Fairview (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

1 It's here! I got another "live, laugh, love" sign.
Didn't you just order that yesterday? Omni delivers crazy fast ever since they trained their drivers to pee in a tennis ball can at 70 miles per hour.
They actually treat their employees really well, according to their billion dollar P.
R.
campaign.
Oh, there's a note here.
"Help me.
I hate my job.
I want to die, but Omni won't give me the time off to do it.
" I don't want to do a murder, but am I shutting down this guy's truth if I don't support his identity as a corpse? I'm hearing this so much, and not just at Omni.
Everyone hates their jobs.
Low wages, long hours, no benefits, CEO frequently uses them as a helipad.
I asked the manager at the hardware store if a nail gun was for sale, and he said, "No, I hold that to employees' heads when they try to go to their dialysis appointments.
" I saw a construction worker ask if she can take home some wall insulation to sew her daughter a prom dress.
I remember my first job in Fairview at the department store.
It was a nightmare.
On payday, they said there was a technical issue in their "giving a fuck" department.
Then they'd strap my paycheck to a rabid, gray-haired possum and say, "It's yours if you can catch it.
" We can't ignore these cries for help.
Help! Help! - Glen, what is it? - No one's paying attention to my new car! Come down here or I'm gonna die! That's right.
Look at this thing! It's mine.
- It goes fast.
- Glen, there's no way your bar gets enough business to buy this.
The health department made you pay reparations to the town.
People of Fairview, I now own 2% of this yellow Camaro, thanks to a website called OnlyFans.
OnlyFans.
What's OnlyFans? Yeah.
I don't know what that is, too.
OnlyFans is a magical miracle, a cosmic curiosity, a galactic marvel of wonder and innovation where you get paid for jerking it online.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
Everyone says my husband has a nice dong, but we can't afford the fancy equipment to broadcast it on OnlyFans.
Well, you just need a computer, a camera, and soft cheeses to eat off your nipples upon request.
- Ahh! - Ahh! So, Mayor Kelly, ready to turn Fairview into the OnlyFans capital of the world? That was a wonderful presentation, but the solution to our problems is not mass-broadcasting our assholes.
I think you're wrong, and I bet that in a few short days, you'll be begging this town - to broadcast their assholes.
- What? - Are you watching? - Yes, I'm watching, Beef.
You're going into the temple.
What about now? Are you watching?! - Yes, Beef.
- Don't look at me! Look at the screen! Hey, Dad, how come you don't show your hog for money like Glen does? - Did you not go to college? - Because I'd rather be a family man than a rich man, even if it means that every year, our lousy car quits in a snowstorm, bringing us within an inch of succumbing to hypothermia.
It's just, I always thought you'd be a little more successful.
I don't know how much longer I can convince my friends that you're a drifter my mom boinks when her self-esteem's low.
We received a disturbing note from one of your employees, so I just want to make sure your fulfillment center doesn't cause a run on rifles that are easy to fire with your toes.
Our employees love working here right alongside their robotic counterparts.
Here's one of our valued team members now.
Oh, my God.
I was also thrilled to see this new technology whereby the robots' batteries recharge by posterior contact energy conversion.
And get this It's 100% clean energy.
Well, that's good.
Whoa! What is that? Oh, I see you've spotted another value team member who's doubled her efficiency by recharging robots from both sides.
- Again, we're talking 100% - How long do they have to do this for? Until the robots "cream," which is an abbreviation for "charge reaches electric absolute maximum.
" Looks like one just orgasmed.
Sorry, I mean whatever I said before.
Isn't this essentially low-paying sex work? Of course not.
The employees' clothes are on.
We like it.
The robots like it.
The employees have to do it.
Everyone's happy.
Brother Glen has plowed a new path for Fairview to provide for our neighbors in need right now.
And that's why this winter, Fairview New Life Church is handing out laptops.
We're going to lift our flock out of poverty by giving them the means to create an OnlyFans account and pump every last cent out of the gifts that the Good Lord gave them.
