Family Matters s01e03 Episode Script

Eddie, the forks go on the left.
- On the left? - Right.
Oh, on the right.
Well, that makes sense.
We're all right-handed.
No, genius.
When I said right, I meant left was right.
Great news, everyone.
I stopped on the way home and bought us a pizza for dinner.
Thank goodness.
We can eat with our hands.
- Grandma.
Grandma.
Grandma.
- Hmm.
Anything for me? Grandma.
Grandma.
- Grandma.
- Oh.
- This one looks important.
- That must be for me.
- Grandma.
- Oh, this is from Barbara Bush.
- You know Barbara Bush? - Oh, sure.
But I haven't heard from them since they moved.
- Here's one for you, Dad.
- Thank you.
Oh, terrific.
A water bill.
Here's one for Rachel.
- Should I give it to her? - Let me give it.
Makes me feel important.
Hey, Rachel, you got a letter.
Oh, it's from Sci-fi magazine.
- I sent them a great short story.
- I don't believe it.
- You haven't even read her story.
- I don't mean her story.
I mean the water bill.
Did we get a swimming pool and nobody told me? Look at that.
It is a little high.
A little high? They don't use this much water at SeaWorld.
This is terrible.
They rejected my story.
Oh, Rachel, I'm sorry.
I guess this has been a tough day for both of us, huh? Great news, Dad.
I'm all finished washing the car.
You washed the car? With water? Boy, why did you do that? Because you told me to? Edward, I told you two weeks ago when we could afford it.
I don't believe this.
I did something good and I'm in trouble.
Big trouble.
And from now on, ask me before you do something I told you to do.
I'm sorry they rejected your story.
It was a great idea.
It was about this trucker who has a whole lot of tattoos.
Then one day, he notices his tattoos are changing.
Finally, he realizes they're not tattoos at all, but aliens with really low self-esteem.
Uh-huh.
- I'm doing a Stephen King sort of thing.
- Let me tell you where you're going wrong.
Shouldn't be wasting your time writing about truckers and tattoos.
Gotta be writing about things you know about.
Carl! Carl! Now, don't panic.
The water will just be off for four hours a day.
Now, I know we can all live with that, and think of the money we'll be saving.
I know how we can save a lot more money.
Nobody eats.
I'll turn it right back on.
- Hi, Aunt Rachel.
- Hi, baby.
How was school? I can get A's in my sleep.
The public-school system is geared for kids like Eddie.
- How's the story coming? - It's not.
I keep getting a lot of ideas but none of them amount to anything.
I'm sort of blocked.
All right, I want everyone in this house in the living room, right now on the double.
Uh-oh.
It's Aquaman.
All right.
Who did it? Who left the sprinkler on all day? The front yard looks like a rice paddy.
Don't look at me.
I don't do outside work.
- I didn't do it.
- Not me.
I haven't done anything.
I'm blocked.
Well, who could it be? Hi, everybody.
Edward.
Son.
Did you turn on the sprinkler today? Yeah, I did, Dad.
I turned it on this morning.
And without even being asked.
But you forgot to turn it off.
I got you there, Dad.
You didn't tell me that part.
Edward, the human body is 65 percent water.
If we come up short, you're the first to go.
You're getting out of hand with this water thing.
Out of hand? I have to rent scuba gear to get the evening paper.
From now on, nobody uses a drop of water in this house without written permission from me.
- Oh, come on.
- Come on.
What do you mean? I've got to get I wonder if George and Barbara have an extra room.
I work too hard.
I only make $305 a week.
Aunt Rachel, you want something to write about, write about this family.
People love stories about domestic violence.
- Mama, we are doing good.
- Hm? We are doing real good.
I have been checking the meter now every day for the past two weeks and water consumption is finally under control.
Good.
Now maybe I can firm up my waterbed.
I'm really getting sick of this.
I want some of that mail and I want it now.
Okay.
Here.
Take this.
This is junk mail.
You're new in this profession.
You've got to start at the bottom.
I was born at the bottom.
Here you go.
Grandma.
You put your right foot out You put your right foot Come on, baby.
This is a top-of-the-line teething ring.
He hates this thing.
You're doing it all wrong.
Well, excuse me.
It didn't come with instructions.
Watch and learn.
