Fantasmas (2024) s01e03 Episode Script
Toilets
1
[TV STATIC DRONES]
[BRIGHT TONE]
So we found it strange that we
were making toys in February.
We thought, toys in February?
Since when?
The Christmas holiday just happened.
It was odd.
But then we realized
what we were making.
- And what was that?
- Objection.
Relevance?
Overruled.
It was a toy.
It was a forgive me.
It was a sex toy.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
♪
Please state your last name.
Claus.
First name.
Mrs.
How would you characterize
your relationship
with the plaintiff?
He's an elf. He's one
of my husband's elfs.
Elfs? Elves?
I don't know. Sorry. [CHUCKLES]
He's one of many. Sorry.
- It's OK.
- Phew.
[CHUCKLES] I'm feeling a little nervous.
I'm more of a behind-the-scenes gal.
That's OK.
Do you know Dodo?
Yes.
We're all family.
That's what I thought,
at least, if you ask me.
Him and the other ones
would come over for dinner,
small parties, Christmas parties.
It's at one of these parties
where Dodo found a present.
He was instructed to
create, uh, a, uh, strap-on.
He alleges it was in your
home for personal use.
- Elves make the toys.
- My husband delivers the toys.
The toys are his responsibility.
And it's our responsibility,
as for all the presents,
that we ensure the quality
and we test them out ourselves.
I gladly tested it on
Santa for Christmas.
[CHUCKLES] Sorry.
Behind-the-scenes gal.
That's OK.
Dodo alleges elves are
made to work for free.
Not for free. No.
For the love of Christmas.
And can you share with us what Dodo said
at one of these parties?
He said and he was tipsy.
I'll give him that.
This one can sure drink a lot of eggnog.
He said, "God, I hate Christmas."
[GASPING, MURMURING]
I was devastated.
I still haven't
recovered, if you ask me.
And I think that's why
he's on this social justice
warrior kick.
He hates Christmas. Don't you?
Tell him the truth.
I don't like that Dodo.
He wants to cancel
Christmas, for Christ's sake.
OK, so you're interested
in corporeal service.
Yes.
You want to get rid of your body?
I would like to get rid of my body, yes.
OK, great.
Well, let me tell you
a little bit about us.
New Solutions Incorporated specializes
in mind upgrading services
and are certified by
official agencies nationwide.
- Our incorp
- Sorry, like the FDA?
No. Our let me finish.
Sorry.
Our incorporeal service can
free you of your daily bodily
ailments and discomforts.
"Without a body, I have
never felt more like myself."
Jonathan R., Brooklyn.
- I can read it
- "Service was fast and easy.
I left feeling better
than I had in years."
Sam K., Manhattan.
- Do you have oh.
- Do you have change for $20?
I just got some dumplings.
We're here to help people just like you
get rid of the burden of having a body.
You just float around.
It says here that you're
battling a skin disease.
Yes.
I'm actually a little
worried about this.
Oh!
Uh, I'm sorry.
It's really bad.
Um, but you don't have
to worry about that.
You don't have to worry about a thing.
You don't even have to worry
about getting an apartment
because you won't have a body.
You'll just be floating around.
- Like a ghost?
- Let me finish.
You will be floating
around like a freed mind.
And you ever feel, like, hungry,
or, after you eat food,
you're, like, bloated?
Um, sure. Yeah.
- Yes.
- See?
That wouldn't happen if we upload you.
Hey, I got to get this.
Hello? Yes, this is the real bank.
- Uh, I got a call saying
- Hey.
Hey, can you get this?
I gotta take it.
Oh, I don't know what the
Everything is in the brochure.
- Yeah? Mm-hmm.
- OK.
Uh, yes.
Yes, I'll just need your
full name and account number.
Right now, uh, we are offering
a promotional fee of $999 a month
because you are a
preferred, uh, customer.
That's nice.
Um, for for how long?
I told you this is a real bank.
Uh, initial 10-year commitment.
And if I stop paying, I
can just return to my body?
No. No, you can't.
Can't do it.
Just [SIGHS]
So, sorry, I guess the question is,
if I upload my
consciousness into the ether
and I become this
little light for a fee,
if I stop paying that fee,
where does my consciousness
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
- Go?
- Oh.
That's between you and your pastor.
We don't do that.
Well, uh, to sign you
up, we just need a
your credit card to put
on file and then a copy
of your proof of existence.
I don't I wait. I'm sorry.
I need to prove that I
exist so I can stop existing?
It'll be real fast. We'll swipe it.
All you need is proof. That's it.
You know, I don't have it
because I don't want it,
is the issue.
Wait, so
How do you have an apartment?
How do you take out a loan?
They're going to be asking for it
as soon as you're on the subway.
you never knew you needed until now!
I even heard you'll
need it to vote soon.
Toilets.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC]
Go back. [CLEARS THROAT]
It breaks my heart to see them naked,
undignified, shivering in the cold
as they swallow our daily filth.
That's why I've dedicated my life
to fashioning toilet dresses.
You see, every toilet is a she.
And she, she ought to be dressed.
[CHUCKLES] Go.
Yes, her favorite
holiday is Thanksgiving.
Mm. The turkey one.
And her?
Well, she woke up
early just to bake bread
with her two ugly daughters.
