Four Kings (2006) s01e03 Episode Script

Oh, God, no! Chest! Good one.
Dudes, I just chested the hell out of Jason.
Wait a minute.
It's not even 8:00 yet.
Where'd it go down? In the shower.
It's what we call a Shower Chest.
Nice, man.
A skin on skin.
You're taking the game to a new level.
I know.
My arm was in and out so fast my hand didn't even get wet.
It was like The Matrix.
Jason's all happy soaping his nooks and crannies.
And suddenly there I am.
I lock in on my target.
Pull back and-- Ow! What was that for? You know I don't play Chest.
That wasn't a Chest.
That was a demonstration of a prior Chest.
It was for educational purposes only.
I don't care.
It's a stupid game.
It's not stupid.
It's a game of honor and skill.
You punch a guy when he's not looking.
And run away.
At which point the Chestee becomes the Chester and the circle of life continues.
I guess you heard? Yeah.
How you feeling? Well, I think I felt my aorta move.
But again, nice one, Bob.
Thanks, bro.
I just hope I'm not wheezing at lunch with Mr.
Thorpe today.
Lunch with the boss? What's the occasion? Well, I don't want to jinx it, but Thorpe needs a manager for the new South Street esplanade project and I'm thinking he might ask me today.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Manager? That sounds like more work and more responsibility.
Yeah, it would be.
Great.
That means even less time with me and the boys.
I'll still be around.
No, you won't.
Get off my back, woman.
I'll see you guys tonight.
- All right, man.
- Good luck, Jason.
Oh, Barry, I've been meaning to ask you.
You still seeing Sharon? Yeah, sort of.
Except on weekends, unless I want to pay for the baby-sitter.
And I'm not allowed to kiss her on the mouth.
But other than that, yeah, sort of.
Well, that sounds like a little slice of heaven.
But in case that ever gets old, I think I got someone to set you up with.
No.
I don't do setups.
I can take care of myself.
We know.
We hear you.
And then like five minutes later, we hear you again.
Pace yourself, dude.
Look, I'm just saying I know this really great girl.
Who? I work with her at The Village Voice sometimes.
What's wrong with her? Nothing.
She's great.
So why aren't you going out with her? I don't know.
We work together.
We're friends.
Oh, I get it.
So, seriously, what's wrong with her? Nothing.
I don't buy it.
You won't even give me your last onion ring even if you're not gonna eat it.
This is better than an onion ring.
This is an actual girl you can have sex with.
Look, I'm just saying I think that she'd be great for you.
You know, she writes a music column.
You work for a music producer.
- Oh, I get it.
- Good.
You're screwing with me.
So, what is it? She's a dude? "Oh, Barry kissed a guy! Let's take a picture and put it on the Internet! Ha ha!" You know, you always destroy every good thing that comes your way.
Why do you do that? Because it doesn't add up.
Fact.
You have never set me up on a date in your entire life.
Fact.
The whole time we were in high school, if I even liked a girl, you guys would grab her first.
Fact! Sorry.
I just wanted to do one and-- All right, you know what, Barry? Just-- Just forget it.
What-- No.
All right, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, okay.
I'll go out with her.
Good.
You'll thank me.
I'll give Phyllis your number.
Phyllis? A hot girl named Phyllis? What does she drive? A broom? No, no, look.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Look, I know that you're just looking out for me.
Thank you.
Okay then.
Fine.
Look, I'm telling you.
If you can just relax, I think you'll have a great time.
I'm sure I will.
With Phyllis the She-Male.
You really think he's screwing with you? It's the only thing that makes sense.
And I don't know what is wrong with this girl, but I'm gonna find out.
And when I do, I'm gonna throw it right back in Ben's face.
Yeah.
That'll teach him to try to set you up with girls.
Now, when you're constructing the birdhouse, remember to use wood glue in the joints.
You'll want to wipe off any excess glue-- - Chest! - Oh! Good one.
Well, I completely forgot I even had a vault behind that Van Gogh.
Easiest half-million I ever made.
That's funny.
Just yesterday I found a $10 bill in the jeans I was washing.
So, that's nothing like your story.
This is good steak.
You seem nervous, Jason.
I know.
I'm sorry.
It's just you're kind of one of my heroes.
I read your first book when I was 13.
Oh, well, I'm flattered.
But just between us, I didn't write a word of it.
I didn't even do the book on tape.
