FM (2009) s01e03 Episode Script

I don't care what you say.
I think they're evil.
- You can't call homeless people evil.
- Why not? Because it's hobo-phobic.
You're a hobophobe.
I'm not a hobophobe.
I'm a realist.
I've seen them skulking around on streets corners with their designer fingerless gloves and their surprisingly well-fed dogs.
They are plotting a wino revolution.
OK, from the number of texts, you've offended most listeners.
Who'd be offended? Unless they're a hobo and if they are hobos, why do they have a radio? If they have a radio, they're not a real hobo, they're pretend ones with nice trainers and good teeth.
I worked in a shelter in Croydon and very few of them were homeless dog-owning revolutionaries.
I had a Malaysian meal in Croydon once and I got food poisoning.
I went back the next day and they gave me a free meal.
The same thing happened.
This went on for a week.
We'll come back to that.
You worked in a homeless shelter? You will go anywhere to find a man.
- Look, I didn't choose to work there.
- What do you mean you didn't choose? - Who would force you to work there? - I felt I had to service my community.
You you did community service! You're a crim! What did you do? Bear-baiting? Gun running? - I was 17.
- Did they even have laws in those days? And I accidentally forgot to pay for a lipstick.
Like Harold Shipman accidentally prescribed the wrong pills.
They gave you community service for forgetting to pay for a lipstick.
Three lipsticks.
And some nail varnish.
And a toasted sandwich maker.
Oh, my God.
You're, like, a proper thief, innit? I had a klepto phase, but I grew out of it and I'm a paid up member of the paying for things club.
- Has anyone seen my wallet? - Listen Jane, It's a slippery slope.
One day you're stealing sandwich makers, the next you're forcing drug mules to swallow condoms full of heroin.
I don't think drug mules are mules.
We've all got a past.
Mine is just more interesting than yours.
Listen, Jane, I'm sorry.
You're right.
It's a sensitive subject, so let's just forget all about it.
- Let's just play a song, shall we? - Yes.
Sorry, Jane.
Sorry.
OK, this is Jane's Addiction, Been Caught Stealing.
Oh, my God.
Have you seen this thing about Ladyhawke? posI know, poor thing.
I've emailed her to make sure they're on for tomorrow.
posLook at her.
She's so delicate.
She's like a glass Barbie.
THE PIG PEN If you keep sending me these emails, I'll be forced to mark you as spam.
- You make such a sweet couple.
- Closest you'll ever get, Cox.
- Coming for a beer? - Can't.
Date.
Who's the lucky lady? - Poppy.
She's in Hollyoaks.
- Really? Which one? She's the deaf bird in the corner who does the sign thing.
A girl who can't hear what you're sayingyou.
This is really gonna work out for you.
I imagine Hollyoaks is actually better if you're deaf.
I'm gonna take her to the Cribs gig.
She's gonna be mostiest.
Why are you taking her to a gig if she's deaf? - OK.
Lindsay, beer? - Don't just assume that I'm free.
I may also have a date.
I'm actually going the movies tonight with someone, so.
- All right.
Who's your lucky lady? - Well, she's just a Lindsay, You ready? Don't wanna be late.
- What's in the bag? - Marshmallows.
- Acoustically-friendly cinema snack.
- Excuse me, gents.
I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm trying to get into a shelter.
tonight - And I just wonder - I don't have anything.
Come on, mate.
You got anything to spare? I've got a smoothie.
It's got goji berries in it.
No, thanks.
Those things have got more sugar than a can of Coke.
Where did you get those trainers? - Shop.
- Oh, keep walking, Neil.
I know what you people are up to.
Let us be, Welsh man! Does this class as sexual harassment? Those are tight.
They're supposed to be, Jane.
They're skinny jeans.
Someone dressing up for Ladyhawke? No, I like them.
They're If I'm honest, they're a little tighter than I'd like.
- I actually see your balls.
- Morning, losers! You're like a character from A Nightmare Before Christmas.
- What a gig last night.
- Dom, We're right here.
You don't haveNo need to shout.
- We're right here.
You don't have to shout.
- I can't hear you.
My ears are fucked.
I spent the whole gig sat next to a speaker so Poppy could feel the vibrations.
- She's amazing.
- Look at you all loved up! You can't do the show if you can't hear.
I said You can't do the show if you can't hear.
I've gotta do the show.
Poppy's coming to watch tonight.
Coming in to watch? - She can't listen, can she? - Dom, you're not going on air deaf.
I'll be all right.
It'll be back by lunchtime.
I've had it before.
It better be or I'll cut your nuts off.
Hello.
Ladyhawke has emailed.
She's very excited she's coming in.
Seriously.
You've gotta go out with a bird who does sign language.
Hand speed is unbelievable.
Right.
That's it.
I'm changing.
- Drinks are on you, then? - That's money from the sponsored walk.
- When was it? - It was meant to be Last Sunday, but I was ill.
- When are you gonna do it? - Not much point doing it now.
I've got all the money.
I'll just be - walking, really.
- Isn't that stealing? That's a bit rich, Pot! - What? - I'm just saying, You're the klepto.
