GBH (1991) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Fuck, fuck, fuck them! Fuck that Lenin! Fuck that Marx! Fuck the workers! Fuck the bosses! Fuck the unions! Fuck the scabs! Fuck the police! Fuck the courts! - Fuck the judges! - Fuck the bastard who robbed my bank! Fuck them all, fuck them all The long and the short and the tall Fuck The Guardian! Fuck The Times! Fuck The Mail! Fuck The Mirror! Fuck The Beano! Fuck The Sun! Fuck The Star! Fuck the moon! Fuck today! Fuck tomorrow! Fuck the women! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck the women! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck the women! Give me what I want to hear! - Fuck you now, sir! - Fuck him now, sir! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck Jim Nelson! Who the fuck, who the fuck, who the fuck is this you mean? - Jimmy Nelson! - Sha-la-la-la la-la li! Who the fuckin' 'ell is he? Fuck the rich! Fuck the poor! Fuck them rotten and fuck them all! Fuck the sick! Fuck the lame! The old, the young, I know I'll fuck again! Come on! Come on! Fuck the world! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck the world! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck the world! Oh, fuck! Hey! Hey! Mouth! I apologise.
Sorry.
There's nothing like waking up in your own bed.
Even if it's only for a change.
- Very good.
- Jim.
Jim.
Look.
You finish school on Friday, I finish work on Friday.
- We go away - Don't talk to me as though I'm a child.
We go away on Saturday.
This is Thursday, we start packing tonight.
I'm going to Martin's tonight.
Well, I'm going to try.
The sooner I tell 'em the route we're going to take They may not want to go.
Well, why else are you going to see Martin tonight? No, no.
Things that we that I talk about all the time.
The same worries, the same questions I ask of you.
So why are you going? To see if I can get any different answers.
Jim.
You must be weary of my This is quite grotesque.
Get it down you fast before the fat congeals.
- These people have this every day? - Yeah, if their luck's in.
And why not? Barbara, they wouldn't thank you for Lean Cuisine.
- And frankly, neither would I.
- I know that.
And I'm not being supercilious or condescending but it must be comfort food.
Nothing else in their lives to give them any so they throw this into themselves.
Maybe they like it, Barbara.
Barbara.
Can I have your sausage? Actually, you can have it all, Michael.
I think I'll watch rather than join in.
Oh, yeah.
Hey.
Here's an anthropologist talking.
Anyone want another breakfast? That was very interesting, Michael.
And it's er you know, helped you in your studies.
Your work.
Absolutely.
I've never had breakfast in a transport café before.
I suppose their lunch would be just the same.
- Except it wouldn't be lunch.
It'd be dinner.
- Who's asking you? He's right, Michael.
Lunch for one is dinner for another.
How about supper for two? I'm not sure what time I'll be back tonight.
Don't forget.
Leave a message.
Barbara, what do you want to go to a cemetery for? Rites and customs.
My dad is in there.
If the flowers are dead, throw 'em away.
All this anthropology, you know, it's easy.
I mean, it's only, like, watching people.
What are you looking at? Nothing.
- Where to now? - The town hall.
Have a quick shower and freshen up.
Sign a few papers, documents, install policies.
Know that they'll have little effect because I wish I wish I was a good man.
Right, the coach is here.
Off you pop.
Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Calm.
Calm.
Scab! Scab! Scab! Scab! Scab! Scab! Scab! Scab! Scab! See you tomorrow then, Jim, hey, boy? Party time.
Lots of guests, surprise and otherwise.
Trifle.
Jelly.
Hey, and guess what? We've got a present for you, Jim.
Always thinking about you, hey, boy? See you tomorrow then, Dave.
Martin.
Come on.
Aaaaarrgggh! I'm comin'! Don't go away! - Yes.
- Mrs Murray? Yes.
Would you like to come in and sit down? Don't you Wouldn't you like to see my credentials? - And find out why I'm here? - Not particularly.
I've got enough make-up, though I could be convinced otherwise.
- Actually - You're not from the newspaper? No, no.
I'm from Advice And Concern, Mrs Murray.
You'll be rushed off your feet in this city, then.
Come in for some tea.
That's very nice of you.
Advice And Concern.
Is that like Help The Aged? They've stopped coming to see me.
Sit down.
Say I didn't need any help.
Not here.
Well, it is a very pleasant new development.
Luxury apartment, so they say.
Though all this reminds me of an uncle I had in an isolation ward.
Now.
Tea or coffee? And do you want advice or do you give it? - Which do you prefer? - Tea.
- How about advice? - I can take it or leave it.
- Will you be coming back? - I'm sorry? - Will you be coming back? - I do beg your pardon, Mrs Murray.
- I was admiring your room.
- I asked if you'd be coming back at all.
This is just a preliminary visit, Mrs Murray.
Does that mean you will come back and see me? If you can let me know, I'll get some fresh milk in.
Condensed milk isn't everybody's cup of tea, although me and my son Michael won't have anything else.
Michael, did you say? Michael Murray? Not the Michael Murray, the leader of the council? He's your son? Yeah.
Yeah, that's him.
One of my sons.
Well, how extraordinary.
I'd really like to talk to him, Mrs Murray.
- Wouldn't we all.
