Gap Year (2017) s01e03 Episode Script

1 I arrange luxury vacations for the 1% to see Asia.
Mum, yeah, I'm safe.
There is a girl I kind of like in Hangzhou.
Fake money for a fake family.
Look at my mom's itinerary.
Do you see any blank spaces? I'm off to Vietnam.
If you want to join Nope, not dealing with that right now.
Oh, God, I love Nam.
It just oozes history, you know? I think I can still smell the napalm.
Yeah, that would be your aftershave, mate.
We could go to the underground tunnels, we could borrow a bazooka.
Not at same time, obvs.
We can basically experience the war with none of the downsides.
Downsides.
Do you mean death? - Yes, May.
- No, thank you.
We're going to be too busy doing relief work for that shit.
What? Really? - Yeah.
- What? Why? Because we want to connect with people.
Yeah, and I don't want the college to think that I've just come to Asia to fire assault weapons, you know? Oh, so that's why you're doing it, sex up your resume.
Oh, no, no, I'm not interested.
- Are you sure? - No, I'm sure, yes.
Very flattered.
- Have a good day.
Would your mum be cool with that? I turned my phone off.
Look, this is my trip.
I refuse to let her itinerary dictate my every movement.
In fact, I am going to tear it up.
Yeah, go, May.
I would if it wasn't laminated.
Oh, oh, oh, interesting fact number 75.
Oi, Ash.
Ash! A Vietnamese banknote cannot be ripped in half.
- Really? - Go on, then.
- No.
- That shouldn't happen.
How are you going to pay for the prossies now? What do you mean? What? Hey, I'm in love My fingers keep on clicking to the beating of my heart Hey, it's cos of you The world is in a crazy, hazy hue My heart is beating like a jungle drum Bu-da-dunk-ka-dunk-ka-dunk My heart is beating like a jungle drum Raka-ruk-ka-da-dunk ra-ruka-dunk-dunk.
Yes, OK, I might have treated Daisy to a Cafe Rouge, followed by Les Miserables every Christmas, but that is the closest I have come to paying for sex.
OK, I'm sorry.
It was just a joke.
And there are more women in the world than Daisy, Greg.
Yes, I know that, Dylan.
And I want to meet them.
Some of them.
Well, one of them.
And I'm more than ready to do that.
Thank you.
This is the 100,000 and 200,000 taped together.
Shall we call it a 150? No.
-- What are we looking for here? Something with kids, ideally.
I'm planning on doing child advocacy or family law after I graduate.
Really? Helen said that you wanted to do commercial Law.
No, you see, my mum wants me to do commercial law.
I am making the decisions now, you know? She cannot stop me.
Oh, no I'm sorry that's my This is you, Mr Sam Bevin from exclusiveasia.
com? No, that's not me.
Thanks.
You should say yes in future.
- Why? - If they think we work in tourism, they will give us a load of freebies and shit.
Yeah, right.
Hi, I need to check out, too.
Oh, my God, May.
I have it.
Rainbow International Orphanage, two-week volunteer programme, remote rural setting, yada, yada, yada Abandoned children up to 15, pick-up service from local town.
Oh, my God.
This is perfect.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
The card declined.
Maybe your mum can stop you.
You need to turn your phone back on, May, and talk to your mom.
Oh, God, no.
No way.
We can't really afford to travel without her money, so you know, we need her.
Yeah, but not right now.
We're volunteering.
Exactly, so we deserve it, that's what you need to tell her, May.
Every dollar for us is a dollar for the needy.
It's bollocks, isn't it? Foreign aid, intervention, charity, it just makes things worse.
I'm sorry, what bollocks? So, if you two are on hand to baby-sit random Vietnamese kids, then you're basically inviting their parents to abandon them.
Oh, and you've studied all the economic data on this, have you, Dylan? Or are you just bullshitting as per usual? Yeah, it's probably that one.
I'm making an abstract point on the cycle of dependency.
- Ow.
