Frayed (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Your mum's got no right showing up after all these years.
No fucking right.
I'm not fat! You take that back with immediate effect! - Or what, you'll sit on me? - I've been sober for 12 years.
Who, my sister? She's run up a two grand phone bill.
How are you gonna pay for this? I need to earn money, Fiona.
I mean, proper money.
I've got a meeting in Sydney with some investors soon.
These business trips are so not legal.
- You reckon you could show me what he's up to.
- You've ruined my life! - I was gonna be something, Sammy.
- Why are you running from me? - Oh, my God.
She's angling for the house.
- What? BEV: You have to get that bitch out of there before she steals everything right out from under your nose.
WOMAN: Oh, yeah! Come to mama! - Big Jim's coming at ya.
- Oh! Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
- Grrr! - Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
Ugh! Ugh! - Oh.
Oh.
- (PANTING) (BOTH GRUNTING) I'm sorry about this.
You deserve a classy location for getting boned.
Oh, no, no.
That was great.
I haven't screwed in the back of a car in days.
What do you mean? We've never Oh.
(GRUNTS) It's just The house is so crowded.
There's no fucking privacy.
We'll get your house back.
Know that number on the phone bill, the English one your sister keeps ringing? - Yeah.
- Well, I've found a way to call it.
Well, that's really expensive.
My cousin's a pool cleaner.
He knows when all the rich people are away on holiday.
So we break in and use their pool? No, we break in and we use their phone.
Oh, yeah.
We'll find out what that scheming bitch of a sister of yours is up to.
In the meantime, don't get attached to those kids.
- They're a trap.
- (CHUCKLING) You're incredible, Beverly.
You're a man of ambition and drive.
You hunger for greatness.
Together we can do something quite remarkable.
Now, where are my underpants? (REFEREE'S WHISTLE BLOWS) DAN: That's it.
Come on.
Keep it up.
Keep it up.
See your man before you pass it.
Nice work.
Good hands.
Good hands.
That's it.
Keep it going.
Keep it going! - (THUDS) - Ow.
Fuck! Oh, shit.
Shit.
- You OK, darl? - Well, yeah.
No, I'm fine.
- You all right? - Yes.
No.
Shoo.
- Oh, she slipped over in dog shit.
- She needs first aid.
Does anyone know first aid? - Shut up! - What's going on? Oh, my God.
What is this small-town kindness? She slipped over in dog shit.
Looks really bad.
I think some poo went in her mouth.
- How is that even possible? - All right.
Look out.
I know first aid.
Sammy? What are you (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Come Come on.
(GRUNTS) Thank you, all of you, for turning that into such a bizarrely big spectacle.
You're gonna wanna wash that off, there's taps up at the top.
OK.
OK, Dan.
I'm fine, thanks.
We've gotta get back to practise.
Mr Atkins, you can stay here.
Give me the stopwatch.
- I can time the sprints.
- Nah, she's all right.
All right.
Here you go, Luke.
I know it says boobs every time you give it back.
But if you end at 1:35, you can make it say boobies.
Ha! Thanks, Mr Atkins.
They really like you.
- Oh, what, does that surprise you? - No.
I think it's great.
Remember our PE teacher Mr Isaac? Put your name as Duncan for four years.
Are we gonna do this every time we bump into each other? - Take a trip down memory lane? There you go.
- I was just being friendly.
Put some antiseptic on that and you can change that bandage when you get home.
You know what? Yeah.
Yeah, the kids do like me.
- I'm good with kids.
- Oh, Christ.
- Here we go.
- Yeah.
Here we go.
You never gave me a chance to show you who I could be.
You've been in jail.
Sorry, is that the bit you wanted me to see? Or is it living in your mum's backyard? Wow, that is low, even for you.
To refresh your memory, back then, all you did was get high and surf.
You weren't in any position to parent a child.
You're right.
I was a fuck up, but I've done my best to correct that.
You are ruthless and cold-hearted.
I don't think you can fix that.
Yeah.
