Enlisted (2014) s01e03 Episode Script

Hey, can I hide in here for a second? - No.
- Thanks.
Everybody in the platoon is on top of me.
I can't get a second to myself.
Hey, Sergeant Hill.
What do you got there? A paper blog? I don't know what this is.
Can you give me a hand in the bathroom? I gotta pee.
Sergeant Hill, tell her she can't have a cat in our room.
- I can't kick her out, she's pregnant.
- You don't even know if it's a she.
Sergeant Hill, will you come to our room, and sex our cat? He was not pregnant.
And Randy is the worst one.
- Hey, brother.
- God! Hey, brother! (Gasps) Hey, brother.
(Gasps) - Randy! - Geez, it's early.
He made me wash his back, and I did it! How do you think I feel? While you were away, I had to be the big brother.
Help him through the rough spots? That's not me.
I'm the middle brother.
I am the rough spots.
Yeah, you're a jerk.
Yes! Thank you.
I'm tired of living a lie.
I got no time to myself.
Every day is like Christmas morning when Randy would wake up at 3:00 A.
M.
We'd hear the pitter-patter of his feet coming down the hallway.
Then we'd hear him say, "Pete! Pete! Pete! Pete!" Pete! Pete! Pete! Pete! Pete, I got here as fast as I could.
- I texted him.
- Check out this muscle.
If feels good to be me again.
Feels like calamari.
CODY: The army is filled with troops on heroic missions, and then there's us.
We take care of things at home.
We are the rear detachment.
Yes, we're soldiers.
S01E03 Pete's Airstream Pete, now that you're here, I've been waiting to pitch something to you.
You need to stand up for this, though.
No, go ahead, sit down.
Actually, stand.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Just sit for It's probably best if you stand so then I'm gonna kill you.
You should move in with us.
Oh, boy.
I am overjoyed about this.
It's what we all want.
Why fight it any longer? Why fight it, Pete? We'd be together all the time, and I can ask you questions about being a super soldier as they occur to me in real time.
I don't know, Randy, three guys in one room We'll add a third bunk right on top of here.
I saw it on a Japanese website.
Everyone looked so happy.
It'd be like a brother vending machine.
And until we get the toripuru nidanbeddo - Tori what? - You can sleep on this.
(Air hissing) I love you, brother.
(Hip-hop plays) What What is that? Dobkiss writes and performs his own hip-hop next door.
Unh, unh You're not gonna believe this.
He's not that good.
Look, Randy, this isn't Unh, unh, unh - I'll think about it.
- Son of a bitch, this is gonna happen! - That was not a yes.
- There was room for a yes.
- Yeah, maybe more of a no.
- There was a soft no, is what I'm hearing.
Yeah, you're hearing things I'm not saying.
- I feel great about this.
- So do I.
All right, sergeants.
I need you to put together a seminar on sinkhole preparedness.
Some of our families on post saw a news report, and now they're all jumpy.
About sinkholes? How often does that even happen? Doesn't matter.
One of our families on post gets scared, we unscare 'em.
Well Yes, panthers are native to Florida, but it's extremely rare for them to attack a person.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning.
Yes, you could get struck by lightning, but it's practically impossible.
It's like worrying about a zombie attack.
(Chuckles) Okay.
If you're being attacked by a zombie, wake up, because, obviously, you're having a nightmare.
Okay.
The trick is to avoid comparisons.
Dismissed.
Oh, Sergeant Hill I hear you're moving in with Randy.
What? No.
So you're just gonna wash a man's back and not give him the benefit of a toripuru nidanbeddo? How did you even hear about that? Nothing happens on this post that I don't know about.
- Nothing? - (Laughs) Do you challenge? Oh, don't challenge.
Yeah, I challenge.
All right, why did Betty from the chow hall? Break up with Private Lin? Why didn't she do it six months ago when he cheated on her the first time? Boom.
Boom! I told you not to challenge.
That was a gimme.
Which maintenance shed was turned into a grow room for marijuana? It wasn't marijuana.
It was heirloom tomatoes.
I'll see you in tonight's arrabiata.
Boom! Boom! (Cody and Perez humming) I hate it here.
I hate it here.
So, you're trying to figure out you're living situation, huh? Yeah, living in a tent in a combat zone for three years, I need some space to myself.
So move off post.
I live in a duplex.
Oh, I get it.
- You want me to move in upstairs.
- No.
