Friends s01e03 Episode Script

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Phoebe.
- How did it go? - Not so good.
He walked me home and said, "Let's do this again.
" He said, "Let's do this again.
" That's good, right? Translated, "Let's do this again" means, "You'll never see me naked.
" Since when? Since always.
It's, like, dating language.
Like, "It's not you" means, "It is you.
" "You're nice" means, "I'll be dating alcoholics.
.
and complaining about them to you.
" "We should see other people" means: "Ha-ha, I already am!" Everybody knows this? Cushions the blow.
Like your parents putting the dog to sleep.
.
and saying it went to a farm.
That's funny.
Because our parents actually did.
.
send our dog off to live on a farm.
Ross? Hello! The Milner's farm in Connecticut? The Milners had this unbelievable farm.
They had horses and rabbits to chase.
And it was.
.
Oh, my God! Chi-Chi! The One With the Thumb How does it feel knowing you're about to die? Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over.
But you'll live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die.
That was really good! Thanks.
Let's keep going.
So, what do you want from me, Dimon? Huh? I just wanna go back to my cell, because in my cell I can smoke.
Smoke away! I think this is why Dimon smokes in his cell alone.
- What? - Relax your hand.
Let your wrist go.
Not so much! All right.
Now take a puff.
Right.
- Give it to me.
- I'm not giving you a cigarette.
It's fine.
Do you want to get this part or not? Here.
When you hold it, you feel right.
You feel complete.
- You miss it? - No, not so much.
All right.
Now we smoke.
Oh, my God! - Give me that! - No.
You've got options.
You can smoke like this: - Chandler - Or hold it in your mouth.
Give me the cigarette! - You try.
- Thank you.
Okay, how's this? Okay, that's not bad.
All right, when you're finished, it's cool if you flick it.
All right, you keep practicing.
.
and I'll go put out the sofa.
I thought it was foot size.
No.
It's the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb.
.
to the tip of his index finger.
That's ridiculous.
Can I use either thumb? I'd rather go with the foot theory.
All right.
Don't tell me.
Decaf cappuccino for Joey.
Coffee, black.
Latte.
And an iced tea.
- I'm getting good at this.
- Excellent! Good for me! - You okay, Phoebe? - It's not worth It's my bank.
- What did they do? - It's nothing I get my mail and open their monthly "statement.
" Easy! And there's $500 extra in my account.
Satan's minions at work again! Now I have to go deal with them - What are you talking about? Keep it! - It's not mine.
If I kept it, I'd be stealing.
But if you spent it, it would be like shopping.
Say I bought a great pair of shoes.
Know what I'd hear with every step? "Not mine.
Not mine.
Not mine.
" Even if I was happy and skipping, I'd hear: "Not-not mine.
Not-not mine.
" We're with you.
We got it.
I'd never be able to enjoy it.
It'd be this giant karmic debt.
Chandler, what are you doing? What are you doing? Oh, gross! - What is this? - I'm smoking! You've been so good for three years! And this is my reward.
Think about what you went through when you quit.
Forget about you.
Think about what we went through! So this time I won't quit.
- Put it out! - I'm putting it out! Oh, no! I can't drink this now.
I'm gonna go.
I've got a date.
With Alan again? How's it going? It's going pretty good.
It's nice and we're having fun.
When do we get to meet him? Let's see, it's Monday.
.
- Never.
- Come on! Not after what happened with Steve.
What do you mean? We love Steve.
Steve was sexy! Sorry.
I don't know how I feel yet.
Let me figure it out.
Then can we meet him? No.
Sorry.
Joey.
Let it go.
Why should they meet him? I bring a guy home and they're like.
.
coyotes picking off the weak members of the herd.
Listen, as someone who's seen more than her share of bad beef.
.
I'll tell you, that is not such a terrible thing.
Your friends are just looking after you.
I wish that once I'd date a guy they liked.
You realize the odds of that happening are slimmer.
.
- if they never get to meet the guy.
- I know.
- Can't I whimper a little bit? - Whimper.
Okay, I'm done.
Let it go, Ross.
You didn't know Chi-Chi.
- Do you all promise? - We promise.
We'll be good.
Chandler, do you promise to be good? You can come in, but your filter-tip buddy stays outside! "Dear Ms.
Buffay.
Thank you for calling.
We've credited you $500.
We're sorry for the inconvenience.
.
and hope you'll accept this football phone.
.
as our gift.
" Do you believe it? Now I have $ 1000 and a football phone.
What bank is this? Okay, it's him.
- Who is it? - Alan.
Chandler! He's here! Do I look okay? One more button.
Closed! How about closed? - I didn't know.
- Yeah.
Please be good.
Remember how much you all like me? Alan, this is everybody.
Everybody, this is Alan.
I've heard so much about all you guys.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Thanks.
Let's let the Alan-bashing begin.
Who's gonna take the first shot? Come on! I'll go.
Let's start with how he kept picking I'm sorry, I can't do this.
We loved him.
We loved him! Wait! We're talking about someone I'm going out with? That pimento trick! I'll never look at an olive the same way again.
And did you notice? Know what was great? His smile was crooked.
- Yes! Like the man in the shoe! - What shoe? From the rhyme.
There was a man With a crooked smile Who lived in a shoe For a while So I think Alan.
