Gary Unmarried (2008) s01e03 Episode Script

- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Wow, breakfast.
What did I do to deserve this? Oh, you know what you did.
Well, I would've done it a lot faster if I knew there was gonna be bacon.
Seriously, there's a faster version of that? - I don't know.
- All right, I'm gonna need a frying pan.
All right.
- And a frying pan handle.
- Right.
Seriously, don't lose these, okay? It's also how we start the car.
I know I'm going out on a limb here, but do you have a bowl? No, but I have a colander.
How fast can you work? Honey, you have nothing to cook with or eat off of in this house.
What do you do when the kids are here? We put paper plates in Frisbees like the rest of America.
- Well, you can buy stuff, you know.
- I know.
But after the split, this was the first place I found, and I didn't wanna spend a lot of money and buy great stuff to replace all the great stuff that I used to have.
So, you went out and got everything you needed at what, a hardware store? You know, you laugh, but I tricked out the whole house for 36 bucks.
So that explains the plastic shower curtain that hugs my body like a horny ghost.
Actually, no.
That came with the house.
The guy that moved out forgot to take it with him.
Sucker! Look, it's no big deal.
I'll get some new stuff eventually.
Okay, you don't have any plates in your house but you have a $300 cake mixer? Is that what that is? I had no idea.
I just know Allison really wanted it in the divorce, so I fought for it.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
There's your mom, guys.
Come on.
Throw out your paper plates and rinse off your Frisbees this time, okay? - Is that a new purse, Mom? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Is that leather? - Yeah.
- Is that necessary? - Okay, Louise.
Louise.
Honey, honey, the cow was already going to be food.
You know, to not use its skin would just be wasteful.
Does it have a special pocket for your rationalization? What do you do with her when she's here, give her sarcasm lessons? Yeah, like 40 times a day.
Look, Gary, I hate to bring this up, but it's the beginning of the month and my spousal support is late again.
Has it been a month already? Wow, you know, that's amazing 'cause when we were married, the months went by so slowly.
And, Gary, I have to deposit these.
Could you please stop writing, "This is a hold-up" on the memo line? Oh, yeah.
Let me see that.
- Look.
- Come on.
It got you on the news.
Look Why do you do this to me, Gary? Really? My spousal support is a hard-earned salary for 15 years of raising your children and being your wife.
What did I get for being your husband? Fifteen years of never having to flush a toilet.
Come on, kids! Besides, when Walter and I get married, you won't have to pay me any more support.
But if I don't pay spousal support, what will I have to talk about with all the hobos down at the blood bank? Hey, when are you two crazy kids gonna set a date, anyway? I don't know.
Walter doesn't seem to be in a hurry to set a date.
I'm okay with that.
He has been in a little funk lately.
Just not used to dealing with someone whose problems can't be solved with French fries.
I understand.
You know, Walter probably hates French things, all those painful memories from World War I.
Okay.
So, walk me through this again.
Once Allison is married, you don't have to pay any money at all? No, I still have to pay child support, but that's cool.
That's for the kids.
But spousal support, my God, that's That's like paying workman's comp to a guy that cut off your fingers.
So, all you really need to do is go light a fire under Krandall.
Yeah, that'll work.
He's my ex-therapist.
I'm an ex-patient.
I'm gonna convince him to marry my ex-wife? Well, you're great at convincing people to do stuff.
- You think so? - Yeah.
Remember the time you got me to agree to a pay cut in exchange for stock options? I was an idiot.
You're just a guy with a van.
There was no stock.
All right, that was genius.
All right? You do the same thing to Krandall.
- You get him to set a date.
- All right.
Then you'll have enough money to give me the pay raise you've been talking about.
Okay, I'll tell you what.
Instead of a raise, how about I make you vice president? Nice try, Gary.
All right? It's president or nothing.
You got yourself a deal.
Why don't you sit down and tell me what's on your mind? Where to begin, you know.
Dr.
Krandall, I guess I've been feeling pretty adrift lately, - you know, since I'm single.
- But you have a girlfriend, right? Oh, sure, I have a girlfriend, but that's not the same as being married, a real live wife like Allison.
I hope you know how lucky you are.
Yes, Allison is a wonderful woman.
I mean, Allison's amazing, Dr.
Krandall.
Come on, she's beautiful, she's She's punctual, right? She's on time.
She's smart.
