Family Tree (2013) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Monkey: Well, I think at a kids' party we should address some of the real issues they have to deal with these days.
What sort of things, Monkey? Monkey: Well, like drugs, you know.
Kids are younger and younger when they're taking drugs.
I just wanted to warn you that that stuff that you get on the street is really strong these days, you know? It's no longer the lovely, quiet approach to a high.
I recommend mushrooms 'cause you can do that incrementally.
Well, I don't take any drugs myself.
Of course she does.
No, I don't.
I don't.
She's in denial, but fortunately, I have access to the truth.
Bea: We would talk about that maybe a bit, and then I've got this section called "Ask Monk.
" They can just ask me anything, you know? Anything they want.
Like you know, maybe one kid wants to know is his dad gay I don't know.
Why do you say that? Is it because of this guy? No! No, not you, of course.
- Monkey: He does look gay.
- Bea: Not at all.
Monkey: It's the hair.
And then you know, or anything.
Or maybe "My mother's frigid," I don't know.
"Maybe she wants to have other kids, but she found out she can't," that kind of shit.
I'm not saying that about you either.
Monkey: Although you have that look about you.
And then we can maybe end on a song, you know? Something something jolly.
- Nursery rhyme.
- Old MacDonald had a wank Something like that, yeah.
Have we yet mentioned that our son is five? Yes, yes.
We're not really sure that your act is necessarily age-appropriate.
We just wanna keep it real, you know.
I think kids need a warning these days.
Not that real, though, 'cause I saw your lips move.
- I'm sorry? - While you were doing the "MacDonald" song.
- You didn't see my lips move.
- They didn't move.
It was on the word it was the "Donald," the "MacDonald.
" Okay, at least I have lips.
- Monkey: He doesn't have "lits.
" - Shut up.
People who don't have lips don't have lips.
- Anyway, your monkey's rude.
- Oh? Yeah? I'm not rude.
Monkey: Fuck you.
I'm not rude.
Sorry.
Fucking fuck you, you frigid cunt.
- So what was the problem? - Bea: They just looked at me like I was this disgusting thing, you know? Monkey: I was doing them a service.
These kids today, they need a warning.
Tom: Bingo one, two, three dead Chadwicks.
I guess this is the Chadwick family plot.
Yeah.
I've never seen these gravestones before.
Hmm Granny and Granddad.
Victoria, this is all your fault that we're doing this little journey.
I mean, we'll be here someday.
I know.
I'll visit you and bring you flowers and soup.
Wait, why am I dead first? 'Cause you've got less to live for, I think.
Bea: We're off.
Tom: Yeah, I mean, I can't remember a lot about my grandparents, Lydia and William.
Um I mean, we were very young.
- Bea: Yeah.
- And what a way to go in a hot air balloon.
Bea: It's doubly tragic, isn't it? Monkey: Supposed to be so uplifting.
But then we were never allowed balloons at our birthday parties.
- You know? - If a balloon popped in the house - That's why that was! - Yeah.
That makes I never put those two together.
- Yeah.
- I do remember their funeral.
Like, it was a celebration, really, more than anything else.
- We did a song.
- We did.
We sang something.
- The Bee Gees, was it? - The Beatles.
- Wasn't it? - Was there? Oh, I don't remember.
I thought it was "Staying Alive," but it couldn't have been.
- "Staying Alive" by the Bee Gees.
- Was that it? - Yeah.
- That rings a bell.
( clicks ) That's very cool.
Cool.
"Winner of the bronze medal, Mister" Why did I say bronze? If I'm making it up, just make it gold.
Tommy, have you noticed any change in personality in me lately? No, no, you seem pretty "compos mentis.
" Hmm.
That's one of the symptoms.
- Of what? - Mad Cow Disease.
- You think you have Mad Cow Disease? - Not sure.
I've got a couple of other symptoms, but I found this in the trunk.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Yeah, look at that.
Haven't seen one of those for a while.
That's a beauty.
That's from the 1948 London Games.
That's right.
It says that.
Oh, yes the "Austerity Games," they called it.
- Oh.
- Yeah, it had almost no budget at all.
- Oh.
- First poster? Three rings.
- Holy moly, that's a lot less, isn't it? - Yep.
I've got some stuff from that event - somewhere here we go.
- Yeah, I found some pictures and stuff with it, - but I don't know - Look at this.
Take a gander at this, Tommy.
- Shoe no spikes.
- Oh.
They thought they were gonna have to jettison the javelin.
That's what they were going for.
- Darts.
- Darts.
And here we go, the discus plates.
( chuckles ) Really? - Yeah.
