Get Smart (1965) s01e03 Episode Script
School Days
( ringing ) HELLO, CHIEF? THIS IS AGENT 86, MAXWELL SMART.
I'M ON THE STREET WHERE OUR ESPIONAGE TRAINING SCHOOL IS LOCATED.
I'M ABOUT TO MAKE MY CONTACTS.
OVER AND OUT.
CONTACTS MADE WITH PERFECT PRECISION, CHIEF.
I HAVE MY IDENTITY PAPERS, MY PASSWORD AND MY MORNING NEWSPAPER.
PASSWORD IS-- "WHEN THE MOON IS FULL THE TIDE IS HIGH.
" I LIKE THAT.
INCIDENTALLY, CHIEF, I'D LIKE TO COMPLIMENT YOU AND THE SECURITY BOYS.
THIS PLACE IS A BRILLIANT FRONT.
( doorbell rings ) GOOD MORNING.
WHEN THE MOON IS FULL THE TIDE IS HIGH.
YOU MUST WANT THE SPY SCHOOL.
THAT'S NEXT DOOR.
( theme music playing ) ( humming ) - GOOD MORNING.
- OH, GOOD MORNING.
MY NAME IS LOOMIS.
AH, YES, ALEXANDER LOOMIS.
WELCOME TO THE TRAINING SCHOOL, LOOMIS.
I'M ONE OF YOUR SPECIAL INSTRUCTORS.
- HELLO, 99.
- HOW ARE YOU, 86? - DID YOU FIND OUT ANYTHING YET? - NO.
ALL WE KNOW SO FAR IS THAT SOMEONE IN THE SCHOOL IS A KAOS INFILTRATOR.
I'VE BEEN HERE A WHOLE WEEK AND SO FAR HE HASN'T MADE ONE MISTAKE.
IF WE DON'T FIND HIM, KAOS WILL KNOW THE IDENTITY - OF EVERY AGENT IN THE TRAINING SCHOOL.
- OH, RIGHT.
( scratching at door ) I'D KNOW THAT SCRATCH ANYWHERE.
WHAT'S HE DOING HERE? HE'S BACK FOR A REFRESHER COURSE.
OH.
NOW LISTEN, FANG-- I'M HERE AS A NEW TRAINEE AND I'M GOING UNDER THE COVER NAME "LOOMIS.
" SO TRY AND ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
- ( whimpers ) - GOOD BOY.
WE'RE DUE IN THE TRAINING YARD FOR CLASSES.
UNTIL YOU'RE CLEAR THE SCHOOL'S GOING TO BE UNDER MAXIMUM SECURITY.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? - YOU'LL SEE.
- YOU STAY HERE, MORRIS.
- ( whimpers ) BYE, MORRIS.
- MORRIS? - THAT'S HIS COVER.
- ONE OF OUR NEW TRAINEES? - YES, SIR.
I'M LOOMIS ALEXANDER.
I'M MR.
WATSON, DEAN OF THE SCHOOL; AND THIS IS HILLARY GAINSBOROUGH - FROM CONTROL'S LONDON SECTION.
- DELIGHTED TO MEET YOU, LOOMIS.
AS A MATTER OF FACT I'M NEW HERE MYSELF.
I'M JUST IN TO GIVE YOU CHAPS INSTRUCTIONS IN THE NEW SPECIAL WEAPONS.
NEW, EH? AND BRITISH? WHAT WAS MICKY MANTLE'S BATTING AVERAGE IN 1961? I, UH, I DON'T KNOW.
CORRECT, BECAUSE IF YOU DID KNOW YOU'D BE AMERICAN, NOT BRITISH.
A NEW TRAINEE CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL.
- SMART.
- NO, LOOMIS.
WOULD YOU INTRODUCE THE NEW MAN TO OUR OTHER TRAINEES? YES I WILL, SIR.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
HE'S ONE OF THE NEW TRAINEES.
( blows whistle ) ( yells ) - HMM, NOT BAD.
- ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH KARATE? ARE YOU KIDDING? WHY, KARATE HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF MY FAVORITE HOBBIES.
WITH ONE PERFECTLY TIMED CHOP OF MY HAND I CAN BREAK EIGHT BOARDS THIS THICK.
WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT? EIGHT.
I FIND IT VERY DIFFICULT TO BELIEVE.
- WOULD YOU BELIEVE SEVEN? - I DON'T THINK SO.
HOW ABOUT A LOAF OF BREAD? IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I MUST REJOIN MY CLASS.
RUNDOWN ON THE REST OF THE NEW TRAINEES.
OKAY.
THEIR NAMES ARE DIMITRI, ZUKOR, AND GRILLAK.
THEY'VE ALL BEEN SENT HERE BY OUR EUROPEAN BUREAU.
MM-HMM.
I HAVE A THEORY THAT IT'S ONE OF THESE THREE.
THE MINUTE I SEE THEM I'LL BE ABLE TO PICK OUT THE ENEMY AGENT.
YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOUR CHANCE RIGHT AWAY.
THEY'RE ALL RIGHT OVER THERE TOGETHER.
MM-HMM.
OKAY, NOW LET'S TEST MY THEORY.
THAT'S GRILLAK, THAT'S DIMITRI AND THAT'S ZUKOR.
Hillary: PREPARE TO THROW THROW! - I HAVE ANOTHER THEORY.
- ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN, IF YOU'LL ALL GATHER AROUND THE TABLE HERE-- OH, LOOMIS, WOULD YOU JOIN US PLEASE? WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO SHOW YOU FIRST OF ALL IS ONE OF CONTROL'S LATEST WEAPONS.
THIS IS A MULTIPART AUTOMATIC MACHINE PISTOL WHICH CAN BE PUT TOGETHER IN PRECISELY THREE SECONDS.
NOW YOU'LL SEE THAT ALL THE PARTS FIT VERY NEATLY INTO THIS COMPACT LITTLE CASE.
WELL, YOU'LL ALL GET A CHANCE TO WORK WITH THAT LATER.
BUT FIRST OF ALL LET'S HAVE A PRACTICAL DEMONSTRATION OF AN ENTIRELY NEW WEAPON: THAT IS, THE WRISTWATCH STRANGLING WIRE.
NOW, WE'VE ALL GONE INTO THIS IN THEORY.
LET'S SEE HOW YOU WORK WITH IT.
NOW GRILLAK AND DIMITRI, HMM? AND HERE'S ONE FOR YOU, LOOMIS.
WATCH THEM CAREFULLY BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE NEXT, HMM? READY.
