Frasier (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

1
But I need you.
I don't believe you. Prove it to me.
Please, I can't do this without you.
What is the word
on the street these days
about herringbone?
- Not now, Dad.
- FRASIER: It's all right, all right.
I've got some options
in the downstairs closet here.
I can't do this alone.
So tell me, are you in or are you out?
Because if I walk out that door
Is houndstooth too whimsical?
Please, Dad.
Because if I walk out that door
and you follow me,
maybe
we'll start a movement.
I want to love it. I do.
I-I do, we ju I'm just
- I'm not buying you in the role.
- Oh, what do you know? You
You're judging me on an acting scale
of one to Backdraft.
Backdraftis a cinematic masterpiece.
No, Backdraftis fire porn.
Now, I know what you two are thinking:
"here comes the Harvard lecturer
in his hackneyed tweed."
No, but I was thinking,
"How long is it gonna
take my dad to mention
he's teaching at Harvard?"
Under a minute. It's impressive.
So, just a bit longer than
you actually attended Harvard?
So, mock me if you will,
but this is the beginning
of a new academic era for me.
Frasier Crane is stepping
into a world where he can
impart wisdom
- and influence young minds.
- FREDDY: Okay, Dad,
no one loves hearing
Frasier Crane talk about
Frasier Crane more than I do,
but Eve's got a big audition this week.
Mm-hmm. It's a play about a girl
who works at a slaughterhouse
and she convinces her coworkers
to unionize
through passion, grit and a push-up bra.
Well, if the dialogue
I overheard was any indication,
then the cows are the lucky ones.
Dad, could you just
could you give us
a little peace and quiet?
Oh, I'm sorry, yes,
if only Eve had a place
where she could be on her own.
Perhaps someplace that
I've already paid for,
just directly across the hall.
Oh, wait, aren't you late for the
boarding school
where you teach unruly adolescents
the true meaning of poetry?
[KNOCKING]
I'll have you know
tweed's sophisticated wool
and sensible elbow patches
are emblematic
of the intellect and compassion it takes
to inspire young minds.
Are we twinsies?
I'll change.
Don't you have class right now?
I'm here to take your father
under my wing
and help him navigate
his first week at Harvard.
I'll be the Sancho Panza
to your Quixote.
All right, David.
You know, I know my way around Harvard.
After all, I did go to school there.
Wait, you did? 'Cause I don't think
you've ever told us that story before.
See, now, that's good acting.
Well, if it isn't world-renowned
psychiatrist, TV personality
and newly minted Harvard
educator Dr. Frasier Crane.
Please, we're friends.
Just call me world-renowned.
And to what do I owe the pleasure?
Oh, as I told Alan, I came here
to christen my newest ship.
And I thought that meant
there'd be champagne.
So I brought you a cappuccino.
You can imagine my disappointment.
Welcome aboard.
It's been years
since I've had anyone here
with any passion, excitement
or even vital signs.
- I-I also brought you this.
- Oh.
Oh, a replica "thinking cap"
from my old talk show.
How fun.
Oh, he students will go nuts
if you break it out for them.
Yes, well, you know,
I've put all that behind me.
Gone are the days when I would dole out
ridiculous advice to my TV audience.
Sure, sure.
You-you don't have to use it.
It's custom made, overnight shipping.
The point is, we're so glad you're here.
Glad? Thanks to your popularity,
hardly any students
have signed up for my class,
so I'm ecstatic.
[STUDENT WHOOPS]
Look around, uncle.
You are the rosy-cheeked debutante at
this ball of the brains.
I am the strapping, young cadet
- Go sit down, David.
- Okay.
Welcome to a History of Psychology.
In this semester, I will be
your Virgil, leading you
not through the circles of Hades
but through the
Excuse me. I have a question.
Oh, well, I can ramp back into
my Virgil speech in a moment. Uh, yes?
I think my boyfriend
might be cheating on me.
Should I confront him?
Well, I I am sorry to hear that,
but, uh, this is not my old TV show.
I'm not giving out any
personal advice. Uh Yes?
I have your first call-in question.
She's from Phoenix, Arizona.
She's my mom.
She wants to know if you're as
handsome in person as you were on TV.
[CHUCKLING]
That is not for me to say.
People Magazine said,
"Yes, absolutely," but
we're getting off track. Now, now,
to our-our first lecture.
What made
Wilhelm Maximilian Wundt tick?
Hmm? Our story begins
- in Mannheim, Germany.
- DAVID: Uncle,
this guy's not taking notes.
He's Googling you.
Stop searching "Frasier Crane height."
It's all right, David.
No, it's not okay.
Why does he need to know your net worth?
A man's true value has always be
Oh, my God, uncle,
you're like a Rockefeller.
