Going Straight (1978) s01e03 Episode Script
Going Sour
# I'm going straight, I am # Straight as an arrow # I've paid the price and done me time # I'm going straight, I am # Along the straight and narrow # And I don't mean straight back to crime! # Well, I'm off then.
Dad, if you've got a moment Huh.
If I've got a moment(!) Just nip down to Cochrane's, get a few things in.
Oh, that'll add a bit of excitement to my day, nipping down to Cochrane's, that asthmatic old twit.
What is this? It's teabags, Golden Shred, Brussels sprouts, mandarin oranges, half a dozen eggs, scouring Ooh, and I forgot.
Um "Brian Flakes"? Who's that? No, Dad, bran flakes! I don't like bran flakes.
Ah, but they've got a special offer on this month.
Genuine folk art watering can kits.
Oh, right.
I'll eat them instead then.
That'll give me something to do this afternoon, won't it, eh - I can come home and erect a watering can kit.
Don't forget you've got to go and see your probation officer today.
Tomorrow.
Dad What? Dad I know it's hard, I know what you've been going through, but you knew it weren't going to be easy.
Now, you mustn't let things get on top of you.
You never have.
I know.
I didn't think it was going to be as hard as this, that's all.
I want to make myself useful, you know, I want to have a job.
But with MY record Now That's not true.
There's over a million unemployed in this country.
There's boys what left Raymond's school two years ago who don't know nothing else but a dole queue.
Yeah, but it's this attitude of cynicism and mistrust I keep coming up against - which in turn makes ME more cynical, and that's something I've always resisted.
I mean, I went into the post office the other day just to get a postal order for me pools.
They've got a fourpenny biro there chained to the wall! I mean - still didn't write, but it was chained to the wall! Well, that's normal these days, Dad, it's the mood of the country.
You've got to get used to it, it's been like that for a while.
'Course - we did have a brief respite for the Jubilee celebrations, butthat's behind us now.
Yeah.
Well, it's getting me down, that's all I can say, girl.
How's your sex drive, Dad? What sort of a question is that for a daughter to ask her father?! A perfectly healthy one.
I don't think things like that should be swept under the carpet no more.
What's my sex drive got to do with anything? It could have a great deal.
Because I think your lack of it is symptomatic of your general malaise.
I mean, you was always a man - with a man's appetite.
Yeah, that reminds me, what happened to that boiled egg? Dad, you know what I mean.
Here you are with Mum gone, out of prison - and you ain't so much as looked at a woman.
You don't think I'd bring a woman into this house, do you, Ingrid? I've got some sort of decorum and decency, you know.
I would not embarrass the other members of this household by consorting in this very house with a woman of the opposite sex.
I don't see why you shouldn't, all the rest of us do.
Not Raymond, surely? I mean, he hasn't got the energy, has he? Or the charm.
Oh, you'd be surprised.
Girls like Raymond.
Oh, what do they like about him, his National Health acne(?) You can take it from me that he's got no problems in that direction - it's you what I'm worried about.
You see, I think you're going through your mid-life crisis.
Like what this article in Cosmopolitan said last week.
"The male menopause - cause and effect.
" Listen, Ingrid, we will have none of that sort of talk in this house! You shock me at times, you do, you really do.
I'm not being rude, Dad, that's medical.
Well, medical things ARE rude, ain't they? You're so set in your ways.
Yes, I am! And I will not have any of this permissive, liberated talk in this house.
I'll tell you what my mid-life crisis is, shall I? Shall I spell it out for you? I am a 45 year-old ex-lag, with no money, no prospects and as of now, no wife.
Now, for the sake of my family, I'm trying to go straight - which means at my age, with my qualifications, my future holds about as much excitement as a wet Sunday afternoon in Merthyr Tydfil.
Why Merthyr Tydfil? I'll tell you why - because they got more pubs there than anywhere else in Britain - and they're all shut Sundays! 'Ere you are, Dad.
You take this.
No, I've got the money for the groceries No, that's just something for your pocket.
Ingrid, I will not take a handout from my family, thank you very much.
Well, you always took it from Mum.
I get plenty of tips, you see - that's one of the perks of being a manicurist.
Well - that and free nail varnish.
Well, bring me a bottle of that then.
I'm sorry, Ingrid - I'm not being ungracious, I just haven't come down to that yet.
Well, I tell you what, I'll put it underneath our Jubilee tea caddy just in case you change your mind.
All right, suit yourself.
Dad have you been doing some of your home improvements to this kitchen door? I have, as a matter of fact - I've fitted draught excluders.
Yeah, I thought you'd done something.
It's freezing in 'ere! 'Ey, Fletch! Come sta? Va bene? Hello, Dante.
Never mind all the Italian bonhomie, let's have a cup of tea and a Kit-Kat, shall we? Si.
Morning, Perce.
Eightten Shut up, I'm counting.