FINE.
NOW THEN, ZUKOR AND LOOMIS.
( twangs ) WHAT HAPPENED, LOOMIS? I PULLED OUT THE WATCH SPRING.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S FINISH WITH THE HATS.
NOW REMEMBER, GENTLEMEN, THAT THESE HATS HAVE A RAZOR-SHARP EDGE.
THEY CAN BE A DEADLY WEAPON WHEN THEY ARE PROPERLY HANDLED.
RIGHT.
ZUKOR, YOU'RE FIRST.
LET'S SEE YOU TAKE THE HEAD OFF THE DUMMY.
GOOD, ZUKOR.
NOW LOOMIS.
AND REMEMBER, LOOMIS-- NICE, EASY ACTION.
YES, JUST A QUICK FLICK OF THE WRIST AND A FULL FOLLOW-THROUGH.
( glass shatters ) I'VE WARNED YOU PEOPLE LONG ENOUGH! THIS TIME YOU DON'T GET THE HAT BACK! ONE OF THOSE THREE TRAINEES IS THE IMPOSTOR, - I'M SURE OF IT.
- BUT HOW COULD AN IMPOSTOR HAVE GOTTEN INTO THE SCHOOL? THE SAME WAY THAT I DID.
REMEMBER, I'M NOT REALLY ALEXANDER LOOMIS.
OH, YOU MEAN THAT KAOS COULD HAVE SUBSTITUTED ONE OF THEIR AGENTS FOR THE REAL DIMITRI, ZUKOR OR GRILLAK.
- EXACTLY.
- AH.
NOW I HAVE HERE THE ORIGINAL CONTROL FILES.
NOW IF ANY OF THOSE THREE DON'T MATCH THE SCHOOL FILES IN THAT SAFE, WE'VE GOT OUR IMPOSTOR.
I BROUGHT THE PLASTIC IMPACT BOMB YOU WANTED.
GOOD.
BE CAREFUL, 99.
NOW THIS WILL OPEN THE SAFE WITHOUT DESTROYING CONTROL PROPERTY.
I WOULD HAVE ASKED THE DEAN FOR THE COMBINATION BUT I WOULD HAVE HAD TO REVEAL MY OWN IDENTITY.
NOW THE BOMB IS PERFECTLY HARMLESS BUT THE IMPACT WILL OPEN ANYTHING.
FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE-- DUCK! IT OPENED EVERYTHING BUT THE SAFE.
- LET ME READ THOSE INSTRUCTIONS AGAIN.
- MAX, WE'D BETTER HURRY.
THERE'S NO NEED TO HURRY, MISS WHATEVER-YOUR-NAME-IS, BECAUSE YOU'LL BOTH BE SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIVES IN PRISON.
MAX, YOU'D BETTER TELL HIM THE TRUTH.
I'M MAXWELL SMART, AGENT 86.
THAT'S A LIKELY STORY.
YOU CAN CALL CONTROL HEADQUARTERS AND THE CHIEF WILL IDENTIFY HIM.
- DOES HE HAVE TO? - WHY, ARE YOU AFRAID I'LL FIND OUT THAT YOU'RE LYING? NO, I'M AFRAID YOU'LL TELL HIM I'M FLUNKING WEAPONS CLASS.
- MAX! - WHAT IS IT, 99? I JUST HEARD RUNNING FOOTSTEPS IN THE HALL.
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? - I'M A LITTLE TIRED BUT I'M OKAY.
MAX! LOOK! - OH! - OH! - 99, I'VE GOT A HUNCH.
- WHAT IS IT? THIS WAS NO ACCIDENT.
HELLO, SMART.
IT'S ALL RIGHT, SMART.
GAINSBOROUGH TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR TRUE IDENTITY AND THE ATTEMPT ON YOUR LIFE.
ANY IDEA WHO TRIED TO KILL YOU? JUDGING FROM THE ANGLE THE KNIVES HIT, THEY HAD TO BE THROWN BY A LEFT HANDED MAN.
THAT SHOULD NARROW IT DOWN.
NOT NECESSARILY.
ALL THREE SUSPECTS ARE LEFT HANDED.
WHAT ABOUT THE FILES? DID YOU FIND ANYTHING THERE TO HELP YOU? YES, WELL, ACCORDING TO THE CONTROL FILES ANY ONE OF THE THREE SUSPECTS COULD HAVE BEEN THE IMPOSTOR.
NOW THE CONTROL FILE ON DIMITRI SHOWS THAT HE SPEAKS A RARE EAST HIMALAYAN DIALECT, YET THE SCHOOL FILE MAKES NO MENTION OF IT.
YES, AND THE CONTROL FILE ON ZUKOR SHOWS THAT HE HAS AN UNUSUAL AND EXTREMELY DISTINCTIVE HANDWRITING, AND YET THE SCHOOL FILE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A EXAMPLE OF ZUKOR'S HANDWRITING.
AND ACCORDING TO THE CONTROL FILE ON GRILLAK, HE HAS A HEART-SHAPED BIRTHMARK ON HIS RIGHT KNEE, YET THE SCHOOL FILE HAS NO RECORD OF IT.
SO WE'RE GONNA CHECK THEM ALL OUT-- DIMITRI'S DIALECT, ZUKOR'S HANDWRITING AND GRILLAK'S BIRTHMARK.
- ( man screaming ) - AH, THERE'S GRILLAK NOW.
I THINK I CAN SNEAK A LOOK AT HIS RIGHT KNEE WHILE I'M SOFTENING HIM UP WITH A LITTLE JUDO.
YES, I THINK I'LL START WITH GRILLAK.
- HI-YAH! - HAO! - HI-YAH! - HI-YAH! - HI-YAH! - HAWH! HI-YAAAH! HI-YAH! SO MUCH FOR GRILLAK.
NOW FOR DIMITRI.
- THERE'S DIMITRI.
- OH, GOOD.
NOW YOU CAN CHECK ON HIS RARE EAST HIMALAYAN DIALECT.
YES, AND I KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO DO IT.
AS A MATTER OF FACT I HEARD A VERY FUNNY EAST HIMALAYAN JOKE THE OTHER DAY.
- I'LL TELL IT TO DIMITRI.
- OKAY.
HI, DIMITRI.
UH DIMITRI, YOU LOOK LIKE A FELLA WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR.
WANT TO HEAR A GOOD JOKE? - IF YOU WISH.
- YES.
