Feel Good (2020) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
At the moment, David,
I have nine boyfriends.
And then, of course,
I also have my husband.
And none of them know about each other.
It's a full-time job.
I don't know how I always let this happen.
Well, Brenda,
this sounds like a textbook expression
of an addictive personality.
What does that mean, David?
Uh, people with addictive personalities
are impulsive.
They're sensation-seeking.
You may find
that this facet of your personality--
Facet.
- For God's sake.
- DAVID: Okay, Maggie.
You've talked about your daughter
in the group before.
How would you characterize that relationship?
Is it steady?
Consistent?
It's a mess.
She hates me. I need her.
Mae.
- Hello.
- DAVID: You've mentioned feeling
anxious about your girlfriend before.
Do you think there's some part of you that
enjoys or attracts intensity and drama?
Um, no,
we're actually very good right now.
It was stressful
and then now it's very good.
It's just the greatest love story
ever told, so it's incredibly chill.
Well, that's wonderful, darling.
Has she introduced you
to her friends then?
Uh, you can transform
a toxic relationship into a healthy one.
I've been with my partner, Stuart,
for 11 years
and we've had our difficulties.
He's entirely dependent on me financially.
[PHONE BUZZES]
But ultimately you've gotta settle in.
You can't just operate on adrenaline.
Wha-- I I gotta go.
Sorry, my uncle needs a lift to karate.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[MEN VOCALIZING]
Oh, my God.
I didn't think you'd actually come.
You said to come
as a matter of urgency.
Yeah, I ran home and then I ran here.
I ran like Tom Cruise.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna lose my job.
- What the fuck is wrong with me?
- Wait.
- Did anyone see you?
- Yeah, a kid saw me.
But guess what?
I told them I was a ghost
and they believed me.
- No. [LAUGHS]
- How are you?
- How's your day going?
- No, there's no time.
Wait. Why did you run home
before you ran here?
I got the dick.
I got a strap-on.
Oh, my God, great.
Can you put it on?
- Yeah, or you could.
- What?
I don't know. You could put it on.
You've never really worn it.
Yeah, I have, but I hold it in my hand
like a weapon, like it's the same thing.
- Is it the same thing?
- Mae, it really suits you.
- I don't think I'd suit a massive cock.
- MAE: I really think you would actually,
- but okay.
- George!
Joyce is there. That's good, yeah.
I was just fixing that, sorry.
It was a little squeaky,
like a mouse, so it's fixed.
- So, I've got the scoop.
- Okay, what scoop?
- Okay, you know the fit new PE teacher?
- Yeah.
You know how we said
we wanted to be the field
and let him be the sprinklers
and he could irrigate us
until we were fertile.
- Did I say that?
- He's single.
Praise the Lord!
He's single.
- May the best woman win.
- Okay.
[DEEP VOICE]
May the odds be ever in your favor.
[LAUGHS]
- The Hunger Games, George.
- Oh.
Well, I've got to go make
a papier-mâché model
of the female reproductive system, so
Well, great.
Okay, thanks, Joyce.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Oh, Mae, come on.
It's Joyce.
I don't talk to Joyce
about my personal life.
Okay. I'm gonna make you come,
then you can fuck me.
I don't think I can come, George,
'cause I'm not the one that gets turned on
from being in a closet,
if you catch my drift.
Look, how can you not think this is fit?
Okay, it's forbidden.
It's like the Montagues and the Capulets.
I've never seen Macbeth.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- Oh, my God.
No. Are you serious?
I'm so sorry.
I'll make it up to you. I'm sorry.
[ALTERNATIVE POP MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay, so who did the assignment
that I set on Friday?
Can you take out your papers for the test?
Close all the doors ♪
Turn off tonight
And let those thin ribbons of light ♪
[CAMERA CLICKS]
- Work their way ♪
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Try and remember what I've seen ♪
- [SNICKERS]
Raid upon eyes ♪
Thanks, everyone!
Bye, yep, see you tomorrow, yep!
Hello.
[EXHALES]
Mae, Mae, Mae, Mae, Mae.
Wait, wait, wait.
Can you go out the window?
I'll pick you up from your gig.
[BELL CLANGING]
[VOCALIZING IN FALSETTO]
Guys.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey!
That was the worst show
I have ever hosted in my entire life.
- What happened?
- I thought it was brilliant.
- I had a great time.
- You had your eyes closed the entire set.
What do you mean?
Mae. What the fuck?
Sorry, I just wasn't feeling it.
I don't know why I bombed so hard.
- Well, I do. It's obvious.
- What?
What's the common denominator
every time you bomb?
It's 'cause you're having some problem
or some argument with your girl--
GEORGE: Hello.
Nick, why have you stopped talking?
What's happening?
- Look come on. Let's go.
- Where are we going?
NICK: Mae. Excuse me.
NICK: Fuck!
Well, well, well.
So, well, how did it go?
Not good.
Very not good.
- I was insecure the whole time.
- I really like it when you're insecure
because you touch your hair a lot
and it's really fit.
Look, I'm really sorry about earlier,
okay, but I'm going to make it up to you.
How?
Sorry.
- What? Mae, stop apologizing. It's okay.