- [TOILET FLUSHES]
- Ah, ha.
Ah, daydreaming of a Hawaiian honeymoon
with a man she'll never meet.
[SIGHS]
What the hell are you doing?
Not the cowgirl.
She's private.
People are always asking me,
Denise, I tried to go to your website
and I couldn't find the online shop.
And I say, don't be an idiot.
I don't have an online shop.
You know that.
You have to call me personally at home
and you need to ask for a consultation.
Then I'll come to your home
when you least expect it,
but when it's convenient for me.
And I'll have a moment with your toilet.
Feel its skin. Hmm.
Feel its gurgles.
[GURGLING]
Hear it roar.
[FLUSHING]
She wants a sequined seat.
- Won't that hurt?
- Shh.
Babe.
I don't want to sit on sequins.
[CHUCKLES] "Won't that hurt?"
You are an idiot.
This one doesn't mind
being the other woman.
And her, I'm not ready to discuss.
My dedication to this cause began
back when I was a little girl.
[WHOOSHING]
I live alone with my grandmother,
so you know my childhood was excellent.
Put your pants up, you vile, vile girl.
My life is hard, and it's your fault!
I dump all my shit on you.
Thank you to my producers for
making that flashback happen.
Oh.
OK.
Well, don't make a whole show of it.
Just go.
Toilets need love.
Toilets didn't ask to be toilets.
Toilets need to be dressed,
and they need to look good.
But please don't call here and be asking
how much it costs, OK?
Just book a fucking consultation.
♪
Good night.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Bibo will get the door.
Skin cancer.
How long to kill?
Thank you, sir.
Keep the change.
How about this apartment?
No?
Oh, I've been there.
That's too small. But this one.
How about this?
Oh, Bibo, don't move.
Oh.
[PHONE RINGING]
I detect an incoming call.
Thank you, Bibo.
Hello?
Julio, may I speak to you?
- Right now?
- Can we talk?
No, no, sorry. No, not you.
Now's a good time for me,
and I need to tell you
- Yeah, this is he.
- Julio?
- Can I
- Julio, hello.
Hello?
Hello.
So was your mother a rice
cooker or a vacuum cleaner?
Angrysound.mp3.
[GROANS, WHIRS]
Oh, Bibo, relax.
- It's a human joke.
- OK, OK.
It was the venue. They
have a lead on the oyster.
If they find it, I can
get a biopsy, like, today.
What you need is an apartment.
No, what I need is to
know what I'm dealing with.
And I'll only know what I'm dealing with
if I can get the oyster.
Julio, I can't do this.
I can't spiral with you.
Remember when we were in college
and you thought you
had internal bleeding
because you were spitting blood,
but you just weren't flossing?
I I don't know why
you're bringing that up.
I don't know what that
has to do with anything.
This is nothing like that.
It it's just nothing
like the flossing.
This is just like that.
You always do this.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello? Vanesja.
Hello?
Your Chase Bank account
has been compromised.
Oh, no.
OK, I haven't found your
little golden oyster,
but I think I know where it might be.
Have you ever heard of Fufu's?
No.
Fufu's was the first
and only queer hamster
nightclub in New York City.
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
Fufu's was like Studio
54 meets Berghain,
but for gay hamsters.
It was the only space
that was just for them,
where they could walk
in, dance, misbehave,
and forget about the
tedious, endless loop
of their exercise wheels.
At Fufu's, you'd see
hamsters in fetish wear,
hamster couples eyeing
a third and disappearing
into a dark room, or arguing
about dropping the coke.
Where is it? Fuck!
I'm so stupid.
Babe, did you drop the coke?
Don't get mad.
There was no easier place to score drugs
- than at the Fufu's bathroom.
- So stupid.
Where is it? Where is the baggie?
I hear your boyfriend's toxic.
Want to make out with me?
They let me work the coat check.
Alex, chica!
Oh, my God. Hi!
So good to see you. Just one?
- Yeah, one item.
- It's $5.
Oh, my God.
I could buy more items
for that much money.
Fufu's was owned by a sweet
old queen named Pompolino.
He named the club after
his late partner Fufu,
who died at the hands of
a merciless seven-year-old
who forgot to feed him.
His new boyfriend, who was young
and power hungry, was named Coco
and had big plans for Fufu's.
We should do brunches in the day.
Bottomless mimosa brunch.
Babe, that's not what Fufu's is.
We should make it a chain,
open more Fufu's, and team up with
brands to do big sponsored events.
Do a bump.
- [SNIFFS] Sponsored events?
- [GROANS]
We should charge a really high cover
to make sure hamsters that come in
can afford the drinks. Come on, babe!
This is smart.
- Babe, Fufu was for family.
- Queer family.
You should do a bump.
Babe, I do not want more cocaine.
We should invite
Antoni from "Queer Eye."
We should invite Anderson Cooper.
[GASPS] We should invite Spock.
Which one's Spock?
Babe, he's a human.
Who cares? Humans are cool.
Do a bump.
Babe, Fufu would not have liked that.
Fufu's dead.
I had nothing to do with it,
no matter what the police say.
And I'm going to take this
place to the next level.
Fufu's turned into a CVS the next day.
That's so sad.
Anyway, the hamster CVS
is under the DJ booth.
I think your little oyster
might have rolled over there.