You lend me some fabric softener, I kill a spider for you, then you get mad 'cause you overhear me having sex with some girl, you get a little upset, we have the talk, I say, "I should leave", you say you can't be alone tonight Please stop before I throw up.
But wait, the girl's still in my apartment.
Let's call her "Brandi" with an "I.
" I don't rent to soldiers.
You gotta keep your work separate from your personal life.
As far as my soldiers know, I'm an enigma.
An enigma? (Laughs) Did you just call yourself an enigma? I know you're used to talking to women who dropped out of sixth grade, so let me try this again.
Um I totes keep it all separate, 'cause if you don't, it changes how your soldiers see you, for realsies.
- That sounds just like Brandi with an "I".
- Look, if my soldiers were my friends, I couldn't do this Hands in your pockets, Private! Drop and give me 50 while singing the National Anthem! Damn.
I never want to not do that.
Yeah that's way better than having friends.
- Got any tips on where I should live? - Nah, you'll be all right.
Just avoid the depressing single-guy trailer park near the dump.
Depressing single-guy trailer park near the dump? (Sighs) (Crashing, Pete grunts) Hey, brother! (Gasps) Randy! Dude, I love this place! - Come over here.
- No, no, no, no! - No naked brother hugs! - I love this place.
- Oh, we talked about this! - I know, but I'm so happy.
- Here you go.
- Ah, thanks, dude.
Ooh! Real-time super soldier question Is the drone program compatible with the larger foreign policy goal of winning the hearts and minds? - Get your junk off my counter.
- It's cool, they're clean.
You know, at first, I didn't understand why you didn't want to live with us, but now I get it.
- This place is like a clubhouse.
- It's not a clubhouse.
The towel's for your waist.
Where are my manners? I brought you some housewarming gifts.
Oh! It's touching me.
Some TP, a four-pack of fire extinguishers, ten-pack of cheese balls, which I already broke into.
That's why I had to take a shower.
Also, your shower's a little orange.
Bulk items are the last thing you need when you move into a trailer, Randy.
- Is something wrong? - Have a seat, buddy.
- Wait! Stand.
- I'll split the difference.
Look I moved off post so I could get away from everybody.
Totally, dude.
Those guys are a handful.
When I say everybody, I mean Everybody.
- Totally.
- Wow.
Randy I do not want to live with you.
That's not a soft no.
That's a straight-up hard no.
You know what, I will take that towel, Since it's obviously so important that you don't see me.
Come on, Randy.
I apologize for the great gifts.
I'll see you on post, Sergeant Hill.
I'll get changed in the car.
(Muttering): So mean.
Thinks he can live alone.
Doesn't need me.
I'll live in a trailer twice as big.
You can check with the army corps of engineers to see if they've occurred in your area.
Or you can get your foundation inspected.
But again, a sinkhole is extremely rare and very unlikely to happen, period.
But if it did happen, it'd look like this.
Whammo! (Gasping) Oh, my God! Hot dogs are around the corner.
I know they're terrified, but that model was so much fun to build.
Are we done with the sinkhole seminar? Because it's probably the only time I'm gonna spend with my brother, since we're really just professionals sharing a workplace.
Come on, Randy.
Did everybody hear? Pete got a fancy new trailer over by the dump.
Ooh! Oh! The dump! Didn't know our platoon sergeant was Donald Trump! My bed touches my toilet.
When's the trailer-warming party? That's just it, Park.
There's not going to be one.
Derrick, stop stirring the pot.
Come on, it's just been a while.
This is classic me-you.
Check this out.
Guys, the whole reason he even got the trailer is - so he could get away from everybody.
- And everybody means me especially.
Not you especially, Randy.
So you lump me in with everybody else? I'm your brother! Why don't you want to have us over, Sergeant Hill? Is it because I look like one of the Rugrats? - Is it because Tanisha hogs the remote? - Really, you blowing up my spot now? - You sleep with a dog! - No.
Pete hates everyone equally.
I mean, think about it.
He's been three weeks, and he hasn't made a single attempt to get to know anyone.
- That's ridiculous.
- Really? What's Gumble's first name? I want to say, um Jerry? It's Mort.
(Laughing) Come on.
Seriously? Mort? - Wow, you really hate me.
- Do you even have any black friends? - Come on, I - Answer the black friend question.
Guys, I really do want to get to know all of you better.
So you're saying we can come and hang out at your trailer? Sure Yeah! Yes! Yeah! - (Whooping) - Trailer time! - It's a party in the trailer! - That's cool.
