Fresh Meat (2011) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
So I was all like, "well for one thing the aluminium "on your precious fixed wheel road-bike comes from bauxite.
"You dick!" Huh! Squish! Nailed.
Serious, call me delirious.
Tell you what if I had to teach that everyday I'd be like, "can someone get me a restraining order for my knob!" You know? Yeah, can you say that, is that OK, in your position? Drama.
Oh, yeah.
Dramies.
Don't look boys.
Don't even look.
It's Narnia over there in Drama.
Oh, "this morning, students, let's all climb onto a bag and hump".
I mean great.
But who's getting the suck jobs when the guys from the petro-chemicals industry comes recruiting? Hmm, yeah.
G to the E to the Ologists.
All right ladies.
Looks kinky.
Need a hand? Go on! Is it someone I know? Don't ask.
Trust.
Cos I like you Yeah, I like you And I feel so Bohemian like you Yeah, I like you Yeah, I like you And I feel wa-ha! Wooh! He's through the wardrobe.
OK, right, Quarrymen.
I'm buying and then let's play, rate the slates.
Clay-based is totally gonna take down Volcanic Ash! We need to change courses.
Just move to drama.
Are you serious? Knutsford.
You only live once.
Unless you eat broccoli and blueberries 24/7, and we don't have time for that.
Cos I like you Yeah, I like you And I'm feeling so Bohemian like you.
You know what? Maybe we should? Fuck it.
Shall we just do it? Every fibre of my body says don't, but why the hell not? Exactly.
Sweet.
God did you see the one-to-one times finally got posted, with Shales? Er.
What? Yeah, literally finally went up.
I'm first.
I hope it doesn't mean I'm in trouble or something.
Why would you be in trouble? Oh, I was just a bit of a troublemaker at school.
Probably just para.
Thought you got three As? Yeah, but I never did any work.
I was just really good at exams.
Because you did loads of revision? I need to give you these before you can log in, OK? Remember, it's not just a blind date, we're raising money for charity.
It's the ultimate combo.
Dating and bowel cancer.
What about Dave? What about Dave? Well, does he mind? Me helping cancer? It'scharitydating.
Not charitydating.
Anyways we're all doing it.
It's not just me.
We're only doing it because you signed us up.
And paid.
You get to see the girl first though?? No, JP, that's the whole idea.
Howard? Where's mine? You have random girls sexually molesting you in bars, you don't need a date.
Course that was unfair.
If she wasn't blind she would have snogged this.
What? It's a fact.
I'm rocking a pretty tasty face, so sue me.
You snogged a blind woman? Sweet.
She wasn't blind.
It was a trust exercise for drama students.
Snogging strangers in bars.
Imagine the weird cooky drama shit she gets up to in the dressing room? That's why me and the Pussyman are changing to drama to find out.
Whatever! I'm trying to save lives over here, OK, if you don't mind.
You just need to log in, tell them your availability and then Student Love Match will send you your date.
Well, I think it's a great idea.
So thank you very much for bringing the whole group together and doing some good for charity at the same time.
What if they give me a fat bird? Because I'm not getting seen with a fat bird.
You read the whole thing? It's on the recommended reading list, so.
No.
Great.
Can I ask did you get that from a bookshop? Amazon.
Second hand? Sorry? Student budget.
No, it's just Never mind.
I'm just involved in a kind of numbers game.
With my wife.
Oh, right.
Yeah the people on Amazon were a bit harsh.
Oh.
But I felt inspired by it.
I'm not sure I understood all of it.
Oh, I'm sure you did, most of it's bollocks.
But you can't just write another book saying, "Moby Dick is about a whale and it's good but a bit long"! Was it difficult to write? It's a lot of work.
But I'd say, worth it.
When someone like you reads it and is inspired by it, then, yes.
It's It's great to have you in my class.
Oh.
OK.
Cool.
Thanks, Tony.
Sorry was that? No, no, no, it's fine.
Tony's great.
Tony's fine.
Tony's my name! I thought I was in trouble, you know, first on the list.
No.
You've read my book for a start.
That makes you my favourite straight away.
Not that I have favourites.
I don't mind.
What? What? Being your favourite.
Right.
Well, before you go, I have a well yes, I suppose you could call it a suggestion.
Don't look scared.
Nothing dodgy! It's just my wife and I are busy academics and, of course, we have Katriana who normally comes in for a few hours.
Anyway she's gone away for a few weeks.
Not a holiday, alas, a funeral.
You mentioned money and I wondered if it might not be mutually beneficial if you wanted to come and earn some pocket money.
I mean, a fee.
Oh.
OK? We could talk as well.
The oven in particular is very, very dirty about literature? Hey man! I did it! We did it! Hottieland here we come! What's the banter man? You're randomising me.
Drama.
I dumped Geology, changed to Drama! Like we said Yeah, I said it, but I didn't actually mean it.
You're not going to change? Fucking hell, you actually did it! You really fucking did it.
You, my friend, are an authentic, living maniac.
Big ups to Knutsford! (CLEARS HIS THROAT) Afternoon.
Hello.
Going somewhere? Meeting my "blind date".
Oh.
Really? Me too.
Coincidence.
Are you gonna kill her before or after the buffet? Take the body to the woods, maybe? The bag.
No.
(LAUGHS) Oh, no.