- No, you see, actually we have met.
A long time ago.
Now, I wanted to tell you something.
What was it? - I don't know, I'm afraid.
But Michael and I - You've a nice voice on you.
Not from around here, are you? As I was about to say, Mrs Murray, I am from here.
Originally.
Here or hereabouts.
Could have fooled me.
Did you have an education, then? - Doesn't everyone? - Not here.
Or even hereabouts.
About Michael.
I wonder if you'd do me a favour, Mrs Murray.
If I gave you a little note for Michael, I'm sure he'd remember who I was.
We used to hang around together.
What did you say again? We used to hang around together.
with some ink and some lines on our faces That's really, really beautiful.
Tell me again.
For ours was a love that many have known, Seemed tall for its age and almost grown.
And now it's pinned here to this page, With some ink and some lines on our faces.
That's beautiful.
Just came to me last night.
Would you write it down and send it to me while you're away? Would you? It's not an epitaph, is it? - For us? - No, Beth, no.
Yes? Well I, erm was kind of hoping it was.
An epitaph.
Pardon, Beth? Love From Arthur Rainbow.
- The Adrian Henri poem.
- Oh, come on One day she met a poet who taught her all about life, He walked her down to the station, Then went home to his wife.
You know, it's bad form to quote one poet to another.
Time and the last train to the suburbs, Killed the love that would never die.
And he'll find another love, And she'll sit at home and cry.
And will she? Sit at home and cry? No.
She'll go to university.
- And have the time of her life.
- I sincerely hope so.
So do I.
I think you should go now, Beth.
It's easier for me that way.
Just get dressed, leave me here, go through that door and don't look back.
Please.
- What are you doing here? - I'm a private detective, sir.
Hired by your wife.
Harry Hawaii's the name.
I've reason to believe you've been cramming a student.
Again.
Sir.
No, really, what are you doing here? - Didn't I tell you last week? - No.
You just said you were stuck somewhere by the river.
Did I really not say I was coming over? No.
But it doesn't matter.
I was gonna call you anyway.
When does Diane get back from Honolulu? Tomorrow.
Trying to panic you into doing the packing? Resist at all costs.
So it's finished, then? The filming and all that? Well, the filming's finished.
Don't know about all that.
- Meaning? - Nothing.
That I know of.
Nothing that I've been told.
- Am I reading you right? - Depends which translation you've got.
Oh, hey, Martin.
You've no right to be jealous.
I don't want to talk about it.
Bet you don't.
It's the same every time Diane goes away.
Look, we married two of the most faithful women I've ever met.
And one of them married the most faithful man she'd ever met.
There is a reason for you being here, is there? Yeah, I brought this.
It's the route, Martin, for the woodlands holiday.
Yeah.
I'll look at it in a minute.
All right, then.
I don't want you to get angry with me.
Sat there he was, Geoff, grinning at me across his desk, one of those self-important little wooden signs on his desk - "Mr GJ Longbridge, Careers Master".
He looked down at my report, he looked up at me.
Finally he said, "You know, Murray, you should apply to St Kevin's.
"Seriously, you should.
Because all you're going to need to have to get in there "is a birth certificate, a set of rosary beads and a copy of the catechism, "which are all you are likely to 'ave when you leave here.
"Close the door behind you, would you, Murray?" - You? Trained to be a priest? - Yeah.
Until I saw the terror of my ways.
Some priest you'd have been.
You'd have had the confessional box all wired up.
I'd have made a good priest, me.
I like listening to people.
Some priest you'd have been.
You'd have had the confessional box all wired up.
Which is exactly what I did to Mr Longbridge, Careers Master.
It was my first assignment, you see, Geoff.
He was having it off with his young secretary at school.
- He was a married man, mind.
- Disgraceful.
I know, I know.
She was a real cracker, though.
He used to have her every Wednesday night in the careers room, so I wired it up for sound.
Ten and six a copy, I charged.
But Geoff, my crowning glory was when the head of French asked me for a copy.
It's the scenic route.
I can see that.
I just don't see why.
Well, I've a You see, it's er Ah, well.
Explains everything.
Say no more.
We'll talk.
While we're away.
I'll explain.
It's just I'm I'm too tired.
It's all right.
You know, problems that I don't want to That you Some that you know about, but you don't know all about.
That I don't want to talk about now.
You can, you know.
Talk.
You always have.
To me.
- And I've always talked to you for the past - 30 years.
If it makes you feel easier, talk.
Talk now.
Talk to me.
- I think I'm going mad, Martin.
- I know.
Do you? Or should that be, am I? As in, "Am I going mad? Don't you agree?" Or is it that you only know that I think I'm going mad but I'm not? Of course you're not.
I think I am.
The only time I feel normal now is when I'm pretending.
When I'm performing in front of the kids or acting tough outside the school gates with my fellow socialists.
When I'm me I'm mad.
When I'm with my family I'm quietly mad.
But we'll talk.
We will.
While we're away.
Talk now.
- Do you mind? - No sweat.
The words of a poet.
"No sweat.
" Very lyrical.
- Poetic, really.
Does it scan? - Naturally.
Wordsworth's favourite expression.
I knew that, actually.
What worries me is, you say I'm not going mad.
If I'm not going mad then I've no excuses for what I'm doing to Laura and the kids.