- Sorry.
I don't know what's wrong.
I'm so close.
I've been so close for like 45 minutes.
I'm not in a hurry.
Okay?
I just-- I might just have
to switch hands in a minute.
Oh, my God, no.
This is humiliating.
No, Mae, no.
It happens to everyone, okay.
Not to me.
I can usually come just from thinking
about the musical Chicago.
- Well, then it is my fault.
- No.
Look, why don't I just
go down on you again?
- Why don't I fuck you again?
- No, Mae, please, come on.
I really want you to come.
Okay?
Can you say that again?
But, like, in the voice of Susan Sarandon.
Um, okay. My
My name is Susan Sarandon.
- A little lower.
- [DEEP VOICE] My--
- Mmm.
- My name is Susan Sarandon
and I really want you to come.
- Yeah, that's good.
- Yeah?
Can you say more stuff?
Oh, my favorite role,
well, Thelma & Louise
- was a commercial--
- Okay, not about Thelma & Louise,
like stuff about me.
Oh, yeah.
Like can you tell me,
like, tell me
that you don't want me to come.
Um, I don't--
- In the voice of Susan Sarandon, please.
- Oh, okay.
My name is Susan Sarandon,
and if you come,
I will be absolutely furious.
Fuck, yeah.
- I will be so angry.
- How angry?
I will be so angry,
that I will close down
all the cinemas in the land.
- PHIL: Yeah!
- [WOMAN MOANING LOUDLY]
Oh, my God.
Is that Phil?
WOMAN: Oh, God!
What's wrong with me?
[MAE GROANS]
Mae, look at me.
Look at me.
Mae.
What would make you happy in this moment?
Okay, just say anything,
I won't be freaked out.
I want to do a role-play.
I want to do, like, a fit role-play
where, like, your parents
come around for dinner
and I get to meet them and then they leave
and then we bone fresh.
Uh, yeah, okay.
I really want to do a sexual role-play
that involves my parents?
Come on,
I've just completely lost my boner.
Okay, forget your parents.
What about your friends?
You know, like one friend,
say we're out,
we bump into one of your friends.
You're like,
"Hi, this is my girlfriend, Mae"
- and I'll jizz everywhere.
- Mae,
I'm really sorry,
I'm really tired. Can we
Can we just go to sleep?
Look, there's less litter everywhere.
Less graffiti,
lots of lovely little cafes
[LAUGHING]
Oh, my God!
Oh, look at that massive cock.
Oh, Hugh would love that.
If you have any questions,
my name is Chella Goble.
Would you like to come in
for some oolong tea?
- Yeah--
- No, actually, no, thank you.
Oh, what are you going to wear tonight?
I don't think
I can make it tonight, Binks.
What? George!
It's Hugh's birthday.
I know, I'm sorry. I really, I just
I'm just busy.
Because you're hanging out
with Jonathan Crenshaw? Just bring him.
It's really weird
that we haven't met him yet.
How are things going?
Um
They're not--
No, actually, it's fine. Yeah.
Babe, George, what's happening?
I can't make him come.
- What?
- No, Binky. No, I know.
He's really experienced and I
Maybe I'm bad in bed.
Just suck his dick. Is he gay?
My God, hilarious. Let's ask Chella Goble.
- No.
- Excuse me. Hi.
Um, my friend
can't make her boyfriend come,
so, what should she do, please?
Well, let me start
by thanking you for your candor.
- Well
- During sex, do you find yourself
taking a passive role?
Um, no, I go down on him loads.
What do you mean "passive"?
That's what sex is.
Um, lots of men enjoy
relinquishing control through anal play.
We have a huge range of strap-ons.
Strap-ons are disgusting.
- Oh, yeah.
- CHELLA: Okay.
What about a role-play scenario?
We have many costumes.
Okay, this is weird actually, I'm going.
George, can you buy
that massive cock for me?
- And I'll see you in the cafe.
- GEORGE: Okay.
Um
Can I have some of that oolong tea?
- Of course, yeah.
- Thank you.
Your friend's a real bitch.
GEORGE: Well, yeah. Yeah.
MAN: So funny.
- Oh, thanks. Thanks, man.
- It was great.
- You were good.
- Thanks.
Oh, my God.
It's you.
- Maggie's daughter.
- Yes.
- Lava.
- Laura.
My mum was high
when she named me Lava. I hate it.
I really like it.
What are you doing here?
Who are you here to see?
You said you were a comedian
so I looked you up.
- You looked me up?
- Yes. That's what I just said.
Okay, cool.
I wanted to ask you if you meant it.
About my mum being good.
I want to know.
Oh, my God.
She's the best.
She's my sponsor and she takes care of me
and she, like, helps me stay clean
and we do pottery together.
She wants to meet up.
I really think you should.
She's, like, my rock.
Thanks.
See you around.
Okay, bye.
Is that true what you said onstage?
You can't come?
Yeah.
I think I have some problem.
I should go to the doctor, but
- What makes you think it's your problem?
- What do you mean?
If you were my girlfriend,
I'd make you come in under a minute.
Uh
[ALTERNATIVE BALLAD PLAYING]
[WOMEN VOCALIZING]
George, I think we need to talk about--
Oh, my God!
