Fam (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Check me out, Clem.
I'm ready to go to Walt and Rose's on time.
Happy? I would be happier if you weren't wearing my favorite pants.
Oh, honey, you can't pull these off.
Whoa, those are some dope kicks.
When'd you get Yeezys? Bigger question: How does someone in their late 40s know what Yeezys are? I'm 30 and a college professor.
My finger is on the pulse.
He just learned about them on 60 Minutes.
That is not true.
It was the Sunday Style section of The New York Times.
Thank you.
How'd you pay for Yeezys, Shannon? Aren't they super expensive? Won 'em off some dumb rich girl.
You know how when someone gets arrested they'll read their Miranda rights? - Mm-hmm.
- I bet her I can recite 'em by heart.
How do you know the Miranda rights? - Because our dad is a cop.
- Mm.
Yeah, that's why I know them.
So, who is this girl? Some stuck-up idiot.
My new school's full of 'em.
Always doing their makeup in the bathroom when people are just trying to vape.
Other people.
Bad people.
It never changes.
When I was in high school, the mean girls, they would talk about me behind my back and start rumors that I was a slut.
And also rumors that weren't true.
- [knocking.]
- Got it.
Freddy, my man! Dad.
Hi.
You're here.
Yet we did not invite you.
I need a family picture for that newsletter thing they put out at the precinct.
It's it's silly, but in the next issue, - I'm Hero of the Month.
- NICK: Nice, Freddy.
What'd you do, like, solve some big murder case? Well, I hate to brag, but, uh I'm sleeping with the woman who puts out the newsletter.
Here.
- Take a picture of me and my girls.
- Sure thing.
You know, I called you the other day about lunch did you get my message? Yep.
Now, take the picture, Annie Leibovitz.
So I guess that's a no on Benihana.
[shutter clicks.]
Great.
Now, Shannon, here, you put this on.
What is this? Dad, it's not my birthday.
Well, it's in case they make me Hero again in July.
Ugh.
My birthday's in November.
Whatever.
Just smile.
- Got it.
- FREDDY: Great.
Dad, what's really going on? Why do you ruin every nice moment that we have, Clem? Come on, we'll do graduation and a couple of Christmas shots.
Come on, Dad, spill it.
All right.
Fine.
Those bastards at the IRS are sending an agent over to audit me, and I've been claiming you as dependents.
So I need to scatter some photos around my place to make it look like you're still living with me.
Also, I'm gonna need a couple of bras to hang in the bathroom.
[laughing.]
: Come on, Freddy, what's what's the real story? Oh, my God, that's the real story.
Dad, how are you a cop and yet basically everything you do is illegal? What am I gonna do, arrest myself? Quick Halloween one.
Boo! Hey! Ah here are our favorite people.
- Hey.
- Ooh, thank you.
Now, see, this is how you greet family.
Oh, my God, Nick, are you still butt-hurt because my dad doesn't want to be besties with you? I'm just trying to have a relationship with a guy that's gonna be my father-in-law.
And if that makes me butt-hurt, then yes, my butt is hurt.
CLEM: I don't know why you think my dad's ever gonna like you.
The man doesn't like anybody.
I once saw him flip off a baby.
Well, how could anyone not like my son? Mwah! Well, maybe it's because Nick never asked Freddy for his blessing to marry Clem.
Well, it never crossed my mind, because I was under the impression that Freddy was dead.
You know, because Clem told me he was dead.
I only told you that because I thought that if you ever met him, you would think less of me.
And then you met Shannon, and I realized that you'd accept anything.
You know, Nick, honey, it's never too late.
There's still time to ask Freddy.
- Maybe I should.
- No.
Please.
- I don't care.
- Yeah, but maybe your dad does.
You know, I remember asking Rose's dad for his blessing.
Made a special appointment to talk to him.
And you were so stressed out, 'cause you were late.
