Family Tools (2013) s01e03 Episode Script

Here you go, Tony.
Bon appétit.
And here's yours, Grandpa.
Wait a second.
How am I getting 10 times as much as Ellis? He's half dead.
Oh, um it's actually just a placebo.
There's nothing we can do for him.
You ready to go, Grandpa? Come on.
I don't need half of this stuff.
What do Beta Blockers even do? Well, those break down the chunks of bacon, that are clogging your arteries.
My heart's fine.
As your caretaker, I disagree.
Come here.
Oh, not the cuff! Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Come on.
All right.
Why is it always wet? Okay.
Come on.
Way to go, Tony.
That's not a bad number.
No, not if you're bowling.
Tony, you really have to start taking this seriously.
You have a physical coming up soon, and if you don't do well, it's gonna reflect poorly on me.
On you? Didn't you see the way the Doctors were looking at me, during your last heart attack? I was a little busy not walking into the light.
Any excuse to get out of walking.
Come on.
Ter Hey, Terry! You stuck? Yeah.
I'm a small-town guy who took over his Dad's Fix-It business, after he decided to retire.
My Aunt takes care of him, whether he likes it or not.
Her son is weird.
Now I'm the boss.
Dad's assistant works for me, sort of.
His sister likes me, I think.
Being in charge is tough, but nothing I can't handle.
I'll fix that! Hello? Yes, this is Mr.
Jiffy Fix.
Yeah, we're available.
1479 Windsor Court.
- It's in Beachwood! - Beachwood? Beachwood? 8:00 A.
M.
Thursday, Mr.
Jiffy Fix will be there, Sir.
No.
Thank you.
- Beachwood.
- Beachwood.
What's the big deal with Beachwood? - It's just a bunch of rich, stuck-up snobs.
- Yeah.
Exactly.
It's the richest community in Mapleport, and the hardest to break into.
Every plumber, roofer, and electrician in town, would kill to get in there.
One guy actually did.
Well, Randy was a hothead.
But one hell of a dancer.
Anyway, Congratulations, Jack.
Been waiting 30 long years for this.
Thing about Beachwood is, one good job there, could lead to like 100 more.
This could be huge for us, Jack.
I hope you're up for this.
You can't hesitate.
Rich people can smell fear.
Yes, no, I -- Yeah, I-I am ready.
The answer is yes.
I think I know what I'm doing.
Well, that's the thing.
You always think you know what you're doing.
I mean, I think I could be a Lifeguard.
I think I could be a Firefighter.
I think I could be a Backstreet Boy.
You never heard me harmonize.
I can do this.
Well, I don't have any other son.
Thanks, Dad.
Finally at Beachwood.
Let's take a moment to give thanks.
Do not touch my hand, Jack.
I wa I was jo Hi.
Mr.
Jiffy Fix.
I hope we're not imposing too much, by being exactly on time.
Tom Kester.
Sorry.
Training for the Iron Man.
- Here comes a Lefty.
- Oh.
- I'll just here.
- Um, yeah, just come on in.
So, we'll replace all the baseboards, upstairs, downstairs, finish them to match the room.
We'll be out of here in two days.
You won't even notice, uh, my partner and I were here.
Darren? Darren? Jack, there is a Hot Tub for 8 in the Master Suite.
- No - With an Espresso machine.
Which would look beautiful against the new wood trim, that we are installing.
You are fully bonded, right? Yeah, we get along okay.
- Yes, we're fully bonded.
- Good.
Listen, I'm off to Australia Swim with the Great Whites, have my Vasectomy reversed, So, uh, here you go.
Oh! ohh! I like to do that to make sure the floors are scratch-resistant.
We'll buff that out.
Darren, what the Shh! I can't hear the explosions.
How many times do I have to tell you? We don't watch the client's TV's.
This is not a TV.
This is a full-blown cinematic experience.
- I don't care if it - Whoa! Whoa! Sweet! This movie's not even out yet.
How'd he get ahold of it? Quiet.
This is the love scene.
