Extraordinary (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Maybe we should help him.
Wait, wait. He'll get
it. Thumbs are tricky.
He doesn't know how to use a can opener?
You're never gonna
integrate back into society
if you can't do basic shit.
It's simple, okay? You clamp it on,
and you
Shit!
It's broken.
- Excuse me?
- Oh, God, no!
Do you work here? I have a complaint.
What seems to be the problem?
I rented this costume
for my husband's birthday,
and now I can't get the bloody mask off.
Uh, sorry, did you say
your husband's birthday?
Yes.
Okay.
So, your husband likes strong women?
I think it's some sort of vacuum effect.
Have you tried greasing it up?
You could use butter. Or lube.
Excuse me, but why would
I have lube in my house?
Oh, come on.
You've got lube.
I want this mask off now.
And it goes without saying,
I expect a full refund.
Oh, I'm afraid we can only offer refunds
if the costume's been used
for its intended purpose.
What are you implying?
You can't imply a customer
is pegging their husband
as Margaret Thatcher.
She is!
Of course she is, but
you can't say that.
Sometimes I wonder if you're
cut out for customer service.
You're absolutely right.
No, I think the best
thing to do is to let me go
with a generous redundancy package.
You are a manager. Great liar.
You hate people just the right amount.
I've never seen you miss a fag break.
You could flourish here.
Take my place when I die.
That's a lovely thing to say,
Ange. But this is just temporary.
Tim said that too when he started.
He's been here seven
years. He still loves it.
Absolutely not.
Are you fucking mad? I'm not signing it.
Listen, this is a
very good deal for you.
Your music in the lift of
every cruise ship in the fleet.
They might even want your early
stuff for the hold lines on the phone.
I sold out the Bradford
Ballroom five nights in a row.
I've fucked 75% of the Rolling Stones.
A cruise ship? I think not.
It's time for a comeback.
Valerie, you know we
love you at the label.
But only one person with your condition
has made a comeback, and that's Jesus.
I can still sing. I'm still relevant.
Fuck it. I'll even do a duet.
What's Whitney Houston up to these days?
Get out. I'm literally about
to start auditioning people.
- Can I watch?
- Why?
I just wanna learn how to human again.
Fine. But don't do anything weird.
Or say anything. Or touch anyone.
It's very important to me.
And not just to me, okay?
I'm doing this for the
city. For the vulnerable.
Jen says you're doing it
because you're a feckless loser
who sponges off his girlfriends.
And, uh, this nostalgic
imitation of virility
gives you the illusion of control
over your emasculated,
directionless existence.
Although. I don't know
what most of that means,
is that right?
All right?
She took the news very well.
Yeah, that was very impressive
in there. Crystal clear.
How do you feel about some moonlighting?
We have another life-challenged
artist on our books
that I think you'd work well with.
Is it an estates dispute?
Because I'm quite junior.
I'm sure there's
nothing you can't handle.
You're very impressive, Carrie.
Yes. Yes.
I can handle it. I'll do it.
Great. Saturday at 2.00.
I'll send you the addy.
Yeah, great.
Uh, name?
Sebastian. Seb Seb.
Seb. And your power?
I can summon sea creatures.
Can you command them?
Um, no.
I have a rich father.
- Your name?
- Uh, Ade.
Megan.
Uh, what-what can you do?
Uh, I can, uh, phase
through solid objects.
I can turn anything into a PDF.
- So, what? Like a fridge?
- Anything.
- A person?
- Anything.
I'm basically a magnet.
It's not active all the time,
but when it happens, you'll know.
It happened.
Nice.
We'll be in touch.
Oh. I'm stuck.
Don't mind me, though.
I'll be I'll get there.
Mmm. Still stuck.
Uh
- Do you have more people coming?
- We do, yeah.
Excuse me. What are you doing?
I have a 3D printing arse.
I can do whatever you want
as long as it's aerodynamic.
Can you do a spoon?
So sorry. Sorry to interrupt.
- Sorry.
- Come on. You can do it.
- Come on. Oh, my God, yes!
- You can do it.
- Dig deep.
- Oh, my God.
- Come on, dig deep.
- Wow.
Keep going with it.
- Squeeze!
- Yeah!
Come on!
- Come on!
- Wow.
No.
Can I join?
How did you get into the flat?
Super speed. Like you have to ask.
All right, how fast are we ta
Been to the Tate Modern and back.
Their Dada retrospective
is underwhelming.
Cheers.
Peace.
Thanks so much for coming in.
Oh, no problem.
Sometimes I feel a bit like a
photocopier they wheeled out.
So it's nice to get asked
to do actual legal stuff.
'Cause I can do that, but
they never really ask me to.
- Oh, is this a recording studio?
- Smart as a button.
We have an artist who died before
he could finish his last album.
Tragic, really. His fans
are still super passionate.
And we already paid
him the advance. Uh-oh!
So, if he could sing through you,
then we could finish the tracks
and bada-bing-bada platinum sales
in 30, 40 territories worldwide.
Is that cool?
Uh.
Three, two, one.
- They want you to channel who now?