You're calling me black when You're a pot.
- Can I have my post? - Yes.
- What are you giggling at? - Nothing.
I'm just fucking funny.
Check your email.
What have you done? It's funny! Dirty little pig! Come on.
When Dom does it, it's OK.
- You do know you've hit'reply all'? - Yeah.
Which means you've sent it to everyone.
- Including Ladyhawke.
- No! Oh, God! - Stop it! Neil, stop it! - What? The email, stop it! Catch it! - Catch it? It's not a mouse.
- Stop it! Unsend! What's the unsend button? Ladyhawke's here.
Sweet Lord! What have I done? You know you've hit'reply all'? Prick! What if I tell her that my PC's got a virus that causes it to send inappropriate emails to recently bereaved women? - What? - Dom, Lindsay, this is Ladyhawke - and this is her manager, Jules.
- Hi.
Hi.
Great to meet you both.
So excited to have you on the show.
How are you doing? How are you? Someone looks bleary-eyed.
Big weekend? Well, we had the funeral yesterday.
How was it? Did the weather hold out? Did they put on a good spread? You probably didn't have an appetite.
They say grief's good for the waistline, not that you need to worry about that.
You're gonna fade away, you little thing, if any more of your friends - die.
- Right, Coffee? Decaff for me, thanks.
- You all right looking after these guysCan you look after them for 5 minutes? - Of course I am.
We're gonna be all right.
I think so.
Why do we Have a seat.
Do you guys have Wi-Fi? I need to check my emails.
We don't It's broken.
Yeah, the router's having its modem refrag - How long until the Wi-Fi it will be fixed? - Wi-Fi's not An hour or two.
Five five hours.
Rest of the bloomin' day! Why don't you bring the guys into the studio and get set up? Good.
- What are you doing? - I am saving my arse.
Password? Morning, Mr Aktar.
Golden Virginia, please.
Thank you.
So, So, have you ever had a pet? My parents had a dog when I was a kid called Teresa, but I haven't had any pets since.
My mum's called Jill.
What's your mum's name? That reminds me.
Your mum called earlier.
I said you'd call her back.
- Cool.
Thanks.
Where's my phone? - It's next door.
Stop.
Abort.
Abort.
- Abort! Abort! - What? I bought my nephew your album yesterday.
It's good.
Cool.
My mum's called Gloria.
38, 39, and 40.
Sorry.
I didn't hear you come in.
Hey, have you seen my laptop? It was right here.
- What? - My laptop.
I was doing press-ups.
That's weird.
- What's wrong? - I think Someone's stolen my laptop.
- What? - I'm sure it'll turn up.
No, you don't understand, mate.
It had the new album on it.
The record company are gonna go ape shit.
Fuck! Cappuccinos and Hobnobs.
Still grieving.
Don't worry.
It'll be fine.
We'll find it.
- What happened? - Just turned around and it was gone.
Modern bloody society.
What? I wasn't even here! I was buying Hobnobs.
What? There's been a robbery? If only someone had pointed out the flaws in our security system.
- Yeah, I did.
- On numerous occasions.
Fucking hell! My hearing should be back by now.
You'll get no sympathy from me.
They're tools.
You need to look after them! You don't see me throwing my Leatherman in a lake.
- What's going on? - I'm deaf! Don't know how I'm gonna do the show now.
Is it earwax? I know what you need.
My mate did a BTEC in holistic therapy.
She swapped it after a term to tourism, but she got the gist.
I'll give her a ring.
I'll get it fixed for you.
Hey there, rainy face.
I got you some tea.
- It's Earl Grey.
- Thank you.
Yo.
What's crack-a-lacking peace? She'd just had her laptop stolen, so could you - You're kidding me.
What, just now? - It's got my new album on it.
I'm in the middle of a show in there.
Just give me one minute.
There he goes.
Always something better to do.
This is Topher Kiefer.
Sorry for breaking up the beats, but my girl Ladyhawke has had her laptop nicked.
I wanna do a big shout-out to anybody with any information.
Holler at me now.
He's so amazing.
Back to the music.
Peace! That's really sweet of him.
You're not really supposed to stop a song in the middle, but - I don't know if it will help, but.
- Thank you.
Come here.
Yeah, I'm gonna put a shout-out on my show tonight.
I would have done it already obviously, but I didn't wanna interfere with the police investigation.
I'm sure your album's safe.
You got a password on it, yeah? Password, right.
It must be something cryptic.
No, my password's rubbish.
It's just my name.
Your name? Bloody obvious when you think about it.
Her bloody name.
Here we go.
Just one more look.
Oh, sweet Lord! Come back to me! Everything OK? What are you doing? - Having a poo.
- Is that Ladyhawke's laptop? - It was an accident.
- They're going fucking mental out there.
- You've got to give it back now.
- I will.
Very soon.
Come on, Jane.
If they see the email, they'll think it was me.
- It was you! - I know, but I don't want them to know that.
Come on, Jane.
You're not a grass, are you? Us crims need to stick together.
- I am not a crim! - Just get me Ladyhawke's power cable.
If they find out about this, we'll be fired.
Just one last job.