Bye, Dan! My God, some DID go in my mouth.
Oh, fuck! Urgh.
Oh, shit! Oh, that's a hot bike seat.
Mum, my uniform's really tight.
My stomach hurts.
- 'Cos you ate four bowls of Choco Bombs, John Candy.
- Shut up, Leonard.
Honey, are you still constipated? - Have you had a bowel movement? - Jesus Christ.
- Can I stay home? - No, honey, there's no-one here to look after you.
- And I've got to go to work.
- ABBY: Hi, guys! - Yo, Abby.
- BOTH: Hi.
What's up? See? You've already made a friend.
- I hate it here.
- Yeah.
I know you do.
Listen, I'm getting paid soon.
I'll be able to buy you some new clothes.
- And me a BMX with tuffs? - Yes.
Yeah, of course.
Now, I love you both.
Have a good day at school.
Mum, you're embarrassing me.
If you're embarrassed, try eating dog shit for breakfast.
Oh, Jim.
Hey! Can I have a lift to work? - It's really hot.
- No.
You get nothing until you pay me back for that phone bill.
I told you, I'll pay you back, all right? Seriously, you're gonna make me ride my bike in this heat? Really? - Mum! Tell Jim to give me a lift.
- Ignore her, Mum.
- She's manipulating.
- Will you two please shut up? Just shut up.
Stop asking me to get involved in your arguments.
How old are we? - Yeah, how old are we? - Ow! And I need you two to clear your stuff out of the basement.
Yeah? I'm sick of my house being used as a dumping ground.
- Why are you so angry? - No, I'm not angry.
I just I have to get a haircut.
- Just for tonight.
- It's a Monday.
You've got AA tonight.
You're getting a haircut for that? No.
I'm just I'm going on a date tonight.
- Whoo-hoo! - Wow.
Yeah.
His name's Peter, and I met him at the pool.
- Mum, tart.
- Yeah.
(LAUGHS) - You dirty fucking whore.
- Oh.
Just thought that would sound funny.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - Mum, do you think it's a good idea missing a meeting? Sorry, you've been gone for 20 years without a word, and you're worried about me missing a meeting tonight? (CAR ENGINE STARTS AND HORN HONKS) - Sammy, hop in.
- Brilliant.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thanks, Jim.
I really I'm just joking with you.
(CHUCKLING) No, get in.
You did not just do that! Yeah? Oh, you fucking did not! Hey! Get the - It's on my balls.
- (GRUNTS) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Hey! So, what's up with the sexy little uniform, Tess? It was the only one in spares.
I forgot we had PE today.
Oh, it really suits you.
You should forget your uniform more often.
I suppose you know the timetable better, this being your second time in year nine.
- What's on your sandwich? - Choco Bombs.
- Is that an English thing? - It's a "we have no money thing.
" - (LAUGHS) - You sure Wade won't find us here? Oh, no.
No-one comes to these toilets since the rat infestation.
- (SANDWICH PLOPS) - Did you see Abby Harris today? - She had her hair up.
- She's so hot, man.
Tell me about it.
I'd like to put my - penis in her.
- Oh, me, too.
Just not at the same time that yours Only good thing about living here is I'm across the street from Abby.
This place sucks shit.
Do you have any idea what it feels like to have your home ripped out from under you? Yeah, I was four when I arrived in Australia.
Fled the Cultural Revolution after both my grandparents died from starvation.
Right, so you have some idea of how hard this is for me.
You know, we were rich before my dad died.
- How did he die? - Heart attack.
I miss home.
Every time I speak here, I get shit.
Know what the bus driver calls me? - Mary Poppins.
- (CHUCKLES) - At least you sound Australian.
- At least you're white.
Everywhere I go, I get called nip, gook, chink, - slap head, PowerPoint - It isn't a competition, Hong Kong Phooey.
- Oh, fuck off, Lady Diana.
- That's Princess Diana to you.
(BOTH LAUGH) - GIRL: Charlotte.
- GIRL: Ashley.
