Gavin and Stacey s01e03 Episode Script

So did you get arrested? - So you're not ringing me from jail? - No! - Where then? - I'm in work! They just cautioned me.
I reckon a couple of them found it romantic.
- I found it romantic.
- It was romantic, fiancee.
- Have you told your mum? - No, I'll tell her tonight.
Do you want me to be there when you do? I'll come down, I don't mind.
It's probably best if I tell her on my own.
She might be a bit shocked.
- Oh, for the love of Christ! - Mum! Please don't be like this! ME?! Me be like this? Oh, that's it.
I'm calling Bryn.
Mam! - All right.
- Have you heard about this, Ness? - Yeah.
- And what do you think? At the end ofthe day, when all's said and done, I'm not gonna judge.
I been judged myself, Gwen, both in and out of court and it's not nice.
But that's life and if the truth be told I'm made up for her.
Ah, thanks, Ness.
Come on.
It's Weakest Link.
Bryn? She's done it again.
I know.
I know.
All right.
- Where is she? - Oh, Bryn.
Where is she? Stacey? Stacey.
Put that telly off now.
- All right, Bryn? - All right, Nessa, luv.
What do you think about all this? For your information, she's made up for me.
I thought everyone in my family would be when I told them I was getting married.
And so we were, the FIRST time you got engaged.
We loved Hywel, if you remember, we embraced him as one of our own! I mean the second time even We were still over the moon.
Kyle and his family treated us like royalty.
He was a prick.
He wasn't to everyone's taste, Nessa, I'll give you that.
But she loved him and therefore so did we.
Now, the third time with, er, what's? - Leighton.
Less said about him the better.
- If he was chocolate he'd have eaten himself.
- But number four Oh, number four, eh? You couldn't meet a nicer bloke than Achmed.
- He'd walk over hot coals for you, my girl.
- He did once.
For charity.
I know.
I remember.
He was a lovely fella - salt of the earth.
And this all shock you I miss him! I do.
I can't tell a lie.
He still sends a card at Christmas.
They don't even celebrate it but that's by the by.
You didn't want him and we accepted it.
But none of them were like Gavin! Excuse me! Number five Clifford.
He's very much like Gavin.
- How? - Well, they're both cracking looking boys.
I hope that's where the similarity ends because I'm not driving you to Strangeways like your father used to do, - God rest his soul.
- I know I've made mistakes, all right? And I got five engagement rings upstairs to prove it.
But in my heart I know that Gavin is the one for me.
He's my soul mate.
- You said that about Achmed! - Kyle! Look.
I am marrying him with or without your blessing.
I'd love to know what his parents have to say about all this.
We've got to have a party!! Just a little soiree.
I been saying I wanted a party but we never had a reason! - Now we have! - Now we have! Oh, come here my little prince.
Oh, I gotta phone Dawn and tell her.
Congratulations, son.
- And you're really sure about this? - 1000%.
- It's all a bit sudden, that's all.
- I know.
But when you know, you know.
I do.
I'm proud of yer mate.
I know! I know! Isn't it incredible? Listen, I'll call you back.
I gotta ring Sue.
Right you! Get on the phone to your fiancee and invite her and all her family up this Saturday.
- We'll have a nice do.
- Her family? Yes, Gavin! We gotta start making bridges now.
- They can all stay.
- Where?! Well, you'll have to get of your arse and get the Z-beds out the loft.
Party? London? Saturday? - A party in London this Saturday?! - It's Essex.
Yeah, in my book that's tantamount to London.
Well, his parents want to meet you all.
And you can stay over.
Oh, can I indeed? Is that a fact? Gav I'll have to call you back.
to stay in the house of a family I've never met before.
Well, thank you for informing me.
Gwen, - have you ever heard such nonsense? - Well, it can't do any harm, can it? You've changed your tune! Well, what's the problem? We can drive up and you'll get a chance to try out your Sat Nav! Oh! Yeah Now that is a thought.
Yes.
Yes.
Um, Stacey, please inform the Shipmans that I accept their offer and very much look forward to meeting them.