[WHIMSICAL CHIME]
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[SQUEAKING]
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
[SCANNER BEEPS]
- Following guest.
- Hey, hey. Hi, hi.
- OK, so my name is Julio.
- Uh-huh.
OK, I was wondering if
maybe you found a little
well, little for me,
but sizable for you
golden diamond-encrusted oyster.
- [SIGHS] An oyster?
- Yes.
Well, it's an earring in
the shape of an oyster,
- with diamonds.
- OK.
- Hey, Chips!
- Yes? Chips here.
Have you seen a golden
oyster with diamonds?
Hmm. Ah, yes.
- I can help you.
- Oh, yeah?
OK, a customer was here yesterday
saying he lost his sweater here.
[SQUEAKING]
Uh-huh.
So I brought out the lost and found,
and he saw exactly
what you're describing.
- The golden oyster, was it?
- Yes.
Yes.
And then the customer said, "oh, yes.
That's my sweater."
And I gave it to him.
What? And you just gave it to
[GROANS] Never mind.
What's his name?
[SQUEAKING]
And where does he work?
[SQUEAKING]
OK.
[TAPPING]
Why are you wearing that?
Not allowed to have phones in school.
I [SIGHS] I don't go here.
Then why are you here?
Because I'm waiting for class to be over
so I can yell at a hamster.
[DISTANT CHATTER]
Don't let him get to you.
Oh, I'm I'm OK.
I don't, um
Did you like school?
No.
Why?
Um, because it's a horrible,
oppressive, uh, environment.
Did kids make fun of you?
No. Um
Is it 'cause you're gay?
That's a maybe
like a symptom, but no.
I, um, I don't know.
Just different different priorities.
How do you mean?
I it's a little Oprah here.
I don't know.
I didn't like school because
it felt like a competition
to see who could fit in the most.
And I started at a deficit
and could never catch up,
no matter how hard I tried.
You see, my family
inherited a lot of debt
when my grandfather
died, and we had to move
just to avoid the debt collectors.
We couldn't have nice things.
The kids at school sniffed
out that something was off.
"Why does your car look like that?
Why do your clothes look like that?"
Until eventually I said, "Guess what?
Joke's on you. I don't want to fit in.
I don't want what you have.
I don't want to eat like you.
I don't want to look like you.
I don't want to think like you.
What? I didn't get invited to the party.
[SCOFFS] That party
isn't even on my radar.
I'm not at the bottom of the pyramid.
I'm not in the pyramid.
I'm not losing the race, idiot.
I'm not running at all.
I'm not even watching the race.
I'm over here, very
relaxed and highly at ease.
[VOICES ECHOING] I'm different.
I am my own thing.
I'm the exception."
So no, I don't need proof of existence.
What I need is my own
special, little quest.
So to me, this whole quest you're on,
this whole maze you've put yourself in,
it's all a distraction from
the brutal reality that,
like the rest of us,
you'll have to sacrifice
some of what you believe in,
some of your precious individuality
that became your armor to survive
in a system that hurt you.
You'll have to play by
its rules to some extent
to keep surviving this world.
And you know you're not sick.
You're just scared of facing
that the walls are closing in.
But what happens after the biopsy, huh?
[BELL RINGS]
What happens when you no longer
have this to face the world?
You're going to find some
other thing to distract you?
[DISTANT CHATTER]
[CHOIR VOCALIZING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Figaro?
Mm-hmm? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hi. What's up?
- Hand over the diamonds.
- Mm.
Wait, I'm sorry. Diamonds? Hmm.
Yeah, I don't know what
you're talking about.
Where is the oyster?
Oh, you mean my sweater.
OK. [CHUCKLES]
- That's yeah, yeah.
- Sure.
Where is it?
OK, it is coming back to me now.
That's nice.
Where is it?
Listen, sir, I'm still rattled
from a near-death experience.
[CHUCKLES]
Just get on with it, Figaro.
OK, relax. God. [CHUCKLES]
I lost the diamonds when
I had a close encounter
with hell's mouth.
That's what we call
toilets in my culture.
What is the issue?
The funds will be wired from Europe.
Hello?
Where are you?
I'm in a middle school bathroom
looking for the oyster.
[SIGHS] I have exciting news.
I just landed the client
zappos.com's streaming services.
They only do remakes now,
and they want you to
adapt the tooth fairy.
Something fun for the whole familia.
I already told them my idea.
So I hear you're looking for a
fun, family-friendly summertime
movie about the tooth fairy.
Well, you got it.
Uh, my idea would be a
story about addiction.
We find this young fairy alone,
shivering, cold and gaunt,
stealing quarters from his
father, a fairy plumber.
They live in a tree, but in their world,
this is sort of like a
tenement-style building.
Later, we learn that
he's stealing the quarters
in order to fund his addiction
human teeth, children's teeth.
The fairy dies at the end.
Is this movie going
to make a lot of money?
No, but [SCOFFS]
You didn't become an
executive to make money.
[COUGHS]
Mm, I think they want
something more palatable.
- [LINE BEEPS]
- Ugh.
Hold on, my little star.
Someone's calling.
This is the bank calling you regarding
some leaked photographs.
You again?
OK. Well, now back
to finding the oyster.
[GASPS]
[AMBIENT MUSIC]
♪
[GASPS]
[GASPS ECHOING]
I am the water.