(Loud music playing) - So much drama today.
- So much.
- It's nice that it's just us.
- Right? Girls' night! Okay, let's get some men.
Check out Sergeant Perez eating dinner by herself again.
What is her deal? I mean, she's cute, she's got all her teeth, no lazy eye I heard she's an enigma.
Dobkiss says she's a runaway who remade herself as a junior beauty queen who donated a kidney to Pablo Escobar.
Stop talking.
She's just a really cute girl eating curly fries like it's her second job.
Some skeevy guy just took off his wedding ring to go talk to her? Uh, if you know what I mean? Hey, fat beetlejuice, these seats are taken.
Taken, married guy! What is happening? Okay, you owe us a cocktail.
Hey! Sergeant Hill! Just thought, based on what you said, you and I could hang out.
Yeah.
Come on in, J Mort.
Jamort? Actually, my uncle was named Jamort.
- Oh, really? - No, no, no.
'Cause he's not a Jamaican rabbi.
- All right.
- Jamort! Ja-ja-Jamort! Not following you, but all right.
We're having a girls' night.
What's your type, Jill? You like 'em big? I like 'em big.
I think you should probably call me Sergeant Perez.
Aw, come on, little budget Jessica Alba.
It's girls' night! She needs a nickname.
- No, I don't.
- Yes I don't need a nickname, I don't.
And I don't need to know how big you like 'em.
Oh, real big.
Like giants.
They call me "Dark" because I get scary dark sometimes.
And Tanisha's "Stay Puff" because she's just a marshmallow inside.
- You know I didn't approve that nickname.
- I really don't need a nickname.
- Got it! Lone Wolf.
- Lone Wolf! Nailed it, Stay Puff! Guys, look, I really don't think we should be fraternizing.
Can you just let me eat my dinner? - Lone Wolf! - Classic Lone Wolf! (Howling) (Laughing) You're not going anywhere, are you? Nope.
Oh, here all night, girl.
I wore my good bra.
So tell me what your interests are Mort.
Food, food and food.
I'm a foodie! I coined that term.
-No, you didn't.
- No, I didn't.
My dream is to open a food truck that serves Korean-Cuban fusion food that I'm calling Korauban.
All I need is $10,000.
You're eating into my time, dawg.
-This guy.
- Your time? We all made a schedule so we could get a little bit more Sergeant Hill time.
What? So we'll talk more about "Pete's eats" tomorrow.
That's what I'm calling it, for $10,000.
Hey.
Prepare to have your mind blown, son.
Dj American eagle in the house! (Crows loudly) Shot break! Ha! Nobody expects gin! What is happening? That is disgusting.
(Rapping): Living in a trailer Mama says I'm a failure Probably should've been a tailor Democracy (Feedback squeals) You know, I had one more verse I wanted to do for you, though.
Okay.
When I say dirty, you say sex Dirty! (Feedback squeals) Sergeant Hill! That's Ugh, I hate beer.
-It's the worst.
- Mm-hmm.
Why do we always drink it? The gentlemen in the corner bought you another round.
- Thank you.
Bye! - Thank you.
We are like sexual catnip up in here! All ethnic bases covered, too.
- African-American, Latina, Asian - We are like a yogurt commercial.
Keep walking, white girl.
You had your time.
What?! (Squealing) Hi, Sergeant Hill.
My name is Randy Hill.
I enjoy football, sharks and having a brother who wants to spend time with me.
- Come on, Randy, it's late.
- (Door opens) Hey, guys.
I'm up next, but I gave my time to Randy.
So he gets two hours instead of one.
- Oh, the shark book? - Yeah.
It's really long.
Bartender: Last call! This has been really fun, but I have to get up early.
And so do you.
- No! We gotta keep this going! - Yeah, I know of a party.
(Gasps) I stopped the clock when you fell asleep while I was talking about whale sharks.
- What time is it? - Doesn't matter.
I still have 13 minutes left.
(Laughing nearby) - Now the party started.
- What party? (Partygoers clamoring) (Music playing loudly) Man: And shake it real good! What the hell? Everybody wanted to throw you a housewarming party, so Here it is.
Pete, come have a mouth-garita.
They're absolutely rancid.
All right! (Woman whoops) Perez: I don't know if I was invited or not! Lone Wolfs don't give a (Howls) Hey, welcome home, sarge! Congrats on your new place! Where's he going? Trailer.
