Grand Crew (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1 - You have lost your damn mind.
- Nah, you tripping, bro.
I'm not arguing with you about this.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What's up with you two? I asked Sherm, "What would be scarier to fight, 20 badgers or 1 bear?" and this fool said 20 badgers.
Yes, because it's obvious, Wyatt.
You can beat one animal, but 20 little freaks? That's four paws each, five claws per paw.
That's 400 claws.
You are done for.
But bears are huge.
They're like 600 pounds of pure muscle.
You wouldn't stand a chance.
I'm not scared of weight.
I'm scared of teamwork.
20 little brains all working together like a damn badger wireless network.
Are y'all still arguing about this? A bear is way scarier, okay? They're the heavyweights of the forest.
It's like saying you would rather fight Evander Holyfield - than 20 little kids.
- I would.
- Kids scare the crap out of me.
They are ruthless.
"Lord of the Flies" much? Sherm's right.
I once saw a five-year-old pull the legs off a lizard while laughing.
What are we even fighting about now? - Kids versus Holyfield.
- Keep up.
Holyfield would crush 20 little kids.
- 20 kids all day.
- What are you talking about? Whoop, whoop Cabernet and sauvignon Team is here and now it's on Carry on and Carignan, sippin' on Perignon Fine wine, got notes like a cello Pull up in the spot like hello If you got me, then I got you This is the vibe, this is the crew Grand crew, grand crew, uh Grand crew, grand crew, grand crew, uh Grand crew It's not often we get graced with the presence of Wyatt's other half.
Thanks for the drinks, you two.
Don't thank me.
Thank my high-powered, sexy lawyer wife who can strong-arm anyone in Hollywood.
She's the one that makes the money.
Hey, since you're an attorney, I gotta ask you about this judge I went on a date with.
You're dating a judge? That is amazing.
I suppose.
However, when we went out for coffee, she wore her judge's robe.
- That's weird, ain't it? - Eh.
Maybe she was just coming from work.
It would be kind of like if a doctor showed up wearing scrubs.
Yeah, I've seen some judges in their robes outside of the courthouse.
I don't know.
I'm with Sherm.
When I was dancing on Broadway, I wouldn't wear my costume to a date.
Wait, you were on Broadway? Mm-hmm.
Nothing crazy.
Just "Wicked", "Color Purple.
" I was a giraffe in "The Lion King.
" Yeah, I feel like I've known you for so long that I forget that we just met.
I don't know anything about you.
You pretty much know everything.
There's really not that much more to learn.
Anyway, can I get anybody anything from the bar? We have a great Merlot from Argentina in.
Wait, why did you say it like that? - Do you work here now? - I do.
I needed a job.
Yup, there's nothing else to learn about you.
Great talk.
- What's good, y'all? - Okay.
That's right, you're looking at the newest vice president at Joseph & Phillips Accounting Incorporated! That means King TUT is in the building.
- I love King TUT.
- King TUT? Oh, it stands for Turn Up Tony, his party persona from college.
Whenever he aced an exam, and now, whenever he gets a promotion, he transforms into King TUT.
And also because he gets so drunk, he falls asleep with his arms crossed like a mummy.
I detect no lies.
Y'all down to get it in tonight? I'm definitely down to get it in, but I actually have to make a run first.
I am getting my hair did.
- Okay, okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
The self-care journey continues, and I'm calling it self-hair.
- Don't call it that.
- Okay, I won't call it that.
I'm not gonna call it self-hair, but you guys get the vibe.
- Peace.
- Peace.
Yo, what's up with you, Fay? Coming out with us tonight? Yeah, I just gotta do some laundry first.
All my clothes are a mess from making cookies.
I love baking.
Huh, not shocking new information, but new information nonetheless.
- My godfather is Famous Amos.
- Well, there it is.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have a quorum, which means that tonight is a TUT party where the champagne flows like the River Nile.
Oh.