- Colt Callaghan.
He was some big country music
singer in the '80s, apparently.
I thought you were there
for some legal bullshit?
Me too, but they just
want me for my power.
Why doesn't anybody care
what Carrie has to offer?
Probably because Carrie
talks about herself
in the third person a bit too much.
Can you come down? For moral support?
I'm at work. I can't just bail.
I'm saving up for the
clinic. I need the money.
You can have a cut. They're paying me.
How much are they paying you?
I don't know. It's a bit
rude to ask, isn't it?
Please come. I really
need a friend right now.
No, you don't need a friend.
You need someone who can get you
a decent deal. A real hard-ass.
You need
Jen Regan, Jen Regan Talent Management.
This is handwritten.
We're a-a boutique agency
with a personal touch.
Now, this national treasure
is not opening her money
hole until we talk shop.
Here is her rider.
"Sushi platter. Room
temperature ice water."
We can deal with this later.
What I need to do right
now, yeah, is talk to Colt.
He's gonna be pretty confused.
Uh, money first.
- We can offer you 250.
- Oh, please.
Ms Jackson doesn't put on
a bra on a Saturday for 250.
- Five hundred. Final offer.
- 300.
I think my client would
be content with £300.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
£300,000.
May I just have a moment
alone with my client?
Did he say £300,000?
I could buy a flat.
I could go on holiday.
I could buy the Tenderstem broccoli.
Tenderstem, Jen. It
is so much more tender.
You could pay for the clinic.
That amount would be acceptable, yes.
When are our friends coming?
They're not our friends.
They're my vigilante group.
What are you hiding?
You said that you needed snacks, so
So, where should I sit?
Uh, actually, um, I-I need you to
do something very important for me.
Okay.
Okay, um, I need you to
get these for me.
Okay, okay. Yeah, I can do that.
I can do that. I'll get you your
"tampons."
Great.
- Where Where would I get a tampon?
- Chemist.
Chemist. Yeah.
Um, Jen says it's too soon
for me to be out in the world.
Well, Jen's not here. Okay?
- Okay, I won't let you down.
- Yeah.
The miniature horse is unavailable.
Unacceptable.
Either you get us a big horse
that we can look at through the
wrong end of a telescope, or we walk.
Yeah, totally. I'll sort
all that after she gets Colt.
Heads up, by the way, Colt
could be a little difficult.
What kind of difficult?
Where am I? Did I black out?
How old are you? Ah,
wait. I don't wanna know.
You told me you were 18, and
that's the line we're gonna go with.
Colt, mate, don't
panic, but you're dead.
My fucking wife.
She finally did it. She
always said she would.
Gotta respect that.
No one killed you, mate. We brought
you back to finish your album.
Sugar tits, you look a
bit like Margaret Thatcher.
I like that.
Thank you. Your tits
look pretty good too.
Wha
Holy shit!
Maybe being in a woman's body
will give you a bit more respect.
Nice! I can work with these.
Now, what are these, a C cup?
You've been gone a while. Is there
anything you wanna get caught up on?
There's only three
things I need to know.
Is beer still cold? Are guns still
cool? And is Jesus still white?
- Oh, yeah. Come on, now.
- 'Kay, stop that. Don't be touching them.
Get off them. Get off.
- All right!
- Dirty bastard.
Congratulations, men.
You've all been selected
because you demonstrated to me
that you are hero material.
You've passed the first test.
Will there be more tests? I'm
dyslexic, and I need more time.
It's more a series of trials than tests.
It's, like, informal trials
of the spirit and body.
It's more of a metaphor.
Really, I probably shouldn't
have used the word "test."
Uh, any Words aside Um.
We're all here for one noble
purpose: fighting crime.
What does that mean, specifically?
Uh, like, going after
crime. Stopping it and stuff.
- There's lots of different types of crime.
- I know. I don't think we need
I suggest targeting child sex offenders.
Go after the real bad guys.
Anyone else got a suggestion?
- Fly-tippers? No! Murderers!
- Yes.
What about the elderly?
- Yeah, fuck 'em.
- No. No.
I mean, like, people who scam
the elderly. Like telemarketers.
Or the drug dealers,
uh, people who put
their bag next to them
on the empty seat in the train,
rapists?
I swear I had another
marker here somewhere. Sorry.
I can get you one. Give me two minutes.
What colour?
Tampons?
Okay, so we're down to
nonces versus children.
Uh, surely that's a tautology?
Uh, wouldn't we be protecting
the children from the nonces?
They cancel each other out.
It should be children versus women.
If we help women, like,
protecting them walking
home at night or something,
I think they'd be really grateful.
Not that we'd ask them
for anything in return.
But if they did want to thank
us, just a perk of the job.
Yeah, we're talking about
them fucking us, right?
- No.
- What? No!
No one sleeps with anyone they save.
I'm drawing this ethical
line in the sand now.
What if someone wants to give us money?
Well, that's just tipping. That's fine.
I'd like to put myself forward
as task force leader for this one.
I know women. I respect
women. I love women.
- Well, I love women more than you do.
- I have four sisters.
I have a mum.