WELL, THERE WAS THIS EAST HIMALAYAN TRAVELING SALESMAN, SEE? AND HIS OXCART BROKE DOWN IN FRONT OF A FARMHOUSE.
HE WENT UP AND KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND THE FARMER OPENED THE DOOR.
AND THE TRAVELING SALESMAN SAID, "OH OH OH HAY MAHU SAVALLY NAH NEY.
" AND THE FARMER REPLIED, "AHKA MAHKA SOO SOO.
" ( Max laughing ) ISN'T THAT A SCREAM? - HE DIDN'T LAUGH.
- YES.
- HE MUST BE THE IMPOSTOR.
- MAYBE HE HEARD THE JOKE BEFORE.
- OH.
- ON THE OTHER HAND I MAY HAVE TOLD IT WRONG.
ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN, IN THIS CLASS WE ARE GOING TO PRACTICE SENDING SECRET MESSAGES TO OUR CONTACTS.
ZUKOR, WHY DON'T YOU WORK WITH LOOMIS HERE? NOW I'D LIKE YOU TO WRITE A SECRET MESSAGE HERE-- "EXECUTE BLUE PLAN," AND SIGN IT "ZUKOR.
" ZUKOR, WHY DON'T YOU WRITE ON MY BACK? IT'LL BE A LOT EASIER.
( softly ) IF HIS HANDWRITING DOESN'T MATCH THE HANDWRITING IN THE CONTROL ROOM FILE, HE'S OUR MAN.
AND ONE FOR YOU.
NOW LET'S TAKE OUR STARTING POSITIONS.
READY, AND GO.
VERY GOOD, ZUKOR.
WE'LL PRACTICE THAT AGAIN TOMORROW.
IS IT NOT PROPER PROCEDURE FOR AN AGENT WHO HAS RECEIVED A MESSAGE TO MEMORIZE AND DESTROY IT? UM, WELL YES.
( mouthing words ) WE'VE GOT HIM.
AN EXAMPLE OF HIS HANDWRITING AND SIGNATURE.
THANKS TO MY SPECIAL JACKET WITH THE CARBON-PAPER LINING.
- GOOD WORK, 86.
- THANK YOU, 99.
THANK YOU.
WE STILL HAVE NO PROOF WHETHER DIMITRI OR ZUKOR IS THE REAL IMPOSTOR.
YES, BUT WE HAVEN'T QUITE FINISHED CHECKING OUT THAT BABY YET.
- GRILLAK? - YES, I FEEL I SHOULD TAKE ANOTHER CRACK AT HIM.
JUST REMEMBER, MAX-- THE REAL GRILLAK HAS A HEART-SHAPED BIRTHMARK ON HIS RIGHT KNEE.
MMM.
AND IF HE DOESN'T HAVE IT, THEN HE'S THE IMPOSTOR.
RIGHT.
HI-YAH! YAAH! OOH! ALL RIGHT, GRILLAK, GET UP.
WELL GRILLAK, YOU HAD ME FOOLED FOR A WHILE, BUT THE MINUTE I-- SAW MY OWN LEG I KNEW YOU WERE ALL RIGHT.
( clears throat ) WHERE'S GAINSBOROUGH? HE WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET ME HERE.
MAX, I DON'T LIKE YOUR PLAN.
YOU COULD BE KILLED.
YES I KNOW, BUT WE'VE GOT TO FLUSH THAT KAOS INFILTRATOR OUT INTO THE OPEN.
BUT YOU'RE DELIBERATELY SETTING YOURSELF UP AS A TARGET.
YOU'LL BE IN EXTREME DANGER EVERY MINUTE.
AND LOVING IT.
- THERE'S GAINSBOROUGH NOW.
- OH.
I'LL GO OVER THERE AND SPEAK DISTINCTLY SO EACH OF THE SUSPECTS WON'T MISS A WORD I'M SAYING.
- OKAY.
- RIGHT.
NOW, GENTLEMEN, AS YOU KNOW, UPON OCCASION AN AGENT MAY BE CALLED UPON TO READ LIPS FROM A DISTANCE.
FOR THIS, OF COURSE, YOU USE YOUR HIGH-POWERED BINOCULARS.
SHALL WE GIVE THAT A TRY? OH LOOK, THERE'S LOOMIS TALKING TO MR.
GAINSBOROUGH.
SEE IF YOU CAN SEE WHAT THEY'RE SAYING.
I'D LIKE YOU AND THE DEAN AND THE REST OF THE TRAINEES TO MEET ME IN MY ROOM IN ONE HOUR.
THAT'S 5:30.
THE DEAN AND I HAVE A MEETING AT 5:15 BUT I'M SURE WE CAN MAKE IT.
- NOW WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT? - UH, YES, WELL, I'M GOING TO REVEAL THE FACT THAT I AM CONTROL AGENT 86 AND THAT I KNOW THE IDENTITY OF THE KAOS INFILTRATOR AND THAT I AM GOING TO NAME THE IMPOSTOR.
( underbrush rustling ) ( bullet ricochets ) - DID YOU SEE HIM? - NO, BUT HE MUST BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.
- I'LL TRY TO FLUSH HIM OUT.
- RIGHT.
I'LL OPEN THIS CASE AND I'LL HAVE THIS GUN PUT TOGETHER IN THREE SECONDS AND I'LL BE READY FOR HIM.
OH MAX, IF ANYTHING SHOULD HAPPEN OH! OOH! ( bullets ricocheting ) HMMM, HE MUST BE OUT OF AMMUNITION.
NOW IF I CAN JUST OPEN THIS CASE, HE'S HAD IT.
( gun handle thumps ) IT'S NO USE.
DID YOU SEE WHO IT WAS, 99? NO, HE KNOCKED ME OUT TOO.
HELP! IT'S NO USE YELLING, 99.
WE'VE BEEN SCREAMING OUR HEADS OFF FOR 15 MINUTES.
IT'S OBVIOUS NO ONE CAN HEAR US.
HELP! MAX, HOW ARE WE GONNA GET HELP? THIS DYNAMITE'S GOING TO GO OFF ANY MINUTE.
- I KNOW.
WHEN THAT FLAME HITS THE FUSE WE'VE HAD IT.
- OHH - I KNOW - WHAT? - FANG.
- AGENT K-13! OF COURSE! HE'LL HEAR MY SIGNAL NO MATTER WHERE HE IS.
OH! I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING.
OF COURSE NOT, 99.
ONLY DOGS CAN HEAR THAT.
- GOOD BOY, FANG! - LOOK, IT'S FANG! - BLOW OUT THE CANDLES.
