Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999) s01e03 Episode Script

Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! ♪
Ow
Ow-ow!
Ohh
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Bit late to be phoning in sick, eh?
I should be grateful
you're not making me do it for once.
Sorry, Linda's got
24-hour pancreatitis.
Sorry, Linda's entire family has
been wiped out in a tragic accident,
and she's got to line the coffins!
Make me a cuppa tea.
Can we have
a little disability awareness here?
Disabled people climb mountains
on redesigned skateboards.
They do the hokey-cokey
in their wheelchairs.
You, mate, just can't be arsed!
- Have you got the painters in? - What?
Are you LATE? Is that it? Has
somebody actually slept with you?
I bet George Michael
ain't this 'orrible to Ginger Spice.
No, because he quite likes her.
He fancies her!
- He's gay! - There's no such thing
as gay. It's just laziness!
It takes a long time to discover
a woman's hidden treasures, mate!
Yes. Or find them
under her rolls of fat!
Engaged, is it?
When you don't go into work,
- the switchboard gets jammed.
- I'm phoning Richard and Judy.
That Finnigan's
like a second mother to me.
I see. You're calling
the agony-line, are you?
What's the subject?
I'm ugly and have no friends?
It's redundancy.
Redundancy.
Why on earth would you?
Linda, have you been fired?
I wanna talk to Judy!
Oh, bless you. Oh Well, you DID
bunk off quite a lot, didn't you?
It's because
I was too much of a distraction
to the blokes in the office.
They actually SAID this to you?
No, but any time I bent over,
there was a mass exodus to the bogs.
So your visible panty line
was making them vomit!
- Get out! - I will not!
I'm expecting a visit!
Who from? Your imaginary friend?
No, actually. My home help.
Ha-ha! The shame. Is she gonna
wipe your arse and feed you soup?
No!
She's going to help me bathe.
- I could do that.
- You'll NEVER see my penis, OK?
Not without a microscope, no(!)
Actually, I'd like you
to get out for the day.
I'm only getting help because
I said I was alone. I usually am.
Sorry I lost my job.
I shan't be so gorgeous next time!
- DOORBELL
- That'll be someone from my work,
missing me. I bet I'm being stalked.
- No, that'll be Shirley. - Shirley?
She's my home help. How do I look?
They sent me a letter. You just say
you're a neighbour who's popped by.
Oh, no, that sounds
like round-the-clock care.
Make something up!
- I'll say I'm your wife. - Don't DARE!
I'll say I divorced you because
you turned out to be a poof with
a home-help fixation. Keep trying.
Ohh!
What lovely big purple heads!
In here, Ms Home-help.
A small, bijou pad, but mine own.
On the wings of lo-ove ♪
That'd make a good jingle for
a panty-liner advert, wouldn't it?
Are those for me?!
Oh, a small get-well gift
from my agent.
I must give her a ring.
Pass on my sincerest platitudes.
Shirley's late.
- They're not for you. - Hello What?
- They're for bitch-face downstairs.
- Hello, do you handle Tom Farrell?
I think he's the new Simon Shepherd.
Put them down! The mauve
is clashing with your yellow teeth!
The courier what delivered them
didn't think so.
What have you done now?
I dread to think.
You were away for 20 minutes.
There's no concept of time
when you're in lurve.
- What would YOU know about love?
- It's in the dictionary
between labia and lust.
I asked you not to say that word!
- His name's Joe. - Whose?
- My new boyfriend.
- When a man you don't know
gives you flowers on your doorstep,
he is NOT acting on Impulse!
- He asked me out. - He's just
doing his job He did what?
- And I said YES!
- Run that by me again.
He's gorgeous. Head to toe in black
leather, and a helmet so clean,
you could do your make-up in it.
That can't be true!
He's picking me up tomorrow at two.
I expect I'll ride pillion.
What are you doing?!
I'm just practising.
Ooh, it's a bumpy street!
Control yourself,
you filthy strumpet!
'Ere
He loves me
he loves me lots.
He wants to KISS me
he wants to kiss me lots.
He wants to SHAFT me,
he wants to shaft me lots!
- Where are you going? - To spend
my redundancy money on clothes.
That's right - abandon me.
Go on, goodbye.
