Free Agents (2011) s01e03 Episode Script

Yeah, I don't see this working out for you, Alex.
Real men don't use umbrellas.
There's just no spinning it.
Thanks, I'll use it in my pitch.
Men and umbrellas, we have nothing, because there's no point in trying.
Sorry.
So, this guy running with a newspaper over his head That's manly to you? Uh, it's manlier than carrying around a portable man awning to protect yourself from water.
I'm using human ingenuity to conquer the elements.
How is that not manly? Your manliness is not in question.
It's socially acceptable for a man to use an umbrella if he's with a lady, so as long as you're with me, you're cool.
I see.
So my masculinity is defined by my proximity to you? - Yeah.
- Huh.
- Well, let's see, shall we? - Alex! No, I still feel pretty masculine.
In fact, I feel even more masculine, because I'm not s-- Aah! That's great.
Very funny.
Skinny nutmeg cappuccino, low-fat peach muffin, and mini-scones! - Yeah, thank you.
- You're welcome.
It's not really mine.
It's-- I'm just--it's for a woman.
- Right.
Let me help you.
- Oh.
Ooh, well done.
Thank you.
My point is, is it not more masculine not to conform to societal norms? Yeah, but don't over-think it.
If we're both under the umbrella together, you're still manly.
Yeah, but shouldn't I be holding it? If you can oh, help me oh, yeah Okay, umbrellas.
Women love them, and men don't.
So to generate press, we would have Landon umbrellas sponsor a "manliest jobs in America" competition, where coverage would feature images marrying your product to images of "real men," such as cops, construction workers, members of the armed forces, truckers, firefighters, all the way to rodeo cowboys, ranchers, and loggers.
Hmm.
I'm wondering if, um-- Wondering if the manliest job in America is being a member of the Village People? Well These are obviously just stock photos.
The actual submissions would be much less, you know, daddies and bears.
Also there was not a trucker in the Village People.
So Ah.
So do I even need to explain to you why that was totally uncool? Your presentation? I thought I explained to you why it was uncool.
Okay, how about this? You are my-- Sunshine? Ooh, inspiration? "Assistant" is the word I was looking for, and while I appreciate that you have thoughts and opinions-- I really do--I'd much prefer you not share them right in the middle of my pitching to a client, okay? So, then, like, after the meeting? Like, how about worrying more about doing your job and less about trying to do mine? - I don't really worry.
- Well, give it a try.
Okay, not a home run, but, uh, that feedback'll definitely be helpful for-- Alex, I'm gonna skip the sports metaphors, because none of your American sports make sense.
Except the volleyball women play on a beach.
Let's try a business metaphor.
I want Emma to work with your team as you rework your presentation.
Metaphor, as in you don't literally mean you want Emma to work on the presentation.
Okay, no, then it's not a metaphor.
The client found her amusing, and I think she would bring a fresh perspective to the project, shake things up a bit.
Agreed? Agreed.
Helen, my little fruitcake, I read your media strategy outline on Billix Chemical.
Good job.
God.
One.
One so-so pitch, he feels he has to do the "shake things up a bit" thing.
Stephen hated my outline.
What are you saying? He just said you did a good job.
I know! You do know that "good" is not bad, right? Oh, "good" is nothing.
It's filler.
It's these Crappy fern things.
So when you said that sex with me was good, that--that meant what? How can I be so off of my game when I'm so on top of everything? Your fiance did pass away somewhat recently.
And I poured myself into my work, which is all the reason I should be extra awesome at it.
Or maybe you're a bit too focused on work.
That's not even a thing.
Look, I know you hate to hear this stuff, but actually I started seeing somebody recently, and it's--it's been amazingly helpful.
When did you start seeing someone? Oh, you know, about a month ago.
You are aware that I'm talking about a therapist, right? - Yeah.
- All right, all right.
So, now, don't panic.
But, you know, just in case you're interested, let me give you his information.
No, unlike you, I don't need therapy.
Well, good job.
"Dr.
Who"? Your therapist is a fictional time-traveling humanoid-- It's pronounced "Hu," and do make that joke, 'cause he's definitely never heard that before.
Maybe I will.
It's gonna be hilarious.
Stephen is seriously putting Emma on the team? Does this mean Gregg will get fired? We just financed a gazebo, man.
Guys, relax, okay? This is just something that Stephen does every once in a while to make everybody crazy.
He thinks we'll all work harder if we're scared for our job.
So he's just pitting us against each other for his own amusement.
- Like Gladiator? - Or Dangerous Liaisons? Just wish he'd pick another week for this crap.
