Funny or Die Presents... (2009) s01e03 Episode Script

I'm not gonna have sex with a woman with a baby in her vagina.
Why do you think this is so weird? What if your water broke and it gets all over my wiener? Or that baby could grab my dick.
Give me your best shot.
I'll pull my '98 Chrysler in the garage, shut the door and let the tailpipe taint me before I let you tell me how to sell.
Oh, hello, there.
I was just admiring these breasts, here.
Aren't they great? I love breasts.
I love squeezing them and looking at them and bobbling them around.
It can be a lot of fun.
I think it's a real shame that a guy can't grab onto a pair of tits whenever he sees them.
But we live in an unfair world, you know the man always trying to keep us down.
Well, tonight, Funny Or Die fights back.
We grab at those boobs and we don't let go Metaphorically speaking, of course.
You really can't grab boobs.
Breasts.
Br Breasts? All right, pull it together, Ed.
Hey, I'll tell you what you can do, though.
You can slap together some comedy bits and try and call it a half-hour network.
That's what we did.
Tonight, on the Funny or Die Network: it's "Casual Sex" with Andrea Savage.
A music video from Mike O'Connell.
"Sleeping with Celebrities.
" " The Amazing Adventures of David & Jennie.
" A short film from Day By Day.
Dave Koechner in "Men of Unquiet Desperation.
" And "Space Baby.
" Hey, I'm Rebecca.
I'm single, 5'6".
Pisces.
Oh, yeah, and I'm eight months pregnant.
So I've only got a couple weeks to do everything I've never done.
Some women travel, or they find a new hobby like tying interesting knots.
In my case? I never had a wild phase.
So I'm just gonna lay a lot of dudes.
Oh, I could go for some barbeque.
So this is Mark.
He is the first dish in my sex buffet.
He is a dish.
Thanks eHarmony.
Tonight, no fear.
I'm getting intercoursed.
I will tell you that you look better than your picture.
That is my strategy.
I take a picture with, like, dirty hair and cross-eyed.
You were cross-eyed.
I know.
A little bit, you were cross-eyed.
Are you kidding? Me too.
I always get Boyz II Men and Bell Biv DeVoe confused.
I have no idea.
More like Cabo San Pukas.
You get points for that.
No one uses a pun in a funny way and that was actually funny.
"I no longer wanna be in this relationship.
" - After four years? - Yeah, what do you say? I was like, "Well, then, I don't either.
" Lie.
Mark Okay, I know I just met you.
- But - Wait a second.
I would like to have sex.
- What? - With you tonight.
Yeah, no, l This is great.
I just I didn't see it coming.
Well, now I guess maybe you can see it coming.
- Fuck, yes.
- Really? Yeah, I would love to.
Absolutely.
- We can go to my house.
- Yeah.
I have a Japanese soaking tub that might be fun.
- I don't know what that is.
- Well, it's fun.
- Great.
Let's check it out.
- Okay, I just have to pee.
- And I will be right back.
- I will be right here.
Okay.
Oh, God.
What the fuck was that? You ready to go? - You're pregnant.
- Yeah, I know.
Okay.
I'm not gonna have sex with a woman with a baby in her vagina.
So Actually, it's not in my vagina.
It's in my uterus.
There's a mucous plug that keeps the areas very separate.
So it's fine.
A mucous plug? Did you hear that, penis? There's a mucous plug.
Oh.
yeah, I agree, let's get out of here.
What is? What is the problem? You You knew I was pregnant.
No, I didn't.
You said that you were expecting.
I thought you meant like a package or a raise.
You know, there a lot of pros to the situation that you are not considering.
- Pros? Well, first of all, hello? My boobs are huge.
They are huge.
But that's gross, there's milk in there.
Oh, okay.
Also, you know you, news flash, can't get pregnant twice.
So assuming you're up-to-date on your blood work we don't even have to use a condom.
Which is always nice, right? Why do you think this is so weird? Okay, well, what if I dented the baby's head? What if I was on top of you and you went into labor? That's disgusting.
What if your water broke and it gets all over my wiener? Or that baby could grab my dick.
What if that happened? My penis will hit it in the face.
- What? - Yeah.
I guarantee your dick is not that big.
- You don't fucking know.
- Fine.
- Rebecca? - I'm a liar.
I will not, and will never, lay you.
Deal with that.
Well, the offer's not on the table anymore.
His loss.
" Oh, I'm so sorry I wanna have sex and you left me in a bar.
With a bunch of drunk dudes.
" Easy, cheesy, pretty pleasy.
Is this seat taken? Oh, no.
you wanna sit down, ma'am? Do you need this area, you and your baby need this area? Are you hitting on me? Oh, no, thanks.
Not gonna do it, lady.
I'm gay.
- How old are you? - Oh, that's disgusting.
- There is no chance.
- I'm sorry, what did you say? All right, you know what? Fuck this.
- You seem kind of crazy and desperate.
- Thank you.
I'd love to take you home.
She gets it.
And that's something else I've never done.
- All right, fuck it.
Let's do this.
- Great.
I'm just gonna let you know I'm not sure how good I'm gonna be at this.
Oh, you'll be fine, I'll show you.
Well, what exactly is it that you do? - That part I just am never clear about.
- It's a lot easier than you think.
I've never really even looked at my vagina so it'll be weird to see yours.
- We'll do it.
Do I have to steal one? Tell me this.
I have one more thing to say.
"Sleeping With Celebrities.