But, Pastor, OnlyFans exploits bodies.
They're ripping off the NFL.
We want ethical businesses in Fairview gas stations, pill mills, the blood diamond dispensary.
I'll tell you what's not ethical letting your neighbors starve because of your Byzantine views on commodifying your feet.
Plus, I chatted up Jesus this morning.
He said it was fine.
Please open your hearts and Wi-Fi networks so everyone has access.
Remember, when you see only two footprints, that's Jesus standing beside you holding the ring light while you're flat on your back going absolutely to town.
What happened to just opening a soup kitchen? We tried to make soup, but every time, it came out as hamburgers.
Besides, soup only feeds someone for a day.
OnlyFans feeds them for a lifetime.
Beef said it again.
He said he thought I'd be more successful.
Be honest.
Am I a loser? Todd, no, but you could be so much more.
I know what you're going to say.
Do you really think I could be someone on OnlyFans? You have a legendary dong.
I see the way people look at it in church.
They devoted two pages to "Coach's rod" in last year's high school yearbook.
I feel like I live with George Clooney, and for some dumb reason, he refuses to go to Hollywood.
I have noticed that when I take my pants off for the doctor, he calls in all the nurses.
I know it's a lot of work, but being a family man also means having your son's respect.
- You can do this.
- Alright, I'll do it.
Beef, did you hear the news? Your father's joining OnlyFans! Wait, what? Oh, my gosh! Wow, it's every son's dream! Did you see Omni pays their employees by putting money on a dresser? Gross.
And I'm starting to suspect that whole clean energy thing was bullshit.
I'm sick of these big corporations kicking around the people of Fairview.
We got to stand up for ourselves.
And maybe standing up for ourselves means pleasuring ourselves on OnlyFans.
We've fallen on hard times, we've run out of luck So I'm filling my holes trying to make a buck I couldn't have planned it, but the people demand it They're paying to watch me splooge My daddy worked the factory, his daddy worked the mine I've got Internet connection, and it's anal bead time I'm a working man Jerking it on OnlyFans Let's hear it for the working man Jerking it on Only Fans Tonight, Fairview takes its life back.
But breaking free from those corporate shackles and joining OnlyFans is scary, right? So here to show you the way is a trailblazer in the field of orifice exposure.
Please welcome Glen Michaels! Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh.
What is a penis? Don't be scared.
There's no wrong answers.
What's a penis? A thing you go to the bathroom with when your boss says it's okay? Wrong answer! This is hopeless! Patience, Glen.
They're still learning.
Sorry.
Okay.
A penis is a breeze on a warm summer day.
A coffee on a Sunday afternoon.
A cozy sweater on a warm summer day.
- Ah.
- Ah, interesting.
Now, what's a vagina? Is it a cozy sweater on a warm summer day? Come on up.
Give him a little applause, huh? Yeah, isn't he great? Okay.
Don't move.
No! A vagina is a cool breeze on a spring afternoon, you brainwashed sheep! Hey, everyone, let's just take five.
Glen, can I talk to you outside? That's where the stars are.
Whee! Practice rubbing your nipples until we come back! Oh, my God! Is that George Clooney? They're going to love you on OnlyFans.
- You have directions? - I printed the route last night.
Remember, the first day's always tough.
You show up, don't know where to park your beanbag, have to wait for the I.
T.
guy to authorize you to accept Albanian currency.
Hey, relax, they're gonna love you.
- How do you know? - I know because I love you.
I'll text on my way home.
Oh, yeah! Get some! Yeah, yeah! Oh, my God.
George Clooney's slapping his shaft for strangers, and I'm married to him.
This is going to be harder than I thought.
That one guy didn't even know a penis was a sweater.
Can you blame them? People are so oppressed by their jobs, their genitals are whatever their bosses say they are.
We got to break them out of it.
I bet we could order something from Omni that could do that.
No, we're not ordering from Omni.
We're going to help these people unlock their wage prisons using their junk as the master key.
Whoa.
Everyone have their rabies shot? Doctor said I didn't need it since I'd act the same way with or without rabies.