I mean, I want to do good in the world out there but the people I love are the people I live with.
And not living with not with them, not for them.
Daddy's gone missing, Martin.
I don't know where I am.
They don't know where to find me.
That's not fair.
And that's why I've come round here tonight.
I'm sorry but they think I've I give the impression of granite but But there's limestone in there somewhere.
Spoken like a poet.
Have you any answers for me? No, of course not.
None at all.
That's all right.
That's what friends are for.
And - And - What? - As for Hawaii - What? I wouldn't be at all surprised if Diane is having it off with someone.
- Don't you want to see what's in here? - No.
Go on! It's already been very useful to me.
No, thank you.
I want to look genuinely surprised when the police show me that room.
Hey, you can tell me what's on the tapes, though.
If you want.
It's the leader of the local Conservative Party with two young men and a donkey.
- Ah, go away.
- All right, all right.
I was lying about the two young men.
Oh dear, oh dear.
You do look lonely.
I'm an investigative journalist.
I'm supposed to be lonely.
Really? And here was me thinking you were an overpaid lackey - of the fascist right-wing press.
- Oh, I'm that as well.
I hear you've been asking questions.
- That's what I'm here for in my role as - Yeah, yeah.
I had enough of you sniffing about last year.
You were lucky you didn't take crutches back to London with you.
Just for asking questions? My, my.
Imagine what I'll get when I find some answers.
Listen Hey! I don't have to imagine! I think I'll just Well, well, is that the time? Do you er want one of these on the other side? Hey? Do you? Do you want a permanent lopsided grin? Nothing's going to happen to me.
We know too much about you already.
Then would you like to wake up alongside a beautiful blonde? Hey? Come on, you do.
Come on, you're very lonely, aren't you? Leave it out.
Half the time you want me dead, the other half you want me in bed.
What's the matter, hey? Can't you get it up? You got nothing downstairs? Is that what it is? I've received written testimonials, don't you worry.
Look, I don't need your room service or your whores.
You have the one you were gonna give me.
As long as you pay up.
- Michael! - Barbara.
That'll teach you.
- Barbara.
- Michael.
- What on earth was all that about? - He tried to proposition me.
- Really? - Yeah.
It happens all the time.
Gay men find me attractive for some reason.
Shall we have a cocktail before dinner? Barbara, it's as if I've always known you.
- It's extraordinary.
- It is.
I mean, I hardly know you.
Anything about you.
History takes time, Michael.
History is time.
Past.
- You'll find out about me as time - goes by.
You must remember this A kiss is still a kiss, a smile is still - Come on, dance with me.
- I can't.
I broke a girl's toe once.
- But did you break her heart? - Only if she kept it in her shoe.
- And how would sir like his steak? - On my plate.
Burnt to a crisp, no blood at all.
Certainly not as rare as that jacket.
Anyway, where was I? The childhood you didn't want to talk about.
That's ended one topic of conversation, hasn't it? But the most interesting, I'm sure.
The child being the father of the man.
If I want to know the man more and I do, I should know about the child.
- I never talk about it.
- But you think about it.
Endlessly.
Yeah.
Well, maybe one day I'll tell you about it, Barbara.
Then again, maybe I won't.
But if I do tell you about it, you'll be the first person I've ever told about what really happened.
I'll tell you this, Barbara.
Makes Hansel And Gretel seem like a fairy story.
Oh, aye But he'd already died.
- Your father did what? - He died before I was born.
It is possible, you know.
But that's what happened to me, Barbara.
It's the worst thing that ever happened to me and I wasn't even alive.
Changes your life before you're born.
Yeah, it's right.
That is amazing, you know, that you and I should It's certainly unlikely, Michael.
What did your father do? My father, he was He thought more of everyone else than he ever thought of himself.
And while I think about him all the time, I never even met him.
My dada.
You know.
Me dad.
So I've been told.
Michael Murray Senior.
The workman's friend.
"Yeah, sure.
I'll do that for you.
Don't worry.
I'll fight them on your behalf.
Leave it to me.
" This and that, on and on, more and more, till his tired heart could take no more.
My dada.
He was gonna change the world from the bottom of Pit Street and look where it got him.
A council flat and an early grave.
And then there's me mam and our Franky and me on the And that's that's something we must stress time and time again, that we know we're right, that what we're doing will be for the common good.
Eventually.
History tells us that, Peter.
It certainly does.
Anyway, good night, Mervyn.
Good night, Peter.
Good night, Mervyn.
Sleep well.
Yeah, good night indeed.
Good night, Luke.
Good night, Peter.
You get your head down, Mervyn.
Lots to be done tomorrow.
How do you stand it? I lie and think of England.
I want them placed carefully, Peter.
And if the situation isn't ideal, wait.
Tonight, tomorrow, the next night.
And do make sure that the poor unfortunate victims are found by their own kind first and not by the police.
- I'd gathered that.
- Good.
So long as your assorted collection of life's toerags are gathered to when the time comes.
They will.
I use short words and pint pots.
Sound as a pound.
Know what I mean, like? Peter's late.
Good.
I'm glad.
It means I'll be pissed when he starts talking politics.
Time! - Can't anyone think of another joke? - Yeah, I've got one.