[STUDENTS MURMURING]
Kind of makes your Christmas
gifts seem ungenerous.
All right, all right.
That's enough, that's enough!
I'd like to make one thing
absolutely clear.
This class will have
nothing to do with my career,
my public life or my old TV show.
I am here to lead you on
a challenging academic odyssey.
And if you are here
for any other reason
then I invite you to leave now.
Great.
Well, we've
separated the wheat from the chaff.
Now
are there any serious questions?
I'm six foot, one.
Tried to finish the lecture.
As I continued to talk, their eyes
just started to glaze over
as if they weren't even
Alan.
- Alan!
- Mm?
Yeah, I'm glad it went so smoothly.
- Another triumph.
- No. No.
I failed.
I wanted them to take me
seriously as a professor,
and they rejected me, completely.
If you would just stop trying,
I promise you will stop failing.
Dr. Crane, I just left
the registrar's office.
Eight students withdrew
from your class today.
Olivia, please.
Frasier's taking this
hard enough as it is.
Most of them then signed up
for your class.
Damn it, Frasier, get your act together!
OLIVIA: What happened?
I thought you'd be natural at teaching.
You have decades of experience
in TV and radio.
But that's not teaching.
That's entertainment.
I'm not a dancing bear.
Oh, no one thinks of you
as a dancing bear.
But universities have changed
since you were a student here
for thir twe for
several decades ago.
Students today
need a little showmanship.
That's where you come in.
You make the hard ideas go down easy.
[CHUCKLES]
So, I'm the cheese
wrapped around a dog's pill?
Yes, you get it.
Now, if you could just see
how enthusiastically
the students would react
to just a little glimpse of the old you,
I know you would change your mind.
I'm not changing my mind.
Okay, but we still need you to succeed.
We are paying you a lot of money.
You're paying me almost nothing.
Which is a lot of money in academia.
It is all about the numbers.
And if you do not bring more
students into this department,
well, then the numbers are not good.
What do you suggest?
Uh, well, this is a new career for you,
so maybe you would benefit
from some seasoned help.
- That sounds reasonable.
- That's perceptive.
Mm-hmm. So, until you get your sea legs,
why don't you co-teach
your classes with Alan?
- Well, that's ridiculous.
- What is wrong with you?
My goodness.
Alan is-is lazy.
He doesn't even finish
anything he starts.
And Frasier is
Eh.
What do you say, Alan
is it worth a try?
Well
Please, Alan,
help me help Dr. Crane help
the next generation of people
who will help other people.
Sounds like a Ponzi scheme
of benevolence.
Are you really saying
I should take on extra work
without extra pay?
I am saying that you should help
your oldest and dearest friend.
Without extra pay.
You can bring your cat
back to the office.
Fine, I'll do it.
Anything for a dear friend.
You're talking about your cat?
Well, who do you think
I was talking about?
You in a hurry to get home
to get your cat?
No, no, that would be silly.
Frasier Crane,
meet Margaret Scratcher.
Now, if I may,
what's so offensive
about being a dancing bear?
You're a natural showman.
Why not use that talent?
I don't want to be a showman anymore.
I want to make an impact.
Well, didn't you make an impact
on your television program?
Well, it's debatable.
But then again, you know that.
You saw it.
You did see my show, didn't you?
Of course.
B Bits and pieces.
I may have missed it.
It was on for 14 years.
Here, let me show you.
Perhaps the real reason
you have not yet asked
your daughter to forgive you
is that you have not yet
forgiven yourself.
[CRYING]
Well, this is all rather insightful.
That was season one.
Here's a clip from
season 13.
[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]
Dr. Crane ♪
He can fix your brain ♪
Keep from going insane
and take away the pain ♪
Yeah, it's Doctor, Dr. Crane. ♪
ANNOUNCER: Oh, Doctor!
[WHOOPING, CHEERING]
[LAUGHING]
How about that audience, huh, Gilbert?
Lovely, lovely, lovely!
Welcome!
Today on our show, I will be delving
into the mind of the world's
smartest pig,
Albert Swinestein!
Then, we'll unveil this week's
- Frasier's Fra-vorite Things.
- [LAUGHS]
[APPLAUSE, WHOOPING]
And Tom Arnold is here!
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
But first, let's put on
ALL: our thinking caps.
[LAUGHTER]
I see now why you may have felt
that you'd lost your way.
At one point
I hawked a tinted moisturizer
with the tagline
"I'm glistening."
And that's why I quit.
My show had devolved
into meaningless fluff.
My greatest nightmare is that
that will be my whole legacy.
Are you sure this isn't less
about how people will see you
and more about how you see yourself?
Don't you diagnose me
with your projection.
It's merely a suggestion of projection.
I have an objection
to your projection suggestion.
And I question your rejection
of my projection suggestion.