- QUICK.
- ( barks ) - NO NO, DON'T YELL, FANG.
BLOW OUT THE CANDLE.
GO ON! - BLOW OUT THE CANDLE.
- BLOW OUT THE CANDLE, FANG.
COME ON, FANG! COME ON, BOY! BLOW OUT THE CANDLE.
QUICK, FANG, PLEASE BLOW OUT THE CANDLE.
OH, IT LOOKS HOPELESS.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
( singing birthday song ) ( both singing birthday song ) ( blows ) I DON'T THINK HE'S GOING TO SHOW UP.
MAYBE HE'S TIED UP SOMEPLACE.
LET'S GIVE HIM A FEW MORE MINUTES.
IT'S VITAL TO DISCOVER THE NAME OF THE KAOS INFILTRATOR.
I CERTAINLY HOPE IT IS NOT ME.
WELL GENTLEMEN, I'M SURE ONE OF YOU IS SURPRISED TO SEE US HERE-- THE MAN WHO TRIED TO BLOW US UP JUST LUCKILY I'VE HAD MY EYE ON ONE SUSPECT FROM THE VERY BEGINNING.
ZUKOR, WRITE YOUR NAME ON THAT PAD.
WITH THE HANDWRITING OF THE REAL ZUKOR IN THE CONTROL FILES.
IF IT DOESN'T MATCH, HE'S OUR MAN.
- THEY MATCH.
- IT MATCHES.
OKAY, THAT BRINGS US TO DIMITRI.
NOW ACCORDING TO THE CONTROL FILES, DIMITRI, YOU SPEAK A RARE EAST HIMALAYAN DIALECT.
YET WHEN I TOLD YOU AN EAST HIMALAYAN JOKE, YOU DIDN'T LAUGH.
WELL, THIS IS A JOKE BOOK-- WITH EVERY EAST HIMALAYAN JOKE.
ALL SIX OF THEM.
NOW LET'S SEE IF YOU REALLY KNOW THE LANGUAGE.
IF YOU DON'T YOU'RE THE IMPOSTOR.
"AN EAST HIMALAYAN BUM WALKED UP TO ME ON THE STREET ONE DAY AND SAID, 'AHNA HOHO HUNI AHA AWAHI TEE HEE.
' AND I SAID--" WHAT'S THE PUNCH LINE? "I SAID 'YEHI TAIYO RECAHAMAH.
'" ( mouthing words ) ( chuckles ) THAT'S VERY FUNNY, DIMITRI.
HERE'S A GOOD ONE-- "TWO SCOTCHMEN WERE WALKING DOWN THE STREET ONE DAY" MAX GRILLAK.
OH.
THAT LEAVES US WITH JUST ONE SUSPECT: GRILLAK.
GRILLAK, I WANT TO SEE YOUR RIGHT KNEE.
THE ONLY THING THAT CAN SAVE YOU IS IF YOU HAVE A HEART-SHAPED BIRTHMARK ON YOUR RIGHT KNEE.
AHA, JUST AS I THOUGHT-- A HEART-SHAPED BIRTHMARK ON YOUR RIGHT KNEE.
THERE YOU HAVE IT, GENTLEMEN, ANOTHER WONDERFUL THEORY DOWN THE DRAIN.
HOWEVER I THINK I'M ENTITLED TO ONE FREE GUESS.
AND MY GUESS IS THAT IT'S HILLARY GAINSBOROUGH.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, SMART.
I KNOW WHAT HILLARY GAINSBOROUGH LOOKS LIKE.
- HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF PLASTIC SURGERY? - YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT.
AND IN ANY CASE, FOR THE PAST 15 MINUTES I WAS WITH DEAN WATSON AT 5:15, JUST THE TIME YOU SAY SOMEBODY TRIED TO BLOW YOU UP.
YES, WELL I CHECKED THAT CANDLE THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BURN DOWN AND SET OFF THE DYNAMITE, AND THAT CANDLE WAS SET FOR 5:20, WHICH WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU A PERFECT ALIBI.
AND YOU ACCUSE ME ON THIS FLIMSY EVIDENCE? NO, I HAVE SOME MORE FLIMSY EVIDENCE.
AHA! NOTICE, GAINSBOROUGH, YOU CAUGHT IT WITH YOUR LEFT HAND.
THE FIRST ATTEMPT ON MY LIFE WAS MADE BY A LEFT-HANDED KNIFE THROWER.
GRILLAK, ZUKOR AND DIMITRI ARE ALL LEFT HANDED.
YES, BUT THEY HAD NO REASON TO SUSPECT ME THEN.
YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNEW THAT I WAS MAXWELL SMART! ALL RIGHT, SMART! YOU'VE OUTSMARTED ME.
I-- I CONFESS.
ON THE OTHER HAND, THE DEAN-- - YOU WHAT? - I CONFESS.
OH.
TO WHAT? MAX, HE'S THE IMPOSTOR! OH, YES, OF COURSE.
ALL RIGHT, MEN, GET HIM OUT OF HERE.
MARVELOUS PIECE OF DEDUCTION, SMART.
AMAZING HOW YOU GOT HILLARY TO CONFESS.
YES, AND IT'S A GOOD THING FOR YOU, DEAN, THAT I DID.
- WHY IS THAT? - BECAUSE YOU AND I WERE THE ONLY SUSPECTS LEFT.
AND I WAS FAIRLY CERTAIN ABOUT I.
- ME.
- YOU? WHY, I NEVER SUSPECTED YOU FOR A MOMENT, 99.
- NO, I DIDN'T MEAN IN THAT SENSE, MAX.
- SHE MEANT "I" AND "ME.
" - YOU TOO? - NO NO YOU REALLY DID A MARVELOUS JOB, MAX.
THANK YOU, 99.
GO ON, FANG.
GET IN THERE.
( barks ) I THINK THE CHIEF WILL BE PARTICULARLY PLEASED BECAUSE WE CAPTURED THE KAOS INFILTRATOR.
UH, I'LL DRIVE, FANG, THANK YOU.
COME ON.
AND BEST OF ALL, MAX, THE SECURITY OF OUR ESPIONAGE SCHOOL - HASN'T BEEN VIOLATED.
- THAT'S RIGHT, 99.
AND THERE'S NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN SECURITY.
NOTHING.
WHY, WITHOUT SECURITY NONE OF US WOULD BE SAFE.
EXCUSE ME.
IS THIS MRS.
GREEN'S HOUSE? NO, THAT'S THE SPY SCHOOL.
