Everything I Know About Love (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

1 In every love story, there are unavoidable junctions of change.
It could be the moment something begins.
Hello, again.
Hi.
It might be when everything's been on an even keel for years.
Something happens that takes the relationship in a new direction.
It may be exactly what you planned.
This change may be a surprise.
Do we need a condom? I've gone on the pill.
Since when? Since last week.
Slow down.
And pass me that thing from under my pillow.
Fuck, that's hot.
Oh, that's the burritos.
It's it's fine.
They'll leave it outside.
I didn't specify the safe space.
Safe PLACE.
Safe PLACE.
Why not? I forgot.
They'll leave it there.
- I'm just worried - Fine, fine, go get them.
Thank you.
You're a filthy girl.
Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
You're so desperate for my cock that you have to fuck me in a filthy toilet.
Oh, yeah, I'm disgusting.
Sometimes, only one person in the love story can see these crossroads .
.
because sometimes it just takes a handful of words.
All future drinks are on the house.
They forgot the guacamole! Oh, you dirty slut Oh! Oh, you big posh cunt! Oh! I'm so sorry Birdy What? I love you.
I love you, too.
Do you spell "come" with an O or a U? Mm, different schools of thought.
Personally, I always use "come" with an O as the verb, but "cum" with a U as the noun.
Thanks.
Are you sexting that barman? Yeah, Rege.
Are you going to go on a date with him? Nah, no dates.
Just hook-ups.
- But he's so fit.
- Yeah, but you know my plan.
I'm not falling in love until I'm 31, and he's going to be a 6'4" Libra, who owns a multimillion pound start-up.
And we're having twin daughters.
Until then, I'm busy.
I can't be losing my mind over men.
Honestly, Amara, I think you should run, like, weekend workshops in Cornwall for desperate women.
I've thought this before.
I'd so go.
I've never sexted Neil.
What? I wouldn't even know what to say.
It is all about finding your own voice.
You start with archetypes, and then you build your own style from there.
Oh, send a sext to Neil, please.
All right, all right.
What do I say? "I can't stop thinking about your big hard cock.
" A classic, an absolute classic.
Fine.
Done.
Oh, my God, I'm so excited! Birdy, you're doing this, as well.
Mm, no.
Why not? We're all sending them.
What did he say? "You flatter me.
" That's that, then.
Oh, that's so disappointing.
I was so hoping he'd take the bait.
I would just love for Neil to have a kink, you know? Like, be into being gagged.
I love that for him.
Totally.
But you just know he's someone who thinks wild sex is like a position no-one enjoys, like reverse cowgirl.
Stop.
We always do this.
We turn my boyfriend into a joke, and then I still have to have sex with him.
You never talk about sex with Nathan.
Look, I don't want to be disrespectful to him.
Oh! Oh, mate.
What? Just hadn't realised that you'd lost your virginities to each other in a teen rom-com.
OK, fine, I'll tell you one thing.
Last night, when we were having sex Yeah? .
.
he told me he loved me for the first time.
Birdy! Did you say it back? Yeah.
That is so great, Birdy.
Thanks.
It was really special.
Time Has Told Me by Nick Drake Hey.
So, how did Kyle's first date with the new girl go? - What's her name again? - Bohemia.
Bohemia.
Jesus.
One of these days I'll make a TV show about people called Sharon and Clare.
It went well, lots of chemistry.
Jade may have found out they'd gone on a date.
How? We think Bella might have told her last night.
Oh, fuck.
So, that's off-camera now.
I think we need to get a crew to Jade's flat this afternoon for her reaction.
I'll write it in the running order.
Good call.
Raveena, we need to be in the edit.
We can get lunch there.
Maggie, I'll see you later.
Hi.
You had a tough one today? Yeah.
Year nine? I totally lost control of the class.
Yeah.
Year nines are always the toughest.
Wait until halfway through the year, when they choose their GCSEs.
The ones that are dropping your subject .
.
completely clock out.
Don't say that.
You can handle it.
I know I shouldn't say this, but .
.
I don't want to manage their behaviour.
I don't want to inspire them.
I just want them to pass the exams.
That's what all NQTs say.
But they'll get you in the end, they always do.
Pub? A few of us are clocking off.
Can't.
Too much marking, Simon.
As your boss, I approve.
As a piss-head looking for another piss-head, I disapprove.
How'd you know? Permanent thirsty look in your eyes.
Trouble.
Amara? Hi.
Shoes.
Where've you been? Drinks with the work lot.
Oh, nice.
Do you want a tea? Nah, I'm good.
I'm going to go to bed.
Night.
Night-night.
Night.
Shall I mark one? Uh Go on, then.