Finished your milk round early, ain't ya? Been giving the horse Benzedrine again(?) Nah.
I ain't had a horse since before you went in.
Ain't ya? Must be a bit of a job pulling that cart round on your tod.
Nah, don't be daft, it's all electric now.
Oh, an all-electric horse, what will they think of next? One-a cuppa tea! Hey-hey - "One-a cuppa tea"! He used to talk broad Cockney at school.
Help-a yourself to sugar.
I will, I will.
Oh, blimey, not you as well - look at this 'Fraid someone's going to steal your British Railways teaspoon, are ya? What's-a wrong with you? Got out of bed the wrong end? I wish I hadn't got out of bed at all sometimes, I really do.
'Ere, 'ere! What? You're my age, ain't you? Thereabouts.
I'm-a 39.
You lying git, you got a son of 26! In-a Sicily, we come to manhood early.
Oh, yes? Agreed.
But you come from Stoke Newington, don't you? Listen, I'm a busy man.
Oh, really - what you doing, taking in washing(?) What do you want to ask-a me? I want to show you something.
Are you ready? Si.
Here we go.
Go! Santa madre! Che paio di tette Yes, yes, yes - well, I don't understand the language but I get the gist of it.
Now, I used to be exactly like that, right? Especially when I was in the nick.
Now, this morning, this very morning, I went straight past her and right on to the sporting section.
Yeah.
I was much more interested in Orient's crippling injury list.
What do you say me? I don't-a get it.
No, I don't get it either.
Precisely.
But my point is, I'm not sure I still WANT it.
Now, that is very worrying for a man of my age, innit? Ah, sorry I think it's the stuff they used to put in the prison tea, you know.
I think it's just beginning to work.
Mind if I sit here, love? Ta.
Perce - do me a favour, would ya? Don't tempt me.
There's a lad.
Come on, Fletch, I've got to do that column all over again now.
Huh.
Gratitude for ya.
Like a bit of Kit-Kat? You sod! Pardon? You heard.
I was hoping I heard wrong.
Well, you didn't.
Ah, well.
All tallies - that's me finished.
Off home, then, Perce, to the wife? Or that little number in Sycamore Crescent? What little number? You know who I'm on about.
The one whose husband's on the oil rig.
Listen, I'm not your common-or-garden randy milkman.
I'm not talking about in the garden, am I? Or on the Common.
I'm talking about Sycamore Crescent.
Well, I ain't that sort neither.
Ain't ya? No, I ain't.
Oh, dear.
Must have got what I got.
I'm going round the betting shop, d'you want one on? Ah, si D'you want a bet on, Fletch? I'd do Arctic Lady, 4 o'clock, Kempton.
No, no, no.
"Gambling is the child of avarice, and the father of sin.
" George Washington said that, you know.
Or was it Eric Catchpole? Who's Eric Catchpole? Philosopher and wit.
Used to play left-half for Brentford.
He was the man who said "Show me a milkman in high heels and I will show you a Dairy Queen.
" Ta-da Mind how you go, Perce.
Don't take any wooden yoghurts.
Good that, ain't it, eh? Dairy Queen - milkman in high heels.
Oh, never mind.
You're the life and soul of the party, in't ya? No, I'm nobody.
Like to rabbit though, don't you? How old are you to talk to me like that? How old do I have to be to talk to you like that? I didn't ask you to sit 'ere.
I sat here to save you from yourself.
I can look after meself, thanks very much.
Here y'are.
What? Get some of that inside you, I reckon you need it.
No, I don't.
Why do you come here then, for his Italian cuisine or what? I just come here, don't I? Listen, if you're desperate enough to put your hand into Perce's purse in broad daylight, then you are in dire need of a cup of tea, so get it down you.
Another cup of tea, Dante.
'Ey God, the last of the big-a spender.
I can't pay for this tea.
Didn't think you could.
Sleeping rough, are ya? What if I am? Runaway, are ya? What if I am? Not from round 'ere? What if I'm not? Oh, Gawd! Come on.
Look, I'm not the law, I'm not the welfare, and I ain't the vicar.
So? So just relax, girl, that's all I'm saying.
Relax.
Look at ya.
Taut as a fiddle string, ain't ya? On drugs, are ya? Uppers, is it? Bleedin' wish I WAS.
Well, that's a point of contact anyway.
Why? You got some? No.
Well, what's your game, then? You come over here, you sit down - I didn't ask.
What are you, a dirty old man? Want to buy me a bar of chocolate and get a quick touch-up? You're a dirty little girl in more ways than one, you know.
You don't know me.
I know you need a bath.
It's-a sugar.
Oh, thank you.
JUST sugar, I hope.
I wouldn't put it past that probation officer to come round here and keep up the treatment.
What's your name, then? Margaret Thatcher.
Oh Nice to meet you, Margaret.
My name is Norman Stanley Fletcher - known as Fletch.
