Fiasco (2024) s01e03 Episode Script

1
[Raph] Oh, fuck. This has a million views.
This is a nightmare.
I look like a total asshole!
It's everywhere, Raph.
Insta, Twitter, TikTok, all over.
Okay. Just stop. The making-of.
We have the original footage.
We put that up
and hopefully that'll show people.
[Jean-Marc] Not a good idea.
If we start trying to justify it,
it'll make us look worse.
I agree, these things blow over
quickly nowadays, and people will forget.
Let me remind you, what you actually said
wasn't exactly warm and fuzzy.
- Maybe it wasn't Martin Luther King, but
- [Magalie] It was pretty bad.
I don't get something. We still had
ten hours. Why did they release it?
I have no idea.
It clearly says 58 hours. Here, look, 58.
I don't get it.
Who gives anybody 58 hours?
I don't know,
I didn't even think about it.
I figured he's done this before
and is very precise.
We're dealing with a pro.
Oh Christ, now I get it.
What is it?
It's 48 hours.
Nobody puts 58 hours, he made a mistake.
It's a typo. It's supposed to be 48 hours.
Oh, fuck me. What an idiot.
Seriously Jean-Marc, it was obviously
a typo, 4 and 5 are beside each other!
Whatever! Who cares!
We need to know who posted it!
Yes! That's an excellent question.
Who was it?
Ah, sweetheart.
I was just about to call you.
Don't "sweetheart" me,
Jean-Marc. I'm not an idiot.
- When were you planning on telling me?
- What?
You kept shooting for two days
after a stunt woman got her leg cut off.
- No, no. Her foot. It was only her foot.
- Thank you, Jean-Marc.
So we have an amputated foot,
blackmail, and still you tell me nothing?
This is unbelievable.
Nora, Nora, Nora. The most important thing
that we have to remember
is that the whole crew is still with us
and we can keep shooting.
And honestly, when the movie's done
and we've managed to reach
millions of people with it,
- this whole thing will be behind us
- [Robin] Nicolas! Leonie!
Why didn't anyone warn me
our director is a disgusting lowlife?
- [Magalie] Oh God.
- There he is! Take a look at this guy.
Stop pretending you're this innocent kid.
We all know what a pig you are.
- What?
- You're not fooling me. I saw the video.
- What? No, it's a misunderstanding
- Shh. Listen to me good.
If you enjoy belittling your crew,
showing them no respect
as well as every woman,
that's your problem.
- But I I
- Huh? But count me out.
I do not condone it!
Point the camera at me.
Robin Jacomet does not condone that!
That clear?
- Farewell. I can't work on this project.
- [Magalie] No!
- Yes, I'm out.
- [Jean-Marc] Mr. Jacomet, please.
- He's joking.
- [Jean-Marc] Go after him.
Don't let him leave!
Wait, no. Nora,
this has to be a joke, it has to be.
Robin!
Robin!
Robin!
[warmly] Raph.
- You okay?
- Well, no. I'm not
- Ah, it's okay, it's okay.
- It's just that
- Don't worry. Listen to me now.
- Okay?
- Just breathe.
- Yeah, okay.
You good? Put yourself
in my shoes for a second.
I had to make a scene there.
There was Nora, the cameras, other people.
I had to. I had no choice, you see?
- You're not really leaving?
- Raph, come on. Of course I'm leaving.
You understand. I have too much to lose.
- But you know the video was
- Yes, I know. But listen.
These days things are complicated.
You're in deep shit.
I can change that. Right this ship.
The captain will be in charge.
Raph, stop with the captain thing.
My lawyers have laid it out.
Your lawyers?
They're the biggest
sons of bitches in Paris, okay?
But that's what I pay them for, right?
And here's what they said.
"Even if the video had been shown
in its entirety, the guy is done."
Oh wow, that's
That leaves no room for, uh for doubt.
Exactly, and I hate to tell you,
but I'm going to have to tweet
some horrible things about you.
- No!
- Yes, I have no choice! Yes.
- Gimme 24 hours.
- Are you kidding?
Gotta strike while the iron's hot.
There, it's gone.
Geez, that wasn't even 24 seconds, it
Look, don't get stressed out.
It's not healthy.
But why #blackface? There's no blackface.
My lawyers gave me a list.
There was blackface, antisemitism, uh
- Hello.
- [man] Hello.
- Who's that?
- Not a clue.
So there was blackface,
antisemitism, misogyny,
and there was, um What was it? Pedophile!
- Oh, Christ.
- See what I did?
I put the blackface
because I'm being nice!
It's way better than pedophile. Trust me.