- Philosophy's not like plumbing, Sean.
It's about exploring concepts, not knowing facts.
OK, well that's lucky then.
Hang on, so you're a plumber are you, Sean? Yeah, well for now.
But I plan on using that to branch out to other things like - Super Mario? - Well, I was going to say electrics.
Well, I'm impressed.
It's actually useful.
Let's find our pick-up.
Down here.
The orphanage could be really interesting though.
- And cheap.
- Yeah, I don't even like English kids though, let alone foreign ones.
As a writer I should be detached, observe from a distance.
You want to observe kids from a distance? - That's pervy.
- No I mean.
No.
- It is.
I need a bit of peace, OK, and I cannot get that with Ashley.
She's just doing my head in at the moment.
So, stay away from her then.
Stop winding each other up.
Hi, are you looking for me? Oh, no, I'm not interested.
- Not interested? - I mean I know a lot of Western guys come here for that kind of thing, but I'm not a sex tourist.
Are you not one of my volunteers for the Rainbow International? - Yes, I am.
I'm so sorry.
- You think I'm a prostitute? No, no, no, No, I didn't, no.
It's just I've come back from Ho Chi Minh City and you are obviously, erm Qualified.
Not qualified You're You're You're attractive, so I'm very sorry.
Girls, hey, I found our pick-up.
Hey.
Do you speak English? Yeah, we're from London and they're OK, I don't need your life story.
So, welcome to the Rainbow International Orphanage.
My name is Todd, I'm the project manager.
Please delete that photo.
I'm serious, delete it.
Thank you.
So, we've got a lot of kids here.
A lot of infection, anybody have any experience with childcare? Oh, I had a nanny until I was 15.
Have you ever cared for children? Oh, I see, you mean No.
OK, what about medical experience? Yes, old-timer, what've you got? Just I worked as a hospital porter in my 20s if that's any use.
Tammy, do you need anybody in the clinic? Sure.
All right.
Come on in.
Yeah, pushing the trolleys about.
They're not going to push themselves.
A lot of these children were abandoned as babies.
Great.
I mean, awful.
Those two pink orphans don't look very Vietnamese.
Funny.
That's Arnold and Albert from Vienna, two of our best male nannies.
- Mannies.
- Mannies.
This is the basement.
Please keep it clean, we're trying to maintain our 5-star rating.
- Ay-a! - Sorry, you had a mosquito.
Oh, no, no, slap away.
This is the dungeon suite.
Probably even worse than your nanny's quarters, right? No, I like it.
It's cosy.
No, it's not.
So, breakfast at seven, start work at eight, clock off at six, Sundays off, $400 a week each.
- Sound good? - OK, sweet.
Yeah, that's like 65 bucks a day, that's more than I was making at TGI Friday's.
No, I think that's what we pay him.
- Huh? - We pay you to volunteer? Yes, 400 bucks a week.
Do you know what volunteering means? I know what pay up or get out means, you long string of piss.
A small contribution to food and board is standard practice.
So, $65 a day for some rice and a bunk bed? - Half a bunk bed.
- Maybe you could ask your parents for money.
That's something the kids here can't really do.
Sod this.
Tam, can you drop us off at the Bamboo hotel down the road, please? No, you can walk on those pencil-thin legs of yours.
Come on, Dyl.
I'll let you have the top bunk.
That's not the issue here, Sean.
I'm not paying for this jizz.
OK, well, I guess we're not very far away so, you know, keep in touch.
Greg, what do you think? You only came here to sightsee, right? I think I'm going to stop here.
I'm sat down now.
- What about you two? - Would we have to pay right now? It's just I have to call my bank when it opens.
Tomorrow's fine.
You want me to call her, them, the bank? - I'm really good with banks.
- No, thank you.
She's my It's my bank.
I'm not sure about this, Dyl.
Yeah, I know.
You're always not sure.
It's like your default setting.
Trust me, OK.
Faint heart never won fair hotel room.
Let's get this show on the road.