What is happening?
I'd love to talk, Mae,
but I'm afraid you're under arrest.
- No. Really?
- Oh, yeah.
- What for?
- For war crimes.
No. For being actually too fit.
Too fit for the streets.
- Cool.
- You're a danger.
Can I speak to my lawyer?
Um
Oh. No, you can't, actually.
No, because he's actually got a day off,
thank you, for personal reasons.
Oh, what personal reasons?
'Cause his kid's got ALS.
- No!
- No.
George, we need to talk, I think.
No, sorry, my name isn't George, Mae.
- What is your name?
- My name is Detective Parks.
- Detective Rosa Parks.
- No.
Oh, my God, Mae.
I spent £300 on this uniform.
And look.
I mean
- It's too big.
- But
Look, I just think
I really need you to, like,
just be my girlfriend.
Oh, I am your girlfriend.
Yeah, you are
when we're alone in this apartment,
but I don't want to just exist
in this apartment
and it feels like you want
to keep me here, like Rapunzel.
- Fit.
- Not fit. I don't want to be Rapunzel.
I want to meet your friends.
I think I need to meet your friends,
like now.
I know, I just
It's just scary.
I'm scared.
I know, but I think it's why I can't come.
'Cause I don't feel safe,
and now this.
- This is not helping, to be honest.
- I know, it's barbaric.
Okay, Binky's having a party tonight
and I wasn't gonna go,
but, like, maybe we should just go.
- Yes! Really?
- Yeah.
- Oh, man! Thank you.
- Yeah. Okay.
- Yeah? Oh, great!
- Yeah. Great.
Okay.
Great.
Great.
Yeah.
Fuck.
George, why are you so nervous?
They're gonna be so happy for you
when they see you're in love.
You don't know these people, Mae.
They find emotions disgusting.
They just want to have
a good time and make jokes.
Oh, so they're British?
Like, why even bother
with these people?
GEORGE: This is exactly why
I barely ever see them anymore,
but they're like my oldest friends.
I mean, Binky's basically family.
- [LAUGHING]
- Why are you laughing?
Because I can't believe
you know somebody called Binky.
Wait. I need to tell you something
and just don't be angry.
Okay.
They think I have a boyfriend
called Jonathan Crenshaw.
I thought you told them
about me weeks ago.
Okay, it's not my fault.
I told them I was seeing someone
and they just assumed.
They just assumed
his name is Jonathan Crenshaw?
Look, let's make a deal, okay?
If you promise
to just keep it together tonight,
then I will tell someone
that we're fucking.
Oh, wow.
Cool deal.
- WOMEN: Hi!
- GEORGE: Hi!
- WOMAN: George!
- GEORGE: Oh, hi. It's been ages.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Yay! Oh!
Where's Jonathan Crenshaw?
Who's this?
He couldn't make it.
He got stung by ants, by red ants.
But this is my friend Mae.
We saw her do comedy once?
Oh, my God. Hi, Mae.
I'm Binky, or Binks, whichever.
Your hair is so funny.
Oh, thank you.
Your hair is also hilarious.
Oh, my God. My cousin
Cynthia's here. She's a lesbian.
You'd love her.
- Are you dating anyone?
- I am seeing someone,
but she's kind of an asshole,
so I don't think it's gonna last.
Oh, so cute.
What is she called?
Hoggy.
Hoggy Dunlop.
- What?
- Yes.
Hoggy Dunlop weirdly is her name.
It's funny, actually I met her
through Jonathan Crenshaw.
Well, that's mad.
How do they know each other?
- They--
- They're mother and son.
What?
Yes.
I'm dating George's boyfriend's mother.
Well, he's not really my boyfriend.
Well, exactly, he's not even here, George.
Now come talk to Jared.
Oh, Cynthia, come talk to Mae.
Um, you two can talk about blazers.
- I think Mae fancies me.
- Really?
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Okay, bye.
- See ya.
[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, how's it going?
I'm Mae.
Hey, I'm Hugh.
I would shake your hand,
but I'm chock-a-block
making me old man a dick sandwich,
and I'm fresh out of dick.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
[MEN LAUGHING]
Okay. I'm from Canada,
so I don't understand.
Oh.
Gandalf.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, sorry.
[HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK RINGING]
[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
MAN: I was just saying to Hugh,
I'd rather not leave my Doritos
in the kitchen with all the riffraff.
- [MAN LAUGHING]
- Yeah.
MAN: You know,
I'd rather keep them with me here,
safe in my chino trousers.
- Binks.
- Yeah.
GEORGE: Um
Okay, I think I'm gonna
end things with Crenshaw.
Oh, no, babe.
Why?
I think I'm gonna break up with him
and it's not like a big deal,
but I should tell you--
I've really wanted to tell you.
Oh, my God.
Why is your friend staring at you?
She's like obsessed with you.
MAN: Binks! Watch me bum, Jared.
- [MEN CACKLING]
- [MOANING LOUDLY]
- Did you tell them yet?
- Yes, I'm doing it my way,
but your eyes are like lasers.
Like, the back of my neck is actually hot,
like you're burning me with lasers.
Just take the pressure off me
for one second.
Just be confident.
