Funny Woman (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

The following programme contains
strong language from the outset.
MARTHA REEVES AND THE VANDELLAS:
Nowhere To Run ♪
Nowhere to run to, baby
Nowhere to hide
Got nowhere to run to, baby
Nowhere to hide
It's not love I'm a-running from
Just the heartbreak
I know will come
One moment, please.
Hi, I'm Sophie Straw.
I'm in The Jim and Barbara Show.
Sophie Straw Ah, yes.
Would you like to go through?
Thank you.
Nowhere to run to, baby
Nowhere to hide
Got nowhere to run to, baby
Nowhere to hide
Hello!
I know you're no good for me
But free of you I'll never be, no
Each night as I, as I sleep
Into my heart you creep
I wake up feeling sorry I met you
Hoping soon that I'll forget you
When I look in the mirror
to comb my hair
I see your face
just a-smiling there
Nowhere to run
Nowhere to hide from you, babe
Got nowhere to run to, baby
Nowhere to hide
I know you're no good for me
But you've become a part of me
Nowhere to run to, baby
Nowhere to hide
Got nowhere to run to, baby ♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
MAN: Just got that Clive
Richardson on the wireless,
The Awkward Squads.
WOMAN: He's very easy on the eye.
The first time I ever felt nervous-
(ON RADIO) "..hopeless, though.
That Sophie Straw,
or whatever she calls herself."
"Oh, yeah?"
"I've heard she's rubbish."
Den!
Everything alright?
"..in a summer show in Clacton."
I've never even been to Clacton!
"Don't know how she got the job,
she couldn't act for toffee!"
(SLAMS SHUT)
What if I mess it up?
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hi, Soph. We've got some
last-minute script changes.
We've done a tiny rewrite
- - on the opening scene.
- Right.
- Right.
So
I can't learn all that!
Oh, Den, is it too late to recast?
What?
Oh, they're kidding, Sophie.
Jesus Christ, you two.
This is her first time,
so just knock it off.
Sorry, Soph.
We just wanted to say break a leg.
Why?
Oh, oh, oh. No, no, no.
No, no. Soph, it's just
actor speak for 'good luck'.
Yeah, cos it's bad luck
to say 'good luck.'
(GASPS)
Fuck, I just said 'good luck.'
Oh! Oh!
What if I mess it up?
Look, Sophie, darling.
Even if you fluff a line,
I'll just make up a little joke
about how it's your first time,
- ha-ha-ha.
- Right.
Everyone out of Sophie's
dressing room, right now.
Er, not you, Sophie.
Oh, Den
what if you've made a mistake?
What if I can't do it?
I haven't made a mistake
and you can do it.
And this is all just nerves.
It's quite natural,
but you can use it.
You can use the nerves
as a sort of fuel.
I don't really know
what you're on about, Dennis.
Once you're out there
in front of an audience,
you'll be fine.
Trust me.
You're a natural.
You're brilliant.
(SNORTS)
You're Sophie Straw.
(EXHALES)
Now, there is a
hair curler, still in your hair.
Oh!
Yeah.
Now, take a deep breath
(INHALES)
and you're ready to go.
(KNOCKING)
It's showtime. Yes.
You can breathe out.
(EXHALES)
Ooh.
(SIGHS)
So, in this Comedy Playhouse,
Jim works for the Foreign Office.
Ooh!
(AUDIENCE OOHS)
And Barbara is his
'cleaning lady from up north'.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(WARM UP CONTINUES FAINTLY)
Ah!
Oh, no!
(KNOCKING)
Just a minute!
We need you on set, Miss Straw.
(WHIMPERS)
So, after three three! (LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
That's wonderful, wonderful, yes.
So, now let's make that laugh
a little bit bigger if we can.
Great pep talk Dennis,
She's not coming out now.
(KNOCKS) Um, Sophie?
Slight costume issue.
What's happening?
A slight costume issue.
Imagine your mother-in-law
breaks wind at a wedding.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
That's it, that's it, very good.
Well, now that we
(ON RADIO)
"Haven't got the cast yet, Bert."
"We need to knock back
the recording time."
WARM UP: ..get to know each other!
So, everybody
Seriously? Who the fuck does
she think she is, Shirley Bassey?
Get Polly.
Bollocks to it.
No! (SLAM)
Well done, everybody, well done.
Oh, I've got a man there
who's showing me how to wind wool.