- Yeah, but
- You should thank me!
- Don't you think?
- Sure, I
No, but blackface, I mean, seriously?
It's getting retweeted like crazy.
What do you want me to do?
You dove into a river of shit!
- Want everyone to follow?
- No.
Well, there!
Yeah, but I really need you in the film.
You have to know that! You must!
If I lose you, I lose everything.
I lose my financing, I lose the film.
Raph.
It's all right. We're together in this.
But in our own way.
Ah.
All right. It's all good.
It's all good? Let me hear it. It's
All good.
- Love you, man.
- But Robin, I
I need
Robin?
[suspenseful violin solo
over industrial percussion]
[transitioning into synth beat]
[man] Fiasco! ♪
[British man] What a fiasco.
- [door creaking open]
- [footsteps receding]
[Raph whimpering]
Hello. You've reached
Huguette Valande's voicemail.
Leave me a message.
Yeah, Mamie? It's, uh It's me here.
Yeah. I, uh, just I wanted to catch up
and see how you're doing.
And [voice breaking] Sorry.
It's not going well at all.
It's going really badly on set here
actually, and [shuddering breath]
I don't know.
Everything's going wrong, and
I just wanted to say sorry.
That maybe you were right. Maybe
I wasn't cut out for this. [sobs]
[Raph] I was at my wit's end.
Nobody in my family wanted to talk to me
since the whole accident with Josephine
Berneuil totally renegotiated everything.
I mean, the only thing left for me to do
was to find that fuckin' mole.
So I just dove in,
and I started looking everywhere,
on the internet, all the comments, videos,
everything that would bring me
closer to this fuckin' mole.
And then finally
[EDM remix of video playing]
Oh yeah, my big sausage ♪
Gonna put it between
those ripe melons ♪
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
My big sausage ♪
Gonna put it between
those ripe melons ♪
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah
Big sausage ♪
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
[mutters] What is this? [stops video]
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck!
I knew I was taking a risk
getting into this with you,
but I had no idea
it would go to shit this quickly.
Oh, come on. Don't get all mad, Nora.
We have to look at the glass
as being half full.
It is. Half full of crap!
Just pack up your shit and get out.
You and Raph are both fired.
Wait, wait, Nora.
What if I told you I had
an incredible actor to replace Jacomet,
what would you say?
- I'd say, "Tell me who it is right now."
- [Jean-Marc] And then I'd say
Gimme two hours.
Okay.
Two hours.
Finding a top-notch actor
at the last minute isn't that simple.
But, uh, then
first thing I needed to do was
reassure the crew. "All right, listen."
"I'm not just anyone here.
I have tons of connections."
"I know exactly what to do."
- I don't know what to do.
- [Magalie] Fuck.
I got nothing, nada.
Nothing up my sleeve.
[Sighs] Canet? Not available.
Jean Reno said no.
- Dujardin also said no.
- Okay, anybody say yes?
Well, as of right now, no one.
Uh, yeah, except Steven Seagal.
[sarcastic] Oh, great.
Most don't want to read the script
because of the bad buzzing.
- Bad buzz.
- Waiting to hear from
- [Raph] Is Nora gone?
- Uh, yeah.
What did she have to say
about Jacomet quitting?
- Well, she was pretty
- Reassuring, right? Actually really sweet.
- No, no. She was very calm and, uh
- So she understood?
Oh yeah. She's totally behind us
to find another actor.
Okay, well done. Thanks, Jean-Marc.
[excited] Look what I just found.
There's a remix of the video online.
There, a bit of the person filming.
You can see a little bit of their sleeve.
- [Magalie] Yeah.
- Hm.
It looks like a kind of reddish color,
maybe parma?
- Or violet?
- Vermilion, I think.
Well, it sure ain't vanilla, it's red.
Vermilion. It's a kind of red, Jean-Marc.
I'm well aware
of what vermilion is, thank you.
I had no idea.
There aren't exactly 12,000 people
who own a vermilion sweater.
- So this is a good clue?
- [Magalie] Excellent. I'm on it!
But not a word to the crew.
It could be anybody.
Yes. He's still sending me
threatening messages. Look.
[Magalie gasps]
I have no idea how he knows
that it's my fault for, uh
Josephine's foot.
This guy's never gonna fuckin' stop.
He's just gonna keep hounding me.
- ["Samba de Janeiro" playing]
- Oh hey! [shushing]
- It's Neeson's agent.
- Take it!
Yes! Hello. [chuckles]
You can mention my,
uh, Christian Bale story.
[Jean-Marc] Yes, yes, yes. All right.