Why don't you dance?
There's nothing less attractive
than someone that's too neurotic to dance
at a party and just sat in the corner.
Can I ask you something?
Did you ever have braces?
- What?
- Or acne?
- Did you have acne when you were a teen?
- Can you keep it-- Can you just calm down?
You grew up rich and white
and straight and hot.
You won the lottery.
So of course you want to dance,
you're surrounded by people
that want to fuck you.
Of course, I don't want
to dance in front of people
that would have bullied me in high school
and you're too ashamed to touch me.
If you want me to feel confident
then hold my hand.
You two are always having, like,
the most intense whisper conversations.
What is going on here?
- Are you two a thing? No offense.
- [LAUGHING]
BINKY: No, don't be a dick. Stop it.
But, seriously,
is there something going on?
No, obviously not.
What?
[VOICE BREAKING]
I'm gonna go.
Yeah, I'm gonna go?
Yeah, if you want.
[CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS]
Babe, if you want to talk to me
about something
No, it's fine.
Can I just have
[KNOCKS]
- Hey. I've just had--
- Thank you, darling!
Thank you!
- What for?
- Oh!
It's wonderful!
- It's it's magnificent.
- What is?
[DOOR CLOSES]
- Look.
- LAURA: Hello.
Oh, my God.
You came.
- Yeah, Lava and I have been talking.
- Laura.
Laura, sorry, darling.
Laura, yeah.
Just catching up,
low-key, no pressure, just chatting.
And Lava said-- Laura.
Sorry, darling.
Laura said she came to see you.
Yeah, she came to my gig.
I did.
She's funny.
Thank you.
[WEEPING]
Oh, God. Sorry, ignore me.
I've probably got crooked glands.
Well, how are you?
I'm good.
Yeah, I'm good.
Um, but can I hang out
with you guys tonight?
Of course, darling! Well
[WHISPERS]
We will have a slumber party.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- [GUESTS CHATTERING]
- I like you a lot.
- Fuck off, you fucking rat.
Do me!
I wanna do it, lift me!
George!
GEORGE: Whoa!
ALL: Whoa! Whoa!
- Hey!
- [CRASHING, SHATTERING]
[WOMAN SHRIEKS]
[GASPS]
[SCREAMING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
Somebody save her!
[ALL SCREAMING, SHOUTING]
Oh, my God.
Georgie, babe, are you okay?
God, this place is disgusting!
- Is it bad?
- It's fucking awful, babe!
Look, you're covered
in fucking blood, George!
Can you call Mae?
- Who?
- The girl who looks like corn.
She's in my phone under "Corn."
Call Corn!
Oh, look.
This is you in Corfu.
- Oh, my God. You look like Ronald Reagan.
- [LAUGHS] Yeah!
She refused to wear a dress,
no matter how hard I tried.
That's 'cause I knew I was gay
when I was, like, three.
Yes, you did, sweetheart.
Ah, this is such fun,
I'm having an absolute blast.
Who wants a drink?
Gin!
Gin! Gin for the girls.
Or tea.
Just a tea.
How about that?
We're the girls who tea!
- [LAUGHS]
- Thanks, Mum.
[CHUCKLES]
How's your girlfriend?
Ah
You still haven't come.
I mean, that's not really the issue.
Maggie told me about her.
- MAE: Oh, really?
- George.
Yes.
You know, I've dated
many, many girls like George.
She's straight
and she's wasting your time.
You should be with someone
that knows what they're doing.
Yeah, I don't mean about sex.
Just don't let her shame rub off on you.
It'll give you bad posture.
Yeah.
I-- I don't want to go home.
So don't.
[PHONE RINGING]
- Hello.
- BINKY: Hello? Hi, is this Corn?
- No, this is-- Yeah, this is Corn. Yeah.
- BINKY: Hi.
It's George.
She fell through a glass table.
There's blood everywhere.
It's fucking disgusting!
- What?
- You need to come to the hospital now.
- Is everything okay?
- Oh, my God. Okay.
Hi.
Sorry, who are you?
Um
- A friend of George's.
- She's dating George's boyfriend's mum.
MAE: Is she gonna be okay?
- We've given her morphine, so
- Hello?
[GEORGE GASPS]
Baby, you came!
- [MOUTHING]
- GEORGE: You came to see me.
Please come here.
Oh.
I love you.
- I'm so sorry.
- MAE: It's okay.
- GEORGE: No, it's not okay.
- [MOUTHING]
Oh, I'm a fucking idiot.
I love you.
I want to make you come.
Whoa, okay!
[LAUGHING]
Um, can you open my bag?
Doctor, please, can you pass my bag?
- Oh, of course.
- Thank you.
- Look.
- MAE: Oh, my God.
- [BINKY LAUGHING]
- I don't think that's
I'm gonna fuck my girlfriend
with a strap-on, Doctor.
I'll just get a nurse.
GEORGE: Yeah.
- MAE: No.
- Oh.
MAE: Yeah.
I'm such a stupid idiot.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God.
You are so beautiful.
Your eyes!
Oh, my God.
[ALL MURMURING]
BINKY: Okay.
[GEORGE MOANING]
Come on!
[HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK RINGING]
[RINGING STOPS]
At the moment, David,
I have nine boyfriends.
And then, of course,
I also have my husband.
And none of them know about each other.
It's a full-time job.
I don't know how I always let this happen.
Well, Brenda,
this sounds like a textbook expression
of an addictive personality.
What does that mean, David?
Uh, people with addictive personalities
are impulsive.
They're sensation-seeking.
You may find
that this facet of your personality--
Facet.
- For God's sake.
- DAVID: Okay, Maggie.
You've talked about your daughter
in the group before.
How would you characterize that relationship?
Is it steady?
Consistent?
It's a mess.
She hates me. I need her.
Mae.
- Hello.
- DAVID: You've mentioned feeling
anxious about your girlfriend before.
Do you think there's some part of you that
enjoys or attracts intensity and drama?
Um, no,
we're actually very good right now.
It was stressful
and then now it's very good.
It's just the greatest love story
ever told, so it's incredibly chill.
Well, that's wonderful, darling.
Has she introduced you
to her friends then?
Uh, you can transform
a toxic relationship into a healthy one.
I've been with my partner, Stuart,
for 11 years
and we've had our difficulties.
He's entirely dependent on me financially.
[PHONE BUZZES]
But ultimately you've gotta settle in.
You can't just operate on adrenaline.
Wha-- I I gotta go.
Sorry, my uncle needs a lift to karate.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[MEN VOCALIZING]
Oh, my God.
I didn't think you'd actually come.
You said to come
as a matter of urgency.
Yeah, I ran home and then I ran here.
I ran like Tom Cruise.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna lose my job.
- What the fuck is wrong with me?
- Wait.
- Did anyone see you?
- Yeah, a kid saw me.
But guess what?
I told them I was a ghost
and they believed me.
- No. [LAUGHS]
- How are you?
- How's your day going?
- No, there's no time.
Wait. Why did you run home
before you ran here?
I got the dick.
I got a strap-on.
Oh, my God, great.
Can you put it on?
- Yeah, or you could.
- What?
I don't know. You could put it on.
You've never really worn it.
Yeah, I have, but I hold it in my hand
like a weapon, like it's the same thing.
- Is it the same thing?
- Mae, it really suits you.
- I don't think I'd suit a massive cock.
- MAE: I really think you would actually,
- but okay.
- George!
Joyce is there. That's good, yeah.
I was just fixing that, sorry.
It was a little squeaky,
like a mouse, so it's fixed.
- So, I've got the scoop.
- Okay, what scoop?
- Okay, you know the fit new PE teacher?
- Yeah.
You know how we said
we wanted to be the field
and let him be the sprinklers
and he could irrigate us
until we were fertile.
- Did I say that?
- He's single.
Praise the Lord!
He's single.
- May the best woman win.
- Okay.
[DEEP VOICE]
May the odds be ever in your favor.
[LAUGHS]
- The Hunger Games, George.
- Oh.
Well, I've got to go make
a papier-mâché model
of the female reproductive system, so
Well, great.
Okay, thanks, Joyce.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Oh, Mae, come on.
It's Joyce.
I don't talk to Joyce
about my personal life.
Okay. I'm gonna make you come,
then you can fuck me.
I don't think I can come, George,
'cause I'm not the one that gets turned on
from being in a closet,
if you catch my drift.
Look, how can you not think this is fit?
Okay, it's forbidden.
It's like the Montagues and the Capulets.
I've never seen Macbeth.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- Oh, my God.
No. Are you serious?
I'm so sorry.
I'll make it up to you. I'm sorry.
[ALTERNATIVE POP MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay, so who did the assignment
that I set on Friday?
Can you take out your papers for the test?
Close all the doors ♪
Turn off tonight
And let those thin ribbons of light ♪
[CAMERA CLICKS]
- Work their way ♪
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Try and remember what I've seen ♪
- [SNICKERS]
Raid upon eyes ♪
Thanks, everyone!
Bye, yep, see you tomorrow, yep!
Hello.
[EXHALES]
Mae, Mae, Mae, Mae, Mae.
Wait, wait, wait.
Can you go out the window?
I'll pick you up from your gig.
[BELL CLANGING]
[VOCALIZING IN FALSETTO]
Guys.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey!
That was the worst show
I have ever hosted in my entire life.
- What happened?
- I thought it was brilliant.
- I had a great time.
- You had your eyes closed the entire set.
What do you mean?
Mae. What the fuck?
Sorry, I just wasn't feeling it.
I don't know why I bombed so hard.
- Well, I do. It's obvious.
- What?
What's the common denominator
every time you bomb?
It's 'cause you're having some problem
or some argument with your girl--
GEORGE: Hello.
Nick, why have you stopped talking?
What's happening?
- Look come on. Let's go.
- Where are we going?
NICK: Mae. Excuse me.
NICK: Fuck!
Well, well, well.
So, well, how did it go?
Not good.
Very not good.
- I was insecure the whole time.
- I really like it when you're insecure
because you touch your hair a lot
and it's really fit.
Look, I'm really sorry about earlier,
okay, but I'm going to make it up to you.
How?
Sorry.
- What? Mae, stop apologizing. It's okay.
- Sorry.