- Hello there.
- Hello, sir.
Hi.
I was wondering if you could help.
My name is Sam Bevin, I'm from exclusiveasia.
com, you may be aware of our work.
Here's my card.
Oh, of course, sir.
Great.
So, here's the thing.
I'm meant to be reviewing the Lotus Garden Resort just outside Ho Chi Minh, I went there and you know what? - I don't like it.
- Well, it's a little corporate.
- Exactly right.
- It is corporate, isn't it? Oh, yeah.
This is my photographer by the way.
His name is Shane Notshore.
Hi.
How's it going? We decided we would much prefer to review this place seeing as it's new and we can guarantee that you'll be heavily featured on our home page.
Oh, OK.
Will the honeymoon suite be acceptable, Mr Bevin? That would be perfect.
Thank you, Duck.
And twin beds if possible.
- Yeah.
- Yes, sir.
- Unless you want to snuggle.
No, I'm good.
You're a disgrace, mate.
We can really help these kids, Mom.
Saving the world, tell her we're saving the world.
It'll be so character building and resume building, you know, for child advocacy stuff.
But I do, I want to do that.
Yes, yes it's very clean and safe.
Thank you.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Yes, yes, yes! This is your lounge, dining room, the writing room.
Ah, perfect.
I'm actually writing a novel myself, in between hotel reviews.
Personal gym, the jacuzzi.
Your complementary fruit bowl, sir.
Oh, God, no.
The humanity.
Well, if there's no hot water I'm not showering.
Happy honeymoon, darling.
So we're builders? No, you're assisting builders.
Not working with the children? We've got people doing that.
Too many cooks spoil the kids.
For the next two weeks, you're going to be building a fence with Dan and Dung.
Yeah, I don't think that this is the smartest way to deploy us, Todd.
Deploy you? What are you, a SWAT team? Well, you joke, but I'm an economics major.
I can troubleshoot.
You know, help you restructure.
And May here is a child advocate.
She can really get through to these kids.
- I really can.
- Yeah, we're a real asset, Todd.
You're right pain in the ass-et, I'll give you that.
Get to it.
Mmm.
Pan seared sea bass in a ginger jus.
Oh, pop it down.
Thank you, love.
Whoa.
- What? - Dyl, they're going to rumble us, man.
Real photographers don't use their phones.
Yeah, they do, these days.
Probably.
No-one's going to rumble shit.
Uh-oh.
Also, Mr Bevan, we would love for you to meet a team later today.
I think I'm going to be writing all day, to be honest.
Maybe Sean can do it.
Take some team photos.
Thank you.
OK, no, no! I'm done.
I can't do this.
We haven't finished.
We should do what we're told.
Yeah, well, you know who else does what they're told, May? Communists! Why do you think we fought a war over here trying to liberate these people? - I'm not sure we liberated them.
- Yeah, well, whatever.
I'm just saying I'm not going to impress the college by doing shit like this.
Does it really matter? You're already a scholar.
Yeah, I know.
I just haven't exactly been a model student this year.
Oh, look.
That's why I can't get near the kids, because of the von Trapp family are hogging them all.
They're stealing my experiences.
OK.
It's time to go Black Ops.
You go advocate the shit out of some children, and I'll manage-consult this bitch into the 21st century.
Let's go to work.
Hey.
How's it going, Ash? 'I got a plumbing job for you.
' - Oh.
- 'Here at the orphanage.
' - OK.
- A boiler's broken.
You can fix that, right? Yeah, yeah.
'I'll help.
I'll be your sous chef, or whatever assistant.
' All right, I'll be right over.
Cool.
'OK, amazing.
' You are the best.
So apparently there's this, like, plumbing thing at the orphanage they need me to take a look at.
But what am I supposed to do? I don't know.
Write some more of that novel, or whatever.
You wanted peace, didn't you? See you later.
Of course, I used to give blood myself.
Back in the day.
I've a very strong flow, apparently.