Hey, how was the first day? Let me guess you're already the OnlyFans goofball.
I just thought I'd gain some subscribers beyond my friends and family.
You're probably putting too much pressure on yourself.
You can't go to work every day worrying about Beef.
But that's why I'm doing this.
It's all I can think about.
Okay, wow.
I love you so much, but I think that's the problem.
What? I should think about Beef more? No, you big doof.
Don't think about your son while you masturbate.
Don't think about my son while I masturbate.
Huh.
I like that.
Honey, you're a genius.
Stop it.
Just go already.
I knew marrying my dead fiancé's brother was the right call.
Alright, everyone, we're back.
So, how'd it go with the nipple rubbing? - It went great.
- I think we found the class suck-up.
I'm desperate for approval.
We needed that laugh, huh? Lot of pressure when you're starting a new career, so let's take a step back.
- To OnlyFans your life back - He said the thing on the banner.
you need to first realize you are in charge of you.
- Kelly, jump in here.
- My old boss used to strap my paycheck to a rabid, gray-haired possum and say, "It's yours if you can catch it.
" I'm proud to say that, tonight, I claimed my life back.
- Whoo! Go, Kelly! - Yeah, yeah, go, Kelly! Did you kill a random possum, or is that the same possum that ran around with your paycheck? Same one.
It's got the signature gray hair.
I don't know much in this life, but I do know all possums have gray hair.
Was the possum who ran around with your paycheck a boy or a girl? - Boy.
- Is that one a boy? I'm not I'm not looking at its you-know-what.
How can we expect everyone in the world to look at our genitals if you won't look at a possum's? - Yeah! - It's a boy.
And I can grab definitely the same possum, then you can grab control of your life! I can't believe they bought that it's the same possum.
- Whatcha whispering over there? - Seminar's over.
You're trespassing.
Go join OnlyFans.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Steak? What's the occasion? Daddy's doing very well for himself.
- Very well.
- Hey, look, we're not rich.
Honey, your dong's turning heads, and the kids should know.
But I don't want them to forget where they came from.
I can't win with him.
Ever since he became wealthy, - he's impossible.
- Did you say we're wealthy? - No, we are not wealthy.
- Your dad's had a very good - 24 hours.
- Hey, I never do this, - but are you - Todd Osterdorff.
- Nice to meet you.
- Wow, the man with the golden dong.
You two should be very proud of your dad.
He works very hard.
- Oh, my God.
- Thank you, sir.
Hey, what time should me and the Todd Squad - log on tonight? - I was actually thinking of taking the night off to be with my family.
Hey, you got to have a work-life balance.
I'll just subscribe to someone else, but enjoy your dinner with your family.
Oh, oh, I can totally log on at, say, 11:00 p.
m.
I was going to pleasure myself anyway.
- Might as well broadcast it to the world.
- You're going places.
Honey, that's the guy I was telling your parents about! Hey, Dad, I have to do a classroom presentation about my hero.
Is it okay if I say it's you? I told you the other employees are using what's left of their wrist cartilage to masturbate on OnlyFans.
- Are you close? - Not really.
Maybe try turning over.
- Want me to tickle your buttons? - You know what? Let's just call it a night.
I have work early tomorrow anyway.
- Are you sure it's not me? - Don't do this.
I'll be honest.
After the first few minutes of that seminar, I thought, "Houston, we have a problem.
" Connie here didn't know her labia from her vulva.
My parents made me scared to feel good.
To being able to afford my luxurious tumor removal surgery! To taking our lives back.
- Cheers! - Cheers! Whoo! - Hello, fellow bar-goers.
- So if it isn't the Omni manager who put a shot clock in the bathroom.
What's wrong worker shortage? - Yeah! - Eat it, Moonman.
Omni is doing just fine, but I am surprised you all have time to kick back with libations considering your responsibilities.
These people can do what they want.
- They're their own bosses.
- Yeah! When you work for a place like Omni, you clock in, spend 10 hours doing the math on whether God exists, then clock out.
