Exploding Kittens (2024) s01e03 Episode Script

1
[video game music playing]
[game narrator] Steal Truck Drive Drive!
[woman] Ouch! My hip!
[man] Ow! My butthole!
Oh! My colon!
[game narrator]
Achievement unlocked. Punched a bald dude.
Good morning, Travis.
From your unlocked achievements,
it looks like you knee-capped a pimp
with a sack of doorknobs.
Good for you.
[game narrator] Achievement unlocked.
Disrespected a college education.
So, tell me, how's Travis's day going?
[sighs] Bad.
My family didn't even remember
today's my half-birthday.
Your half-birthday? What's a half
- [banging on door]
- [grunting]
Die, Stillwell.
[gasping]
Sorry. He's from a rival therapy practice.
Please, continue.
See, my actual birthday is on Christmas,
which means I get totally shafted.
So, this year, I asked my mom
if if we could celebrate
my half-birthday instead.
But does she listen? No.
Just went in one ear
and out that same ear.
[game narrator] Achievement unlocked.
Was vulnerable during therapy.
So, anyhow,
I bought one of those body pillows
that pregnant ladies sleep with,
and when I'm alone
Oops. Wi-Fi's breaking up. Gotta go.
Ew. I touched that pillow.
[theme music playing]
[bear growling]
Whoo-hoo!
Holy hell, I was good at my job.
On the sixth day, I not only created
butterflies but also grizzly bears.
That's like reading poetry
while wanking at the same time.
[bear growling continues]
Looking for family fun?
Well, look no further
than Shane & Chugger's.
Hot games, cold beer, tepid cheese,
and technically edible Cajun cuisine.
Yeehaw!
This! See? This is what is so frustrating.
I painstakingly create a planet
where there's a worm
that goes into a sleeping bag,
then comes out with wings
that are stained-glass windows.
Then you idiots fill it with this crap.
Shane & Chugger's? Looks like
they gave hepatitis its own restaurant.
Travis is always asking to go there,
but I can't afford to blow
an entire afternoon
spending time with my son.
Well, makes sense. That place looks like
the inside of his brain.
[panting] Marv, emergency.
Today is Travis's half-birthday,
and he told his therapist
that it's the most important thing
in the world.
Therapist?
Our insurance doesn't cover therapy.
Wh Why do you think I scream
into the toilet every night before bed?
[grunts] Okay, fine, you got me.
I created an avatar
so I can pose as Travis's therapist
in his Drive-Kill game
to know what's going on in his life.
Abbie! Th That's a total invasion
of Travis's privacy.
A teenage boy isn't gonna open up
to his mom.
Anyway, we need
to throw Travis an amazing party
if we want to accomplish
Operation Happy Family.
Do we have to treat every family activity
like a military mission?
I mean, It was bad enough
when you used to scream,
"Operation Reproduction!"
What? So a birthday party on his
actual birthday isn't enough for the kid?
[all singing] Happy birthday ♪
Happy birthday ♪
Wait a minute.
Formerly broken family comes together
to throw pointless party
to make child happy.
This is exactly
what I need to show the board
what a great job I've done
to bring your pathetic family closer.
Dear God, please help me.
[line rings, beeps]
Hey, Cheryl. It's me.
Send the cherubs down
for a performance review.
[female operator]
Welcome to the prayer line.
If a sports team you bet on
isn't covering the point spread,
press "one."
If you just got back
from Cancun and it burns when you
Ugh! Representative.
[beeps]
Main menu.
[beeps]
- Happy half-birthday!
- Happy half-birthday!
You know it's my half-birthday?
Of course. We've been planning your party
for weeks, ya silly goose.
Yeah. Since um, half-Veterans Day.
Can it be like Aidan's birthday party,
where we demolished a giant piñata,
and his stepdad let us shoot
bottle rockets into traffic?
Sure. We know
how important this is to you,
so it's important to us.
Huh, wow. Oh. I'm gonna go call Aidan!
Dude! Dude! Dude! Dude!
My parents are throwing me a rager.
Bring over that list
of new swear words you came up with.
It's gonna be lit, you butt guzzler!