MRS.
GREEN'S HOUSE IS OVER THERE.
( theme music playing )
I'M ON THE STREET WHERE OUR ESPIONAGE TRAINING SCHOOL IS LOCATED.
I'M ABOUT TO MAKE MY CONTACTS.
OVER AND OUT.
CONTACTS MADE WITH PERFECT PRECISION, CHIEF.
I HAVE MY IDENTITY PAPERS, MY PASSWORD AND MY MORNING NEWSPAPER.
PASSWORD IS-- "WHEN THE MOON IS FULL THE TIDE IS HIGH.
" I LIKE THAT.
INCIDENTALLY, CHIEF, I'D LIKE TO COMPLIMENT YOU AND THE SECURITY BOYS.
THIS PLACE IS A BRILLIANT FRONT.
( doorbell rings ) GOOD MORNING.
WHEN THE MOON IS FULL THE TIDE IS HIGH.
YOU MUST WANT THE SPY SCHOOL.
THAT'S NEXT DOOR.
( theme music playing ) ( humming ) - GOOD MORNING.
- OH, GOOD MORNING.
MY NAME IS LOOMIS.
AH, YES, ALEXANDER LOOMIS.
WELCOME TO THE TRAINING SCHOOL, LOOMIS.
I'M ONE OF YOUR SPECIAL INSTRUCTORS.
- HELLO, 99.
- HOW ARE YOU, 86? - DID YOU FIND OUT ANYTHING YET? - NO.
ALL WE KNOW SO FAR IS THAT SOMEONE IN THE SCHOOL IS A KAOS INFILTRATOR.
I'VE BEEN HERE A WHOLE WEEK AND SO FAR HE HASN'T MADE ONE MISTAKE.
IF WE DON'T FIND HIM, KAOS WILL KNOW THE IDENTITY - OF EVERY AGENT IN THE TRAINING SCHOOL.
- OH, RIGHT.
( scratching at door ) I'D KNOW THAT SCRATCH ANYWHERE.
WHAT'S HE DOING HERE? HE'S BACK FOR A REFRESHER COURSE.
OH.
NOW LISTEN, FANG-- I'M HERE AS A NEW TRAINEE AND I'M GOING UNDER THE COVER NAME "LOOMIS.
" SO TRY AND ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
- ( whimpers ) - GOOD BOY.
WE'RE DUE IN THE TRAINING YARD FOR CLASSES.
UNTIL YOU'RE CLEAR THE SCHOOL'S GOING TO BE UNDER MAXIMUM SECURITY.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? - YOU'LL SEE.
- YOU STAY HERE, MORRIS.
- ( whimpers ) BYE, MORRIS.
- MORRIS? - THAT'S HIS COVER.
- ONE OF OUR NEW TRAINEES? - YES, SIR.
I'M LOOMIS ALEXANDER.
I'M MR.
WATSON, DEAN OF THE SCHOOL; AND THIS IS HILLARY GAINSBOROUGH - FROM CONTROL'S LONDON SECTION.
- DELIGHTED TO MEET YOU, LOOMIS.
AS A MATTER OF FACT I'M NEW HERE MYSELF.
I'M JUST IN TO GIVE YOU CHAPS INSTRUCTIONS IN THE NEW SPECIAL WEAPONS.
NEW, EH? AND BRITISH? WHAT WAS MICKY MANTLE'S BATTING AVERAGE IN 1961? I, UH, I DON'T KNOW.
CORRECT, BECAUSE IF YOU DID KNOW YOU'D BE AMERICAN, NOT BRITISH.
A NEW TRAINEE CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL.
- SMART.
- NO, LOOMIS.
WOULD YOU INTRODUCE THE NEW MAN TO OUR OTHER TRAINEES? YES I WILL, SIR.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
HE'S ONE OF THE NEW TRAINEES.
( blows whistle ) ( yells ) - HMM, NOT BAD.
- ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH KARATE? ARE YOU KIDDING? WHY, KARATE HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF MY FAVORITE HOBBIES.
WITH ONE PERFECTLY TIMED CHOP OF MY HAND I CAN BREAK EIGHT BOARDS THIS THICK.
WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT? EIGHT.
I FIND IT VERY DIFFICULT TO BELIEVE.
- WOULD YOU BELIEVE SEVEN? - I DON'T THINK SO.
HOW ABOUT A LOAF OF BREAD? IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I MUST REJOIN MY CLASS.
RUNDOWN ON THE REST OF THE NEW TRAINEES.
OKAY.
THEIR NAMES ARE DIMITRI, ZUKOR, AND GRILLAK.
THEY'VE ALL BEEN SENT HERE BY OUR EUROPEAN BUREAU.
MM-HMM.
I HAVE A THEORY THAT IT'S ONE OF THESE THREE.
THE MINUTE I SEE THEM I'LL BE ABLE TO PICK OUT THE ENEMY AGENT.
YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOUR CHANCE RIGHT AWAY.
THEY'RE ALL RIGHT OVER THERE TOGETHER.
MM-HMM.
OKAY, NOW LET'S TEST MY THEORY.
THAT'S GRILLAK, THAT'S DIMITRI AND THAT'S ZUKOR.
Hillary: PREPARE TO THROW THROW! - I HAVE ANOTHER THEORY.
- ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN, IF YOU'LL ALL GATHER AROUND THE TABLE HERE-- OH, LOOMIS, WOULD YOU JOIN US PLEASE? WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO SHOW YOU FIRST OF ALL IS ONE OF CONTROL'S LATEST WEAPONS.
THIS IS A MULTIPART AUTOMATIC MACHINE PISTOL WHICH CAN BE PUT TOGETHER IN PRECISELY THREE SECONDS.
NOW YOU'LL SEE THAT ALL THE PARTS FIT VERY NEATLY INTO THIS COMPACT LITTLE CASE.
WELL, YOU'LL ALL GET A CHANCE TO WORK WITH THAT LATER.
BUT FIRST OF ALL LET'S HAVE A PRACTICAL DEMONSTRATION OF AN ENTIRELY NEW WEAPON: THAT IS, THE WRISTWATCH STRANGLING WIRE.
NOW, WE'VE ALL GONE INTO THIS IN THEORY.
LET'S SEE HOW YOU WORK WITH IT.
NOW GRILLAK AND DIMITRI, HMM? AND HERE'S ONE FOR YOU, LOOMIS.
WATCH THEM CAREFULLY BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE NEXT, HMM? READY.
FINE.
NOW THEN, ZUKOR AND LOOMIS.
