Friends with Benefits s01e03 Episode Script

Aaron, it's your call.
Does Ben live or does he die? Give me a minute.
Oh, no.
You're building a drone? What happened? You see, this is why Facebook is so dangerous.
Dude is just trying to get his Farmville on, right? Then he sees that this girl he was in love with for six years is engaged to one of his friends from MIT.
She's marrying a guy who is me, just one point better.
He's one point cuter, one point smarter, and he's one point bigger.
Yeah.
I saw him in the locker room once, after squash.
It was Man, these are some dark times.
I'm gonna break out the emergency tequila.
Where is it again, Aaron? It's right next to the regular tequila.
It's like, if he's Green Lantern, then I'm Hawkman.
Who's Hawkman? Exactly.
Aaron, hey.
You are a super cool guy.
Now, I'm not going to put this in comic book terms, because it kind of hurts my argument, but you're not the little nerdy kid from Piedmont Junior High.
Then who am I? You are an incredibly rich grown-up nerdy kid who could get any woman he wanted.
Hey, and all a chick would have to do is see this drone to know that.
That drone is a straight-up panty dropper.
Why don't you go have a good time and just let me wallow for a little while? No.
No, no, no.
We are gonna go out tonight.
We're going to have a great time.
Because guess who's on the case? The Mayor of Fun.
I don't want the mayor on the case.
Well, it's a little bit too late for that because the mayor has taken great interest in your case.
Okay, mayors don't take cases, okay? This metaphor has always bothered me.
Hey.
Let the mayor speak.
The mayor has never failed us.
Okay, what about the backstage passes to Kanye? I think he's playing "Gold Digger.
" This is not backstage.
This is outside! Hey, those passes looked legit.
To be fair, "Kanye" was spelled "C-O-N-Y-A-Y.
" Okay, you know what? We are going to go out tonight.
We're going to get our drink on, we're going to find some ladies, and we're going to have sex with those same ladies.
Come on, Aaron.
It sounds like the mayor has just the right prescription for what is ailing you.
Okay, one day, you guys are going to both sit down and explain to me exactly what you think it is that mayors do.
Look, Aaron, all I want is for you to feel better, okay? So we can sit here and wallow, or we can take a chance on tonight maybe being the greatest night of our lives.
Who knows? Maybe Laurie will wake up in the morning and check your Facebook status that says: "I banged a model.
" I'm in.
There he is.
Whoo! Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I could just make that my status anyway.
I don't need money, I am money.
Hey.
How's it going? Hey.
Good.
Just super tired.
Did you do anything fun last night? No.
Really? 'Cause when I got back, it was already light out.
I could have sworn you weren't in your room.
Were you out with some guy last night? You were! You were smushing it with some hot, nasty, random dude.
Nice! No, I was not.
Um, for your information, I was at fish mark-marketing class.
It's something new I'm pursuing.
I'm going to go lie down.
Hey, did you get the Evite I forwarded to you? My friend Bethany is baptizing her potbellied pig on Friday.
I thought we could go together.
You know, if you don't have fish marketing class.
You know what? I'm gonna I'm gonna check my schedule, and I'll get back to you.
Sounds fun though.
Okay.
Cool.
Come on, baby.
Okay, here we go, fellas.
Greatest night ever.
All right.
Step one: get very, very drunk.
Let's do it.
Here we go.
Cheers! Do it! Nine hundred, ninety-nine thousand Nine hundred, ninety-nine girls Ah! Yeah! Ah! Mm-hmm Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
I can't chug.
I have a deviated septum.
Sara doesn't like me.
What? Why do you think she doesn't like you? Because she doesn't.
Every weekend, I ask her to go out, and every weekend, she says she has to get back to me.
Okay, Riley.
That's a little ridiculous.
I mean, we-we all hang out all the time.
Yeah.
No, hang out all the time, but can you remember one time that me and Sara hung out, just the two of us? We couldn't remember that, by definition, because we weren't there.
In other news, I'm drunk.
Hey, you know, Sara is good person.
She just takes a little while to get to know people, you know? No.
I know exactly what she thinks.
That she is Little Miss Dr.
Perfect, and I am the freaky new roommate who brings creepy guys home and smokes cloves till 4:00 in the morning.
Isn't that exactly who you are? Yeah, but where does she get off thinking that? Hang on, here she comes.
Shh, shh.
Hey, guys.
Why don't you like Riley? What? What? See, growing up on the lesbian commune, we believe you just put it out on the table.
It helps to diffuse the conflict.
