Game On! A Comedy Crossover Event (2020) s01e03 Episode Script

1
[panting] Ah! Tío Victor,
I need your most caffeinated coffee.
The weak stuff at home
barely makes me sweat anymore.
More coffee, Ash? You're shaking.
No, you're shaking.
No, I'm not.
Okay, I am,
but only because the Olympics are on,
and I haven't slept in three days.
Oh, there's so much to see.
Tokyo's 16 hours ahead.
If I sleep, I miss badminton.
And how could you live with yourself?
-[exhales]
-Ash, you need to sleep.
[chuckles] If you were a real sports fan,
you'd understand.
Got me there.
Are you reading?
-What, are you out of podcasts?
-No.
Yes. I've learned about every murder ever.
It's an article in Eater.
Our rival football-theme coffee shop,
Brew 42,
just won Best Breakfast Burrito
in Pasadena.
Brew 42, the place run
by the ex-Dallas Cowboys cheerleader
you liked?
No. No, no, no, no, no. Uh-uh.
I never liked her.
Gia Cabrera always liked me,
but I never thought
she was the most beautiful woman
in the whole wide world.
That's the most attractive person
I've ever seen.
No wonder you never liked her.
Read the article.
"With seven different
delicious types of meat,
Brew 42's 'Seven Meatly Sins Burrito'
is pure heaven."
I invented seven meats.
That's my "We Baked a Zoo Burrito."
But, tío, you also said
you invented finger guns.
I invented these finger guns. Pew-pew!
[blows]
You'll see. We're gonna do a taste test.
Tad went undercover
to get me one of Gia's burritos.
Got the stuff. Hey, Ash.
It's me, Tad.
-I know.
-I knew I should have worn that mustache.
[chuckles]
Gimme the goods.
Same height.
Same width.
Same squeezability.
Tad, shuffle them.
[quietly] Okay.
[inhales sharply] Okay.
Mm. Mm!
[chewing] Delicious.
This one's mine.
[sighs]
Mm. This one's mine, too.
She stole my burrito!
She's evil.
Tío, it is just a burrito.
Just a burrito?
Ash, this burrito has been passed down
from generation to generation,
all the way back
to bisabuelo Buenaventura!
So, you're saying
this burrito is our heritage?
Yes, now you get it. But don't worry,
Gia's not gonna get away with this.
I have a plan.
Well, I'm all in, Coach.
Pew-pew! [blows]
See? He knows who invented that.
[theme music playing]
I know why Gia stole the burrito.
She's trying to get my attention
-because she always liked me.
-[scoffs] That's ridiculous, man.
I know. It's my family's recipe.
No, it's ridiculous
that you'd think she'd like you.
Cheerleaders and football players
weren't allowed to date.
And for the record, she always liked me.
Then, how come she was always looking
at me?
Because you were always on the sidelines
while I was actually playing.
Garcia!
-What the hell is this?
-Gia.
Hmm. Oh!
It appears to be
a cease and desist letter,
telling you to stop selling my burrito.
Hmm. Oh, well.
I guess you better stop selling
my burrito.
From the Law Offices of Hobbs & Shaw?
They're a very respected
and real law firm.
I don't know why you're trying to steal
my burrito.
Um, maybe it's
some weird way of you acting out
on that schoolboy crush
you still have on me?
What? Nuh-uh!
You stole my burrito. Just admit it.
Nico, can't you calm your partner down?
Hotheaded Victor.
Come on, we all used to get along.
Remember that charity dinner?
The photo booth? [chuckles]
Yeah.
-That was great.
-[both chuckle]
-Great lighting.
-[Gia] Mm.
[chuckling] Fun props.
Why are we even fighting? [laughs]
Whose side are you on?
-Uh
-Nico, you look amazing.
What's your workout regimen?
[chuckles]
Just-- I [chuckles nervously]
Yeah, I'm married!
Uh, I-I gotta go.
Sorry, man, but you're on your own.
Uh, whatever you do,
don't look at those eyes.
Gia.
[takes a deep breath]
We both know Pasadena isn't big enough
for two meat-centric breakfast burritos
sold by football-themed coffee shops.
We need to settle this.
No, you're right. You're right.
One of us is gonna have to give up
the recipe.
-Not it!
-Not it! No tag-backs! It's mine!
-Not it!
-[Victor] Oh!
-It's mine!
-It's mine!