Okay, we have one hour
to set up the kind of mind-blowing rager
that will show our son that we love him.
Abbie, as someone who's been
to many a mind-blowing rager
and a handful of fairly epic Google Meets,
we just can't pull it off.
Marv, I can't do this without you.
We are a team.
Did my SEAL team say,
"We can't pull it off"
when we were ordered
to blow up the Pope? No!
We did it, and we blamed it on a volcano.
Yeah, I don't think you're supposed
to be telling me this stuff, hon.
[soft music playing]
[Godcat humming, grunting]
Perfect.
Happiest family on earth.
[computer chiming]
Godcat? I'm trying to reach Father.
I need his hot glue gun again.
My hair is being unmanageable.
Are you calling me from your room?
You could just come down here.
I prefer to telecommute.
In today's world, there's no logical need
for interpersonal physical interaction.
Well, I sometimes frequent a club
out by the Heaven Airport
that says you're wrong. Marv's busy.
Your folks are throwing Travis
a half-birthday party later today.
- [chuckles]
- What?
- [heavenly tone]
- [gasps]
They're here!
[mystical music playing]
Hey, GC. What's good?
That's how humans say
"how are ya" colloquially.
We brushed up
so we could fit in down here.
What's good, guys?
How are things up at the old bless-mess?
Total crap show without me, I bet? Huh?
Oh, big-time.
We need you back up there pronto, boss.
But you know, got to really prove yourself
to the board first. Right? So lame.
Well, that's exactly
what I called you guys down for.
Once you see
how this family has come together, you
[Godcat grunts]
Is that strawberry sherbet
with a serotonin swirl?
[smacking lips]
Mmm! Mmm! Yum. Sweet ride, guys.
Ha! This isn't just a sweet ride.
- It's the 2024 XRC Unicorn Deluxe.
- [revving]
One horsepower,
platinum hooves, rainbow interior.
This is the only unicorn like this
in all of Heaven.
Borrowed it from the VIP stable.
Mmm, hope there's room
on that unicorn for a third,
'cause I got a feeling after you guys see
the work I've done down here,
I am gonna need a ride back home.
Well, there is a suicide seat
that folds out from the butt cheeks,
and the you-know-what
becomes a cup holder.
Well then, shotgun! [laughs]
Okay, let's head in.
- [farting]
- [sparkle tone]
[Abbie] Come on, the clock is ticking.
We have to make it look like
we put real effort
into throwing Travis this party.
Now, up a little.
My up or, or, or your up?
Same up, Marv!
Are they always screaming
at each other like that?
Um Sure, yes.
That was an idea I came up with.
"Loud is love."
I love you guys too!
Oh, and here's Greta,
lending a hand to throw this party
for the brother she now loves
because of me.
The only thing I love
about Travis is that he's a deep sleeper.
I've been feeding him spiders
and glow sticks at night
to try to create a new superhero.
[Marv screaming, grunting]
These are the party decorations?
Uh Don't you get the theme?
It's a half-birthday party,
so everything is half-assed! Doy.
[chuckles] Oh. Great idea!
I'll put out some stale Pringles
and warm Sprite.
We need more time. Take Travis somewhere.
Also, while you're out,
can you grab some wine?
I need a mixer for my vodka.
And leave the cherubs here to witness
how your trainwreck of a family interacts?
No way.
Take them too.
Show them all the breathtaking creations
you're always bragging about.
Actually, that's a decent idea.
I can show them some
of the majesty I created.
Have them remind the board
what kind of high-end product
the GOAT put out back in the day.
Guess what, Trav?
We got together with Godcat
and came up with a fun activity
for your big half-day.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Oh man, I've been waiting my whole life
to have my own special day.
Huh. Oh man, you guys are wearing diapers?
I can't wait to find out why.
This day's gonna be so sick!
[mysterious music playing]
[Beelzebub] Slagnar, if I may,
I had one idea I wanted to pitch
in this week's board meeting.
Yes, Beelzebub. We're all ears.
Ha. This ought to be idiotic.
Okay, what if instead of torturing souls
with spikes and fire
and all that lame junk,
we make them try to fold a fitted sheet?