- Oh man, Liam Neeson would be great.
- Yeah, awesome!
- Schindler's List!
- My god!
- [Jean-Marc] Okay.
- Love Actually!
[Magalie] Uh, no.
Well
[Jean-Marc] Right! Talk later.
All right, bye now.
- [Raph] So?
- No dice.
Oh, fuck me!
He loved the screenplay,
but he says he won't have time to, uh
to to get into character.
[Magalie] Shit. What are we gonna do?
Holy shit, I just got a super idea.
- [Magalie] What?
- [Raph] What's your idea?
I know who can do this role.
So then, all of a sudden,
Jean-Marc gets an idea.
Genius, I'm telling you.
Potentially the worst idea ever.
[Magalie] All right. Quiet on the set,
please, people! Hold the work!
All right, thank you. Almost there!
Have you seen the set? Amazing, right?
Did you Oh.
All right, let's just
set you up back here.
[Jean-Marc grunts]
[sighs]
You'll see this actor much better suited
than Jacomet for this role.
- In my opinion.
- I'm warning you, Jean-Marc.
If he's bad, I'm taking my money
and getting the hell out. Got that?
Oh yeah. Got it.
[Magalie] Quiet everyone! And roll sound!
And action!
[gentle harpsichord music]
- [flatly] Ha-ha.
- [music stops]
[wavering] And so
th this day you have insulted
[clears throat]
You have insulted Madame de Huguette
before an audience of devotees
who fear you a lot more
fa far more than they love me.
[emotionless] Ha-ha. Um
Also I want to
to say
what no one
what
what
what no one would dare to tell you.
[dramatic music starts quietly]
No sir.
[music building]
No.
Your lands, your men,
your fortune and your titles
do not make you
the judge you would like to be.
And if you believe that
your rank allows you to mock her,
your honor, monsieur, should forbid it.
You may treat her as a pariah,
but she will never be a victim nor a prey.
For she has, in her soul,
the courage of millions of men
and the strength of your whole army.
And she can read
any person's heart like any book.
With so much clarity and passion
that are foreign to the likes of you.
And if this chapter
of your life tells her nothing,
I can only say that mine is wide open.
On that, monsieur, mesdames,
goodnight.
And farewell.
- [Magalie] And cut!
- [man] Tail slate!
When I glanced over at Ingrid,
something truly incredible happened.
Even today it still gives me goosebumps
whenever I think about it.
Wanna see?
Ah.
My sleeve.
[mumbling]
Hang on
Got it.
- Ha! There.
- [clatter]
Huh? [chuckles] I just lost a button.
Here, look. Ah.
Oh, well, they're gone now.
Gone.
[Jean-Marc] Thanks to Raph's
incredible performance,
Nora accepted him playing the role
and we could continue shooting.
But there were two conditions.
I'd agreed to give them one week
to improve what people thought
of him online.
Work on his social media.
But mostly,
to find and get rid of that mole.
[Magalie]that's what
I wanted to ask Raph. Oh, great.
So I took a survey on my Instagram here.
I wanted to get an idea
if my popularity had gone up at all.
- And what does it say?
- Well, uh, it says Oof.
Uh No, I'm down, 44 to 56%.
Oh wow, can I see?
Okay, but you put yourself up
against Joan Of Arc, seriously Raph?
That's Stalin.
- Oh wow, Stalin.
- Mm-hm. Stalin?
Well, uh, look. You've got
tons of comments. That's pretty good.
Huh, Raph?
You gotta look at the bright side.
I'm trying, but the comments are
all pretty nasty. Look.
"Go fuck yourself, fucking duck-sucker."
There's, like, so many typos here.
- Here's one. "Hey, you're a cutie."
- There you go.
"No, just kidding. Kiss my ass."
- That's rough.
- These people are just screwing around.
Don't you worry. We're gonna work
on your reputation, you'll see.
- And it'll all pay off.
- [Ingrid] Hello. How are you?
- Good, you?
- Great.
- See you later.
- Right. Sorry.
- Yeah.
- See you later.
- [both giggle]
- Uh
I'm so excited about this afternoon.
For the scene with the special effects.
It's cool, I've never done that before.
[chuckles]
What special effects?
Well, for the, uh for the dog.
Film shoots are very hard on animals,
so most of the time
we use actors in green suits and
with all these little balls
velcroed onto the suit.
- Well, you know.
- Yeah, that's right. Um
- All right, so we uh
- Oh, were you gonna use a real dog?
Because I just, uh, well, I'm a
It's just that I'm a vegan, so, uh
- But I don't want to be a pain.
- No, no, wait.