Oh, no, I think he's saying
'keep going, keep going.'
Yes, apparently the cast must
still be in the bar (LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
So
Shit! OK, we haven't
got another pair.
I don't know why I've come on.
I'm not due for another week.
Just performer's nerves.
Your cycle's out of sync.
Oh, I've not used one of them before.
What? How old are you?
My Auntie Marie disapproved.
Don't ask.
Haven't you got a pad?
No.
Just get those trousers off
- and shove it up.
- Alright.
Sophie, can I help at all?
BOTH: No!
I thought this might happen.
She hasn't had drama school
training. She's bottled it.
(ON RADIO) "Um, so,
still not ready to record."
Agh!
Where's the fucking talent?
Ow, this thing hurts!
Don't ram it up your wee-hole.
Right.
If you don't come out
this instant, you little diva,
I will kick the bloody door down.
(GRUNTS)
(OBJECTS CRASHING)
(SIGHS) Let's go do a show.
Why is she wearing jeans?
maybe I should find out
where everybody's from.
So, anyone from Outer London?
MAN: Yes!
Oh, you, sir. Very good.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Don't suppose you saw
the cast there, did you?
(LAUGHTER)
I wonder where they are.
Oh, ladies and gentlemen,
they are back from their holidays.
Let me introduce
Dennis Mahindra, the producer.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
What the fuck?
I'm so sorry.
Well, hello, everyone. Um
Apologies for the slight delay.
None of us could find
the 'on' switch for the cameras.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Would you like to meet the cast?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
Very good.
So, playing Jim,
the political hotshot,
is a man with a glittering career
on stage and screen,
the pinnacle of which is, of course,
playing Captain Smythe in
The Awkward Squad.(AUDIENCE OOHS)
I give you the one and only
AUDIENCE: Clive Richardson!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Who's in charge here?
AUDIENCE: You are!
Very good.
And playing Barbara,
the cleaner with a difference,
introducing our
hugely talented newcomer,
Miss Sophie Straw.
(APPLAUSE)
(WOLF WHISTLE)
(LAUGHTER)
Hiya!
Good luck. First positions.
Enjoy the show.
MAN: First positions, please.
MAN 2: Running camera two.
Hello, boys and girls.
Let's go for a take, then.
(PRODUCTION TEAM CHATTER)
And Action!
Of course, Cicely, darling.
There is absolutely
no other woman in my life.
- - Jim?
- Hmm?
- Shall I flick it
on your knick-knacks?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
Cicely, darling, please.
My boss and his wife
are on their way over here.
Now, I am due a promotion
and they're expecting to meet you.
And without you, Cicely, I
(DISCONNECT TONE)
Cicely?
(SIGHS)
Oh, God!
What am I going to do?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
WOMAN: Shot 62,
coming to camera three.
Alright, let's try this
one more time.
Hello, I'm Cicely.
How lovely to meet you.
(HIGH-PITCHED, POSH) Hello,
I'm Cicely. How lovely to meet you.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
No, no, no, no. I'm Cicely.
Oh, so you're Cicely now?
Does that mean I'm Jim?
I think that would be
a bit of a stretch.
What? No, no, no. No, no.
Can't I just be myself?
No, absolutely not, no.
You're from Liverpool.
- Blackpool.
- Well, either way, he's not
going to understand a word you say.
Look, perhaps it's better
if you don't actually speak at all.
Er, just just make noises.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
No, not that one.
(SCREAMS DAFTLY)
Alright, alright, off you trot
to the kitchen to prepare
- the hors d'oeuvres.
- The what?
Hmm!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(SQUEALING) Mm!
Ah! Here she is!
The hostess with the mostest.
(SQUEALS POLITELY)
(HUMMING)
(KNOCKS CAMERA) Oh, shit!
I mean:
(SQUEALS) shit!
(AUDIENCE GUFFAWS)
Right! First positions,
we'll have to go again.
Ah! (NERVOUS LAUGH)
He says He says we have
to do it again. So sorry, everyone.
They should've splashed out
and got a proper actress, hoo-hoo.
(LAUGHTER)
(GIGGLING)
And tell Sophie Straw
not to hit the ruddy camera!
(SIGHS)
(SQUEALS) Mm!
Do tuck in, sir.
Is that it? I'm famished!
Oh, come on, sir.
That's very nearly a mouthful.
(MILD LAUGHTER)
BILL: Fucking audience!