I can fill a bag in under five minutes.
- Why? - It's very iron rich, apparently.
No, I mean, why do you give blood? Oh, well, my wife used to give blood.
It was back when she was still on the scene, and I didn't really like sitting there chock full of the stuff, not giving any of it away.
Felt like a bit of a plum.
And afterwards you get hammered? - Just after one drink.
- Yes.
Yeah, we did.
Yeah, loved that.
Your English is excellent, by the way, Tam.
Hammered.
That's very advanced.
I used to date an American.
Oh, right.
GI? Do you mean from the war, which ended 1975? Sorry.
Stupid.
He worked for UPS.
And what happened? Did he .
.
not deliver? I I think the expansion vessel needs re-pressurising.
Sure.
Yeah.
I mean, you're the expert.
Yeah, it's a bit fiddly because the instructions are in like Wingdings.
Russian, actually.
I thought you were writing a novel? Yeah, I'm going to start tomorrow.
I also wanted to come and see how your 800 bucks is being spunked up the wall.
Well, tough shit, dildo, because we are about to fix this boiler, right, Seany? - Yeah, yeah.
- But Sean's not even a gas plumber.
He's only done bathrooms.
So? I've been learning about this all year, Dyl.
- I can do this.
- OK, I'm just saying.
Don't pretend to be something you're not.
You're going to have a go at me about that, Mr Bevan? What? Who's that? This cheat's got us a free hotel room by saying he's a reviewer.
Holy shit, nice work, chief! Thank you.
- Hey, where did you get that? - Found it.
In a cupboard.
No, he didn't find it, he stole it.
This is what I'm talking about.
Hey, guys.
This is Seng.
Isn't he just the cutest? This is exactly what this place needs.
Bonding.
Todd is clueless when it comes to good leadership.
Oh, I'm sorry, am I interrupting? - No, we were just - Shut up, I don't care.
Why aren't you two digging the holes for the fence post? Yeah, we are here to spend time with the kids, Todd.
And digging is not our forte.
We're literally not digging it.
Well, no, you were horsing around with Tweedledum and Tweedledumer here, who aren't even volunteers.
Well, we are actually fixing this boiler, Todd.
He's a plumber.
Did you want him to stop doing that? Well, OK.
If you think you can fix that box of shit, be my guest.
-- I can do it.
-- OK, do it.
But if you break anything or hurt anyone, I will wear your cocks for socks.
OK, lads? Does anyone have wet wipes? I spoke to your mother.
She called, told me all about you.
She What did she say? She'll pay for this, but only if you do exactly as I say, otherwise you're out.
So no more prowling around picking up kids like you're Michael frickin' Jackson.
And go build that fence, both of you.
- OK, but - You want to go back to China? Thanks.
Cup of tea, brother? Lovely.
Ladies! - Tea's up.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- How goes it down here? - Awful, obviously.
Todd's now basically become my mother.
But you're still not in China, are you? You're still free.
I'm being made to do construction work against my will, Greg.
Like a slave in the Old Testament.
Yeah, this place is total chaos.
Not in the clinic, it's not.
Me and Tam have got that place firing on all cylinders.
Sure.
I hope you're not firing your cylinder in front of the kids.
- No! What? - You'd better be careful, big boy.
She might see you as a passport out of here.
Oh, my God.
You're blushing.
What?! I'm not blushing! - Aw! - No, I'm not.
- You're blushing! - No, I'm not! I'm just a naturally I'm a pink bloke.
I'm a pink bloke! Greg loves Tam! Greg loves Tam! No, stop that.
This is technically bullying.
OK, OK.
Come on.
Got to get back to it before Todd comes and whips us.
Well, actually, no, no, no.
That little piggy has gone to market.
He's not back all afternoon.
Oh, shit! I did it.
In your face, boiler.
Ashley, I fixed it.
I fixed the boiler.
No way! Oh, guys, hey.
Wait up.
So Ashley's drawn up a new rota for this afternoon.
