Funland (2005) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Danger.
Blackpool.
My son wants his liquor license renewed.
I want it blocked.
I'm pregnant.
You've knocked me up.
I'm not staying here day after day, being stared at by creeps.
Part those legs, and let's see your fanny.
We're selling up.
You work for me now.
Everything he does, I want to know.
You've done well, Bryan.
(Camera clicking) FRANNY KRANTZ".
Ambrose Chapel.
I don't care what it is, I'll do it.
just give me the worst you've got.
- Are you in or out? - I'm in.
(Screaming) DUDLEY: I've got you a towel.
- Tongue.
- Sorry? Do you like tongue? I could make you a sandwich.
Thanks.
I thought I might head into town.
Get a tattoo.
- Where'd you get yours? - You'll have to leave the sightseeing.
We've got business.
- What about me? - You're opening up.
CONNIE: I'm seeing the estate agent later.
We're getting this place on the market today.
Get your jacket, son.
CONNIE: I've found the perfect property.
Ten beds, Fuengirola, kidney-shaped pool.
- Yeah? - CONNIE: Absolutely fucking gorgeous.
- Can't he come down club and lend me a hand? - No.
(sighing) Who was that? Oh, Council, license no can do.
Ooh! Come here.
I'll give you a blowjob if you like.
- No, no, you're all right.
I just need the toilet.
- I can hold it if you like.
It's a number two.
Oh.
I'll mind your jacket.
(Toilet flushing) COUNCIL OFFICER: Proceedings in the main council chamber are about to be in session.
I trust everything is in order? There has unfortunately been a problem with your son's liquor license.
I don't think we'll be able to renew.
- And the hearing? - The elections are coming up.
COUNCIL OFFICER: Please be upstanding for His Worship, the Mayor.
It's nothing personal.
COUNCIL OFFICER: The council is now in session.
Don't worry.
I'll give Van Kneck's balls a tickle.
He'll soon change his mind.
What if it's the tit-witch? - I'll pay her a visit.
- Good.
And you can give her this while you're at it.
And tell her she can stick her rotten birthday party up her withered old arsehole.
First stop, Shangri-la.
Okay? How is it okay? Nothing's been okay since we got here.
The room's damp, the sheets smell.
- Anyone could burst through that door any time.
- I can fix that.
- Look, it's going to be all right.
- How's it going to be all right? He had a gun.
Look we're going to get through this together.
Man and wife.
And when we have, we're going to be stronger.
(Grunting) Then we'll go back to Stoke we'll get some counseling.
This whole thing could be good for us.
That's criminal damage, that is.
You've got a visitor.
Where are we going? DUDLEY: Nearby, is it? DUDLEY: Hell, they tell you not to gamble.
I should've listened.
It seems a bit harsh, though, all this.
We're here.
This, ladies and gentlemen of the council, is the problem.
Thongs of an inappropriate width, size and coverage.
MAYOR: A clear incitement to lust, drunkenness and impropriety.
For once, rather than saying "yes", someone must say a resounding "no".
And I will be that man.
I will stand up like a groyne against the waves.
I will turn back this lascivious tide of excrement.
Down with these thongs.
Close the lapdancing clubs and let's get back to what we all love.
- Wholesome family entertainment.
-WOMAN: Oh, yes.
I wish Mr Shirley had told me.
I was not expecting new girl today.
DUDLEY: What does she have to do? BRYAN: What you think? Get on that stage.
Shake it all about.
Have you got costume? (sighing) BRYAN: I don't know what Mr Shirley is playing at, sending me rank amateurs.
You will find some outfit in dressing room.
Old Lil will take care of you.
- You all right, love? - Yeah.
You're on in an hour.
(Door slamming) Gentlemen, you and I both know the truth.
We're all animals.
Mere apes, governed by primeval urges.
The desire to procreate, the need for regular release.
I provide a service no different from a restaurant or cafe-bar.
It's good, it's natural, it's necessary.
Oh, and is it n-n-necessary to bribe public officials? And intimidate journalists who dare to speak the truth? Remove that man.
I will not tolerate him soiling this chamber.
Hey.
I will not be silenced.
I know about you, and I know about you.
Hey.
And I know about Bridewell! I can assure you, gentlemen, I have nothing to hide.
I would like you to be confident that my thongs observe to the millimetre the letter of the law.
Please, satisfy yourselves.
(All gasping) COUNCIL OFFICER: Vote is carried, the motion is rejected.
Mercy Woolf's thongs are upheld.
Oh.
Ooh! Our license has been blocked.
I want it sorted.
I can't.
It's Mercy.
She made me.
Look, she's your mother.
You'll have to deal with her yourself.
(Shouting) (Ken coughing) Who the f-f-fuck are you? Braxton Hicks, Daily Mirror.
Pleased to meet you.
Beholdthe future.
The world's largest lapdancing emporium.
30,000 square foot of muff and nipple.
It'll be like ancient Rome, and you're going to make it happen.
Permissions.
Licenses.
I want to see wheels oiled and turning.
You'll announce it at the Cross Ball.
You've got two days.
Well, haven't you ever learned any dance routines? Why would I have ever learned a dance routine? - At school, with friends? - No, Dudley.
Well, maybe, I could teach you.
You know a dance routine? Superman by Black Lace.
It's easy.
Go for a walk.
Let's see you swim.
Now, ski.
Spray.
(Imitating spraying deodorant) Macho man.
Just do that, but with your clothes off.
- It's hopeless.
- It's not.
You know what they say.
Men are simple.
I'msimple.
Look, imagine I'm the audience.
Entice me.
Make me want you.
Feel it.
- I can't.
- You can.
I can't.
I'm all blocked up.
It's like concrete.
- I can't feel a thing.
- Not even for me? - No.
- Great.