What time are you meeting your date? Four.
Yeah, me too.
Four.
It wasn't gay because it was for a bet.
I'm just gonna pop to the loo.
So, how's it going? These matchmakers seem to know what they're doing.
I wonder what mine will be like.
What are you doing? Helping us through the small talk.
JP! What?! You can't do that! Give me that.
What are you doing? That's drink spiking! That's for Kate! You need my leaflet.
She'll be back in a minute.
You need my leaflet.
She'll be back in a minute.
I don't care! You need to educate yourself.
A snifter of "V" in a lady's drink is standard practice.
OK? Plus, don't you think she looks just like Kate Middleton.
No, I don't, and even if she did it doesn't mean you can rape her! What?! We made these in Nightline.
Female freshers are very vulnerable.
You can't spike her drink.
Take it! This is for girls.
Read it.
This is for girls.
Read it.
If I say I will, will you go away? Yes.
All right, I'll read it.
Promise? Yes, Later.
I need to give it my full and proper attention because it's very serious and important.
Well, I'm taking these just in case.
Where's your date? On his way Obviously.
Well, I guess since we're here we may as well "eat all we can".
No First, we talk tactics.
Number one, positioning.
Close to the buffet, minimising plate travel time and ensuring prime position for refills.
Number two, the first round.
Just one of each item.
We are nothing to worry about, we are not gluttons.
This is the introductory taster plate.
We don't want to use stomach space on non-tasty items.
Huh, di, di, di, di.
Three, when returning to the station for round two, maximise high value items, eg prawns, over lower value bulk foods, such as rice or noodle.
Remember the aim here is not simply to have a satisfying meal out.
The ultimate aim is to beat the buffet.
There's such a fine line between maniac and genius, isn't there? And finally, four, when you think you can't eat any more I'm not filling my cheeks like a hamster.
Nor am I hiding spring rolls up your jacksie.
Bring out, The Transporter.
What? We pulled it off.
You are my new hero.
We can eat noodle for a fucking week Vod, can I ask you something? My bag.
My bag! Oh! It's OK.
It's here.
I'm not going to do anything.
I promise.
I just need to know who he is, you know.
For the sake of my pride.
I've entered the main frame.
Shit.
Shit.
Who is he? What's his name? Here.
Hang on.
Steven Brankstone, Economics first year.
What else? Is there a picture? He's hot! Look how hot he is! Bastard! Why didn't you come? Do you want me to Google him? Google him and see if he's got a Facebook.
Googling.
Yep.
He's got a Facebook.
Can you see it? I can see it.
"Status update, stood someone up today.
Ha-ha".
Cunt.
Not quite.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
He's even hotter in that one! He's also dead.
What?! Oh, my God.
He's dead! I wasn't stood up! He's dead! When they said they look for things in common, I didn't think they meant your address.
You should complain.
Saying Howard's your perfect match is defamation of character.
Yeah.
Well, I dunno.
We actually had an OK time in the end.
Is this OK? I'm only going there to clean, so it doesn't really matter, but I What? What? I can't believe Shales has got you cleaning his house.
It's just because he knows I'm really strapped for cash.
You reckon? More likely when he says "clean", he means "Fuck you up the arse.
"Get shit all over his nob.
" What? "Then get you to lick it off.
" Do you think? It's a classic scenario.
Innocent young student, pervy old tutor.
I'm not innocent, though.
You're going to get there, his wife'll be out at like a life-drawing class or something.
Then he's going to try it on.
But it's OK, if you want him to.
Yeah, whatever.
No I don't.
All I'm saying is, if you want him to and he does, just He won't.
Be careful.
OK? Don't be that girl, Oregon, right? What girl? I'm not going to bethatgirl.
OK, good, don't be.
Did you just make me tea? Maybe.
I thought you wanted no part of the never-ending brew cycle? Oh, no, no, no.
So, first day at drama tomorrow.
Yep, yeah, can't wait.
Probably be pretty busy with it all.
The plays, parties.
The whole scene.
What happened with your date by the way? Oh, yeah, pretty good.
I heard the guy didn't turn up? Well he was dead, so there's no need to take that tone.
Oh, shit, God! I'm sorry, Josie, are you OK? Yes, I'm OK.
I'm pulling through.
I think something bad might be happening.
Some pieces of a rather unpleasant puzzle have started to fall into place.
The only thing I can't work out is how he did it.
How who did it? Did what? How Howard set up his blind date so it was with me.
What? No way, how could he? Oh.
What do you know? Tell me! It might be nothing.
It's just Howard hacked the Student Love Match website for me.
This is all your fault! For signing me up for this shit! Calm down, you've been now, it's not like you have to go again.
He asked me to go to the cinema, tomorrow.
What did you say? I thought it was just two friends hanging out, I said yes! I'm accidentally dating Howard.
Shit! I'm here to see Professor Shales? I am Professor Shales.
Oh, right, sorry.
The other Professor Shales? Are you the girl to do the cleaning? Yes, hi.
Come in.
Tony's had to pop out but I can show you the ropes, come on.
Come, come! I'm not surprised Tony's asked you to clean the oven actually.
It's in his interest to keep it nice.
And not because either of us ever does any cooking.
Drink? White wine, milk? Er Tony's a complicated guy, you know? Oh, yeah, right.