You're coming, aren't you? - Can I smoke in the car? - Sorry, Nessa, no.
But we will be making a scheduled stop at Leigh Delamare, possibly Heston but other than that, I suggest you invest in some patches or gum to get you through.
All right.
Count me in.
- Oh, Bryn.
- Yes.
You've got something on your face.
Change this for tens, please.
I'm sorry, luv, but I gotta do this.
It's no reflection on you but at the end of the day fraud's fraud and I don't know you from Adam.
And he's been barred twice.
- All right, Ness? - Bear with me Stace, I'm working.
As it goes, this one's fine and you look tidy.
So, be on you way.
- All right, Stace, what's occurring? - I need your advice, I do.
- Go for it.
- Should I tell Gav about the other engagements? Or should I just leave it.
If I tell him it might wreck everything.
It's not that big a deal, is it? That depends.
This reminds me of a very similar situation I was in with my second husband Clive.
I was faced with the dilemma whether to lie or not to lie.
- And I chose to tell the truth.
- And what happened? He died.
Firing squad.
A terrible way to go, Stace, and I wouldn't like to see it happen to you.
Smugglers we were.
If it weren't for my relationship with John Prescott I'd still be in that jail right now.
So yeah, in answer to your question I'd say no, don't tell him.
Oh, thanks, Ness.
Do you miss him? Clive? I do, yeah.
But I don't miss walking through Customs with a belly full of crack filled condoms.
Lucy, baby, listen - I'm just having a couple of drinks with Gav.
He's called me up, he wants to talk.
I don't know! I know and I will.
I will Lula Bella Mozzarella.
I will! I love you too-oo.
I doo-oo.
I love you, I doo-oo.
All right.
I gotta go.
OK.
I gotta go.
Bye bye.
- Who's that, wrong number? - No, Lucy.
She needs some help with her woodwork.
She's making a fruit bowl.
- Is that what I think it is? - Have a try.
Oh, my God.
Schloehoffen.
Is it beer of the week? How many memories does that bring back? I'm getting another.
- No, hang on a minute.
- I'll get a couple.
- I need to talk to you.
- I get Ya' - Is it Stacey? - Yeah.
- We've got engaged.
- Has she dumped you? - You've got engaged?? - She's hasn't dumped me! - What? - What? - You're getting married!? - We're getting married! Yeah.
And you didn't talk this through with me first? - Smithy, I don't - It's all right.
It's all clear now.
Take him out, buy him his favourite drink, he won't make a scene.
I thought you'd be happy for me! So is that it? Any more bombshells you wanna drop before I go? - Finish your beer.
- What that's?! That which held so many happy memories? See ya.
Mate.
Mick? Michael! Mick!! What now? What time is it? It's five to ten.
That lemon roulade needs to come out of the freezer.
Of course, my love.
- I know what you're doing, Michael.
- Mornin'.
Stop where you are! Are you wearing shoes? No.
I just got up.
There are no shoes to be worn anywhere in this house today.
Do you understand? Oh, and check your dad when he comes back.
Yeah, you just take it easy, Mum! - Nervous? - Little bit.
I remember when I met all your dad's side Shocking.
I walked in the pantry to find your auntie Christine giving your uncle John - One lemon roulade! - Oh, thanks, luv.
Tell you later - Mum, says have you got toothpaste? - Yes, and a flannel.
He's got it! Now come on! Did you check upstairs? Yes! Now come on or we'll never get there.
Right.
All belted up? Clunk click! Now, if I could ask you please to be quiet while I hand over to our navigator.
Continue to the end of the road and turn left.
Thank you very much.
Oh, for goodness sake Bryn we know the way to the M4.
Continue along this road for 0.
4 miles.
Thank you very much.
Can we have some music on now, Uncle Bryn? I'm sorry, Stace, I'm gonna say no.
Just in case I need to receive any further instructions.
Oh, my Christ! Gavin, please tell me none of them are vegetarians.
- No, I don't think so.
- Mick! - Yes, my love.
- Get down to Tescos now! I need veggie burgers, corn on the cobs, anything with Linda McCartney written on it.
- Mam, I'm sure they're not.