And we can get a great price on them.
As you know, we own IKEA, so
Enough! We got it.
We'll put our best guy on it. Dan.
[flies buzzing]
Isn't Dan just a head
on a stick we use to scare people?
For now, sure. But everyone's got to start
somewhere. Okay, bye.
[beeping tone]
Ugh!
I should've done what other demons do
when they're cast out of Hell.
Open a Jimmy John's.
[ominous music playing]
Hah!
Okay. There goes the neighborhood.
Oh, you're kidding me. Another person?!
And one of them has a Hacky Sack.
Everyone knows that Hacky Sacks
are actually marijuana purses!
[line dialing]
Hello. This is Karen, and
Don't say "again" like that.
I have every right
to call whenever I want.
I just thought maybe you should know
there's an unapproved party
happening in our neighborhood.
You'll "look into it"!
[music intensifies]
I will just have to take matters
into my own hands!
[music ends]
Now that lady is evil!
She's like if Genghis Khan worked
at Lululemon. Hey, Karen, wait up!
[birds chirping]
Now come on, tell us,
which one of you posed for this one?
I think it has Aslandeus' playful spirit,
but the wiener
definitely looks like Craig's.
[sighing] Can we go somewhere fun now?
I think I've seen
enough marble testicles for one day.
But look at all this natural wonder.
[heavenly music playing]
Look at this busy little bee,
upholding our entire ecosystem
by the simple act of pollination.
Frankly, sir,
that was a bit of a design flaw.
Well, I couldn't have anticipated
that the stupid humans would figure out
a way to actually kill bees.
I gave them swords for butts.
Doesn't that seem like enough protection?
Okay. Okay. Let's go into the museum.
A museum? [sighing]
A museum is the most boring thing
that can happen to a human being.
Okay, buddy.
Tell Unky Godcat what you wanna do.
I know. How about we go down to the woods
and feed some deer to the bears?
No way.
No. No. No, we are not going there.
[Godcat] So, guys
[chuckling]
Obviously, I made
the most exquisite planet of all time.
Sunsets, cheetahs, tiki bars
You know my hits.
But this place not on me.
The humans are totally to blame for
Oh man, oh man, oh man, I am so pumped!
They have a game where you guide
a healthy adult through a Bass Pro Shop
and see how quickly you can reduce his IQ!
It's called "Living in Arizona."
[chuckling] Travis,
obviously Aslandeus and Craig
aren't interested in
[Aslandeus] Whoo!
It's like a rat casino for children!
Okay, but one hour tops,
and then we're going home.
Aslandeus, no running!
I wasn't sure
what to get for a half-birthday.
All I could find was a box set
of Two and a Half Men
and a dozen cartons of half-and-half.
- [Unicorn neighing]
- [Marv gasping]
That thing came out of nowhere!
[Abbie] Ahh!
Oh no, it's not breathing.
[exhales frantically]
Come on, live, damn you.
[exhaling continues]
[gagging, grunting]
Its mouth tastes like Starburst. [gags]
How is that possibly worse
than horse mouth?
[Abbie grunting]
Meh, figures.
Happens every time I get a car wash.
Agh! This is all Godcat's fault.
If he hadn't summoned those cherubs down
- [door opens]
- [both exclaim]
[dramatic music playing]
Ugh, Mother, for the last time,
please stop bringing home roadkill
for dinner.
This isn't for dinner. Well, it could be.
Depends if I have sour cream
in the fridge. Ugh!
Your father hit it with the car.
Just grab me the jumper cables.
Mother, tell me you're not attempting
to defibrillate a unicorn
with jumper cables.
Well, what the hell would you use
to restart a unicorn heart?
Jolly Ranchers and Christmas lights?
- [doorbell ringing]
- [Abbie groans]
[Greta] I got it.
[Karen] Hmm.
Buckle up, Greta. Hurricane Karen
is headed straight for you.
I've never seen a creature this evil,
and I've been to a taping of Ellen.
Excuse me.
- Young lady, are your parents home?
- Yes.
Well, they're not supposed
to be throwing a party
without written consent
from the Neighborhood Council.