Wouldn't have hurt them
to laugh a bit more.
It's free, for fuck's sake.
Just took them some time to warm up.
You'll tell us in a minute
they were laughing inside.
It didn't help that Sophie was
determined to bump into the camera.
Mm, they really laughed at that.
Where is Sophie?
Den, mate, what did Ted Sargent say?
Well, he's not here.
He usually sticks his head in
if the show went well, so
That's it, then. We're fucked.
Ted Sargent hated it.
Will you all just calm down?
He didn't give anything away at all.
Well done tonight. You were great.
Even managed to upstage Clive.
Not deliberately. (CHUCKLES)
Thanks for saving me.
Here.
Trust me, they are the future.
Thank you.
See ya.
Sophie!
Um, we're all in the bar.
I'm sorry, Dennis. I can't stay.
Oh, well. Well done for tonight.
Did Ted Sargent like it?
Bits of it.
Sophie, is everything alright?
My dad was rushed into hospital
last night and I
Oh, my goodness need to get the
last train home in case
well, in case.
Is there anything that I can do?
Don't worry about the show.
Safe journey. I'll
let you know what happens.
Ooh!
She came then, did she,
her ladyship?
The girl who had better things to do
than rush to her father's deathbed?
Deathbed? I've had a stroke.
I've already told Dad
how sorry I am I couldn't come.
You'd better have a good excuse.
She's going to be on the telly.
And I've got a ten-foot tail.
Auntie Marie(SIGHS)
I've been acting
in a TV Comedy Playhouse,
and if I'd have come yesterday,
I'd have lost my chance.
Is this one of
your tall stories, Barbara?
Like when you told everyone your
mother had been abducted by aliens?
You did the TV show, then?
And was it worth it?
My dad's poorly,
so I'm just here to settle his bill.
Tell Mr Parker it's on the house.
Oh.
Thank you.
We could have had it all,
you and me.
We were golden.
King and Queen of Blackpool.
Right.
(RADIO PLAYS)
"Captain Smythe was played by"
SOPHIE AND GEORGE: Clive Richardson!
(BOTH LAUGH)
You two and your radio.
(TURNS RADIO OFF)
Oh, Marie, put your feet up a minute.
I haven't got a minute. The whole
boarding house is in a state
after that Scottish family left.
I swear they had rabbits with them.
There were pellets
all over the floor.
Can't believe our little Barbara's
going to be on the telly.
(CHUCKLES)
Here you are, Dad.
Do you want the blanket?
Hmm? Yeah, go on, then. It's free.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, he seems much better.
When do they expect him back at work?
They don't.
He won't be going back.
He's a liability.
It's harsh, but there we are.
Oh, Auntie Marie, no.
I know you think this is all my
- fault.
- Well, it's not been ideal,
but he's not been right ever since
your mother broke his heart.
(SIGHS)
Oh, he gave us a terrible scare.
Terr (SOBS)
Oh come on.
I just don't know what to do.
(SNIFFLES)
Him sick and you gone.
I'm at capacity with everything
and I can't split myself in two.
It's alright, Auntie Marie.
(CRIES)
Have a sip of tea.
My little London adventure's over.
I'm back now.
(SIGHS)
There you go.
Oh!
You've put in too many leaves.
It tastes like soot!
Oh, Barbara.
Ooh, maybe not those flutes, Bill.
Sorry. They're a bit of a family
- heirloom.
- Wow, there's posh.
The only thing
I ever inherited was acne.
I hope you like the show, Edith.
Well, a bit late if she doesn't.
The show's on TV in
oh, now.
Why Why wouldn't I like it?
Well, be honest, Edith.
Is comedy really your thing?
Nonsense.
Edith has a great sense of humour.
What was it that really
made you giggle the other day?
Oh, when you mispronounced the word
'embourgeoisement.' (LAUGHS)
Easily done.
(TV PLAYS)
Right, right, right, right. Shh.
Ooh, is it starting?
What?
It's a special occasion.
(LAUGHS)
(ON TV) "Cecily, darling, why?
I mean, what's wrong?"
It's our Barbara!
Ooh!
Oh, my God. My face looks
all mad wonky.(GROANS)
"Mmm?""Shall I flick it
on your knick-knacks?" (LAUGHTER)
"Er, just just make noises."
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)"No, not that one."
(SILLY NOISES)"Alright, alright."