I am here, but also there.
I am the water.
Rushing over here.
[VOCALIZING]
Cleaning over there.
Hydrating everywhere.
Ah.
Toilets make me dizzy.
What was your question?
I'm about to rain.
[ECHOING] Rain, rain, rain.
Oh, yes. Your oyster.
I felt it going down my
throat, through my very being,
and eventually to my sea.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
Hello?
God, I've been waiting for four hours.
- Hold, please.
- No!
- Do not fucking put me
- [LINE BEEPS]
I fucking hate Halloween.
Don't even get me started, girl.
Seeing those gross little kids
and their fake mermaid tails.
Hello, appropriation much?
Yeah.
Like, I don't want to see
your sad little sneakers
poking out of your green skirt.
Because that's what it is.
It's a skirt.
Like, that's not a tail, mama.
If you're going to commit to
the look, commit to the look.
Yeah.
And drag yourself from
door to door with your tail.
Or, like, make a papier maché
rock and have your parents,
I don't know, wheel you around.
Wait, that that's a really good idea.
That's genius.
- Should we make them?
- Yeah.
I can make a website.
I can design the logo right now.
[KEYBOARD CLICKING]
Oh.
But I feel like we should
make the product first.
OK, well, here we go again.
Should we be getting ahead of ourselves?
That's why you never get anything done.
Am I being, like, too much?
No, you're just pushing me
because you're a good friend.
You're a really good friend.
My therapist says I
need to stop drinking.
My therapist says you
need to stop drinking, too.
Shut up.
[SIGHS]
[PHONE RINGING]
Ugh.
Vanesja.
This is Vanesja.
Hello?
Your savings account
has been compromised.
Yes, I'm the real bank.
Yes, I'm the bank.
Enough.
Who does this?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello.
Um, Oscar, 42, Brooklyn, New York.
This is my dream for analysis.
Um
Uh, for some background information,
my sister and I own and
run an internet café.
Well, I'm in charge mostly.
She is now, uh, busy with new ventures.
We're in a substantial amount of debt.
You see, um, last summer,
I walked into our father.
He was passed out, and I had just
heard about a heat wave
warning on the radio,
so naturally I called an ambulance.
At the ER, the doctor said
he was just taking a nap,
but we got slammed with the bill
for the ambulance ride nevertheless.
Never mind that we
live a block away from
the hospital and spent
most of the 45-minute ride
looking for parking.
Ah, anywho, we owe a lot of money now,
so Vicky has a few side hustles.
She has a franchise for
this body uploading thing,
she sells Clinique
products, and makes some,
well, scam calls, all while
I run the internet café,
which, um, doesn't make a ton of money.
From my computer screen, I
can see the computer screen
of every customer's screen.
They're mostly checking their emails,
paying their bills, playing games.
But I have to keep an eye on anyone
watching pornography or
doing any risky activities.
And that is where the dream comes in.
In the dream, well, I was here
at work, sitting at my desk,
doing my job,
but this time I saw from my screen
that Vicky is looking
at this leather jacket.
And the jacket has this zipper,
this non-functional
zipper, and I am the zipper.
And the reviews all say, "Do not buy,
zipper does not open,
zipper just for decoration."
And I'm like, you know,
just because I'm a zipper
doesn't mean that I'm well, functional.
You have reached the
dream interpretation
24-hour hotline.
Your dream is not ready at this time.
Please check back again later.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
♪
[ECHOING] Proof of existence.
I hear troubled thinking.
What is it, my little star?
[SIGHS] I can't get a biopsy
because I haven't found
the little oyster, and I can't even
upload myself because even they
asked for proof of existence.
Proof of existence?
Oh, no.
Proof of existence is a new form of ID
at only $5 per month
that combines all
forms of identification.
Bibo, you have an Alexa in you?
Humiliating.
Now this I can use.
There's a huge market
for transsexualism.
OK.
Proof has teamed up with the government
to require this ID at bars,
airports, apartment leases,
loans, and venues by the end of the year
via proofreading machines,
which are to be installed
this month on public transit.
To get proof, you
must prove good credit,
employment history, et
cetera, or become an exception.
Wait, exception. Yes, that's me.
Exception.
To become an exception,
you must submit documents
of extraordinary ability,
such as mainstream fame,
as a household name like
Beyoncé or the Minions.
I know a job that can
help you achieve this.
But if you do it, you need to promise me
you'll use it to get an apartment
and not to upload yourself.
But what about the mole?
I have connections.
We could get it biopsied.
It could be a performance.
OK.
I'll I'll what's
the job? I'll do it.
I'll do it as long as I don't have
to succumb to that
horrible, horrible system.
So whatever this job is, I'll do it.
It's a credit card commercial
I won't do it.
targeting young
people called Ca-ching.
And you have to wear
a rainbow pride suit
and a sombrero.
Oh, my God.
And maracas.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
♪
[CHOIR VOCALIZING]
♪
[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC]
My name's Keto.
- Can we fuck?
- Hey, babe.
Two tequila sodas, one
vodka cran, and a seltzer.
All different tabs. Thank you.
No one wants to dance with me.
Happy fucking birthday.
Hope you're having a fucking great time.
- I'm too old for this.
- I shouldn't have come.