I have my kids all week.
I don't know why you're making this about you, Alex.
We need to concentrate on destroying Emma.
Get out.
- Oh.
- Serious.
Yep.
If we're going with the Kuebler-Ross "five stages of grief" model, I'm at stage five: Resilience.
Although the Bonnano theory, that we're simply resilient creatures, is actually much more my speed.
And that's the key to the whole mental health thing anyway.
Right? Resilience? That's an important part of it.
My point is, I'm a girl that bounces back.
I'm bouncy.
Is this boring, by the way? I can skip ahead.
No, it's definitely not boring.
You know what? I'm just gonna skip to the mental health checklist.
"Uh, am I in a state of well-being in which I realize my abilities?" Yes.
Uh, "Can I work productively?" Yes.
"Am I able to make a contribution to my community?" Yes.
I haven't, but now that I know I'm supposed to, I will.
Uh, anyway, you know this list.
"Yes, yes, yes.
" Um, I'm really sorry for wasting your time, but obviously I do not need therapy.
I think if it's something you'd like to pursue, you should, but-- But I-- I don't need to.
No.
Phew.
Well, thank you Dr.
Hu.
Oh, what the hell? Ugh.
Busy.
Oh.
I had to lock it, because I'm organized, and people kept touching things.
Emma, I--I appreciate your gung-ho spirit, I do, but-- Okay, this seems speechy, and I have a meeting with Farnsworth in five minutes.
- Who the hell is Farnsworth? - P.
Diddy's umbrella carrier.
Did you seriously not know that? Who's answering my phones right now? Voicemail.
I can't answer phones and make men like umbrellas.
Your divorce lawyer calls 12 times a day.
Look, Emma, I think-- Emma.
Emma, hey, stop.
I think you think this is some, like, big opportunity for you to, like, jump into the field and take out the weakest member of the herd or something, but I assure you that it's not.
What it can be is a learning experience for you.
So may I suggest that you just cool your jets here, be respectful, and take your place as a member of the team? Okay.
- Okay? - Yeah.
You're gonna be respectful and join the team in a supportive fashion? Okay.
All right.
Good.
- Hey.
- Well, you may be right.
There's absolutely no way to make umbrellas masculine.
No, umbrellas are just-- they're just not cool.
One cool thing about umbrellas-- You can kill somebody with one if necessary.
Yeah, I knew a guy who killed another guy with an umbrella once.
He didn't "kill him" kill him.
He scratched him, and the infection killed him.
But stillkilled him with an umbrella.
Food for thought.
That's not a bad idea.
I can actually spin that.
So turns out your Dr.
Hu is a fantastic therapist.
Did you go to see him? That's fantastic.
Listen, I think he's very smart and insightful.
Oh, he is.
He said that I'm fine and I don't need therapy.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Did you talk? Uh, yeah, of course I talked.
About actual things like, you know, your fondness for wine, and how you use work as an excuse to avoid ever going out, and your fondness for wine? Oh, I'm ready to start going out.
Really? That's great.
I'm actually having drinks with someone tonight.
You are? With who? Yep.
What? With Hu.
I'm having drinks with Dr.
Hu.
Who is not my doctor, because I don't need therapy, so I'm not a patient.
Whoa, whoa.
So you're finally ready to date, and the person that you choose to go out with is my therapist? Well, not like out of all the world.
If there was a Bardem option-- Really? Those are the only two options? Javier Bardem and my therapist? Alex, it's not a personal rejection.
It's just that one of us still needs therapy.
Yeah, you.
Ugh, if this were The Breakfast Club, you would be Ally Sheedy.
Emilio Estevez.
Oh, I am not the basket case.
I am the popular jock with hidden depths.
Hi.
Who are you? - Marty.
- Marty? Are you leaving? Aren't you doing the concept meeting on Landon? I thought that was tomorrow morning.
No, Emma rescheduled.
Didn't you get the email? No, I didn't, and I can't do that tonight.
I have my kids, as Emma well knows.
Right, sorry.
I had a conflict, and I haven't been at my old desk.
Marty, F.
Y.
I, Alex is N/A all week, kids.
Marty's got it.
Won't happen again.
Great.
Who's Marty? She got a temp.
You said you wanted your phones answered.
Okay, tell you what, here's everything I have so far.
I'll take a look at what you have in the morning, and we'll see if there's anything that we wanna run by Stephen, okay? Enjoy.
How often do I suggest destroying someone? I mean, why didn't you take me seriously? Oh, that's great, thank you so much.
You're my first Asian, by the way.
I'm lying.
Second.
Third.