Well, we're done for, then.
- Couldn't we get a bank loan? - Yeah, right.
- Our friends? - Your mum? - No.
- Well, she might want to help.
- No, Dudley.
- Surely you could just swallow your pride? No, no, no.
No, I can't.
No, I won't.
I won't do this.
I'm getting out of here.
I can't do it! (Knocking at door) We open now.
Get your costume on! Big bunch of stags in.
You got good audience.
There's corruption in this town, you've come to the right place if you want corruption but, hey, it's got nothing to do with the church.
Don't edit for me, Ken.
just tell me what you know.
How do I know that you won't steal my story? You know, I've had that before.
You big-time Johnnys come into town, little fellers like me don't get a look in.
Ken, look at me.
Do I look like one of those guys? I can help you.
I know people.
You do me a favour, I will return it.
You ask anyone that knows me.
Here, ring them.
Ring the 3am Girls, they'll tell you.
Braxton Hicks can be relied on.
Th-th-this town is rotten.
Rotten to the core.
She's the bitch goddess, and he's her whore.
(Mobile phone ringing) - Who's Bridewell? -B-b-best not to ask.
A big noise with a cruel streak.
No one's ever seen him.
I mentioned his name in my column once, I got sh-sh-shit through my letterbox for a week.
What about Ambrose Chapel? Why did the church sell it? Ah.
That's why.
Burnt to a crisp 27 year ago.
A very nasty business.
The vicar disappeared.
Very unpleasant.
- I've got a file on it at home.
-Who sold it to the Woolf s? Look, you know, I can't just drop everything.
You know, I'm a busy man.
Ken, all it takes is a word in my editor's ear.
Look, I'll see what I can find out and I'll get back to you.
(Mobile phone ringing) Yes? Mr Shirley, why you send me girl who can't dance? I have packed club.
She is real mess.
- She will fuck up bad.
- Good.
(Mobile phone ringing) - What? - I can't find me keys.
- SHIRLEY: You what? -I'm stuck outside with a five grand float.
- Anything could happen.
-just stay put, will you? - CARTER: Hello? - Are you taking the piss? Where the fuck are you? You were meant to pick me up.
Meet me at Mercy's.
Funland.
(Door closing) - Right, open the place up.
-Where's me boyfriend? He was meant to pick me up at the council.
Never showed.
You better tread carefully.
- But I love him.
- You don't even know him.
He turns up in town, second-hand suit, not a penny to his name.
- No, you're wrong.
He's waded.
-Yeah, and Tm Kofi Anna“.
No, he is.
I accidentally checked his pockets earlier.
He had a grand.
(I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred playing) See, it's not too bad.
They're just having a laugh.
She's enjoying herself.
Please, give I': up big time for Old Lil Valentine.
(All cheering and whistling) I need a drink.
(I Touch Myself by The Divinyls playing) - Expecting a call? - Drink? - Oi, grasshopper.
Where's the boss? - Mercy not here.
I need talk you about girl.
- She bloody crap.
- Mercy gets back, I wanna know.
Outside, sunshine.
Bingo, you Explain to me how you came to have a grand in your jacket pocket.
(mumbling) You told me you were skint.
(Muffled grunting) I'm not asking again.
(Muffled explanation) - What? - I'm working for your mother.
They caught me at her house.
Brought me here.
Stuck a fucking blowtorch in my face.
She told me to watch you.
- Report back.
- So you lied to me.
I don't know you.
I don't know her.
What would you have done? Top her grand, I'll work for you.
I can tell her anything.
Feed her what you want.
(Groaning) I can deal with Mercy myself.
(I Like The Way You Move by Bodyrockers playing) (Song ends, crowd claps and whistles) You're on next.
Don't fuck up.
- Right, good luck.
- No.
No, no, I can't.
Now, 1 introduce to you new girl! All the way from Stoke-on-Trent.
Miss Lola Love.
MAN: Come on, darling, I want to see a bit of flesh! - Yeah! - Come on.
Don't be shy, love.
- Get on with it! - Come on, love.
(Men shouting) (I Put A Spell On You by Marilyn Manson playing) I put a spell on you Because you're mine I can't stand the things that you do No, no, no, I ain't lying I don't care if you don't want me 'Cause I'm yours, yours, yours anyhow Come on, baby, dance with me! Yeah, I'm yours, yours, yours I love you, I love you Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I put a spell on you Lord! Lord! Lord! 'Cause you're mine, yeah I can't stand the things that you do When you're fooling around I don't care if you don't want me 'Cause I'm yours, yours, yours anyhow Yeah, yours, yours, yours Yeah! Yeah! (Music stops) (All silent) Mercy.
She here.
(Mobile phone ringing) Yeah? Yeah, all right.
I f-f-found something.
This is my ticket out of here.
Meet me on the b-b-beach.
Central Pier.
Now.
- You're a little early.
- I brought you a present.
- How touching.
- Don't talk, just listen.
I'm leaving Blackpool.
We're selling up.
We're getting out.
Now, I need that license.
You don't let it through, it's war.
(Air squealing) Everything's in hand.
- Why don't we just enjoy the party? - Shut the fuck up! I don't want to hear it.
None of it.
I don't want to hear about our special times, mother and son, our special bond, our afternoons, it's over.
I'm moving onwith me family.
Me only family.
I'm walking out that door into the sunlight and you'reyou're going to let me go.
Fuck you.
(Toxic by Britney Spears playing) You do good job.
You go again? Yes.
She delivered.
The old crow delivered.
We got our license, we can sell up, and we can leave.
- What are you doing here? - Well, there's a price.
We have to go to her shitting party.
Say goodbye.
No fucking way! What's she going to do? Stab us to death with a balloon? Listen, we just play her little game, we do what she wants, and then we're out of here for good.