I don't know what's wrong.
I'm so close.
I've been so close for like 45 minutes.
I'm not in a hurry.
Okay?
I just-- I might just have
to switch hands in a minute.
Oh, my God, no.
This is humiliating.
No, Mae, no.
It happens to everyone, okay.
Not to me.
I can usually come just from thinking
about the musical Chicago.
- Well, then it is my fault.
- No.
Look, why don't I just
go down on you again?
- Why don't I fuck you again?
- No, Mae, please, come on.
I really want you to come.
Okay?
Can you say that again?
But, like, in the voice of Susan Sarandon.
Um, okay. My
My name is Susan Sarandon.
- A little lower.
- [DEEP VOICE] My--
- Mmm.
- My name is Susan Sarandon
and I really want you to come.
- Yeah, that's good.
- Yeah?
Can you say more stuff?
Oh, my favorite role,
well, Thelma & Louise
- was a commercial--
- Okay, not about Thelma & Louise,
like stuff about me.
Oh, yeah.
Like can you tell me,
like, tell me
that you don't want me to come.
Um, I don't--
- In the voice of Susan Sarandon, please.
- Oh, okay.
My name is Susan Sarandon,
and if you come,
I will be absolutely furious.
Fuck, yeah.
- I will be so angry.
- How angry?
I will be so angry,
that I will close down
all the cinemas in the land.
- PHIL: Yeah!
- [WOMAN MOANING LOUDLY]
Oh, my God.
Is that Phil?
WOMAN: Oh, God!
What's wrong with me?
[MAE GROANS]
Mae, look at me.
Look at me.
Mae.
What would make you happy in this moment?
Okay, just say anything,
I won't be freaked out.
I want to do a role-play.
I want to do, like, a fit role-play
where, like, your parents
come around for dinner
and I get to meet them and then they leave
and then we bone fresh.
Uh, yeah, okay.
I really want to do a sexual role-play
that involves my parents?
Come on,
I've just completely lost my boner.
Okay, forget your parents.
What about your friends?
You know, like one friend,
say we're out,
we bump into one of your friends.
You're like,
"Hi, this is my girlfriend, Mae"
- and I'll jizz everywhere.
- Mae,
I'm really sorry,
I'm really tired. Can we
Can we just go to sleep?
Look, there's less litter everywhere.
Less graffiti,
lots of lovely little cafes
[LAUGHING]
Oh, my God!
Oh, look at that massive cock.
Oh, Hugh would love that.
If you have any questions,
my name is Chella Goble.
Would you like to come in
for some oolong tea?
- Yeah--
- No, actually, no, thank you.
Oh, what are you going to wear tonight?
I don't think
I can make it tonight, Binks.
What? George!
It's Hugh's birthday.
I know, I'm sorry. I really, I just
I'm just busy.
Because you're hanging out
with Jonathan Crenshaw? Just bring him.
It's really weird
that we haven't met him yet.
How are things going?
Um
They're not--
No, actually, it's fine. Yeah.
Babe, George, what's happening?
I can't make him come.
- What?
- No, Binky. No, I know.
He's really experienced and I
Maybe I'm bad in bed.
Just suck his dick. Is he gay?
My God, hilarious. Let's ask Chella Goble.
- No.
- Excuse me. Hi.
Um, my friend
can't make her boyfriend come,
so, what should she do, please?
Well, let me start
by thanking you for your candor.
- Well
- During sex, do you find yourself
taking a passive role?
Um, no, I go down on him loads.
What do you mean "passive"?
That's what sex is.
Um, lots of men enjoy
relinquishing control through anal play.
We have a huge range of strap-ons.
Strap-ons are disgusting.
- Oh, yeah.
- CHELLA: Okay.
What about a role-play scenario?
We have many costumes.
Okay, this is weird actually, I'm going.
George, can you buy
that massive cock for me?
- And I'll see you in the cafe.
- GEORGE: Okay.
Um
Can I have some of that oolong tea?
- Of course, yeah.
- Thank you.
Your friend's a real bitch.
GEORGE: Well, yeah. Yeah.
MAN: So funny.
- Oh, thanks. Thanks, man.
- It was great.
- You were good.
- Thanks.
Oh, my God.
It's you.
- Maggie's daughter.
- Yes.
- Lava.
- Laura.
My mum was high
when she named me Lava. I hate it.
I really like it.
What are you doing here?
Who are you here to see?
You said you were a comedian
so I looked you up.
- You looked me up?
- Yes. That's what I just said.
Okay, cool.
I wanted to ask you if you meant it.
About my mum being good.
I want to know.
Oh, my God.
She's the best.
She's my sponsor and she takes care of me
and she, like, helps me stay clean
and we do pottery together.
She wants to meet up.
I really think you should.
She's, like, my rock.
Thanks.
See you around.
Okay, bye.
Is that true what you said onstage?
You can't come?
Yeah.
I think I have some problem.
I should go to the doctor, but
- What makes you think it's your problem?
- What do you mean?
If you were my girlfriend,
I'd make you come in under a minute.
Uh
[ALTERNATIVE BALLAD PLAYING]
[WOMEN VOCALIZING]
George, I think we need to talk about--
Oh, my God!