- Lucy.
- Jodie.
- Michelle.
- Tim.
- Dylan.
- Tony.
Andrew.
Lisa.
Go on, Tess.
Join this one.
All right.
To your positions.
No-one throws the ball till I blow the whistle, and (BLOWS WHISTLE) As soon as we're old enough, we should go to London.
- You'd love it.
- You should play that angle with Abby more, the whole London thing.
Tell her you know BROS.
- What, the whole band? - Yeah.
You think she'd like that? Which one of you fags like BROS? - (LAUGHS) - No.
No! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (BLOWS WHISTLE) All right.
Very good.
Very good, everyone.
I'm gonna go through a bit of a tutorial.
So, hitting a moving target is not as easy as it looks, is it? So I might just go through some techniques.
I'm gonna need a volunteer for this.
Abby, out on the court? Come on, hustle.
All right.
So, the first thing you're gonna wanna know is First thing, you really wanna get it right.
If you get a good twist to the torso, you throw from the shoulder.
That's where you get your power! Close.
See, the thing about hitting a moving target, you're not throwing the ball at them, you're throwing the ball at where you anticipate they are gonna be! - Shit! - Missed again.
- Ow! - Ha! Suck shit.
- (LAUGHS) - Woo-hoo! Go, Danny! You all right? (MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) - Come on, Chris.
- You sure it's at 11:00? It says so in the diary.
I preferred your other work outfits, by the way.
They were mental.
All right.
Let me go and meet the car park surveyor.
Can you turn that radio off? It's an office, not a bloody, - er, er - Disco? It's not a bloody disco.
OK.
All clear.
Hey, thank you so much for doing this.
Are you kidding? I've been dying to show this to someone.
- This is so exciting, snooping around.
- I know.
- Oh, my God, do you know what we should do? - Hide his shit? I was gonna say put a tack on his chair, but I guess we could hide his shit.
OK, so these are the tradesmen Chris has been paying for bogus inspections to get buildings condemned.
- With me? - Yes.
Chris goes to the Planning Minister with the bogus inspection.
They agree to demolish the building and redevelop the site.
Chris now has land to sell at a knock down price, - and what does land attract? - Squirrels.
- What? - No, construction companies.
Look, look.
Chris creates massive investment opportunities, then takes bribes.
- Are you listening? - No.
This is really boring.
I'm sorry.
I thought snooping around was gonna be exciting.
Why don't you give me the keywords, like an accountant, - summing up in front of a tax jury? - That's not a thing.
Look, when Chris goes away on these business trips, he's courting companies and taking bribes.
- Right.
- The thing is, this trip to Sydney is with rail firms.
This is a whole new league, like megabucks.
Megabucks? If he's making this kind of money by lying to everyone, we're entitled to a slice of it.
- It's called hush money.
- You're gonna blackmail him? No, I'm not gonna blackmail him.
I'm just gonna go to Sydney with him and demand money in return for not telling anyone what he's doing.
That's the exact definition of blackmail! Look, I really need this money, OK? I owe my brother thousands.
My daughter's clothes are so tight, she can't shit right.
Chris knows how to get away with this.
He was in criminal law, he knows the loopholes.
If this doesn't work, it could put us in an awkward position.
I'll show you an awkward position.
- Bloody Nora.
- Mm.
- Uncle Jim? - Don't you talk to me.
- You will not trap me.
- I just want to ask you a question.
- I need to concentrate, all right? - You've been with a lot of women, right? I've been with tons of women.
Probably somewhere around the, er, 219 mark.
More, if you count fingering and oral.
- Go on.
Ask me anything.
- Well, I was just wondering The best advice I can give you, all right, is to let them come first.
That can be tricky when they're really pounding hard on your dick, but they fucking hate it when you blow your load and they haven't finished.
Also, getting your face punched in, it's a pretty big turnoff.
So, you ladies need to learn some self-defence.
Come on, Bo.
Let's do some karate.
- I don't do karate.
- Are you sure? Just 'cos I'm Chinese doesn't mean I do karate.