If middle-school closed-mouth kissing counts as a date.
Well, I like to be in the top five, so good thing you asked me out when you did.
Well, good thing you thought I was sane.
- Oops.
- Mm, I am a tiny bit nervous.
I haven't done this in a while.
The dating part, not the drinking wine from a glass part.
That part I got down.
And now I made it sound like I have a drinking problem, which I don't.
My mother always says you can drink more than you should, as long as it's less than you could.
So now that I made her sound like an alcoholic, I will tell you that she is not.
She's a drinker-ish, but it's not an issue.
She's just, like, boozy in a flirty way.
So are you close with your parents? No, no.
But I'm not not close with them.
I'm the appropriate amount of close with them, you know, for me.
I'm fine with the degree of close that we are.
As are they, you know, to my knowledge.
You know, we haven't really talked about it, but they raised me, which was nice.
Well, they must've done something right.
Are you waiting for me to name it? No, it was a-- it was a compliment.
Yes.
This is a date.
Yes.
So tell me about your job.
You know, I like working.
I don't see how defining yourself as being amazing at your job is a negative thing, unless, you know, you're, like, a hooker or somebody that gases shelter animals.
I think I may have phrased that wrong.
What do you do for a living? This is starting to feel like therapy, which I don't need, right? Do it.
That's hilarious.
- Hey.
- Alex, hey.
What time is it? It's 8:15 in the morning.
What are you guys doing? Emma comes up with this awesome idea, we start riffing on it, we ordered pizza.
Up top.
Boom! Scared jellyfish.
Came up with that last night.
Could not have done it without the rock stars-- the hammer and icepick.
Wait, I thought I was icepick, though.
Check it--viral videos.
Umbrellas as weapons.
It's fresh.
It's edgy.
Umbrellas as weapons.
That--that's your idea? Okay, the germ of the idea was in your file, but we took it and turned it into something cool.
No, it's--it's edgy.
I just don't know that I'd actually run with that.
I mean, you know, if you look at the market-- Stephen loves it, and he wants us to run with it.
- You pitched it to Stephen? - Yeah.
Look, I understand you're upset.
You feel like you dropped the ball.
No, there's no ball, Emma, and you don't go over my head.
You did drop it.
I didn't, because there's no ball, okay? And if there were a ball, you wouldn't get it, and not to be cruel, but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you did get it.
Okay, I feel like you're really talking about sports now.
Look, there's a process to this, okay? I'm trying to take you through it.
I understand.
It's called Darwinism.
Survival of the et cetera.
And you're old, stressed, and preoccupied with kids and ex-wives, and I'm a laser beam of focus and ambition.
You're threatened.
I get it.
You know what? I've been really patient.
But if you keep this up, I'm gonna take you down.
You're gonna what? I'm gonna take you down.
You're gonna take me down? With all those balls in the air? I'm gonna take you down.
So many balls, you don't even know what day of the week it is.
It's Thursday.
At 8:30.
Oh, son of a bitch.
Ugh! I'll take a person down if nee and that's exactly what I told her.
- I'm not clear on-- - Also I I referred a friend to you, who I felt could, you know, benefit from therapy, and, uh, you kind of told her she was fine, and-- I'm confused.
I didn't get a referral from you.
Really? No work-obsessed, control-freak, in grief-denying people came in for help, and instead left scribbling "Cocktails with Hu" in her calendar, huh? Do you mean Helen Ryan? Wait, Alex, I had no idea Helen was a friend of yours.
I swear.
She didn't mention you.
She didn't mention me? Like, at all? Helen isn't the woman from work that you-- Yeah.
This is awkward.
Um, look, I hope you know I would never intentionally do anything to impede your progress.
My progress is fine.
In fact do you think I need to keep coming back? Ifeel like I'm doing pretty good.
Right? - Ugh! - Wah! And then we also-- we added in some audio of Gregg whimpering during the reach-around.
- What do you think? - I think I don't know why I've become so fond of Emma.
I think I see myself in her.
I think your narcissism and your lechery have finally just melded together.
- So they did.
- Yeah.
Stephen, come on.
- You've made your point.
- What point is that? Work harder, or whatever.
I get it.
We all get it.
Really, can we just-- - Can we call off Emma now? - Call her off? I think she's a splendid addition.
Just look at her go like a rat up a rope.
I bet she could pitch it if you gave her the chance.
- Well, maybe she should.
- Maybe she will.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Emma, how would you like to make the presentation tomorrow? - Me? - Yeah.
- Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.
You won't bug me about teamwork, or try to take me down? No, no, no.