I could end up
lying in a puddle of my own urine!
AND get off on it!
- Oh, hi, Linda! - Oh, er
some flowers came for you, Suze.
Oh, super-duper pooper-scooper!
It's our anniversary today, Linds!
I wonder who they're from
I always say the size of my bouquet
reflects the size of my love for you.
Oh, well, as long as they don't
reflect the size of your knob!
See ya, wouldn't wanna BE ya!
Oh, sorry, love. I'm spoken for.
Do come through, Shirley.
Do come through.
Forgive my reliance
on gender stereotyping,
but with a name like Shirley,
I was expecting a woman-type person.
Oh, yeah, that's very funny.
'Scuse me while I piss myself.
- I'm sorry! - It's all right for you,
innit? You weren't cursed from birth
with a really embarrassing name.
- Um should I strip here
or in the bathroom? - It weren't you
who was bullied since you was
that high, who had ten tons of shit
kicked out of him at school!
And why? Cos you had a girl's name.
So I changed schools
and called meself Colin.
Then some bastard from my old school
tells everyone my name's Shirley.
What's the point, eh? Tell me that.
Everywhere I turn,
that bastard Todd Manson's screaming,
"His name's Shirley!"
Um where is he now?
Todd Manson may well be inside
for GBH,
but when me jim-jams are on,
he's in 'ere
..in my nightmares!
Um it's a bit like
Nightmare On Elm Street, isn't it?
- You think I've got time
to watch videos? - No, I don't.
When I'm not working, I'm jogging,
building up my stamina
in case I meet that Todd Manson.
Yes, um Look
I wonder
what a home help actually DOES.
I DON'T find a cure for cancer
or help infertile women have babies.
All I ever wanted to be
was a surgeon!
It isn't too late.
You could always
You could always go back to college.
- No, I've got a natural tremor. - God!
It wouldn't be fair on the patients.
Oh, God, what are you doing now?!
Hyperventilating.
I'll be all right in a minute.
TOM MOUTHS
TOOT!
TOOT!
Spoken for. Sorry.
So I thought
I would never find happiness, ever.
- Then I did. - Oh, that's fantastic.
- I wonder - Seven and a half stone
of it in a woman called Brenda.
Here you are That's Brenda.
What, the one with the beard?
Done herself up as Father Christmas
for the old folks
in the home where she worked.
I loved seeing those old men
sitting on her knee, dribblin'.
- Well, er,
Brenda's very pretty. - WAS.
- Topped herself Christmas Day.
- Oh, for God's sake!
- Have you ever tried to arrange
a funeral over the Christmas period?
- No, I haven't!
Ain't a bundle of laughs, I tell ya.
- That's the only picture I've got.
- What, of Brenda? - No.
- It's the only picture I've got.
- Would you run my bath, please?!
I can't. I'm washing
an obese nun's bedsores at twelve.
She's a bit like you. A real talker.
Tomorrow, run the bath
before I get here.
I'll see you later.
IF we live that long.
Oh, yes, hello.
I'd like to change my home help.
- Wotcher, lover! - Oh, hello.
It says you're an information line.
I DO want some information,
on how to change my home help!
Oh, for God's sake!
They're playing Patsy Cline to me!
- As a gay man, you should demand
Dana International. - Yeah.
Mummy always said
men love moist lips.
Oh, I'm on hold!
- Getting a bit frustrated? - Yeah.
What you need is a date like me.
I remember my first date -
Billy from borstal.
You had boys at your borstal?
No, he was the caretaker.
Said I reminded him
of little orphan Annie. Oh, bless.
He'd put me in a little red dress
and had me sing
"the sun'll come out tomorrow".
He got banged up shortly after.
Is that the health centre or
the Patsy Cline frigging fan club?!
I'm Tom Farrell, he's Shirley!
..If I was being aggressive,
I'd come round and slash
your pedal-pushers, you bitch!
I've told you before, Tom.
I'LL give you a bath.
YOU will never whip up a froth
in my groinal area.
Ooh, ooh!
DOORBELL RINGS
I really thought you were my friend.
- Sorry? - I'm the laughing stock
at work now. You threatened my boss
with violence. - Please, Shirley!
All I want is a bath!
- WELL, ALL RIGHT, THEN, SPASSY LEGS!