Oh, dang.
There's a wildfire in Griffith Park, and our place is in the evacuation zone.
- Yeah, mine too.
- Damn, so is the bar.
Well, I guess the party is postponed, y'all.
Not necessarily.
I know a place not in the zone where you all could spend the night.
Welcome to the Wyattdorf Kristoria.
Oh, this is gonna be lit.
I'm talking about the vibes, not the wildfire.
Yeah, but should we be worried about how frequent these fires are happening? I'm sure the scientists are figuring it out.
We're good.
Yeah, man.
Wyatt, I always forget how dope your house is.
This is a TUT hut.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah, I can definitely pass out here.
Man.
It is so dope that your wife is the breadwinner.
I mean, I'm not trying to settle down, but if I was, that would be the move.
Sure.
My wife is the provider, but we both have our roles.
I take care of the house.
And yeah, she may bring home the bacon, but I'm the one who cooks it.
And she may make the bread, but I'm the one who makes the sandwiches.
And she may buy the limes, but I'm the one who makes - Margaritas anyone? - Oh, yes.
- Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
- I thought he was gonna go on forever.
Ooh, this margarita is too good.
- Kristen, how dare you? - It's actually my recipe.
No, I made some adjustments.
A little Kristen kiss of mezcal.
Sorry, I'm late y'all.
What's happening? - Wow.
- Wow.
So they didn't finish your hair because of the fire? - No, this is what I asked for.
- It looks perfect.
That is a TUT cut if I've ever seen one.
You look crazy.
You know, Old Noah might've taken this passive-aggression and dwelled on it, but new Noah doesn't care.
I've been reading "The Three Pillars of Zen," and I feel more relaxed than my hair, baby.
Well, can I get anyone anything else? Coffee, tea, juice? - Coffee, tea, juice? - How about shots, shots, shots? - Hey.
- Yes.
Now, Kristen, we might need to evacuate your house soon because you are on fire with the hosting.
She's so great.
Hey, babe, can I talk to you for a second in the study? Sure.
Hey, I know you have, like, a lot of work that you probably have to do.
You don't have to be doing any hosting duties.
Hosting is kind of my thing.
So you're saying I don't know how to host? No, I'm just saying that I've been hosting since the womb.
In fact, I left the womb better than it was before I got in there.
The doctors were in awe.
Okay, then, well, if you think you're a better host, why don't we find out? Let the houseguests decide.
A hosting competition? Okay.
Okay, but I won't hold back.
I must break you.
Bitch, I'm gonna crush you, crumble you up, and then put you in a dish as a garnish while I eat you alive.
I'm gonna host so good that it's gonna make you sick, and then I will nurse you back to health because that's how dope of a host I am.
I'm gonna cut your head off with a knife.
My bad.
I got carried away.
Don't apologize.
I loved it.
As you know, we are elated to have you all here today.
So much so that we decided to make hosting you guys a friendly competition between lovers.
Y'all are cute.
Whoever loses has to do that freaky thing that the other one likes in the bedroom.
- We did not need to know that part.
- Yes, you did.
You need to know that the stakes are high, sexually.
Or low depending on who wins.
You are nasty.
- Oh, you're nasty.
- You're nasty.
- No, you are nasty.
- You're nasty.
- Aye, aye, aye.
Too horny.
- Don't listen to him.
We all get horny, and sex is what made us.
Sex is life, and life is beautiful.
- Thank you, Long Hair Noah.
- First up is dinner.
And at the Wyatt Hyatt, we would like to bring you Ye Rustic Inn, wings, nachos, and a veggie deluxe burger for Anthony's plant-based needs.
My treat.
Thank you.
Dope.
Or you can head over to the Ritz-Kristen and try this new spot off Hillhurst called Nossa.
Hmm, what's that Nossa talking about? - They talking about plantains.
- Ooh.
- They talking about sangria.
- Aye.