- I agree.
- How dare you call me that.
I Wait, what? You agree?
Yes. I abhor the idea of this "party."
It's a celebration
of my brother's half-birthday.
In my opinion, the only time we should
celebrate Travis
is when he finally stops eating chapstick.
Well uh, regardless,
you can't have this many guests
on one's property, regardless
of plot size, per Section 7C of
the HOA agreement.
I'm as shocked and appalled as you are,
but as a minor, there's nothing I can do.
Why not come in? We'll work together
to present evidence to the HOA.
I Well You
But I would like to speak to your
Okay. Sure.
[Karen sighing]
Damn! How'd you do that?
It's simple.
Karen requires conflict to survive,
and I've deprived her of it.
Soon, she will shrivel and die.
[chuckling] Easy.
You do know she's making
those Hacky Sack kids pee in a cup, right?
Oh, for chrissakes.
[game machines pinging]
[groaning]
I don't believe this.
Is this the culmination of human creation?
Is this what they've done
with the free will
I so kindly bestowed upon them?
[grunting] Come here!
You're not my father!
[gulping]
[belches]
[grunting, chuckling]
See ya.
[grunts] Goodbye.
I should put the whole planet up
on Zillow. See if I get any bites.
- Well, hello there, mon ami!
- [yowls]
At Shane & Chugger's,
everything is ça c'est bon!
What sort of Hell-demon
manifested this freak of nature?
Certainly wasn't me.
Unless it was that third day.
One too many whippets on Day Three.
Why doncha come on
down to the bayou some time?
[distorted] Yeehaw.
I'm not going anywhere with you,
swamp rat.
Do you know what my day has been like?
Repeatedly facing the reality
that the magnificence I forged
means nothing,
and all humans appreciate is flat beer,
blinking lights, and chemical cheese?
Laissez les bontemps roulez!
How dare you tell me what to do.
And in French,
a language I made up as a silly joke.
- [thuds]
- [machine ringing]
[gasping, grunting]
[mouse squeaking]
[grunting]
Holy Chugger's, that felt good.
- [Godcat laughing]
- [mouse squeaking]
[laughing]
Interesting shirt choice.
Did you know that Bob Marley used pot?
Yeah. Wanna guess how he ended up?
[in demonic voice] Dead!
[in normal voice]
Not from pot. From cancer.
We actually read his biography
in my book club.
- [Abbie] Clear!
- [defibrillating]
Hmm.
Karen, I've been looking for you.
So far, I've counted
a half-dozen HOA violations in this house.
Expired coupons, a chandelier
with mismatched bulbs, dust bunnies.
[sniffing] And what's that odor?
It smells like
the Lip Smacker factory burned down.
- Uh
- [yelps]
It's probably coming from the pantry.
We used to have a chemical toilet in there
to save on the water bill.
Come on. Probably a ton of violations.
Hmm.
[flies buzzing]
We could try my wishing idea.
I I saw this movie called
The Last Unicorn.
We are not taking advice
from a kids' movie.
I mean, the plot is very advanced.
A kid would have a pathetic grasp
on the political tensions
of the Mushroom Planet.
- [vehicle doors open, close]
- Dammit, they're back!
We promised Travis
the best half-birthday ever.
Instead, we've got CSI: Narnia.
[sighing]
Great party. No piñata.
There's barely any people here.
And one of them is the kid
who accidentally called
our math teacher "Mom."
Oh, piñata shmiñata. Look at this turnout!
Six, maybe seven people.
On Earth, that's a lot of people. [gasps]
[laughing] Something's awry.
Mm-hmm. In that garage.
I'll call the HOA to get over here.
Let's meet in the driveway at 1700 hours.
This is it, Greta. We got 'em!
[flies buzzing]
What do you mean you had an accident?
"We had an accident."
"I can't keep my widdul wife togethaw
for two widdul houwaws."
"My bwain has no winkles."
[laughing] Oh man!
That is a spot-on Abbie.
Uh, okay, now do me.
Ow.
[grunting]
Okay, update.
Karen's calling the authorities,
and they'll be here any minute.
