Friends with Better Lives (2014) s01e03 Episode Script

1 This wine is amazing.
- You were totally right.
- Oh.
How do you know so much about wine? Well, I spent ten years in an unhappy marriage.
That'll make a wine expert out of anybody.
Ooh.
I want to get divorced.
And that's when it happened.
She touched your balls? That is the greatest first date story I have ever heard in my entire life.
Not counting, of course, going to the movies with your parents.
'Cause that was magical.
Wait, so this Annika girl just reached out and grabbed your nuts? I wouldn't say grabbed.
It was more like a A graze, you know, a nudge.
Well, was it a graze or a nudge? Because there's a very big difference.
Mm-hmm.
A nudge implies intent, whereas a graze purely accidental.
It's tough to tell down there.
Every touch feels like something special.
Graze, a nudge.
I'd just be happy if somebody looked at it.
Happy now? Well, it's official I'm screwed.
The gyno tennis classic starts tomorrow.
And thanks to Will's "tennis elbow," I have no partner.
Hey, don't use air quotes.
That's a real thing.
I overexerted my elbow.
Yeah, by overexerting my Female Fitness magazine.
Honey, you could be his partner.
Lowell used to play as a kid.
Oh, yeah, but I'm not a gynecologist.
Although I am a vagina enthusiast.
See, both guys don't need to be an OB.
You'd be doing me a huge favor, Lowell.
Oh, Bob, you know I can't say no to you.
- Of course I'm in! - Nice.
Ooh, it's from Annika.
"Thanks for the drink.
I had a lovely evening.
" - Aw.
- Now, that is a class act.
And that is a picture of a vagina.
Who-ah, that's a hoo-ha! Close up, fully shaved.
Imagination not required.
Look at that, it looks like it's winking at you.
Will, if you really like this girl, there's only one way to respond.
Penis pic.
Oh, come on, don't be ridiculous.
This is Will, he'd never do that.
Yeah, seriously, he's so not that guy.
How do you know I'm not that guy? I've been with the same woman for 12 years.
We don't know who I am as a single, dating person.
Yes, we do.
You're the guy who asks the girl out for a root beer float, and then makes an oopsy in his boxers 'cause he can't get her girdle off fast enough.
You are totally wrong about me.
I can be wild.
I could be adventurous.
I could be cool.
No, you can't.
Watch me.
I'm gonna go photograph my privates.
No.
No.
Don't you think? All right.
No pressure.
- Just keep the ball in play.
- Okay.
Um, just to warn you, when it comes to tennis, I can get a little excitable.
- That's fine, just have fun, okay? - Okay.
Here we go.
All right.
- Good luck.
- Good luck.
Ace! In your face! You like my balls, old man? Because you're gonna be choking on them all day! Hey, thanks for the invite, Bob.
I'm gonna burn your houses to the ground and eat your children! This is a lovely facility.
It is a tournament for men who deliver babies and one man who threatens to eat them.
Lowell's the greatest partner ever.
Hmm, you should try having sex with him.
Well, let's see how the tournament goes first.
Oh, Kate, hi.
We weren't expecting you.
Uh-huh, I know.
What'd you do for lunch today? Oh, I didn't even have a chance to eat.
I had to take Charlie to the pediatrician.
He, um - He needed his shots.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
What shots did he get? Uh, measles, whooping cough, rubella.
Wow, and what about you, Jules? I've already had all my shots.
You guys, I saw you having lunch today.
And you declined my call! Oh Don't exchange a look! Just tell me what's going on! Okay, the truth is, we were planning Jules' wedding, and we just didn't think that you'd You'd be into that.
And why wouldn't I be into planning Jules' wedding? Uh We just didn't think you'd like talking about wedding stuff.
Why? Because I'm single? Because you pity me and think I'm gonna die alone? - No - Not for a very long time.
No.
Look, a lot of little girls dream about their wedding.