I read his book actually but he seemed really down on it.
Yeah, exactly.
Don't be afraid to really go into the corners.
Oh, right, yeah.
Ow! What a wanker! I can't believe this! I mean, as a perverted subterfuge for inappropriate sex, yes.
But literally, just for cleaning? Well, he did say.
I don't care what he said.
If you'd thought it was actual cleaning you'd never have gone there.
Tell you what, though Imagine if you were sitting here having just shagged Professor Shales.
Oh, imagine him naked.
Er, hello? Grimmo.
Imagine his crusty old-man penis, poking around inside your vag.
Ew! You know old men only come like once a month? Really? And nobs are like ears and noses? They never stop growing.
So as they get older, men get these humungous schlongs but with this massive like sack of foreskin, all baggy at the end.
PRINCE AND THE NEW POWER GENERATION: Gett Off 23 positions in a one-night stand Gett off I'll only call you after if you say I can Mmmm.
Yes! Are you? If you want to baby, here I am Here I am (SNORES) Oh.
Kingsey! Morning.
How are you finding it so far? Yeah, quite different to Geology.
Urgh! Morning, ladies! Morning, Howard.
We've got a seminar, so See you later though, yeah? Film starts at half five.
Why don't you just tell him? Because I know his kind.
I've already made the mistake of one, being friendly and two, being a girl.
Now he thinks I'm the one and if I out and out reject him, he'll turn against me.
The last thing I need is guerrilla war with a housemate.
He's got nunchucks.
I can hear when he practices cos he hits himself a lot.
But see, if I bring you to the cinema, it's like a gentle signal.
Ease him out of the danger zone and back into the friendship zone.
You a friend of Steve's? I was just reading it, not plagiarizing it, I'm not doing Economics, I'm doing Dentistry! It's cool, just wondering if you've seen him cos he's got my copy of McConnell.
Oh.
Oh, dear.
You don't know, do you? I can't believe it.
I know.
H-e-e-y, guys.
Oh hey, Rob, we're just talking about Steve.
Steve? Flapjack guy.
What about him? He died.
Wh-a-at? Flapjack guy totally died.
Sh-i-i-it, what happened? He was putting on his socks.
Fell down the stairs.
This is his girlfriend.
Well That is so random.
We should all do something together, like eat a flapjack in commemoration.
What do you think? Definitely.
I hope this doesn't sound weird, I just, I have to ask.
Go on.
No, no it's just because You know, obviously you need some time to, er but maybe one day I could take you out for a drink? Oh.
Is that bad? No, no, I'd love to, I just mean do we need to wait? I mean, isn't it bad not to? Well me and Steve, it was early days.
Was it? Sort of, I mean it would've been our first date actually, so Right.
Right, so you never What? Poking around in the pigeon hole of a guy I've never met? I thought we had a connection.
Is that crazy? You never met him? Oh, well, we had a date.
It was a blind date.
Obviously he didn't come, so I was sad.
Not because he died, just cos I'm a bit homesick or also I applied to halls and I didn't get in.
I'd always wanted to get into halls.
And then I thought, "Oh, maybe there might be a room available.
" That's all I thought, really.
I didn't think more than that, so Yeah.
I got cherry, yoghurt and normal.
You switched courses.
Er.
.
hi? Was my lecture that bad? Did I spend too long on igneous? Dan, look Do people have a nickname for me? Is it horrible? Is it savage? I'm no good, am I? It's not you, it's me.
You're great, it's just something I have to do for me.
It's I mean, even without geology, can't we still be friends? Essays due in week five! Don't leave it all to the night before, is my advice to you, not that you'll listen to it, or notice that I'm still talking.
Oregon, can I have a quick word about your syllabus form.
I just wanted to ask you what you were doing tonight.
Why? It's just you did such a good job with the oven, I thought maybe you might have a go at the fridge? Yeah I'm not sure actually.
Jean's out, all night.
"The Selfish Jean", I call her.
She's doing a radio interview, so she won't be getting in the way doing one of her salads.
You'll be able to get at the crisper.
Five o'clock? It's a big ask, but there's an idea about the Scarlet Letter I'd like to run by someone with a first-rate mind.
30 quid.
What do you think? Why did you leave me, Daddy? Why? Oh, God.
I miss you.
I miss you so much! Please come back from Yarmouth, Daddy.
I promise I won't be sick in the Renault anymore! APPLAUSE Hey, Kingsey, how do you feel about your turn? My turn? The self poem.
It'll be your turn on Friday.
Where are you? It's nearly five.
Call me! Vod, did you want sugar? Yes, please.
Two, please.
So, that's a yes? Er.
Yes? You're sure? Because I don't want to put sugar in and then find out afterwards what you actually meant was no.
What? Two, please.
Two sugars.
Thank you.
Have you seen Oregon? She's suppose to be coming out with me and Howard.
I thought it was a date! Yes, that's why I need someone to come with me.
Will you come? No! Should tell him the truth.
Poor Howard.
Here we are.
Two sugars.
I asked what you wanted and needed.
And I heard and respected your response.
Maybe JP will go with you? Go where? Cinema.
No, I can't, I'm afraid.
I'm going to the pub to find Kate.
Shit.
Kate from last night? Yeah.
Last night we really connected and today nothing.