We got Academy Award winner Martin Landau.
You've consistently seized every opportunity that's presented itself and capitalized on its potential.
Well, it helps when you inherit 100 million at birth.
In that spirit of seizing opportunities, I was hoping that I might have a chance to contribute more fully to upcoming South Street esplanade project.
Gunning for project manner, huh? Oh, Mr.
Thorpe, I wouldn't presume to-- Look, son.
Since you've been with us, you've demonstrated good judgment and a high degree of maturity.
And I feel quite confident-- Chest! See ya at home, sucker! Hey.
Hi, cutie.
Is Phyllis home? Uh, I'm Phyllis.
Really? Uh, I'm Barry.
Barry, it is so nice to meet you.
Come on in.
Okay.
So, Ben told me that you work for a record producer.
Yep.
Oh, that is so cool.
I mean, most men think that I'm geeky 'cause I'm so into music, but I just love knowing all the super obscure bands.
Don't you? Okay, can I admit something? Please.
Now that you're here, uh, I'm kind of relieved.
I mean, you never know with blind dates.
No, you don't.
So, hey, we totally don't have to go if you're not into it, but I just scored some last minute tickets to the Arcade Fire concert.
I love The Arcade Fire.
Great.
Well, you want to head out? - Sure.
- Okay.
Actually, just one quick thing.
What is it? Um, are you or have you ever been a dude? How was the date? You figure out what's wrong with her? Oh, yeah.
She's got the crazies.
Crazy like she wants to be tied down? Or crazy like she needs to be tied down? No, more like manic depressy, cries-for-no-reason kind of crazy.
I gotta give Ben credit though.
She seemed pretty cool at first.
Took a lot of digging to break her down.
But I broke her.
Sweet.
Check this out.
I chested Jason today at a restaurant right in front of his boss.
How much ass do we kick? - So much ass.
- So much ass.
Hey! You are a moron.
Oh, I'm a moron? Because you couldn't pull one over on me? No, sir.
I'd say that makes you the moron.
I just talked to Phyllis, and she said that you were such a jerk that she's pissed at me now.
She's insane, Ben.
She can go from pissed to happy to sad in the time it takes me to search her freezer for body parts.
But you knew that going in, didn't you? Why do-- How many times do I have to tell you I was not screwing with you? There's nothing wrong with her.
Oh, really.
Then why did she freak out when I asked her a few normal first date questions? A few normal first date questions? Like, "Do you have webbed feet?" She said she was on the swim team.
That is a fair question.
You asked her if she had a penis.
That is a yes or no question.
I am still waiting for an answer.
And, oh, boy.
That's when the tears started.
"Oh, boo-hoo! Look at me.
I'm a crazy girl.
" You know what? You're the crazy one, okay? 'Cause you have such low self-esteem that you can't believe that anyone would do something nice for you.
Well, you know what? Congratulations.
You blew your chances with a great girl.
Well done.
Oh, no, no.
You don't slow clap me.
- I slow clap you.
- Oh, real slow.
- Bravo.
- Good show.
Guys, guys! Your clapping is tearing us apart.
All right, you know what? I'm out of here.
- No, no, no.
I am out of here.
- Oh, you're out of here? Yeah, don't let the door hit you on the behind, friend.
Oh, okay.
Bobby, I cannot believe you.
I know, man.
You should've seen your face.
It was like, "Wha!" Bring it, bitch.
I'm ready for you.
Do you realize you may have cost me my future with Thorpe? You just want me to put down my cushion.
I'm not playing.
You are a child.
The rest of us, we've grown up.
We have jobs and responsibilities that we take seriously.
What do you take seriously? Chesting? Oh, we're done with Chesting.
You totally crossed the line today.
What you and I do in the shower has no place in front of my boss.
I'm sorry, dude.
I didn't know.
Thorpe was about to hand me that promotion.
But instead, I spent the rest of lunch assuring him I didn't need medical attention.
I'll be lucky if I still have a job tomorrow.
You want a free one? I won't even flex.
Grow up.
What was that about? I just got chested on the inside.
I'm really sorry.
What do you think of me? That you would put me through that? I didn't mean to.
I actually thought you guys would have a lot in common.
I mean-- Look, Barry can be a great guy.
He's just-- He's just-- He's really insecure.
You know, and a little paranoid.
And he's kind of angry.
Okay.
I don't know why I set you up with him.
I'm sorry.