They talking about all the flavors of Brazil.
Yo! Now that is the better choice.
It's all good.
You know, hosting is a marathon, not a sprint.
Is there anything else I can do for anyone? Fay, weren't you saying that you needed to do laundry? Oh, yeah.
If you don't mind, my laundry is in the car.
Wyatt, we just got that new machine.
We don't know how to use it yet.
Oh, you don't, but I do.
Okay, so I have no idea how to use this thing.
Then why did you say you did? Because I'm trying to win a marriage competition, and you all wanted to eat at Nossa.
Well, it's just a washing machine.
I mean, how complicated can it be? It's the Schweistinger Grosse Macht Siében-Funf.
The BMW of washing machines.
There are no buttons, only this tablet, and it's all in German.
Not a problem.
I know German.
You do? My ex-husband was from Germany.
- You were married? - Yeah, but not for long.
That's what happens when you find love on a reality show.
Reality show? Damn girl, who are you? Yes! All right, good.
Just remember that your host hooked you up.
Ooh, King TUT's first outfit change.
I've been waiting for this.
Thank you, sir.
The look that I'm going for is "accountant that's so fly, you're worried he's gonna steal your money.
" Oh yeah, I definitely see it.
I'd be very suspicious of you.
- Thank you.
- So the plot is thickening between me and Judge Eva, y'all.
We followed each other on Instagram today.
And look, she got one picture up, and it's of her in a robe.
Who cares? A robe ain't nothing but a wide dress, and life ain't nothing but a dress for the universe.
- Oh, yes.
- What? Well, I think Eva sounds really sweet.
Maybe you should invite her over for dinner so you can see her outside of the robe.
That is a great idea.
Kristen, you are the best host.
I have an announcement.
As your host, I will be providing each of you with your own air mattresses.
Bro, you got five air mattresses? Yes, because I am always prepared, and I care about your comfort.
Well, mostly because he meant to buy 1 but accidentally bought 11.
The quantity button is tricky.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some mattresses to inflate.
- Oh, yes.
- Yes, cheers! You figure out the dryer.
I got this.
Okay.
Hold up.
The door won't open.
Something's wrong.
Oh, this is bad.
I think I broke it.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I don't think that's helpful.
All right, y'all, allow me to present to you wardrobe change number two, the accountant who's gotten one too many questions from the IRS and just touched down in Costa Rica.
Man, King TUT don't miss.
Take my money, King.
I just got an email.
I'm live on the company site, which means I'm finally on the officers' page.
Are y'all ready to pop some champagne? - Allow me to pop it? - No! Ha.
Clearly, he wants me, the better host, to pop it.
No, no, not that.
They didn't put me on the officers' page.
They put me on my own page titled "Celebrating Diversity.
" Am I just a damn token to them? Celebrating diversity? They need to celebrate these nuts.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too, but you know what? The world is always spinning, and all that means is that eventually, you'll end up on the other side.
My foot's about to end up on the other side of your ass.
Okay, I'll walk away, baby.
Ooh, that must be Judge Eva.
Hey.
Oh.
You just coming from work? - No.
- Oh, okay, cool.
Yeah, that's what's up.
Hey, everybody, I'd like y'all to meet Judge Eva.
As you can tell, she's just coming from home.
Hi.
Nice to meet you all.
Thank you so much for having me over for dinner.
So about dinner, I just found out that our delivery from Nossa got canceled.
They were overwhelmed with orders because of the fire.
Damn.
Score one host point for Wyatt.
Oh, this ain't over yet.
- Don't sleep.
- Oh, I'm wide awake.
Not for long, 'cause you are about to get slept.
Keep talking, keep talking.
Oh, hey, Sherm, here's a glass of wine, and remember, dinner didn't come because of Kristen.
You good, bro? This competition is starting to feel a little too real.
No, this is what Kristen and I do.
We're just a fun couple that competes.
- It's our thing.