But if you're intent on
avoiding the razzle-dazzle,
then we'll have to win over
your class with substance.
And I think I know the very
substance we should start with.
Substance you're talking
about a drink, aren't you?
Oh, you mean a book.
How about that?
Ah, I was right the first time.
Oh, hi. How are you feeling
about your second class?
Better. Alan and I dug deep last night
and came up with some things
I think you're really
That's fantastic.
Uh, so I sent Alan in already
and, you know, I hope it's okay
I futzed with the lighting a little bit
and I made a few other little changes
just to help you feel more
at home. You'll barely notice.
Thank you. You're really
taking good care of me.
Anything for my "fra-vorite" teacher.
Did you say "fra-vorite"?
No.
Oh, just one more thing.
These doors are broken or whatever.
If you wouldn't mind using the, uh,
top entrance, just going around?
Okay.
[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS ON SPEAKERS]
Dr. Crane, he can fix your brain ♪
Keep from going insane ♪
It's my greatest nightmare!
ANNOUNCER: Oh, Doctor!
Dr. Crane, where are you going?
You have class.
Well, that makes one of us.
You tricked me.
No. No, no, no, no.
I tricked you and Alan.
He had no idea I had that planned.
And I was hoping that
once you saw how excited
the students were,
you would embrace the old you.
You want the dancing bear, don't you?
No. What I want is a healthy
learning environment
- for my
- You want the dancing bear!
Of course I want the dancing bear!
Why do you think I hired you
for your negligible teaching experience?
For the zero academic papers
that you've written?
No. Because you are a big,
beautiful dancing bear
in a pink tutu that the students
will actually pay attention to.
That is why you are here.
So dance, bear, dance!
I refuse!
I walked out of this job once
before and I'll do it again!
Oh, no, Dr. Crane, please, please.
I put myself on the line for you.
The numbers are bad. If you quit now,
well, the numbers
they're going to get worse.
What are these numbers
you keep talking about?
They're numbers. And they're bad.
This is Harvard!
For God's sake,
Harvard's endowment alone
You see, the big numbers
-could power a small country
-are little and the little numbers
- for centuries!
- should be big Okay,
it's not about the numbers,
it's about my sister!
All my life,
she's been just a little more popular,
a little more successful.
I don't know if-if you've ever dealt
with a-a sibling with whom you have
a very intense
and competitive relationship.
I am familiar with the dynamic.
I need your star power
to finally beat my sister.
She just made provost at Yale.
- Yale, Frasier, Yale!
- Don't you "Yale" at me!
Okay, one more time.
Can we take a break? I'm exhausted.
The last time I pushed myself this hard,
John popped out.
You got to use it, okay?
Y-You're supposed to be
at the end of your rope
in this scene, right?
You got-you got to sound
beaten down, pathetic, self-pitying,
like no one on the face of
the planet believes in you.
Do you have an example?
Am I
destined to be a failure?
One by one, they've attached strings
to my wrists and to my knees.
I've been turned into a puppet.
To dance at their behest.
And once I've outlived my usefulness,
it's back in the box I go.
Yeah. So, that, but likable.
I don't know. I feel like the energy
needs to be quirky and angrier.
What? What would that even look like?
My ire is peaked.
They booby-trapped you
in your own charisma.
How dare they debase you
by forcing you to do
the very thing you did
by choice for 15 years?
I'm sorry, what is this about?
- Allow me.
- Sit down, David.
Okay.
Things aren't working out at Harvard.
I'm thinking of leaving.
Wow.
Really?
Oh, sorry, Dad,
just so I have this
100% crystal clear
you're thinking of dropping out
of Harvard?
I [SIGHS] Dad,
do you think you gave Harvard
enough of a chance?
You're just so bright, Dad. I
I'd hate to see you waste
that kind of potential.
Are you having trouble making friends?
Tell you what
why not take a gap year?
You know, take a little time to
to think things over, 'cause, you know,
I'm just worried about
how this is gonna affect
the rest of your life.
What am I supposed to tell my friends?!
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Are you high on drugs?
Very funny. Very droll.
You quite finished?
No, Dad, I'm just kidding. [CHUCKLES]
No one gets it more than I do.
Harvard's not for everyone.
- It's-it's okay to give up.
- I'm not giving up.
No, I'm just saying there's
no shame in being a quitter.
I'm not a quitter.
Well, you quit your radio show,
you quit your TV show.
Didn't you and Uncle Niles
once have a restaurant
you quit after, like, one day?
I'm not quitting, I just
I can't seem to figure out
how to get my students
to take me seriously.
You know, the character
I'm auditioning for
nobody takes her seriously, either.
Nobody except for Julius,
the partially-blind
night shift custodian.