(LAUGHS)
"..to prepare the hors d'oeuvres."
"The what?"
"Is that it?"(LAUGHS)
"I'm famished!"
"Oh, come on, sir.
That's very nearly a mouthful."
Could've sworn I got a bigger laugh
- than that on the night, no?
- Yes,
but we had to use the second take,
the audience are always more muted.
Could've nicked the laughter from
when Sophie bumped into the camera.
Fuck off.
I don't need her laughter off-cuts.
"Oh, you must give me that recipe!"
(CHARACTERS LAUGH)
"It's so nice to see a young couple
so much in love."
GEORGE: Hey, it's your name.
Well, your stage name.
Oh! Well, that's very professional.
Oh, very good, love.
I wasn't sure about all the kissing
and cuddling at the end.
They're not married,
are they, Jim and Barbara?
That's the point. It's modern.
Hmm.
Well, perhaps we should have
some of the proper stuff, then.
Ooh, are we having
- a celebratory schooner?
- Well.
Well, we should make the most of it
because it's probably just a one-off.
(LAUGHS)
Well, whatever happens, love
you've made us ever so proud.
What do you think, Den?
Will Ted grant us a series?
Well, I think
he'll wait for the, er
ratings and the reviews
to come in first.
Well, if he doesn't give us a show,
fuck him. His loss.
I'm up for a huge part
in a film with Julie Christie.
We're trying to do something
different here. Give us that chance.
The Comedy Playhouse was that chance.
This is a television network and
not an experimental theatre group.
But Tony and Bill,
they're not just writing
a comedy about
an odd couple falling in love.
They're challenging expectations.
They're just challenging,
according to the press.
The reviews are decidedly lukewarm.
Yes, but the one thing
they all agree on is Sophie Straw.
Ah.
'In an otherwise underwhelming
effort, etcetera, etcetera'Yes.
'Newcomer, Sophie Straw,
is certainly the one to watch.'
It would have been helpful if
she'd watched where she was going.
First rule of live recording is
don't bump into the furniture,
let alone the cameras.
Yes, but she scored a laugh off it.
Most other actors would
have just crumbled.
She's raw,
but she connects with the audience.
Well, she certainly seems
to have connected with you.
She's a find.
Let me direct it.
I know what this show can be.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello? 4758.
Yes.
Oh, yes.
On the mend, thank you, Mr Mahindra.
Yes, yes, just a minute.
Hello?
Yep.
OK.
I understand.
Yeah.
Thanks for letting me know.
Alright?
Mm-hm.
It's probably for the best, love.
You couldn't have done it anyway.
Oh!
I'm so sorry, love.
Ted Sargent said yes.
You what? He said yes?
Oh, we've got your hospital
check-up next week.
Maybe we should go for a walk on the
promenade if you get the all-clear
and we need some more potatoes,
yes. Erm.
Erm.
Listen,
if you don't go to London
straight away and do that show
I swear I'm gonna have
another stroke.
But she's needed here.
Marie, no.
George, she can't just come
and go as she-Just shut it!
Alright? Yeah.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Oh! (LAUGHTER)
What does a girl gotta do
to get a drink around here?
(SHOUTS)
(LAUGHS)
It's Sophie Straw
- from the television!
- Hi, Dennis.
Good to see you.
Christ, Den, pump her arm any harder,
water will come out her mouth.
(LAUGHS)
Yes, erm, sorry.
Ooh, come on, then.
Tell me what's been happening. Well
So, the good news is
Ted wants the first show
on air in just over six weeks.
And the bad news is
Ted wants the first show on air
in just over six weeks.
(LAUGHTER)
But this is an opportunity for us
to do something original.
- - Mmm.
- Yes.
- Yeah, we pushed
boundaries with the pilot,
and now we can talk about all the
- things we want to talk about.
- Mmm.
- Poverty and privilege.
- Oh, yes.
Sexual revolution,
gender inequality,
absolutely anything we want.
Ooh, just the thought of it gives me
a bowel movement.(LAUGHTER)
Ooh, I need that drink.
- Ooh-hoo!
- Yeah, you've got some
catching up to do.
Get that down you.
No, these thugs don't know how
to treat a lady, right? Why don't
I get you a nice little cocktail?
Thanks, Clive.
(LAUGHTER)
ASTRUD GILBERTO:
Goodbye Sadness (Tristeza) ♪
Oh! What?