(Music stops) Man: What are you doing? Hey, hey! Oh, no! - Woman: Hey! - Men: Oh! Everyone, get out.
I don't want you here.
I don't want to get to know you.
Just want to be left alone.
Lone Wolf (Coughing) (Indistinct chatter) I'll just roll my 13 minutes into tomorrow, Pete.
It's a good thing you got out of the barracks.
That place is a dump.
Can you help me bag this up? You're asking me to help you clean up trash from a party I wasn't invited to? Trust me.
You did not want to come.
Well, still it's It's nice to be invited.
So, this is your fortress of solitude? Come on.
Give me the tour.
Well, there's the tour.
Grim.
So, you want to talk about why you went all Backdraft on the party last night? How did you hear about that? - Do you challenge? - No.
They were having a party on my lawn with mouth-garitas and a pig on a spit.
This party is sounding better and better.
There were girls dancing on my roof.
You're right.
Sounds fantastic.
What's this really about, son? Nothing.
I've come back from combat.
I've been just where you are right now.
There's so much going on in your head.
I know it's not easy to talk about.
It's okay.
It's just us.
Look I don't know what I'm dealing with.
I just needed some space to work things out.
(Knocking) Oh, that is the opposite of space.
You wanted us to come over, Sergeant Major? Let's talk, boys.
Oh, okay, today (Clears throat) They want us to run another sinkhole seminar.
'Cause people are still scared from the last one.
Plus they want a mini-seminar on mole people.
Evidently, if you survive the sinkhole, you're then down there with the, uh (Howls) Who howled?! Did you just howl?! Negative, Sergeant Perez! (All snickering) All right, guys, listen up.
I got some bad news.
(All booing) At least wait to hear it first.
Look, we got to stay out of Pete's trailer for a while.
That's not news 'cause he obviously hates us.
- Tell him, Jamort.
- I said don't make that a thing, please.
All (Chanting): Jamort! Jamort! Jamort! Listen up! Look, it's not that Pete doesn't like you.
It's just that Why don't you let me take it from here, buddy? - I got it, man.
- All right.
I thought the most important thing was hanging out with my brother.
Pete's the strongest soldier I know.
But every once in a while, even the strongest soldiers will go through some stuff.
Right now, he might not want us there with him.
But we're gonna be there for him.
Go ahead, Derrick.
No, brother.
(Chuckles) Good job.
(Indistinct chatter) Park: Somebody's here.
Robinson: Hey! - What's up, Lone Wolf? - Lone wolf! Enough with the "Lone Wolf".
Look.
I'm sorry, but I can't hang out with you two anymore.
My soldiers are already disrespecting me.
This is unacceptable.
That is so unacceptable.
You shouldn't have come out with us last night.
You were the one that wanted me to go to the party.
I know.
Little secret? I give really bad advice.
Mm-hmm.
Because of her, I have a tattoo of a dolphin smoking a bong.
Which you love! You're gangster and, like, Flipper at the same time.
No? Okay.
I thought it was a good idea.
Last night was fun, but I've got to keep work and life separate.
If that means I'm gonna be lonely, then That's what it means.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, it's not gonna work.
We're already friends.
- Whether you like it or not.
- But I just Last night happened, and do not blame it on the alcohol! Is that Dark Park? Dark Park would've stabbed you.
I don't stab friends.
Aw.
We got an "aw.
" - She's hooked! Okay.
- Stop that.
What we can do is not call you Lone Wolf on post.
Would that work for you Sergeant Perez? That would work.
Stay Puff.
Stab that bitch.
(Knocking) Hey, brother? What is all this? We understand you wanted to be alone, but you also kind of put the kibosh on the housewarming party, so we're throwing you another one.
This one's gonna be quiet.
(Whispering): Two pair, bitch! (Whispering): We're playing hearts.
We promise not to bother you, man.
We just want you to know we're here for you.
Hey Brother? Thanks.
We're here for you, Pete! We got beers for you, Pete! Oh, my God, man! This is the worst time! So inappropriate! My bad.
Quiet! We're staying quiet.
Everyone.
Okay.
Platoon! Attention! Private Ruiz? Do you remember howling at me? - Uh - Um! You just got yourself a ten-mile run.
And howl the National Anthem! (Howling) I don't see you running! Is everyone squared way? - Good afternoon, Sergeant Perez! - Hi, guys! Son of a bitch! Sinkholes really do happen!