Do you want to know what the weird thing is? When you called the other day, I thought that you were gonna ask me out.
You did? Yeah.
Isn't that sad? Then I said to myself, "Well, I guess I'm not his type.
He wants to set me up with buddy even though I was clearly flirting with him.
" Wait a minute.
You were flirting with me? I wore a dress to work.
For me that's like wearing pasties and g-string.
I'm all poking your side.
Playing the "I got your nose" game.
Oh, wake up, Ben.
Okay, well, wait a minute.
You have to admit that the "I got your nose" game is not a universal signal.
Okay, but I remember the dress.
I liked it.
I liked you in it.
So what? I don't care anymore because I don't like you.
I'm mad at you.
Wait.
I actually thought of asking you out once.
I did.
But, you know, we work together a lot.
I just didn't think it'd be that smart.
You're right.
It would've been a stupid idea.
I--I didn't know you felt this way.
Eh, it's all right.
Hey, Phyllis.
What? You want to see something really stupid? Oh, God-- Okay.
Jason! Bobby? Jason? Bobby? Jason, is that you? Down here, Bobby.
Jason! Too far.
What the hell are you doing here? I came by to apologize.
Great.
Thanks.
Now go.
Wait, no.
I just want to make it right.
We'll deal with this at home, okay? Jason! Oh, no.
It's Mr.
Thorpe.
He never comes down here.
J ason! Keep your mouth shut.
Jason? Too far! Bobby! Back here.
This is your office? This is terrible.
I think we're violating some kind of code.
But we're developers.
We don't care about building codes.
That's not funny.
And that's why I'm not laughing.
Mr.
Thorpe, my name is Robert.
We met yesterday at the restaurant.
I struck your associate here in the chest.
Yes, I remember you.
Bobby.
I behaved in a childish and immature way.
And I hope that didn't reflect poorly on Jason.
See, I've know this man my whole life.
And he is super smart.
And super grown up.
And you should totally give him that promotion.
And I just want to apologize for my friend.
As a boy, he fell down a ravine-- Okay, look.
I hear what you guys are saying.
But the important thing to remember in a situation like this is-- Chest! I like this guy! I like that you have friends like him.
He'll keep you young.
As you climb the corporate ladder, you'll find it's the little kid in you that keeps you going, eh? Oh, I almost forgot.
You got the promotion.
Thank you, Mr.
Thorpe.
For future reference, we have a rule about rings.
I see you went to Penn.
Still ignoring me, I see.
What? You've barely spoken to me since I went out with Phyllis.
Or should I say Sy-phyll-is.
Is that it? Is that what made her crazy? I'm not ignoring you, man.
I've just been busy.
Okay, cool.
Well, I want you to know that I'm not mad at you either.
Well, that's good to know.
Oh, this is classic Ben.
You just can't stand that you didn't get me this time.
That I got you.
Yeah, that's probably it.
Hello, Barry.
Wow.
Back for more.
Hey, uh, get a web site, lady.
There's got to be someone out there that wants you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Did you wear that dress for me? Maybe.
- Maybe.
- Hi.
You ready? - I'm so ready.
- Okay.
Brilliant, you two.
Did you work out this little act the other night? Hey, don't wait up for me.
If I'm really lucky, I won't be home soon.
He won't be home soon.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You guys are going-- You're actually going out on a date? Well, if that's what you call dinner and making out, then yeah.
Wait, hold on, hold on.
I haven't decided if I want her yet.
I think that ship has sailed, pal.
Uh, no.
That ship is docked.
Listen, listen.
I thought that he was putting me on and that you were a crazy person.
But, look, I don't think that now.
Okay.
So, clean slate.
Who do you choose? - Him or me? - Ben.
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Hear me out.
Okay, we've never met before.
Hey, what's up? I'm in the music business.
Oh, I'm clearly attracted to you.
Now choose.
- Ben.
- Hold on, hold on.
Okay, let me just sweeten the pot a little bit.
We're on vacation.
I'm doing my Chicken Dance.
You are laughing and laughing.
Ben.
- Shall we? - Please.
Bye, Barry.
Okay, okay.
No, no, no.
That's good, that's good.
You go out with him tonight, and then I'll take you out tomorrow night.
And then you choose, okay? I'll pick you up at 8:00.
And you can wear that dress.
It's pre-approved.
Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben! Oh, God, no.
Chest! And the circle of life continues.
Good one.