- Like, they're not all good at maths.
- Actually, I am really good at maths.
Yeah, but you're a little bit good at karate, eh? - I told you I don't do karate.
- All right.
OK.
- (SCREAMS) - I don't do karate! - Fuck! - All right! OK.
I'm sorry.
All right.
You should come to the beach after work sometime.
- We could have a beer.
- Yeah, I should.
Listen, you won't tell Chris that I told you all that stuff? - God, no, of course, I won't.
- Yeah, 'cos he'd fire me.
- Fiona.
- What? I will not betray you.
I swear this to you.
I have spent my entire life watching men like Chris and my husband get rich lying to everyone.
Now, it is our turn, goddammit.
We're entitled to a seat at the table.
And guess what? - What? - They're not gonna invite us.
So here's a thought.
How about we take a seat? Yes! That was the coolest fucking speech.
Oh, you were all, like, "Goddammit," and I swear to you It felt really dramatic.
This is such a step up from sticking my finger up my arsehole, and dipping it in his coffee.
I need copies of all these.
Three of each.
Hey, do you know what? I'll do it.
- You go.
- And a black coffee, too.
Want me to make it before I go? (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Oh, hello.
Tess, what are you doing here? Jim said it's going to get cleared out, so I thought I'd have a look.
Oh, you're young.
You should be outside playing with your friends in the sunshine.
Don't really have any.
Right.
Well, I'm looking for an old Japanese jewellery box.
You wanna help me try to find it? I'm sure I left it here somewhere.
- I like your haircut.
- Oh, thanks.
You don't think it's too short? - No.
I love it.
You look very pretty.
- Thanks.
And you look very pretty, too, in that robe.
(LAUGHS) Do you know your grandfather brought me this when we were stationed at Yamaguchi after the war? Right, now, I'm sure it's here somewhere.
Oh, dear, my memory.
- Is this is the jewellery box? - Yes.
Oh, good girl.
A-ha! My bracelet.
- (GASPS) That's very pretty.
- You like it? Here.
Try it on.
- Grandma? - Mm-hm.
Why did Mum leave? I don't understand why it's taken so long for us to meet.
Well, things were very different back then.
When Frank when your grandpa died Yeah.
It was the right time for your mum to get out.
- How do I look? - Terrific.
- Here you go.
Ooh.
- (CHUCKLING) For protection.
- Have fun on your date.
- Yeah.
- I will try.
- (LAUGHS) (GASPS) What is that? Oh, my gosh.
Whoa.
- Bang.
- (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) You need to take off that captain's hat and put down that gun.
- Abby Harris is here.
- Why? I don't know.
Gotta come upstairs.
Her dad's here, too, and he really wants to talk to you and Mum.
It's very tense.
This is so exciting.
Oh, and if I say that I know BROS, just go along with it.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Hey.
Er, finished.
- Leave it on my desk.
So, erm, that business trip to Sydney.
Er, I was thinking about it, and if the offer's still there, I'd really like to go to those meetings.
- Really? - Yeah.
Because you were acting as if I was being dodgy.
Oh, no, I was just - I was a little surprised, that's all.
- No, you were being a typical woman.
Like, "Oh, I'm so hot, anything a man says to me is an offer of sex.
" - Don't think I was thinking that.
- An offer to work in Sydney is because he wants to get out of the city, away from his wife, and get me drunk and alone, and finally make a move on me after all these years.
Well, something like that.
No, I don't think that's No.
See, I just thought about everything that you said, - and I think you made a fantastic point.
- Hm.
You know, you and I would make a really good team.
You'd be bringing your experience and expertise in negotiating.
Exactly, and you'll be wanky as shit.
- Precisely.
- Precisely.
Oh, gee, you sound like such a wanker already? It's really great.
- I'll pick you up first thing.
- Great.
- All right, then.
- Fantastic.
- I'm very excited for you to be on board.
- Me, too.
- And the clothes I bought you look good.
- Thank you.