- I've got two mums.
- I've got a girlfriend. Do you?
- I don't currently have
- Ha! Three-two.
But that also means
that I don't view women
solely as sexual objects.
Neither do I. I barely
fuck my girlfriend.
I read Jane Austen novels for fun.
I know where the clitoris is.
Prove it.
Have some water, pet.
It's just a lot.
You buying the tampons
for your girlfriend?
No, he's a boyfriend.
Oh. You kids and your genders. Love it.
I've been away for a while.
There's too much everything.
I'm sorry. I'm useless.
Oh, chicken, no. We all
learn at our own pace.
I can help you get what you need.
What's their period like?
Heavy? A lot of clotting?
Do they like an applicator or non?
What's a period?
Oh, Lord. Okay.
I can see we're gonna have
to start from the beginning.
Come on, chica. Is
this strictly necessary?
When you stop trying to unhook your bra,
then the shame mitts can come off.
- Honey pie! Sorry. Sorry.
- Stop that!
Darlin', can you turn these for me?
I ain't looked at
these songs in 30 years.
Need a refresher on the old lyrics.
Jen, have you read these lyrics?
I'm not a prude, but they're not exactly
very respectful to women or Canadians.
I'm sure they're not
that ba Okay. Oh, no.
I don't think I can do this.
What? Of course you
can. No, you can do this.
Do this, please.
I don't think I feel
comfortable saying this stuff.
But it's not really you
saying it, though. Is it?
It's coming out of my mouth. My mouth
is making the shape of the words.
I don't wanna have a sexist mouth.
What if I ever meet
Malala? I'll be mortified.
Look, Carrie, babe.
Look, you know I would never ask you
to do something you're
uncomfortable with.
Unless someone's going to pay
us £300,000 to do it, okay?
So, maybe just do it?
Oh, if I could just make some
adjustments to the source material.
He barely remembers what he wrote.
He'll sing whatever
you put in front of him.
Yes. Okay, compromise. It's
the beauty of negotiation.
Oh, where are you going?
I made them get me a handsome
Latin masseur, Carrie.
I'm not passing that up.
You've got this, okay?
Don't worry about it.
Honestly, this is too easy.
Well, do it then. Or do you not know?
How can you lead a group saving women
when you don't know where the "clid" is?
The what?
The "clid."
- Do you mean the clit?
- That's what I said.
No, you said "clid" with a "D."
- He's stalling. I think we should
- I can do it.
Kash! I did it. I got, uh, your
- What's going on?
- We're locating the clitoris.
Oh, it's right there at the
top underneath the clitoral hood
at the crest of the labia minora.
Ora. Exactly.
Guys, come on. It's basic knowledge.
- That doesn't mean you win.
- Kash, I have your tampons.
See? I buy my girlfriend tampons.
Maybe you would too, if you had one.
Thank you.
You know, I like my women
the way I like my guns.
With a silencer.
This here is a tribute
to the perfect woman.
I met her at a downtown bar ♪
She was waiting on drunks ♪
Lord, she had a mouth that was
only good for measured debate ♪
And an ass that screamed
"Respect me as an intellectual equal" ♪
This doesn't sound right.
- We may have made some minor changes.
- Perfect woman ♪
- Creative differences.
- You can't just do that.
Now we're in the
back of my big red truck ♪
Country music's playing
and we're about to ♪
Have consensual sex ♪
You can barely notice it.
We rocked all night
and she said she loved me ♪
But when the morning came ♪
I did what real men do
and I licked her out ♪
Whoa! Hey! Man, I know that's not right.
What the hell, man? What the hell?
"I licked her out"?
I think there's a market for it.
Maggie, you know I got
a soft spot for you,
but I sure as hell would never,
ever lick you out, Maggie.
Do you hear me? That shit is nasty.
Who changed things? This is my
song. Who changed these lyrics?
£300,000.
Okay.
You don't have to eat them all.
I'll never get to live the
high life again, Carrie.
I'm not even good at
pretending to be successful.
You were. For, like, an hour.
Maybe I should've just
sung the song as it was.
I should say I'm proud of you for
standing up for what you believe in.
- Oh, you're really not going to, are you?
- No.
It was so much money,
Carrie. Oh, my God.
Maybe channelling other
people is all I'm good for.
Hey, shut the fuck
up, you gorgeous idiot.
Your lyrics were good. Your lyrics.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
And it's just money
at the end of the day.
It's only £300,000
Please don't say the amount. It
causes me physical pain when I hear it.
Come on!
It was his idea.
- I love it.
- It was my idea.
- What did you do today?
- I know where the clitoris is.
Okay, I am not unpacking that.
How do you play this thing?
- Okay, so everyone starts with five tamps.
- Mm-hmm.
And you have to get
from the Sanitary Valley
to the Wings of Heaven.
Mm-hmm. Don't get stuck in
Absorbency Marshes though.
- That loses you ten points.
- Okay.
And you'll start over here
- I think I left my umbrella here.
- Magnet girl.
I have a name.
- Have you got any piercings?
- No.
Well, you're hardly
microchipped, are you?