She's very smart, and that's something she always lets you know.
You'll always know she's smart 'cause she always corrects you if you use words wrong or if you don't know how many justices are on the Supreme Court.
- Nine.
- Nine.
See, you know that, too! What are the odds two people in the same town know that? That's crazy.
You guys are soul mates, for crying out loud.
I'm a little surprised, Gary.
This isn't exactly how you referred to Allison during your counseling.
I believe you once referred to her as "Satan's life coach.
" Well, sure, all the pet names, they sound a little corny when they're taken out of context.
In hindsight, Allison has a lot of amazing qualities, Dr.
Krandall, that I You know, I took them for granted.
You actually did care for her, didn't you? Of course I did.
We were together for 15 years.
We made a home together.
She's the mother to my children.
You know, I blew it with Allison.
And you can't make that mistake.
I got news for you, Krandall.
There's a lot of interest for Allison out there, all right? And if you're not careful, I might take another run at her myself.
You're very convincing, Gary.
And you're right, I need to make my move.
Attaboy.
That's great! That's a good decision, Krandall.
Enough of this.
Let's get back to you and your feelings of being adrift.
No, I feel great now.
I feel very connected.
You're good.
You're very good.
Listen, you got calls to make, a wedding to plan.
I have to throw you a bachelor party.
You're gonna love it this time 'cause these days, the ladies don't hold feathers in front of their bodies.
I can't believe we're watching C-SPAN.
It's my TV day, and this is our government in action.
Yeah, I'm on the edge of my seat.
You know, this would be a lot more interesting if you could vote someone off.
You can, idiot.
Every two years.
Hey, kids.
Daddy made a big sale today, so guess what, donuts before dinner.
- What's going on here? - Well, let me bring you up to speed.
Some old guy in a suit walked across the room with a piece of paper.
No, not C-SPAN.
What's going on What's this? What is this? They're plates, Dad.
Vanessa bought them.
She got bowls and dish towels.
She's got all sorts of stuff in there.
Oh, hey, look at that.
The esteemed gentleman from Wisconsin has his barn door open.
- Hey.
- Hey, you.
- Where'd you get all this stuff? - From a store.
I keep forgetting how long you were frozen.
Look, I got some kitchen essentials for you.
I wanted to try them out, so I made you and the kids some grilled cheese.
- I hope I didn't ruin your dinner plans.
- Oh, no, I'll turn off the porch light.
The delivery guy will never find the house.
You are now the proud owner of place settings for eight, matching silverware, water and wine glasses.
Hey, this pan looks the same way as your old one, except it has a handle that's attached to it at all times.
Isn't that a little showy? Well, what's wrong? Don't you like it? Yeah, I like it.
It's just there's so much of it.
Okay, look, I think I know what's going on here.
Look, I went through the same thing when I got divorced.
I didn't unpack any of my boxes for three months because I didn't wanna admit that I was a 26-year-old single mom living in a guest house.
Well, that's not what's going on here at all because I'm not a single mom.
I mean, you know, not that I know of.
Gary, sooner or later, you're gonna wanna feel at home in your own house.
God, I gotta go pick up Parker.
Look, you know, I just want you to enjoy it.
- You know, try it.
You might like it.
- Okay.
What's wrong with you? Well, I hope you weren't rooting for the highway appropriations bill getting out of committee, 'cause it's not gonna happen this year.
Gary.
Gary.
Go away, Allison.
I don't have any more money.
- Wake up.
- Allison.
Okay, but Vanessa can never know about this.
Gary, Gary, Gary, shut up.
This is serious.
It's about Walter.
- What happened? Did he have a fall? - No.
- He broke off the engagement! - What? Why? - Because of you! - Jeez Louise! Stop it! What did he say? You were the one in his office today.
You tell me.
That's between me and my therapist, come on.
- He thinks you're still in love with me.
- What? I didn't say anything that would give him that impression.
- Then what exactly did you say? - I don't know.
I told him you were beautiful.
I told him you were smart.
I told him it was great being married to you.
Gary, Gary, what were you thinking? Well, it was either that or tell him the truth.
I mean, look, you said he was shuffling his feet about setting a wedding date.
I had to go in there and make a sell.
Excuse me, I do not need to be sold, okay? Okay, look, the merchandise isn't exactly flying off the shelf, okay? I can't believe you did this, Gary.