One last job and then we're out.
So you're gonna remove wax from my ear while sticking in a candle made of wax? - And you're sure it's not dangerous? - No, course not.
"Attention, just keep total still so burning wax not scar face.
" Power cable! It's definitely not in there.
- Where the hell are you? - I'm helping - the police with their enquiries.
- They caught you! Remember the code! I'll make sure they catch the utter twat who's taken it.
OK.
I'll get it back right now, OK? Yeah, you do that cos Supergrass are gonna be coming in and they'll sing Caught By The Fuzz, so I wouldn't want you to miss that.
- Supergrass are coming in? - They're not confirmed.
He went that way, the thief.
I managed to wrestle the laptop from him, but then he attacked me.
- God.
Are you OK? - Yeah.
What did he look like? He was homeless.
Yeah, he was a hobo.
He was just a filthy, lawless hobo.
Hobophobe.
- Anything else? - He had white trainers and he was Welsh.
- Am I bleeding? - You're so brave.
I am brave.
Instinct kicked in and I just went - champ.
You know? Shit! Shit! Shit! It's all right.
Bollocks.
I'm pretty sure I chopped him in the neck.
Can we just get it out and check everything's OK? Wait! - I'm sorry.
- It's broken.
- What's that now? - It won't turn on.
- Brilliant.
- What? Brilliant! What the f What's next? Jesus! You got it back? - Yeah, but it's broken.
- What? Well, I learnt a bit about electronics when I was in Taiwan.
- I can have a look at it.
- That'd be great.
Yeah.
- Who goes to Taiwan? - Just some UNICEF thing.
OK, guys, just about ready to record.
OK, we'll have a little look at this.
I'll bring it out.
Thanks, guys.
- Are you gonna be all right to do the show? - It's fine now.
It's back.
Candle did the trick.
Poppy's gonna be here in a minute.
I need your help.
Cue cards.
For the show.
You read out the lines, give me the nod and I'll come back with banter.
Jane won't know I'm deaf.
Poppy will think I'm funny and no-one will know any different.
"So, Ladyhawke, I hear you were once attacked by a dog who tried to "rip your trousers off.
"Dom, have you ever had a dog try and rip your trousers off?" Yeah, every time I go to Diamond Joe's nightclub in Essex.
Hello.
Welcome back to The Lindsay Carol Show.
That was our very special guest, Ladyhawke with a track she recorded for us today.
Hi.
I'm here to see Dom Cox.
Are you Poppy? Right.
The show's just started, so I'll get somebody to take you up.
Neil, this is Poppy, she's a guest of Dom's.
Can you take her up to the studio, please? You as well? Are you deaf? Yeah.
Well, no sympathy from me.
Brought it on yourself, silly! - Lovely to have you with us.
- It's lovely to be here.
Big fans of yours here at the show, aren't we, Dom? OK, great.
So sorry.
I genuinely have so much respect for your people.
I mean, my second cousin is partially deaf.
I love all the language, all of that.
That track was called Paris Is Burning.
And that was taken from your debut album, Ladyhawke by Ladyhawke, which was an imaginative title! Where did you come up with the name Ladyhawke?, Ladyhawke? - It's from the'80s movie.
- Right, starring Rutger Hauer? A lady of taste.
"I hear that you grew up "but you're actually allergic to dairy?" - Yes.
Ironic, isn't it? - It is.
"And Dom, are you allergic to anything?" "I think I must be allergic to beautiful women "because every time I'm near one, my dick swells up.
" I know that on that debut album, Ladyhawke by Ladyhawke, you worked with six different producers.
What was that about? Are you tough to work with? I hope not.
Basically they were collaborators of mine that happened to be producers.
It was just like a giant Ladyhawke musical orgy? And I read that when you were younger, you ran over a rabbit in your mother's Toyota Corolla.
- Yes, that's true.
- That is sad.
"Didn't you once run over a badger?" Yeah, every time I go to Diamond Joe's nightclub in Essex.
OK, we'll come back to that badger story.
I know that you are putting a polish on your latest album.
- How is that? - It's going well.
It's dedicated to a friend of mine who recently passed away.
She was killed in a hit and run accident.
The last thing that went through that poor sod's head was my numberplate! - What? - What the fuck is wrong with you? - It's a joke.
- Right, We're leaving.
No, wait.
No.
I can explain.
He's deaf, aren't you, Dom? Listeners, I'm afraid today, Dom is a deaf man.
Dom's not deaf.
- He's he's deaf.
- What's going on? You're not deaf.
- Are you making fun of me? - I can't hear you! I'm deaf.
Oh, very funny! I know why you brought me here, so you could take the piss out of me in front of all your friends.
You don't give a shit about me.
It's over.
Ignorant dickhead! That was an extract from a play we're writing called "Deaf Dickhead".
And we can hear more of that right after this song.
- What the fuck is going on here? - I'm really sorry.
I can explain.
He was talking about a badger, not your dead friend.
Dom, my office now.
Sorry to interrupt, guys, but I've got a little present for you.
- You fixed it? - I think I might have.
- It should take a couple of seconds.
- No, don't! I can hear now!