Ooh!
What's that?
That's a whiskey. (LAUGHS)
Wow.
(APPLAUSE AND SHOUTING)
Got it!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
And not forgetting
Quite right.
(BELCHES)
(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)
- My God, Soph!
- Disgusting!
I've never seen anything like it!
Could you keep the racket down,
please?!
Ah.
Oh
I'm joking. Oh, my God!
Oh!
(RELIEVED LAUGHTER)
Yes,
I didn't even know you were here.
Having a brainstorm
with my editorial team.
MEN: Hello! Hello!
Hi, I'm Sophie Straw.
Edith. Dennis' wife.
Oh.
Well, congratulations.
Oh, yeah, thank you.
Thanks very much.
(GIGGLES)
See you tonight, darling. Yes.
BILL: Right, well,
I make it you owe me four whiskeys,
two beers and a lady cocktail.
Yes. I remember.
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh, it's good to be back.
Did you miss me?
It said, 'Newcomer, Sophie Straw,
who looks like a cross
between Brigitte Bardot
and the girl next door.'
Oh. (MIMICS DAFTLY)
Well, your new best mate, Diane,
seems to think
you're the next big thing.
Well, I didn't bring Diane back
a stick of this, did I?
Am I meant to bite it or suck it?
Well, I'd say that's entirely down
to personal preference, Marjorie.
Oh, come on, give us a hug.
Ooh!
Get off me.
The first episode's gotta
really set its stall out.
Like Den says,
it needs to be original, edgy,
politically challenging
and satirical.
So,
managed to write any
ground-breaking comedy yet?
So far, Tony's come up
with a great one.
Barbara and Jim are a couple.
You gotta admit it's good.
Television awards all round.
Here we are.
We'd make a great couple, Den.
Chin-chin.
I wish Jim could be queer.
That's a great set-up, right, Tone?
The married homosexual.
That's edgy and original.
Yeah, and it would get us all fired
by Ted Sargent.
Yeah, Tony's right.
It's a good idea, though.
No, I don't think TV is quite ready.
A Night with Val Doonican!
(LAUGHING)
Ooh, that old Irish
rocking chair fella
wants to spend the night with me?
He's 36 years old.
And don't flatter yourself.
A Night with Val Doonican
is only the most successful
TV light entertainment
variety show on air!
(SQUEALS)
And they want you
for a guest appearance.
(LAUGHS) They've got
a wonderful idea for a sketch.
Val doesn't understand
a word you're saying
because you're Blackpudlian,
and (LAUGHS)
you take the mickey out of him
because of his Irish brogue!
(LAUGHS)
So, basically, we're just
making fun of our accents?
- Yeah.
- Bill and Tony
would say that's a cheap laugh.
Try telling that to Peter Sellers.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Now, while those beatnik scribes
pen you a series,
I shall single-handedly
mastermind the next step.
Well, here's a thought.
We could confront an issue
that, you know,
many people struggle with on their
wedding night but won't discuss.
Constipation?
No, Tony. Sex.
Isn't that what
most people do as soon as
the wedding guests have gone?
Cor blimey, Tiger. Revealing yourself
there a bit, aren't you, Den?
What do you think, Tony?
Barbara and Jim are married
but they haven't had sex.
Is that realistic?
Bill, mate.
Because, um
maybe one of them's got
a psychological problem.
Ah, frigid wives
have been seen before, Bill.
I don't think it's the wife
that's got the problem.
Hm. Interesting. Start typing, Tony.
Now, look here. I don't say this
to many of my girls,
but there are times in a career
where the tide turns
and pulls you inexorably
towards your destiny,
towards stardom.
It happened to me,
and to Patsy too, although
obviously to a lesser extent,
and now it's happening to you.
So keep your sails trimmed,
your fingers crossed,
and let's hope for green lights
all the way, hmm?
(SQUEALS)
Green lights!
Green lights.
All the way! (LAUGHS)
Oh, darling,
Diane Lewis called for you.
She would love to do
another interview with you.
Oh, well, I really like Diane,
but I'm not sure I've got much
more to divulge to Cherry magazine.
Oh, well, she's not with Cherry
anymore, darling, she's with Nova.
They're billing it as
'a new kind of magazine
for a new kind of woman.'
What's wrong with
the old kind of woman?
Well, anyway, Diane would love
to take you shopping later.(GASPS)
Yes, just a relaxed, 'two girls
having fun in private' type thing.