Why do you think I don't like you? We just never do anything together.
We do tons of stuff together.
What about the flea market outside Wrigley? That was me, you, and Fitz.
The water park last summer? That was you, Fitz, Ben and Aaron.
That was a great day.
So fun.
So fun! I get the vibe that you'd be happier being just roommates.
That is so not true.
Let's do something tonight.
What do you like to do? Well, it's not like everything I do is so crazy and weird.
I do normal stuff.
All right, then name it.
I'm in.
Okay.
Well my pot dealer's having a retirement party, because the FBI made him snitch on some Mexican drug lords, so It should be pretty fun.
So, what are you thinking? Business casual? Um, no I'm kidding.
I know what to wear.
Great.
What do I wear? Can I back out of this thing? I found a smile in the mirror Yeah, I just woke up I put a pound of coffee in my favorite cup I got the house to myself, but I'm not alone Back on the couch, I put the TV on I put the TV on, yeah Okay, gentlemen, step number two: get very, very drunk.
I don't want to nitpick, but that was step one.
Well, it's also the next eight steps.
What's your point? FITZ: Ooh, step three: incredibly hot waitress comes over.
Hey, guys.
I'm Kristen.
Can I get you something to drink? Yes, we would like a bottle of your finest champagne.
And Oh! Two orders of the chicken dippers.
Dippers and champagne, very classy.
Do you guys want to open a tab? Uh, yes, we do, Kristen, and we would like for this gentleman right here to pay for it.
He's our sugar daddy.
Mm-hmm.
I'll get your champagne.
Okay.
Guys, thank you very much.
This is just what I needed.
And I must say, I don't know if it's the booze talking, but I'm feeling very, very attractive right now.
Man, you got beer goggles for yourself.
Hey, guys.
Kristen! Do you mind if I close you out? My shift's over.
No! All right.
No, no, no! Okay.
Whoa.
Hey.
It's not even It's, like I don't have my watch on right now, but it's not Your shift's not over.
I'm so sorry, but all good things must come to an end.
I'm going to see a band down on Navy Pier.
But Haley is here, and she'll take care of you.
K-street, listen to me.
Answer this question.
Which one of us dudes at this table would you go out on a date with? No, let's not.
It's stupid.
Let's not do that.
No! No! Come on.
Okay.
No wrong answers.
Totally hypothetical.
Which one of us do you think is the cutest? Well, you are all very cute.
I'll take it.
Great.
No! No! Okay.
Here.
Take this napkin, write the answer down.
We won't even look at it until you're gone.
Okay? All right.
But two hearts are going to be broken.
Good night, guys.
Thank you, K-street.
Bye, Kristen.
I say we don't even look at it.
You know what? He's right.
He's right.
This night is about you, Aaron.
You guys are a couple chickens.
I think we should look at the napkin.
No.
Seriously, this is a night-ender, okay? Let's just leave the napkin and back away from the table.
I gonna look at the napkin.
No, no, don't.
Yep.
Yep.
You don't want to look at the napkin.
Stop.
Seriously, you stop, man.
All right.
Whoa! Hey! Okay.
Bang.
Whoa.
It's Aaron.
Boom! Boom! Yeah! Yes! I knew it! Thank you very much.
I couldn't have done it without you.
You're the best.
Guess where we're going, everybody? Whoo.
Where we going? Navy Pier.
Come on.
We're gonna go find Kristen.
So, you doing okay? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
This looks awesome.
Hey, Riley.
How you doing, babe? Hey, Trey.
Um, congratulations? What do you say when your dealer retires? Yeah, it's emotional.
This is my friend Sara.
Hey, Sara.
You want a brownie? I'm gonna pass.
Yeah.
We're cool for now.
Okay.
Enjoy.
So, if you see any cute guys you want me to introduce you to, just say the word.
Oh, um but stay away from that guy with the rat on his shoulder.
He's super boring.
Listen, if you want to go, I totally understand.
I mean, you're a doctor, and these people do stuff like pierce tongues for a living.
Don't be silly.
I'm having an awesome time.
Let's kick it up a notch, shall we? Let's.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Probably shouldn't have drank that on an empty stomach.
You don't have to babysit me, Riley.
I'm fine.
I mean, it's not like I'm one of those prissy type A overachievers.
I hate those bitches.
I work hard, but I play hard, too.
Perfect.
Then you're in the right place.
Why does the bean dip taste like ass? Oh, um, FYI, I put some good times in the bean dip.
And the chicken wings and the cookies.
Pretty much everything you see here.
Sara? Hey! Hey.