Who's the most hated bloke on the football terraces at Borussia MÃnchengladbach? The one who shouts, "Give us a B!" Let's have your glasses! Let's see the bottom of them glasses! - Let's get moving! - His lager'll go flat.
No, it won't.
Oh, my God.
What was this, a quick one-two? We did not even get into the sheets! You know, Barbara, someone once said that a week in politics was a long time.
But when you're in a state of rapture it seems like no time at all.
Specially when it isn't actually a week.
- No, don't do that.
- Why not? I've never liked having me hair felt.
You know.
Don't know why.
You know how it is.
It's wonderful.
Five days.
Five beautiful days and yet no nights.
One night with you - Please! - Is all I been There's people in these rooms trying to make love.
Oh, Barbara.
Oh, please, please let me in.
Come on, no one will notice.
No one will ever know.
Not even you and I? That's a fine recommendation.
- Does that mean you're wavering? - No.
It means I'm waving.
And going to bed.
Alone.
Hey! Hey, you! Come here.
Good night, Michael.
Sweet dreams.
Barbara.
Barbara.
We had a vote whether it would be fair for you to have to drink flat lager.
After a democratic show of hands, we didn't think it was.
Hey.
Hey! - What? - Get out.
Now.
He's subtle, isn't he? Don't beat about the bush, bollocks.
Get to the point.
Now we get you.
Hello.
You do want to please me, don't you, Michael? Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
- Guilty.
Guilty.
- No, I'm not guilty.
No! No, not guilty! Guilty! Guilty! You look as though you've slept in that suit.
I have, which is why I keep clothes in the office.
The way I'm going, I could keep an entire wardrobe in the town hall.
Some women just don't know how lucky they are.
Three two one.
Welcome back.
- Thank you.
- And have a pleasant holiday.
Thank you again.
It will be your pleasure.
How are you getting there? - Don't ask.
- Too late.
I have already asked.
Do not try to trick me because I'm a foreigner.
With difficulty and opposition.
- Are you going away, Doctor? - Soon.
Soon.
I am planning a tour of British bridges to compensate for you.
And motorways too.
I shall go extremely fast.
You said you didn't drive.
No, but I intend to fly.
Oh, no.
Oh, please don't.
Ooh! Come here! Come quickly! Hurry! Murray.
And his problem.
Absolutely, Mr Nelson.
He usually has his treatment late afternoon.
Two minutes to.
They are ruthless in there.
Half an hour and no more.
- He'll be out soon.
- Out of where? Oh, I wouldn't spoil your fun.
This might be him now.
Hey! - Look, it's him! - All right.
Easy, boys.
Who's that? Oh, yeah, I know who it is! Well, my dear, sweet boy.
What a pleasant way to end a good meeting.
With a joke.
"BA Radcliffe.
Trichologist.
" If he ever winks at me again, I'll hit him.
I will.
I'll hit him.
- I'm sorry, I didn't intend - Of course, you retire today, Mr Weller.
I'm the one who should apologise.
Congratulations, anyway.
No, congratulations would be totally out of order.
Somewhat like the staff toilets.
Or even society at large.
I merely came to take my gown, which for some bizarre reason I arrived with when I was sent here.
And my books.
I want my books.
Do you know where my books are, sir? Yes, I put them away in case you for when you came back.
How Do you mind telling me how you got in? I'd like to know.
Tunnel? Parachute, perhaps? I've been here a long time.
Ever since I saw the caretaker put his feet up with a copy of one of those nasty papers.
I did intend to come and go before your fundamentalists arrived, but alas they arrived earlier than I expected.
Since then I have been ensconced in the toilets for the lady members of staff, which is why I know that it is out of order.
Thank you, Mr Nelson, but I was neither at the hot gates nor fought in the warm rain.
- It's TS Eliot.
- I knew it wasn't Wordsworth.
- Sorry.
- No sweat.
Come on, Mr Weller.
This is not the way to remember things or say goodbye.
- After 40-odd years.
- Odd indeed.
To come to this.
Oh, yes, I'll drink to that.
Cheers, everybody.
Good health.
Long life.
I'm so glad, I'm so very glad, that you could all attend.
Now, my dear friends, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and hide in the ladies.
- If there's anything I can do, Mr Weller.
- That's very kind, Mr Nelson.
You know where I live.
Don't hesitate.
It's never too late.
Oh, but it is.
It was beginning to be too late in the summer of 1955, Mr Nelson.
What was it, Mr Weller? What happened? You wouldn't say when you were last here.
But now it's all roses and a bus pass, you can tell me.
I can't! No! I'll get another visit, you see.
Oh, yes.
Even at this late stage in my life, if not my career.
Career! Oh, not so much a career as a headlong fall.
But yes, a visit, you see.
I've had a visit.
I didn't want one then and I don't want one now.
If TS Eliot were alive today, he'd have written a play about it.
Oh, yes, that great man would.
He'd have called it The Molotov Cocktail Party.
If you really want to know, Mr Nelson, he killed the school's hamsters 35 years ago today.
And then I beat him and then I saved him.
All in the same day.
And now if you'll excuse me, I have to tactically retreat to the ladies.
- It's been nice talking to you.
- Mr Weller You won't tell him that I've told you, will you? Please! Please don't tell him.