All right.
She's giving you some time off.
- That's all right.
- OK.
So what's the deal, Greg, with you and those two very young girls? Oh, no, no, no.
No deal, no.
Strictly business.
It's just ever since I became single, it's nice to have a bit of company.
Keeps the pecker up.
Right.
I can get you some pills for that.
Is it a problem? Tam, no.
Not a problem, no.
Pecker's good.
Pecker's pukka.
If a little grubby.
Only as in our shower hasn't got any hot water.
My shower has.
Yes, Seany! Finally I can stop stinking like an ape's ass! Sorry, I'm probably so gross.
No, no.
It's cool, really.
You smell You smell.
You don't even smell.
I just hope it helps the kids.
Oh, well, showering is going to help me help the kids.
It's a trickle-down effect.
Oh, it's going to take a few hours for the water to heat up.
But you could always have a shower at ours.
- Or a Jacuzzi.
- Hmm.
You are shitting me.
While I was in Guantanamo, you were in here? Yeah, and there's a minibar over there if you want any wine or whatever.
- Yes! - Oh, and we've got news on demand No, no, that's That's not - I don't know why it stopped there.
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
Just show me where the bathroom is, you old sicko! Just through there.
Woo! Thank you so much, Sean, you're a life-saver! Yeah, we've got bathrobes as well, in case you want to Ha! Uh Er, uh, I I didn't Um I'm just going to check who that is.
Oh, all right, Duc? Hello, Mr Notshaw.
I have assembled the team downstairs to meet you.
Uh, you know, I don't think I have enough time, though.
To meet the team.
Oh, yes, Greggles.
Ooh, that is lovely.
Thank you so much for this, Tam.
Can I join you? - My cousin, Binh.
- Binh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
~ What was that? He was saying that you are going to make us famous.
- And this is my cousin Hau.
- Hau.
- So are they all your cousins, then? - Oh, no, no, no.
Oh.
Over there, Truc, is my uncle.
Oh.
Hi! - This is Nya.
- Nya.
How are you doing? - What's that? - Just - Just scarring.
- Just scarring? - Yeah.
One, two Only three toes on that foot in the end.
- Yes.
Just three.
- Mmm Tam What happened? I had leprosy as a young woman.
- Leprosy? - It's gone, now, cured a long time.
- No, it's not active in any way? - No, no, it's not.
- We're good? - It's not active.
- OK.
You OK? Yeah! Yes.
Yeah.
Um You're the first woman I've been with since, um - My wife.
- It's fine.
When did she die? No, no She's not dead.
No, she's left me and she's .
.
shacked up with some other fella.
Dead to me.
Not really.
Ah, Tam Um, you go ahead -- I'll shower later.
No Tam.
Tam Tam Whoever's got it, when the music stops, unwraps a layer of paper, only one layer -- that's important! Ash! Ash! Ash? This is more than just a game of basketball, people.
This is a way for us to build some skills we can apply to the orphanage.
Teamwork, communication, we need to bond! And whoever cheers on my team gets a chocolate truffle! Did you steal those from the hotel? Yeah, it's fine, they're for guests.
Paying guests, yeah.
All right.
What's got up your arse? Well, I've just spent an hour meeting the whole team at The Bamboo, haven't I? Ohhh! It's not funny, Dyl.
They're all pumped about this review.
Then we're making them happy, aren't we? What's the problem? - Don't do your bullshit philosophy on me.
- OK! Chill out, all right? Let's play some basketball! Come on, dildo! Ready? Oh! Ouch! You guys can't hear the music? I said no shaking! You guys just don't listen.
The music is still playing, I said no shaking! OK.
Honey, you have to pass it on.
No? OK.
Honey, move it along.
Oh! Ah! The music stopped! You have to unwrap it now.
OK! Yeah! Dylan Nutkin with another lay up, thank you very much! - Yes, Dildo! - Albert, get your head in the game, he's making you look like a mug.
Pass, pass.
Pass it on.