But when you're self-employed, you alone determine your destiny.
And at this very moment, people are claiming the finite spoils of OnlyFans, potentially leaving you and your junk on the streets.
And Omni won't be there to pick you back up.
Oh, you're having trouble making the robots cream? They just started a new antidepressant.
Glen, tell us he's wrong.
I bought a house on the drive over.
Calm down.
Moonman is just upset that we OnlyFans'd our lives back, and I'm sure we'll make wonderful livings and It's every orifice for himself! Ha! You're damaged goods.
No one's wanking it to that! My hero is Hillary Clinton because she would be president if everyone wasn't so stupid.
- Ugh.
- That sucks.
- Whatever.
- Gross.
- Where's Dad? - He said he'd be here.
Next up, Beef Osterdorff.
For my personal hero, I picked my dad.
- Aww.
- Aww.
My dad is cool because he is very successful on OnlyFans.
One time at Cornpepper's Oh, sorry, so sorry.
Oh, excuse me there.
Got stuck at work.
Oh, hey, honey.
- Put your Goddamn dick away.
- Beef, you were saying? Um, this guy came up to my dad at Cornpepper's, and he was like He was like, "Your dad is the coolest.
" Mr.
Osterdorff, do you need to take that? I'm so sorry.
It's a work emergency.
- You're doing great, Beef.
- Wow.
Beef, you were saying you want to be just like your dad? So the guy said my dad is the coolest.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
Who wants it? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- "Whoa.
This is so " You're gonna have to speak up, honey! - Sorry.
And I'm proud of him.
- Oh, my God.
- You like being bad.
- And he's not a drifter just Alright, alright, alright, that's great.
Wow.
Uh, give it up for Beef.
- I love you so much.
- Reminder to check - your stuff isn't showing - You sick Before entering class.
I told the school to put a mirror out there, but they want me to pay for it.
I'm not paying for it.
I'm saving up for Pearl Jam tickets.
You like being bad.
I cannot believe how embarrassing that was! Late to your own son's presentation? It wasn't like I was jacking off.
I was at work, whacking it.
What is the point of eating steak that one time if you're not there for your son? Hey, my subscribers depend on me.
- Stop fighting! - Oh, Beef, get back here.
Beef, I have to masturbate on OnlyFans.
Daddies have responsibilities.
You really expect me to believe that? Just admit it you get off on jacking off! Moonman, you were right.
Some guy on OnlyFans ripped off my signature move of masturbating on-camera.
I know you're getting flooded with applications.
Please tell me there's still room on the ark for me! There is one robot who has very specific charging needs.
Thanks so much for doing this.
- It's his birthday.
- Robots have birthdays? I'd be lying if I didn't admit it was an excuse to eat cake.
Where in God's name is everyone? Everyone is home, hustling on OnlyFans just like you said they should do.
But not on a Sunday! Sunday's the Lord's Day.
You're supposed to come to church, show your children the way, then go home, watch football, and hope your kids don't try and talk to you.
- At least Connie showed up.
- I'm actually just waiting for you all to clear out so I can film some OnlyFans content.
I'm not leaving, so if you got something to do, - you better just do it.
- Alright.
That is just awful.
- Then stop looking at it! - And let it win? Unh-unh.
Kelly, you're also at fault, so you look at it, too.
I'm planning on sleeping tonight, and I'd rather that image not terrorize my subconscious.
Does anyone have money they can give me? Look at what we've become selfish church skippers, all clawing at each other for that almighty dollar.
Pleasuring ourselves for a living was supposed to bring this town together.
You'd better fix this, Kelly.
Connie, how come you had to pick the brightest room in Fairview? Osterdorff, you're 20 seconds late! Sorry, I tripped over a scuff in the stairs carpet and I didn't ask for your life story.
Now show us what you've been working on.
Right.
Uh, here we go.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Um get some.
And, um, who wants it? Who wants it? And, uh I'm not getting hard, Osterdorff! Pastor Marv is right.