- I got your size right, didn't I? - Yeah.
I don't know where their mother is.
She swans around like Elena, Duchess of Branagh.
Prince Michael of Moldavia was supposed to marry, but then he met Amanda Carrington in Acapulco.
It doesn't matter.
Sammy should be here by now.
(LIGHTER FLICKS) Bo, can I borrow a drag of that? - No more smoking in this house, mister.
- Ow! - What the fuck? - I know Luke Goss.
Perhaps, we could just get on with this.
I don't think their mum needs to be here.
You're Tess, yes? Tess.
Can you tell me what you did this afternoon? - Well, I caught the bus home.
- Mm.
And then I had some toast.
Erm, then I went into the basement, - and then I tried to go to the toilet.
- (SNORTS) Sorry.
Pray, continue.
OK.
Anything else? And Well - Well, Abby and I - Told you I was here.
- Keep quiet.
- We we did some homework.
Yeah, we did some homework.
We're in the same maths class, and I'm behind, so Yeah.
I was just showing her the chapters that we'd covered so far.
And then she asked for my help with simultaneous equations - because she's a bit thick.
- (LAUGHS) - Shut up, you.
- (ABBY AND TESS CHUCKLE) (CLEARS THROAT) OK.
Well, then.
Thanks for seeing us.
(JIM CLEARS THROAT) Not at all, Terry.
Er, glad we could help.
I'll see you at school tomorrow.
Catch you tomorrow, Abby.
(JIM CLEARS THROAT) - (EXHALES) What just happened? - I was so nervous.
Do you think she believed me about Goss? JIM: Terry is so masculine.
- I don't think she believed me.
- I think she did.
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING) Hello? (ALL IMITATING GUNFIRE) - Jesus Christ.
Put those guns down.
- Relax.
They are not loaded.
- (THUD) - Whoo! That one is.
- Where did you get these? - Over in that chest.
- Let's just put them back.
- Jeez, Mum, relax.
It's just a gun.
Oh, my God.
Ruby.
She used to make it dance to a song she made up.
We used to make a dance to the song I made up.
Ruby, Ruby Tell me where you're from When the lights are gone OK, I think we've heard enough.
What about your little song about Bunny and Poof? - I don't know what you mean.
- When Jim was little, he had two favourite toys.
One of them was a rabbit and the other was one of Mum's makeup brushes.
And he called them Bunny and Poof.
- Can you sing the song? - No.
- Go on.
Come on.
- There is no song.
Bunny and Poof, Poof and Bunny - One likes carrots and - The other loves honey - So, the makeup brush eats honey? - Yes, Leonard.
Yes.
He fucking loves the stuff.
Mum, we had the most exciting afternoon.
- Where the fuck have you been? - I got stuck at work.
Sorry.
Abby and her dad came over and Abby was in so much trouble.
- We met in the kitchen.
- He wanted to know where Tess was this afternoon, and Tess told her dad that Abby was here.
(LAUGHING) Wow.
- Hang on, was she? - Are you kidding? As if Abby would come to our house.
- Tess, honey, you lied? - Yes.
I said we were doing maths homework together.
It was bloody good lying, Tess.
No, no, no, honey, no.
You don't lie, sweetheart.
It's really dishonest.
- It could get you into all sorts of trouble.
- (BLOWS RASPBERRY) - As if you can talk, Simone.
- Good one, Uncle Jim.
- Jim, can I just have a word upstairs? - Yeah.
Lenny, if I can get that fan belt, - do you wanna do some work on the car tomorrow? - OK.
And, Tess, good job today.
- Thanks.
- I'm so proud of you.
Abby was probably up to no good this afternoon, doing something illegal, and she escaped punishment because you didn't snitch.
- Get upstairs.
- What? (GROANS) - Hey! - Look.
I appreciate that you and the kids are getting along well, and I think it's great, OK? - But don't do that.
- Don't do what? Undermine me in front of them.
You're such a fucking hypocrite.