Aw! She didn't make it! Turn it down.
It's my dad.
That is disrespectful to Michael Bay's vision.
This.
.
Hey, Dad.
How's it going? About as well as it was going 5 minutes ago, when you called.
Let me talk to Darren.
Why don't you just take my word for it? Boom! Goodbye, Eiffel Tower! You got to trust me, Dad.
I got this.
Are you setting all the nails? Using the wood putty? Yes, Daddy, and I'm using my big-boy hammer, too.
So leave me alone now.
I know what I'm doing.
Don't screw up! All right.
Movie's over.
You can't do that! I'm emotionally invested now! Jack! Thank you.
Thank you.
Move it! I don't know why I built these damn stairs.
To give the Paramedics a challenge, when they come to restart your body.
Now mush! I'm your pacesetter, Uncle Tony.
Keep it up! Ooh! I'm okay.
Keep going.
Okay.
Let's go in my office.
Okay, okay.
- Aah! - What the hell?! - Who is that? - It's my Grandpa.
My Brother, Darren, is supposed to be watching him tonight.
He seems great, Stitch, But, uhI should really go.
What? Wait! No, no! We could park him in the Break Room! Hi, Grandpa.
8 Penny finishing nails? Really? Why not just use railroad spikes? You? Oh, hey, Tony.
Shrimp Cocktail? What the hell are you doing here? I could ask you the same question.
But I won't, 'cause I'm scared.
This is an amazing house.
Thought, I deserved a little "Staycation.
" Darren, it's a client's house In Beachwood.
You can't stay here.
I think this client would be glad I'm here.
Look, I caught an intruder.
Very funny.
Just checking up on Jack's work here.
You know that Knucklehead was using 8 Pennies? I fought him, T.
I fought him hard.
Yeah.
Jack doesn't need to know about me.
Obviously.
Nor me.
Obviously.
I'll get back to my baseboard.
I'm just gonna get back to my cheese board.
Hey, could you try to keep the noise down? Geez.
Darren.
Jack! There you are! What do you want on your crepe? Blueberry, or sliced Mango? What are you doing? I'm making breakfast for my favorite boss.
I love you Jack.
How did you even get in here? I got here this morning, and the door was unlocked.
You got to be more careful, Jack.
This is somebody's home.
Well, let's just get to work.
And Blueberry, please.
What the This is a 6 Penny nail.
What's going on? Yeah, well, I got here early, and I felt like doing some extra work.
Really? Yes, really.
You felt like doing extra work? Yes.
And it wasn't Court-ordered? That is my position.
It was my Dad, wasn't it? I fought him, J.
I fought him hard.
I knew it.
Can you He doesn't think I can do anything right.
In his defense, he has no faith in you.
What's it gonna take? Do you know how hard it is, to get that man's approval? No, I don't.
'cause he seems to really like me.
- Creme fraiche? - A little.
I don't know why you're so tired, Tony.
It's only been 10 minutes.
I'm holding myself back.
As soon as we get past the drinking fountain, I'm gonna smoke you on the straightaway.
Oh, yeah? - Hey, guys.
- What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at work? Oh, no, it turns out I don't have to go to work, because when I'm not there, my job gets done for me anyway.
- Or redone.
- Well, if it got done right the first time Whoa, whoa.
What are you talking about? Dad snuck out last night, and redid all my work at Beachwood.
Ohh, no wonder you're so tired.
Damn it, Tony! You are gonna fail your physical.
If you make me look bad in front of your Doctor, So help me God, you will never see cheese again.
Yeah! Dad, why can't you just trust me? Because I know you.
You don't think things through.
That candy house you made in 4th Grade A Marshmallow foundation.
How was that structurally sound? Yeah, I was 10.
You always have an excuse.
I'm trying to do you a favor here, Jack.
We got a lot on the line in Beachwood.
You just can't accept the fact that I'm doing a job, that the great Tony Shea could never do.
All right, come on, ladies.
We're all pretty here.
Dad, just please promise you're not gonna go back there.