Well, I was starring in a Broadway production of Hair at the time I got mobbed at the stage door.
ROSE: He got his fro caught in a fan.
But he gave me his blessing and his watch it was his way of welcoming me to the family.
Wait, wait.
Is this the watch that's engraved: "Show up on time, you little bastard"? That's the one.
I'll get it for us.
You know, I miss Grandpa.
He was such a hard-ass.
Oh, he was.
That man fought his way through the Korean War.
CLEM: Really? Where was he stationed? At home with my mother.
Uh, guys, I can't find the watch.
It's gone.
Someone must have stolen it.
Are you sure, Walt? It was in a locked drawer.
Who could've done it? [gasps.]
I know the handyman! He was in our bedroom with a wrench.
What is this, a game of Clue? No way it was Arthur.
He's a nice, sweet old man.
If not him, who? Yeah.
If not him, who? Yeah.
If not him, who? So, Shannon, tell me again how you got those shoes? Told you.
Won them off that rich guy.
You said it was a girl.
Uh, yeah, that's because it was a girl.
But now it's a guy.
You see, kids don't identify anymore.
Hes are shes.
Shes are hes.
You're a dinosaur.
Let's move on.
Shannon, did you steal my dad's watch? Me? Steal? Never.
Oh, please.
You stole a taxi when you were 13.
- Really? - Really.
They caught her driving a family of five to JFK.
Yeah, and the cheap bastards didn't even tip me.
Shannon, tell us the truth, or we're gonna take your phone away for a month.
Okay.
Okay, okay, fine, fine.
I did it.
I did it.
Yes! I knew she took it! I told you she took it! Why am I celebrating? I am very angry! I'm sorry! Sorry is not gonna cut it.
This is such a violation of our trust.
How could you steal from my parents? Walt has, like, a million watches, dude.
I took it two weeks ago, and he just noticed it was gone.
Just because someone doesn't notice something is gone doesn't make it okay to steal.
Well, then technically, I can't be blamed, because I have never heard that concept before.
Shannon.
They'll never find out.
I used gloves, just like Dad taught us.
Can everyone stop being so dramatic? I will get the watch back.
Really? How? It's at a pawnshop.
How are you gonna pay for that? I'll steal a taxi.
Give me three days.
No! The stealing has to stop.
I can't believe that you would do this, Shannon.
And for a stupid pair of shoes? They're not just shoes, okay? What does that mean? I don't want to talk about it.
What is going on, Shannon? [sighs.]
: It's just everybody at this dumb, bougie school has these, and I'm already the weird new kid I guess I just wanted to fit in.
[sighs.]
: I get it.
I remember wanting to fit in, too.
That's how I ended up in mall jail for stealing a belly button ring.
There's a jail in the mall? - It's awesome.
- Yes.
It's fun, actually.
Look, this is no excuse.
I'm sorry that you were feeling left out, but we're going to Walt and Rose's right now, and you're gonna tell them the truth.
Right, Nick? Uh-uh.
No.
No, no.
No.
What? We have to.
My parents have a zero-tolerance policy about stealing.
You know my cousin Eddie? - No.
- Exactly.
He stole from my parents one time, and he was banished from the family forever.
Banished? Like one of those old ladies on The View when they talk back to Whoopi? Look, we can handle this without my parents ever finding out.
Right.
Blame it on the handyman.
I like where your head's at, kid.
No.
We're gonna get the watch from the pawnshop, plant it in my parents' place and claim we just found it.
And you're gonna pay us back the money.
Good idea.
I just won't take my next two months' allowance.
We don't give you an allowance.
Well, maybe if you did, we wouldn't be in this predicament.
Man, there's a lot of tubas in here.
I still can't believe you stole the watch and sold it to a sketchy place like this.
Sketchy? Dude, Dad used to take us here every Christmas Eve.
Called it Santa's Workshop.
He made me get my school supplies here.
I got a lunchbox with a bullet hole.