I WAS joking Was you? Don't you know who Margaret Thatcher is? You thick or something? Who is she, then? Well - she's in the government, isn't she? Ain't you seen her on the telly with her hairdos? No, she is not one of the government, as a matter of fact - she is, in fact, the leader of Her Majesty's Opposition.
Same thing, innit - MPs? 'Ere thought you said you didn't know her? That was to stimulate political argument.
Blimey! You don't 'alf talk funny.
How old are you? 36.
You look older.
'Ey! Good morning, Sarge.
Sit-a down.
I bring you the best-a cuppa tea you ever taste in your whole-a life.
Black coffee, please.
You are on the run, ain't ya? Eh? Don't worry, I'm not going to give you in, am I? It's just that I only live round the corner.
Now I've got two daughters, who've got a wardrobe which is permanently obsolescent.
In my opinion, you could do with a fresh change of clothing, and certainly a bath.
I think that is an offer you're in no state to refuse, don't you? OK, then.
Well, come on, if you're comin'.
Haven't finished me tea yet.
Blimey 'Ey, Fletch! It didn't-a take-a you long, eh? What? To get-a your urges back! Naff off.
Go on.
DANTE CHUCKLES Some soup here.
Water weren't very hot.
Well, the soup is.
Get it down your neck.
Gawd! It is an' all - I've burnt me bleedin' tongue! Ssh, ssh, ssh.
'Ere, 'ere Find any clothes to fit you, did you? Weren't my size.
Well, they weren't bought for you, were they? What'd you say your name was? Fletch, they call me.
Mine's Penny.
Good, good.
Now, where you from, Penny? Well, I used to live in Camberwell.
It's all right there.
I mean, I'd always lived there.
That's were all me mates are.
Then me mum and Arthur moved to Portsmouth.
Arthur? Yeah.
Bloke she lives with.
He's all right - just he works in Portsmouth.
There ain't nothing to do there.
Handy for the Isle of Wight though, innit? So I just left.
I was going to stay with this mate of mine, Terry.
He's great, Terry.
He's a bit mad, like - but he's all right.
He doesn't give a monkey's about anything.
You'd like him.
I doubt it.
One of these punks, is he? No, he's not.
He hates punks.
Oh, well, that's something we've got in common then.
Yeah.
That's why they sent him away.
He duffed three of them up behind Peckham Odeon.
Charming(!) So, he's gone - what are your plans now, then? Well, I can't hang around the Camberwell.
Cops know me there.
I'm on probation.
Oh, yeah? I was going to stay with this other friend of mine lives round here.
Pauline Soper.
D'you know her? No.
She may have moved.
I don't know what I'll do next.
Well, you look worn out.
I suggest when you've eaten what you're going to eat you better go and get some kip.
Whatwith you? Pardon? Don't you fancy me? It's all right.
I don't mind.
Now, listen.
There seems to be some sort of attitude prevalent in this country, which is to view everything I do in the worst possible light - I didn't ask you back 'ere for that.
No, no, don't comment - just cut that out.
Shall I tell you why I asked you back here? Because I saw in you, someone who was bound on the same course as what I was.
How do you mean? You're on probation, are ya? I'm on parole.
Are you? Yeah.
That's surprised you, didn't it? What is more, on top of that I have spent 11 years out of my life in the nick.
Now - having said that, I thought you might be interested in taking a bit of advice from an old lag such as myself.
Now, go and finish your soup.
Don't like tomato.
It's very discouraging trying to help people, I think I'll leave it out after you.
I just don't like tomato.
Oh, well, I'll rush round to Fortnum's tomorrow and get you a crate of mock turtle(!) Oxtail.
I quite like oxtail.
Go on, get up and have some sleep, go on.
Use my room, second on the left.
Thanks.
All right, Dad.
I can't do this.
Do what? Trying to put this racing car together.
Oh, you haven't done Raymond's racing car?! That's the only reason why we get that cereal, cos he's collecting the set.
He'll be ever so cross.
RADIO: "All Right Now" by Free What have you done today? Oi! Turn this racket off.
What? Turn this racket off! Why? I like it.
There's someone trying to sleep upstairs.
Who? A girl I met.
A what?! A girl I met.
Down at Dante's cafe, name of Penny.
Now, look here, Dad, when I said what I said this morning I didn't expect you to take it so literal - so quick No, come on, Ingrid, it's not like that.
She's only 16.
She's just in a spot of bother, that's all.
She needed a place.
I just brought her back here and II gave her a bath and a bed.
You gave her a bath?! I didn't GIVE her a bath, no.
I loaned her the facilities, that's all.
I'm just trying to help somebody as I pass along.
I've got naff all else to do, have I? Better than sitting here making plastic racing cars.
Wellwhat's she like? Little waif and stray, little alley cat.
Did anyone see you bring her in here? Only the woman at 27 as usual, why? What might she have thought? She'll think the same as you if her mind's like yours.
