Full English (2012) s01e03 Episode Script

1 And so our conquest of Planet Earth begins.
And why this location, Commander? I don't know.
I just kind of drove around, really.
You know, just found this place.
Saw it.
Thought, you know, let's go for that one.
You are wise, Commander.
Ugh! Stop sucking up! You're always sucking up, Mike.
It's not cool.
You make everyone else jealous.
Anyway, let the invasion begin! TREMBLE, MOTHERFUCKERS! Shit, that's a big dog.
Retreat Retreat! Retreat! Me first! Out of my way! Everybody, I would like you to meet my new girlfriend.
Don't be shy.
Candy! Oh, my God, Dusty's got a girlfriend! Glasses, Edgar.
Oh, my God, Dusty's got a sex doll! Not even a good one.
It hasn't even got the E-Z-Kleen arsehole.
I'm a real woman! Mate, that's just you putting on a really sexy voice.
Shame on you, sir! Dusty, I'm not sure this is healthy.
You need to get rid of this thing.
Let's just store it in my room for now.
That's just an idea I had, keep it in my bedroom.
Not a big Let's not make a bloody issue out of this.
I mean, it'll be, I mean, that's the safest place for it.
Give her Candy, look out! Noooooooo! She was my everything! Edgar, I think your boy has gone insane.
Am I right, Squidgy? Of course you are! Remember that time we went on holiday, and you went out Oh, right.
Yeah.
Ha-ha-ha! Yeah, and then what happened? Did he now? Yes.
No! Edgar, we need to do something about Dusty.
Ssh! Up next on Channel 4, a new thought-provoking documentary about a very special and brave boy with a rare genetic disorder, known as Spazzface.
I may have several nipples on my face, pus oozing from my forehead and chin-bollocks, but I'm still a person, goddamn it! Why do you watch this shit, Edgar? I find it uplifting.
Probably because I don't have a Spazzface.
If Dusty met a real woman, maybe he'd finally grow up.
Like you did after we got married.
Look! Spazzface is dancing! Nimble little fellow! Look at him.
And a spin, lovely.
What a celebration of our inner humanity! Grandchildren, welcome! So you want a tour of my confectionery empire? No, mum hid all my snacks, so I'm here for the free chocolate.
There is free chocolate, right? Chocolate, you say? Welcome to my Magical Chocolate Factory! Grandpa, this is really shit.
No, it's not! He's got oompah-loompahs! No, no, they're illegal Chineses.
I'm sorry, that's racist, I think some of them might be Jappos.
Hang on, where's the fat one? No, no, no, no wait! Stop her! She stinks! She'll ruin the chocolate.
Chocolate! Heaven! Eve! Thank god you're OK.
How could you let this happen? You need to make up for this.
Unless I decide not to, which, er, I just did.
You'd better! Make me, droopy-balls.
I'll tell Wendy.
How do you like that apple? Shit! Guardian Soulmates is fascinating! Yes.
It's a very nice place to go to meet red wine-drinking, self-satisfied, middle-class fuckheads with ironic moustaches.
I'm trying to find a woman for Dusty.
It shouldn't be hard, should it? I'll just send out some messages with his picture.
We'll find Dusty a girl in no time! Has anyone ever told you you're a beautiful woman? Oh, er, no! No, I thought as much.
But, has anyone ever told you that you have an inner beauty? Actually, no.
They haven't.
No.
I can't see it, either.
You have massive ears, though.
You must be able to hear extremely well! May I pull on them? Well, she's a barrel of laughs! Hey! I fucking heard that! And now, a special 3D presentation.
James Cameron - in 3D! Check it out! It's like I'm coming towards you? It's like, "James Cameron's touching my face!" How cool is that, right? It's totally realistic now, I mean, 3D, like, rocks! Like, way better than when we said 3D looked better the last time we said 3D looked.
Couldn't get any better, and now it's better James Cameron's right! You look so three-dimensional! Ha-ha! This is fun! You must be my date.
Goodness! You do remind me of my mother.
It is me, Dusty, I came to pick you up because your date cancelled.
I can't wait to get you home, sweetbuns.
Come on.
Let's go.
Oooh! You're easy, aren't you!? Muffins.
Oh, that sounds nice.
Sausages.
My favourite! Cheese! Oh yummy, yummy! Hey, I thought we were going to Burger King! Burger King!? Who said Burger King!? No, no, calm down.
Just a misunderstanding.
Yes.
After your little accident your mother insisted I help you with your weight problem.