I mean, my God, don't you want me to be happy? I want you to be married.
I don't think you can be both.
Well, thanks to you, I'm gonna be neither.
That was the worst booty call ever.
Om.
Om.
Hey.
"Om," my ass! Get up, Krandall.
How dare you! I was just about to transcend.
That's disgusting.
If you wanna do that, lock your door, all right? Why did you tell Allison that I'm still in love with her? - Because you are, Gary.
- No, I'm not.
That's crazy.
Even if there was some bizarro, wacky universe - where I was in love with her - Which you are.
I'm not in love with her.
Why'd you call off the engagement? That doesn't make sense.
Because recently I've been wrestling with the idea that because of my immediate attraction to Allison, I didn't do enough to save your marriage.
Yes, and I thank God every day that you didn't.
So when you came in here yesterday, saying all those wonderful things about her, I came to the painful realization that I crossed an ethical boundary by sleeping with your ex-wife.
Hey, I stole magazines from your lobby.
We're square.
Look, you've gotta get this through your head.
The only reason I wanted you to set a date with Allison is so I wouldn't have to pay alimony, that's it.
Sure, that's what you thought in your conscious mind, but in a part of your brain you can never access or even pronounce, you meant every word.
I think I know what's going on in my own brain, Krandall.
Sure, you know the simple things like, "I'm hungry," "I'm thirsty," "I need to make water," but you never would have said those things if you didn't mean them on some level.
Krandall, you know me pretty well.
I don't have a lot of levels.
Gary, please, it's quite normal.
You're at a point in your divorce where You're at a point in your divorce where a lot of men realize they were happier being married.
Yeah, well, I'm not one of those guys.
Look for the signs in your own life.
Are you resisting change? Longing for what you used to have? Preoccupied with your ex-wife's romantic attachments? - Does any of that sound familiar, Gary? - No.
Gary.
You're wrong about this, Krandall.
You're wrong.
And you're making a big mistake if you don't marry my wife.
- Your wife, Gary? - Oh, my ex-wife! You knew I meant to say my ex-wife! I said "wife" by accident.
By accident, Gary? There are no accidents.
The very idea of accidents is a fallacy.
A fallacy? Is everything about a penis with you people? Ex-wife.
Ex-wife.
She's my ex-wife.
Ex-wife.
Ex-wife.
Ex.
Ex-wife.
Ex-wife.
- Hey, handsome.
Hi.
- Hi.
I wasn't expecting you.
Expecting.
Expecting you.
I went to the drugstore and I picked up a couple things for you.
I got you some soap, some shampoo and a shower curtain that understands the meaning of the word "no.
" That's nice.
Hey, why aren't you using any of the plates I got you? If I use one of the plates, it'll get dirty, and then it won't match all the other plates.
Yeah, well, it's supposed to get dirty and then clean and then dirty again.
It's kind of how plates work.
Yeah, I understand the theory of plates, sweetheart, it's just - I don't know, for me this is more fun.
- Okay.
What? When I'm done, I throw it on the lawn and the sprinkler cleans it.
- What are you doing? - Taking back the stuff I got you.
You didn't buy me the mixer.
- Yeah, well, that I just want.
- All right.
Why are you making such a big deal out of this? You know what, Gary? This is really my fault.
I should have known that you weren't ready for any of this.
Well, you don't have to take all the plates back.
Are you sure you wanna put the glasses underneath Yeah, you probably have a plan.
This really isn't about the stuff.
I mean, you're just not ready to accept that this is your home.
I mean, you're a painter and there's no paint on the walls.
Well, if I ever paint this place, I'm gonna use a company way better than mine.
You've been here for three months.
Why are you so afraid to live here? Because this isn't my home.
My home is where Allison is.
That didn't come out right.
This place is just temporary, okay? Well, temporary means that you're going somewhere, Gary.
Where are you going? Oh, my gosh.
I have one quesadilla off of a Frisbee and now I have to answer all of life's tough questions.
Okay.
If you ever decide that you're ready to leave your old life and move into your new one, let me know.
Allison.
Allison.
- Gary? What are you doing? - I need to talk to you.
Let me in.
No, it's after midnight.
I'm not letting you in.
Okay.
What? I didn't know that was up there.
Well, that's 'cause I never locked you out.
- What do you want? - Listen, for 15 years, you knew what was going on inside my head.