( twangs ) WHAT HAPPENED, LOOMIS? I PULLED OUT THE WATCH SPRING.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S FINISH WITH THE HATS.
NOW REMEMBER, GENTLEMEN, THAT THESE HATS HAVE A RAZOR-SHARP EDGE.
THEY CAN BE A DEADLY WEAPON WHEN THEY ARE PROPERLY HANDLED.
RIGHT.
ZUKOR, YOU'RE FIRST.
LET'S SEE YOU TAKE THE HEAD OFF THE DUMMY.
GOOD, ZUKOR.
NOW LOOMIS.
AND REMEMBER, LOOMIS-- NICE, EASY ACTION.
YES, JUST A QUICK FLICK OF THE WRIST AND A FULL FOLLOW-THROUGH.
( glass shatters ) I'VE WARNED YOU PEOPLE LONG ENOUGH! THIS TIME YOU DON'T GET THE HAT BACK! ONE OF THOSE THREE TRAINEES IS THE IMPOSTOR, - I'M SURE OF IT.
- BUT HOW COULD AN IMPOSTOR HAVE GOTTEN INTO THE SCHOOL? THE SAME WAY THAT I DID.
REMEMBER, I'M NOT REALLY ALEXANDER LOOMIS.
OH, YOU MEAN THAT KAOS COULD HAVE SUBSTITUTED ONE OF THEIR AGENTS FOR THE REAL DIMITRI, ZUKOR OR GRILLAK.
- EXACTLY.
- AH.
NOW I HAVE HERE THE ORIGINAL CONTROL FILES.
NOW IF ANY OF THOSE THREE DON'T MATCH THE SCHOOL FILES IN THAT SAFE, WE'VE GOT OUR IMPOSTOR.
I BROUGHT THE PLASTIC IMPACT BOMB YOU WANTED.
GOOD.
BE CAREFUL, 99.
NOW THIS WILL OPEN THE SAFE WITHOUT DESTROYING CONTROL PROPERTY.
I WOULD HAVE ASKED THE DEAN FOR THE COMBINATION BUT I WOULD HAVE HAD TO REVEAL MY OWN IDENTITY.
NOW THE BOMB IS PERFECTLY HARMLESS BUT THE IMPACT WILL OPEN ANYTHING.
FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE-- DUCK! IT OPENED EVERYTHING BUT THE SAFE.
- LET ME READ THOSE INSTRUCTIONS AGAIN.
- MAX, WE'D BETTER HURRY.
THERE'S NO NEED TO HURRY, MISS WHATEVER-YOUR-NAME-IS, BECAUSE YOU'LL BOTH BE SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIVES IN PRISON.
MAX, YOU'D BETTER TELL HIM THE TRUTH.
I'M MAXWELL SMART, AGENT 86.
THAT'S A LIKELY STORY.
YOU CAN CALL CONTROL HEADQUARTERS AND THE CHIEF WILL IDENTIFY HIM.
- DOES HE HAVE TO? - WHY, ARE YOU AFRAID I'LL FIND OUT THAT YOU'RE LYING? NO, I'M AFRAID YOU'LL TELL HIM I'M FLUNKING WEAPONS CLASS.
- MAX! - WHAT IS IT, 99? I JUST HEARD RUNNING FOOTSTEPS IN THE HALL.
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? - I'M A LITTLE TIRED BUT I'M OKAY.
MAX! LOOK! - OH! - OH! - 99, I'VE GOT A HUNCH.
- WHAT IS IT? THIS WAS NO ACCIDENT.
HELLO, SMART.
IT'S ALL RIGHT, SMART.
GAINSBOROUGH TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR TRUE IDENTITY AND THE ATTEMPT ON YOUR LIFE.
ANY IDEA WHO TRIED TO KILL YOU? JUDGING FROM THE ANGLE THE KNIVES HIT, THEY HAD TO BE THROWN BY A LEFT HANDED MAN.
THAT SHOULD NARROW IT DOWN.
NOT NECESSARILY.
ALL THREE SUSPECTS ARE LEFT HANDED.
WHAT ABOUT THE FILES? DID YOU FIND ANYTHING THERE TO HELP YOU? YES, WELL, ACCORDING TO THE CONTROL FILES ANY ONE OF THE THREE SUSPECTS COULD HAVE BEEN THE IMPOSTOR.
NOW THE CONTROL FILE ON DIMITRI SHOWS THAT HE SPEAKS A RARE EAST HIMALAYAN DIALECT, YET THE SCHOOL FILE MAKES NO MENTION OF IT.
YES, AND THE CONTROL FILE ON ZUKOR SHOWS THAT HE HAS AN UNUSUAL AND EXTREMELY DISTINCTIVE HANDWRITING, AND YET THE SCHOOL FILE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A EXAMPLE OF ZUKOR'S HANDWRITING.
AND ACCORDING TO THE CONTROL FILE ON GRILLAK, HE HAS A HEART-SHAPED BIRTHMARK ON HIS RIGHT KNEE, YET THE SCHOOL FILE HAS NO RECORD OF IT.
SO WE'RE GONNA CHECK THEM ALL OUT-- DIMITRI'S DIALECT, ZUKOR'S HANDWRITING AND GRILLAK'S BIRTHMARK.
- ( man screaming ) - AH, THERE'S GRILLAK NOW.
I THINK I CAN SNEAK A LOOK AT HIS RIGHT KNEE WHILE I'M SOFTENING HIM UP WITH A LITTLE JUDO.
YES, I THINK I'LL START WITH GRILLAK.
- HI-YAH! - HAO! - HI-YAH! - HI-YAH! - HI-YAH! - HAWH! HI-YAAAH! HI-YAH! SO MUCH FOR GRILLAK.
NOW FOR DIMITRI.
- THERE'S DIMITRI.
- OH, GOOD.
NOW YOU CAN CHECK ON HIS RARE EAST HIMALAYAN DIALECT.
YES, AND I KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO DO IT.
AS A MATTER OF FACT I HEARD A VERY FUNNY EAST HIMALAYAN JOKE THE OTHER DAY.
- I'LL TELL IT TO DIMITRI.
- OKAY.
HI, DIMITRI.
UH DIMITRI, YOU LOOK LIKE A FELLA WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR.
WANT TO HEAR A GOOD JOKE? - IF YOU WISH.
- YES.
WELL, THERE WAS THIS EAST HIMALAYAN TRAVELING SALESMAN, SEE? AND HIS OXCART BROKE DOWN IN FRONT OF A FARMHOUSE.