- Are you, Gavin? 100% hand on heart? - Well, no - Exactly! Mick! Go! - I'll ring 'em and find out.
- How stupid will that make me look? When those poor vegetarians realise I wasn't thinking about them when I was planning my menu.
I was thinking about slaughtering animals and wrapping them in pastry.
That's what they'll think.
- Mum - Mick! What are you still doing here? Take the next right followed by the second left.
Thank you very much.
At the roundabout, take the third exit signposted towards Billericay.
Oh, heck.
So it's left here Yes and then right at the lights.
- That's it.
- Thank you very much.
We should have just used a map.
God knows you got plenty of 'em.
It's never let me down before, Gwen.
You've never used it outside of Barry before.
You knows your way round Barry so it's pointless.
Oh, Bryn, am I all right to smoke now? They're here! Mum! - You are joking me! - No, come on! Where the hell is your father? 40 minutes he's been gone! Well, it is a Saturday.
I don't care if it's Christmas sodding Eve.
Hello! Welcome! Welcome! Come in.
I'm Pam Pamela! You all know Gavin.
Unfortunately my husband Mick has been called into the office.
Apparently all the computers have been shut down and only he knows how to Anyway, enough about him.
- You must be, Nessa? - All right, Pam? And that makes you Gwen.
Oooh! Mother of the bride! And you must be Uncle Brine.
- Brian.
- Bryn.
Bryn.
- It means 'hill' in Welsh.
- Does it really? Do you know, I have no idea what my name means in Welsh.
Why.
Cos I don't speak the lingo, darlin'! No, In Welsh 'pam' means 'why'.
Or 'brick'.
Oh, sorry! There he is.
- Here he is! The worker! - Nice to meet you! How was everything at the office? Fine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We just had a burst pipe.
- Where do you want this food, luv? - Those? Erm Give 'em here.
Oh, by the way This food isn't food food.
Oh, God no, everyone's catered for.
I catered for everyone well in advance.
No, it's just that this morning before you arrived I became a vegetarian.
Yeah, veggie.
So that's what this is.
Out of interest, are any of you vegetarians? I mean, not that it makes a difference to me either way.
- We're all adults.
- Pam? But I would ask you to respect my views and all the little animals who've been needlessly murdered in the name of western civilized greed.
Pam! Look I'm sure all our guests could do with a sit-down.
So why don't you all go through and, Gavin, you get everybody's bags and your mum and I will get the drinks.
Thank you, Gavin.
- Oh my God! - What is wrong with you? I fell apart.
I've fallen apart, Mick.
I was so nervous I can't even remember what I just said.
- You said you were a vegetarian.
- Yes! I remember that bit! OK, calm down! It's just you weren't here and you always do the greeting! I get the drinks and you introduce.
It's been like that for 26 years.
OK.
Look at me.
Now you take some deep breaths all right.
That's it.
And calm.
Now we're gonna go back in there and have a lovely evening with some lovely people.
And the only thing you have to remember is you don't - eat meat.
- eat meat.
Oh, Stace, I tell you what you could do a lot worse.
No word of a lie, when they dies you'll be loaded.
Nessa! She got a point, Gwen.
I mean let's face it.
When Trefor died God, rest his soul, he left you a penniless widow.
You don't want to see Stace go down that same terrible route, do you? I can't believe this! I'm not even married yet and already you're talking about my in-laws dying! You got to think about these things.
I mean, had you ended up with Leighton, right, you'd have been livin' on the bread line because his family had nothin'.
Hywel's lot, well, they weren't much better off.
At least with Achmed you felt there was a bit put by.
But then it's in their culture, see? Bryn! We're not to mention the other engagements.
- Stace will tell him when she's ready.
- I don't want to upset him.
Nor the family.
You gotta think about the inheritance.
Look! They're just ordinary people.
- They're not mega rich nor nuthin'.
- Champagne everyone! Who's for champagne? Here you go, Stacey here you are.
Gwen.
Nessa! - You'll have to go outside, I'm afraid.
- No worries.
I still got these.
Here you go, Nessa.