- That's all right.
Do you know what else I found was an old record, but I don't have the app for that.
Ah, yes.
Well, I've got a gramophone at home.
- I'll give it a whirl and get back to you.
- Thanks.
Hey, do you think there's any way that I could find out if the person who wore this is related to me? Apart from a DNA test, I suppose there's one quick way.
( sniffs ) - What you're gonna smell me.
- ( sniffs ) - Hi, Dad.
- Oh, hello, darling.
- It's my daughter Lucy.
- Hi, how are you? Lovely to see you.
Give your old man a big kiss.
- Do you know Tommy? - Yes.
- We've met, I think.
- Mr.
Pfister: He lives upstairs.
I've spent many the afternoon - enjoying your delicious cakes.
- Oh, good.
Well, you should try this 'cause Dad can't eat the whole thing.
Yum, yum.
It's good, it's moist.
It's a nice moist cake.
- I'll bet.
- Yeah.
How's the wedding planning going? Um well, it's kind of not, really.
Oh, shit, I just brought up something really bad, didn't I? No, no, it's fine.
I'm over it well, I'm not over it, but I'm, you know, I'm doing okay.
- Yeah.
- We split up about two weeks ago.
It's tough, isn't it? It's tough.
Yeah, because I came out of a thing as well.
- Oh, so you're single? - Yeah, it was like, weird.
It's hard coming out of yeah, it's tricky because you're so close, aren't you? Yeah.
Yeah, you are.
Then suddenly, you wish that they had never been born.
- So it's tough.
- Oh, really? You're not really friends, then, or anything? - No, we are not, Lucy.
- No? - Gosh.
- Tom: Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm really enjoying the life of the single man.
Ahem.
Obviously, in the aftermath of Sarah moving out, there was quite a void.
But, you know, I've realized that not all voids are bad.
I've been reading this book, "Wonders of the Solar System" kind of thing, and there's a chapter on black holes.
And they are, in essence, a void.
But they expand, sucking different celestial bodies and debris into the vast darkness from which not even sunlight can escape.
And then they implode on themselves.
Exciting day today.
I managed to find Victoria's will online, which is kind of creepy.
But it does mean that I discovered that she left her flat to an old friend of hers called Mildred Budgens.
So I'm gonna go in and see her and hopefully find out more about William and Victoria and convince her to swap what she got in the will for what I got in the will.
( chuckles ) So I'm just gonna Pete's coming along, which is we should be eager to get in.
( whistling ) Tommy! All right, just leave it.
Someone's dropped a lighter.
- You don't smoke.
- No, but I like fire.
- And it works.
- Oh, that's good.
( doorbell rings ) ( door buzzes ) - Right.
That's yours.
- Ah, thank you.
You want a glass, or would you like it? No, if you're going straight from the bottle, straight down the gullet.
I like your style.
Whoa! With this Old Bomber's gob you are spoiling us, Mildred.
- Cheers.
- Pete: Cheers.
- Mmm.
I respect your taste in beer.
- Thank you.
And I must say, I respect your taste in art.
I don't know a lot about art, but I know what I like.
And I like pictures and models and posters of them all these.
Tom: Yeah, stripped-down, naked art.
I like it.
I like it, too.
Mildred: Well, it was Victoria's taste.
Maybe it runs in the family.
Saucy.
Well, we were both evacuated to the same boarding school, right out in the sticks.
- Tom: Wow.
- Mildred: In a sea of mud we were, - and we loved it.
- This was World War II? Yes.
Have a heart.
- Yeah, yeah.
- God's sake.
Anyway, she was very, very energetic.
It was always physical, everything we did.
And one summer day she took me back to her home, - and I met her family.
- Oh, yeah? How were they? - Well, varied.
- Yeah.
She was very close to her older brother, William, - and they were a lot alike.
- Sorry, you said her older brother? She only had one brother.
No, William and Brian.
She had two brothers.
Brian? She had another brother called Brian? Victoria had two brothers.
Oh, my God.
I didn't know that.
One that could do no right, and one that could do no wrong.
- That was William.
- I found in the trunk that Victoria left for me a vest, and it looks like it's part of the Great British team from the '48 Games.
That would have been William's.
That was your grandfather's.
So he was actually in the Games? - He was in the British team? - Oh, yes.
- Well, he was a boxer.
- I have a picture of him.
I have a picture of him boxing.
- It must be him.
- Yes, it is.
It's your grandfather.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry that he skipped a generation.
- That's impressive.
- It's very impressive.
- He was called the "Tufton Terror.
" - Tom: Right.
After the village they grew up in in Derbyshire.