♪
[BRIGHT TONE]
[TV STATIC DRONES]
[BRIGHT TONE]
So we found it strange that we
were making toys in February.
We thought, toys in February?
Since when?
The Christmas holiday just happened.
It was odd.
But then we realized
what we were making.
- And what was that?
- Objection.
Relevance?
Overruled.
It was a toy.
It was a forgive me.
It was a sex toy.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
♪
Please state your last name.
Claus.
First name.
Mrs.
How would you characterize
your relationship
with the plaintiff?
He's an elf. He's one
of my husband's elfs.
Elfs? Elves?
I don't know. Sorry. [CHUCKLES]
He's one of many. Sorry.
- It's OK.
- Phew.
[CHUCKLES] I'm feeling a little nervous.
I'm more of a behind-the-scenes gal.
That's OK.
Do you know Dodo?
Yes.
We're all family.
That's what I thought,
at least, if you ask me.
Him and the other ones
would come over for dinner,
small parties, Christmas parties.
It's at one of these parties
where Dodo found a present.
He was instructed to
create, uh, a, uh, strap-on.
He alleges it was in your
home for personal use.
- Elves make the toys.
- My husband delivers the toys.
The toys are his responsibility.
And it's our responsibility,
as for all the presents,
that we ensure the quality
and we test them out ourselves.
I gladly tested it on
Santa for Christmas.
[CHUCKLES] Sorry.
Behind-the-scenes gal.
That's OK.
Dodo alleges elves are
made to work for free.
Not for free. No.
For the love of Christmas.
And can you share with us what Dodo said
at one of these parties?
He said and he was tipsy.
I'll give him that.
This one can sure drink a lot of eggnog.
He said, "God, I hate Christmas."
[GASPING, MURMURING]
I was devastated.
I still haven't
recovered, if you ask me.
And I think that's why
he's on this social justice
warrior kick.
He hates Christmas. Don't you?
Tell him the truth.
I don't like that Dodo.
He wants to cancel
Christmas, for Christ's sake.
OK, so you're interested
in corporeal service.
Yes.
You want to get rid of your body?
I would like to get rid of my body, yes.
OK, great.
Well, let me tell you
a little bit about us.
New Solutions Incorporated specializes
in mind upgrading services
and are certified by
official agencies nationwide.
- Our incorp
- Sorry, like the FDA?
No. Our let me finish.
Sorry.
Our incorporeal service can
free you of your daily bodily
ailments and discomforts.
"Without a body, I have
never felt more like myself."
Jonathan R., Brooklyn.
- I can read it
- "Service was fast and easy.
I left feeling better
than I had in years."
Sam K., Manhattan.
- Do you have oh.
- Do you have change for $20?
I just got some dumplings.
We're here to help people just like you
get rid of the burden of having a body.
You just float around.
It says here that you're
battling a skin disease.
Yes.
I'm actually a little
worried about this.
Oh!
Uh, I'm sorry.
It's really bad.
Um, but you don't have
to worry about that.
You don't have to worry about a thing.
You don't even have to worry
about getting an apartment
because you won't have a body.
You'll just be floating around.
- Like a ghost?
- Let me finish.
You will be floating
around like a freed mind.
And you ever feel, like, hungry,
or, after you eat food,
you're, like, bloated?
Um, sure. Yeah.
- Yes.
- See?
That wouldn't happen if we upload you.
Hey, I got to get this.
Hello? Yes, this is the real bank.
- Uh, I got a call saying
- Hey.
Hey, can you get this?
I gotta take it.
Oh, I don't know what the
Everything is in the brochure.
- Yeah? Mm-hmm.
- OK.
Uh, yes.
Yes, I'll just need your
full name and account number.
Right now, uh, we are offering
a promotional fee of $999 a month
because you are a
preferred, uh, customer.
That's nice.
Um, for for how long?
I told you this is a real bank.
Uh, initial 10-year commitment.
And if I stop paying, I
can just return to my body?
No. No, you can't.
Can't do it.
Just [SIGHS]
So, sorry, I guess the question is,
if I upload my
consciousness into the ether
and I become this
little light for a fee,
if I stop paying that fee,
where does my consciousness
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
- Go?
- Oh.
That's between you and your pastor.
We don't do that.
Well, uh, to sign you
up, we just need a
your credit card to put
on file and then a copy
of your proof of existence.
I don't I wait. I'm sorry.
I need to prove that I
exist so I can stop existing?
It'll be real fast. We'll swipe it.
All you need is proof. That's it.
You know, I don't have it
because I don't want it,
is the issue.
Wait, so
How do you have an apartment?
How do you take out a loan?
They're going to be asking for it
as soon as you're on the subway.
you never knew you needed until now!
I even heard you'll
need it to vote soon.
Toilets.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC]
Go back. [CLEARS THROAT]
It breaks my heart to see them naked,
undignified, shivering in the cold
as they swallow our daily filth.
That's why I've dedicated my life
to fashioning toilet dresses.
You see, every toilet is a she.
And she, she ought to be dressed.
[CHUCKLES] Go.
Yes, her favorite
holiday is Thanksgiving.
Mm. The turkey one.
And her?
Well, she woke up
early just to bake bread
with her two ugly daughters.
- [TOILET FLUSHES]
- Ah, ha.