So I'mdoing the pitch? - Yeah.
- Good.
I'm doing the pitch.
- What? Boom! Nice! - Hey, hey! - Good.
- Good.
Good.
Hey.
What did you do? Dr.
Hu canceled our next date.
I know you did something to screw things up.
Perhaps he found your persecution complex unattractive.
Oh, this isn't over.
I'm having that date reinstated.
Oh, you know, can we just-- We both know the reason why you're interested in dating this guy.
Oh, we do? Is it because he's hot and a doctor? Excuse me.
I said double-pump gingerbread.
I'm sorry.
Gingerbread lattes are seasonal.
This is basically you-- a disposable cup of lukewarm liquid failure.
And these graphs look like monsters' asses.
You have 15 minutes to do 'em over.
Uh, more like five.
Landon's here.
Uh, wouldn't keep him waiting too long.
Okay, look, title page here.
Should it say "youthful" or "fresh"? Um, fresh.
Youthful, youthful.
Hip.
Not hip.
Good luck in there.
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
Uh, reprint these with "fresh.
" I'm gonna go puke a little, and then we're gonna go blow Landon away, okay? So harness a fresh new medium using viral videos and gorilla-ish style marketing, and get people talking about an old-- uh, established product in a new way.
- A fresh way.
- Youthful.
Interesting.
And fresh, if-- if you, um, let it sit In your brain.
But we've tried this type of thing before.
Young guys just don't think using an umbrella is cool.
You know what young guys do think is cool, though, is their hair.
Look, did you read the article Men's Health about how contaminants in rain cause male pattern baldness? No, I did not.
Yeah, that's 'cause we haven't planted it yet.
But when we start to circulate studies linking hair loss with rain exposure, you're gonna see a lot more young men worrying about getting rain on their head.
You see the research? The numbers are unbelievable, to the point where I can't believe we haven't thought of this before.
Here we are! I'd like to propose a toast.
- Umbrellas! - Ah, yeah! So you did it.
You took me down.
You know what it means when you have a lot of balls in the air, don't you? No, but I'm sorry I ever said the word "balls" near you.
It means you can juggle.
Good job, Emma.
Now, back into your desk tomorrow morning.
Mm.
You know, you could've just told me that you want me to step up my game.
Possibly, you old tosser, but how fun would that be? Yet another Pinot Grigio for table six.
The redhead and the hot Asian guy.
Oh, I don't know what Alex said about me, but I am fine.
You seem preoccupied with Alex.
No, he is a colleague and a friend-ish person.
Believe me, he's not an issue.
- Are you sure about that? - Well, well, well.
Look "Hu" it is.
Really? This is what you're doing? Oh, what I'm doing is bad? Like you didn't purposely pick the one restaurant where you know I bring clients? Oh, like every move you make is so important I have to commit it to memory.
I see.
So you're just subconsciously trying to rub your fake sanity into my face.
Oh, could you please just have him committed already? - Seriously.
- Me committed? Me? Allow me to explain "crazy" to the both of you, okay? "Crazy" is dating a former lover's therapist to somehow prove that you're sane, okay? "Crazy" is a therapist who meets the most in-denial woman on the face of the planet, and tells her not only she's fine, but then starts to date her.
Me being pissed off about that is the most sane thing happening in this general area.
Well, he is not my therapist, because unlike you, I don't need one.
Darling, you need therapy more than any other human being I have ever met in my life.
Have you met yourself? Can I just say one thing, please? You are co-dependent wackjobs.
Wait, is he just really leaving? What the hell, man? "Co-dependent wackjobs.
" Is that the official psychological term, you think? He's weird.
He thought you were an issue.
Really? He thought you were just a response to my divorce.
See? This is why I don't believe in therapy.
Blanket statements like that.
All he did was ask questions.
- There was no, like-- - Back and forth.
I know, right? - It's all very-- - One-sided.
- And judgy.
- Exactly.
- Yes.
Totally.
- Who needs that? Now his name isn't even funny.
See? This is why I don't date.
Oh, my God.
Did you get green beans? - No.
Are they good? - Mmm.
You know, I should've known.
No one with dimples has ever helped anybody.
Shut up.
Look at this.
He's like Bruce Lee! This is what I call the "Hong Kong Bowtie.
" - Nice! - Yeah.
- Really good, Walter.
- Thank you.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Can you knock this off Gregg's head? Of course I can.
Daniel, give me some room.
- I can do that for ya.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
Stand straight.
I really don't like it when people swing things at my head.
- Don't be a little-- - Ugh! - Oh, my-- - Ow! Uh I'll get some ice.