What is happening?
I'd love to talk, Mae,
but I'm afraid you're under arrest.
- No. Really?
- Oh, yeah.
- What for?
- For war crimes.
No. For being actually too fit.
Too fit for the streets.
- Cool.
- You're a danger.
Can I speak to my lawyer?
Um
Oh. No, you can't, actually.
No, because he's actually got a day off,
thank you, for personal reasons.
Oh, what personal reasons?
'Cause his kid's got ALS.
- No!
- No.
George, we need to talk, I think.
No, sorry, my name isn't George, Mae.
- What is your name?
- My name is Detective Parks.
- Detective Rosa Parks.
- No.
Oh, my God, Mae.
I spent £300 on this uniform.
And look.
I mean
- It's too big.
- But
Look, I just think
I really need you to, like,
just be my girlfriend.
Oh, I am your girlfriend.
Yeah, you are
when we're alone in this apartment,
but I don't want to just exist
in this apartment
and it feels like you want
to keep me here, like Rapunzel.
- Fit.
- Not fit. I don't want to be Rapunzel.
I want to meet your friends.
I think I need to meet your friends,
like now.
I know, I just
It's just scary.
I'm scared.
I know, but I think it's why I can't come.
'Cause I don't feel safe,
and now this.
- This is not helping, to be honest.
- I know, it's barbaric.
Okay, Binky's having a party tonight
and I wasn't gonna go,
but, like, maybe we should just go.
- Yes! Really?
- Yeah.
- Oh, man! Thank you.
- Yeah. Okay.
- Yeah? Oh, great!
- Yeah. Great.
Okay.
Great.
Great.
Yeah.
Fuck.
George, why are you so nervous?
They're gonna be so happy for you
when they see you're in love.
You don't know these people, Mae.
They find emotions disgusting.
They just want to have
a good time and make jokes.
Oh, so they're British?
Like, why even bother
with these people?
GEORGE: This is exactly why
I barely ever see them anymore,
but they're like my oldest friends.
I mean, Binky's basically family.
- [LAUGHING]
- Why are you laughing?
Because I can't believe
you know somebody called Binky.
Wait. I need to tell you something
and just don't be angry.
Okay.
They think I have a boyfriend
called Jonathan Crenshaw.
I thought you told them
about me weeks ago.
Okay, it's not my fault.
I told them I was seeing someone
and they just assumed.
They just assumed
his name is Jonathan Crenshaw?
Look, let's make a deal, okay?
If you promise
to just keep it together tonight,
then I will tell someone
that we're fucking.
Oh, wow.
Cool deal.
- WOMEN: Hi!
- GEORGE: Hi!
- WOMAN: George!
- GEORGE: Oh, hi. It's been ages.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Yay! Oh!
Where's Jonathan Crenshaw?
Who's this?
He couldn't make it.
He got stung by ants, by red ants.
But this is my friend Mae.
We saw her do comedy once?
Oh, my God. Hi, Mae.
I'm Binky, or Binks, whichever.
Your hair is so funny.
Oh, thank you.
Your hair is also hilarious.
Oh, my God. My cousin
Cynthia's here. She's a lesbian.
You'd love her.
- Are you dating anyone?
- I am seeing someone,
but she's kind of an asshole,
so I don't think it's gonna last.
Oh, so cute.
What is she called?
Hoggy.
Hoggy Dunlop.
- What?
- Yes.
Hoggy Dunlop weirdly is her name.
It's funny, actually I met her
through Jonathan Crenshaw.
Well, that's mad.
How do they know each other?
- They--
- They're mother and son.
What?
Yes.
I'm dating George's boyfriend's mother.
Well, he's not really my boyfriend.
Well, exactly, he's not even here, George.
Now come talk to Jared.
Oh, Cynthia, come talk to Mae.
Um, you two can talk about blazers.
- I think Mae fancies me.
- Really?
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Okay, bye.
- See ya.
[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, how's it going?
I'm Mae.
Hey, I'm Hugh.
I would shake your hand,
but I'm chock-a-block
making me old man a dick sandwich,
and I'm fresh out of dick.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
[MEN LAUGHING]
Okay. I'm from Canada,
so I don't understand.
Oh.
Gandalf.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, sorry.
[HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK RINGING]
[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
MAN: I was just saying to Hugh,
I'd rather not leave my Doritos
in the kitchen with all the riffraff.
- [MAN LAUGHING]
- Yeah.
MAN: You know,
I'd rather keep them with me here,
safe in my chino trousers.
- Binks.
- Yeah.
GEORGE: Um
Okay, I think I'm gonna
end things with Crenshaw.
Oh, no, babe.
Why?
I think I'm gonna break up with him
and it's not like a big deal,
but I should tell you--
I've really wanted to tell you.
Oh, my God.
Why is your friend staring at you?
She's like obsessed with you.
MAN: Binks! Watch me bum, Jared.
- [MEN CACKLING]
- [MOANING LOUDLY]
- Did you tell them yet?
- Yes, I'm doing it my way,
but your eyes are like lasers.
Like, the back of my neck is actually hot,
like you're burning me with lasers.
Just take the pressure off me
for one second.
Just be confident.
Why don't you dance?