Ah, daydreaming of a Hawaiian honeymoon
with a man she'll never meet.
[SIGHS]
What the hell are you doing?
Not the cowgirl.
She's private.
People are always asking me,
Denise, I tried to go to your website
and I couldn't find the online shop.
And I say, don't be an idiot.
I don't have an online shop.
You know that.
You have to call me personally at home
and you need to ask for a consultation.
Then I'll come to your home
when you least expect it,
but when it's convenient for me.
And I'll have a moment with your toilet.
Feel its skin. Hmm.
Feel its gurgles.
[GURGLING]
Hear it roar.
[FLUSHING]
She wants a sequined seat.
- Won't that hurt?
- Shh.
Babe.
I don't want to sit on sequins.
[CHUCKLES] "Won't that hurt?"
You are an idiot.
This one doesn't mind
being the other woman.
And her, I'm not ready to discuss.
My dedication to this cause began
back when I was a little girl.
[WHOOSHING]
I live alone with my grandmother,
so you know my childhood was excellent.
Put your pants up, you vile, vile girl.
My life is hard, and it's your fault!
I dump all my shit on you.
Thank you to my producers for
making that flashback happen.
Oh.
OK.
Well, don't make a whole show of it.
Just go.
Toilets need love.
Toilets didn't ask to be toilets.
Toilets need to be dressed,
and they need to look good.
But please don't call here and be asking
how much it costs, OK?
Just book a fucking consultation.
♪
Good night.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Bibo will get the door.
Skin cancer.
How long to kill?
Thank you, sir.
Keep the change.
How about this apartment?
No?
Oh, I've been there.
That's too small. But this one.
How about this?
Oh, Bibo, don't move.
Oh.
[PHONE RINGING]
I detect an incoming call.
Thank you, Bibo.
Hello?
Julio, may I speak to you?
- Right now?
- Can we talk?
No, no, sorry. No, not you.
Now's a good time for me,
and I need to tell you
- Yeah, this is he.
- Julio?
- Can I
- Julio, hello.
Hello?
Hello.
So was your mother a rice
cooker or a vacuum cleaner?
Angrysound.mp3.
[GROANS, WHIRS]
Oh, Bibo, relax.
- It's a human joke.
- OK, OK.
It was the venue. They
have a lead on the oyster.
If they find it, I can
get a biopsy, like, today.
What you need is an apartment.
No, what I need is to
know what I'm dealing with.
And I'll only know what I'm dealing with
if I can get the oyster.
Julio, I can't do this.
I can't spiral with you.
Remember when we were in college
and you thought you
had internal bleeding
because you were spitting blood,
but you just weren't flossing?
I I don't know why
you're bringing that up.
I don't know what that
has to do with anything.
This is nothing like that.
It it's just nothing
like the flossing.
This is just like that.
You always do this.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello? Vanesja.
Hello?
Your Chase Bank account
has been compromised.
Oh, no.
OK, I haven't found your
little golden oyster,
but I think I know where it might be.
Have you ever heard of Fufu's?
No.
Fufu's was the first
and only queer hamster
nightclub in New York City.
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
Fufu's was like Studio
54 meets Berghain,
but for gay hamsters.
It was the only space
that was just for them,
where they could walk
in, dance, misbehave,
and forget about the
tedious, endless loop
of their exercise wheels.
At Fufu's, you'd see
hamsters in fetish wear,
hamster couples eyeing
a third and disappearing
into a dark room, or arguing
about dropping the coke.
Where is it? Fuck!
I'm so stupid.
Babe, did you drop the coke?
Don't get mad.
There was no easier place to score drugs
- than at the Fufu's bathroom.
- So stupid.
Where is it? Where is the baggie?
I hear your boyfriend's toxic.
Want to make out with me?
They let me work the coat check.
Alex, chica!
Oh, my God. Hi!
So good to see you. Just one?
- Yeah, one item.
- It's $5.
Oh, my God.
I could buy more items
for that much money.
Fufu's was owned by a sweet
old queen named Pompolino.
He named the club after
his late partner Fufu,
who died at the hands of
a merciless seven-year-old
who forgot to feed him.
His new boyfriend, who was young
and power hungry, was named Coco
and had big plans for Fufu's.
We should do brunches in the day.
Bottomless mimosa brunch.
Babe, that's not what Fufu's is.
We should make it a chain,
open more Fufu's, and team up with
brands to do big sponsored events.
Do a bump.
- [SNIFFS] Sponsored events?
- [GROANS]
We should charge a really high cover
to make sure hamsters that come in
can afford the drinks. Come on, babe!
This is smart.
- Babe, Fufu was for family.
- Queer family.
You should do a bump.
Babe, I do not want more cocaine.
We should invite
Antoni from "Queer Eye."
We should invite Anderson Cooper.
[GASPS] We should invite Spock.
Which one's Spock?
Babe, he's a human.
Who cares? Humans are cool.
Do a bump.
Babe, Fufu would not have liked that.
Fufu's dead.
I had nothing to do with it,
no matter what the police say.
And I'm going to take this
place to the next level.
Fufu's turned into a CVS the next day.
That's so sad.
Anyway, the hamster CVS
is under the DJ booth.
I think your little oyster
might have rolled over there.