You've got to be very careful in your position, Dad.
What d'you intend to do about her? Well I'm hoping she'll go back to her mum voluntary.
I'd like to think I can make her see sense.
Shouldn't you just hand her over to the authorities? No - worst thing you could do.
Betraying her trust, wouldn't I be? If you can't show someone trust, how are they going to learn it? Ah, come on, Dad, it's 12 o'clock and you're still not dressed.
I'm not going anywhere.
It's Saturday.
Is it? It's a lovely sunny day.
Why don't you go to the match? They'll lose.
Now, I'm not having this, Dad.
For a whole week now you've sat round this house morose and depressed.
It was me what lost my purse, not you.
I lost something more fundamental.
I lost my faith in human nature, that's what I lost.
Which certainly will not be restored by watching Orient play Mansfield Town.
You've got to do something with your life, Dad.
Why? Why should I? Everything I do goes wrong - always has and always will.
Now, that's not true.
You made this, didn't you? Oh, dear! It's not easy putting one of these together.
It's a lovely job you've done.
I'm going to christen it now, I'm going to water the geraniums.
Be able to water nine at once now, won't you? DOORBELL RINGS Oh, was that the door? No, it was a window.
Dad, it's My name's Arthur Boyle, I'm, er Come on in.
Oh, dear.
I'm Penny's d Well, not her dad exactly, but the next best thing.
Yeah, I know.
Arthur, she said, yeah.
Could I have a word with you in private? Suppose so, yes.
Come on in.
You stay here.
I believe this is yours.
No, not mine.
No, I never carry one of those - try my daughter.
Yeah, I got the address from the driving licence.
Let me know if there's cash missing, I'll let you have it back.
Police nabbed her, did they? No, she found us.
Reverse charges of course.
So I drove up and fetched her.
I see.
Listen, I know what you did.
What did she say I did? No, she said you tried to help, so I just wanted to say thank you.
Oh, yeah, well If there was more people around like you, who knows what, eh? Yeah, well She's a bit of a tearaway, I'm afraid, but still, she did make that phone call thanks to you, so Yeah, well.
Down to her mum and me now, I suppose.
It's £2 short, near enough.
Would you like a cup of tea? Yeah, or a glass of beer? No, I'd best be off, traffic and that.
Come on, then.
Well, thanks.
Ta-ta.
All right, girl? Thought better of it, did you? I'll be in the car - don't be too long.
So it's back to Portsmouth, is it? Yeah, suppose so.
It's nice there - healthy.
Keep away from the sailors.
I can look after myself.
Yes, yes, so you said.
Thanks for bringing Ingrid's purse back, though.
I can't help pinching things.
When I see them, I just take them.
First thing I've ever given back.
Well, that's a start, innit? No harm done.
You took it, you returned it.
Just think of it like a library book.
I pinch them as well.
I could do with a few of them to put on my shelves over the sideboard.
Well, they're UNDER the sideboard at the moment You'd better get off, then.
Go on.
Yeah.
Oh, thanks for the use of your bed - nice, I liked it.
Yeah, well See ya, then.
Here, are you going to give your Uncle Norman a kiss then? You're too soft.
That's your trouble.
Ta-ra, then.
Are you sure you didn't give her a bath? Now, now, now, I've told you.
If that kiss was anything to go by, you must have given her more than a cheese sandwich while I was out.
Don't be crude, Ingrid! Good job you didn't put that pelmet back up, it'd be down again by now.
Don't be crude, I said! Not only crude, but wildly inaccurate.
Oh, yeah? Yeah - what proof you got? None.
I'm just going by the gleam in your eye, that's all.
Nothing much the matter with your sex drive.
Sex drive nothing.
I just had my faith restored in human nature, ain't I? I think I will go to the match after all.
With the luck the way it is, they might just scrape a point, right? HE SINGS TO HIMSELF It's bucked you up, hasn't it? Yeah.
Yeah, it has.
Yes, it's a nice feeling.
Missionaries must feel a bit like that, you know.
It can't be all beer and skittles, can it, out in the jungle? With all the heat and the "titsy flies", know what I mean? Well, then suddenly, into the clearing walk this group of young head hunters, and they throw down their spears and they say, "We want to learn the catechism.
" Makes it all worthwhile.
Yeah, then they eat him.
Only a joke.
Here, I tell you what I'm going to do - I'm going to put on a nice clean shirt and I'm going to have a bath.
No, I'll have a bath first, then I'll put on a nice clean shirt.
Then I'm going to take you all out for a celebration.
Yeah, do you good.
I'm going to take you, young Godber and Raymond and whoever he's knocking about with all down the White Hart.
What are you going to use for money? I've thought of that.
I'm going to take advantage of that handout you offered me earlier on.
Where'd you put it? It's under the tea caddy.