I beg you! It's a secret, you see.
Mr Weller! Life and death.
- To name but one.
- Hey, sir! Sir, we've got something for you, sir.
It's a present, sir.
More than one present, sir.
One each, sir.
Why are you sitting there? Are you cold? - Sir, it's time for our lesson, sir.
- Sir, you're late.
You're naughty.
Are you going to do some funny things, sir? - Like you did last year? - You'll like something I've got you.
Sir, my mum loves you, you know, sir.
And so do I.
Don't be silly, Johnson.
Whoa-ho! Please don't laugh! People call me crazy but I'm the great inventor, Nelsonovich.
Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes.
I'm going to show you something today that has never been done before.
I'm going to attempt to put myself into orbit, pushed only by a little bit of powder that will erupt and send me floating high into the air.
I want almost total silence.
Get a little flame.
Now then Prepare.
The moment has come.
Anything could happen.
I could whizz through the roof, I could go through the floor or the windows.
Just let's see what happens.
Oh! Oh! Mm-hm.
I think we have the slower acting agent.
Don't worry.
The explosion will happen.
I will be sent into orbit.
But maybe in two or three days.
It takes a little bit longer.
I'll rest here.
I'll keep quiet.
You tell me when anything happens.
Sir! Sir! I am having 40 winks! I am dreaming of my holiday.
Oh, the sand is very hot, you know.
The sand is burning my bum, I think.
Waaah! Ooh! Oo-oh! Thank you.
Thank you for my end-of-term presents.
But just thank you.
I won't forgive you I mean forget you! Please forgive me.
Who are you, anyway? Have we met? Yes! Mr Nelson, bus.
You've been a great help to me.
You've been very brave this last year.
So make sure you have a great summer holiday, right? Now buzz off.
Look after the kids.
Hope they get better.
Lads, you've got ten seconds, courtesy of the very nice policeman, ten seconds and 30 pieces of silver.
You fucking Judas! Judas Iscariot! - Judas! - Judas Iscariot! - Judas! - All right.
- Judas Iscariot! - You fucking Judas! Judas! Judas! Judas! Judas! Judas! Thank you, Ella.
Just a taste, Jim.
You know, a little starter.
For 30.
I hate jazz.
Do us a favour, Murray.
No, stay still.
- You're going bald.
- No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
I'm not.
It's only alopecia and it'll go away.
But going mad won't go away and you're going off your head.
You must be.
I've had to keep the boys off you, you know.
How much longer do you think I can do that? There's serious people who want to get you out there.
Seriously.
Just don't take the nut crackle.
I can get nasty if you take the nut crackle.
Have a truffle instead.
Pigs like truffles, don't they? Go on.
Have one.
Shall I twat him one? You've been on your own far too long, you have.
You and the doolally.
Gets to you in the long run, you know.
These are special kids.
Sick kids.
Takes one to teach one.
Tell you what, Jim, you're gonna need some time off.
You're going away, aren't you? Tomorrow.
Down south for a fortnight.
You'd be surprised what I know about you.
- Would I? - Having a lovely time.
Wish you were here.
Pity you can't be, though.
You know, here in the vicinity.
Because a week tonight there's a meeting.
Oh, yeah.
A special meeting all about you.
- I won't give them any of my chocolates.
- You'll make yourself sick.
None of this need happen, you know.
None of it.
What about the last nine months? I regret it.
I do.
Really.
Even though it was a matter of principle.
But here's a chance to forget the past and look forward to the future.
It's in your hands.
Now don't drop it.
Play your cards right and we can play a draw, me and you.
No one need lose.
It's only a game, for Christ's sake.
- A game? - Course it is.
Are you telling me there can be neither change nor hope? What do you mean? Life as a hockey match, the world seen as a cup final, values and issues as trophies and medals? Maybe it is.
Maybe it is that trivial.
Look, we should be on the same side.
We were on the same side once.
Here's your chance to forget the past and come back and play the game on our side.
Stop it! Please! No, sir! Stop it, please! Don't play games with my life.
Calm.
Calm.
Calm.
Come any closer, you'll need the fire brigade to put you out.
- You you - Me? Me? You you Your needle's stuck.
It's known as Fitzgerald's revenge.
- You You're dead! - Shh.
Tomorrow.
This is one sudden death that ends One fucking sudden One death game.
- One game that ends in sudden death? - That's it, yeah.
- You are dead.
- I thought that was it.
God, I'll kill him.
I'll kill him! I will.
I'll kill him.
I'll kill him! - Is it broken, Teddy? - Can't see from where I'm standing.
And I'm not coming any further.
This is women's territory.
You know, like the back kitchen and the laundrette.
- But there's no one in here.
- And it's staying that way.
- Hurry up.
I'm dying to go to the toilet.
- Well, use this one.
I'm not doing it in the woman's toilet.
Some things are sacred.
I've seen you use a wash basin, for Christ's sake.
Only in the gents.
Well, nothing's sacred to me.
- It's locked or something.
- It must be broken.
Let's go.
There's gotta be a proper toilet.
All right, all right.
I was willing to talk to him in there.
You know, you heard me.
Give him a chance.
But not now.
No, no, no.
The time the time for talking is gone.
And the time for the toilet is upon us.