We tried to unite the town by telling everyone to go home and masturbate, but somehow, that just made us more isolated.
Fairview's been so disempowered that we're left working someplace like Omni, which spends money on cat suits but not toilet seats, or being self-employed and being asked to put on a cat suit - and lick a toilet seat.
- Then this is our lives now.
Fairview will spend its days tap-dancing for the man, and there's nothing we can do.
Hold on.
We can do something.
Moonman said he can't make the robots cream.
That means if everyone in Fairview refuses to work at Omni, those robots will be useless, - and the whole system collapses.
- Yes, let's go! Let's get everyone and take our lives back! You know you can take off the cat suit anytime? I would, but I love not getting stares when I drink milk from a saucer.
Get some, get some, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
You want it? Uh What the hell are you doing, Todd? You're saying your "get somes" before your "oh, yeahs.
" And it's "Who wants it?" not "Ya want it?" I'm really sorry.
I'm just not sure why I'm doing this anymore.
You know why you're doing it.
The money, the fame, the fortune, the status, the respect.
If you don't have any of that, then all you have is your pathetic, little family.
What's that worth? Nothing! You know, Todd Squad, I know you look at me and think, "There's a man who has everything, a man who just walks between the raindrops.
" But the truth is, I'm a human being with a family and a son who I haven't been thinking about enough.
- But that's about to change.
- Osterdorff, you take your hog back out right now, or you're done forev - Boo! - Boo, boo, Omni, you stink! You must be here to beg for your jobs back.
Good timing.
Someone keeps ordering "live, laugh, love" signs, so the robots need a lot of charging.
We shouldn't have to seek employment in the insecure, genital-chafing gig economy because employers like you ruined a perfectly good dead-end job.
- Yeah! - No problem.
I'll just make the robots cream myself.
Bullshit.
You don't have them skills.
I don't need them skills.
We're developing a new fleet of robots that will fully satisfy these robots' charging needs.
Do they also satisfy people, and do you take houses as payment? Moonman, you won't have that automation technology for at least a few months.
You need us to take care of the robots, and we don't want to do all the lonesome hustling that comes with running a business.
I don't like it, either.
That's why I wrote that note.
You wrote that? Well, I made an employee write it in exchange for 40 additional seconds on their bathroom break.
But they were my words.
Back in high school, after some classmates mocked up a banner reading, "No one likes you, Moonman," I started to think no one likes me.
And so I developed the twin pillars of my success hard work and kneecapping colleagues.
And somewhere along the way, I started to not like myself.
- Aw.
- Don't make us feel bad for you! Moonman, you're fine.
I think Fairview just misses having places to work where we hang out, shoot the shit, take our sweet-ass time in the bathroom, and make fun of the boss every once in awhile.
Those days are over and it sucks, and self-employment isn't much better.
Can the robots at the very least stop spitting in our mouths right before they cream? That sounds just fine.
Mind if I join you, champ? - I thought you had work.
- Yeah, Dad, - I thought you had work.
- Yeah, Dad.
Hey, I got too wrapped up in the rat race and forgot what's important your mom, Ashley, Grammy, and of course you, Beef.
And I would never trade that for masturbating for strangers.
- Dad, are you watching? - I am, Beef.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Get some.
- Who wants it? Get it, get it.
- Yeah, yeah, get it.
Wow, look at this attendance.
Kind of wish Connie wasn't here.
Tough to look in her eye after what I saw.
Joke's on you.
That video made me five bucks.
Mayor Kelly, you had a few words? Work sucks, and it's only gotten more dehumanizing and screwed up.
But we can't let it split us apart, because the only way to make life better is if we band together.
And we are in this together, especially now that we've seen each other's genitals.
Hooray! I think what Kelly's saying here is live, laugh, love.
Hello, everyone.
Is there room for another flawed human? Aah.
Aah.
The pain is overwhelming.
No one break it up.
This is the only way they'll become friends.
Uh-oh.
He's eating my nose clean off my face.
Give it one more sec for being insufferable Okay, let's jump in.