-[Gia and Victor shouting]
-[whistles] Hey!
Shouting is not the way to settle
who gets to keep selling the burrito.
When countries don't get along,
you know how they settle things?
War!
No. With friendly Olympic competitions,
which is what you two can do
to settle this.
Ash, this obsession with the Olympics
is getting out of hand.
I think it's a great idea.
I do too.
I thought it was a great idea first.
Oh, it's on.
Oh, it's so on.
Tomorrow, Pat's and Brew 42
will be competing
in the first-ever Coffeehouse Games. 
Today, I will be choosing my team
and who will play in each competition.
Best of three events.
C-O-R-N, the cornhole bag-tossing game
with the rules of H-O-R-S-E.
Paper football,
a tabletop game
with a small paper football.
And mind reader,
which is like that Heads Up! game
Ellen DeGeneres invented
but a knock-off version, so she won't sue.
[Ashley] Mm-hmm.
I love her, but she is very litigious.
I still don't get
why there's all this fuss
over a seven-meat burrito.
Can't you just, like, add a meat?
It's about more than meats, Brooke.
It's about family pride.
Plus, anything after mutton
kinda gets you on PETA's radar.
So,
can I count on you guys
to play for Team Pat's
against my enemy Gia
and her band of burrito thieves?
-You got it.
-I'm in.
I'd love to help you, tío,
but you're saying words
like "enemy" and "evil" a lot,
and that's just not the Olympic spirit.
Look, we're hosting.
We need to be gracious and welcoming
and friendly.
Maybe you're right.
[cell phone chimes]
[sighs]
It's from Gia.
[Tad gasps]
That's when Coach missed that field goal.
"My face when I realize
I need to find a new career"?
This means war!
Whoa, Ash, I thought you were
all about friendly competition.
I was a child!
My eyes are open now.
This is for our family's honor.
We're gonna wear their teeth
as charm bracelets.
That's the spirit, Ash. Welcome aboard.
All right. Now, for our assignments.
I will play C-O-R-N.
The girls will play mind reader.
Ah, perf. I used to play that
with my camp friends
when we'd lie about having cramps
to avoid going outside.
And I used to play every Friday night
with my friends at MIT. [chuckles]
There ain't no party like an MIT party ♪
'Cause an MIT party has ♪
written instructions.
All right.
Tad, of course, will play paper football.
It's an honor
to be representing my coffeehouse.
Stick will be cheerleader.
All right, and break.
-[group claps] Break.
-Whoa, whoa!
No breaks. No break.
[sighs] So, you all just assume
Tad's good at everything?
[both] Yes.
Well, I wanna compete too.
I'm actually very good at paper football.
-I guess we could do a qualifying round.
-[Stick] Yes! Qualifying round.
I just so happen to be gifted
at any sport that involves finesse
and slight wrist movement.
Like my mom always says,
"Soft sports
for a soft boy."
Enough talk. Let's rumble.
All right. You get four downs
to push the paper football
over the edge for a touchdown.
If it falls off, you turn the ball over.
And to kick, you flick the football
through your opponent's goalpost.
Who are you talking to?
We both know how to play.
Tad, don't let me down.
Do I ever?
Except that time?
I believe it's moi's turn.
You wear a glove?
Not just any glove.
Fingerless. Soaks up my palm sweat.
Leaves my fingers
just the right amount of moist.
["Get Ready for This" playing]
Touchdown.
Y'all ready for this? ♪
[blows]
We got a ringer!
Tad, you're out.
So, does this mean I'm cheerleader?
Yes!
[stomps and claps rhythmically]
This was meant to be.
At first,
I thought men's Olympic racewalking
was going to be boring,
-but their hip movement is just adorable.
-[giggles]
I bet I could do that.
No. [clears throat]
It's more like this.
What are you doing?
Racewalking.
When you watch it,
you can't help but do it.
That's ridiculous.
Come on, you girls are supposed
to be practicing mind reader.
I'm counting on you.
Tío Victor, we can basically
read each other's minds already.
Brooke, what am I thinking right now?
You wanna watch more racewalking.
Exactly!
See, tío?
Yeah. Okay.
Can you read my mind?
You'll be annoyed
if we don't win mind reader
against Gia's team.
[scoffs] Lucky guess.
Don't get cocky.
Uh, hey, guys. What's with the torch?
It's for the opening ceremony
of the Coffeehouse Games.
You guys didn't need
to go to all that trouble.