You think you're the only one who's learned to lie to get ahead, and if someone else does it, well, no, that's dishonest.
I do not want to set up a precedent in my daughter's life - for that jailbait next door.
- Tess is having a miserable time at school.
If she gets Abby on her side, people will stop bullying her.
OK.
Well, thank you so much for your input on parenting.
But they are MY children.
- Now, have you fed them? - Oh, go fuck yourself.
- See you, Bo.
- (GASPS) - Jesus! Who are you? - I'm Bo.
- They haven't had dinner yet.
- Well, you're Chinese.
Does your family own a restaurant or something? Why is this family so racist? But, yeah, we do.
- Oh, is it the one on Derby Street? - Yeah.
- You been there? - Yeah.
Blue eyed, dressed for every situation Moving through the doorway of a nation Pick me up and shake the doubt Baby, I can't do without (BREATHES HEAVILY) (GRUNTS) Oh, God.
- Hey.
- Sorry, I'm a bit late.
- Wow, your hair looks great.
- Oh, yeah? I've never worn it this short before.
Well, I did when I was younger, but that was a long time ago.
- Well, not that long ago.
- Well, it looks terrific.
- Thanks.
- What about my hair? It's lovely.
Very elegant.
If you don't like it here, we can go somewhere else.
- No, no.
I like it.
It's very nice.
- OK.
- It's just you seem a bit - No.
I'm fine.
I'm, you know Erm, I was just a little bit nervous.
Well, I think we need some drinks.
Do you drink wine? - White, red, rosé? - Whatever.
- Don't mind.
- How about a bottle of each? (BOTH CHUCKLE) Yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT) (DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE) - This feels wrong.
- It's not wrong.
We're just gonna use their phone.
Look at this place.
A phone call means nothing to these people.
What we're gonna do is use their phone.
Take this soda stream.
You know, maybe some other light electricals, any choice pieces of jewellery, maybe some prescription medication.
If you have the same size shoe as any of them, we're just going to take some shoes.
I also like this hat.
Well, it just feels a little illegal.
Your sister is engaged in something illegal and needs to be exposed for the criminal she is.
We are merely trying to get to the truth.
(DIALLING) Oh, hello, my name is Prudence Badminton-Wells.
- I'm an associate of Samantha - Simone.
- She went by the name of Simone.
- What a cunt! Simone Burbeck.
Yes, yes.
Well, this is rather strange, really.
But I'm having great difficulty locating her.
A mutual friend suggested it might be worth liaising with your office.
I see.
When will he be back? I'm sorry.
Did you say Rufus Fenshaw? Yes, yes, I do know him.
My husband was a year above him in - Cambridge.
- (GRUNTS SOFTLY) No, I don't believe I have his new number.
Mrs Atkins.
Yes.
- Hey.
It's Sammy.
- Yes, I know.
I'm sorry.
- I don't know what's wrong with me today.
- That's all right.
- Maybe I can help.
- I must post this birthday card today.
I need to speak to the postmaster.
Yeah, I think the post office is closed right now.
But I'll tell you what.
Why don't I take it, and I'll post for you? Would you, dear? Do you want to walk home together? Oh, it's, er It's back up this way.
You have been ever so helpful.
Thank you.
Bye.
- Home fuckin' phone number of her lawyer.
- Oh.
- (LAUGHS) - Good one.
That's pretty good.
- What? - I don't know.
Are we doing the right thing? I hate Sammy, that goes without saying, but the kids, you know Lenny and I've been working on the car, and there was this meeting in the kitchen with all the parents, and it was like, I don't know, it just felt nice.
- Do you know what I mean? - No, I don't know what you mean.
Like, maybe we shouldn't be sniffing around like this.
We are so close to figuring out what your sister is up to.
I just don't want to punish the kids, this isn't their fault.
I don't fucking believe this.
I was actually thinking we should think about, you know starting our own family.
What about all the money Sammy owes you, the lies? And the fact that she's trying to steal your house from you.
- Doesn't any of that make you angry? - Yeah, but (SIGHS) I thought you had balls.