Naffin' hell! What? She's pinched the bleedin' fiver! # I'm going straight, I am # Straight as an arrow # I've paid the price and done me time # I'm going straight, I am # Along the straight and narrow # And I don't mean straight back to crime.
#
Dad, if you've got a moment Huh.
If I've got a moment(!) Just nip down to Cochrane's, get a few things in.
Oh, that'll add a bit of excitement to my day, nipping down to Cochrane's, that asthmatic old twit.
What is this? It's teabags, Golden Shred, Brussels sprouts, mandarin oranges, half a dozen eggs, scouring Ooh, and I forgot.
Um "Brian Flakes"? Who's that? No, Dad, bran flakes! I don't like bran flakes.
Ah, but they've got a special offer on this month.
Genuine folk art watering can kits.
Oh, right.
I'll eat them instead then.
That'll give me something to do this afternoon, won't it, eh - I can come home and erect a watering can kit.
Don't forget you've got to go and see your probation officer today.
Tomorrow.
Dad What? Dad I know it's hard, I know what you've been going through, but you knew it weren't going to be easy.
Now, you mustn't let things get on top of you.
You never have.
I know.
I didn't think it was going to be as hard as this, that's all.
I want to make myself useful, you know, I want to have a job.
But with MY record Now That's not true.
There's over a million unemployed in this country.
There's boys what left Raymond's school two years ago who don't know nothing else but a dole queue.
Yeah, but it's this attitude of cynicism and mistrust I keep coming up against - which in turn makes ME more cynical, and that's something I've always resisted.
I mean, I went into the post office the other day just to get a postal order for me pools.
They've got a fourpenny biro there chained to the wall! I mean - still didn't write, but it was chained to the wall! Well, that's normal these days, Dad, it's the mood of the country.
You've got to get used to it, it's been like that for a while.
'Course - we did have a brief respite for the Jubilee celebrations, butthat's behind us now.
Yeah.
Well, it's getting me down, that's all I can say, girl.
How's your sex drive, Dad? What sort of a question is that for a daughter to ask her father?! A perfectly healthy one.
I don't think things like that should be swept under the carpet no more.
What's my sex drive got to do with anything? It could have a great deal.
Because I think your lack of it is symptomatic of your general malaise.
I mean, you was always a man - with a man's appetite.
Yeah, that reminds me, what happened to that boiled egg? Dad, you know what I mean.
Here you are with Mum gone, out of prison - and you ain't so much as looked at a woman.
You don't think I'd bring a woman into this house, do you, Ingrid? I've got some sort of decorum and decency, you know.
I would not embarrass the other members of this household by consorting in this very house with a woman of the opposite sex.
I don't see why you shouldn't, all the rest of us do.
Not Raymond, surely? I mean, he hasn't got the energy, has he? Or the charm.
Oh, you'd be surprised.
Girls like Raymond.
Oh, what do they like about him, his National Health acne(?) You can take it from me that he's got no problems in that direction - it's you what I'm worried about.
You see, I think you're going through your mid-life crisis.
Like what this article in Cosmopolitan said last week.
"The male menopause - cause and effect.
" Listen, Ingrid, we will have none of that sort of talk in this house! You shock me at times, you do, you really do.
I'm not being rude, Dad, that's medical.
Well, medical things ARE rude, ain't they? You're so set in your ways.
Yes, I am! And I will not have any of this permissive, liberated talk in this house.
I'll tell you what my mid-life crisis is, shall I? Shall I spell it out for you? I am a 45 year-old ex-lag, with no money, no prospects and as of now, no wife.
Now, for the sake of my family, I'm trying to go straight - which means at my age, with my qualifications, my future holds about as much excitement as a wet Sunday afternoon in Merthyr Tydfil.
Why Merthyr Tydfil? I'll tell you why - because they got more pubs there than anywhere else in Britain - and they're all shut Sundays! 'Ere you are, Dad.
You take this.
No, I've got the money for the groceries No, that's just something for your pocket.
Ingrid, I will not take a handout from my family, thank you very much.
Well, you always took it from Mum.
I get plenty of tips, you see - that's one of the perks of being a manicurist.
Well - that and free nail varnish.
Well, bring me a bottle of that then.
I'm sorry, Ingrid - I'm not being ungracious, I just haven't come down to that yet.
Well, I tell you what, I'll put it underneath our Jubilee tea caddy just in case you change your mind.
All right, suit yourself.
Dad have you been doing some of your home improvements to this kitchen door? I have, as a matter of fact - I've fitted draught excluders.
Yeah, I thought you'd done something.
It's freezing in 'ere! 'Ey, Fletch! Come sta? Va bene? Hello, Dante.
Never mind all the Italian bonhomie, let's have a cup of tea and a Kit-Kat, shall we? Si.
Morning, Perce.
Eightten Shut up, I'm counting.
Finished your milk round early, ain't ya? Been giving the horse Benzedrine again(?) Nah.
I ain't had a horse since before you went in.