We should probably go.
Why? This party's awesome! I just feel like I could be anything.
What if I was your shoe? Look! I'm your shoe! I'm your shoe! How are you holding up? I'm totally fine now.
I'm totally fine now.
Good.
I was a little worried.
How far is Navy Pier? Uh, yeah, it's-it's pretty far down there.
Uh-huh.
You know, but You know, if you're getting tired, we can just head on home.
Why do you keep saying that? What? I am not tired.
I have the strength of ten men right now.
Whoa.
Cool.
I'm gonna just sit down for a second.
Okay, right there.
Man, how long are you going to keep this up? Keep what up? Man, you know we're on the wrong train, man.
Shh.
Okay, be quiet, okay? We cannot go to Navy Pier.
Because she put your name on the napkin.
How did you know that? Come on, you never heard of the all-knowing black guy? No.
Green Mile? Bagger Vance? Shawshank? Okay, look, I thought it would be a boost to his ego.
Okay, I didn't think he'd actually try to track her down.
We just got to keep switching trains until he runs out of steam.
This lady over here just told me this is not the right train, you guys.
Oh, damn it! You know what? That is infuriating.
What is your deal, man? Are you so bitter that a gorgeous girl happened to pick me over you? Yeah, that we went head-to-head, and she chose the A-frame? No, not at all.
Unless this will end the night.
Then, yes, I'm so bitter.
No.
No, we are going to find the right train, we are going to Navy Pier, and then I'm going to shine like the diamond that I have become while you guys witness that.
Hey, dude? You have an awesome haircut.
My friend Gary has the same one.
Hmm? Yeah.
Navy Pier.
All right, buddy, hey, look.
Let's-let's not do this.
The concert's got to be over by now anyway.
Paging, Mr.
Block.
Uh.
Paging Mr.
C.
Block.
I promise, I'm not blocking you.
I'm looking out for you.
Besides, there's no way we're gonna find this girl in all of Navy Pier.
Hey! It's the guys from the restaurant.
Uh! Yeah! Hey.
Do you know who that guy is? No, never seen him before.
Me, neither.
Hey, does anyone know who that is? That guy? Wait a second.
I have seen him.
Yeah, he hangs around the railroad tracks sometimes.
He has one of them little carts he pushes around with cans and bottles and stuff.
Sara! Sara! Come here.
Come here.
Give me a second.
I'm making out with a hobo?! Oh, my God.
Okay.
Okay, let's go.
Okay.
Oh! You can't kill germs with Sunkist.
Don't tell me how to kill germs.
I am a medical doctor.
I thought he was in a band.
I mean, he kept talking about how he sold that album, made a bunch of cash.
I don't think that's what he meant.
I told him I thought the security tag on his pants was a cool, ironic touch.
Hey, you hooked up with a hobo.
It happens.
Oh, my God! Where's my phone?! My phone's gone.
This is all your fault.
How is it my fault? You took me to that horrible party, and you let me eat all that pot.
How was I supposed to know that there was pot in bean dip? Oh, please.
Oh, right, because, um, I'm this hot mess with the druggie friends, and you're Little Miss Perfect.
I'm not perfect, but I'm certainly not one What? A girl who went to a drug party, ate the most pot I have ever seen, danced like a drunk wizard and made out with a hobo? Because that's you.
That is not me.
I am a conservative girl from a small town with a medical degree and a clean room and a beading kit, and Oh, God.
You're a god? No.
Oh, God.
Oh, where can I vomit? Where do you want to vomit? At home! I want to vomit at home.
Right, then we better hurry.
Come here.
Ooh.
Too late.
I lost all respect for Jay-Z when he started wearing flip-flops.
I mean, thugs do not wear sandals.
I think it's so cool that you haven't figured out what you want to do with your life.
Hmm.
Not really.
I just think it means I have deep, psychological trouble.
God, you're interesting.
Hmm.
I just want to rescue you.
Well, the last girl that tried that, I wound up killing.
I love dark humor.
So, you're into computers? Is that right? That is a gross oversimplification of what I do.
Kristen, do you like chocolate? Because I like chocolate, and I once flew Potty! I'll go with you.
Ah, hang on, bitches.
What are you doing? What?! What are you doing? Kristen is trying to get with me, and you are, like, all over her.
Are you kidding me? I'm trying everything in my power to try to shake her off me.
It's like being guarded by Kobe.
You have been talking to her all night long.
Don't forget whose name is on the napkin.
Nope, I have not forgotten.
Okay.
What about Ula, huh? She's very pretty.