We're not using a real dog.
No, no, no. A real dog? No.
Special effects, absolutely.
Why bother a poor little dog?
- No, no, I'm I'm vegan, too so
- Really?
Yeah, yeah. I love animals, and, whew, um
[slurps loudly]
- Well, that's amazing.
- So yeah. Hey, um
- I gotta deal with something.
- Later?
You bitch You bet. [awkward laugh]
- [Raph] Hey, Ingrid?
- Yeah?
No, I just wanted to tell you
that my set is a lot like my plate.
My my dinner plate, I mean.
I don't want any animals on it.
[both chuckle]
- I'm joking.
- [Ingrid] Funny!
See ya. [door clattering]
- [man] Excuse me.
- Sorry, you okay?
- She's a pain in the ass.
- Yeah.
Apparently, Raph says he tried
but she absolutely refuses
to shoot a scene with a real dog.
[Magalie] Ugh. God, she's annoying.
The trainer's over there.
- She's not exactly pleasant.
- Okay.
- Muriel!
- [dog barking]
Bluma, drop that!
[sharply] What?
Can't you see I'm training?
Yeah, sorry. Um We just thought that
it was important that we let you know
- Yeah
- Uh
What?
Actually, we've decided
that you can take your dog home now.
Because we're not going
to need him after all.
Right.
- Oh, this guy making a joke?
- Uh
Bluma, I said drop that!
You make me come to the middle of nowhere
and I'm supposed to take off now? That it?
Bluma, I said drop that fucking thing!
I've had enough now!
Wait, is that a vermilion sweater?
He's playing with a vermilion sweater.
Shit, you're right.
Why is he playing with that?
Do you know where he found it?
I have no idea.
He used to be a sniffer dog.
He's always bringing me crappy shit.
- Human smells get him all horny.
- Hm.
One time he brought me this huge thong.
And it wasn't even my size.
- Oh yeah?
- Okay. Uh, so, if he's a sniffer dog.
Does that mean that he'd find
who owns that sweater?
Yes. I just told you
he used to work with the narcotics squad.
- Super.
- Uh, well, yeah. Super, that's
- It is?
- Absolutely, you're not going home now.
- No?
- Right.
Now we need you to go sniff everybody
to see who owns that sweater.
I don't go around sniffing anyone.
The dog does the sniffing.
- Obviously.
- Right.
Mind if I took a quick picture?
- Go ahead.
- Just a quick photo.
- Make it quick though.
- For sure. Quick!
- Thanks, Muriel.
- Whatever.
I mean, it's crazy
they gave me a call two hours ago
to tell me I'd be playing a dog.
I mean, I barely had any time to go
and hang out with my grandmother's dog
to pick up a couple of pointers, you know?
They sure aren't helping
with my creative process.
- Take your foot down please?
- Oh yeah, sorry.
No, but let me tell you, the Yanks,
ah, they know how to do it.
- Huh? You hear me?
- Hm?
- The Americans.
- What?
Give you an example.
Planet of the Apes. They didn't
shoot that in two hours in the zoo,
no, they took at least three months
Well, uh
in Africa or something. Anyway.
No offense.
[Karim] What do you mean "no offense?"
That's where monkeys and gorillas live,
no problem. You can go see them.
- I don't
- Yeah, yeah. No. For sure.
It's just because
I mean, it's because
you're Black, so, you know?
[harpsichord music playing]
How are you this evening, madame?
I feel quite unwell, but the sight of you
is enough to give me strength.
Please, sit.
You were quite heroic, madame.
- And despite the soldiers at our door
- [barks]
and despite the soldiers at our door,
know that
that it's been an honor to know you.
[wheezing barks]
- to uh
- [barks]
I'm sorry, hang on. Cut.
And cut, please.
All right, everyone, stay focused!
Hervé?
Sorry, but
Uh, you you're woofing quite a bit.
- Yeah, yeah. You like it?
- Mmm
Well, it's because
you didn't give me any direction,
so I just figured I'd make the choice that
the dog would most likely smell
those soldiers, you know?
- Ah.
- Right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Uh. No, no, no.
No, no.
No. I don't think so.
Uh, interesting choice, but
Well, since this scene
is actually quite crucial
for the main two lead characters,
it's a love scene,
the dog can be feeling canine concerns
but I think for the moment,
it's, uh internalized.
- Okay? Internalize it.
- Okay. I got it.
[Raph] That's okay with you, Ingrid?
Action.
Human history will remember you,
and it has been my honor,
madame, to know you.
[growling]
But also
to love you.