[WHIMSICAL CHIME]
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[SQUEAKING]
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
[SCANNER BEEPS]
- Following guest.
- Hey, hey. Hi, hi.
- OK, so my name is Julio.
- Uh-huh.
OK, I was wondering if
maybe you found a little
well, little for me,
but sizable for you
golden diamond-encrusted oyster.
- [SIGHS] An oyster?
- Yes.
Well, it's an earring in
the shape of an oyster,
- with diamonds.
- OK.
- Hey, Chips!
- Yes? Chips here.
Have you seen a golden
oyster with diamonds?
Hmm. Ah, yes.
- I can help you.
- Oh, yeah?
OK, a customer was here yesterday
saying he lost his sweater here.
[SQUEAKING]
Uh-huh.
So I brought out the lost and found,
and he saw exactly
what you're describing.
- The golden oyster, was it?
- Yes.
Yes.
And then the customer said, "oh, yes.
That's my sweater."
And I gave it to him.
What? And you just gave it to
[GROANS] Never mind.
What's his name?
[SQUEAKING]
And where does he work?
[SQUEAKING]
OK.
[TAPPING]
Why are you wearing that?
Not allowed to have phones in school.
I [SIGHS] I don't go here.
Then why are you here?
Because I'm waiting for class to be over
so I can yell at a hamster.
[DISTANT CHATTER]
Don't let him get to you.
Oh, I'm I'm OK.
I don't, um
Did you like school?
No.
Why?
Um, because it's a horrible,
oppressive, uh, environment.
Did kids make fun of you?
No. Um
Is it 'cause you're gay?
That's a maybe
like a symptom, but no.
I, um, I don't know.
Just different different priorities.
How do you mean?
I it's a little Oprah here.
I don't know.
I didn't like school because
it felt like a competition
to see who could fit in the most.
And I started at a deficit
and could never catch up,
no matter how hard I tried.
You see, my family
inherited a lot of debt
when my grandfather
died, and we had to move
just to avoid the debt collectors.
We couldn't have nice things.
The kids at school sniffed
out that something was off.
"Why does your car look like that?
Why do your clothes look like that?"
Until eventually I said, "Guess what?
Joke's on you. I don't want to fit in.
I don't want what you have.
I don't want to eat like you.
I don't want to look like you.
I don't want to think like you.
What? I didn't get invited to the party.
[SCOFFS] That party
isn't even on my radar.
I'm not at the bottom of the pyramid.
I'm not in the pyramid.
I'm not losing the race, idiot.
I'm not running at all.
I'm not even watching the race.
I'm over here, very
relaxed and highly at ease.
[VOICES ECHOING] I'm different.
I am my own thing.
I'm the exception."
So no, I don't need proof of existence.
What I need is my own
special, little quest.
So to me, this whole quest you're on,
this whole maze you've put yourself in,
it's all a distraction from
the brutal reality that,
like the rest of us,
you'll have to sacrifice
some of what you believe in,
some of your precious individuality
that became your armor to survive
in a system that hurt you.
You'll have to play by
its rules to some extent
to keep surviving this world.
And you know you're not sick.
You're just scared of facing
that the walls are closing in.
But what happens after the biopsy, huh?
[BELL RINGS]
What happens when you no longer
have this to face the world?
You're going to find some
other thing to distract you?
[DISTANT CHATTER]
[CHOIR VOCALIZING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Figaro?
Mm-hmm? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hi. What's up?
- Hand over the diamonds.
- Mm.
Wait, I'm sorry. Diamonds? Hmm.
Yeah, I don't know what
you're talking about.
Where is the oyster?
Oh, you mean my sweater.
OK. [CHUCKLES]
- That's yeah, yeah.
- Sure.
Where is it?
OK, it is coming back to me now.
That's nice.
Where is it?
Listen, sir, I'm still rattled
from a near-death experience.
[CHUCKLES]
Just get on with it, Figaro.
OK, relax. God. [CHUCKLES]
I lost the diamonds when
I had a close encounter
with hell's mouth.
That's what we call
toilets in my culture.
What is the issue?
The funds will be wired from Europe.
Hello?
Where are you?
I'm in a middle school bathroom
looking for the oyster.
[SIGHS] I have exciting news.
I just landed the client
zappos.com's streaming services.
They only do remakes now,
and they want you to
adapt the tooth fairy.
Something fun for the whole familia.
I already told them my idea.
So I hear you're looking for a
fun, family-friendly summertime
movie about the tooth fairy.
Well, you got it.
Uh, my idea would be a
story about addiction.
We find this young fairy alone,
shivering, cold and gaunt,
stealing quarters from his
father, a fairy plumber.
They live in a tree, but in their world,
this is sort of like a
tenement-style building.
Later, we learn that
he's stealing the quarters
in order to fund his addiction
human teeth, children's teeth.
The fairy dies at the end.
Is this movie going
to make a lot of money?
No, but [SCOFFS]
You didn't become an
executive to make money.
[COUGHS]
Mm, I think they want
something more palatable.
- [LINE BEEPS]
- Ugh.
Hold on, my little star.
Someone's calling.
This is the bank calling you regarding
some leaked photographs.
You again?
OK. Well, now back
to finding the oyster.
[GASPS]
[AMBIENT MUSIC]
♪
[GASPS]
[GASPS ECHOING]
I am the water.