What weight problem? Really? A while ago, I was showing my grand-daughter around my factory, Sweet Lavender, and I thought to myself Sweet Lavender! You're the reason I'm massively overweight! If it wasn't for your chocolate, I'd still have my legs! You, er, you do have legs.
I do? Look, it's not my fault you fatties have no self-control.
OMG, they're right, grandpa! You're the one who made us all fat! It's your fault for making unhealthy food that we decide to buy and eat, even though there are healthy alternatives we could choose instead! Oh, dear God! What have I done? Please! Don't eat me! Hello, I look for Madame Tussauds.
I love Madame Tussauds! Famous people made out of wax! How could you not spend an entire day enjoying that? To see Dizzee Rascal, motionless and made of wax.
Beside him, Stephen Fry, also motionless and made of wax.
And yet, in real life, these two would never meet each other! It is so much fun! You're my kind of girl! This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Mother, this is my new lady friend, Nadia.
Although I've only known her for 47 minutes, we are in love! And shall be married and be together forever! Like Woody Allen and that Chinese boy.
Like Paul McCartney and Linda McCartney! Or Paul McCartney and Heather Mills McCartney, or Paul McCartney and Nancy Shevell McCartney! Race you upstairs! You found him OK, then? Just don't tell him I hired you.
Nadia, I win! Dusty, could you Sorry! Sorry, just wanted to, erm, pick up my Cricket bat.
That's not cricket bat.
Exactly.
Sorry, also needed my My thing.
I don't get it! Why is a hot Croatian slut interested in Dusty? Well, actually, I thought I'd play Cupid.
I found Nadia on an escorting site! You, erm, you hired a prostitute for our son? She's not a prostitute! She's an escort! It's the same thing! Oh! Well I suppose we should put an end to it, then.
Wait.
Back the truck up, Wend.
It's nice having her around.
You know just, just to chat? Someone to chat with.
Sorry, me again.
Can't believe I forgot my golfing equipment! Dusty's finally out of our way.
This cheap Eastern European hooker is what this family really needs.
Ooh! It must be Nadia.
I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it! You're not Nadia.
Nadia is busy, darling, so they send me instead.
Now let's get going, I'm super excited to be horny with you.
So when my girlfriend isn't available, they send someone else as a replacement? Like when your car gets serviced and they send you another one? No, no, I'm a hooker.
Oh, I see.
Like in rugby? No, hooker.
Ah.
The Lebanese smoking pipe? Not quite.
No, hook Ah, the classic William Shatner vehicle from the '80s, TJ Hooker? No.
The blues legend John Lee Hooker! Not this.
Hooker! Ah, I know! Fighting Joe Hooker, the American Union army officer defeated by Robert E Lee at Chancellorsville? No, whore.
Er, prostitute.
I fuck you for the money! Never mind, silly.
Let's get some ice cream! You made me fat! Yeah.
Me too! No I'm hungry and I'm gonna eat you! No! Aaaargh! Are you OK, Ken? I'm afraid the unthinkable has happened.
I may have some semblance of a conscience.
No! Yes.
I've ruined so many lives.
Maybe it was that big fat joint I smoked before sleepy time, but I think I have to do something.
I need to change my ways! I need to change my ways I need to put things right To be a better man I'm going to start tonight I'll go to Africa and meet some kids with AIDS Stay in a nice hotel with my own private slaves I'll cry on camera with minor celebrities Improve their lives a tiny bit Get great publicity I'll change the world you know Stop watching donkey shows Despite them being as sexy as hell I'm going to go to an army hospital and pretend not to be repulsed by all the missing limbs.
I'm going to adopt 15 Chinese kids, give them a better life and one day, they can bring me dumplings in bed.
I'm going to buy Fairtrade coffee beans, whatever the fuck they are.
Take me to the chorus one more time, Squidgy! He's got to change his ways I need to put things right He needs to start today Shut up, it's my song! So let me get this straight.
You're going to sell me your whole company? The whole kit and caboodle.
Really? I've always wanted to get my hands on your international caboodling operations.
I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, not just because I'm 14 inches shorter than you.
But I've changed, Richard.
I can't believe it's coming to an end.
Our rivalry keeps me strong, Ken.
It's what makes Virgin the company it is today.
So you don't want to buy it? No, I want it.
We'll do the handover tomorrow.
I'll invite the press and the cream of the confectionary world.
And Dannii Minogue because I want to bum her.
That's fair enough.
Yeah, I get that, yeah.
These shenanigans with Dusty and the prostitute cannot continue.
I don't mind lying to him.