- Well, it's not fun from the outside.
And while you're celebrating, I'm so hungry, my damn stomach is speaking in tongues.
All I'm hearing is that we need to step it up a notch and get you fed.
Kristen! What's up, dummy? How about we see who can cook a better dinner for everyone in the least amount of time? Oh, "Top Chef" quickfire style.
Sure.
But you're going down.
Oh, we'll see about that.
Alexa, set a timer for 30 minutes so I can flex on my wife in the kitchen.
30 minutes starting now.
Actually, Alexa, update the timer to 20 minutes, because that's all the time I need to destroy my husband.
Ten minutes removed.
You now have about 19 minutes and 51 seconds left.
- Alexa - Just cook the damn food, please.
Damn it.
These buttons aren't fixing anything.
Kristen and Wyatt are gonna be so upset with me.
Oh, boy.
Okay, what are you doing? I sweat when I do something bad, and we just did a very bad thing.
My body's about to rain.
Okay, a new discovery, although not a fun one.
Listen, it's no big deal, Fay.
It's just a washing machine.
To you, maybe, but I lost all my friends in the divorce, and I'm new to this group, and the first thing I do is break the washing machine? I'm gonna be Washing Machine Fay forever.
Oh, damn.
You're right.
They're definitely gonna call you that.
Oh, wow.
You are really sweating.
- I told you.
- I got you covered.
I'm gonna wow, that is a lot of sweat.
I'm gonna text my handyman.
He's gonna fix it.
All we have to do is distract everyone until then.
- How? - By making them feel so good they don't suspect a thing.
I call it the Oprah Technique.
Hey, beautiful Black people.
Oh, your melanin is glistening.
You are all very special.
I love all of you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love your robe, and ooh, that suit is looking real good, King TUT, TUT, TUT, TUT.
I'm not King TUT anymore.
I'm King BUTT.
Big Underwhelming Token Tony.
I don't think the Oprah Technique is working.
Really? 'Cause I don't hear anyone talking about a washing machine right now.
Fay, why are you sweating so much? Oh, she's not sweating.
She's glowing.
She's probably sweating because it's hot in here.
I'ma hang up my jacket.
Can I hang up any extra layers of anyone else? No, thanks, Sherman.
I'm good.
Of course you are.
Dinner! Good evening.
What I have for you is a beautiful seared chicken with the tomato confit and a sprig of homegrown oregano.
And I've prepared fettuccine with a white wine butter sauce, mushrooms, and a chiffonade of crispy sage.
Well, what do you think? I think the food is objectively trash, with all due respect.
Thank you so much for letting us stay here, by the way.
- Did you try mine? - I did; it was just as bad.
20 minutes is not enough time to do what you tried to achieve.
This was a failure.
Thank y'all so much for having us.
Fay, are you okay? You're sweating.
Oh, yeah.
It's just the food.
It's so spicy.
There are no spices.
This dinner is incredible.
Such wonderful textures.
And I love the play on the temperatures.
- Nicky, are you crazy? - This is an abomination.
Just wanna reiterate, I'm truly grateful to be here.
I'm vegan, so I can't eat any of this.
Seems like the first good thing that happened to King BUTT today.
Okay, so it seems that dinner could have been better, but surely y'all can decide that one was less worse than the other, right? I actually don't like giving judgment outside the courtroom.
She always got on a damn robe.
What's that? Did someone call for a repairman? Dang, I told him to text me before he got here.
What is going on? Um Well, earlier- - what happened was, I - I I broke the washing machine.
My brand-new laundry machine? Yes, I did it.
Give me all the blame.
Come in.
It's not your fault.
Wyatt lied and said he knew how to work the machine.
- Some host.
- Not so fast.
There's a repairman here, and he can make it good as new.
That's right, but first, I need a little help finding my tool.
Oh, no.
What the hell is going on in my home? I knew I recognized him from somewhere else.