There's nothing less attractive
than someone that's too neurotic to dance
at a party and just sat in the corner.
Can I ask you something?
Did you ever have braces?
- What?
- Or acne?
- Did you have acne when you were a teen?
- Can you keep it-- Can you just calm down?
You grew up rich and white
and straight and hot.
You won the lottery.
So of course you want to dance,
you're surrounded by people
that want to fuck you.
Of course, I don't want
to dance in front of people
that would have bullied me in high school
and you're too ashamed to touch me.
If you want me to feel confident
then hold my hand.
You two are always having, like,
the most intense whisper conversations.
What is going on here?
- Are you two a thing? No offense.
- [LAUGHING]
BINKY: No, don't be a dick. Stop it.
But, seriously,
is there something going on?
No, obviously not.
What?
[VOICE BREAKING]
I'm gonna go.
Yeah, I'm gonna go?
Yeah, if you want.
[CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS]
Babe, if you want to talk to me
about something
No, it's fine.
Can I just have
[KNOCKS]
- Hey. I've just had--
- Thank you, darling!
Thank you!
- What for?
- Oh!
It's wonderful!
- It's it's magnificent.
- What is?
[DOOR CLOSES]
- Look.
- LAURA: Hello.
Oh, my God.
You came.
- Yeah, Lava and I have been talking.
- Laura.
Laura, sorry, darling.
Laura, yeah.
Just catching up,
low-key, no pressure, just chatting.
And Lava said-- Laura.
Sorry, darling.
Laura said she came to see you.
Yeah, she came to my gig.
I did.
She's funny.
Thank you.
[WEEPING]
Oh, God. Sorry, ignore me.
I've probably got crooked glands.
Well, how are you?
I'm good.
Yeah, I'm good.
Um, but can I hang out
with you guys tonight?
Of course, darling! Well
[WHISPERS]
We will have a slumber party.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- [GUESTS CHATTERING]
- I like you a lot.
- Fuck off, you fucking rat.
Do me!
I wanna do it, lift me!
George!
GEORGE: Whoa!
ALL: Whoa! Whoa!
- Hey!
- [CRASHING, SHATTERING]
[WOMAN SHRIEKS]
[GASPS]
[SCREAMING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
Somebody save her!
[ALL SCREAMING, SHOUTING]
Oh, my God.
Georgie, babe, are you okay?
God, this place is disgusting!
- Is it bad?
- It's fucking awful, babe!
Look, you're covered
in fucking blood, George!
Can you call Mae?
- Who?
- The girl who looks like corn.
She's in my phone under "Corn."
Call Corn!
Oh, look.
This is you in Corfu.
- Oh, my God. You look like Ronald Reagan.
- [LAUGHS] Yeah!
She refused to wear a dress,
no matter how hard I tried.
That's 'cause I knew I was gay
when I was, like, three.
Yes, you did, sweetheart.
Ah, this is such fun,
I'm having an absolute blast.
Who wants a drink?
Gin!
Gin! Gin for the girls.
Or tea.
Just a tea.
How about that?
We're the girls who tea!
- [LAUGHS]
- Thanks, Mum.
[CHUCKLES]
How's your girlfriend?
Ah
You still haven't come.
I mean, that's not really the issue.
Maggie told me about her.
- MAE: Oh, really?
- George.
Yes.
You know, I've dated
many, many girls like George.
She's straight
and she's wasting your time.
You should be with someone
that knows what they're doing.
Yeah, I don't mean about sex.
Just don't let her shame rub off on you.
It'll give you bad posture.
Yeah.
I-- I don't want to go home.
So don't.
[PHONE RINGING]
- Hello.
- BINKY: Hello? Hi, is this Corn?
- No, this is-- Yeah, this is Corn. Yeah.
- BINKY: Hi.
It's George.
She fell through a glass table.
There's blood everywhere.
It's fucking disgusting!
- What?
- You need to come to the hospital now.
- Is everything okay?
- Oh, my God. Okay.
Hi.
Sorry, who are you?
Um
- A friend of George's.
- She's dating George's boyfriend's mum.
MAE: Is she gonna be okay?
- We've given her morphine, so
- Hello?
[GEORGE GASPS]
Baby, you came!
- [MOUTHING]
- GEORGE: You came to see me.
Please come here.
Oh.
I love you.
- I'm so sorry.
- MAE: It's okay.
- GEORGE: No, it's not okay.
- [MOUTHING]
Oh, I'm a fucking idiot.
I love you.
I want to make you come.
Whoa, okay!
[LAUGHING]
Um, can you open my bag?
Doctor, please, can you pass my bag?
- Oh, of course.
- Thank you.
- Look.
- MAE: Oh, my God.
- [BINKY LAUGHING]
- I don't think that's
I'm gonna fuck my girlfriend
with a strap-on, Doctor.
I'll just get a nurse.
GEORGE: Yeah.
- MAE: No.
- Oh.
MAE: Yeah.
I'm such a stupid idiot.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God.
You are so beautiful.
Your eyes!
Oh, my God.
[ALL MURMURING]
BINKY: Okay.
[GEORGE MOANING]
Come on!
[HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK RINGING]
[RINGING STOPS]