Futurama s01e03 Episode Script

I, Roommate Hey! If you're going to live in the office, at least be on time for work.
I'm sorry.
I was up really late poking through people's desks.
All right, I will now outline today's 12-point agenda.
We'll begin with point one, then race forward- Concerning our pest problem somebody's leaving food around, attracting owls.
And I, for one, am getting tired of cleaning those owl traps.
Now as this shocking graph shows, our water consumption tripled last month.
I noticed Fry's been here a month so I'll appoint him to find who's responsible.
Fry? Am I cracking up, or is Fry's living here getting in the way of bus-? You're getting a huge dose of radiation.
And great lift.
Know how long it'll take to recalibrate these? When you look this good, you don't have to know anything.
We need to talk about Fry.
That's right! We want money! What's this about Fry? He's nice, but it's time he got his own place.
Fuff! He's not causing trouble.
Now if you don't mind, I'm rather busy.
I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy.
This sarcophagus should contain Emperor Nimballa who ruled Zubin Five over Hey, professor, great jerky.
My God, this is an outrage! I was going to eat that mummy! Fry has got to go! Bachelor Chow, now with flavor.
And Bigfoot is down! Sheesh, 40,000 channels and only All My Circuits brought to you by Robo Fresh, designed by a robot, for a robot.
I've been processing this for some time, Monique.
Will you marry me? Oh, Calculon! It fits! - You must know I'm- - Metric? I've always known, but for you, my darling, I'm willing to convert.
Must be a friend of theirs.
We've got to discuss your living arrangements.
- We've all talked it over- - All My Circuits! Move over.
Sometimes in close quarters, people do inconsiderate things not realizing it.
- I know, but I forgive you.
- No by "close quarters," I mean this office.
- By "people," I mean you.
- Right.
- And by "inconsiderate"- - We're trying to watch TV! Yeah, would you kindly shut your noise hole? - Who's the weird-looking guy? - He's a human.
- What's he do? - Usually human stuff.
- He laughs, he learns, he loves.
- Boring.
Calculon, I thought you were in a coma.
I wanted you to think that with your soft, human brain.
Hey, why's the TV getting smaller? We'll bill you for the couch.
Cheer up, meat bag.
You barely touched your amoeba.
I just don't feel like eating.
You want it? Nah, I'm watching my input.
I need lots of wholesome, nutritious alcohol.
The chemical energy keeps my fuel cells charged.
- What are the cigars for? - They make me look cool.
I can't believe they threw me out.
I must have been a jerk.
Yeah, but everybody's a jerk.
You, me, this jerk.
That's my philosophy.
So where are you gonna stay? I don't know.
Do refrigerators still come in boxes? But the rent's outrageous.
Why don't you move in with me? Really? That would be great! You sure I won't be imposing? Nah, I've always wanted a pet.
- Here we are, your new home! - Cool.
I've never seen a robot's apartment.
Come on in.
I'll give you the tour.
Let's see.
Where to start? Okay, this is the TV area.
That's the breakfast nook.
Here's where you'll live which is great because it's been wasted space.
It's cramped.
I don't even have room to hang my clothes.
You've got one set of clothes and you're not taking them off while I'm here.
- Well, I'm bushed.
Good night.
- Wait, Bender.
Bender? Kill all humans, kill all humans.
Must kill all hu- Bender, wake up! I was having the most wonderful dream.
I think you were in it.
Listen, Bender, where's your bathroom? - Bath what? - Bathroom.
- What room? - Bathroom! - What, what? - Never mind.
Hey, sexy mama.
Want to kill all humans? We're cheerful this morning.
This week with Fry's been a blast.
Beneath the warm, sunny exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot.
- What happened? - It's Bender's apartment.
He put in carpeting.
Now, my head hits the ceiling.
Do you realize you're standing at a weird angle? - Now you're okay.
- Look at you.
You're a wreck.
You have to find a new place.
Is that an invitation? Love your optimism.
Seriously, you must tell Bender you're moving out.
He might get upset.
I can't do that to him.
Hey, there's my little space heater.
- Well, I'm moving out.
- What? I'm sorry, but there's not enough room.
Not enough room? My place is two cubic meters and we only take up 1.
5.
We have room for another two-thirds of a person! What if I help you two find a bigger place? I don't know.
I've got a lot of great memories in my old place.
And now they're gone.
Sure, it ain't one of them la-di-da aboveground places but if you like dank, hey, forget about it! At least it's got a great view.
What the-? Excuse me.
I gotta go change a light bulb.
Wow! Now, this is fantastic! I'm not sure we want to pay for a dimension we won't use.
I give up.
What's the catch? No catch, although we are technically in New Jersey.
Not one place even remotely livable.
Oh, how awful.
Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say? Well, how is his wife holding up? To shreds, you say? Very well, then.
Sad, sad, terrible, gruesome news about my colleague, Dr.
Mobootu.
Was his apartment rent-controlled? Wow! This is beautiful! What's with the crap? - It's not crap.
Dr.
Mobootu collected this crap while he explored the universe.
This place has everything but the thing I care about, a TV.
It's got a TV, you young what-you-call-it.
Idiot.
Slow down! This place just doesn't feel like home.
It just isn't cozy.
I can barely move.
It's perfect! Man, it's a total sty! For the first time in years, I feel like I'm home.
It's gonna be fun on the bun.
You know, Fry, of all the friends I've had, you're the first.
- Hey, mon.