Listen to this guitar solo.
And the producer wants to get rid of it.
Did your parents ever worry about calling you Street? No.
Why? It's such a risk.
That kind of name only works if your kid ends up hot.
They're iconoclasts.
They don't care about that sort of stuff.
And I'm not an iconoclast? If you make reality TV and your family home's got a conservatory, then no.
How do you know anything about my family home? Or my work? You barely ask me about my job.
Yeah, because it's not what you really want to do.
I don't know that yet.
I've only been doing it, like, a couple of months.
Which Will by Nick Drake Sorry.
I just assumed you didn't want to build a career from something that is violently tearing apart the fabrics of humanity at its seams.
Cheers.
Well Unless you do.
You evil, horrible goddess.
Is this Nick Drake? - You've been listening to the CD.
- Hmm.
I like him.
You'll have to make me a greatest hits compilation.
No, no, no, no, no.
Greatest hits are for melts.
You need to listen to an album chronologically.
Every song, even the weaker ones.
Albums are like humans.
And those wonky bits are what make it .
.
weirdly perfect and completely beautiful.
Street Maggie.
I love you.
No, you don't.
Shut up.
I'm sorry, Maggie.
But why would you say that? Shut up! Oh, you really are so, so bored, aren't you? Where you going? I need to piss.
Hey.
Nell .
.
I'm having a nervy b.
What's happened? Where are you? I just told Street I love him.
And what did he say? He laughed and told me I don't.
Right.
I'm so upset You're not upset.
You're embarrassed.
I can't believe he didn't say it back.
I'm going to have to leave.
I can't ever see him again.
Maggie, listen.
You don't love him.
I think I do.
No, you thought you loved that creepy club promoter.
You thought you loved the head of the anarchist society at uni, with the mohawk.
What did these men have in common? You.
You're the romance.
You make everything magic, not them.
So, just be chill.
And laugh it off.
OK.
I love you.
Bye.
Nell? Yes? Please don't tell Amara and Birdy about this.
I won't.
I love you.
Stop saying that.
That's new.
Yeah.
When did you get that? Nathan bought it for me.
Oh, why didn't you tell me? Did I have to tell you? You hate it when I buy new clothes and don't show them to you.
You act so betrayed when I come downstairs in a new vest top.
What even is it? It's a charm bracelet.
It's funky.
It's not funky, it's It's really special and personal.
What's that? An owl.
Why an owl? Because I'm called Birdy.
Yeah, but not because you look like an owl.
It's because you look like a little sparrow or a budgie.
Well, he doesn't see me as a budgie.
He sees me as an owl.
Anyway, it's woodland themed.
I think it's nice he buys you so many presents.
It's like you're on a game show.
What will be next month's prize?! Are you not going to answer him? Nah.
What's going on with you two? Nothing.
Don't stop movin' to the funky funky beat Yeah, come on Don't stop movin' to the funky funky beat Don't stop movin' to the S Club beat DJ got the party started There's no end in sight Everybody's ♪ Hi, girls.
Hi, Mummy.
- How are things going at the salon? - Good, thank you.
I have to tell you, my clients are absolutely obsessed with that TV programme of yours.
It's all they talk about.
Oh, thank you.
Hmm.
I bet your mum and dad are proud.
And relieved that, you know you're all sorted.
All right, Mum.
I I just thought that the meaning of temping was that it was meant to be temporary.
- Birdy's got big news, though.
- Have you? - No, I haven't.
- Yes, you do.
Birdy's got a boyfriend.
What? Yeah.
And his name's Nathan.
Nathan? Well, I I cannot wait to meet him.
Smith.
Nathan Smith.
Mum, I Smith? - Nathan Smith? - I was going to say something.
Oh, when? When you send me the invite to your wedding, where you roast a big pig on a lawn, and I have to wear a pastel dress with a matching hat? This is why I didn't tell you, because I knew you'd overreact like this.
Oh! Oh, I'm overreacting.
Well, I cannot wait to tell Grandma .
.
who was smuggled out of Austria as a baby, with every piece of family jewellery in her nappy! Jesus.
Every time you tell this story, there's another item in the nappy! It's like Mary Poppins' handbag.
What else was in there? The challah plate? The Kiddush cup? I don't want to talk about this right now.
Taking you through to the news at 12:00 Thanks.
Thanks, Joan.
All right, see you.
Thanks, Joan! Hi.
Darling girl! Hello.
Aw! Oh, you look exhausted.
Doesn't she look exhausted, Graham? Burning both ends of the candle.
Have you been sleeping enough? She can catch up on her sleep here.
It is so hot in this house.
It's, like, hotter than Thailand.