So a toast! To the happy couple! Gavin and Stacey! - Gavin and Stacey! - Gavin and Stacey! Congratulations! - It's going all right, yeah? - Yeah! Everyone's getting on brilliant.
- We'll have to tell them tonight, you know.
- I know.
I know.
- Gav-lar.
- Smith-ster.
Sorry, mate.
It just knocked me for six.
- No, I thought you handled it really well.
- Seriously? - What? - Come on.
- No! - Come on.
- I don't want to.
- Right.
Forget it.
- See you later.
- OK! Quickly.
Make friends, make friends - Do it properly or not at all.
- Yeah, all right! - Yeah? - OK.
Make friends, make friends' Never never break friends.
If you do I'll flush you down the loo and that will be the end of you.
Snooker Loopy! - Is that a Smithy I can hear? - It certainly is Michael!! - Did you come alone? - I'm certainly not! If you're referring to this little lady! Right, get her in here.
Bryn! Wait till you taste this home brew.
Bryn, it's my best mate Smithy.
- Hello, mate.
How are ya? - Smithy, nice to meet you.
- Bryn, that's Welsh for hill, right? - Yeah.
So what it is, right, like a corset by here but then it goes out with like a train going from my head, by here, all the way down and then it trails behind me for about five metres.
And then I'll have like a hoop on my wrist so I can hold it when we do the first dance.
- Oh, like a princess.
- That is cracking.
And then for my flowers I want the same as the bridesmaids.
- I'm gonna have six bridesmaids.
- Six? Yeah! Nessa Maid of Honour.
- Nice one.
- Cheryl, Cheryl's two little girls, my cousin Zoe and Nessa's old step daughter Collette, then page boys What's the matter? - Oh, nothing, luv.
Go on.
- No, what is it? Come on, Gwen? What's your beef? - or Tofu, sorry, Pam.
- S'all right, my luv.
It sounds so lovely and I don't want to put a dampener on anything, but how are we gonna afford all this? - Gwen, listen.
- No, Pam.
I know what you gonna say, - but we don't want charity.
- It's not charity! You are not a charity! I'm not offering you my hand me downs, Gwen.
Listen My husband has promised me a decent holiday for the last three years.
Have I had one? Have I buggery.
It's payback time.
Mick will pay for everything.
End of.
Oh, thanks Pam! That is so kind.
- Fair play.
- That's very generous of you but No buts, Gwen.
Give me your hand.
Stacey? Nessa, join.
Now We are going to have the best wedding day since Prince Charles married the love of his life Camilla Parker Bowles.
- Hugs! - Oooh.
That's strong, isn't it? Yeah, you don't want too much of it.
What percent is it again? Ooh! I like it! And the funny thing is it's not my usual tipple.
Normally I like a Cinzano.
Cinzano I love your accent, Bryn! It's so much better than Stacey's.
Say something else! Go on.
All right, bear with me.
I got it.
'I'm going down the Arms Park for half a dark!' Now say something in Welsh, you know, IN Welsh.
- Well, that's the thing see.
I can't.
- How do you mean? I cannot speak the Welsh language.
It's a constant source of embarrassment to me but Welsh is not my mother tongue.
Why is that, Bryn? Every time I've been down there it seems that none of you can speak it.
You spend all that money on them signs and none of you can read them! I know of just one man in Barry that speaks Welsh.
Dick Powell.
Got a daughter Carol.
I don't know what's become of her.
I bumped into him in the butchers.
I was buying scrag ends, he was buying chump.
I said, 'Dick!' He turned to me.
I said, 'Why, why is it - you always speak in Welsh.
' - And what did he say? I don't know! I couldn't understand his reply.
Well, I can honestly say, I have no interest in learning any other languages apart from my own.
- I'm more than happy with English.
- And you can't even speak that! All right, Smithy? - What's she doing here? - I thought you knew.
I was gonna bring Lucy! Well, don't sleep with other women when you've got a girlfriend.
- No risk of me doin' her again.
- What's gone on there then, Smith? What?! That?! Leave it out.
Rydwi'n hoffi coffi.
It's Welsh.
I knewl knew it.