Right now, I need you to tell me what's going on inside my head.
Based on my experience, nothing.
Good night.
Come on, Allison, please help me.
Please.
Why should I help you, Gary? You screwed up my entire life.
I gotta tell you, I'm still a little pissed.
Just have a seat.
It'll be okay.
Look, Vanessa's mad at me 'cause I wouldn't use some plates, and she said that I wanna get back to my old life.
What? Well, according to Walter, my ex-fiancé, he thinks you still have feelings for me.
What? That's insane.
Then why did you sabotage my relationship? It was for the money, okay? So you're not jealous of Walter? You're not in love with me? No.
No, I'm not in love with you.
I'm not in love with you at all.
I mean, I care about you a little bit.
I mean, if you were attacked and mauled by a grizzly bear, I would call for help on my way out of the woods.
If I have any love for you whatsoever, I promise you it's buried under thousands and thousands of layers of resentment and anger and bitterness and that week we had to spend in Branson in the same hotel room with your parents and when your curling iron burnt down my office and you made me get a vasectomy and then you made me un-get it and then you made me get it again.
- Wow, you remember all that stuff? - Yeah.
- You're, like, so in love with me.
- What? - Yes, you are.
- No, that's the - That's the opposite.
- You are, Gary.
- I'm not.
That's the opposite.
- Look at you.
- It's so obvious.
- No, that's not - You know what? Stand up, Allison.
- What? - Okay, kiss me.
- What? Let's kiss.
Kiss.
Because the second my lips touch yours, I'll know if I'm in love with you or not.
And if I am, I'm gonna go downtown, buy a pistol, and I'm gonna blow my brains out.
But either way, I have to know.
You know, Gary, I already know, all right? Come on, kiss me.
Come on.
- It'll be all right.
Kiss me.
- No.
Gary, Gary - Just kiss me.
- Okay, fine.
You know what? - Fine, just make it quick.
- All right.
Okay.
All right.
Kissing Allison.
Kissing Allison.
Kissing Allison.
All right, here we go.
Can you put your hair up? - Do something with your face? - What? No.
No! I'm going to bed.
No, no, no, it's okay.
You're not making this easy on me, Allison.
Okay, on the count of three.
One, two Could you please not act like we're lifting a couch? All right.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
- Hang on.
- No, why'd you stop me? Now I gotta go through everything again.
- What? - Kissing Allison.
Kissing Allison.
- Look - Kissing Allison.
- Gary.
Gary.
- What? - What if you like it? - What? Yeah, I mean, like, you know, what if it's really, really good? Then what? Allison That was awful.
Yes! High-five! Yeah.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Yeah, I guess.
This is great.
There's nothing for me here.
I can move on.
I'll see you.
Good for you, Gary.
Good stuff.
- Allison.
- What? What? What? I'm sorry I messed things up between you and Krandall.
I really am.
And I was serious when I said he'd really be lucky to have you.
Thanks.
Too bad he broke up with me.
- He'll be back.
- How can you know that? I saw him pedaling his bike up the driveway.
What? Allison.
- Hi, Walter.
- I couldn't stay away.
Allison, I know the ethics of our situation are questionable, but it occurred to me when Gary came to my office for the second time how little I like Gary.
I'm not gonna torture myself anymore.
I love you, Mango.
Mango? And I love you, too, Cranberry.
Oh, my God.
What are you guys, a smoothie? Allison, will you marry me at a non-specific date in the future? - Of course, Walter.
- Honey.
That's so nice, you two.
This is great.
When you say "non-specific date," you mean you are getting married, you just You don't hear me at all, do you? All right, well, I guess I'll just leave you two alone, then.
And I'll just be heading out.
And you two enjoy yourselves.
- Okay, don't open your eyes.
- I'm blindfolded.
Right, sorry.
Okay, here we go.
Come in.
Come on, it's okay.
There you go.
Steady.
All right.
What do you think? - I'm blindfolded.
- Right, sorry.
Sorry.
Here.
Welcome to my new life, okay? Wow.
- You look good in it.
- So do you.
Thank you.
It's beautiful.
Oh! But the paint fumes Can't really breathe.
- Can you open up the window maybe? - Yeah.
- Oh, my gosh.
We could die in here.
- Yeah.
Oh, my gosh.
Dennis painted them shut.
I'd fire him, but I just made him president of the company.