- For I have loved you, madame
- [panting, growling]
since
Stand by, uh, two seconds.
[Magalie] Standing by!
Hervé, sorry, what are you doing now?
Nothing, it's just that, you know, Raph
- I've been in the theater for 30 years.
- Here we go with the theater thing.
If you just give me some direction,
I'll follow it to the letter.
[Ingrid] I totally agree
with what you're saying.
- Right.
- I'm actually a lot like Hervé, I
I need some more info
to get into character, you know?
- And what Hervé's doing is not easy, Raph.
- No, no.
All right, how can I explain this to you?
He's a dog. He's a dog.
Um He's happy with his life.
Comfortable in his fur,
strong on his paws.
- [yips]
- But he's a quiet dog. Discreet.
Yeah. When he's in the room,
we barely know he's there.
But but he suffers though. He suffers.
Ah yeah, that could be nice.
- Yeah.
- [Raph] Yeah, I like that.
Calm and and discreet.
- All right, we're back and still rolling.
- [Raph] Here we go!
[exhales]
- [Ingrid clears throat]
- [harpsichord resumes]
Yes, milady,
I have loved you.
- Since the first day
- Excuse me, Raph.
Why is he suffering?
- I don't
- [Ingrid] No, that's a good question.
Why is he suffering?
Very interesting.
Why is he suffering?
He heard
He's suffering
because his girlfriend is giving birth
and he he barred himself from
being there and he's guilt-ridden.
That's That's why he's suffering
from his doggy dilemma.
- Okay. Great.
- Here we go!
Can I run something by you?
- How 'bout I scratch the floor a bit.
- Awesome. Hang on. What?
Scratching? Why're you scratching?
Well, he's a Jewish dog.
So he's scratching the floor
looking for nuggets.
- Whoa, uh
- [Ingrid clears throat]
- Firstly, that sounds really antisem
- Very antisemitic.
Very antisemitic! I definitely felt that.
And secondly I don't, uh I don't
Who who told you the dog was Jewish?
- You did, you mentioned a bar mitzvah.
- No, no I didn't.
I never said anything like that.
No, no, no. I
He He barred himself. Barred.
- I said he barred himself, I didn't say
- [Hervé] Ah! Okay then.
- [laughs] Well, that's different then.
- Completely different.
- Let's go again. Roll it.
- [Magalie] Places everyone!
- Lie down. I mean just sit there.
- [Magalie] Rolling!
[indistinct chatter]
- Muriel? Muriel.
- Yeah?
Excuse me, but
that's a clear suspect there, right?
Hang on, I'll have a look.
- No, he's just enjoying the SOB.
- He's what?
SOB. It's an abbreviation for saying
he likes the smell of his balls.
It's just a little dog wrangler jargon.
- Basically he's smelling his ass.
- Yep. I can see that.
- That's it.
- Okay, nothing to do with the sweater?
- Nothing at all.
- Okay.
It's all about balls and ass.
Excuse me, coming through.
He must be smelling dog on me.
[Magalie] Hey Victor,
since you're the costume designer,
I just wanted to know
if you happened to have seen
a red sweater on set
Hang on, I've got a picture of it here.
Oh, actually I have something else
that's pretty cool to show you.
I'll admit Victor totally did it for me,
so I tried sending him subtle signals.
But only when
the opportunity presented itself.
- [moaning in video]
- [Victor clears throat]
- Whoa. What's that?
- The Seychelles.
- [video] Oh my God! [moans]
- That's me on the beach.
Yes! Oh God! Yes!
Doesn't seem like it's the coconuts
you're looking at [giggles]
I wanted him to see me outside of work.
What I'm like when I'm not on set.
I'm not just Magalie "action" and "cut!"
I wanted him to see a Magalie who's more
playful, more
charming, you know?
Raph, I need you not to move.
I'm going to get some pins.
Okay.
- [Ingrid] Raph!
- Hey there!
I can't take it,
the makeup artist's a nightmare.
I know, her breath is horrible.
She was talking to me before
and I swear she'd just eaten rotten fish
It's not about her breath. Look at me.
Okay.
- You see?
- Oh, wow.
- Oh my God. That's really thick.
- Yeah.
Judging by your wig,
you're having issues with hair too.
Oh, no. She was still working on it.
But I don't appreciate
her leaving me like this.
Ever since I told her she had bad breath,
it's horrible what she's put me through.
- I can't take it anymore.
- Oh, boy
I swear, Raph. This morning she just about
poked my eye out with a makeup brush.
Oh no, it's okay. Don't worry.
We'll figure this out. It's okay.
Have you tried
getting her a gift to apologize?
- No.