Ain't ya? Must be a bit of a job pulling that cart round on your tod.
Nah, don't be daft, it's all electric now.
Oh, an all-electric horse, what will they think of next? One-a cuppa tea! Hey-hey - "One-a cuppa tea"! He used to talk broad Cockney at school.
Help-a yourself to sugar.
I will, I will.
Oh, blimey, not you as well - look at this 'Fraid someone's going to steal your British Railways teaspoon, are ya? What's-a wrong with you? Got out of bed the wrong end? I wish I hadn't got out of bed at all sometimes, I really do.
'Ere, 'ere! What? You're my age, ain't you? Thereabouts.
I'm-a 39.
You lying git, you got a son of 26! In-a Sicily, we come to manhood early.
Oh, yes? Agreed.
But you come from Stoke Newington, don't you? Listen, I'm a busy man.
Oh, really - what you doing, taking in washing(?) What do you want to ask-a me? I want to show you something.
Are you ready? Si.
Here we go.
Go! Santa madre! Che paio di tette Yes, yes, yes - well, I don't understand the language but I get the gist of it.
Now, I used to be exactly like that, right? Especially when I was in the nick.
Now, this morning, this very morning, I went straight past her and right on to the sporting section.
Yeah.
I was much more interested in Orient's crippling injury list.
What do you say me? I don't-a get it.
No, I don't get it either.
Precisely.
But my point is, I'm not sure I still WANT it.
Now, that is very worrying for a man of my age, innit? Ah, sorry I think it's the stuff they used to put in the prison tea, you know.
I think it's just beginning to work.
Mind if I sit here, love? Ta.
Perce - do me a favour, would ya? Don't tempt me.
There's a lad.
Come on, Fletch, I've got to do that column all over again now.
Huh.
Gratitude for ya.
Like a bit of Kit-Kat? You sod! Pardon? You heard.
I was hoping I heard wrong.
Well, you didn't.
Ah, well.
All tallies - that's me finished.
Off home, then, Perce, to the wife? Or that little number in Sycamore Crescent? What little number? You know who I'm on about.
The one whose husband's on the oil rig.
Listen, I'm not your common-or-garden randy milkman.
I'm not talking about in the garden, am I? Or on the Common.
I'm talking about Sycamore Crescent.
Well, I ain't that sort neither.
Ain't ya? No, I ain't.
Oh, dear.
Must have got what I got.
I'm going round the betting shop, d'you want one on? Ah, si D'you want a bet on, Fletch? I'd do Arctic Lady, 4 o'clock, Kempton.
No, no, no.
"Gambling is the child of avarice, and the father of sin.
" George Washington said that, you know.
Or was it Eric Catchpole? Who's Eric Catchpole? Philosopher and wit.
Used to play left-half for Brentford.
He was the man who said "Show me a milkman in high heels and I will show you a Dairy Queen.
" Ta-da Mind how you go, Perce.
Don't take any wooden yoghurts.
Good that, ain't it, eh? Dairy Queen - milkman in high heels.
Oh, never mind.
You're the life and soul of the party, in't ya? No, I'm nobody.
Like to rabbit though, don't you? How old are you to talk to me like that? How old do I have to be to talk to you like that? I didn't ask you to sit 'ere.
I sat here to save you from yourself.
I can look after meself, thanks very much.
Here y'are.
What? Get some of that inside you, I reckon you need it.
No, I don't.
Why do you come here then, for his Italian cuisine or what? I just come here, don't I? Listen, if you're desperate enough to put your hand into Perce's purse in broad daylight, then you are in dire need of a cup of tea, so get it down you.
Another cup of tea, Dante.
'Ey God, the last of the big-a spender.
I can't pay for this tea.
Didn't think you could.
Sleeping rough, are ya? What if I am? Runaway, are ya? What if I am? Not from round 'ere? What if I'm not? Oh, Gawd! Come on.
Look, I'm not the law, I'm not the welfare, and I ain't the vicar.
So? So just relax, girl, that's all I'm saying.
Relax.
Look at ya.
Taut as a fiddle string, ain't ya? On drugs, are ya? Uppers, is it? Bleedin' wish I WAS.
Well, that's a point of contact anyway.
Why? You got some? No.
Well, what's your game, then? You come over here, you sit down - I didn't ask.
What are you, a dirty old man? Want to buy me a bar of chocolate and get a quick touch-up? You're a dirty little girl in more ways than one, you know.
You don't know me.
I know you need a bath.
It's-a sugar.
Oh, thank you.
JUST sugar, I hope.
I wouldn't put it past that probation officer to come round here and keep up the treatment.
What's your name, then? Margaret Thatcher.
Oh Nice to meet you, Margaret.
My name is Norman Stanley Fletcher - known as Fletch.
I WAS joking Was you? Don't you know who Margaret Thatcher is? You thick or something? Who is she, then? Well - she's in the government, isn't she? Ain't you seen her on the telly with her hairdos? No, she is not one of the government, as a matter of fact - she is, in fact, the leader of Her Majesty's Opposition.