I am here, but also there.
I am the water.
Rushing over here.
[VOCALIZING]
Cleaning over there.
Hydrating everywhere.
Ah.
Toilets make me dizzy.
What was your question?
I'm about to rain.
[ECHOING] Rain, rain, rain.
Oh, yes. Your oyster.
I felt it going down my
throat, through my very being,
and eventually to my sea.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
Hello?
God, I've been waiting for four hours.
- Hold, please.
- No!
- Do not fucking put me
- [LINE BEEPS]
I fucking hate Halloween.
Don't even get me started, girl.
Seeing those gross little kids
and their fake mermaid tails.
Hello, appropriation much?
Yeah.
Like, I don't want to see
your sad little sneakers
poking out of your green skirt.
Because that's what it is.
It's a skirt.
Like, that's not a tail, mama.
If you're going to commit to
the look, commit to the look.
Yeah.
And drag yourself from
door to door with your tail.
Or, like, make a papier maché
rock and have your parents,
I don't know, wheel you around.
Wait, that that's a really good idea.
That's genius.
- Should we make them?
- Yeah.
I can make a website.
I can design the logo right now.
[KEYBOARD CLICKING]
Oh.
But I feel like we should
make the product first.
OK, well, here we go again.
Should we be getting ahead of ourselves?
That's why you never get anything done.
Am I being, like, too much?
No, you're just pushing me
because you're a good friend.
You're a really good friend.
My therapist says I
need to stop drinking.
My therapist says you
need to stop drinking, too.
Shut up.
[SIGHS]
[PHONE RINGING]
Ugh.
Vanesja.
This is Vanesja.
Hello?
Your savings account
has been compromised.
Yes, I'm the real bank.
Yes, I'm the bank.
Enough.
Who does this?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello.
Um, Oscar, 42, Brooklyn, New York.
This is my dream for analysis.
Um
Uh, for some background information,
my sister and I own and
run an internet café.
Well, I'm in charge mostly.
She is now, uh, busy with new ventures.
We're in a substantial amount of debt.
You see, um, last summer,
I walked into our father.
He was passed out, and I had just
heard about a heat wave
warning on the radio,
so naturally I called an ambulance.
At the ER, the doctor said
he was just taking a nap,
but we got slammed with the bill
for the ambulance ride nevertheless.
Never mind that we
live a block away from
the hospital and spent
most of the 45-minute ride
looking for parking.
Ah, anywho, we owe a lot of money now,
so Vicky has a few side hustles.
She has a franchise for
this body uploading thing,
she sells Clinique
products, and makes some,
well, scam calls, all while
I run the internet café,
which, um, doesn't make a ton of money.
From my computer screen, I
can see the computer screen
of every customer's screen.
They're mostly checking their emails,
paying their bills, playing games.
But I have to keep an eye on anyone
watching pornography or
doing any risky activities.
And that is where the dream comes in.
In the dream, well, I was here
at work, sitting at my desk,
doing my job,
but this time I saw from my screen
that Vicky is looking
at this leather jacket.
And the jacket has this zipper,
this non-functional
zipper, and I am the zipper.
And the reviews all say, "Do not buy,
zipper does not open,
zipper just for decoration."
And I'm like, you know,
just because I'm a zipper
doesn't mean that I'm well, functional.
You have reached the
dream interpretation
24-hour hotline.
Your dream is not ready at this time.
Please check back again later.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
♪
[ECHOING] Proof of existence.
I hear troubled thinking.
What is it, my little star?
[SIGHS] I can't get a biopsy
because I haven't found
the little oyster, and I can't even
upload myself because even they
asked for proof of existence.
Proof of existence?
Oh, no.
Proof of existence is a new form of ID
at only $5 per month
that combines all
forms of identification.
Bibo, you have an Alexa in you?
Humiliating.
Now this I can use.
There's a huge market
for transsexualism.
OK.
Proof has teamed up with the government
to require this ID at bars,
airports, apartment leases,
loans, and venues by the end of the year
via proofreading machines,
which are to be installed
this month on public transit.
To get proof, you
must prove good credit,
employment history, et
cetera, or become an exception.
Wait, exception. Yes, that's me.
Exception.
To become an exception,
you must submit documents
of extraordinary ability,
such as mainstream fame,
as a household name like
Beyoncé or the Minions.
I know a job that can
help you achieve this.
But if you do it, you need to promise me
you'll use it to get an apartment
and not to upload yourself.
But what about the mole?
I have connections.
We could get it biopsied.
It could be a performance.
OK.
I'll I'll what's
the job? I'll do it.
I'll do it as long as I don't have
to succumb to that
horrible, horrible system.
So whatever this job is, I'll do it.
It's a credit card commercial
I won't do it.
targeting young
people called Ca-ching.
And you have to wear
a rainbow pride suit
and a sombrero.
Oh, my God.
And maracas.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
♪
[CHOIR VOCALIZING]
♪
[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC]
My name's Keto.
- Can we fuck?
- Hey, babe.
Two tequila sodas, one
vodka cran, and a seltzer.
All different tabs. Thank you.
No one wants to dance with me.
Happy fucking birthday.
Hope you're having a fucking great time.
- I'm too old for this.
- I shouldn't have come.
♪
[BRIGHT TONE]