- Well, that's a load off me mind.
- You keep your mind in a strange place.
Here we go, here we go, here we go Here we go, here we go, here we go Boss! Boss! Boss! - What happened? - Nothing.
- Is that blood? - No, it's red paint.
I had an art lesson but they wouldn't let me take me picture home.
- Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.
- Oh, is that a fact? When I want wisdom I'll go elsewhere, all right? - Just get to me mother's, all right? - All right, keep your hair on.
- What did you mean by that, hey, Franky? - I wouldn't know.
I'm not wise enough.
- What are they saying about me? - Who? - Everyone! - How would I know? Would anyone tell me? Just keep your eyes on the bloody road! I can't help having alopecia.
And that's what it is, hey? That's what they laugh at.
- Now you're trying to be funny.
- Who was? You was.
"Keep your hair on.
" Oh, very funny, that.
- You think you're smart.
- It's a figure of speech.
Very smart.
"A figure of speech.
" What next, onomato-fucking-poeia? - Listen, Mickey - Michael.
My name is Michael.
How many times do I have to tell you? - No need to be nasty, you know.
- Don't tell me what my needs are.
If I need anything, I'll tell you, you can go get it.
You can go for it, gopher.
That is enough.
Enough! - Listen - No, you listen to me, you little prick.
Don't you talk to me like that.
I've had it up to here with you.
Up to here with you.
With your sodding whipping boy job.
With your sodding antics, your sodding sex life, your sodding attitude, your sodding mouth, the way you treat your wife and your children, the way you treat everyone.
Above all, the way you treat my mother.
Your mother? Franky, I apologise.
Really, I didn't mean to be I think I've just had me nose broken.
You're very lucky you haven't had your head kicked in.
No, don't go! It's miles to me our mother's.
It's the other side of town.
How am I - You drive.
- Me? I can't do that.
- I'm the leader of the council! - Released! I am released! My brother is no longer my keeper! Don't hit me.
Don't hit me, Franky.
Give us your wallet and get out the sodding car, Mickey.
- Now! - What?! - I want me holiday pay.
I'm goin' on holiday.
- You'll have to go to the city treasurer.
You don't understand.
I'm goin' on holiday now.
Here.
Hey.
Franky! There's no need to take it personally.
I didn't want to be the older brother, you know.
It wasn't my idea.
Oh! Franky! Franky! Don't go! Don't go! Don't Don't Oh! Right, ladies and gentlemen.
Just I'll handle this.
- Are you OK? - Mm-hm.
I'm fine.
Go away.
- I thought you'd been run over.
- Nah.
- Or mugged.
- Nah.
Is there owt I can do? - Go away! - Pardon? Go away! Don't I know you from somewhere? Hang on! - Aren't you - No.
No, I'm not.
I'm not! Weren't you in one of them soap operas? Er might be.
Might be.
I thought as much.
EastEnders.
Am I right? You used to be Dirty Den! That's right.
Dirty Den.
Yeah, that's who I used to be.
- You got killed, Dirty Den.
- Yeah, I know I did.
But we're filming.
Yeah.
Right now.
Something new.
Right here.
And you're in the way.
- And your bus, as a matter of - You got shot.
And you died.
I remember that.
You were carrying daffodils.
You're going a bit bald.
I am not going Yeah, all right, all right.
Yes, I am.
Just a little bit.
Yeah, I know.
What are you doing here? I'm doing a film.
- What? - A film, yeah.
It's a remake of Casablanca.
Casablanca, yeah.
And er It's modern dress.
And a British version, you know.
And the Nazis are now the IRA.
Yeah.
- Yeah, why not? - Pardon? It's radical.
It's a radical script.
Yeah, and the IRA win.
But what are you doing here? A hit man was after me disguised as a chauffeur.
And we've just had this fight right here on the road.
Yeah.
And he's just beaten me up.
Where are the film cameras? They're hidden miles away.
It's a new advance.
And you'll have to go now because you'll be spoiling the thingy shot.
My God Almighty.
The things they get up to these days, eh? Please.
Please.
Go away.
Don't worry, the producer will give it back to me.
Just get on your bus and go.
And if you do it well, they might keep it in the film.
They'll keep it in.
Yeah.
And one day you'll see yourself on Sky Channel.
Now just get on your bus and go.
Now.
I'll do that very thing, Dirty Den.
- It's been very nice meeting you.
- Very nice.
Go.
Just Can I have your attention, ladies and gentlemen, please? I've just had the very good fortune of having a conversation with one of the leading soap actors Nobody likes me! Everybody hates me! I'm going into the garden to eat worms! I've found the hit man's clothes, Dirty Den! - Boss? - Teddy! - Open the back door! - What's happened? Never mind, just hurry up and open the back door! - Excuse me, Dirty.
- Get back on the bus! You're still in shot! But hey! You're not him! You're not Dirty Den! You're him! You're him off the council! Go! Go! Hey, you, you bastard! Council leader, me arse! My dustbins never get emptied! Come here! - Where's the car gone? - Hey? Oh, er I chased our Franky, that's all.
With the car? Yeah, it's all right.
It's all he deserved.
- The car? - No, getting chased.
It's a funny place to chase someone, though.
Any place is good enough when someone starts.