Well, with a photographer.(LAUGHS)
Oh, you can get a new dress
for the Val Doonican!
Shall I let them know it's a yes?
Patsy, get Val on the telephone now.
Yes.
(SQUEALS)
Wow. So, this is where
you used to work?
This is where my mum
gets her girdles.(BOTH LAUGH)
Marje!
This is my flatmate, Marjorie.
Marje, this is the photographer,
Ari, and Diane.
It's so great to meet you, Marjorie.
I've heard loads about you.
Likewise, yeah.
No, I I won't shake your hand.
No, no, it's just I've
had my mitts on feet all day
so they smell like, erm, bum-hole.
(LAUGHS) Let's go.
Hiya. Alright?
(CAMERA CLICKS)
Hello? Excuse me.
What's going on here?
What are you all doing here?
You've got work to go to.
(CLAPS HANDS) Shoo! Shoo!
Madam, may I be of service
Miss Sykes!
Long time, no see.
I see you haven't shifted the badger.
(LAUGHS)
How does it look?
Absolutely perfect.
(LAUGHS)
You dirty little show-off!
Give it!
(GASPING)
I mean it!
Give it!
Get it off your
What are you gonna do, fire me again?
(GASPS) Oh!
(GIGGLING)
Woo-hoo!
Security!
Whee! (SCREAMING)
YMA SUMAC: Malambo No. 1 ♪
(LAUGHTER, SHOUTING)
(SHOP WORKERS GASP)
Woo!
What are you doing?!
(LAUGHS)
(GIGGLING)
(SECURITY GUARD SHOUTS)
JACQUELINE TAIEB: 7 Heure Du Mat ♪
(CAMERA CLICKS)
So, what are you interviewing
women about now, then?
Divorce, careers
orgasms.
(GASPS)(LAUGHS)
Oh, crikey! Oh, that's a bit racy
for an ordinary girl from Blackpool.
If you were an ordinary girl
from Blackpool,
you would still be there.
What about this for the
Val Doonican Show tomorrow?(GASPS)
Yes, great. Your nan would love it.
Try this, instead.
Diane!
That's basically
just a bag of glitter.
I wore more than that when I was
fan dancing at the Whiskey Cat Club.
Go on. Dare you.
(APPLAUSE)
Our next guest
has just wowed audiences
in a Comedy Playhouse
as beautiful Barbara from Blackpool.
Please welcome the lovely
Miss Sophie Straw.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Ta-da! (LAUGHS)
Ta-da!
That'd give me wind.
Sardines.
(LAUGHS)
I think they're just posh pilchards.
I got them in a delicatessen.
Delica-what?
New hair, posh pilchards,
wine for tea?
Nah, you've changed.
(MOUTH FULL) You're right.
I really have changed.
(LAUGHS)
"..Miss Sophie Straw."
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Come on.
"Sophie, meet TV's Mr Magic."
"Hello."
"Pretty little thing you are."
(AUDIENCE OOHS)
Oh, my effing God! Could you not
afford the other half of the dress?
(LAUGHS)
"I may be a magician,"
but it is gonna take
an absolute miracle
to keep that dress in place.
Oh!(LAUGHTER)
Oh, I think we'll be fine
as long as I don't sneeze.
(LAUGHTER)
Does anyone have
any pepper? Pepper? Salt?
"Oh, I think
you're salty enough, mate."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
Guess what?
I'm interviewing Jacob Bronowski.
Vernon's been grilling me
all day on The Identity of Man.
Right.
Sorry. Um
It doesn't matter. Go back to your
dumb blonde on her variety show.
She's not dumb, actually.
And she's not blonde, actually.
"..we have a special guest tonight!
Roy Target and Chuffy."
That was low. Sorry.
Well, it's not like you.
It's not like me to feel threatened.
(ON TV) "Oh!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(GASPS) Fan mail!
I got actual fan mail?
One letter.
When I represented Diana Dors
she got two huge sacks every day.
Mmm. Crikey.
On which note,
Mr Magic telephoned, darling.
He was very impressed with you
on the Val Doonican Show.
He made an impression on me.
His breath smelled of eggnog.
Oh, well, he would love
to take you out.
Hmm!
Oh! No.
Alright we'll politely decline.
I'm sure there's another
young starlet who's
very happy to be dragged
to the Vaults of St James.