Okay, what had happened was, I texted Jerry Pipe, who is a stripper, when I meant to text Pipe Jerry, who is my handyman.
Classic mix-up.
Ha, there goes another host point, sucka.
It's just a stripper and a broken machine.
Things are not that bad.
Oh, no.
- What was that? - Cherry Pie, what was that? Damn, that's a lot of bubbles.
I am very sorry, you guys.
Again, this is just my fault.
Nobody else's.
Yeah, you keep reiterating that.
- Is something up? - No.
- No need to apologize.
- I'm sorry on behalf of Wyatt.
He really tried his best as the host, and, well, this is what happened.
Yes, and I should apologize on behalf of my wife, who insists we have the most bougie appliances around.
Those are some shady kisses right there.
Who cares? The world is burning.
Nothing matters.
What is that? Down here from King BUTT.
Come on, brother.
Now isn't the time to take a bath.
It's time for a new path.
Take my hand and follow me on this new journey no! What the hell? My hair.
You ruined my perfect hair.
Oh, your hair was far from perfect.
- How dare you? - I'm still hungry.
- That's Wyatt's fault.
- That's Kristen's fault.
Order.
Order in this living room.
Now she got a gavel.
Everybody, y'all need to pull yourselves together.
You two, why the hell are y'all competing like this? There is clearly a deeper issue here.
Handle it between yourselves.
And you two, it's clear that you were covering for your sweaty friend.
Who cares? It's just a washing machine.
And you, you need a glass of water and some bread.
- Facts.
- And Sherman, I know it bothers you I've been wearing this robe.
Would you like to know why I wear it everywhere? Yes, please.
It's driving me insane.
I'm the first in my family to go to college, the first to go to law school, and the first to become a judge.
I wear this robe because I am proud of myself.
Is that crazy? I mean, yeah.
Kinda.
Whatever.
I don't care what anyone thinks.
I know my worth.
In all of my years as a judge, I have never seen such a blatant display of tomfoolery amongst friends.
Also, your hair was bad.
- That stings.
- It is what it is.
Have a good evening, everyone.
Stay Black.
She's harsh but fair.
- Thanks for the pizza.
- Of course.
Sorry this is the only room not full of suds.
No, it's working for me.
- Yeah, I like it.
- I like it.
So that was the most intense laundry day I've ever had.
Thank you for taking the blame from me.
Of course, that's what friends do.
And I'd say we're pretty close friends now, considering how much I learned about you today.
But I have a lot to learn about you.
You have a stripper saved in your phone? Strippers.
Plural.
Ooh, and each one has a freaky, nasty, unique story, okay? You good, TUT? You know what? I am.
That thing Judge Eva said gave me some new perspective.
Oh, that you needed some bread and water? Yes, that, too, but the thing she said about her robe and her worth.
I'm good at what I do, and I know it, so I called my boss and I took a stand.
Why is everyone white? Do better.
Now, I was a little drunk, but he took it well.
So now I'm on the officers' page.
My man.
Congrats, bro.
Thanks.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Babe, I need to apologize about how I acted today.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Before this gets too real, I wanna remind y'all that this is a small room, so you might want to lower your voices a little.
I'm not ashamed of my feelings.
Y'all gonna have to feel this with me.
I love how successful you are.
It's just sometimes I get insecure about not being a provider.
Babe, I was feeling insecure too.
Damn, I did not expect that.
Can y'all speak up a little bit so we can all hear? Insecure about working too much and not helping out around the house.
You do more than enough.
You are more than enough.
And I am blessed.
I am too.
Truly.
That said, I did win today, and it wasn't even close.
- Okay, yeah, yeah.
I knew it.
- All right.
Good night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
I'm not tired.
Are y'all tired? - No.
- Mm-mm.
I could turn up.
I'm always down.
Thank you all for having me tonight.
Feels good to be a part of something.
- Aww.
- Jerry Pipe, thank you.