It's the spirit of the games, tío.
-Oh, Stick, need some help?
-I got it.
-You sure?
-Yeah, I got it.
[Tad] That's why you're not allowed
to light Hanukkah candles.
This is a disaster.
On the bright side, you got it lit,
and you still have both your eyebrows.
Tío, this is all my fault.
My Olympic fever burned too hot,
and now, the whole place
smells like fried skin. [sighs]
Don't worry. I can still compete.
I'm no quitter.
Ow.
Ow! I quit, I quit.
You have to play.
I need someone to cheer for.
I-I can't be doing this for no one.
[claps rhythmically]
Pop it! Pop-pop-pop-pop it!
Uh, maybe it's a good thing
that you don't do that for anyone.
Tad, you're gonna play paper football.
Stick, you have to train him.
FYI, I learn best with a reward system.
Stickers, tacos, stickers.
[clicks tongue] Mainly stickers.
Okay, the rules are just like H-O-R-S-E.
If you sink the bag,
the other player has to match it.
If they don't, they get a letter.
And you lose
when your letters spell "corn."
K-O-R-N.
No, there's a c.
K-O-R-N-C.
All right. Good job.
Quality uniforms.
What dumpster did you fish those out of?
Oh, yeah? Like your uniforms are so great.
Oh, my God, that's soft.
Oh, oh. These aren't our uniforms.
Does he look familiar?
[Victor] My blocked-kick face.
But like Michelle Obama said,
"When they go low,
we go high."
[crowd gasps and cheers]
-Let's see if you can match that.
-["That New Thing" playing]
I’m on that new thing, new thing, new ♪
-I’m on that new thing ♪
-Oh.
-New thing, new ♪
-[Gia] Ah.
-I’m on that new thing, new thing ♪
-[crowd gasps]
Gimme some of that ♪
-Ha! [laughs]
-[crowd cheers]
I’m on that new thing ♪
-New thing, new ♪
-[crowd whoops]
I’m on that new thing ♪
New thing, new ♪
-I’m on that new thing ♪
-[groans]
New thing, new ♪
I’m on that new thing, new thing ♪
-Gimme some of that ♪
-[crowd] Ooh!
-[sighs]
-Whoo-hoo!
-New thing, gimme some of that ♪
-[crowd groans]
-[laughs]
-Gimme that new thing ♪
And now, for the one
I am sure Victor should be able to make:
the kick shot.
-[crowd] Ooh!
-[Gia chuckles]
-[crowd cheers]
-[Gia laughing]
It's just like that famous field goal
you made.
You made that, right?
[crowd chatting indistinctly]
[dramatic orchestral music playing]
[heart thumping]
[bean bag whooshes]
[orchestral music swells]
[crowd groans]
-[Gia] Yeah!
-[crowd cheering]
Corn!
Oh! Oh! It's the same face!
[laughing] It's the same face!
He made the face.
How is painting my toenails
gonna help me win paper football?
It's training you to have finesse.
Now, soft, delicate strokes.
What are you doing?
Saving time.
Let's recap your progress.
You failed the egg toss.
Your crochet is a nightmare.
-I made that chair.
-You did not crochet the chair!
And your pedicure [chuckles]
Oh, Tad.
I know.
These muscles are a curse.
I wasn't born to be dainty.
But it's not over yet.
If you can shave
this balloon
with this razor blade--
Did I do it?
[smacks lips]
There is no hope. You'll never be me.
I think I have an idea.
Well, what is it?
All right, it's time for mind reader.
Why don't you spin the wheel to see
which edition your team's gonna play?
Wait, there are multiple editions?
I only played the science one at MIT.
You think you might have known this
if you had practiced?
Pop culture.
That's the one I played at camp.
[Victor] Okay. Guesser puts a card
on their forehead,
and the clue giver has one minute
to get them to guess
as many pop-culture terms as possible.
I don't know pop culture.
-Don't worry. I have an idea.
-[Ashley] Mm.
All right, no gestures, letters,
rhyming, sound effects, or root words.
Well, that's, uh
muy bien with us.
And no saying words in Spanish.
[sighs] Dios mío.
And time!
-Yeah! Yes!
-[crowd cheers]
Twelve in 60 seconds!
Whoo! Beat that.
No pressure,
but if you lose,
we lose our heritage forever.
[stopwatch beeps]
We got this.
Okay. And timer starts now.