No word.
No text.
No phone call.
She probably regrets it.
Don't just say things.
I'm not.
In the cold light of day, she woke up in your bed, realised you're a complete tool and did a runner.
I suspect not! We had a great night.
She was really into me.
The only small thing "snag" was when I woke up this morning, I found one of Josie's leaflets on my pillow.
Which one? The one about "rape".
Now, obviously, there is a rational explanation.
That you raped her? Vod! Vod! What? Did you rape her? Of course not! I mean This is the thing.
I can't actually remember.
It's all a bit of a blur.
Even better you raped her, then forgot.
You wouldn't forget raping someone.
Would you? I dunno, mate.
I've never raped anyone.
That's good to know! Ready to go? You look nice.
DOORBELL RINGS Poor Vod.
Poor Howard.
Poor Vod.
Josie? Hey, can I ask you something? You know when you and I You know, when I When I did you.
I didn't, er, rape you, did I? No! Rape is a grey area.
I'd love to say otherwise, but in that instance, it was definitely consensual.
Good.
Ah, good.
That is great.
Because the thing is, I really like Kate.
She looks like Kate Middleton.
And I was going to ask her out again.
Only, if I raped her, I don't think she'll want to go.
So I was wondering whether you could maybe meet up with her and possibly have a sort of chat? You want me to check if you raped her? Is that weird? Is it? I think it's nice.
Isn't that nice? It's thoughtful.
Wanker.
Wanker.
Wanker.
Oregon? There's stuff on the egg tray that won't come off.
I'm leaving it.
I came to see if you wanted a glass of wine.
I've poured you one.
It's coming up to Jean's programme.
I thought you might want to listen.
Are you a Plath scholar at all? Well, Bell Jar, obviously.
Jean's got some quite derivative ideas about Plath's influences.
But she's very persuasive.
Come on.
Sit down.
It's fun.
RADIO PLAYS Very clever woman, my wife.
Yeah? Very clever.
Very complicated.
Very independent.
God, just listen to her.
Do Do you think that an English degree is really complete without a specific module on literary criticism? Is that OK? Yeah, that's OK.
Oh, God.
Oh, fuck! I mean, without the tool box of techniques then how can you? You're so pretty and clever and you you read my book.
Yeah.
I found the initial chapter confusing so I skipped to You know, Jean says I'm Plath.
But she's not Hughes, is she? She's Plath, I'm Hughes, don't you think? Well you're a man.
Exactly.
I am a man.
Can I kiss you? Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Are you into this as much as I am? Yes, I think so.
I don't know how much you're into this Thing is, I'd love to help you out, Kingsley, but only this morning I got a couple of transfers from Sheffield, so course is full.
Oh.
Some people are passionate about geology.
Some people don't fall asleep during my lectures.
And they're the ones I want to teach.
See? God, this feels awful.
But extraordinary, doesn't it? I didn't think this would happen.
God.
Is it incredibly tacky to say I mean, the time.
It's just that Jean gets her cab at quarter past.
Well, I wouldn't mind No.
That's fine.
I want to do her module next term, so Oh.
What? What about my film module? No, it's just Hers is meant to be really good.
Right.
I'm sure yours is good, too.
It's fine.
I've got to reshape it cos the Coen Brothers re-made True Grit which sort of screwed my approach somewhat.
Anyway So, should I give you the money now? It's OK.
Maybe leave the money.
Right.
There she is! What are you doing? Well, I'm going to go and find out.
How? You can't just ask her! Just go and say hi and see how she responds to you.
Don't mention raping.
Right.
And, JP, I don't think you did it, just so you know.
Are you flirting with me? What? No! Telling someone you think on balance they're probably not a rapist isn't flirting, JP.
It's that kind of attitude that got you into trouble in the first place.
Go! Right you are.
I'll keep the table.
Hi.
Are you hiding? No! No.
God, no.
Ow.
I'm fine.
No, it's just that I saw you and I was just wondering, could we start again? Just because, you probably won't believe this but I'm actually a really nice, normal person.
I promise.
You were right! I didn't rape her.
I didn't rape you! I didn't rape anyone! You see? It's much better staying at home and watching telly than going out to spend a fortune in a stupid cinema full of nonces and crackheads and popcorn.
Uh-huh.
See about tomorrow Oh! All right, Howard.
I just gonna spell this out.
Nothing is going to happen between us, OK? I didn't want to say it but you've made me say it.
So let's just forget this ever Oh, my God.
You think that I "like" you? Ha! Hahaha.
Oh, that's good.
That's a good one.
And I suppose I fancy you because you're "spunky" and "attractive" and you you "see behind the dressing gown "to the real Howard", yeah? So presumptuous.
So pathetic.
I tell you what, just forget about it, sweetheart.
My junk stays in the trunk.
I Put A Spell On You TEXT ALER What are you doing? Writing my self poem for tomorrow.
Cool.
You? You? Just reading.
It's weird, isn't it? I mean, how I imagined it was going to be - university - and how it is.
Yeah.
Do you think it's going to be OK? Think so.
Hope so.
I hate you! I hate that you're on the other side of the wall.
I hate the wall! I wish there was no wall! But then if there was no wall, would we just be in bed together? What would that be like? Is that who I am? A man who needs a wall? A wall man? Wall! Wall man! Wall! OK, everyone.