.
is the yardstick by which future boyfriends will be measured.
Future boyfriends? - I think this could be "it.
" - Really? I'd marry him for his David Hasselhoff impression alone.
You know I'll be doing that at parties.
- Know what I like most? - What? The way he makes me feel about myself.
How was the game? Well.
.
We won! Fantastic! Question.
How is that possible? - Alan.
- He was unbelievable! Like the cartoon where Bugs Bunny plays every position.
It was first base, Alan.
Second base, Alan.
.
It was like he made us into a team.
We sure showed those Hasidic jewelers a thing or two about softball.
Can I ask a question? Do you think Alan is sometimes.
.
What? I don't know.
A little too "Alan"? Oh, no.
Not possible.
You can never be too "Alan.
" It's his innate "Alan-ness" that we adore.
I, personally, could have a gallon of Alan.
- Hey, Lizzy.
- Hey, weird girl.
- I brought alphabet soup.
- Pick out the vowels? I left in the Y's.
Because, "sometimes Y.
" - And something else.
- Saltines? No, $1000 and a football phone.
What? Oh, my God! - There's really money in here.
- I know.
What are you doing? I want you to have it.
I don't want it.
- I have to give you something.
- No, you don't - Do you want my tinfoil hat? - No, you need that.
- It's okay.
Thanks.
- Let me do something.
I'll tell you what.
Buy me a soda and we're even.
Okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
Keep the change.
Thanks, Lizzy.
Want a pretzel? - No, I'm fine.
Thanks.
- See you.
A thumb? I know.
There it was, just floating.
.
like this tiny little hitchhiker.
Maybe it's a contest.
Like "collect all five.
" - Does anyone wanna see? - No, thanks! Don't do that.
Come on! It's worse than the thumb.
- This is so unfair.
- Why is it unfair? So I have a flaw! Big deal! Joey's knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? Ross, over-pronouncing every word.
Monica, who snorts when she laughs.
I mean, what the hell is that thing? I accept those flaws.
Why can't you accept me for this? Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody, or just him? I could live without it.
Is it a little annoying? Or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair? Don't listen to him.
I think it's endearing.
Oh, you do, do you? There's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.
Indeed there isn't.
I should get back to work.
Otherwise someone might get what they ordered.
The hair comes out and the gloves come off.
Ever go out with a guy your friends really like? No.
I'm going out with a guy my friends really like.
Are we talking about the coyotes here? All right! A cow got through.
Can you believe it? It's just, you know what? I just don't feel the "thing.
" They feel the thing.
I don't feel it.
Honey, you should always feel the thing.
If that's how you feel about the guy, dump him.
- It's gonna be really hard.
- He'll get over it.
No, he'll be fine.
It's the other five I'm worried about.
- Don't you respect your body? - Don't you see what you're doing? I've had it with your cancer, emphysema and heart disease.
The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.
Alan wants to speak to you.
Really? He does? Hey, buddy! What's up? She told you about that, huh? Well, yeah.
I have one now and then.
Well, yeah, now.
It's not that Well, that's true.
Gee, you know, no one's ever put it like that before.
Well, okay.
Thanks.
God, he's good.
- If only he were a woman.
- Yeah.
Lamb Chop! How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for 30 years, it'd be talking too.
I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch.
- Where's Joey? - Joey ate my last stick of gum.
.
so I killed him.
Do you think that was wrong? - I think he's across the hall.
- Thanks.
There you go.
I'm alive with pleasure now.
Phoebe, do you want the rest of that Pop-Tart? Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart? Hey, I might.
I'm sorry.
The soda people gave me $7000 for the thumb.
And on my way over here I stepped in gum.
What is up with the universe? - What's going on? - It's just nice when we're together.
It's nicer when everyone gets to wear underwear.
Please, guys, we have to talk.
Wait! I'm getting a deja vu.
No, I'm not.
- We have to talk.
- There it is! Okay, it's about Alan.
Speaking of which, tell him we're on for the Renaissance Fair.
Before you get into that, there's something you should know.
There's really no easy way to say this.
I've decided to break up with Alan.
Is there somebody else? No, it's just.
.
you know, things change.
People change.
We didn't change.
So that's it? It's over? Just like that? You let your guard down.
You start to care about someone, and.
.
- I can go on pretending - Okay! No.
That wouldn't be fair to me, Alan, or to you.
Well, who wants fair? I just want things back, you know, the way they were.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, she's sorry.
I feel better.
I can't believe this! With the holidays coming up.
I wanted him to meet my family.
I'll meet someone.
There'll be other Alans.
Yeah, right! - Are you guys gonna be okay? - We'll be fine.
We're just gonna need a little time.
I understand.
- Wow.
- I'm really sorry.
Yeah, I mean, I'm sorry too.
- But I'm a little relieved.
- Relieved? Yeah, well, I mean, I had a great time with you.
I just can't stand your friends.
Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats? That was fun.
He could row like a Viking.
So how'd it go? You know.
Did he mention us? He says he's really gonna miss you guys.
- Rough day, huh? - You have no idea.
Come here.
- That's it.
I'm getting cigarettes.
- No! I don't care! I'm weak! I've gotta have the smoke! If you never smoke again, I'll give you $7000.
Yeah, all right.