Famalam (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Black Bond The man with a size 12 shoe Black Bond Black Bond He break dances and DJs too Black Bond Black Bond He's Her Majesty's weapon Black Bond Black Bond He grew up in Peckham He's a government closer Gun in his holster I Pass the mic I and cuffs 'em all over He says.
"Officer, I'm a soldier.
" Shut up, blacky, don't speak till I've told ya! Black Bond.
Black Bond, coming to a cinema near you.
Never! What the fuck are you thinking?! Please.
It's tradition.
Fuck yo' tradition, bitch! I'm a Morris dancer.
You can check out our website.
Oh, well, you can suck my dick.
0i! Excuse me.
Brother.
Hey.
Get the bloody hell away from my partner.
I Names and addresses.
I've got a I racial awareness course I think you should all definitely attend.
You don't have to, but Damn, Patterson! Creatin' a distraction! I like that.
Yeah.
YEAH.
You a cold ass honky.
What you say we go get ourselves a full English motherfuckin' breakfast, huh? Midsummer Motherfuckin' Murders, nigga Goddamn it, bitch! Not on my motherfuckin' boots, man! Sorry.
You gon' be! Midsummer Motherfuckin' Murders, nigga Black man in a white man's world Yeah! With Patterson, his white sidekick, gettin' sick As they shootin' up Morris dancers! What's in there? - Strawberries Strawberries.
- So sexy All right Mmm Plantain OK.
Yeah Uh Uh OK.
Oh! - OK - What's this? Rice.
Like jolof rice? Jolof rice OK.
Oh, God! That's really intense.
Oh, it's raining.
Raining rice Oh Um What's this? Seriously, no.
What is that? Swordfish.
Um Shh Oh, is that? Oh, that's dripping in my mouth.
Ooh! Aah! Taste the fish! Oh! Oh, my God! Argh! That's enough now, I think! This has been a really great night.
I think I've got quite an early start tomorrow, so I think Shito.
No, that's That's really, really hot.
Really hot.
No, that's I'm not OK No, look No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Oh, God, no.
No.
Oh, God, no.
What's the safe word? Is there a safe word? Safe word! Safe word! Safe word! Oh, shit! Oh Oh! Oh! That actually felt amazing! You finished with that? With what? There's nothing there? There's bare chicken there.
If you want that, it's all yours.
- You finished with that? - No, I'm still going, innit? You finished now? - No, I'm still going.
- What about now? Na.
I'm still - What about now? - No, I'm still What about now? Fester, Fester, Fester Anywhere I go I make the gang go.
What? Yo, game don't change Do you just want to hear music? Or do you wanna LISTEN to music? And when I say YOU, I mean ONLY YOU.
As in, even if you're surrounded by people, only YOU can hear the music playing.
Impossible Well, believe in the impossible, cuz! Headphones.
By Swayze.
Oh, you already heard the headphones? Well, these ones have my name on it.
- By Swayze - And they cost a lot more.
- Worth it? - Ooh! I can sort of tell the difference a little bit.
Headphones.
By Swayze.
Buy 'em, everyone else is! Morons! Whoa! Ha! Anyone want any? I always make way too much.
Any takers? You sure? No? Your loss.
Urgh! Argh! Oi! Oi! - What are you doing? - Come on.
Hold on.
- Oh, not this guy again.
- What? "Genuine penis enlargement pump.
"You have been selected for a free trial of a unique penis enlargement "pump.
This really works.
" Come off it.
Who do they think I am? Delete! Twice as large! Stretch! But why? Why is no-one getting back to me to receive their free penis enlargement pump? Eh? I spent a fortune on the research of this thing.
The others are fake but this is scientifically proven to work.
Innit, babe? We don't need it, Baby dear, but I know there are men out there that need it.
Because I can see them there on their webcams.
Pleasuring themselves.
Tossing off.
You know? All I can do is keep on e-mailing.
Right "Dear Mr Ross Marshall ".
.
I have seen that you have "a teeny shaft and a tiny tips.
"Well, congratulations" let's hope this one bites Bi-di-bi, bi-di-Bo Bidi-see-Bo-pree It's time for more black British history With a man like me, Scribbler P! So, hundreds of years ago, in Britain, British people were black! That's a fucking mazza, innit? Scientists, yeah, like white ones with glasses and everything, have discovered that early Britons had dark skin and really shit hair.
And somehow cheese was involved.
40,000 years ago, some Africans went for a walk and then 10,000 years ago, they arrived in Britain.
That's a 30,000 year journey, rude boy.
Them man must have been knackered! Oh, yeah, and apparently at the time, Britain was known as Doggerland, which is a mad ting because I didn't even know cars were invented in them days there.
But eventually, the Cheddar men decided to move on from Britain.
Here is a scientific reconstruction of those events.
"0i, it's fucking cold in here, cuz!" "Er, you, man.
Let's just doss and go Jamaica, innit?" Black people were not seen in Britain again until Morgan Freeman arrived in Robin Hood times.
Real talk.
Big shout out to the Cheddar man.
As British as a man in a white van.
No Afro but you can't deny Discovered in Somerset and him lookin' fly! Obviously, some people were even angrier than they already were about this discovery.
But science is science, innit? So, say hello to Grandad.
Bi-di-bi, bi-di-Bo Bidi-see-Bo-pree That's all the black British history From a man like me, Scribbler P.
Uh-oh.
He's done it again.
I'm about to clean up in this game.
And when I say clean I mean CLEAN Yeah.
With a broom! - Brooms - Oh, you already got a broom? Well, I don't see my name on it, cuz! What do brooms got to do with my music? Available at B&Q.
Broom.