That's lunch.
Red Bee Media and APOLLO
"You dick!" Huh! Squish! Nailed.
Serious, call me delirious.
Tell you what if I had to teach that everyday I'd be like, "can someone get me a restraining order for my knob!" You know? Yeah, can you say that, is that OK, in your position? Drama.
Oh, yeah.
Dramies.
Don't look boys.
Don't even look.
It's Narnia over there in Drama.
Oh, "this morning, students, let's all climb onto a bag and hump".
I mean great.
But who's getting the suck jobs when the guys from the petro-chemicals industry comes recruiting? Hmm, yeah.
G to the E to the Ologists.
All right ladies.
Looks kinky.
Need a hand? Go on! Is it someone I know? Don't ask.
Trust.
Cos I like you Yeah, I like you And I feel so Bohemian like you Yeah, I like you Yeah, I like you And I feel wa-ha! Wooh! He's through the wardrobe.
OK, right, Quarrymen.
I'm buying and then let's play, rate the slates.
Clay-based is totally gonna take down Volcanic Ash! We need to change courses.
Just move to drama.
Are you serious? Knutsford.
You only live once.
Unless you eat broccoli and blueberries 24/7, and we don't have time for that.
Cos I like you Yeah, I like you And I'm feeling so Bohemian like you.
You know what? Maybe we should? Fuck it.
Shall we just do it? Every fibre of my body says don't, but why the hell not? Exactly.
Sweet.
God did you see the one-to-one times finally got posted, with Shales? Er.
What? Yeah, literally finally went up.
I'm first.
I hope it doesn't mean I'm in trouble or something.
Why would you be in trouble? Oh, I was just a bit of a troublemaker at school.
Probably just para.
Thought you got three As? Yeah, but I never did any work.
I was just really good at exams.
Because you did loads of revision? I need to give you these before you can log in, OK? Remember, it's not just a blind date, we're raising money for charity.
It's the ultimate combo.
Dating and bowel cancer.
What about Dave? What about Dave? Well, does he mind? Me helping cancer? It'scharitydating.
Not charitydating.
Anyways we're all doing it.
It's not just me.
We're only doing it because you signed us up.
And paid.
You get to see the girl first though?? No, JP, that's the whole idea.
Howard? Where's mine? You have random girls sexually molesting you in bars, you don't need a date.
Course that was unfair.
If she wasn't blind she would have snogged this.
What? It's a fact.
I'm rocking a pretty tasty face, so sue me.
You snogged a blind woman? Sweet.
She wasn't blind.
It was a trust exercise for drama students.
Snogging strangers in bars.
Imagine the weird cooky drama shit she gets up to in the dressing room? That's why me and the Pussyman are changing to drama to find out.
Whatever! I'm trying to save lives over here, OK, if you don't mind.
You just need to log in, tell them your availability and then Student Love Match will send you your date.
Well, I think it's a great idea.
So thank you very much for bringing the whole group together and doing some good for charity at the same time.
What if they give me a fat bird? Because I'm not getting seen with a fat bird.
You read the whole thing? It's on the recommended reading list, so.
No.
Great.
Can I ask did you get that from a bookshop? Amazon.
Second hand? Sorry? Student budget.
No, it's just Never mind.
I'm just involved in a kind of numbers game.
With my wife.
Oh, right.
Yeah the people on Amazon were a bit harsh.
Oh.
But I felt inspired by it.
I'm not sure I understood all of it.
Oh, I'm sure you did, most of it's bollocks.
But you can't just write another book saying, "Moby Dick is about a whale and it's good but a bit long"! Was it difficult to write? It's a lot of work.
But I'd say, worth it.
When someone like you reads it and is inspired by it, then, yes.
It's It's great to have you in my class.
Oh.
OK.
Cool.
Thanks, Tony.
Sorry was that? No, no, no, it's fine.
Tony's great.
Tony's fine.
Tony's my name! I thought I was in trouble, you know, first on the list.
No.
You've read my book for a start.
That makes you my favourite straight away.
Not that I have favourites.
I don't mind.
What? What? Being your favourite.
Right.
Well, before you go, I have a well yes, I suppose you could call it a suggestion.
Don't look scared.
Nothing dodgy! It's just my wife and I are busy academics and, of course, we have Katriana who normally comes in for a few hours.
Anyway she's gone away for a few weeks.
Not a holiday, alas, a funeral.
You mentioned money and I wondered if it might not be mutually beneficial if you wanted to come and earn some pocket money.
I mean, a fee.
Oh.
OK? We could talk as well.
The oven in particular is very, very dirty about literature? Hey man! I did it! We did it! Hottieland here we come! What's the banter man? You're randomising me.
Drama.
I dumped Geology, changed to Drama! Like we said Yeah, I said it, but I didn't actually mean it.
You're not going to change? Fucking hell, you actually did it! You really fucking did it.
You, my friend, are an authentic, living maniac.
Big ups to Knutsford! (CLEARS HIS THROAT) Afternoon.
Hello.
Going somewhere? Meeting my "blind date".
Oh.
Really? Me too.
Coincidence.
Are you gonna kill her before or after the buffet? Take the body to the woods, maybe? The bag.
No.
(LAUGHS) Oh, no.
What time are you meeting your date? Four.