Lost a lot of Skittles that year.
Hey, guys.
How can I help you? You want a tuba? Buy one, get the rest free.
Uh, we're actually looking for a silver Rolex.
Oh, sick.
There it is, that one right there.
Oh, that's a beautiful piece.
Sure is.
Here's your $400.
Uh, it's $1,500 now.
What? We can't afford that.
[tuba plays out of tune.]
Sorry.
I always wanted to try a tuba.
So let me get this straight.
You gave this poor, innocent little girl $400 for that watch and now you're charging us $1,500 to get it back? This is a pawnshop, lady.
I sell the items for more than I buy them.
It's a radical scheme called profit.
NICK: Ladies, if I may.
- Let's cut to the chase.
- Okay.
Name your real price, my man.
$1,500, my man.
[laughs.]
: Oh.
You want to dance? Let's dance.
We'll give you $500.
How 'bout $1,500? Oh! Oh.
See, now I see what you're trying to do.
- All right, look, do-si-do.
- [chuckles.]
$650 or we walk.
How 'bout you walk to that ATM and get me $1,500? This guy's a really good dancer.
No.
No! No! Get out! Now how are we gonna get the watch back? Come on, Shannon.
We know how to get the watch back.
Damn it.
I thought you were Uber Eats bringing me my Big Mac.
Dad, I need your help.
And I need yours.
That guy you live with keeps texting me.
He wants to get together and talk.
It's like I'm in an episode of Sex and the City.
That guy is my fiancé.
And he's downstairs with Shannon.
So I'm gonna get straight to the point, because the pawnshop closes in an hour.
Pawnshop? What happened? Shannon stole something from Nick's parents - and then pawned it.
- She did? I feel like you want me to have a problem with that.
I just need you to fix it, okay? The owner is being a real scumbag, and How do I put this nicely? We need an even bigger scumbag.
Look, I'm flattered.
But shaking people down for money is one thing.
Doing it for my daughter, that just feels wrong.
Fine, Dad.
Have it your way.
Where did you get this picture of us from the beach? Oh, that was photoshopped from one of the pictures we took at your place.
One of the hookers in lockup did it.
She's studying design at the Art Institute.
A lot of 'em are.
It's weird.
Yeah, well, it sure would be a shame if the IRS found out that I haven't been living here for the last ten years like you claim.
Are you trying to blackmail me? Please.
Blackmailing people is awful.
But doing it to my own dad? That just feels right.
[engine revving.]
Dad, would you slow down? The faster I go, the safer you are.
I slow down, I get distracted.
Like by that hot blur over there.
- Hey, darlin'! - [siren whoops.]
So, Freddy, I was thinking that, uh, maybe later we can get together and talk.
We're together now.
Talk.
Nick, just drop it.
Look, I just never got a chance to talk to you before I proposed to Clem.
Are you trying to ask me for my daughter's hand in marriage? Yes.
Yes.
And I'd appreciate your blessing.
It'd mean a lot to me [tires screech.]
It's showtime.
Wow, Nick.
Swing and a miss.
Your dad is really hard to connect with.
You want to connect with him? Get a job as a cocktail waitress at a bowling alley.
Dude, why you got to slam my mom? Look, man, I know you're just trying to make a buck here, but I also know that everything in this place is stolen.
Except for the tubas.
But I'm willing to look the other way if you help me out on the watch.
I don't know what's stolen and what isn't.
I'm just an honest businessman who exploits people when they're at their most desperate.
So if you want this watch, it'll cost you $1,500.
So there's nothing I could say that'll change your mind? Only the words, "Here's $1,500.
" [laughs.]
[laughs.]
- Well, I gave it a shot, yeah? - Right.
[chuckles.]
Don't get me wrong.
I know your dad is far from perfect.
But he showed up for you guys today.
Deep down, I think he's a good guy.
[grunts, shouts.]
Give the watch to my daughter! Now! Open the window, pumpkin.