Dip it in a little apple sauce.
Here you go, sweetie.
Mm, mm.
Oh, sure.
Anybody can do it that way.
Mail call for Aunt Rachel.
- That's for dinner.
- Sorry.
This is from the magazine I sent my new short story to.
Open it.
Open it.
Well, what did they say? What did they say? I sold my story.
I sold it! I sold it! - I sold it! - You sold it.
You sold it.
You sold it.
Now, am I gonna get a chance to read it? I didn't want you to see it until I knew it was good.
I'm gonna go out now and make copies for everyone.
- Will you watch little Richie for me? Good.
- Sure, no problem.
Oh, by the way, he needs changing.
Thanks.
Laura, get down here.
The baby needs changing.
So, what did you think of my story? Rachel, this story is about us.
No, it's not.
I made it up.
You made it up? The story is about a woman who moves in with her sister's family.
The father's a cop, the mother works at a newspaper.
And they live in a house with their three kids and a grandmother.
Okay, I know that sounds like this family.
But I just used you as a jumping-off point.
I don't think you jumped far enough.
You make me seem pushy.
I'm not pushy.
- Yeah.
- Hush up, Carl.
I want you to take me out of the story.
Mother Winslow And you make me seem like some kind of cheapskate.
Got that part right.
I don't know why you guys are so upset.
She made me seem like some kind of smart-mouthed know-it-all.
Come on, guys, it's just a little story for a magazine.
I doubt if anyone we know will even read it.
What about me? You said I whine.
I don't whine.
Honey, it's not about you.
Way to go, Rachel.
Come on, guys, I made it up, really.
I mean, hasn't anyone noticed the family is nothing like us? They have cable.
Aunt Rachel, I love your story.
Finally, someone who knows it's fiction.
What fiction? You captured the real me.
A guy who's great with the babes.
That is the only part that is fiction.
Oh, yeah? Don't be hitting nobody on the head.
You're all crazy enough as it is.
Harriette, you haven't said a word.
You're a reasonable person.
What did you think of my story? You wanna know what I think about this story? Maybe not.
Rachel, I think this story is about you and me.
How you see me as this overbearing big sister who's always pushing you around.
Well, it's nice to finally know how you really feel about me.
Harriette, it's just a little story.
Well, your words speak louder than your words.
- What does that mean? - I don't know.
I'm fired up.
Harriette, come on.
So you see, Mother Winslow, that's the way we writers do it.
- Oh.
- We take somebody we might know and use them as a model for fictional characters.
- Uh-huh.
- Like Hemingway.
He used his friends in his stories.
I met Hemingway in Cuba once.
All sizzle and no steak.
Rachel, well, I convinced Harriette to talk to you.
Now, you're gonna have to do the rest.
Thanks, Carl.
- Excuse me, Mother Winslow.
- I'll be praying for you, honey.
Okay, Harriette.
Now, I know that you two can straighten out this misunderstanding.
So now, just go right ahead.
Straighten out the misunderstanding.
Right out.
Harriette, I'm really sorry this upset you.
I was just trying to do what you told me, write about what I know.
See? Now, come on, let's all go out and get some ice cream.
I just wanna ask you one thing, Rachel.
Did you mean all that stuff you wrote about me? It's not you, Harriette.
Henrietta is a fictional character.
See? Now, come on, let's go get that ice cream.
Come on.
So you don't think I try to control your life like that sister in the story? Well, not all the time.
What do you mean, not all the time? Well, sometimes you do try to control my life.
When? Name one time.
Ha! I could name a hundred times.
You tell me how to dress, how to do my makeup.
And you even gave me a lecture on how to give my baby a teething ring.
You know, that really made my hair stand on end.
Well, it would be a lot better than the way you're wearing it now.
You know, I don't think I've put enough of you in my story.
I may have to do a novel.
How would you like to do it in traction? Did they make up? Well, they were close.
Real close.
Mm-hm.
Ooh.
You look bad.
I know.
Where you going? You smell like you gargled with Aqua Velva.
I'm going over to Linda Fontana's house to ask her out.
Then you better go back upstairs first because you forgot your brain.
Linda Fontana is the prettiest girl in your school.
There's no way she's gonna go out with you.
See, Aunt Rachel's story taught me a lot about women.