" Tonight, Brooke Shields.
"Sleeping With Celebrities.
" Do you think Blake will like his birthday card that I made for him? - Yeah, sure.
Why not? Open it.
- You made this? - Yeah.
What? You're gonna make me look bad, I didn't get him anything.
Why don't we just say this is from both of us? No way.
I don't want him to think it's like a joke.
- Because I wanna hit it.
- Girl, you are gonna hit it.
- Let's get laid.
- Let's get laid.
Hey, everybody, let's party.
Yeah, let's party.
You taste like scrambled eggs.
Hey.
Do you watch Star Trek: The Next Generation? - No.
- Because I can name all the characters.
Data, Jean-Luc Picard, Geordi La Forge, Will Crusher Beverly Crusher - David.
Jen.
You guys mind joining me in the closet? - Happy birthday, Blake.
- Shut up.
Every year my grandmother sends me homemade éclairs for my birthday.
And every year you ne'er-do-wells gobble them up like chowhounds.
- Can I have this sword? - Awesome.
- Cool.
Are you kidding me? Not even.
And if you touch anything in my refrigerator you guys are gonna get your butts beat.
No, he locked us in.
Oh, wait, no, he didn't.
Hey, I heard that there's éclairs in the refrigerator.
Jennie, we are not You're gonna beat our butts, aren't you? No.
You're gonna beat each other's butts.
Fight, fight, fight No.
Me and Jennie are friends, we're not gonna fight.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
You wanna go? Are we going? We going? David, don't worry.
I've got a plan, okay? Okay, I trust you.
All right, everybody back.
I said, everybody back.
David, go on, get out of here.
I got this one, okay? - Yeah, okay.
- David, go.
Oh, and Blake? We'll be taking the rest of those éclairs.
Okay, I gotta go.
- Captain Picard? - Yes, Data? You have something on your face.
Napkin, engage.
Great days start with even better mornings.
Great days start with even better mornings.
Of course, I'm late.
I mean, the guy's directions were All right, son, I have to go do this appointment.
You wanna wait in the car or you wanna come with me? I don't care.
Well, have an opinion, son.
You Don't trust a man without an opinion.
Okay.
All right, let's go.
Come on, come on.
Oh, there he is.
Mr.
Stern? Hey.
Jerry Prastis.
Morgan Music Supply.
Sorry I'm late.
It's quite all right, I was just grading some papers.
It's not all right.
If you're late, you're in denial.
Okay.
Is this your son? Yeah, I'm I'm out here homeschooling him between sales calls.
See, his mother and I are having marital problems.
Show of hands.
I'm not married.
So your music department needs a new piano.
Let me tell you something, Morgan Music Supply has been in business for 37 years.
And we're not gonna take a shit just because the rest of the country is.
- We're gonna be here.
- Good to know.
So that's a yes? Well Let's see what you have.
Let's get to yes.
Okay, but do you have a brochure? Let Let's listen to the sales pitch.
All right? While you natter on about "Let me, let me see, see.
" You know, let's have a rapport, a relationship.
- You like humor? - Sure.
All right, why don't you pick an ethnic group? No, no.
- You don't know where it's gonna go.
- I do.
- Screw it.
- Mr.
Prastis.
- Jerry.
- Okay, Jerry.
Yeah.
We had a Boston Upright piano, but it was vandalized.
Now, tonally speaking do you prefer the Boston Upright or an Essex? You wanna talk price? No, l Tonally.
You know, the tone.
What it sounds like.
Well, I'm gonna be straight with you, Karl.
- Okay.
- I don't know.
You You just said that you've been working for Morgan Music for 37 years.
I said they've been in business for 37 years.
I've been with the company for a week.
But I don't care what it is, I can GD sell the GD thing.
Okay, okay, just please stop raising your voice.
Don't you tell me how to do it! I'll pull my '98 Chrysler in the garage, shut the door and let the tailpipe taint me before I let you tell me how to sell! Arthur Miller wrote comedies as far as I'm concerned.
Let's go, Charlie.
Complete waste of time.
I mean, he called me.
I love your mother.
I know.
We'll get them, son, don't you worry.
Have A Look At All we know about Space Baby is that she's from Earth.
And she travels the galaxies looking for a one-eyed man who has a briefcase handcuffed to his arm.
And as she travels from planet to planet she rights wrongs and helps the oppressed.
Space Baby.
We've received reports that the one-eyed man was seen near Bear Planet.
Be careful, we don't know what's on Bear Planet.
I know there's bears on Bear Planet.
I meant, we don't know if they're friendly or not.
- What happened? - She disappeared off the screen.
She's just a baby, and I was giving her a hard time.
If something happens to her, I'll never forgive myself.
What are you doing here? You are trespassing on Bear Planet and for that you will die.
You don't want to hurt me? You make me laugh, puny baby.
Give me your best shot.
Sir, I've picked up Space Baby's signal again.
Space Baby, are you okay? You're right, that bear did fuck with the wrong baby.
This has been another episode of "Space Baby.
" Next week on "Space Baby": Terminate.
Terminate with extreme prejudice.
Here comes Space Baby.
Shoot her.
- Where did she go? - She's right there.
- Where? - It's the baby in the sky.
Shoot it.
I have given her picture to all the guards.
Let that baldheaded faggot have it.
That's next week, on "Space Baby.
" I sure hope you enjoyed tonight's fiasco.
On behalf of Miss Loganthorpe and myself, I say good night.
And I'll see you at the pawn shop.