I dreamt of becoming a successful businesswoman.
And I have.
Success has asked me to marry him and I said yes.
And now we're raising a beautiful 401k together.
So you don't have to worry about me.
Well, in that case, will you make us the happiest girls in the world and join us for a planning lunch tomorrow? Yes, and I'm paying for all of it.
The lunch, not the wedding.
I'm generous, not an idiot.
Well, the picture has been sent.
Bam, done, drop the mic, walk away.
- Nice, man.
- Excellent.
- Congratulations.
- Surprised and delighted.
- Right? I think I struck the perfect balance, too.
Cool, casual, relaxed.
Wait, how relaxed were you? Fully relaxed.
Why? Oh, my God.
Oh, Will.
What? I didn't want to seem overeager.
Did you want to seem impotent? Why didn't you say something? We didn't think we'd have to tell a grown man not to photograph his flaccid penis.
There's only one thing to do.
You got to take it again.
And this time you got to get a little more skin in the game.
Or you could give up and admit you're not that guy.
No, I am that guy.
That guy is this guy.
I'm just working out some of the kinks.
All right, good luck.
If you need a little help, there's a new Female Fitness in the guest bathroom.
Okay, so fill me in.
What kind of wedding are we having? Okay, well, Lowell and I both love the ocean.
So we were thinking a beach wedding.
Malibu.
Love it.
When are you thinking? This summer.
So, you have all your permits? We need permits? Well, didn't your caterer tell you that? You don't have a caterer? Well, at least tell me you've petitioned the city for temporary two-way access for your deliveries.
We-we haven't exactly locked down all the details yet.
All these lunches and you haven't figured out a single thing? Hey, no, we figured out a lot.
We know that we don't want lame bridesmaids dresses.
Or rain.
And I want to wear my hair up.
Unless it looks better down.
Right, but that's it? That's all you've done? Well, we've been very busy eating focaccia.
And worrying that you'd catch us.
Maybe we could use some help.
Yeah, ironic that you didn't include me, and now you're begging for my help.
Hey, I wouldn't exactly say I'm begging Stop, you're embarrassing yourself.
I'll do it.
Yes! We are going to the finals! Yes! You are awesome.
I am so glad Will has masturbation elbow.
I know.
Me, too, right? And I've been waiting for the right time to bring this up.
I got a name for us.
The Racketeers.
I like it.
He likes it.
Good game, boys.
Good game.
Hey, I really want to apologize for what I said before.
I'm sure your mom is lovely and would never consent to that.
Good game.
Tough break.
See you next year.
Hey, McAllister.
Looks like we're gonna be going up against you in the finals.
Lowell, Dr.
Gunderson, Dr.
Adelman, they chair the obstetrics board at the hospital.
And we are the undefeated champions.
For 12 years, our office has been home to that magnificent trophy.
You can't imagine what it's like to cradle the golden vulva.
It's heavier than it looks.
Oh, well, with any luck, Bobby and I'll be taking it home tomorrow.
Well, we wish you good luck.
You know you can't actually win, right? Well, listen, not to sound cocky, but, um, I like our chances this year.
Well, I-I guess it's possible.
Anything is possible.
You might win.
Tell him what else is possible, Abe.
Well, it's possible you could end up doing deliveries in O.
R.
6 with the bad lighting and the weird smell.
Or we could move your locker over by the medical waste chute.
Or maybe just maybe your parking would be shifted to P2.
Whoa, what are you saying? That if we don't throw this game, you're gonna mess with me at the hospital? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- No, no.
We did not say that.
Those are your words.
But yes, yes, that's it exactly.
Okay, so we're agreed.
Blush & Pewter.
I'm checking off the color scheme.
Wow, this is more than I've gotten done in one day in my entire life.
I mean, for someone who never dreamed about their wedding, you are really good at this.
I'm good at everything, so Well, it-it-it was impressive and everything, but you chose a restaurant that doesn't serve focaccia, and that's just something that we look forward to in every meeting.