I hear it's the grooviest
nightclub around.
Maybe I'll check my diary.
THE CREATION: Making Time ♪
Making time
Shooting lines ♪
Put your sunglasses on,
because you are about to be blinded.
Evening, boys, snap away.
Hm?
Sorry, sir, you're not on the list.
(LAUGHS) I am
Mr Magic.
Still not on the list.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
Oh, that normally works.
PHOTOGRAPHERS: Johnny! Johnny!
Oh, my God, Sophie!
Diane! (LAUGHS)
I don't know what this list is,
but we're not on it.
Ron, darling, they're with me.
Yes, ma'am.
(LAUGHS)
Hm.
(MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)
May I have the honour?
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Of course, it was me who invented
the disappearing bra trick.
I whip off the brassiere
using only my
telekinetic powers.
Would you like a demonstration?
If you're wearing one.
Hiya.
Who's that?
Um, Johnny.
He's totally off his chump,
but he wants to say hello.
Oh, right.
Hello!
Oh! Ha!
It's alright, allow me.
Huh? Hmm?
Lots of them.
Oh! Goodness.
Hey, babe.
We've met before, right?
I don't think so, babe.
I checked you out
grooving with your grandad.
What did he say? What, what
- did you say?
- That you're groovy.
Right. Is that a good thing?
Yes.
Yes, it's a good thing. Thank you.
That's TV's Mr Magic, that is.
Oh!
Well, he should magically make
himself disappear, shouldn't he?
Back to 1952.
If you'd pick a card
Hey. We're all heading to a party.
You should ditch him
and come with me.
Er, it's past my bedtime.
I've got something
that will keep you up.
Now, don't tell me the card,
I shall shield my eyes
Sniff it.
(COUGHS) Oh, no!
(LAUGHS)
Sorry!
Fuckin' hell!
What the fuck are you doing?!
Come on, come on, let's split!
Come on!
(GIGGLES)
And as if by
Show us your magic wand, then.
Fuck off!
Come on, let's get on 'em. (LAUGHS)
(BOTH SCREAM AND LAUGH)
(SLAM)
That's pretty good.
I'd buy that.
Sorry I'm late.
I got my stiletto stuck in a manhole.
She never disappoints.
Congrats on the Doonican show!
(APPLAUSE)
Well done, Soph.
Ooh!
Hello, Sophie.
Hi, Dennis.
(SNIFFS)
BILL: What the fuck, Clive?
Oh, you never heard of
the classic script sniff?
I heard Hancock used
to do it to grade how funny
a script smelt out of ten.
Ooh, you smell funny.
Oh, get off!
This is Brut by Faberge.
More like Shit by Toilet Spray.
(LAUGHS)
(SNIFFS)
Well, I think you smell nice.
BILL AND TONY: Oooh!
Are you literally five years old?
Yes, it'll soon be their nap time.
Why don't we get it on its feet?
So
episode one, Trouble Down Below.
DUANE EDDY: Rebel Rouser ♪
OK, so back. Let's get the feel
(BANG)
Oh! And I bash me head.
Could do a little, er
has to be dramatic.
Can't see your face.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Oh!
Very good.
Hooray!
Oh!
(SQUEALS)
(APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER)
Very good.
So then, finally, Barbara
and Jim are actually in the bed,
and then you emerge from the covers.
'Limp as a noodle'?
Does that mean we're s-Sorry, are we
actually saying that I'm impotent?
Well, we're implying that-
Er, err!
Barbara is sexually experienced,
yeah.(SIGHS)
Sorry, Soph, is that a problem?
Bloody hell!
My dad and Auntie Marie
and the neighbours will be watching.
Well, you explain to your family
that the show isn't real.
Well, I don't think they've quite
got the hang of it because,
you know, Barbara is from Blackpool
and I'm from Blackpool,
and she's called Barbara,
and I'm called Barbara (LAUGHS)
It's confusing.
It is You're called Barbara?
Well, I used to be.
What? When?
What? When?
Er until the day you met me.
(LAUGHS)
Why didn't you say anything
when we called
your character Barbara?
I didn't know I was allowed to,
and you-Excuse me.
Sorry, darling, sorry.
Can we just park that
and talk about me just for a second.
Are we actually saying
that I can't get it up?
Uh, wait, now you're doing it.
Jim's not real.
Yes, we are saying
that Jim can't get it up.