And the way he talks about her
allows others to see her
for the leader that she is,
right up until he falls into
the industrial meat grinder.
So
if I could find my Julius
one student with whom I could engage
in an inspiring conversation
and thereby win over the entire class.
And I bet I know just the Julius I need.
I bet you do.
After that brief hiccup yesterday,
I think it's time we got back on track.
Uh, but first,
does anyone have a question?
I have a question.
Anyone? Anyone at all?
Ah, yes, the young lady
in the back there.
Yes, I have prepared a question
for you, Dr. Crane.
Oh, wonderful.
Well, I'm excited to hear that.
I'm your helper.
I'm I'm your
I'm your Sancho Panza.
It's about Hermann Ebbinghaus.
Oh, yes, Ebbinghaus.
Oh, very interesting.
You planned this without me.
You totally went over my head.
Yes, and as a serious academic,
could you tell me
what his whole deal was?
And, please, no gimmicky showmanship.
Uh, excuse me ma'am.
Ma'am? I'm not a ma'am.
I'm a miss. I'm a young, co-ed miss.
Well, I'm convinced.
Really? 'Cause you look like an old mom.
If I look old, it's because
somebody made me wear
this stupid turtleneck.
Oh, now, as Ebbinghaus once said
Nobody is buying this little act.
Oh, yeah? Show of hands
who thinks I'm a student?
Oh Well, she-she's not.
She's just a wannabe actress
who stole my moment.
Wannabe?
I have these dweebs
eating out of my hand.
You took advantage of him, didn't you?
You took advantage
of this poor, gullible buffoon.
Or maybe I'm here because
he knew that you couldn't do it.
Well, go find your own uncle,
'cause this one's mine!
[CHANTING]: Fight, fight, fight, fight,
-fight, fight, fight,
-All right, all right.
- fight, fight, fight
- Everyone, calm down.
She's only here because my uncle pays
for an apartment for her and her baby.
All right, stop, stop!
Everyone.
I think it's time
we put on our
- thinking caps.
- Thinking caps!
Sounds like your class went well.
I was teaching next door
and the applause woke me up.
Yes.
I had them eating
out of the palm of my hand.
Did manage to squeeze in
20 minutes about Hermann Ebbinghaus
because of this silly hat,
and a story I told them about
Albert Swinestein's quiz show scandal.
So, why do you look so glum?
Because this wasn't who I wanted to be.
Thirty years ago
I left Boston
with my tail between my legs.
I had dreams of returning, triumphant.
Now those dreams just keep
slipping farther and farther away.
It's a rather fetching hat.
May I have a look?
Ow!
What was that for?
For being a baby.
You're rich, you're famous,
your students love you.
For some reason, you smell
naturally of sandalwood.
What more could you possibly want?
I wanted to make an impact.
Wanted to realize the potential I had
when I set out on this
career path 40 years ago.
I see.
That's a rather fetching belt.
Do you mind if I have a look?
Am I being that ridiculous?
You got 18-year-olds
to listen to a lecture
about Ebbinghaus for 20 minutes,
and all it took was a silly hat
and a story about a pig.
Which, by the way, I have to hear.
[GASPS] Dr. Crane. ♪
Oh, it was marvelous!
The students were raving. You're a hit.
Yes, Frasier was just
complaining about being beloved.
Do you mind if
I take a look at this hat?
Hmm.
I have a little bit of a confession.
This thinking cap
wasn't shipped overnight.
I bought it years ago when
I came to see your show live.
You were a fan of the show?
- Mm-hmm.
- You-you didn't mention that.
It's a little bit embarrassing, but
I even ran my local chapter
of the Frasier Crane Fan Club.
You were a Craniac?
Watching you lift up
and educate your viewers
that's why I decided to get my PhD.
So, my show actually inspired you,
despite all the meaningless fluff?
[CHUCKLES] Because
of the meaningless fluff.
Well, that's what pulled me in
at first, anyway.
Thank God, because otherwise,
who knows where I would be?
Probably a head of department
at some backwater community college.
Cornell.
You know,
maybe there's nothing wrong
with a little razzle-dazzle.
Just take that old
negative self-talk and
hiyah!
Thank you.
Thank you both.
Mostly Olivia.
This thinking cap of yours
didn't I see it in your office
with a price tag on it last week?
Oh, I may have embellished
to get a very sincere point across.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Well done.
Oh, and, uh,
well done also on that, uh,
pathetic Craniac thing you made up.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why were you in my office?
Oh, looking for the cat.
By the way, your desktop Zen garden's
been compromised.
["TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS" PLAYING]
FRASIER: Y'all know how this goes.
Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
Yeah, maybe. But I got you pegged.
[CHUCKLES]
But I don't know what to do ♪
With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
Life's callin' again. ♪
Back in Beantown.
What is a boy to do?