I don't know what that is.
Maybe when you put pictures online,
but you do it mm, alone?
[imitates buzzer] No rhyming!
[crowd murmurs]
Okay, I know this.
It's when you die.
It means something else, too.
So I've heard.
[imitates buzzer] Interference.
Okay, okay. Uh, uh [chuckles]
[shudders]
[imitates buzzer] No gestures, no sounds,
and no whatever that was.
Come on, Ash! We're counting on you!
I'm sorry, tío. I let you down.
I'm terrible at this.
-[Gia sighs] Uh
-Uh
she has cramps! Time-out!
-Ah! No. No time-outs!
-[stopwatch beeps]
You forfeit the round!
-[crowd cheers]
-[Gia] Whoo-hoo! Yes!
We need to win paper football
if we're gonna have any chance.
How's it going with Tad?
He came up with
a really unconventional strategy.
Well, what is it?
Hello, ladies.
Uh, why is Tad dressed
like he's in some cheesy '80s movie?
Oh!
[chuckling] He's dressed like you, Stick.
Tad realized the only way
he could truly be me was to be me.
An egg,
tossed
yet unbroken.
A pot holder
knit for a king.
And my toenails
pedicured to perfection.
None of that means anything to me.
Tad, show him.
It stayed on.
We have a new soft boy.
Hey, you.
Look, I know it's hard,
and you're a little uncomfortable,
but we can get through this together.
[toilet flushes]
Hi.
Ash, please tell me this one is you.
[Ashley] I can't go out there, Brooke.
This whole Coffeehouse Games thing
was my idea,
and now, I'm gonna be the reason
my uncle loses our family recipe.
It could go better than you think.
Remember in second grade
how nervous you were to ride a bike?
[Ashley] I broke my arm.
Yes, but you thought you were gonna die.
And I did like
the attention of having a cast.
[both chuckle]
You know what?
You're right.
So what if I make us lose?
It's better than not trying.
That's the Olympic spirit.
Yes. Let's racewalk out of here
with our heads held high!
Are you ready, Tad?
Who? You're talking to Stick,
Tad's best friend,
who I'd never get mad at
for eating all my groceries
when he came over to my house
to borrow these clothes.
You forgot one thing.
The glove.
[imitating Stick] So sweaty.
We like this.
-I don't say that.
-Shut up, Tad.
I'm not you. This isn't Freaky Friday.
Game on.
[tense rock music playing]
[crowd groans]
[crowd cheers]
[crowd cheers]
[crowd whoops]
-[blows]
-[boy] Yes!
[crowd cheers]
Six seconds left.
You need this field goal to tie.
[crowd murmuring nervously]
-[crowd cheers]
-Yes!
Yeah, no one saw that.
-Pass.
-You can do this, girls.
[Ashley] Pass. Super pass.
I'm sorry.
It's not your fault.
These games are clearly cursed.
I mean, Stick burned his hand
on a ceremonial torch.
Wait, Brooke,
what did he burn his hand trying to do?
Uh trying to light it.
Past tense. Past tense!
Lighted?
Lit.
Ah, i-it's lit!
-Yes! [exclaims]
-[crowd gasps]
Ah, ah! This is the math I was failing
in first grade
until you figured out I needed glasses.
-Basic!
-Yes! [giggles]
-Wow, they really are mind readers.
-Yeah, dumb luck.
Okay, it's been ten minutes.
The superglue should have dried.
You can let go.
You can let go.
Don't tell me you guys
glued yourselves to the table.
[both] We didn't glue ourselves
to the table.
[both] Hey!
[both] We said the same thing!
[both] Wanna see my moped?
[both] Do I?
[both] Does it have a Hemi?
[both] No.
[both] What's a Hemi?
-You just need three to win.
-Uh
After we stayed up all night
watching dressage,
-I did this very late.
-Woke!
[Ashley and crowd cheer]
Oh! When we were practicing racewalking,
our leg muscles would do this.
[chuckles] Weird flex!
-[crowd cheers]
-[girl] Nice!
Oh When Gia sent over that hateful meme
to mess with tío Victor,
she started the caption with this.
Uh, my face when!
-Yes!
-[Ashley and Brooke squeal]
[Victor laughing]
Whoo! Ha-ha-ha!
-Ah! My face when the score is one-to-one.
-[Ashley chuckles]
Whoo!