[muttering.]
Oh, oh, oh! Thank you.
Now say you're sorry.
I'm sorry.
So, who's buying me a Big Mac? Okay, so you guys are good with the plan? It's not a plan.
We're just gonna hide the watch in the couch and then pretend that we found it.
Okay, yes, it's not Ocean's Eleven, but it is a plan.
Well, you better not blow this, because I don't want to be banished like Cousin Eddie.
I think I got this.
Watch this.
"Hey.
Wait, is that the No!" "Hey, Dad, is this your No!" Pretty good, huh? No! So, we're having cameras installed tomorrow.
Ever since the robbery, - your mother is shook.
- ROSE: Mm.
That's the way you use that word, right, Shannon? That is correct, sir.
Well, I'm sorry.
I just won't be comfortable until I know this place is secure.
Well, I'm not gonna be comfortable walking around naked anymore.
Well, that may be for the best, sweetheart, because we have windows.
And every time we go across the street to that Starbucks, we get looks.
Oh, God, we do.
I'm gonna get dinner ready.
Uh, hey, Dad, aren't you gonna go help Mom? Wasn't planning on it.
Walt, are these chips organic? I don't know.
Would you mind checking? Because I read recently that, if you're gonna eat junk food, it really should be organic.
Because of, you know global warming.
I never heard that.
Have you guys? - Oh, huge.
Huge! - SHANNON: Oh, it's a big thing.
Yeah.
Would you go make sure? You know, for the planet.
[quietly.]
: Okay, he's gone.
Do it now.
- I can't.
- Why not? I don't think I can pull this off.
I just realized I've never lied to my parents.
What? You've never lied to your parents before? Clem, who are you marrying? Fine, throw it to me.
I'll do it.
- They're organic! - [yelps.]
I love this dip.
And I love the fact that we're doing our part to save the environment.
Dad! Don't eat that.
Wh-Why not? Uh, because you're fat.
There, I said it.
I said it.
Fat? What do you mean, fat? I'm not fat.
Clem, do I look fat to you? I just think he wants you to look your best for the wedding photos.
Yeah.
I totally agree, because you [chuckles.]
are a whale.
Dinner's ready, everyone.
Rose, am I not in great shape? Doesn't matter, Walt.
You shouldn't be walking around naked.
Well, I think I look good.
- No! - No! No! Is that the No! I know, I know.
You guys have been so cool to me, and the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you.
But you did, Shannon.
And I think what hurts the most is we welcomed you into our home and trusted you.
I think what hurts the most is the gratuitous body shaming.
And the trust thing.
Look, I know this is no excuse, but before my dad potty-trained us, he taught us how to steal.
He called it "doing number three.
" So, you're not gonna banish me? Banish you? Yeah.
I was worried this whole thing was gonna turn into a Cousin Eddie situation.
A what? Eddie.
The cousin that was banished from this family because he stole a hundred bucks from you guys.
[laughing.]
You still believe that, Nick? [laughing.]
There is no Cousin Eddie.
We just made him up to keep you from doing something stupid.
You made him up? Yes.
Whatever we didn't want you to do, we just said Cousin Eddie did it and suffered horribly so you wouldn't do it! Wait, so Cousin Eddie never jaywalked and got hit by a truck? Cousin Eddie never jaywalked, because he never crossed the street, because he never existed.
[laughs.]
: Damn! Your parents did you dirty, Nicholas.
[whoops.]
Excuse me.
We're not finished with you, Ms.
Shannon.
Now, I know your father wasn't exactly the best role model.
But stealing from your family? No, that's the thing.
Family doesn't mean anything to him.
And it didn't mean anything to me either.
Until now.
And that's because of you guys.
All of you guys.
Which is why I'm-I'm really, really sorry.
Aw, Shannon.
Aw, you guys.
I don't want the people in Starbucks to see me cry.
Honey, they've seen it all.