No.
When the music plays, you pass it on.
Oh, no! No, stop unwrapping it! You're ruining the game! OK, that's it.
OK.
Time out.
OK, great, you're crying now? Real mature.
OK.
Wait, no -- come back! OK, everyone, stay here.
OK? Come back! No, back in the room.
Ah! Help! Help me! Oh, and it's another steal from Nutkin, just like he stole the chocolate from the hotel! - Ah! - Whoa! What the hell was that? - Ow! - Dyl, you all right? Dyl! Dylan? What are you clowns doing now? Uh, we were playing a game, it got out of hand.
- You OK, piss-streak? - Yeah My name's Dylan! On the plus side, Todd, we did fix the boiler.
Ashley! Ashley! Help, the kids ran off! What? You're not even supposed to be with the kids! I know.
I was covering for the Austrians Who made you an Austrian? One of the kids went feral and they all bolted.
- Feral? - Oh, yeah.
But don't worry, they can't have gone far.
They'll still be somewhere in the building.
Or they might not be in the building.
Was that the boiler you fixed?! Maybe I should do commercial law.
You know, I can't be a child advocate now.
If anything, I'm going to advocate against children.
Those selfish pricks just do not listen.
I'm really sorry, Dill.
It's fine, it was an accident.
No, it wasn't.
You were just pissed about the hotel thing.
All right, the kids are all fine.
Oh, thank God! Does that mean you won't tell my mum? - Please don't tell her - mum.
Shut up.
OK, piss-streak, Tam needs you to stay inside in case your head swells up.
Sorry to wang on about this, Todd, it's just if my mum knows about us not doing a great job You mean giving each other head injuries, blowing up a boiler and losing ten children? - Yeah, that.
- OK, go ahead.
She might cut me off and make me go back to China.
Wow, you have no idea how pathetic you sound, Princess.
Look, Todd, I know that we've messed up a bit, but we have been trying.
Yes, she has.
She's been a useless dipshit, but she's been trying.
You've just been looking after yourself! No I tried to fix the boiler.
The accommodation block boiler, yeah, so you'd have hot water.
I did team-building games.
And that worked out real well, didn't it? Don't pretend this was for our benefit.
You'd just rather play games and boss people around than get your hands dirty.
- I - And shut up, you shut up! You turned my boiler into a bomb, so I don't want to hear from you.
Now get back on that fence or I will literally tell your mummy.
OK.
- Thank you.
- Oh, Todd Sorry.
Can I pick your brains for a sec? Maybe somewhere a bit more Is it possible to catch leprosy? Only I was physically intimate with someone earlier who previously had it.
Just first base, but Tam did not give you leprosy, she had it 20 years ago and it's not highly infectious -- that's a myth.
Oh, great, just Not to be crude, but nothing is going to start falling off, is it? - It's just I asked - Oh, you asked Tam? - I did, yeah.
- Good move, Casanova.
You really know how to show a girl a good time.
No, nothing will fall off.
You're fine, you're just an insensitive prick.
Right, thanks.
Thank you, Todd.
Hey! Hey.
You all right? Yeah.
No.
You know, I try and help and I just get shouted at.
Don't listen to Todd, he's a dick.
Maybe.
I guess I quit the fence because it was boring and wouldn't impress anyone.
And I think that That's kind of what I've been doing it for.
So basically, you were right.
Oh, God, was I? What do I know? I'm just a guy.
I thought I wanted to be alone, writing Turns out I'd much rather be with these kids, playing b-ball, it really made them happy.
Yeah.
You're right.
We may not achieve a lot here, but If we can just touch one person, you know? Well, probably not worth it.
It depends who you're touching.
- Argh! - Oh, sorry! - No, no, no.
- Sorry.
- Don't stop! - OK.
Close the curtain.
Listen, Dillon, if we're going to do this, - I think that we should keep it to ourselves.
- Yeah, great.
OK.
Um, and I don't want a boyfriend right now.
Neither do I.