If you want to get screwed over a barrel, go for it.
Have fun paying for your sister and her kids' expenses.
- Bev.
- When she steals the house from you, - good luck finding public housing.
- Is that really hard? Well, it's actually pretty easy, but it is not a house on the beach.
That property is priceless.
You can kiss it goodbye, because your big sister is playing you.
- Get out.
- Bev, listen, I I'm in love with you.
You're not the man I thought you were.
I thought you had ambition and drive.
I thought together we could do something remarkable.
Now, go.
Get out! OK.
- Go! - OK.
Hang on.
First, just help me grab that fish tank.
Then I want you out.
- What? - It's gonna be easy.
There's five fish in that thing.
What I do know is she was supposed to be over there at 12 o'clock.
I spoke to Brett, Brett Samson, or whatever.
He's the manager over there at the club.
- But I Oh, thank Christ.
Mum? - What? I had to post a card, potty mouth.
What are the police doing here? It's not a marijuana raid, is it? No, I mean, I used to, you know, back when I was younger.
- Look, she she still thinks I'm in high school.
- Well, you might want to start thinking about alternate living situations.
When they start wandering, they can be a real danger to themselves.
Yeah, all right.
Anyway, thank you.
Appreciate it.
What nonsense? I was just shopping.
You've been missing since mid-day.
You were supposed to be at the club.
I'm not a child.
- (SIREN WAILING) - Where did you find her? She was down at the old post office.
What? - Grandad has been dead for over 20 years.
- Yeah, I know.
I was at the funeral, remember? I'm gonna have to put her into care.
Just feels so wrong, you know.
I mean, she was there for me when I got out of She took me back when I had nothing.
I know, it's really hard.
I know.
- Really? - Oh.
Oh, so you know about family loyalty and caring for someone when they're at their lowest.
- Dan, that's not what I meant.
- "Oh, it's really hard.
" (LAUGHS) Mum and I fell apart after you left.
I know I made a lot of mistakes, but you weren't there for anyone.
So don't just stand there and tell me that you know that it's really hard caring for someone when they need help.
Do you know what? If it wasn't for me, you and those cops would be out wandering the streets of Newcastle all night, trying to find your demented Mum.
So, maybe a fucking thank you is in order, you self-pitying little shit.
(SCOFFS) You know, and not that it even matters, 'cos you're having such a lovely time hating me, but your grandpa's funeral was kind of a memorable day for me.
(SIGHS) Fine.
Thank you for finding Mum.
- You're welcome.
- And I do remember that funeral, and I was And what we did after.
Shit, Dan.
I mean, that was the first penis I touched.
Oh, Jesus.
Keep it down.
Trish will be here any minute.
Oh, well, Christ help us if we upset Trish.
- Oh, we don't want to upset Trish.
- And there's her car.
Oh, fuck! Hey, how about we have a quick round of questions? Just general stuff, we can ask each other anything.
- Yeah, OK.
- Do you work? I volunteer at the church twice a week.
I've never trained as anything.
I know girls these days do, but I was just a housewife.
Well, I was an electrical engineer, retired now.
- Kids? - Two, Sammy is 41, Jim's 38.
Well, I have two daughters.
Sally is 39.
Rebecca is 37.
- Right.
- Do you get on with yours? - No, I can't stand them.
- (LAUGHS) No, they drive me insane.
I want them out of my house.
- Divorced? - Widowed.
Oh, I'm sorry.
How long? - 23 years.
- Wow.
He died young.
- If you don't mind me asking.
- No, no, it's fine.
Frank, erm Yeah, he drowned.
Well, we We think, because his body was never Erm, anyway Yeah, he'd been drinking.
Has there been anyone since? - No-one? - No.
God.
- I must sound pathetic.
- No.
Doesn't sound pathetic.
I'm just surprised.
Look, tell me about your church work.
Well, we, erm Peter, I'm so sorry.
- I don't think I know how to do this.
- Where are you going? - I Thank you for this.