- Like, uh, flowers, or
- Or a box of chocolates?
- No.
Macaroons maybe?
- No, but I know something that could work.
- Kinder Surprise?
No, but you could fire her.
Oh. Yeah.
That's a different kind of surprise.
- [Ludivine] Hang on.
- Sure.
- One second.
- No worries.
There we go. All right.
- I'm all yours. What's up?
- Yeah. Um
- You good?
- Yeah! Great, you?
Yes. Ugh.
Uh right, um
No, no. I, uh I said yes,
but no, no. I'm not great.
Uh, apparently, uh
the production has to cut the budget.
- Oh man.
- Yeah, and hold on, uh
[hesitates]
The axe fell on the makeup department.
[Raph clicks tongue]
- So what does that mean then?
- Well, it means that, uh
They can only afford
to pay you 25% of your salary.
- [exhales deeply]
- Yeah.
[sighs]
Ah, yeah, sorry,
but that's quite some news.
Fuck.
[exhales] That's a real slap in the face.
And that's what I told production.
I said, "You want me to tell Ludi that?"
"That's a real slap in the face."
I told them that.
And I was right.
Yeah, well, look
I'm gonna stay, I won't let you down.
Ah.
Perfect.
- [Ludi blows air]
- That's great.
- But, uh Ugh.
- Yeah, um
It's just that I said to myself
Fuck.
I don't believe it. Shit. I, I misread it
- What now?
- Ah, damn it, this really burns my ass.
I didn't read their message properly.
- But, actually I said 25%?
- Yeah?
Yeah, no. It's actually 2.5%.
I There's a decimal.
Fuck me, it's 2.5%. Yeah.
Yeah, well, that's
[Raph] I know.
Don't worry, I'll tell them
- I'm gonna stay.
- Oh God. Wow, that's great.
That's great.
Thank you for this.
Impossible to get her to leave.
And so now I
I had no choice but to do it the hard way.
[espionage music playing]
LUDI. UNFORTUNATELY YOU HAVE TO GO.
SUCH A SHAME. SRY
[Raph] So my popularity on social media
hasn't changed. It's still a catastrophe.
So I think we need
to make a big splash in the media.
[Jean-Marc] I couldn't agree more.
But what do you want us to do?
Well, I think I have an idea.
Come see.
- [grunting]
- Watch yourself, Jean-Marc.
There, check it out!
- Oh, fuck yeah! Claire Chazal.
- Yeah.
Yeah. I heard she's shooting
her new show right next door.
Exactly, and if she could invite us on
- That is a great fucking idea!
- Yeah.
If she agreed to do a story on us,
we could explain everything.
- That'd be a game changer.
- I know, but
- Well, I'll, uh, give it my best shot.
- Yeah.
Wait, you're not gonna go in
like that, are ya?
- Huh?
- Well
Ah buddy, that is a high-end sports club.
You can't go like that,
you have to blend in.
You'd look ridiculous
walking in like that.
[upbeat music playing]
[Raph] Hey.
[loudly] Raphaël Valande.
Is this free?
Is it free?
It's free.
Yes. Valande.
Di
The director, that's correct.
Of films.
Yes, feature length films.
Movies.
Heh.
Okay. Thanks so much.
[fake laugh] Those clowns
at the electric company.
Always callin' at the worst time.
Never fai
They
They always ca They call
The agents for the electric com
They, they uh
They can be a real nuisance, huh?
The worst timing, am I right? [chuckles]
Sorry, I'm Raphaël, I didn't
Valande, yeah.
Right. You
know who I am?
Well, I think just about everyone
knows you at the moment.
That song has been playing
ad nauseam, what's it called?
- The mango
- The mango song, yeah.
When she brought up
the mango song, I figured, "Okay."
"At least she knows who I am."
I had the fish on the line.
Now I had to reel her in
by getting her to invite me
onto her talk show.
Not a chance in hell, uh-uh.
Why's that?
Well, because of all these rumors,
the bad buzz, all that.
That's not the kind of message
I want my show putting out there.
Get it?
Sure, sure. Uh
No, I get it. I get it, but
I'm trying to make a film that
That has a lot to do with
with, uh with with love and, um
and family.
Oh, looks like I'm out of sync.
My machine's my machine's out of sync.
So yeah, my film
Uh, Claire?
Wait, wait, the film
is, uh
This film is special to me.
It's a film that has a certain vision.
It's really about
my relationship with others,
but also about how others have
lost contact with Claire?
With each other. Claire?
I've lost contact with her now. Claire.
We have to try to push aside
this bad buzz, and and all that stuff.
