it's--
I think people are into me
when they're not into me.
And I think I'm, like--
I have this, like, inflated
sense of my own attractiveness.
And I think I'm,
like, this hunky guy.
And then I get really attracted
to really good-looking guys.
And then I find out they were
never thinking of me like that.
-I have a funny-looking face.
-Evan. Evan.
If you would let me
talk for a second--
Is this Kayla Syndrome?
No, it's-- I'm sorry.
That's so stupid.
I-- There-- Yes.
We can just be coworkers.
I really appreciate it.
I'm sorry.
-Evan.
-I'm serious.
You don't need to save me.
I'm fine. Thank you.
[feedback]
Hello. Hello.
Hey, hello, everyone.
Gather around, gather around.
Oh, God. I just had the weirdest
interaction with Harry. [sighs]
He's not into me.
You were so right.
-I was just making
the whole thing up.
-That's great.
Before we announce
our homecoming court winners,
we will have
a brief presentation
of our new school mascot
designed by the R.C.K. Group.
-All right.
-[chuckles]
-Where da weed at?
-[chuckles]
Nah, I'm just messing around.
You guys are good kids.
I'm now excited and thrilled to
present your new school mascot,
-Michael the Horse!
-Oh, Michael.
Not even alliteration.
-Come on!
-[attendees murmuring]
-Let's go!
-[attendees groaning]
-[attendees] Boo!
-[attendee 1]
Get the hell off the stage!
Thank you. Thank
you, R.C.K. Group.
I guess we'll just
remain "The Dragons"
for the time being.
So now for your homecoming
court queen, Kayla Stephenson.
-[attendees cheering]
-Kayla Stephenson.
[attendee 2] Yeah, Kayla!
[cheering continues]
-Are you crying?
-She did it.
Thank you.
This means the world to me.
But there's someone here tonight
who could use this tiara
a whole lot more than me.
Chelsea.
I don't care what Thomas
said about you last night.
You're the coolest.
This is for you.
[attendees] Aw!
What the hell was that?
I had a little chat with Kayla.
Gave her some sage wisdom.
-What'd you tell her?
-The truth.
The best way to gain power
is to artificially give it away.
-Thank you.
-All right.
Congratulations. Both of you.
-So you solved it?
-Yep.
At least until Lauren gets
her Invisalign out. I mean
Who is Lauren?
Come on, dude.
-You don't know who Lauren is?
-Wow.
You guys are
obsessed with the students
in a way that is weird to me.
Close your eyes
Give me your hand, darling ♪
What's up?
Um.
You kind of just left
before we had a chance
to finish our conversation.
I did?
Yeah.
[chuckles] Yeah. I guess
I felt like I was, like
[clears throat]
The longer I stayed out there,
the more I was gonna say
insane shit.
[both chuckle]
It's probably
the right instinct.
Yeah.
I don't know what's
wrong with me sometimes.
Honestly, I kinda liked
seeing you like that.
It was cute.
Really?
Really.
[chuckles]
But you have a boyfriend.
It's not the '50s, man.
We're open.
-Oh, you're open. Of course.
-Yeah. [chuckles]
-Yeah.
-That makes sense.
Or is this burning ♪
An eternal flame? ♪
Close your eyes ♪
-Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.
-[clamoring]
-What the hell, man?
-This was a mistake.
-What wrong with you?
-This was a mistake.
I got caught up in the moment,
and that doesn't matter though,
-because that moment
did not even happen.
-[clamoring continues]
Okay. Okay.
So you're like crazy, crazy.
Got it.
I'm gonna leave.
Good. That's what
I want you to do.
I can dream about you
If I can't hold you tonight ♪
I can dream about you
You know how to hold me
Just right ♪
I can dream about you
You know how to hold me
Just right ♪
Oh, I can dream about you ♪
If I can't
Hold you tonight ♪
I can dream about you ♪
Oh, I can dream
I can dream ♪
-I can dream about you ♪
-Dream about you ♪
Oh, I can dream about you ♪