Yeah, me too.
Four.
It wasn't gay because it was for a bet.
I'm just gonna pop to the loo.
So, how's it going? These matchmakers seem to know what they're doing.
I wonder what mine will be like.
What are you doing? Helping us through the small talk.
JP! What?! You can't do that! Give me that.
What are you doing? That's drink spiking! That's for Kate! You need my leaflet.
She'll be back in a minute.
You need my leaflet.
She'll be back in a minute.
I don't care! You need to educate yourself.
A snifter of "V" in a lady's drink is standard practice.
OK? Plus, don't you think she looks just like Kate Middleton.
No, I don't, and even if she did it doesn't mean you can rape her! What?! We made these in Nightline.
Female freshers are very vulnerable.
You can't spike her drink.
Take it! This is for girls.
Read it.
This is for girls.
Read it.
If I say I will, will you go away? Yes.
All right, I'll read it.
Promise? Yes, Later.
I need to give it my full and proper attention because it's very serious and important.
Well, I'm taking these just in case.
Where's your date? On his way Obviously.
Well, I guess since we're here we may as well "eat all we can".
No First, we talk tactics.
Number one, positioning.
Close to the buffet, minimising plate travel time and ensuring prime position for refills.
Number two, the first round.
Just one of each item.
We are nothing to worry about, we are not gluttons.
This is the introductory taster plate.
We don't want to use stomach space on non-tasty items.
Huh, di, di, di, di.
Three, when returning to the station for round two, maximise high value items, eg prawns, over lower value bulk foods, such as rice or noodle.
Remember the aim here is not simply to have a satisfying meal out.
The ultimate aim is to beat the buffet.
There's such a fine line between maniac and genius, isn't there? And finally, four, when you think you can't eat any more I'm not filling my cheeks like a hamster.
Nor am I hiding spring rolls up your jacksie.
Bring out, The Transporter.
What? We pulled it off.
You are my new hero.
We can eat noodle for a fucking week Vod, can I ask you something? My bag.
My bag! Oh! It's OK.
It's here.
I'm not going to do anything.
I promise.
I just need to know who he is, you know.
For the sake of my pride.
I've entered the main frame.
Shit.
Shit.
Who is he? What's his name? Here.
Hang on.
Steven Brankstone, Economics first year.
What else? Is there a picture? He's hot! Look how hot he is! Bastard! Why didn't you come? Do you want me to Google him? Google him and see if he's got a Facebook.
Googling.
Yep.
He's got a Facebook.
Can you see it? I can see it.
"Status update, stood someone up today.
Ha-ha".
Cunt.
Not quite.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
He's even hotter in that one! He's also dead.
What?! Oh, my God.
He's dead! I wasn't stood up! He's dead! When they said they look for things in common, I didn't think they meant your address.
You should complain.
Saying Howard's your perfect match is defamation of character.
Yeah.
Well, I dunno.
We actually had an OK time in the end.
Is this OK? I'm only going there to clean, so it doesn't really matter, but I What? What? I can't believe Shales has got you cleaning his house.
It's just because he knows I'm really strapped for cash.
You reckon? More likely when he says "clean", he means "Fuck you up the arse.
"Get shit all over his nob.
" What? "Then get you to lick it off.
" Do you think? It's a classic scenario.
Innocent young student, pervy old tutor.
I'm not innocent, though.
You're going to get there, his wife'll be out at like a life-drawing class or something.
Then he's going to try it on.
But it's OK, if you want him to.
Yeah, whatever.
No I don't.
All I'm saying is, if you want him to and he does, just He won't.
Be careful.
OK? Don't be that girl, Oregon, right? What girl? I'm not going to bethatgirl.
OK, good, don't be.
Did you just make me tea? Maybe.
I thought you wanted no part of the never-ending brew cycle? Oh, no, no, no.
So, first day at drama tomorrow.
Yep, yeah, can't wait.
Probably be pretty busy with it all.
The plays, parties.
The whole scene.
What happened with your date by the way? Oh, yeah, pretty good.
I heard the guy didn't turn up? Well he was dead, so there's no need to take that tone.
Oh, shit, God! I'm sorry, Josie, are you OK? Yes, I'm OK.
I'm pulling through.
I think something bad might be happening.
Some pieces of a rather unpleasant puzzle have started to fall into place.
The only thing I can't work out is how he did it.
How who did it? Did what? How Howard set up his blind date so it was with me.
What? No way, how could he? Oh.
What do you know? Tell me! It might be nothing.
It's just Howard hacked the Student Love Match website for me.
This is all your fault! For signing me up for this shit! Calm down, you've been now, it's not like you have to go again.
He asked me to go to the cinema, tomorrow.
What did you say? I thought it was just two friends hanging out, I said yes! I'm accidentally dating Howard.
Shit! I'm here to see Professor Shales? I am Professor Shales.
Oh, right, sorry.
The other Professor Shales? Are you the girl to do the cleaning? Yes, hi.
Come in.
Tony's had to pop out but I can show you the ropes, come on.
Come, come! I'm not surprised Tony's asked you to clean the oven actually.
It's in his interest to keep it nice.
And not because either of us ever does any cooking.
Drink? White wine, milk? Er Tony's a complicated guy, you know? Oh, yeah, right.
I read his book actually but he seemed really down on it.