(SCOFFS) Have I ever got it up?
Not in our comic universe, no.
OK. So, we're basically
saying I'm a virgin?
I mean, people won't buy it.
I mean, look at me. Hello.
Fuck me!
That should be on your gravestone.
"Clive Richardson, too good-looking
to be a virgin."(CHUCKLES)
Your character has
a psychological block.
I could probably sue you for this.
I mean, slander, libel.
There must be something.
I'd go to trial every day
if that went to court.
We're just trying to make it real
for the audience. Lots of
couples have problems.(SCOFFS)
Well, I don't.
You're not you, you're Jim.
(GASPS) Maybe Barbara could be upset
and think it's her fault.
No, actually, that is a lot more
realistic. Thank you, darling,
thank you.
No, no, why should it be her fault?
She's not responsible
for your hydraulic failure.
Christ! So that's actually what
hydraulic failure actually means.
That he's actually got
something wrong with his knob.
With his head. It's psychological.
I like it.
I think it's modern.
Well, of course you fucking do.
You're not the one
with erectile dysfunction.
I like that Jim's upset.
Shows he's not afraid
to show his emotional side.
I think that's
sexy in a fella.
(LAUGHS)
Is it?
(SIGHS) Anyway, look,
what happens next, though?
I mean, he can't just stay limp.
What's the solution, chaps?
With my ex, it was a bag of chips
and a pickled egg.
Oh
Well, alright,
we'll work on it. Erm
You two go and have lunch
on the production.
Tony and Bill,
back to the typewriter.
May I, darling?
Yes, you may. (LAUGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
BILL: Pickled gherkins?
Got two Ks in it.
(LAUGHS)
I've heard about this place. (GASPS)
Doesn't Mick Jagger come here?
Maybe. You know,
I hadn't noticed, actually.
I can't believe they just
let us walk straight in.
Thank you. (LAUGHS)
When I went to that club
with Mr Magic,
they weren't interested,
and he's a really well-known face.
Ah, well-known farce, more like.
(CHUCKLES)
And, um Thank you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Frankly,
well, he's no Clive Richardson.
(SNORTS)
(LAUGHS) I'm only joking.
Ah.
Don't look, but over there,
it's Terence Stamp and The Shrimp.
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
She is gorgeous.
Well, you didn't exactly do badly
when God was handing out looks.
(LAUGHS) Er
Well, nor did you.
Erm So
(CLEARS THROAT)
We're all just
looking at that sunrise,
and then the boat rocked,
which is impressive given
Let us toast
the beautiful TV lovebirds.
Oh, thank you, Mario.
Thank you.
Cheers, darling.
(CLINK)
Down the hatch.(LAUGHS)
(CLEARS THROAT) Delicious.
Everybody seems to be
staring at us, Sophie Straw.
How about we give them
something to talk about, hey?
Follow my lead (CLEARS THROAT)
(KISSES)
(WOMAN GASPS)
You know, Sophie
I have never met anyone like you.
What, Northern?
MICKEY AND SYLVIA:
Love Is Strange ♪
(DOOR SLAMS)
(GIGGLES)
Mmm
Who's in charge here?
Mm, you are.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh!
Love is strange
No complaints, I hope?
No danger of confusing Clive with
poor old Jim and his limp noodle?
Oh gosh, no. (LAUGHS)
What do you think
the others will say?
Well, I don't think they need
to know about this, do they?
Dennis takes a rather dim view
of cast liaisons.
What do you mean?
Oh, no, it's just, you know,
something I heard.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Love is strange ♪
(TRAIN HONKS)
(PANTING AND MOANING)
(CLOCK CUCKOOS)
(CLOCK CHIMES) (TRAIN HONKS)
(GASPS)
Oh, Jim! Oh, my goodness!
I think I preferred you
with hydraulic failure.(CHUCKLES)
I can't keep it up.
Oh, I can.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(AUDIENCE OOHS)
Is it my imagination?
The chemistry is
particularly good tonight.
They've fucked!
FRANK WILSON:
Do I Love You (Indeed I Do) ♪
Here I am on bended knees
I lay my heart down at your feet
Now do I love you?
All you have to do is ask
I'll give until there's nothing left
Now do I love you?
As long as there is life in me
Your happiness is guaranteed
I'll fill your heart with ecstasy
forever, darling
Do I love you?
Do I love you?
Do I love you? ♪
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