The important thing is, yes,
I'm making a film
about my grandmother
who was in the Resistance.
But it's also an ode to
to women and feminism
and femininity in general,
who deserve their place in history
and have been robbed of it.
- So
- Gah! I think I used too much weight.
Maybe feminism and women's place
in history would make a
an interesting theme.
That might be a good angle for my show.
Well, there you go! That's super, great!
An angle. I love angles.
Fine. But on one condition.
Your grandmother has to be there.
You have to be there together.
That'd make a great show.
Not a problem.
There's no fucking way.
Not a chance.
My grandmother hates my guts right now.
No way she'll be on the show.
With the Berneuil family not talking to
her since Josephine's accident, forget it.
Come on, don't you think
the grandmother's just like everyone else?
She likes money too.
I gave her ten grand in cash
and she was on the show. [chuckles]
[Karim] They're hungry?
I'll take care of 'em.
Karim's special sandwiches.
They're gonna hit the spot.
- [man] 15 minutes to air.
- Oh. Thanks.
- Want a sandwich?
- [grandma] No thanks. Just the smell
Made me lose my appetite.
[Jean-Marc] They do taste a little weird.
Oh hey, Jean-Marc,
for my interview later, I'm gonna try
to win as many popularity points as I can.
And I was thinking that
I should tell my Christian Bale story.
That's a real slam dunk.
Okay, good. We agree.
So I need you to set it up for me.
Just mention that Hm.
A road trip, or, uh, toilets.
That'll make it easy
to launch into the story.
- Hm.
- Got it?
- [grunts]
- All right, great.
- This interview's gonna do it!
- [Magalie] Yep.
[talk show intro music]
FULL ACCESS
[Claire] Welcome to Full Access.
I'm thrilled to have you here
for this episode,
which is coming to you live.
You'll notice we're surrounded
by lights, cameras, and a period set
as we're on the sound stage
of an exceptional film
that tells the unusual tale of a woman
whose strength and determination
made her a force to be reckoned with.
Hence the film's title,
A Woman of Resistance.
And here with us tonight
is Huguette Valande, to tell us her story.
- Welcome, Huguette.
- Hello.
Also here's the film's director
Raphael Valande.
Let's start by clearing up some of
the recent scandals we've all heard about.
I'm speaking of a video
that's been viewed over 30 million times
and has prompted a bevy of insults
and throw downs. Tell us about it.
Well [clears throat]
first of all, thank you very much
for inviting me here
and letting us come onto your program.
So I'm I'm explaining
all the misunderstandings,
the the bad buzz,
the situation and all that.
And it's actually going incredibly well.
I I even I even started off
with a pretty good joke.
and it even got a good laugh.
And put an end to all this
and say goodbye
- Shalom.
- [light chuckling]
If you'll forgive my little play on words.
But in the end it was something
that was taken way out of context.
- Hmm.
- And when you take it out of
[stomach gurgles]
Take it out of context, it spirals,
very quickly as we've all [groans]
[gurgling continues]
all seen on social media
and can take a very nasty turn
Sorry, I forgot [grunts]
I forgot something,
I'll be right back, scuse me.
[groaning and farting]
All right. So before we hear
from our heroine, Huguette Valande,
a word from the producer,
Jean-Marc Torossian?
Thank you, Claire. Well, uh
Simply put, I'm just happy
that we've been given the chance
to have with us here this woman whose past
is nothing less than extraordinary.
A [long intestinal gurgle]
woman who
saved so many Jews
[grunts]during the war.
[farts, then coughs]
Sorry, just clearing my throat.
Twice. [groans]
[more gurgling]
[straining] So to, to say we, uh
[gurgling increasing]
Well, it's just that, all that we
[groans] Excuse me.
Sorry. Be right back. [farts tooting]
Looks to me like they have diarrhea.
Mm. Uh-huh.
Thanks, Huguette, for that observation.
How about Ingrid? You're sitting
next to the woman you're portraying.
Were you able to get to know her,
and get some guidance
to help you in your interpretation?
- How did she help you?
- Mm!
Uh, well, yes. It's been, uh, an honor to
[stomach gurgling]
to discuss with Huguette.
[quickly] I've also been inspired
by other women in films
like Zero Dark Thirty
with Jessica Chastain [gasps]
[straining] Thelma and Louise, of course
[loud fart]
- I'm so sorry I have to get to a bathroom!
- Over there!
[Ingrid gasping]
[Claire] That's the joy of live shows,
ladies and gentlemen.
And that reminds me,
since Ingrid just mentioned bathrooms,
uh, Raphaël has
a very funny story about that.