Let's do what YOU want for a change!
Have you RUN it?! - Yes, I have!
- I'd better check the temperature!
- Yeah. It's straight through there!
'Ere. How do I look?
Like a vibrator.
I shan't be two ticks.
I've got me boyfriend coming round.
Joe. He's a bit of a bruiser.
Just in case
you start getting any ideas.
I'll bring him in,
introduce him to Tom,
then we're going to go and burn
some rubber, and I don't mean tyres.
I'll just practise taking this off.
Ooh, Uma Thurman,
eat your heart out!
A-A-R-G-H!
DOORBELL RINGS
Out me way, weirdo!
Come right inside, Joe.
Oh, wash my mouth out!
Ain't you big?
This is my flat-mate Thomas,
our resident homo.
Shall I get some glasses
for the old bubbly?
- Anyone brought you bubbly lately?
No. Thought not. - Nice to meet you.
- Delighted. - Hands off! Blimey!
If it ain't nailed down! 'Ere
- Shall we pop into the boudoir for
a drop of the old liquid? - Why not?
Ha-ha-HA!
It seems to be warm enough.
I'll, um, just get the harness
for you.
HE MOUTHS
I'll just straighten this rug out.
I'll quite anal like that.
You like what you see?
- It's big, innit? - ..You like?
- I was inside for a while. - Really?
- They were tiny in there. - Let's have
some rhythm to get us in the mood.
TUNELESS DRUMBEA
- It's hot in here. Mind if I take
me jumper off? - Take off whatever
you want. I'm a free spirit.
Grape juice?!
Bugger!
Oh, come on!
What on earth are you doing?
- What do YOU care? - You can't jump.
I need my bath! I'm in pain here.
My life's meaningless. THAT'S pain.
Nobody likes me. THAT'S pain.
- Grow up! - I - like you.
Then why did you ask
for another home help?
Erm
Because I really fancy you?
- What? - I really fancy you,
and I was worried
about being naked with you.
That's why I asked for someone else.
But you're a boy.
Oh, my God, you're a shirt-lifter!
- I've NEVER lifted a shirt! - You were
thinking lewd thoughts about me. - No!
- So you're not a shirt-lifter?
- My sexuality's not the issue.
That's typical, innit?
First of all, I get a girl's name,
then I bugger up my education,
my girlfriend tops herself,
I have nightmares about Todd Manson,
and now me best mate comes out to me
while I'm trying to commit suicide!
When I accepted the Christ-child
within me, I vowed
never to have sex before marriage.
Let's get married!
Up yer bum and no babies!
Do you mind if we pray?
Lord, thank you for this afternoon,
for the precious time
we spend together.
Anything you want to throw in,
Linda?
Me knickers?
- Linda! - Oh, yeah. Look after all
the starving black babies in Africa.
Yeah! And, Lord
shine your light
on lovely, sad Linda here,
and help her to see your glory
in all things. Amen.
D'you know?
I think you've got 'ealing 'ands.
Oh, my God!
Linda, you have to come quickly!
Oof! Hold it right there.
When I come back, I'm going to tell
you the story of Mary Magdalene.
- Tom! Tom! My worst nightmare's
through there! - Why? - He respects me!
Ooh!
Are you a window-cleaner?
Leave me alone!
How much do you charge?
I'm gonna jump.
Oh, sorry.
Wait. I used to be a Samaritan,
right? I'll summon up my
counselling know-how and have a go.
- Shirley, you thick pillock,
get in here and give him a bath!
- Linda! - Was I too bleeding-heart?
- It frightens me, Tom. - I'LL frighten
you, you inconsiderate wanker!
Suze! Suze!
- Go and get Holy Joe.
- What's wrong, peeps?
Meet Shirley.
That's a woman's name.
Right, that's it!
- Can you break his fall? - Right.
- No, you prat! With a mattress!
- Oh, right.
I knew a woman called Brian once.
He's trying to KILL himself!
I lived in Croydon, dear.
Happened there all the time.
What's SHE doing?
OK! ..Oh, hang on!
Where are we now, pussy willow?
It's a bit chilly. The utility room?
Shirley!
Shirley, I have a Christian here
who would speak with you.
Turn round.
Ah! So this is where we are!