No, I don't think that's true.
It must be 30 degrees.
Wait.
- Wait till you see this.
- Graham, not again.
What is the temperature in Thailand? It's about 29 degrees in Bangkok, Thailand.
Isn't that amazing? And you can do it for anything.
What is the name of Billy Joel's wife? .
.
To expose a dodgy beauty salon that's got itself into a little bit of hot water.
Or should that be hot wax? Because their customers have the third degree burns to prove it.
This is Dodgy Dealers, and this I put four sugars in to give you energy.
I do feel very weak.
Get that down you.
Then you can have a nice bath and get changed.
Do we HAVE to go? Why are we all paying for Nigel and Nikki to go on holiday? They're not going on a holiday.
They're doing charity work out there.
We're helping them raise money to build a dam.
Fine, fine, I'll go to your white saviour party.
Exactly, yes! We'll have fun.
Do you really have to wear that? You said smart casual.
You were stuffing yourself with ham from the fridge this afternoon.
Well, why is Dad allowed to wear that, then? No, he's not wearing it out.
Where did you even get it? The online gift shop.
I thought it was quite smart.
Take it off.
Everyone's already seen it.
Douglas and Lynn haven't seen it.
Great Britain might not host again in your lifetime, Maggie.
I can't understand why you wouldn't volunteer with all those other young people.
Look, I know you're bored of me saying it, but you're going to miss a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Remember, Graham, don't offer Mike a drink tonight.
Why can't you offer him a drink? Well, he's been having a bit of a tough time.
Six months sober, on one of those programmes.
But, of course, now they're saying that, actually, a glass of red wine a day can halve your chances of cancer.
- Could I have three? - Three? Ten, Graham.
Oh, make that ten.
Oh, yes, that's more like it.
.
.
Gangnam style! That's it.
Here we go! To the right.
And the left.
Gangnam Style by Psy Here we go! Yes, I want to hear you! - Hand in the air! - Come on, sweetheart.
Gangnam style! Gangnam style! Come on! Oh, don't eat those, they're burnt.
So? It's carcinogenic.
You and Dad are obsessed with cancer.
It's like it's your favourite band.
Mike.
Oh! Have you met my brilliant daughter, Maggie? Hello, Maggie.
She's a TV producer for a hugely successful show.
It's really not that successful and I'm barely a TV producer.
I mostly just feel like a woman with a computer.
That's not true.
Well, your mum and dad are very proud of you and your brother and your computer, of course.
Mike, sweetheart, have you bought your tickets for the raffle? Darling.
Darling, this is Cormac.
Cormac, this is my daughter, Maggie.
She's a TV producer.
Really? She could've been anything she wanted to be.
Could've gone to Oxford, didn't want to.
Could've been Prime Minister, didn't want to.
You've got the right idea.
Mike.
You're not leaving, are you? No, no, no, just having a smoke.
Double-parked.
Do you want one? Fuck.
Sorry, I forgot.
So, your parents told you, then? They did.
How are you doing? I feel fine.
Like a debutante.
Divorced man in suburbia like flies around a big hot turd.
Do you mind me drinking this? Please.
I live in the gin belt.
I'm used to it, no problem at all.
Mind you, it would be better if you had any gear.
I swear, it's in here.
I'm sure it's in this handbag.
Leftover from a party.
Are you an angel that was sent to me? Aha! I love you.
What the fuck, Mike?! What? That was my only one.
We were going to split it.
Oh, shit.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I just got excited.
It reminds me of going to all those raves in the fields off the M25.
You were in your 40s in the '90s, Mike.
Grow up! Have you got any Malibu? Acceptable in the 80s by Calvin Harris It's raffle time, ladies and gentlemen.
And we have the ear wax removal session goes to ticket number 521.
That's 521.
Oh, There you are.
We've been looking for you.
We want you to talk to Alan.
He's writing a sitcom about his time as a dentist and we said you'd know someone at your production company.
No offence, Alan, but I don't give a fuck about your sitcom and I would hazard a guess that no else will either.
Maggie.
Would you both stop being so proud of me all the time? I don't know when you're going to realise I'm not that great.
And your endless love for me has left me completely unprepared for the world and the millions of people, who think I'm ugly and stupid and shit.
She's over-tired.
And I'm probably going to need loads of therapy to sort it all out because you two encouraged me to follow my idiotic dreams instead of getting a proper job! For all lovers in the house, it's slow dance time.
Time for a smooch.
Sorry, sweetheart, it's our song.
Fine, I'm going home.
I could feel at the time There was no way of knowing Fallen leaves in the night Who can say where they're blowing? As free as the wind Hopefully, learning Why the sea on the tide ♪ Look, I'm sorry Alan.