HE WENT UP AND KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND THE FARMER OPENED THE DOOR.
AND THE TRAVELING SALESMAN SAID, "OH OH OH HAY MAHU SAVALLY NAH NEY.
" AND THE FARMER REPLIED, "AHKA MAHKA SOO SOO.
" ( Max laughing ) ISN'T THAT A SCREAM? - HE DIDN'T LAUGH.
- YES.
- HE MUST BE THE IMPOSTOR.
- MAYBE HE HEARD THE JOKE BEFORE.
- OH.
- ON THE OTHER HAND I MAY HAVE TOLD IT WRONG.
ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN, IN THIS CLASS WE ARE GOING TO PRACTICE SENDING SECRET MESSAGES TO OUR CONTACTS.
ZUKOR, WHY DON'T YOU WORK WITH LOOMIS HERE? NOW I'D LIKE YOU TO WRITE A SECRET MESSAGE HERE-- "EXECUTE BLUE PLAN," AND SIGN IT "ZUKOR.
" ZUKOR, WHY DON'T YOU WRITE ON MY BACK? IT'LL BE A LOT EASIER.
( softly ) IF HIS HANDWRITING DOESN'T MATCH THE HANDWRITING IN THE CONTROL ROOM FILE, HE'S OUR MAN.
AND ONE FOR YOU.
NOW LET'S TAKE OUR STARTING POSITIONS.
READY, AND GO.
VERY GOOD, ZUKOR.
WE'LL PRACTICE THAT AGAIN TOMORROW.
IS IT NOT PROPER PROCEDURE FOR AN AGENT WHO HAS RECEIVED A MESSAGE TO MEMORIZE AND DESTROY IT? UM, WELL YES.
( mouthing words ) WE'VE GOT HIM.
AN EXAMPLE OF HIS HANDWRITING AND SIGNATURE.
THANKS TO MY SPECIAL JACKET WITH THE CARBON-PAPER LINING.
- GOOD WORK, 86.
- THANK YOU, 99.
THANK YOU.
WE STILL HAVE NO PROOF WHETHER DIMITRI OR ZUKOR IS THE REAL IMPOSTOR.
YES, BUT WE HAVEN'T QUITE FINISHED CHECKING OUT THAT BABY YET.
- GRILLAK? - YES, I FEEL I SHOULD TAKE ANOTHER CRACK AT HIM.
JUST REMEMBER, MAX-- THE REAL GRILLAK HAS A HEART-SHAPED BIRTHMARK ON HIS RIGHT KNEE.
MMM.
AND IF HE DOESN'T HAVE IT, THEN HE'S THE IMPOSTOR.
RIGHT.
HI-YAH! YAAH! OOH! ALL RIGHT, GRILLAK, GET UP.
WELL GRILLAK, YOU HAD ME FOOLED FOR A WHILE, BUT THE MINUTE I-- SAW MY OWN LEG I KNEW YOU WERE ALL RIGHT.
( clears throat ) WHERE'S GAINSBOROUGH? HE WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET ME HERE.
MAX, I DON'T LIKE YOUR PLAN.
YOU COULD BE KILLED.
YES I KNOW, BUT WE'VE GOT TO FLUSH THAT KAOS INFILTRATOR OUT INTO THE OPEN.
BUT YOU'RE DELIBERATELY SETTING YOURSELF UP AS A TARGET.
YOU'LL BE IN EXTREME DANGER EVERY MINUTE.
AND LOVING IT.
- THERE'S GAINSBOROUGH NOW.
- OH.
I'LL GO OVER THERE AND SPEAK DISTINCTLY SO EACH OF THE SUSPECTS WON'T MISS A WORD I'M SAYING.
- OKAY.
- RIGHT.
NOW, GENTLEMEN, AS YOU KNOW, UPON OCCASION AN AGENT MAY BE CALLED UPON TO READ LIPS FROM A DISTANCE.
FOR THIS, OF COURSE, YOU USE YOUR HIGH-POWERED BINOCULARS.
SHALL WE GIVE THAT A TRY? OH LOOK, THERE'S LOOMIS TALKING TO MR.
GAINSBOROUGH.
SEE IF YOU CAN SEE WHAT THEY'RE SAYING.
I'D LIKE YOU AND THE DEAN AND THE REST OF THE TRAINEES TO MEET ME IN MY ROOM IN ONE HOUR.
THAT'S 5:30.
THE DEAN AND I HAVE A MEETING AT 5:15 BUT I'M SURE WE CAN MAKE IT.
- NOW WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT? - UH, YES, WELL, I'M GOING TO REVEAL THE FACT THAT I AM CONTROL AGENT 86 AND THAT I KNOW THE IDENTITY OF THE KAOS INFILTRATOR AND THAT I AM GOING TO NAME THE IMPOSTOR.
( underbrush rustling ) ( bullet ricochets ) - DID YOU SEE HIM? - NO, BUT HE MUST BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.
- I'LL TRY TO FLUSH HIM OUT.
- RIGHT.
I'LL OPEN THIS CASE AND I'LL HAVE THIS GUN PUT TOGETHER IN THREE SECONDS AND I'LL BE READY FOR HIM.
OH MAX, IF ANYTHING SHOULD HAPPEN OH! OOH! ( bullets ricocheting ) HMMM, HE MUST BE OUT OF AMMUNITION.
NOW IF I CAN JUST OPEN THIS CASE, HE'S HAD IT.
( gun handle thumps ) IT'S NO USE.
DID YOU SEE WHO IT WAS, 99? NO, HE KNOCKED ME OUT TOO.
HELP! IT'S NO USE YELLING, 99.
WE'VE BEEN SCREAMING OUR HEADS OFF FOR 15 MINUTES.
IT'S OBVIOUS NO ONE CAN HEAR US.
HELP! MAX, HOW ARE WE GONNA GET HELP? THIS DYNAMITE'S GOING TO GO OFF ANY MINUTE.
- I KNOW.
WHEN THAT FLAME HITS THE FUSE WE'VE HAD IT.
- OHH - I KNOW - WHAT? - FANG.
- AGENT K-13! OF COURSE! HE'LL HEAR MY SIGNAL NO MATTER WHERE HE IS.
OH! I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING.
OF COURSE NOT, 99.
ONLY DOGS CAN HEAR THAT.
- GOOD BOY, FANG! - LOOK, IT'S FANG! - BLOW OUT THE CANDLES.
- QUICK.
- ( barks ) - NO NO, DON'T YELL, FANG.