- Not right now.
- Yeah, Christian Bale!
I know the story, Jean-Marc,
gimme a minute all right
- [Claire] He'll tell us later.
- Don't worry, I know it.
I'll just tell you now.
So Raphael was on a road trip
No, I'm gonna tell it!
You'll fuck it all up.
- Hang on, sorry about that.
- All right Raphaël, you
It's a fun story. I decided one day
I was going to take a little road trip
through the [groans]countryside
and eat at this little Portuguese place
that had specialties like bak alavala.
And I suddenly found myself face-to-face
with the actor Christian [farts]
Bale, and
- Raph, try coughing into your elbow.
- Right. [unconvincing cough]
And Christian Bale, he walks over to me
to, um talk and says "Hi, David."
He mistook me for someone else.
Oh, fuck. I'm not gonna make it!
- [grandma screaming]
- Oh no, Mamie!
Mamie, you okay? She slipped.
It looks like she slipped.
- [Jean-Marc] Huguette?
- Stupid son of a bitch!
Fuck, I'm not gonna make it! [farting]
- [Huguette moaning]
- [Claire] Are you all right?
[Jean-Marc] Oh, fuck me
Talk about bad buzzing.
I'm very sorry, but honestly,
you leave me no other choice.
Look, Nora, for once this is not
their fault, this is another example
of the vermilion sweater poisoning them.
We're close to catching this guy
- I don't care.
- [Magalie] Right.
Can't you see how ridiculous
this makes us all look?
Nora. Nora, the good news in all this,
is that I'm now at 600,000 followers
because of this.
- That's more than we even wanted.
- Raph! Those 600,000 are laughing at you!
Do you seriously think
I can release a movie by a director
who bowled over his grandmother
on live television?
Nora.
I'm begging you. You know
much this movie means to me.
The first time we met, remember
what I told you? This film is my life.
Please, I'm begging you,
please don't fire me now.
[sweetly] I'm not firing you.
[Jean-Marc] There, you see?
It's gonna be fine.
Always see the glass as half-full.
I'm the one who's leaving.
I'm pulling out of the film.
And taking my money with me.
You will now all forget me.
That clear?
Nora? Nora, wait! Nora!
[Jean-Marc] I don't believe this.
- The movie's done.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck!
- Raph?
- Fuck!
[Magalie] Hang on! Raph!
[Raph] Sorry!
I don't fuckin' believe this!
Who is this fucking mole?
[screaming] Who is it? Fuck!
Who the fuck is it?!
Stop filming, please. Just stop. Please!
Fuck!
Fuck!
It was a catastrophe, all right.
When she pulled her money,
that was 60% of our total budget.
[Raph crying]
[Raph] So I pulled myself together
and kept going.
I couldn't take it anymore.
I was focused on only one thing,
that my grandmother would see this film
and be proud of me for once in her life.
And that left me no other choice.
I had to get down and dirty.
[intriguing music playing]
I have no other choice,
that's why I'm coming to you.
So, basically the plan is simple.
I need you to make Jean-Marc believe
that you're a big-time producer
who wants to invest big bucks in my film,
four million euros exactly, okay?
That way we'll get Jean-Marc
to advance the money.
Then I'll get my boat
and my special effects. The works.
You got it?
- [man speaking Spanish]
- Stop speaking Spanish, please.
This is serious.
Are you with me? You got it?
I'm in.
[British man] What a fiasco.
[rap song playing]
Get up on the scene
Let 'em play the reel ♪
Take the money shot
Make a face to pay the bills ♪
Pilot
All private jets on an island ♪
- I might be a mess but I'm stylin' ♪
- It's a fiasco! ♪
If they came for the drama
Let 'em stay for the Armageddon ♪
They want a cape and some armor
High stakes, models and weapons ♪
Empty bottle prescriptions
Unscripted with lip injections ♪
They want it all but the karma
But I'mma make sure it get 'em ♪
It's a fiasco till the fame ends ♪
A fiasco! ♪
Baby, who can blame them ♪
It's a fiasco and they can't win ♪
I dare another actor
To face me out of makeup ♪
I'll put that hammer to your mirror
Watch it crack ♪
See if the man in it won't break up ♪
Snatch you at your interview ♪
Make you swallow the mic
And the camera ♪
Now you got that inner view ♪
No need to front
If you don't want trouble ♪
I'll bust your fun bubble
Slap you and your stunt double ♪
Grab your manager and slap him too
See what a clap can do ♪
To prove that I will literally
Shoot anybody just to laugh at you ♪
- [music ends]
- [British man] What a fiasco.