The Coffeehouse Games are currently tied,
but since
our regulation paper football table
has been destroyed
[both] He did it.
And since our players
have been disqualified,
Gia and I will be competing
in a new competition as tiebreaker.
-I'll pick.
-I'll pick.
I'll pick.
[both] She'll pick.
-Pick an event out of this helmet.
-Randomly, please.
[Gia] Hmm.
All right,
the tie-breaking event will be
a staring contest.
-[girl] Yes!
-[crowd cheers]
You're goin' down, Garcia.
Hey! Victor.
Cocoa, Moz. What are you doing here?
Oh, you told us to stop by
your coffee shop if we were ever in LA.
Or were you just saying that to be nice?
Should we go?
Uh
[stammers] No-- no.
W-What brings you to town?
Oh, the Ex-NFL Players Convention.
This is not the first I'm hearing of it.
-Then, why weren't you there?
-I couldn't get off work.
Don't you own the place?
I'm a tough boss.
Hey, Moz!
-Oh, good to see you.
-You too.
Cocoa, good thing you guys are here.
We need judges for the staring contest.
To decide who wins the Coffeehouse Games
to see who gets full custody
of a seven-meat breakfast burrito.
Tale as old as time.
-Nico told us. We're in.
-Oh, great. All right.
Cocoa, you watch Victor.
-Moz, you watch me.
-Oh.
-You got it.
-Yeah, sure. Mm-hmm.
This won't take long.
Nothing could take my eye
off this victory.
[Gia] Hm.
-[crowd gasps]
-How the? Wow.
[boy] Ow-ow!
Nothing.
Uh-uh. Switch.
-I'm definitely watchin' her.
-[Moz] Mm-hmm.
I love you very much.
You mean everything to me.
Okay. Whoever blinks
-or looks away first loses.
-[Gia] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
And stare!
Garcia, you might as well forfeit
and check me out like you want to
'cause you're not gonna beat me.
I can do this all day.
Ashley, my corneas are on fire.
Yawn. It's scientifically proven
to induce tears.
[inhales deeply]
Okay. Two can play at that game.
[yawning loudly]
I need more tears.
Think of things that will make you cry.
When Bambi's mom died,
when Simba's dad died,
when the old guy from Up's wife died.
When Old Yeller died.
When Marley from Marley and Me died.
[voice breaking] Have you no pity?
I'm gettin' stronger, Gia.
I'm just hittin' my stride.
How long is this gonna take? [chuckles]
I only put 45 minutes on my meter.
[clicks tongue] You know what, Victor?
I don't want you to blink,
'cause I don't want this moment to end.
I've always been attracted to you.
It is a trap. Don't fall for it.
[Gia] Come on, Victor.
It's you.
It's always been you.
[Ashley whispers] No.
-[mouthing]
-[Gia] Ha!
-[crowd cheers]
-You closed your eyes! I win!
Brew 42. Hut, hut, hike!
[exclaims] Hoo-hoo! 
-[blows] Ha!
-[crowd cheering]
She stole my finger guns, too?
Is this, like, a normal day for you guys?
Hey, you know what, Victor?
The rumors were true.
I did have a crush
on someone in the league.
It was Moz.
-Say what now?
-That's it. We outta here.
How dare you weaponize your femininity
to trick my tío like that?
You don't find him attractive whatsoever.
Ash, she's evil, but she's not blind.
Well, if I'm being honest,
maybe Moz wasn't the only player
I had a crush on.
And maybe
I did always like the most beautiful woman
in the whole wide world.
-[chuckles softly]
-And now
there are no rules
keepin' us apart anymore.
[sighs happily]
Whoa, whoa, whoa. None of this.
I need to know why you stole a recipe
that was passed down to my tío
from his great-grandfather.
Well, no. My recipe was passed on to me
by my great-grandmother.
[Victor] Wait a second.
Wait, does this mean
They had the same fight as us.
No, it means we're related.
-Ew.
-Gross.
Cool. [chuckles]
I mean, gross.
You know what?
You-- you can keep the burrito
[quietly] as long
as you don't tell anyone about this.
Yeah.
So lovely meeting you all.
It's been so great.
[dialing, line ringing]
Hey, Nico. So, I cleared up that rumor.
Oh, yeah?
Who'd Gia have a crush on?
Well, turns out she had a crush on
Moz and not you. Ha!
Moz?
Gia and I actually have a lot in common.
Mostly genetic material.
[theme music playing]