Anyway, does it matter? Well you can chase me with the car any time you want.
Yeah, I'll fix you up with a new job, Teddy - toilet attendant in the ladies.
You'll find out about our Franky soon enough.
No one gets away with nothing with me.
As that Jim Nelson's gonna find out.
Sure.
Sure.
Oh, er anything special you want now, boss? Yeah, you'd better drive me to my mother's.
Jack, do us a favour.
Put that on for us, will you? - Yes? - Mr Nelson? - 'Fraid so.
- This is Dr Jacob's receptionist here.
He's asked me to make an appointment with you for 5:45 this evening.
But why? I imagine because he wants to see you, Mr Nelson.
I haven't had any tests or anything, though, have I, lately? - I don't know.
But it's - Well, I haven't.
And I would remember.
And I feel fine.
Really.
Be that as it may, Mr Nelson, Dr Jacobs has asked me to make an appointment for you for 5:45.
- Can I take it that you will be there? - Well, I'm going on holiday.
Before 5:45? Well, no, tomorrow, but I've got to pack and have my tea and - Mr Nelson - I'm sorry.
I'll be there.
- Sorry.
- That's quite all right.
Laura? Mother, it's me! Michael! Mother.
Mother! Mother, wake up! Mother! Mo Mo Mother! Dear Michael.
Things are looking up.
Franky's taking me on a short holiday with Marge and the children.
Isn't it exciting? Please be nice to everyone when I'm away.
Someone very nice and helpful came to see me.
She has left a note for you.
It is inside your dad's old book.
She says she went to school with you.
Lots of love, Mum.
Dear Michael.
Remember me? How could you forget? And who would have thought that you would have become so famous? I have come back to visit my old haunts and those who haunted me.
You had so much fun with me all those years ago.
It would be nice if I had some fun with you now.
I'll be in touch again soon.
Promise.
Eileen Critchley.
What fun? Oh, God! Oh, Mother! Oh, Mother! No one understands, Mother.
No one else.
There is There is someone.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There is someone.
She'll understand.
The Royal Imperial Grand Hotel.
May I be of assistance? Yeah, yeah, get me, erm Put me through to Barbara Douglas's room.
Thank you, sir.
It's ringing for you now.
Please.
Just this once.
Please prove yourself.
- I regret to inform you - Keep trying.
Of course, sir.
It's typical.
Absolutely typical.
I don't ask much of you, do I? Do I? But you've always had it in for me, haven't you? - Why? What have I ever done? - I'm sorry, sir.
I regret to inform you - Answer me! - she's not answering her phone.
- Page her! Page her! - Thank you, sir.
What kind of an answer is that? I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to him.
Whatever bad I've done, it still isn't bad enough to treat me like this.
Lots of people have done worse, and some of them have done it to me.
I mean, here's one, for a start.
What made you send her along? And as for you, you, God, you had it in for me before I was even born.
What kind of wisdom and infinite mercy is that, eh? - Excuse me, sir - Hang on, I'm talking to No, I'm not talking Don't hang Have you got her? Unfortunately, Miss Douglas doesn't appear to be in the hotel at present.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, God's will.
By the way, Mr Murray, your wife's been trying to contact you.
See what I mean? "You had so much fun with me all those years ago.
" Who did? If me balls would've dropped at the time, she would have had them as well.
It is, you know.
It's very sweet.
Very Burt Reynolds.
Suits you.
I think you should keep it on.
I've been to Weller's house before.
I don't want him remembering me.
I don't think he'll turn up now.
Wherever he is.
- If I open the window, can I smoke? - No.
Come on, Weller.
Where the hell are you? The first thing to do is to stop talking to myself and I will stop talking to myself soon.
But before that, you've got to get things worked out, Michael.
Let's try and pretend that your mother's here and all will soon be well with the world.
Should you make a cup of tea? Yeah, good idea, Mother.
All right, all right, panic's over.
You've got to find her, Michael.
Find her before she finds you.
And how will you find her? That's numero uno.
Find her before she has her fun.
Fun! Who do I know who'll find her? I don't need you, God.
Or you, Mother.
- Yes? - It's Michael Murray, Philip.
Oh.
But why? I've got another little task for you.
It's nothing much.
I can't.
I'm tied up.
Oh, really? Like that night in room 69? Oh, come on.
Please! I want you to find someone for me, Philip.
Like I found someone for you.
Someone really special.
Now it's your chance to find someone for me.
You said that would be the end of it all.
Well, that was a lie.
And this is urgent.
Much as I'd like to help you, I'm afraid I think you should know at this point, Philip, that I erm I taped the event that night.
Do you remember that night with Sylvia after the television debate? I, um - I taped it.
- Daddy! Daddy! Aw.
Are those your children I can hear in the background? - Daddy! - I can't possibly do anything tonight.
Do you want this job or do you want your wife on the phone? That's an interesting decision I have to make.
Mm.
But obvious.
There are other factors, seeing that you want me to continue with this investigation.
I'm really enjoying this, Philip.
This is great.
Look, shall I pretend that my wife is listening as well? What it boils down to is whether you can book me overnight accommodation.
The distance I have to travel and the time I have to put in.
- Of course.
- At the hotel of my choice.
Agreed.
With Sylvia? It was with Sylvia, wasn't it? Yes, that's right.