Only thing I can remember.
It either means I WANT a coffee or I LIKE a coffee.
Do you want a coffee? No, I'll stick to this.
Grab a plate everyone, help yourselves.
See, my eldest, Jason, he don't live with us no more, now he says exactly the same thing.
And he's left handed.
- And how old is Jason? - He'll be 28 in March.
See? Funny that, isn't it? No, you're all right.
Take it.
- No, you take it.
- I don't want it.
- Take it.
- It's fine.
I thought you liked taking it.
Right, that's out of order.
I've got a girlfriend, all right? Oh, get a life, Smithy.
- This is a cracking spread.
- Thanks, Gwen.
Just tuck in everyone, don't hold back.
Mick, if you're going to gnaw on the legs of helpless animals please have the decency not to do it under my nose.
Please.
Just respect my views.
As a vegetarian.
That'll be my nut roast.
I get 187 a week.
Bit of fiddlin', I get that upto 200.
I thought to myself I'm gonna buy a Picasso.
Citroen.
People told me, get second hand, don't buy new.
I said, 'Why, I'm gonna drive that car till the day I die.
'I don't have to worry about depreciation.
' Three year warranty or 60,000 miles, whichever comes first.
If I do 60,000 miles I will be a walking miracle.
- Do you drive, Nessa? - I don't, Mick.
Which is a shame cos I loves a good ride.
Right everyone.
Could I have your attention? Speech! Speech! First of all, we've had a great night tonight, it's been blindin'.
But we thought we ought to tell you all that - Oh, my God, you're pregnant! - No.
We've set a date.
We want to get married on the April 6th, which would have been Dad's 50th birthday.
Oh, that's lovely that is, Stace.
He'd have been so proud.
Is that April 6th next year or the April 6th as in only eight weeks from now? - As in eight weeks.
- I need a fag.
It's not ideal but it's do-able.
Mick, you're gonna have to call in a favour at the golf club tomorrow.
I'll ring up those lovely caterers that Dawn had for her mother's funeral.
That was a smashin' day.
- Now, as for the church.
- Mum.
We're getting married in Wales.
- What? - We're getting married in Barry.
- I don't think so.
- We are, Mum.
Oh, no you're not.
Mick, tell him.
- Look, let's talk about this tomorrow.
- What's the matter with Barry? BARRY ISLAND?! Where you gonna have the wedding reception - on the log flumes? We don't live on the actual Island! What's on the menu for the wedding breakfast - - hot dogs and candy floss? - What?! All served up by a gippo on a donkey? - I beg your pardon?! - Oh, don't worry about the honeymoon.
- Just go to Butlins! - Come on, Pam! Sssshhh.
If that's what they want, that's what we'll do.
I'm going for a smoke.
Michael, I am NO traipsing the best side of my family all the way down to Wales to see my son, my only son, get married in some dirty fairground! Well, I don't want my daughter getting married in Essex! What she gonna wear - a mini skirt and white stilettos? - Mum! Don't be so rude! - Calm down! You just keep out of this.
Pam, it is tradition for the bride to be married in her home town.
It's also tradition for the bride's family to pay for the wedding! - How do you mean? - You are paying for the lot! - Since when? You never said.
- Charming! So he didn't even know! - Stop stirring! - I just wish someone'd told me! - Your wife gave us a false impression.
- My dad's not loaded! Give it a rest, you leek munching sheep shagger! Look at yourselves! Will you just look at yourselves?! We live in a cynical world, a cynical, cynical world.
And tonight we have the chance to build a wonderful family that spreads across two nations.
And all that matters is that those two families are joined by these two young people.
Who cares where they get married? What matters is they are getting married.
The rest The golf clubs, the dresses, the cars, the moneys - it don't mean diddly.
All that matters is that on the 6th of April, Gavin and Stacey commit the rest of their lives to each other.
And I for one will be proud to be there when they do.
Wherever it is.
- Me too.
- Me too.
And me.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know what came over me.
It's fine.
- I think it's the menopause.
- I think it's the gin.
All right? Nessa! Your back's covered in mud! I know.
I fell over.
What? I fell over.