I cannot promise that, Jack.
I can, okay? I will not let him out of my sight.
Fine.
I got to get back to Beachwood anyway.
You know how it is.
Oh, that's right.
You don't.
I love my Grandpa.
I do.
But I have got to have a life.
Darren has done this to me, way too many times.
Hey, you're right.
He owes you.
He kind of owes everyone in town.
He's in to me for 1,600 bucks.
Well, it's not fair.
Ooh, you know what? He's at the jobsite today.
Please let me ruin his day, by taking Ellis to him.
Jack.
You would do that for me? Of course I would.
You should enjoy your life, Stitch.
Thank you! Now, I can finally have sex with my boyfriend.
Ooh, Sorry.
My feet are killing me.
I just want your heart to be okay.
The rest of you is not my concern.
Hello, family.
Dad, that's a bathroom thing, but I'm not gonna let it bother me 'cause I've had an amazing day.
Really? Well, you're about to have some very average spaghetti.
Oh, that sounds great.
- Do you know what happened to me today? - What? - I'm gonna tell you.
My Beachwood job expanded.
- Really? - What? - I'm not only up for this job, I'm kicking its ass.
- That is terrific, Honey.
- Thank you.
So, what's the new work? - Electrical.
- Electrical? Yeah, I saw a faulty outlet, I called the client in Sydney, and, now I'm rewiring the whole house.
You're not ready for electrical.
I think the words you're looking for are, "Good job, Son.
Yay!" All right, I'll give you this.
You didn't screw up the baseboards too much, but for once in your life, will you just quit while you're ahead? Quit? Are you kidding me? Dad, no, I'm about to do in 3 weeks, what you couldn't do in 30 years.
Jack, you just got to learn to accept your limitations, okay? I've accepted mine.
I cannot reason with idiots.
Enough.
I'm not gonna let you ruin my happy day.
I'm doing this.
I'm gonna make Mr.
Jiffy Fix more successful, than you ever have, and you can go back to massaging your bunions.
- Aah! - Aah! Oh, come on! I'm sorry, Stitch.
Something came up.
- Where are you? - In a really good place in my life right now.
Thanks for asking.
It's your turn to watch Grandpa.
Well, technically I missed my last one, so actually this is your turn.
But I don't want to be petty.
Damn it, Darren.
I'm pretending to lose you, shhhhhhh.
No! Don't you do that! Ugh! I love my job.
Yeah, these are some complicated schematics, Jack.
You sure you know what you're doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course I do.
See? Right there.
Just go ahead and take these 3 wires here.
Give 'em a gentle tug.
Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing to my house, Jack? You got to call Tony.
No, I'm not calling my Dad.
I I pulled the wrong wires.
I just need to pull this one.
Aah! Oh, my God! My mood lighting! Jack, I have never asked you for anything.
Please! Please call Tony! No! That is exactly what he wants! Now you just pull yourself together! I know what I'm doing.
Uncle Tony, it's the law.
You have to wear a helmet.
Or what? I don't get to ride the bike, I don't want to ride? You've got no leverage, kid.
Oh, leverage.
You mean like the bag of cigars, you have taped behind the toilet tank? Give me the Blue one.
Hey, Tony.
Can you watch Ellis for me, while I go murder my Brother? On a related note, where is my Brother? Sorry, Stitch.
We can't help you out.
We're all going on a 10 mile bike ride.
His physical's in 2 days, so it's crunch time.
- Right, Tony? - I hate you.
I fed you a bug when you were a baby, and I don't regret it.
You don't know what you're doing, Jack.
You're pulling this.
You're yanking that.
You got wires wrapped around the plumbing.
That's it.
I'm calling Tony.
No, no, no, no, no! Nobody's calling my Dad.
Does your ringtone sound like a pipe about to explode? I don't vote.
- Hey, Dad.
- Oh, hey, Jack.
What's up? Nothing big.
Everything's great.
Just wondering if you happen to be in the Beachwood area, and you got a minute, I'd love to pick your brain about something.