BLOW OUT THE CANDLE.
GO ON! - BLOW OUT THE CANDLE.
- BLOW OUT THE CANDLE, FANG.
COME ON, FANG! COME ON, BOY! BLOW OUT THE CANDLE.
QUICK, FANG, PLEASE BLOW OUT THE CANDLE.
OH, IT LOOKS HOPELESS.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
( singing birthday song ) ( both singing birthday song ) ( blows ) I DON'T THINK HE'S GOING TO SHOW UP.
MAYBE HE'S TIED UP SOMEPLACE.
LET'S GIVE HIM A FEW MORE MINUTES.
IT'S VITAL TO DISCOVER THE NAME OF THE KAOS INFILTRATOR.
I CERTAINLY HOPE IT IS NOT ME.
WELL GENTLEMEN, I'M SURE ONE OF YOU IS SURPRISED TO SEE US HERE-- THE MAN WHO TRIED TO BLOW US UP JUST LUCKILY I'VE HAD MY EYE ON ONE SUSPECT FROM THE VERY BEGINNING.
ZUKOR, WRITE YOUR NAME ON THAT PAD.
WITH THE HANDWRITING OF THE REAL ZUKOR IN THE CONTROL FILES.
IF IT DOESN'T MATCH, HE'S OUR MAN.
- THEY MATCH.
- IT MATCHES.
OKAY, THAT BRINGS US TO DIMITRI.
NOW ACCORDING TO THE CONTROL FILES, DIMITRI, YOU SPEAK A RARE EAST HIMALAYAN DIALECT.
YET WHEN I TOLD YOU AN EAST HIMALAYAN JOKE, YOU DIDN'T LAUGH.
WELL, THIS IS A JOKE BOOK-- WITH EVERY EAST HIMALAYAN JOKE.
ALL SIX OF THEM.
NOW LET'S SEE IF YOU REALLY KNOW THE LANGUAGE.
IF YOU DON'T YOU'RE THE IMPOSTOR.
"AN EAST HIMALAYAN BUM WALKED UP TO ME ON THE STREET ONE DAY AND SAID, 'AHNA HOHO HUNI AHA AWAHI TEE HEE.
' AND I SAID--" WHAT'S THE PUNCH LINE? "I SAID 'YEHI TAIYO RECAHAMAH.
'" ( mouthing words ) ( chuckles ) THAT'S VERY FUNNY, DIMITRI.
HERE'S A GOOD ONE-- "TWO SCOTCHMEN WERE WALKING DOWN THE STREET ONE DAY" MAX GRILLAK.
OH.
THAT LEAVES US WITH JUST ONE SUSPECT: GRILLAK.
GRILLAK, I WANT TO SEE YOUR RIGHT KNEE.
THE ONLY THING THAT CAN SAVE YOU IS IF YOU HAVE A HEART-SHAPED BIRTHMARK ON YOUR RIGHT KNEE.
AHA, JUST AS I THOUGHT-- A HEART-SHAPED BIRTHMARK ON YOUR RIGHT KNEE.
THERE YOU HAVE IT, GENTLEMEN, ANOTHER WONDERFUL THEORY DOWN THE DRAIN.
HOWEVER I THINK I'M ENTITLED TO ONE FREE GUESS.
AND MY GUESS IS THAT IT'S HILLARY GAINSBOROUGH.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, SMART.
I KNOW WHAT HILLARY GAINSBOROUGH LOOKS LIKE.
- HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF PLASTIC SURGERY? - YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT.
AND IN ANY CASE, FOR THE PAST 15 MINUTES I WAS WITH DEAN WATSON AT 5:15, JUST THE TIME YOU SAY SOMEBODY TRIED TO BLOW YOU UP.
YES, WELL I CHECKED THAT CANDLE THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BURN DOWN AND SET OFF THE DYNAMITE, AND THAT CANDLE WAS SET FOR 5:20, WHICH WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU A PERFECT ALIBI.
AND YOU ACCUSE ME ON THIS FLIMSY EVIDENCE? NO, I HAVE SOME MORE FLIMSY EVIDENCE.
AHA! NOTICE, GAINSBOROUGH, YOU CAUGHT IT WITH YOUR LEFT HAND.
THE FIRST ATTEMPT ON MY LIFE WAS MADE BY A LEFT-HANDED KNIFE THROWER.
GRILLAK, ZUKOR AND DIMITRI ARE ALL LEFT HANDED.
YES, BUT THEY HAD NO REASON TO SUSPECT ME THEN.
YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNEW THAT I WAS MAXWELL SMART! ALL RIGHT, SMART! YOU'VE OUTSMARTED ME.
I-- I CONFESS.
ON THE OTHER HAND, THE DEAN-- - YOU WHAT? - I CONFESS.
OH.
TO WHAT? MAX, HE'S THE IMPOSTOR! OH, YES, OF COURSE.
ALL RIGHT, MEN, GET HIM OUT OF HERE.
MARVELOUS PIECE OF DEDUCTION, SMART.
AMAZING HOW YOU GOT HILLARY TO CONFESS.
YES, AND IT'S A GOOD THING FOR YOU, DEAN, THAT I DID.
- WHY IS THAT? - BECAUSE YOU AND I WERE THE ONLY SUSPECTS LEFT.
AND I WAS FAIRLY CERTAIN ABOUT I.
- ME.
- YOU? WHY, I NEVER SUSPECTED YOU FOR A MOMENT, 99.
- NO, I DIDN'T MEAN IN THAT SENSE, MAX.
- SHE MEANT "I" AND "ME.
" - YOU TOO? - NO NO YOU REALLY DID A MARVELOUS JOB, MAX.
THANK YOU, 99.
GO ON, FANG.
GET IN THERE.
( barks ) I THINK THE CHIEF WILL BE PARTICULARLY PLEASED BECAUSE WE CAPTURED THE KAOS INFILTRATOR.
UH, I'LL DRIVE, FANG, THANK YOU.
COME ON.
AND BEST OF ALL, MAX, THE SECURITY OF OUR ESPIONAGE SCHOOL - HASN'T BEEN VIOLATED.
- THAT'S RIGHT, 99.
AND THERE'S NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN SECURITY.
NOTHING.
WHY, WITHOUT SECURITY NONE OF US WOULD BE SAFE.
EXCUSE ME.
IS THIS MRS.
GREEN'S HOUSE? NO, THAT'S THE SPY SCHOOL.
MRS.
GREEN'S HOUSE IS OVER THERE.
( theme music playing )