Same thing, innit - MPs? 'Ere thought you said you didn't know her? That was to stimulate political argument.
Blimey! You don't 'alf talk funny.
How old are you? 36.
You look older.
'Ey! Good morning, Sarge.
Sit-a down.
I bring you the best-a cuppa tea you ever taste in your whole-a life.
Black coffee, please.
You are on the run, ain't ya? Eh? Don't worry, I'm not going to give you in, am I? It's just that I only live round the corner.
Now I've got two daughters, who've got a wardrobe which is permanently obsolescent.
In my opinion, you could do with a fresh change of clothing, and certainly a bath.
I think that is an offer you're in no state to refuse, don't you? OK, then.
Well, come on, if you're comin'.
Haven't finished me tea yet.
Blimey 'Ey, Fletch! It didn't-a take-a you long, eh? What? To get-a your urges back! Naff off.
Go on.
DANTE CHUCKLES Some soup here.
Water weren't very hot.
Well, the soup is.
Get it down your neck.
Gawd! It is an' all - I've burnt me bleedin' tongue! Ssh, ssh, ssh.
'Ere, 'ere Find any clothes to fit you, did you? Weren't my size.
Well, they weren't bought for you, were they? What'd you say your name was? Fletch, they call me.
Mine's Penny.
Good, good.
Now, where you from, Penny? Well, I used to live in Camberwell.
It's all right there.
I mean, I'd always lived there.
That's were all me mates are.
Then me mum and Arthur moved to Portsmouth.
Arthur? Yeah.
Bloke she lives with.
He's all right - just he works in Portsmouth.
There ain't nothing to do there.
Handy for the Isle of Wight though, innit? So I just left.
I was going to stay with this mate of mine, Terry.
He's great, Terry.
He's a bit mad, like - but he's all right.
He doesn't give a monkey's about anything.
You'd like him.
I doubt it.
One of these punks, is he? No, he's not.
He hates punks.
Oh, well, that's something we've got in common then.
Yeah.
That's why they sent him away.
He duffed three of them up behind Peckham Odeon.
Charming(!) So, he's gone - what are your plans now, then? Well, I can't hang around the Camberwell.
Cops know me there.
I'm on probation.
Oh, yeah? I was going to stay with this other friend of mine lives round here.
Pauline Soper.
D'you know her? No.
She may have moved.
I don't know what I'll do next.
Well, you look worn out.
I suggest when you've eaten what you're going to eat you better go and get some kip.
Whatwith you? Pardon? Don't you fancy me? It's all right.
I don't mind.
Now, listen.
There seems to be some sort of attitude prevalent in this country, which is to view everything I do in the worst possible light - I didn't ask you back 'ere for that.
No, no, don't comment - just cut that out.
Shall I tell you why I asked you back here? Because I saw in you, someone who was bound on the same course as what I was.
How do you mean? You're on probation, are ya? I'm on parole.
Are you? Yeah.
That's surprised you, didn't it? What is more, on top of that I have spent 11 years out of my life in the nick.
Now - having said that, I thought you might be interested in taking a bit of advice from an old lag such as myself.
Now, go and finish your soup.
Don't like tomato.
It's very discouraging trying to help people, I think I'll leave it out after you.
I just don't like tomato.
Oh, well, I'll rush round to Fortnum's tomorrow and get you a crate of mock turtle(!) Oxtail.
I quite like oxtail.
Go on, get up and have some sleep, go on.
Use my room, second on the left.
Thanks.
All right, Dad.
I can't do this.
Do what? Trying to put this racing car together.
Oh, you haven't done Raymond's racing car?! That's the only reason why we get that cereal, cos he's collecting the set.
He'll be ever so cross.
RADIO: "All Right Now" by Free What have you done today? Oi! Turn this racket off.
What? Turn this racket off! Why? I like it.
There's someone trying to sleep upstairs.
Who? A girl I met.
A what?! A girl I met.
Down at Dante's cafe, name of Penny.
Now, look here, Dad, when I said what I said this morning I didn't expect you to take it so literal - so quick No, come on, Ingrid, it's not like that.
She's only 16.
She's just in a spot of bother, that's all.
She needed a place.
I just brought her back here and II gave her a bath and a bed.
You gave her a bath?! I didn't GIVE her a bath, no.
I loaned her the facilities, that's all.
I'm just trying to help somebody as I pass along.
I've got naff all else to do, have I? Better than sitting here making plastic racing cars.
Wellwhat's she like? Little waif and stray, little alley cat.
Did anyone see you bring her in here? Only the woman at 27 as usual, why? What might she have thought? She'll think the same as you if her mind's like yours.
You've got to be very careful in your position, Dad.
What d'you intend to do about her? Well I'm hoping she'll go back to her mum voluntary.