What did you screw up? Nothing.
Oh, my God! The HD-Cinema Surround-sound Multi-processing Unit! You're ruining it! When's Tony getting here?! I don't know.
Here.
Wait.
I think I got it.
See?! This is why we can't have nice things! Come on, Tony.
Terry, Jack needs me.
Your heart needs you.
You can't solve all of Jack's problems.
But it's Beachwood.
You're going on the bike ride, okay? That's it.
It's final.
Let's go.
Okay.
Fine.
Bust me out of here, I'll take you to Darren.
Come on, Tony.
I'm coming.
See, Tony, isn't this nice? Yeah, I can already feel the healthiness, returning to my body.
Grab it, Tony! Go, go, go! Son of a Bitch! To be clear, I said I could do electrical.
I never did say I could do plumbing.
I don't know if I can forgive you for this one, Jack.
Not your house, Darren.
There.
I got it.
I shut off the Water Main, "Dim Rod.
" You! Oh, hey, Sis.
Hey, did you take off your shoes? You better run! Darren! Darren! Dad, I'm Right now, we just got to get this mess cleaned up.
There's plenty of time later for me to tell you, what a big Bonehead you are.
You're a really big Bonehead.
Turns out I had time for both.
Stand back, Stitch, or, so help me, I will split your ends! You are so irresponsible, Darren.
You take advantage of me time and again, and I am so sick of it! You and I are supposed to be taking care of Grandpa together.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
But I was the victim here.
I mean, look at this house.
It seduced me.
Oh, you got seduced by a house.
Really? You got seduced by a house? What was it? Was it the Indoor Hot Tub? Oh, my God! There is, an Indoor Hot Tub? Seats 8.
I'm only human.
Okay I admit, this place is amazing, But you, you still owe me.
What can I do to make it up to you? I have an idea.
You were right, Dad.
I know.
About what? Uh pretty much everything.
I was trying to fly before I could walk.
It's no big deal.
You just got to learn to stop believing in yourself.
I'll call a Beachwood-approved electrician.
And plumber.
And another handyman.
What the hell were you thinking, pulling a stunt like that? - You could've killed yourself.
- I Wish I did.
Would've been faster, than being disappointed to death.
I get it.
I'm not the Fix-It man you are, and I never will be.
You never would've lost Beachwood like I did.
Well, whatever.
It's water under the bridge.
Let's just go.
Whoa.
whoa.
You never told him? I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't know what you're talking about, either.
- You never told him about your Beachwood job? - Quiet, woman! I thought you never worked here.
Damn it, Terry.
I had the upper hand.
This is your Dad's first and only Beachwood job.
The plans were very confusing.
Really? I'm pretty sure the pipes are supposed to be on the inside.
- Stand next to it.
I want to take a picture.
- One mistake.
And I'm kicked out of Beachwood for the next 30 years.
One mistake? I made a few mistakes early in my career, but I learned from them.
And? And I guess you're entitled to make a couple of mistakes, too.
And I will learn from them, Dad.
Okay.
So I guess that's pretty good.
Now, I'm gonna take a picture of myself.
- You want in it? - Yeah.
Here's to Squatter's Rights.
Mmm.
Now, your, uh Your Grandpa's not gonna pop out of one of these jets, is he? Mnh-Mnh.
No, no, no.
Tonight, you have me all to yourself.
Mm-hmm.
What is going on here?! Who Hey, you told me this was your house.
Shh.
I thought we had a whole Cardio Regimen in place.
Your blood pressure hasn't improved at all.
There's the look.
I hate the look.
- There's no look.
- Oh, my God.
Look, Doctor, um, I just want you to know that I I tried.
You know, you just don't know what I'm up against here.
He's stubborn.
He doesn't listen.
- Like yesterday - Sitting right here.
- You know I can't do this again, Terry.
No, I just I have a lot of other patients, So, Tony, if I could just get a Urine sample, to test your Glucose Levels, we can wrap this up.
Give me that.
I need some kind of victory here.
Hope I'm not pregnant.