But if you want to be a writer, you have to toughen up.
Yeah.
Hi, it's Maggie.
Leave a message.
You're ignoring me .
.
and I don't know why.
But I was just ringing to say .
.
you really do have the best tits I've ever seen.
They're like the kind you see when you go round your mate's house as a teenager and you find photographs of his hot mum sunbathing topless on a Greek island in the '70s.
So Yeah.
That's what you are.
Absolutely timeless.
Call me back.
I don't know exactly what happened with you and Mike last night, and for the sake of the book club we're both in, frankly, I don't want to know.
The guy's lost everything, and now, he has to start at square one with his sobriety.
He asked me for drugs! I don't want to know the details.
You were drunk as well.
I just want you to know .
.
that your actions have repercussions.
Life can't be fun all the time.
You can't do whatever you want because you're bored or because you find it funny or whatever it is.
What is it? Maybe you're right.
Maybe we haven't been hard enough on you.
I didn't say that, I said you over-loved me, which is a totally different thing and is arguably Stop making excuses! Whatever you think of our parenting, we certainly did not bring up a brat.
You are 24.
You have to take some responsibility.
I'm sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.
And I won't do anything like that ever again.
Member of the cruciferous vegetable family.
Eight letters.
Begins with a K.
Kohlrabi.
You clever girl.
He's logged on.
Shut up.
What do I say? Say, "I'm with my friend, Maggie.
Do you have any friends for her?" Where's he from again? Milton Keynes.
He's with his friend, Charlie.
Oh, my God.
What does that mean? Rub your noonie on this piece of paper.
Hello? Hi, Joan, it's Maggie.
I was just wondering Belinda! It's for you.
Thanks.
Hello? Hi.
Oh.
Hi.
How are you? Fine.
I'm sorry I told your mum about Nathan.
She's barely spoken to me all weekend.
Isn't it a relief, in a in a way that it's not a secret any more? No.
Don't pretend like you're trying to do me a favour.
You're right.
I knew exactly what would happen and .
.
I don't know why I did it.
It was your thing to tell in your own time.
How was your weekend? Um .
.
mixed.
I sort of got off with my parents' friend, who's a recovering alcoholic, and I sort of gave him a pinger.
What's up with you at the moment? I feel like you're not really talking to me.
My mum lost her lid at me, gave me a proper telling off.
Good.
Someone has to.
I think I'm jealous.
And I'm finding it hard that you're going ahead and doing something I've never done before because we normally do everything together.
Nothing will change, Maggie.
That's only a thing people say, when everything's changing.
I'm sorry.
I'm going to be more of an adult.
It's OK.
Do you remember when we used to sit on your mum's computer together for hours, having cybersex with random boys? Yeah, unfortunately.
God, we were such randy little freaks.
Can you imagine telling your 14-year-old self that, one day, a boy would tell you he loved you? I still can't get over the fact we lost our virginities.
It's really, really great that you're in love.
It's a hard thing to find .
.
when it's real.
Thank you.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Come in.
The thing is The thing that you have to understand, we're survivors.
And you can't just skip over this huge part of who you are.
You can't just throw it all away.
He's my first boyfriend.
We're only three months in.
I just don't understand why there has to be so much drama just because he's not Jewish.
No, I know.
And I am sorry that I reacted the way that I did.
And I I really do look forward to meeting him.
Thanks, Mum.
But not on a Friday .
.
and not with Grandma.
You know, and as you said, it probably won't last.
I didn't say that.
Hey.
Where's Nathan? Gym? Convention for board shorts enthusiasts? God knows.
Where have you been? You disappeared.
I went to my mum and dad's.
Come here.
I missed you.
I don't think we should see each other any more.
Why? Because I think we've got to the end of whatever this was.
But But I really like you.
You're only saying that because I told you I loved you, and then, ignored you for 48 hours.
And I really can't believe you have to act that mad to make a man obsessed with you.
It's not that.
I love .
.
hanging out with you.
Do you? Cos you never come to my house.
I made a decision in 2008 to never go to Camden again.
And you've never listened to any of the songs I've sent you.
Or read any of the articles.
I don't think you care about my taste in things or my thoughts on things.
You don't know anything about my work or my friends.
I didn't know you were so annoyed with me.
I'm not.
Honestly, I'm not.
I thought I was having fun.
I think I just feel things in real time.
I'm not so in my head about us like you are.
I don't know what I'm trying to say.
I just don't want to stop seeing you.
I think I left some things in your room.
Sometimes, the change in a love story happens, when you can no longer ignore reality.
So, you say goodbye to the person, accepting that they may have been the work of your imagination.
Bye.