And in that case, I can get over there in about an hour.
Oh, yeah, I bet you could.
But that relevant tape must come into my possession.
The important documentary evidence with this project.
- The programme won't go ahead without it.
- Agreed.
Incidentally, do you want the video as well? What? - 9236.
- Michael! Maureen! You absolutely stinking, uncaring, lousy Maureen, I was just talking about you.
You were going to be We were going to the pictures with the children.
I've come to my mother's You promised to take them this Friday when you failed to take them last Friday.
I've just come to my mother's It'll still give you plenty of time to - If you're within earshot of the children - Don't get sanctimonious with me.
Not when one of them has the nerve to ring me here at home.
A little madam by the name of Eileen Critchley.
Just try getting into the house tonight.
Just try! Maureen! Maureen! Oh, God! Eileen Critchley! Oh, God! Maureen! Maureen.
Maureen! Mother.
Mother! Look, boss, it's nearly quarter to six and we're all dying for a pint.
Get me someone to hit.
In here? Hit a pensioner? Just Just - So how's your mother? - Fine.
Fine.
Really fine.
Er it looks like rain, you know, boss.
I've got a headache.
You'd better get me to the hotel.
- Right.
I'll just say hello to your mum.
- No.
No, she's er I was only gonna say hello.
She's a fine woman, your mother.
Yeah, I know.
Like I said, she's fine.
Really fine.
- But she's asleep.
- Oh.
- Fast asleep.
- Ah.
Hit the gin a bit too much earlier this afternoon.
I didn't know she was a drinker.
Only when there's an R in the month.
But there's no R in July.
Me mother can't spell.
- Take a seat, please.
- Certainly.
- There must be something wrong.
- Yes? The waiting room.
There's no one else in here.
- It's empty.
- Dr Jacobs is only seeing you.
And before you ask me again, I have no idea why.
Please take a seat.
Is it contagious? Very? - Mr Nelson - Take a seat.
Right.
Mr Nelson.
My, what a deep voice you have, Granny.
Mr Nelson, I'll see you now.
No hurry.
None at all.
Oh, look.
Reader's Digest.
Cosmopolitan.
Sit there.
There? You sit there, you're the doctor.
I'm all for formality in certain situations - Shut up, Mr Nelson.
- Right.
I'm very ill, aren't I? I thought as much.
My previous X-rays got mixed up with someone else's.
That's it, isn't it? The bloke they gave three months two years ago is still running marathons For heaven's sake, shut up and sit down there.
What are you doing, Doctor? I've been thinking about you all afternoon, Mr Nelson.
I've not been able to take my mind off you, in fact.
I should say that when I was 11 years old a science teacher at my school tried to seduce me when I had taken a meal up to his room.
Did I say something funny, Doctor? You're so prim.
You're so very prim.
It was awful, Doctor.
I turned around, he had a Crunchie in one hand and his penis in the other.
The door was locked.
You have no idea how scared and surprised I was.
He had a wife and children.
He took the rugby team.
He was a man.
I only escaped after I threw the cheese flan at him.
And the plate.
No, please don't take your shirt off.
This is terrible.
I had no idea.
I'm sure all of us are, to a lesser or greater degree, in some way homosexual.
But since that time in the science room I'm afraid, Dr Jacobs, I'm frigid with men.
It's nothing to snigger about.
Equally I've never been able to eat a cheese flan or a Crunchie ever since.
- Are you drunk, Doctor? - Totally.
I've had two fucking bottles.
Totally! Do you want me to get help? No, no, no, no.
You sit down there.
For the time being.
I've got some good news for you.
- It isn't you.
- It isn't me, what? It's not you but me.
I understand that, Doctor, and there's no shame attached as far as I'm concerned.
These are difficult enough times for you and I do understand even though I could never join in.
So I will er leave you now.
Or I will once I can walk.
And we will never talk about it again.
That's a good doctor.
You lie down and I'll, er Come here, Mr Nelson.
Here.
Calm.
Calm.
Calm.
Your body is quite safe with me, Mr Nelson.
It's my body that's not safe with me.
Yes, I know what you're trying to say, Doctor.
Come here.
- Do I really have to? - Yeah.
I have a pair of underpants just like those.
Paisley pattern.
- My eldest daughter bought them for me.
- You are an arsehole, Mr Nelson.
I'm not quite Not the word that springs to my mind.
Whenever you get angry, your Scottish accent becomes more distinct.
Come closer.
I can't.
Calm.
Calm.
Calm.
- Bend over.
- There you are.
Glaswegian, Doctor.
- Did you hear it? - Bend over and examine me.
- With my hands? - Indeed.
Can't I just use my eyes? I have very good eyesight.
There.
Do you feel that, Mr Nelson? It's a lump, Doctor.
A small lump.
Good.
That's very good.
Do you know what that means, Mr Nelson? It means that, almost conclusively, I am dying.
Me.
Not you.
But me.
I'm a doctor.
I know about such matters.
And unfortunately I understand the process.
And the pain that I shall have to go through.
I'm very sorry, Doctor.
Fine.
Well, now I shall get dressed and you will go away before I contemplate the perfect murder and prescribe you poison.
Here he comes.
Now, Mr Weller, we'll try again.