Yeah, exactly.
Don't be afraid to really go into the corners.
Oh, right, yeah.
Ow! What a wanker! I can't believe this! I mean, as a perverted subterfuge for inappropriate sex, yes.
But literally, just for cleaning? Well, he did say.
I don't care what he said.
If you'd thought it was actual cleaning you'd never have gone there.
Tell you what, though Imagine if you were sitting here having just shagged Professor Shales.
Oh, imagine him naked.
Er, hello? Grimmo.
Imagine his crusty old-man penis, poking around inside your vag.
Ew! You know old men only come like once a month? Really? And nobs are like ears and noses? They never stop growing.
So as they get older, men get these humungous schlongs but with this massive like sack of foreskin, all baggy at the end.
PRINCE AND THE NEW POWER GENERATION: Gett Off 23 positions in a one-night stand Gett off I'll only call you after if you say I can Mmmm.
Yes! Are you? If you want to baby, here I am Here I am (SNORES) Oh.
Kingsey! Morning.
How are you finding it so far? Yeah, quite different to Geology.
Urgh! Morning, ladies! Morning, Howard.
We've got a seminar, so See you later though, yeah? Film starts at half five.
Why don't you just tell him? Because I know his kind.
I've already made the mistake of one, being friendly and two, being a girl.
Now he thinks I'm the one and if I out and out reject him, he'll turn against me.
The last thing I need is guerrilla war with a housemate.
He's got nunchucks.
I can hear when he practices cos he hits himself a lot.
But see, if I bring you to the cinema, it's like a gentle signal.
Ease him out of the danger zone and back into the friendship zone.
You a friend of Steve's? I was just reading it, not plagiarizing it, I'm not doing Economics, I'm doing Dentistry! It's cool, just wondering if you've seen him cos he's got my copy of McConnell.
Oh.
Oh, dear.
You don't know, do you? I can't believe it.
I know.
H-e-e-y, guys.
Oh hey, Rob, we're just talking about Steve.
Steve? Flapjack guy.
What about him? He died.
Wh-a-at? Flapjack guy totally died.
Sh-i-i-it, what happened? He was putting on his socks.
Fell down the stairs.
This is his girlfriend.
Well That is so random.
We should all do something together, like eat a flapjack in commemoration.
What do you think? Definitely.
I hope this doesn't sound weird, I just, I have to ask.
Go on.
No, no it's just because You know, obviously you need some time to, er but maybe one day I could take you out for a drink? Oh.
Is that bad? No, no, I'd love to, I just mean do we need to wait? I mean, isn't it bad not to? Well me and Steve, it was early days.
Was it? Sort of, I mean it would've been our first date actually, so Right.
Right, so you never What? Poking around in the pigeon hole of a guy I've never met? I thought we had a connection.
Is that crazy? You never met him? Oh, well, we had a date.
It was a blind date.
Obviously he didn't come, so I was sad.
Not because he died, just cos I'm a bit homesick or also I applied to halls and I didn't get in.
I'd always wanted to get into halls.
And then I thought, "Oh, maybe there might be a room available.
" That's all I thought, really.
I didn't think more than that, so Yeah.
I got cherry, yoghurt and normal.
You switched courses.
Er.
.
hi? Was my lecture that bad? Did I spend too long on igneous? Dan, look Do people have a nickname for me? Is it horrible? Is it savage? I'm no good, am I? It's not you, it's me.
You're great, it's just something I have to do for me.
It's I mean, even without geology, can't we still be friends? Essays due in week five! Don't leave it all to the night before, is my advice to you, not that you'll listen to it, or notice that I'm still talking.
Oregon, can I have a quick word about your syllabus form.
I just wanted to ask you what you were doing tonight.
Why? It's just you did such a good job with the oven, I thought maybe you might have a go at the fridge? Yeah I'm not sure actually.
Jean's out, all night.
"The Selfish Jean", I call her.
She's doing a radio interview, so she won't be getting in the way doing one of her salads.
You'll be able to get at the crisper.
Five o'clock? It's a big ask, but there's an idea about the Scarlet Letter I'd like to run by someone with a first-rate mind.
30 quid.
What do you think? Why did you leave me, Daddy? Why? Oh, God.
I miss you.
I miss you so much! Please come back from Yarmouth, Daddy.
I promise I won't be sick in the Renault anymore! APPLAUSE Hey, Kingsey, how do you feel about your turn? My turn? The self poem.
It'll be your turn on Friday.
Where are you? It's nearly five.
Call me! Vod, did you want sugar? Yes, please.
Two, please.
So, that's a yes? Er.
Yes? You're sure? Because I don't want to put sugar in and then find out afterwards what you actually meant was no.
What? Two, please.
Two sugars.
Thank you.
Have you seen Oregon? She's suppose to be coming out with me and Howard.
I thought it was a date! Yes, that's why I need someone to come with me.
Will you come? No! Should tell him the truth.
Poor Howard.
Here we are.
Two sugars.
I asked what you wanted and needed.
And I heard and respected your response.
Maybe JP will go with you? Go where? Cinema.
No, I can't, I'm afraid.
I'm going to the pub to find Kate.
Shit.
Kate from last night? Yeah.
Last night we really connected and today nothing.
No word.
No text.
No phone call.
She probably regrets it.