But Victoria, now, she was a real athlete.
She had a very special way of doing the shot put.
She invented a special way of throwing.
It was called the "Chadwick Chuck.
" - Oh.
- And, boy, did she chuck it.
And she was much better at it than anybody else, but nobody else could do what she did, so they said it was illegal.
Did you stay friends, then, for years after that? - Oh, yes.
- Must have been friends, right? - Every year we went somewhere.
- There's loads of pictures with you.
We went on holidays together, we went 'round the world together.
- Nice.
- We went to the East I'll bet the two of you were beating them off with a stick.
Victoria got attention from everybody.
Bet you had your fun with the lads.
One in every port.
- Couple of chicks like you.
- She always attracted interest.
And so we moved in together, and very happy it was, too.
- You moved in together? - Yes.
Did you ever settle down with one lad? Who needs it? You know what? Two girls, just Why not have a taste of them all? - Would you like another beer? - I'm good with this one.
- Shut 'em up.
- What? What? So I was wondering, Mildred, if you'd have any idea why Victoria left me that big trunk of stuff.
Do you remember no, you wouldn't probably when you and your sister used to come and visit her - when you were little? - Um not really.
She took a great shine to you.
She thought you were a very bright little boy.
You were interested in everything.
So she always kept you in her mind.
And just before she died Vic said that she hoped you might be the one to carry it on.
- Carry on with what? - I don't know.
I will.
I have some things here that I think Vic would have liked you to have.
- Oh, more stuff.
- I've kept them all these years.
First, your grandfather's boxing gloves.
- Oh, my God.
- They are awesome.
- Look at that! - That's cool.
These were in the London Games.
This is your grandfather's jockstrap.
( laughs ) - I'm sure she'd like you to have that.
- Just put it on the glove.
- Yeah.
Love that.
- There we go.
This is the prize of all.
This is Victoria's shot put.
I can't lift the damn thing, but she used to chuck it.
Don't worry, I'll get that.
Come on, you - ( thumps ) - Ow! You all right there, Pete? Shit the bed.
Shh.
This is what happens when siblings procreate.
Amazing, the things you hang on to.
Yeah.
You're gonna enjoy this.
There you are.
That's your granddad.
- Wow! - Oh, my God! Okay, this is his gym membership card? The "Jack Perry Gymnasium"? - Yeah.
- So he was a really good boxer? - Don't really know.
- They called him the "Tufton Terror.
" Yeah, yeah, I suppose.
Do you remember him being really strong? Hitting you as a kid? No, he wasn't terribly physical at all.
Rather distant, you know.
- How about Brian? - Oh, Christ.
- You know who Brian is? - Yeah, yeah.
Now, this would have been useful.
Look, I never met him until my dad's funeral.
- Right.
- He showed up, the last minute, pinned some sort of carnation or something on my dad's lapel scarpered.
Never saw him again.
Do you know what happened to him after that? No.
Never gave it much thought.
Really? This is your uncle.
Well, look.
You got to understand.
In our clan, family is what disappears when you're not looking at it.
That's not a saying.
I don't think that's a saying.
- Bea: No.
- Well, it is now.
Okay, well, this has been informative.
- And these are good.
- Do you want to keep any of this? Yeah, let's have a look at these gloves.
Yeah.
It's a nice memento.
Monkey: It's quite an object, isn't it? Look at it.
Think of the sweat and effort in those.
- Oh.
- Monkey: Oh, yeah.
I like it.
I feel its pain.
The whole hand thing.
I just wondered, maybe you and I could go on holiday Monkey, I don't think now's the time.
I'd take you South of France.
Monkey, please.
I'm so sorry about this.
No, I wish I could say this is the first time I've seen him fuck a glove.
- Oh, shit! - Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
You're not gonna light up, are ya? - Tom: There we go.
Cheers.
- Good to see you, Tommy.
- Yeah.
- Bea, Monk.
Ding-a-ling-a-ling! Your attention, please.
- Tell them.
- Monkey and I have got a professional gig.
- Doing what? - We're doing 20 minutes - Of comedy.
- At a wedding reception.
- Entertainment? - Bea: Uh-huh.
We're gonna do it.
- ( chuckles ) - Bea: What? - Why are you laughing? - Monkey: Why are you laughing? What are you doing with your life? What's this about? - I think it's great.
- Yeah, we wanna be supportive.
Are you gonna be using your own name? - Yes, I am.
Yes.
- Problem with that? No, no, no.
Wear it with pride.
- I'll let you know how it goes.
- Okay, yeah, yeah.
- Bea: Oh, my goodness.
- Lovely.