It's just She might be a cheap hooker but she's putting in a lot of hours and it is costing me a fair few sterling.
So what are you going to do, my old, er Edgar, I guess.
Maybe we could come up with some kind of annual deal with the escort.
Yeah, yeah.
That costs extra, mate.
Trust me.
Annual, Miles.
I said ann - double n, annual.
Britain's Next Top Model is about more than superficial good looks.
It's about personality, it's about empowering us women and making a difference in the world.
So what I'd like you to do is to get on the floor and show us some ass-to-ass.
Ass-to-ass! Yeah! Ass-to-ass! Yeah! Right in there, beautiful bitches! Ass-to-ass you're too young! Ass-to-ass! I want to see inside you! I'm never going to look like that.
Fuck this.
I'm getting a kebab.
Why aren't you ready for your grandad's party? I want a kebab! But darling, you're doing so well.
You look delicious! I think I might have a problem.
So what's this big announcement your dad wants to make? Have Immigration found out about the Oompah Loompahs? I don't know, but we're going to be late.
Come on, Jason, get changed.
But Ma, I'm watching Strictly Come Dancing.
Snoop Dogg's doing the Pasa Doble.
I call this the Pasa Doggie, bitches! Ahhhh! Oh, what an amazing feeling.
I'm in love! Ah, I'm in love I know you're in love, but put on some trousers, I can see your balls.
Oh my God, James Blunt's playing! I'm singing about my feelings I'm feeling so many feelings I'm singing about them now And I'm feeling kind of strange about the feelings He has so many feelings.
Mr James Blunt, everybody! The only person I could get at such short notice.
Today is the end of an era.
I am selling the empire of Sweet Lavender to my long-term nemesis and occasional squash partner Richard Branson.
No, no, no.
Don't worry, Branson assures me everyone will keep their jobs.
Apart from you, Edgar, you're definitely fired.
Shit.
I have something to say! Recently a special lady came into my life.
And now everything makes sense to me.
I can finally enjoy the sun, the sky and the marvellously irreverent comic stylings of Michael Mclntyre.
But he's shit! Hey, that's not fair! My bit about running out of milk when you really need milk and having to queue for the milk and getting the wrong milk is bang on! And don't get me started about public transport buses, buses they always come at Thank fuck for that.
Well done, boys.
This is a replica plastic ring from Mordor.
One ring to bind, they say.
Nadia, may I bind you? For 50 euros I will shit in your mouth, darling.
Wendy, this has gone way too far.
You're right.
Dusty, I'm sorry, love, but Nadia isn't really your girlfriend.
She's an open-minded Croatian prostitute we paid to make you feel better about yourself.
And it worked! I'm marrying her! No, we're saying, this relationship isn't real.
Bo-o-ring! Take him down.
I think I'm dying So you won't marry me? Darling?! I haven't eaten in two and a half hours.
I'm so weak.
Need chocolate Then for God's sake, eat some chocolate, love.
I just wanted you to be happy.
I just wanted Dusty to be happy.
But I made everything worse.
That's better.
Mein Gott.
What am I doing? Chocolate makes people happy.
So what if they get fat? Fat people are happy.
I mean, look at Nigella Lawson.
Exactly! Food is so sexy.
Look at me working the shaft of this churros.
Oh, Nigel, you've lost some weight, but those are some big arse nuggets.
Milf flaps extraordinaire! No, I think it may possibly have been a mistake to undo my life's work after one dream and a fat doobie.
Deal's off, Richard.
That bitter taste in your mouth, much like the fungus-ridden stench of someone's cola, is defeat.
I am once more your nemesis.
Let battle commence! Sorry, I didn't get that.
It's very windy up here.
Hello? See you for squash on Wednesday.
Come on, Dannii, bum time.
Oh, look at her.
She looks so happy.
It's so good to have her back to her old self.
I even saw her clutching her chest as she went up the stairs today.
Ah, that's nice.
She even lost some weight.
The doctor said she's not morbidly obese any more.
Just clinically.
Good for her.
Dusty, love, there's someone who missed you very much.
Candy! My sweet! We're sorry, Dusty, we love you just the way you are.
We don't want anything to change.
We are going to change this entire planet! It will become our playground and toilet area.
Separate, obviously.
You know.
We're not animals.
But commander - how will we succeed where we once failed? Well, you know, I brought a big gun this time.
So I figured that would sway things in our favour.
Um What seems to be the problem, commander? I can't, Mike.
These creatures love, like we do.
They know how it feels to fall in love and touch the skin of anoth