Don't just say things.
I'm not.
In the cold light of day, she woke up in your bed, realised you're a complete tool and did a runner.
I suspect not! We had a great night.
She was really into me.
The only small thing "snag" was when I woke up this morning, I found one of Josie's leaflets on my pillow.
Which one? The one about "rape".
Now, obviously, there is a rational explanation.
That you raped her? Vod! Vod! What? Did you rape her? Of course not! I mean This is the thing.
I can't actually remember.
It's all a bit of a blur.
Even better you raped her, then forgot.
You wouldn't forget raping someone.
Would you? I dunno, mate.
I've never raped anyone.
That's good to know! Ready to go? You look nice.
DOORBELL RINGS Poor Vod.
Poor Howard.
Poor Vod.
Josie? Hey, can I ask you something? You know when you and I You know, when I When I did you.
I didn't, er, rape you, did I? No! Rape is a grey area.
I'd love to say otherwise, but in that instance, it was definitely consensual.
Good.
Ah, good.
That is great.
Because the thing is, I really like Kate.
She looks like Kate Middleton.
And I was going to ask her out again.
Only, if I raped her, I don't think she'll want to go.
So I was wondering whether you could maybe meet up with her and possibly have a sort of chat? You want me to check if you raped her? Is that weird? Is it? I think it's nice.
Isn't that nice? It's thoughtful.
Wanker.
Wanker.
Wanker.
Oregon? There's stuff on the egg tray that won't come off.
I'm leaving it.
I came to see if you wanted a glass of wine.
I've poured you one.
It's coming up to Jean's programme.
I thought you might want to listen.
Are you a Plath scholar at all? Well, Bell Jar, obviously.
Jean's got some quite derivative ideas about Plath's influences.
But she's very persuasive.
Come on.
Sit down.
It's fun.
RADIO PLAYS Very clever woman, my wife.
Yeah? Very clever.
Very complicated.
Very independent.
God, just listen to her.
Do Do you think that an English degree is really complete without a specific module on literary criticism? Is that OK? Yeah, that's OK.
Oh, God.
Oh, fuck! I mean, without the tool box of techniques then how can you? You're so pretty and clever and you you read my book.
Yeah.
I found the initial chapter confusing so I skipped to You know, Jean says I'm Plath.
But she's not Hughes, is she? She's Plath, I'm Hughes, don't you think? Well you're a man.
Exactly.
I am a man.
Can I kiss you? Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Are you into this as much as I am? Yes, I think so.
I don't know how much you're into this Thing is, I'd love to help you out, Kingsley, but only this morning I got a couple of transfers from Sheffield, so course is full.
Oh.
Some people are passionate about geology.
Some people don't fall asleep during my lectures.
And they're the ones I want to teach.
See? God, this feels awful.
But extraordinary, doesn't it? I didn't think this would happen.
God.
Is it incredibly tacky to say I mean, the time.
It's just that Jean gets her cab at quarter past.
Well, I wouldn't mind No.
That's fine.
I want to do her module next term, so Oh.
What? What about my film module? No, it's just Hers is meant to be really good.
Right.
I'm sure yours is good, too.
It's fine.
I've got to reshape it cos the Coen Brothers re-made True Grit which sort of screwed my approach somewhat.
Anyway So, should I give you the money now? It's OK.
Maybe leave the money.
Right.
There she is! What are you doing? Well, I'm going to go and find out.
How? You can't just ask her! Just go and say hi and see how she responds to you.
Don't mention raping.
Right.
And, JP, I don't think you did it, just so you know.
Are you flirting with me? What? No! Telling someone you think on balance they're probably not a rapist isn't flirting, JP.
It's that kind of attitude that got you into trouble in the first place.
Go! Right you are.
I'll keep the table.
Hi.
Are you hiding? No! No.
God, no.
Ow.
I'm fine.
No, it's just that I saw you and I was just wondering, could we start again? Just because, you probably won't believe this but I'm actually a really nice, normal person.
I promise.
You were right! I didn't rape her.
I didn't rape you! I didn't rape anyone! You see? It's much better staying at home and watching telly than going out to spend a fortune in a stupid cinema full of nonces and crackheads and popcorn.
Uh-huh.
See about tomorrow Oh! All right, Howard.
I just gonna spell this out.
Nothing is going to happen between us, OK? I didn't want to say it but you've made me say it.
So let's just forget this ever Oh, my God.
You think that I "like" you? Ha! Hahaha.
Oh, that's good.
That's a good one.
And I suppose I fancy you because you're "spunky" and "attractive" and you you "see behind the dressing gown "to the real Howard", yeah? So presumptuous.
So pathetic.
I tell you what, just forget about it, sweetheart.
My junk stays in the trunk.
I Put A Spell On You TEXT ALER What are you doing? Writing my self poem for tomorrow.
Cool.
You? You? Just reading.
It's weird, isn't it? I mean, how I imagined it was going to be - university - and how it is.
Yeah.
Do you think it's going to be OK? Think so.
Hope so.
I hate you! I hate that you're on the other side of the wall.
I hate the wall! I wish there was no wall! But then if there was no wall, would we just be in bed together? What would that be like? Is that who I am? A man who needs a wall? A wall man? Wall! Wall man! Wall! OK, everyone.
That's lunch.
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