Okay, yeah.
- Monkey: Watch this space.
- I'll find out.
Bea: See you soon.
Oh, my Christ.
( man speaking within ) ( speaking strong Jamaican Patois ) Tom: Hi there.
Hi.
- TJ? - Tom? - Yes.
- Yeah, welcome, Tom.
- Thank you.
- My gym, this.
I train here long time.
10 years.
Oh, wow.
Wanna know about the gym? You see there? We have Briggid there.
Briggid there fire.
Huh? ( speaking strong Jamaican Patois ) - Know what I mean? - ( chuckles ) There we have Eddie.
You see him there? "Eddie "Executioner.
" You know what I mean? "Executioner"? Is it because he killed somebody? Yeah, man.
He killed everyone.
- Aw, that's great.
- And there I have Jack Perry there.
Oh, Jack yeah, I saw that this is called the Jack Perry This gym, here, is named after Jack Perry.
The special thing about Jack Perry him have one arm.
- He had only one arm? - Yeah.
( speaking strong Jamaican Patois ) ( laughs ) You said it.
You want to meet some of the boxers that used to be here? - Great.
- Cool, man.
Come now.
Oh, we're going yeah? They're the men, them.
We have Barry Booker, we have Jimmy Pickwick, that's Terry Cross there.
- Hey, everybody.
- Tom, this one.
Thanks, TJ.
Cheers.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you.
- Hey, how's it going? - Jimmy: Morning.
Oh, you know, I better not.
I'm actually here because I think my grandfather trained here.
He was a bit of a boxer.
His name was William Chadwick.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Tom: You ever heard of yeah? - Billy Chadwick? - Sure, why not? Yeah.
- What did you call him? - The "Tufton Terror.
" - That's it.
- Yeah.
- He used to spar with my Uncle Jack.
- Tom: No way! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Before the London Games, he sparred with my Uncle Jack.
That's right, before he was in the London Games.
- In '48? - That's right! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you remember anything from back then? It was just after the war.
Nobody there was no money.
Nobody knew what resources there were gonna be.
We didn't know what games they were gonna have.
Barry: We trained at all sorts of things.
Terry: I remember the egg-and-spoon, 'cause eggs was rationed.
- Terry: The sack race.
- Tom: The sack race? - Yeah.
- Barry: Tug of war.
Tom: Wow, that was different, wasn't it? Do you know if William actually won a medal at the Games? - Oh, no.
- Tom: No? No, no.
He lost the first bout.
He went out boom.
- Yeah.
- Big disappointment.
Big disappointment.
Pete: Oh, sorry.
Sorry I'm late.
One of the guinea pigs broke out of its cage.
Ended up in the ball pool.
Bit a kid.
Not funny, 'cause the kid had to have a tetanus shot, and I had to put the animal down.
- This is Pete.
- Hi.
You all right, lads? - Hi, Pete.
- How you doin'? Whoa! ( speaks gibberish ) Nice move, bintz.
That's fine.
Professional.
Feeling irie and t'ing.
You all right? Nice hat.
Hat brothers.
- Oh, please don't do Rasta.
- Brothers from another mother.
Yeah, listen, I was just wondering.
I'm more of an M.
M.
A.
man myself.
Like, I got Muay Thai skills, B.
J.
J.
I'm sick off my back.
But, you know, when in Rome, why not do what the Romans do and box? Go old school.
Kingsberry rules.
- Queensberry.
- Pete: These guys know.
You got anyone I can have a little roll-around not a big one with tattoos, but you got any little lads that I can have a little muck-around with? - Not afraid? - Yeah, no, I'm - You're not afraid? - No, I'm not afraid.
- Come.
- That's right.
Man gotta brave heart.
We gonna run dis t'ing.
We gonna do dis t'ing.
- Tom: Oh, shit.
- Pete: Now.
Some man's gonna get lick in the headpiece, boxing style.
- I'm with him.
Yes! - Barry: Who is that? That's Pete Stupples.
He works at a zoo.
- Or in? - Yeah, good question.
Barry: I'll tell you something, though.
Once the Games got up and started, you know the best thing about them was listening to them on the wireless.
- It was real.
- Terry: Of course it was, yeah.
Pete: Let's do dis t'ing! Let's do dis t'ing! That rope's they're usually tighter than that.
Someone could get hurt.
That's fine, anyway.
Ooh-oo! ( grunts, coughs ) Wait! He took one there.
I think he was doing it properly.
Okay, fine.
If we're doing it properly, that's cool.
I'm back.
Oof! Ugh! Ugh! TJ: He killed the boy on that.
- And he's down.