Ah, Kate, Jules, Andi.
This is Annika.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Hey, it's nice to meet you guys.
Order me a salad? I'm gonna run to the restroom.
All right.
You know, it's weird.
I don't know her last name, and yet I've seen her vagina.
So I take it she liked the second photo? Oh, yeah.
Well, once she saw the before, she was that much more impressed with the after.
It told a story.
- Oh.
- Wow, Will.
I am impressed.
Got to say, didn't think you would pull this one off.
That's because you underestimate me.
And lo and behold, I proved you wrong.
Let me take a picture of you being wrong.
Hello, this year's Christmas card.
Did you know this place was vegan? Yeah.
I figured we'd try something light and refreshing.
I'm not really that hungry.
Maybe we should just go back to my place and have sex.
Sex is light and refreshing.
Not the way I do it.
Okay.
Good shot, good shot.
I know it's hard for you, but I really appreciate you losing for me.
It's okay.
My serve! Hey, I see a glimmer of hope in your eye, Dr.
McAllister, and I'm gonna kill it like a particularly nasty yeast infection.
That's a good one, Dr.
Gunderson.
Tell him your put-down, Abe.
Tell him your put-down.
Well, I was just telling Ed here that your game reminds me of a case of trichomoniasis in an otherwise healthy vagina.
- I had to agree! - It's true! You guys are both hilarious and a pleasure to park near.
Seriously? Ah! You're so hot.
Mmm, so are you.
You want to get dirty? Yes, I do.
I want to do stuff to you.
Oh, really? What kind of stuff? Uh, dirty stuff.
Like what? Uh, my stuff's too dirty.
You go first.
How about this? Son of a! I love it! Really, huh? Yeah, yeah.
But I also like being denied pleasure, so, uh, don't do that again.
Ooh kinky.
Do you ever use props in the bedroom? Sometimes I use a lumbar pillow.
Get naked and get on the bed.
Ooh! Come on, Will, you got this.
You got this.
You're that guy.
Are you allergic to any sedatives? Wha-what? It's okay.
I took 'em all anyway.
Okay, now get undressed and grab onto those bedposts.
I'm gonna tie you down.
Awesome.
People know where I am.
What? Nothing.
Okay, item 43 on today's agenda.
Jazz band.
I don't really think we need a jazz band.
Okay, let's compromise on the jazz band and just go with the jazz band.
Moving on.
It's just that it feels a little formal for a beach wedding, but as long as we those wildflower centerpieces, I'm okay with it.
Yeah, animals pee on wildflowers, so, no.
She's doing it again.
- Totally.
- What? What am I doing? It's just that everything always has to be your way.
For instance, you didn't need to discontinue the focaccia.
I mean, look, Andi and I may not have been getting a lot done, but at least we were having fun.
This isn't fun.
This is a wedding, it's not supposed to be fun! I just feel like with you in charge, there's no way I'm going to get what I want, okay? Maybe we don't need your help after all.
Whoa, wait, wait, wait.
You're firing me? Well, technically, I never actually ever hired you.
You just kind of took over.
Okay, in that case, I quit! Can't wait to come to your wedding in 2087 when Malibu is under six feet of water and we have a robot president! I'd chase after her, but it's-it's physically impossible.
Now I feel bad.
Do you think she'll be okay? Oh, she'll be fine.
Now let's go to a restaurant that serves focaccia, - just get back into it.
- Okay.
Oh, my gosh, this bridal magazine is addressed to Kate.
She has a subscription? She is the little girl who dreams of her wedding.
Oh, my God, we just crushed a little girl's dreams.
And yet I still want focaccia.
This is nice.
Christmas has always been my favorite holiday.
I've been a naughty little girl.
And you're Santa and you've just locked up the department store for the night.
Wait am I Santa or am I the manager of the department store? Shut up, slave! Oh, my God, Mr.