Seriously, curtain.
There's kids in here.
It's just, you're a little trigger-happy when it comes to putting a ring on it, so I thought I just need to be very clear.
OK, fine.
- You're feeling better, yeah? - Yeah, fine.
Didn't get much sleep, but Ah, you see? Used to the honeymoon suite.
Tam? I'm really sorry about yesterday.
I'm not really a medical expert, so - I'm very busy.
- No, I know you are, but I've been mugging up on leprosy and I now know that it's transmitted by nasal droplets.
I'm now ab fine with it and if there's any way you wanted to have another shower .
.
or a bath.
Or just keep it dry, then I would absolutely bite your hand off.
Not that it would come off, of course, because leprosy doesn't work like that.
Not that you've got leprosy -- you did have it, but it's gone.
- Greg.
- Go on.
- I think this isn't a good time.
- No.
So, shall we talk later? - For you, I mean.
What? I understand how you reacted and I'm glad that you have learned about leprosy.
The Latin word lepre meaning scaly, I mean, I really have.
You're not over your wife, Greg.
- That's your problem.
- Oh, I'm over my wife, well over my wife, totally over my wife, uber.
You're always talking about her.
Tam, I'm serious about you.
- I really am.
- No, you're not.
Move to England.
We can make that work.
You can get a job in Starbucks, with your English, or a hospital, if your qualifications are valid in the eyes of the NHS.
- I don't need a Western guy to come and rescue, me, OK? - Yeah.
Look, this is my home, this is my job.
Maybe you don't think much of it, but I do.
- I do.
- So Just go and lie on a beach somewhere, take your mind off things.
I'm so sorry about the whole losing the kids or the blowing up, head injury thing, Todd.
I have decided not to tell your mummy about this.
Thank you! We'll make it up to you.
No, you won't! You and the rest of the fucking goonies will leave right now.
You see, that won't work with my mum, I need to be here.
Yeah I won't tell her about that, either.
As far as mummy's concerned, you're both here.
She sends me $800 a week and we split it.
This place gets a little more funding and you get an easy, well funded vacation.
What, like a - A scam? - No! A partnership.
If you want to actually help these children and keep your account with the bank of mummy open, this is how you do it.
Come on.
Do we have a deal? - What are you doing? - No deal, Todd.
I'm breaking the cycle of dependency - Oh.
- .
.
right now.
You're not keeping that shirt, Princess! I'm not going back to China, mum.
- Well, that could have gone better.
- No! And you can't extradite me, so Fine, don't pay, then.
You can take my money, but you can't take my freedom.
I know it's from Braveheart, so what? Yes, we can look after ourselves.
Yes! All done, Mr Beaven.
We will move three more beds into the honeymoon suite for your - researchers.
- Thank you, Duck.
And the additional occupancy charge will be added to your bill.
- Perfect.
- Added to? - There's a bill? - Yes, of course, sir.
788? - Is that dollars or dong? - Dollars, sir.
But, no, we're We're reviewers.
We have applied 20% discount on our normal room rate and we're not charging you for the complimentary fruit bowl.
Oh.
Dom Perignon.
Sea bass.
Brazilian shag three - 42 Lindor truffles.
- How did you know that was us? They were in a public place! We count them every hour, sir.
- OK, in that case, we check out now, duck.
- As you wish, sir.
I'm going to give this place an absolutely stinging review.
- You're not a reviewer, Dill.
- I am on Trip Advisor, mate.
I'll get it, it was my idea.
Yeah, damn right you will.
I mean, at least it is $12 cheaper than the orphanage.
Thank you for choosing us.
We'll make sure that we will check your website - every morning for your reviews.
- Cool.
Might be a while yet.
Actually, me old duck, can me and my team do one more thing before we leave? Guess what tonight is.
Yeah! You guessed it -- it's the full moon party! - Oh! - I think May might need you.
- she shat herself.
Hey, Dillon! What is your type, what are you into? This is going to be amazing!