- Jimmy: Dear, oh, dear.
- TJ: Good work.
- Pete: Hey, you - ( Pete moans ) - You all right, Pete? Pete: No.
Just keep going, Pete.
You'll wear him down.
What?! Mum? Mum? ( sitar music playing ) ( laughter ) ( English accent ) All right, Mum, Dad? 'Ow's it 'anging? It is not 'anging at all well right this minute, Sunil.
( laughs ) Love that bit.
Why is funny? - Why is it funny? - Yes.
She's putting marmalade on a poppadom.
Why is funny? It's sort of a culture clash thing.
Chitra: Do you think we have never heard the excuse - ( doorbell rings ) - "The cow ate my homework"? Keith: Thanks.
Vikram: You cannot be blaming a sacred animal, Sunil.
Be a man and admit that you have made a very big cock-up on your teacher at school.
( Keith laughs ) Luba: Is Tom.
- Hello, Tommy.
How are you, then? - Hey.
He smell food.
You hungry? - I see your face.
- No, I'm not.
I just had "Luba, I hungry.
I hungry.
" You eat.
I just had a whole box of fish fingers.
- You're on your own again tonight, aren't you? - What? You're alone again tonight.
You're not seeing anyone, are you? ( stammering ) I see I'm not seeing like, not seriously, no.
Don't you like to go out? Don't you like to take a girl out, - show her the town? - I love to do that.
But it's tricky out there.
It's not like when you were Women are scary now.
They're no different than they were when I was young.
Oh, yes, they are, with their hair and their thoughts, and It's really time you settled down.
Found a nice girl and settled down.
I'll do what I can, okay? But listen, in the meantime, I have some amazing new information on the search.
You know, it's great to have a hobby, Tommy.
All right, you can look at it.
- It very pretty.
- Keith: What's this now? - Squiggle, squiggle.
- Tom: Squiggle indeed.
- What's this about? - It's a birth certificate for Mr.
Charles Chadwick, my great-great-grandfather, your great-grandfather.
We went to his gravestone.
Can I just show Dad for a second? You can look at the squiggles in a second.
Turns out he wasn't born in England.
Check out where he was born.
- Greensboro, Maryland? - He's American! - The USA? - We are American.
- I'm a Yank? - Another reason for you to hate the French.
- ( music playing ) - ( man whistling ) ( music stops ) Bravo, bravo.
( speaking Greek ) Bea Chadwick and Monk! ( applause ) Hello.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hello, everybody.
Thank you so much for having us.
What a beautiful wedding.
I'm going to introduce you to my oldest friend, and he's a talking monkey.
Monkey? Here he is.
And he speaks.
Say hello.
- Hello.
- There we are.
So, you look very beautiful.
Yes.
What's that money stuck to her dress? - That's unusual.
- Monkey: Yes.
Monkey: Kind of like a stripper.
Good Lord.
- That's half of Greece's economy.
- Bea: Thank you.
Monkey: So, let's just chat a little.
This is a Greek wedding.
- Bea: Indeed.
- And it's nice to see you here, despite the economic downfall.
I hear that the suicide rates are really climbing in Greece right now.
But you're going to have a lovely time, I hope, this evening.
And it's lovely to see the monk there at the back.
Not that we're fans of religion.
No, not really.
No.
I think religion is responsible for so many atrocities in this world.
But this one seems to me fairly innocuous.
Monkey: You say that, but all ancient religious dogma has its effects.
Not to mention female circumcision.
Yes, which is awful, so So, yeah, enough of that.
And oh, gosh.
I feel a bit funny.
- You feeling okay? - I feel a little bit strange.
Thank you so much, the bride and groom.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
( clapping ) Bea: I think it went well.
- Well, you know, not well.
- Not well at all.
But certainly for a first gig Or for any gig.
It was a total and outright failure.
I think it no, I don't think so.
I mean, looking out at all the faces, - the happy faces - They weren't happy faces.
God, she's in denial.
I felt no, but they were happy - as a family, it seemed.
- What do you mean? Well, it just felt like to be in a room with such a big family, it sort of felt that maybe Tom's onto the right track looking into family.
I don't know.
Well, what do you think he'll achieve? Well, maybe we'll feel some sort of connection.
I don't know.
I don't know.
It just struck me.
I need a drink.
Yeah, let's get a drink.
When I found you, I found myself I was gonna love you like nobody else But I never really had a clue How to love a girl like you Two true believers, we devised A temporary paradise Now our future's in the past I should have known It wouldn't last I should have been a better man You could have been a better friend I'm alone, but that's okay I guess the dice Just rolled that way.