By Swayze Order today and receive your free bottle of Swayze water.
- Ooh, I can taste little bits in it.
- Buy it! I'm currently involved in, like, six different lawsuits.
Prisoner 349871, Cromwell, you have been sentenced to death by electrocution by the penal code of the state of Louisiana.
Under Louisiana penitentiary regulation 332, you are entitled to a final meal of your choosing You have requested 2-piece fried chicken breast, 2-piece fried chicken wings, one portion of French fries.
May God be with you.
Bon appetit.
You finished with that? You finished with that? You finished with that? Y'Y'Yeah.
Thanks.
Yo, boss man.
You got any of that barbecue sauce or somethin'? Hello.
I am Patrick Okwonge Okwomge, the number one footballer from Senegal And this is Patrick Okwonge Okwomge's Premier League Soccer Skills! Learn how to take a free kick! Head the ball! Beat a defender! Just like a Premier League footballer.
Learn how to dress.
Have a fight.
Make the front page.
Snort cocaine.
Just like a Premier League footballer.
Urgh! Develop a debilitating gambling addiction.
Just like a Premier League footballer.
No, wait.
Please, don't.
Hey, Marcel, I need some money, please! No, please! I have nothing! Buy my excellent video product now .
.
and learn to play the Patrick Okwonge Okwomge Fantastic Egusi Films, in conjunction with musical juggernaut Fantastic Egusi Records Presents La La Lagos Land.
A brand-new musical extravaganza, starring Ba batunde Warrington as the cuckolded husband.
And Blessings Okerafor Jones as his wife, with a questionable sexual preference.
Nah, nah, nah, Na-Na, nah Cos you been cheatin' on me with Susie You been cheatin' on me with Susie Featuring love triangle illustrated Something's got me so excited, baby When you wind on my gengen My gengen, my gengen When you wind on my gengen Plot twists revealed via bossa nova.
But I no like the other women.
- That's why I love you, baby.
- But - I had a dick.
- What?! - I had a dick.
- You're joking.
I had a dick.
Ah And also featuring white people music.
If you are able to watch Les Miserables to the end, then you may also be able to tolerate this musical film.
I am Susie, and I can confirm She has been in a lesbian relationship with me I I have evidence I Pornographic evidence On my phone Shit.
- Ee-ye Ee-ye Oh, yeah, ooh! Ooh! Ee-ye Coming soon.
Ee-ye Just hear those sleigh bells jingling Ring ting tingling too My turn, OK Yeah.
It's huge actually.
Someone went over budget, didn't they? All right, let's see Ooh, I wonder what it is! Ooh! An African fertility statue.
From Nigeria.
Who got you that? I am Patrick Okwonge Okwomge.
Now, there's an even better way to learn all the skills you need to become a Premier League footballer.
Here, at the Patrick Okwonge Okwomge Premier League Academy of Excellence.
Learn all the training methods you might need in a friendly professional atmosphere.
What's wrong with you? This is football! Learn how to dress like a Premier League footballer.
Swagger tastic! Learn how to drink like a Premier league footballer.
Pull a glamour model, like a Premier league footballer.
Various graduates from my Academy already have contracts at top clubs, such as You're never too young to learn how to play like a Premier League footballer.
Penalty! Sign up to the Patrick Okwonge Okwomge Premier League Academy of Excellence today! Don't touch my hair! Thank you for seeing me, your Holiness.
I'm Kevin.
Why you come to me? Well, there's this girl A girl called Megan.
And you wish this Megan to fall in love with you? Yes.
How do I? Shh Oosoku, Ashanti Ashanti Mala! Ah Adali Nyama! Give me your hand, Kevin.
Now, you must be rubbing this potion I on your chest in a counter-clockwise direction.
But only under the light of the moon on the first and fourth Sunday of every OTHER month! You hear me, Kevin? Yes.
And now, are you ready for your final instructions? - Yes, your Holiness.
- You must You must You must - Give up.
- What? Give up.
She is way out of your league.
Fucking hell.
And .
.
write down her telephone number.
- Her number? - Yes, Megan's number! Write it down How dare you question my methods! I curse you for your insolence.
Oobom Saka.
Ooso Tamala! Oobom Saka! Hey.
Is this Megan, yeah? Your man Kevin is a waste, man, you know? You deserve better, innit.
HE LAUGHS Yeah Uh-oh.
You in trouble now.
But it's all good.
Swayze gonna fix you up.
And when I say fix, I mean fix your marriage, cuz.
- Marriage counselling.
- Marriage counselling.
- By Swayze.
- By Swayze.
Oh, you don't need marriage counselling? - Denial.
- You're happily married? Impossible.
Why don't y'all take a seat? And at the end of my course, you get a certificate With my mutherfuckin' name on it.
- Marriage counselling.
- By Swayze.
Join today.
Please.
I have way too many fucking kids! Did you like Patrick Okwonge Okwomge's Premier League Soccer Skills? Then I have some good news for you, my friend.
Now, I am back with a brand-new pop single.
- Okwonge Okwomge, Okwonge Okwomge - Soccer skills - Okwonge Okwomge, Okwonge Okwomge - Soccer skills Soccer skills You got to give it your all Drop your balls in a wall And if you ever do fall You got to stand up tall Take it from me, I'm Patrick I'm Patrick, I'm Patrick! Sing along! Buy it now on CD and cassette.
Only at Woolworths.
Disciples.
This is my body.
Take this, all of you.
And eat from it.
Do this in remembrance of me.
You finished with that? Um Can I have some? - Um - Thanks.
You got any dips or something? It's bare dry.
I think I have some hummus somewhere Is that wine? Urgh.