- Blub-blub.
Happy housewarming, Fry.
It's a miniature fruit-salad tree.
- Hey, Amy.
- Hey.
This is for you, Fry.
Zevulon the Great.
He's teriyaki-style.
Wow, heavy-drinking crowd.
I'd better get more beer.
All My Circuits is starting.
But I need alcohol to power up my batteries.
If Calculon's wedding doesn't go just right I'll be emotionally and electrically drained.
Ey.
These are mighty tasty.
Thank you.
I made them myself.
The wedding's about to start.
If anyone here objects to this union, let them speak now or forever hold- - Is he objecting or backing up? - Both.
My half brother is correct.
I have a terrible secret.
And that secret is- - Oh, come on! - Fix it! What happened to the TV? - It went out.
- This is an outrage! I'm gonna go yell at the manager! All right! Come back, Bender! It's working.
To reiterate, my terrible secret is- - It's out again.
- What? That's the last straw.
It's back on! I don't mean to pry into what you're doing with the one-eyed lady and Chinese girl but everyone's having trouble with their reception.
Get rid of what's causing it or we're out of this dump! Relax, sonny.
This cajigger will find the source of the interference.
- Hey, come on! - We want our TV back! There's the problem.
My God, Bender, it's your thingy! Then get rid of it! You people are nuts! My antenna never interfered with my old TV.
You had cable.
This is satellite.
Your thoughts are transmitted on the same frequency.
- They're on my cell phone too.
- Madam, I believe you're mistaken.
Wow, that lady's got a huge ass! Those could be anyone's thoughts, fat ass.
- The robot has to go! - Yeah! - Well, you heard the mob.
- Fine! Let's move to that apartment that smelled.
You liked that one.
It's tempting, but I am already kind of settled in here.
We can live underground with mutants.
Some fire'll show them who's boss.
Is there maybe some way we could do this with you going and me not going? I don't understand.
You live in the closet.
You'll be as happy in your old place.
But we wouldn't be roommates.
I'll come visit.
And you can visit me here.
- No, he can't! - Anyway, it'll work out.
This way, we'll both be happy.
Happy.
Yeah, that's Bender.
Always happy.
Hey! The TV's back on! We are gathered to mourn Calculon's death industrialist, private eye, friend.
Mind if I give the eulogy? Calculon, you're alive! Calculon's back! Right.
So long.
Goodbye.
Will Calculon's evil twin ever walk again? I don't know, Amy.
I just don't know.
Hey, thanks for coming.
How could you let that mob kick Bender out? Come on.
Bender loves mobs.
When he's in them.
You really hurt his feelings.
Don't girl me with that girl stuff.
We're guys.
Guys don't have feelings.
- Bender's not a guy; he's a robot.
- Same thing.
It's so big and empty.
My roommate's gone.
All he left behind was an eyelash and three skin flakes.
What's the point? Bender? My God, you're a mess! - Leave me alone.
- Look at that five o'clock rust.
You've been up not drinking.
Hey, what I don't do is none of your business! Please have a malt liquor, if not for you, for those who love you.
I hate the people who love me, and they hate me.
It's obvious you miss being Fry's roommate.
There's a better way to deal with it.
Like how? Having my antenna removed? Well, if that would work.
You crazy? That's Little Bender you're talking about! I can't cut it! You're not a robot or a man, so you wouldn't understand.
I gotta get out of here.
Wait, look at me and promise you won't get behind the wheel without an alcoholic beverage in your hand.
I promise nothing! Oh! What up? I can't be silent about Bender anymore.
Silent? You've been meddling for two weeks.
I can't just do that.
Your best friend's out there destroying himself.
I didn't think he'd miss this apartment that much.
He doesn't.
He cares about you.
And you turned your back on him.
Oh, man, I had no idea.
If only I knew where he was, I'd go talk to him.
Oh, stupid TV! You're blind, stinking sober! Right! I'm sober and crazy and I don't know what I might do! - Don't do it! - I don't know what it is! Oh, yeah, now I remember.
I thought I could live alone, but I can't.
So, I'm gonna do what it takes to be your roommate again.
- Stop! - Cutting her head off won't help! No, I'm gonna chop off my antenna.
Hey, yeah, that sounds good.
Can I give you a hand? Don't help him mutilate himself! It's a useless antenna.
He's not a ham radio.
I'm gonna do it, I'm really gonna do it! Don't try and stop me! Here goes! Oh.
Hey, it worked! The static's gone! - I hate that this came between us.
- Me too.
I'm filled with a large number ofpowerful emotions.
You're my best friend.
Sorry I treated you badly.
Apology accepted.
After all, you're only human.
You guys could learn from them.
- She's right.
- You're my best friend, Fry.
- I'm sorry I treated you so badly.
- Apology accepted.
After all, you're only human.
Wait a minute.
You did it all backwards.
Fry's the one who should be- Oh, never mind.
Oh.
- What's wrong? - Nothing.
I'm just gonna have to get used to being half a robot.
This isn't right.
If we found your antenna, could they reattach it? Maybe, if we get it on ice right away.
Bingo! You call that an antenna? This time, you'll have the human comforts.
We'll get a couple of toilets, food cookers, maybe a puppy.
- It's good to be home.
- It sure is.
I saved your stuff.
So that's where those skin flakes went.
- Will this tree get enough light? - The closet has a window.
This is huge! Bender, why don't I just live in here? In a closet? Oh, humans.