You guys got kind of have a cool vibe going.
Why don't you? Oh, my God.
You think that you deserve her or something, because she's the prettier one, and that I should be stuck with the plain friend.
That's not what I'm saying, no.
What are you saying? Hey, hey, guys, listen.
I'm telling you right now.
Let's just get rid of these girls, okay? We send them home, and we play drunk Halo until we all pass out.
No.
I want to talk about this.
Okay, there is an unspoken dynamic that's going on here where you think that you are Ben, the popular guy, and I'm the nerdy best friend, and tonight, it switched around, and it's freaking you out.
Okay, I just don't think Kristen is totally into you.
That's all I'm saying.
Really? Okay, let's just do the math here, right? One: I'm rich, two: I'm handsome, three: I'm incredibly rich.
And what do you do for a living? You write instruction manuals for vacuum cleaners.
Wow.
Okay, okay.
You want to do some math? Add this up.
Kristen wrote one name down on the napkin, one name.
Let's take a look here.
Huh.
"Ben.
" I know it's not math, but suck it.
You fabricated an alternate napkin? Well, that is No.
That's pathetic.
Aaron, it's true.
She wrote down Ben's name.
Man, he was just trying to be nice.
Nope.
This is not right.
Nope, nope.
Nope.
Nope! Oh, my Hey, girls?! Okay, listen, I get the black guy, 'cause I'm into that.
You should take the rich nerd.
And you're into the blonde douche bag, right? Hey! I hope you got a good explanation for this.
I thought your friend was cute, so I wrote his name down.
Well, then I guess you didn't do anything wrong! I think I'm done.
But just in case, let's stay toilet adjacent.
Yeah.
Mm, Riley, I'm sorry about this.
It's fine.
It's nice to know you're not Miss Perfect.
I am not Miss Perfect.
I lied to you the other day.
I wasn't at fish marketing class.
I've been sleeping with Ben.
Wow.
Yeah.
For how long? About a month.
And I don't know if it's the greatest idea, and it doesn't mean anything, but Actually, there is no but.
Well, you know I hooked up with Aaron, right? Yeah, he told everybody.
I just haven't been telling people because I've never done anything like this before.
It's exciting.
Becoming a doctor was such a responsible choice that it's fun to do something potentially really, really stupid.
Yeah, I do stupid things all the time.
I highly recommend it.
Sometimes I'm intimidated by how comfortable you are with yourself.
Sometimes I'm intimidated by you because you seem so together.
Yeah.
Well, I know that's not true now.
I'm glad we're friends.
Me, too.
I'm gonna go wash my face.
Did you knock? I tried.
He's deep into Warcraft right now.
I mean, he's not coming out till tomorrow.
Let's just go to bed.
Man, I can't go to bed knowing there's bad blood between friends.
We got to just clear the air.
Okay.
Hey, Aaron, do you want to do a thing where you decide whether Ben lives or dies? What?! Yeah, okay.
All right, Aaron, I know you're feeling a lot of resentment for Ben right now, but if you can't let go of your anger, then Ben is better off dead.
What?! No, I'm not.
Hey, listen, man, this is something I learned during my semester at sea, okay? It's meant to build trust among the sailors.
All right.
So, does Ben live, or does Ben die? Give me a minute.
This is crazy.
If I jump in, I'm going to drown.
Just chill, man.
In all the times I've seen this, nobody's ever had to jump.
Okay, Ben, I am letting go of my anger.
Think I was mad today because everyone always seems to like you more than me.
And I think that's just because you're a great guy, and I understand that today you were just trying to be a good friend.
Thanks, buddy.
You know, I'm sorry about the way tonight went.
I-I really should have been Oh, hey, hey.
Ah! Help! Ben! Here I come Oh, no, I'm not.
Ben, Aaron, come here! Here.
Oh! Oh.
Oh.
I think that my balls just swam away.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay.
Look, Aaron, if anybody in our group is better than anyone, then you're better than us all, okay? I mean that.
Dude.
Oh, oh.
Once again, the ritual has worked.
Okay.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Easy, man.
What are y'all doing? Hey! So, what's it gonna take for me to get my phone back? Dinner.
Oh, look, Dave, we've been over this.
I just don't think we're right for one another.
You don't have to be there.
I just want food.
Oh, right.
Can I get my messages, please? Uh, your mom called.
Your sister.
Boy, do they want you to get married.
Is that why you changed my Facebook status to "in a relationship"? I wanted to get them off my case.
They're relentless.
Ugh! Got to go.
Cops.