- Well, we have dinner (SNORING) (CLATTERING) Hey, did I wake you up? No.
So, thanks, you know, for lying for me this afternoon.
So, why did you do it? - You mean, after you being such a bitch to me? - I'm not a bitch.
Well, if you don't want people to think you're a bitch, - stop acting like such a bitch.
- You didn't answer my question.
- Why did you lie for me? - I don't know.
I think I felt sorry for you.
You look different when you're scared.
I'm going back to bed.
This doesn't make us friends, you know.
I don't want to be your friend.
I want you to leave me alone.
- Jean, hey, will you please wait? - No, please.
I'm sorry.
This was a really bad idea.
It's not you.
You're a very nice man.
- I just think, if you gave this more of a chance - You don't understand.
- We can just chat.
- No, I don't want to chat.
I don't want to talk about the boring people I do boring volunteer work with.
I don't want to talk about how I've never really done anything, and I never really fit in anywhere, and I don't want to talk about how it's been over 20 years.
(SCOFFS) 23 goddamn years.
I don't think that I ever got to be the person that I was meant to be.
I don't want to chat about that.
Well, then don't.
Let's do whatever you want to do.
Well I don't know.
I You know, I just thought I'd like to go to I want to go to, you know - Do you want to come back to my house? - Yes.
Yeah, because I If I can get all of this stuff out, yeah, maybe I could have a normal conversation, because I am very, very angry right now.
Ah, I'm just Ugh.
Fuck.
I'm just gonna have a seat.
(CLEARS THROAT) (SIGHS) Well, maybe it would be a good idea if you took it out on me.
(LAUGHS) - Yeah, OK.
- Although I've got a herniated disc, so I've got bursitis on both hips.
I've had a knee replacement.
- I've got a torn rotator cuff.
- I have tennis elbow.
Well, I've got Achilles tendonitis.
Well, we should probably do some stretches.
(SNIFFLES) Hey, Jim.
- What are you doing up? - My house.
I can do whatever I want when I want.
- Have you been crying? - Don't be fucking stupid.
You have been.
Don't you panic eating.
What's up? How about you mind your own beeswax? You've got no right to be here in the first place, let alone meddle in my personal affairs.
Just get out of my sight.
You know what this sounds like to me? Sounds to me like you've got your very first period and you need to talk about your sore little vagina.
That's it.
I want you out of this house right now.
You can't make that decision.
This is not your house.
- Yes, it is, I've been here for 20 years.
- I was born first.
That wasn't the evening I expected, I'll be honest.
Oh, yeah, probably don't tell the guys down at the pool.
- Oh, I'm telling everyone.
- (LAUGHS) You're going to get a real reputation.
I'll write about you on toilet doors, your phone number, and everything.
- (CHUCKLES) - Listen, this might be a bit fast, but I have a friend whose son's opened a restaurant.
It's in the vineyards.
We could go up for the night.
Er Yeah.
OK, that sounds good.
I really enjoyed tonight.
You were so honest with me.
I haven't had that with anyone for a long time.
Me, too.
- See you at the pool tomorrow? - I might need a bit of a sleep-in.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE) - See ya.
You ruined my fucking life.
I've lost Bev because of you.
You're gonna blame me for that? Explain to me how I'm responsible for Bev leaving you! Mum, thank God you're here.
Sammy's presence in this house has become toxic.
Yeah.
And she's not cleaned out one thing out of the basement.
You were strict and specific about your instructions.
That is bullshit! I cleaned out a bunch of magazines.
Most of the crap down there is yours, anyway! - Listen.
- What? You don't have to clean out the basement, all right? Muah.
I love you both.
Good night.
OK, captains, choose your teams.
Tess Burbeck.
There's always some scheme with you, isn't there, Joan Collins? Ugh! This is illegal, Abby.
Why does everyone think I'm a prostitute? Fuck you.
There's a lovely bistro.
Oh! (LAUGHS) Ahh! Bev! Beverly! - Oh, shit! - Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!