Jojo, get away from the window! Oh, no! Oh! Mr.
Jojo is an indoor cat! Why did you open the window?! That's what requires an explanation right now? I'll be back.
Don't go anywhere.
I'd prefer if you didn't go anywhere! And yet, there you go.
Nice play, McAllister.
Your game is wearing thin like the uterine lining of a menopausal woman! Yeah, that's thin! Hey, Olivia Newton-John, my dingo's gonna eat your baby.
That's not really funny to us.
You know, I should take it easy on this guy.
He's not even a doctor.
He works in a restaurant.
Hey, he owns a restaurant.
And it happens to be one that I'm starting to tolerate.
I bet he didn't even go to college! Okay, you know what? That's enough! Hey! You don't tell Dr.
Gunderson when it's enough.
Dr.
Gunderson tells you when it's enough! Bob, Bob, it's fine.
And it's actually true, I didn't.
So let's just lose and go home.
No.
You know what? New plan.
We play to win.
Now hang on.
Is that wise? I mean, what about the work stuff? And what about the space for your car? What about the space for our friendship?! We are mates, aren't we? We're more than mates.
We're Racketeers.
Whew! And if anybody's going home with that trophy, it's us! Unleash the beast.
This is the side of Bobby I like to see.
Yes! Have you two gentlemen had lunch today? Because you're about to eat my balls! Mr.
, Mr.
Jojo, you're back.
Which means Annika's gonna be looking for you forever.
Call Bobby.
Calling mommy.
No, no, not mommy, not mommy, no! Will, so good to hear from you! How are you?! Mom, I-I need you to call Bobby.
Hold on.
Your father's yelling something.
I can't hear a thing.
Mom, I need you to focus and call Bobby.
Why don't you take this treadmill back? We never use it.
Hey, Willy.
It's your father.
Hank, I'm talking! I have a Facebook question.
It says I should update Internet explorer.
Do I need that? Dad, now is not the time.
I need you to call Bobby and tell him Oh, sorry, son, NCIS is starting.
We'll call you back.
No, don't hang up, don't hang up! No! Da This could not get any worse.
What are you looking at? No, Mr.
Jojo, no! Okay, open your eyes.
What is this? Are we crashing someone's wedding? Yes.
Yours.
Well, the one that you'll eventually have.
What? Yes, everything that you were pushing on Jules.
The city views, the jazz band, the communal table, were really actually things that you wanted.
Oh, what in God's name would make you think that? We know that you subscribe to bridal magazines.
Oh, okay.
So there's no denying it.
That is unfortunate.
No, it's not.
You're supposed to share your dreams with your friends.
Okay, fine, I'll share.
I do want what you guys have, okay? Can I jump off this roof now? Kate, you're gonna have a wedding.
And it's gonna be beautiful.
Yeah, but I don't even have I don't know if I'll ever You will.
So don't give up on it, because we haven't.
I love you guys.
I can't believe you went to all this trouble and spent all this money.
Actually, we used your credit card.
It may not work tomorrow.
Please tell me I bought booze for my fake wedding.
God, what is she, a sailor?! Who ties knots like this? Oh! Thank God! I called you guys, like, 15 times.
Doesn't anybody check their messages? What is happening? It's called modern dating.
And I hate it.
- Some of these lights aren't working.
- Hmm.
- I wonder which one is the problem.
- Yeah.
Seriously? Well, look on the bright side, now you've proven that you're that guy.
Thank you.
And thank you for not humiliating me by calling Well, well, well.
All right, how many you got? Looks like Christmas came early this year.
O come all ye faithful.
Did you go down her chimney? Did she go up your chimney? Where'd your ho-ho-ho go? Look, it's Rudolph the blue-balled reindeer.
Six.
You done? As soon as I get my Christmas card, so get in there.
- What a great idea.
- Wait a minute, hey.
- Guys, no, not - And smile.