I'd like to think I can make her see sense.
Shouldn't you just hand her over to the authorities? No - worst thing you could do.
Betraying her trust, wouldn't I be? If you can't show someone trust, how are they going to learn it? Ah, come on, Dad, it's 12 o'clock and you're still not dressed.
I'm not going anywhere.
It's Saturday.
Is it? It's a lovely sunny day.
Why don't you go to the match? They'll lose.
Now, I'm not having this, Dad.
For a whole week now you've sat round this house morose and depressed.
It was me what lost my purse, not you.
I lost something more fundamental.
I lost my faith in human nature, that's what I lost.
Which certainly will not be restored by watching Orient play Mansfield Town.
You've got to do something with your life, Dad.
Why? Why should I? Everything I do goes wrong - always has and always will.
Now, that's not true.
You made this, didn't you? Oh, dear! It's not easy putting one of these together.
It's a lovely job you've done.
I'm going to christen it now, I'm going to water the geraniums.
Be able to water nine at once now, won't you? DOORBELL RINGS Oh, was that the door? No, it was a window.
Dad, it's My name's Arthur Boyle, I'm, er Come on in.
Oh, dear.
I'm Penny's d Well, not her dad exactly, but the next best thing.
Yeah, I know.
Arthur, she said, yeah.
Could I have a word with you in private? Suppose so, yes.
Come on in.
You stay here.
I believe this is yours.
No, not mine.
No, I never carry one of those - try my daughter.
Yeah, I got the address from the driving licence.
Let me know if there's cash missing, I'll let you have it back.
Police nabbed her, did they? No, she found us.
Reverse charges of course.
So I drove up and fetched her.
I see.
Listen, I know what you did.
What did she say I did? No, she said you tried to help, so I just wanted to say thank you.
Oh, yeah, well If there was more people around like you, who knows what, eh? Yeah, well She's a bit of a tearaway, I'm afraid, but still, she did make that phone call thanks to you, so Yeah, well.
Down to her mum and me now, I suppose.
It's £2 short, near enough.
Would you like a cup of tea? Yeah, or a glass of beer? No, I'd best be off, traffic and that.
Come on, then.
Well, thanks.
Ta-ta.
All right, girl? Thought better of it, did you? I'll be in the car - don't be too long.
So it's back to Portsmouth, is it? Yeah, suppose so.
It's nice there - healthy.
Keep away from the sailors.
I can look after myself.
Yes, yes, so you said.
Thanks for bringing Ingrid's purse back, though.
I can't help pinching things.
When I see them, I just take them.
First thing I've ever given back.
Well, that's a start, innit? No harm done.
You took it, you returned it.
Just think of it like a library book.
I pinch them as well.
I could do with a few of them to put on my shelves over the sideboard.
Well, they're UNDER the sideboard at the moment You'd better get off, then.
Go on.
Yeah.
Oh, thanks for the use of your bed - nice, I liked it.
Yeah, well See ya, then.
Here, are you going to give your Uncle Norman a kiss then? You're too soft.
That's your trouble.
Ta-ra, then.
Are you sure you didn't give her a bath? Now, now, now, I've told you.
If that kiss was anything to go by, you must have given her more than a cheese sandwich while I was out.
Don't be crude, Ingrid! Good job you didn't put that pelmet back up, it'd be down again by now.
Don't be crude, I said! Not only crude, but wildly inaccurate.
Oh, yeah? Yeah - what proof you got? None.
I'm just going by the gleam in your eye, that's all.
Nothing much the matter with your sex drive.
Sex drive nothing.
I just had my faith restored in human nature, ain't I? I think I will go to the match after all.
With the luck the way it is, they might just scrape a point, right? HE SINGS TO HIMSELF It's bucked you up, hasn't it? Yeah.
Yeah, it has.
Yes, it's a nice feeling.
Missionaries must feel a bit like that, you know.
It can't be all beer and skittles, can it, out in the jungle? With all the heat and the "titsy flies", know what I mean? Well, then suddenly, into the clearing walk this group of young head hunters, and they throw down their spears and they say, "We want to learn the catechism.
" Makes it all worthwhile.
Yeah, then they eat him.
Only a joke.
Here, I tell you what I'm going to do - I'm going to put on a nice clean shirt and I'm going to have a bath.
No, I'll have a bath first, then I'll put on a nice clean shirt.
Then I'm going to take you all out for a celebration.
Yeah, do you good.
I'm going to take you, young Godber and Raymond and whoever he's knocking about with all down the White Hart.
What are you going to use for money? I've thought of that.
I'm going to take advantage of that handout you offered me earlier on.
Where'd you put it? It's under the tea caddy.
Naffin' hell! What? She's pinched the bleedin' fiver! # I'm going straight, I am # Straight as an arrow # I've paid the price and done me time # I'm going straight, I am # Along the straight and narrow # And I don't mean straight back to crime.
#