I figure Linda's waiting for a real man to come along.
One who's not intimidated by her beauty.
And that's me.
Edward "Stud" Winslow.
How much of that cologne did you swallow? So have you made up with Rachel yet? Well, I guess not.
Rachel, you're just in time for lunch.
Carl, would you please tell Harriette I'll be eating lunch in my room.
Carl, would you please tell Rachel if she's eating in her room she better call for pizza.
My food is not leaving this kitchen.
Carl, would you tell Harriette that that is just fine with me.
But Wha Mom, if Judy and I fight, can I have pizza in my room too? Just a thought.
Harriette how can you still be upset at Rachel's story? All the rest of us have forgiven her.
Carl, she didn't do a number on you.
You were just a tightwad and a blowhard.
She thinks I'm a terrible sister.
All these years, I thought I was helping her out.
All the time, she's been seeing me as some tyrant who's trying to control her life.
You know what I think? I think the two of you have let this thing get way out of hand and it is now time to talk it out.
I don't wanna talk to her.
Honey.
Look, I know you're hurting right now.
But you wouldn't be hurting if you didn't love her so much.
I don't know how two people who love each other the way you and Rachel do can let something like this come between you.
And I know that neither one of you are gonna be happy until you work it out.
Now, come on, honey, work it out.
I don't wanna work it out.
Hi, Aunt Rachel.
Hi, baby.
- Want some? - No, thanks.
I guess you and Mom still aren't talking, huh? You know, this is just about our worst fight ever.
Hey, don't let it get you down.
I know what it's like to be a sister.
Judy and I fight all the time.
Yeah? Do you say really awful things to her? Sure.
Being a middle child has to have some perks.
But I don't really mean the things that I say.
I'd never tell her this, but I love the kid.
Anybody seen my Bratty Kathy doll? Beat it, you little rug rat.
See? I wasn't really trying to hit her.
But she has to learn to knock before she enters.
I think you should go apologize right now.
Oh, I will.
What do you think? I wanna ruin our relationship? See, that's the important thing.
No matter what happens between sisters you don't let it ruin the relationship.
Well, I think she got the message.
- How did I do? - You were great.
Your timing was perfect.
I don't know how Mom and Aunt Rachel ever got through life without us.
- Harriette, we've gotta talk.
- I'm listening.
I am so sorry I wrote that story.
I never meant to hurt you.
It's not about the story anymore.
All right, I'm sorry for everything else I said too.
So you don't think I push you around and try to control your life? Okay.
I don't feel that way.
You do too.
Okay, I do feel that way.
I don't know what you want me to say.
I want you to tell me the truth.
Fine.
Sometimes, I feel like you push me around.
No, I don't.
I just give you advice.
Harriette you may mean it as advice, but it comes across like giving orders.
It's like you don't respect me or you think I'm not capable of thinking for myself.
- That is not true.
- Yes, it is.
Ever since we were little girls, you always talked to me that way.
But I have nothing but respect for you, Rachel.
The type of person you are, your values, your ability as a writer.
Those are things I've always admired about you.
Really? Yeah, and if I boss you around sometimes, it's only because I care about you and want only the best for you.
Well, you always have been strong and dependable.
Just like a second mom.
Only younger.
Well, I can see you don't need me as a mother.
You need me as a sister.
Oh, that would be fine.
Well, from now on, when we're having a problem I want you to tell me about it face to face instead of putting it in a national magazine.
Fair enough.
And I want you to let me know if I'm getting pushy.
Okay, I will.
No, I mean it.
Whenever I'm getting pushy, it's your job to say Harriette, you're being pushy.
Boy, it sneaks up on you, doesn't it? So are we friends now? - Sure.
- Oh, I missed you so much.
- I missed you too.
- Oh, I knew you guys would work it out.
Oh, boy, I'm glad that's over.
All I can say is I'm glad that story didn't cause any more trouble than it did.
Edward.
What happened to you? I went over to Linda Fontana's house to ask her out.
And she beat you up? Gee, whatever happened to girls just saying no? It wasn't her.
It was her boyfriend, Bubba.
Aunt Rachel, next time you write a story, leave me out of it, please.
Son, come on.
I think it's time you and I had a little talk about women and guys named Bubba.
Wow.
What did you do? Take a bath in cologne?