Dammit! Do you have any idea
how screwed I am if the cherubs realize
that the family I was assigned to help
not only ruined their child's party
by killing their borrowed unicorn,
but also,
they killed their borrowed unicorn!
Hmm.
Wait. I have an idea.
[suspenseful music playing]
- [heavenly tone]
- [hooves galloping]
[horse neighing]
Criminy! What does this thing eat?
Deep-fried kettlebells?
Just a bit further.
[skateboard wheels squeaking]
Hey, where's the XRC going?
[music warps]
We're in position. Go! Go! Go!
You know, you really shouldn't let
your pony eat that grass over there.
Our neighbor Karen douses it
in all kinds of chemicals.
Come on. It's just a bit of grass.
What's the worst that could happen?
[dramatic music playing]
[music intensifies]
[mystical tone]
["Sandstorm" by Darude playing]
[woman screaming]
Whoa.
That's the greatest piñata I've ever seen!
[music continues]
- No!
- No!
Stay with me. Stay with me.
Be alive again! Be alive again.
Wait, what?
No!
That unlicensed party pony trespassed
on my property!
Karen, we welcome you with open arms,
and in return you poison
slash blow up an innocent pony? Shame!
I need to speak to a supervisor.
Karen, I'm going to need you
to hand in your badge and gun,
and by "badge and gun"
I mean citation pad and loud whistle.
My whistle is how I yell at joggers.
How am I going to
[crying]
Okay.
[crying]
This isn't over, Greta.
Did Karen give up
when she got kicked out of Walmart
for assaulting a greeter?
Or when Burger King got
a restraining order to keep her away
from their managers? No way!
She'll be back.
Uh, hey, Karen, wait up.
Why don't we go down to Home Depot
and harass the day laborers?
Genius, Greta. H How'd you do it?
Well, after analyzing the sugar content
of the unicorn's lower intestine
and noticing it had a similar make-up
to that of popular mint candy Mentos,
I timed the release of a flood
of a carbonated, aspartame mixture,
or "Diet Coke," into its system
at exactly the right moment. Then, kaboom.
Hey, just like what happens in my belly.
That's how I got banned from AMC Theaters.
Then all that was left
to do was push the blame onto Karen.
The look on her face,
the shame, the defeat.
- Hey, maybe I do like parties.
- [cheerful tone plays]
It's totaled!
But again, to get back
to the whole reason you're down here,
I did bring the family together.
Oh, shut up! We have bigger problems
than your stupid Earth project.
Let's go, Craig. Yo, turn these in for me.
And get good value. Don't be coming back
with any of those troll-doll keychains.
I'm talking black light frisbee or higher.
[Godcat grunting]
Well, I will say there are a lot
of things humans really frigged up.
Murder, taxes, John Krasinski starring
in action movies.
[grunts] I didn't do any of that.
But they did get one thing right. [grunts]
This game.
[slurping]
And orange soda. Fine, two things.
[grunting]
[sighing] I don't know.
I guess maybe it's not all their fault.
I have been on cruise control
for a few centuries.
Maybe I can help them
if I put in a little more effort.
[machine ringing and chiming]
Hey, I'd be jambalyin' if I said
I wasn't having a good time with you.
[laughing]
You know what, Chorgle?
I'd be jambalyin' too. One more game.
[mouse squeaking]
- [Godcat chuckling]
- [rat laughing]
[all] Aw.
- [chuckling] Hey, bud. What's that for?
- Thanks for today. It was pretty awesome.
Aidan says he's going to be pulling
unicorn guts out of his hair for weeks.
[laughs] Oh. Best piñata ever.
I kinda felt
like no one ever listens to me,
but Godcat took me to Shane & Chugger's,
you guys threw me that awesome party
Of course we're listening, sweetie.
We love you.
See? It's not "in one ear,
out the same ear," now is it?
[Travis] Just went in one ear,
and out that same ear.
out that same ear.
out that same ear.
out that same ear.
out that same ear.
[dramatic music playing]
[music intensifies]
[yelling]
[ominous music playing]
[music intensifies]
[screaming]
Betrayed!
[closing theme music playing]
[music ends]