You've got nipples like tax discs!
Joe's lovely, Shirl.
He's a sort of priest.
Look on it as last rites.
- W-A-A-A-A-H! - What?
- It's Todd Manson!
- No, this is Joe. - Yeah.
- It's a conspiracy.
- I changed my name in prison.
When I saw the light, I took a
biblical name, symbolising my change.
Joseph was like Jesus's step-dad.
So who was his REAL dad?
- Stay away from me. I'm not
scared of you. I-I go jogging.
- I've changed, Shirley.
- Nice arse.
- It's fabulous, actually, isn't it?
And I wanna ask your forgiveness.
Oi! This bottom belongs to Jesus.
- Oh, I'm bored now. Go on, jump!
- Yeah, jump! - Yeah, go on!
I will if you will!
- Telly? - Yeah, telly.
- What are you doing, Todd?
- To show you how much I've changed,
I wanna jump instead of you.
Go on.
Let me jump in your place.
I wanted to be first!
It's not fair. I live here!
You just stay where you are.
- Oh, for goodness' sake!
- We've a bathful of water.
Let me flannel you down.
Shut up.
Look! An 'orse called Shaven Haven!
I shall be riding in the 3 o'clock
on my Shaven Haven.
Oh, dear! ..Oh, if he dies, I won't
be held responsible, will I?
I won't go to prison, will I?
He won't jump. It's a cry for help.
A-A-A-R-G-H!
Oh, do it again. I was watching
the race. Do it again!
Fantabilissimo!
Look, I'm only one phone call away
from Esther Rantzen's office.
How would you like to be exposed
on national television?
No, not on Hearts Of Gold,
you idiot! On That's Life.
Did it? When did it finish?
Did they? A line-up of everyone
who'd been in it? Oh, I missed it!
Of course I'll hold.
- That's Life has finished! - Has it?
I like them barristers,
especially that Scottish one.
Bit like an ugly version of me.
- Who's that? - A delightful woman
from the local authority.
Shirley's off sick, apparently.
- Are they finding you
another home help? - No, they're not.
What? ..Oh, on hold again! At least
they're not playing Patsy Cline.
It's the dialling tone.
..Oh, they hung up! What a bi-itch!
Phone back!
Because my plaster's coming off
in two days, I'm not a "priority".
What's that all about?
- What's in the bag? - Me leathers. - Oh?
- Taking them back for a refund.
I sponged the crotch down
with some TCP.
Oh, by the way. When you go out,
will you get me some grapes
and a bottle of Lucozade?
Have I got "slave" tattooed on me?
Just pop my whales on, would you?
WHALES "SING" AND TOM JOINS IN
DOORBELL RINGS
- 'Ere, Tom, guess what. - What?
I've got some people
to fetch and carry for you.
Hiya, mate!
Hi, Tom.
- Oh, caramba! - We thought
we'd pop round and say "hiya",
and we wanted to thank you both
for bringing us two together again.
We've got some brilliant news.
- You've found another home help?!
- No. Shirley's found God.
It was really careless of me
to lose him in the first place.
It's a celebration.
We've been praying for you both.
Oh, you shouldn't have. Really.
Tom, I'm a bit worried
about you being gay.
I want you to promise me that
you'll stay inside till you convert,
because if you got run over by a bus
or something, you'd burn in hell.
I see. I stay indoors
for the rest of my life(?)
Yes. And you must stop
sleeping with men.
That's easy. No-one'll have him!
- The good Lord's quite clear on
bottom explorers. - I beg your pardon!
We're praying for you, too, Linda,
that you'll convert.
Then you could go out with Joe.
He only goes out with Christians.
Mmm. It's funny. Before I found God,
I only went out with dolly-birds,
but now I look deeper than that.
I'm interested
in a person's soul.
I'm interested in YOUR soul, Linda.
I don't care how ugly you are.
- Can I borrow one of your crutches?
- Please be my guest. There you go.
Ugh!
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day ♪
Right, I'm ready. I'm ready!
Right, forward, forward Stop!
Kneel, kneel. Loofah. Soap.
Go, go.
- Ah! I don't think so. - You must wash
down there. It's the law! - Do you?
Oh, my God!
Oh, Tom! You're so fickle!