Grandma's House (2010) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Go, on, so you saw him in the shop.
Oh, God, I feel deranged.
Carry on, it's funny! Who's Ben Theodore? He's the greatest actor of his generation.
Never heard of him.
Have you? Simon's been obsessed with him for four years.
He's not even famous.
He's the only person I could possibly be with in my life.
He's so talented and thin.
So you said, "Hello.
How are you?" No, that would have been lovely.
What I thought would be really cool and confident would be to just run up behind him and shout his full name.
Why did you shout his name? Cos I don't know how to talk to humans.
It's good he's come to cheer Grandpa up, isn't it? Yeah, you like that one? And then? Then, because I'd started at a certain volume, I thought it'd be a bit odd if I got any quieter.
That'll be Liz.
Then I was stood there shouting at him about the good reviews his drama has had and he's there saying, "I don't really read the reviews," all timid and vulnerable, which is why I love him! Hello, Lilly! You said he wasn't coming.
Yeah.
I lied.
Did you get here OK? Tanya said you've got a TomTom.
How dare you! I thought I'd lost weight.
Already unbearable and not even in the room yet.
Hi! Hello.
Simon's in the middle of a really funny story.
Not really.
Doesn't matter.
Carry on.
No, it's fine.
That was it.
That's it.
Always got a gag in the barrel.
All right, here we go! I'm ready.
Fire.
He tried to chat up this actor he's been obsessed with.
Go on.
Erm What was it? I saw this guy in a shop.
I kept shouting at him about being good at acting.
Go on.
That's it, really.
That's the end.
It didn't work out.
You lost control? That's why I was telling the story.
Did you state your objectives in a clear and concise manner? No.
Somebody needs confidence building.
A bright guy like you should be highlighting your assets.
No.
He does serious work by Chekhov and Pinter.
I'm Pick of the Day in We Love Telly.
Er, you were Pick of the Week.
How are you, Bernie? Cancer.
Oh, Bernie! He's fine.
Shut up all the time.
So how come you're here? Mum said Someone's got to cheer up old Bernie! Course I'm here! Looks like you could do with a laugh.
I've just had a survey done on my house.
9 out of 10 people rather liked it! Ha ha ha.
Not one of mine.
I got that off the web.
Hello.
Hi.
All right, mister? You look smart.
.
.
What's going on? What's that? What is it? A blouse? Yeah, it's a blouse.
Quite frilly.
Well, yeah.
It's a frilly blouse, Tanya.
Can I just have a peaceful day today? OK, it's nice! Is it a bit odd? Or not.
No, it's It is nice.
Show me the back.
I'm not showing you the back.
I want to see it.
You turn round, let me see your back! I'm not showing you my back! Oh, my God! How can he miss that? A sitter.
Oh, yeah.
Look who's here.
Hi.
Oh, afternoon.
Hi, Dad.
You all right? We're here now, we can cheer you up a bit.
Can I borrow your phone? Why? Where's your phone? I dropped it in the toilet.
Trying to take a photo of my shit.
Adam! Don't you look terrific! Did you dress up for me? Sit down.
Sit down.
All right, mate.
Come on, pull up a pew.
Sit down.
The lads are watching the game.
No offence, Si.
Do you want tea? No, thanks, Mum.
How are you, Dad? What's the latest with the operation? Liz, we've decided we're not talking about it today Mum, sit.
Oh, well, that's clever! So is he going to have the chemo? Liz! What do you have to shout it out for? That's what he's having, Tanya, he's got cancer.
You've got dry skin, we don't go on about it.
We just ignore it and hope it'll get better.
I thought it was all done.
It is.
A small operation to remove it and then it's done.
It was the size of a golf ball.
Probably more like your fist now.
Put one fork next to the pickles.
Is Liz's blouse a bit funny to you? I dunno, what's it supposed to be? It's a blouse! Mum likes it, don't you? It's lovely.
Is it a bit tight? No! At the back it's too tight.
Turn around.
Don't talk about the back.
You don't walk into a room like that, do you? Where have you been? I haven't been anywhere.
Why are you dressed like that, then? Like what? Like Prince? Is that a? That's not a crucifix, is it? Oh, God! What is it? Is she wearing a crucifix? My daughter? Why are you wearing a cross? Where have you been? I've been to a church with Adam.
Dressed as Prince? I'm not dressed as Prince! What's going on? I just had to speak to the priest, OK? Have you found Jesus? Jesus! Ha ha ha! What are you talking about? To get Adam into the Catholic school.
You've got to show you go to church, OK? He doesn't need to change schools.
He's fine, Mum.
Don't panic.
Adam needs to be somewhere that's not full of maniacs distracting him.
You know it might be full of Catholics.
It's not a big deal.
This school has the best marks in the borough.
You can't get in unless the priest gives you a good letter of introduction.
Did you sing hymns to Jesus? Can we not make a whole song and dance about it? You can comment once you've had children, all right? What did you sing? Ave Maria? Purple Rain? Can you tell him? Just ignore him.
He's in love.
Apparently, he had some of his ribs removed.
So he can orally pleasure himself.
Oh, Bernie! Who? Prince! Don't you have to be Catholic to get in? No, they have a quota.
You're very quiet.
Has something happened? School can't handle me.
He's tired.
Here it comes.
I can't talk about it with him here.
I need to discuss this with adults.
This is very upsetting.
I'll talk with you and Mum.
You staying long? Of course he is.
What's happened? Don't worry about it! Getting too much pussy for 'em.
Oh! He's not getting too much anything! Just enough pussy? Oh, I might have invited Deborah Adler over later.
You remember her? Deborah Adler? What do you mean, might have? I haven't seen her in 20 years.
Where did you see her? Hospital canteen.
She's got stiff legs.
Stiff legs.
She has trouble squatting.
Maybe she should stay where she is.
She needs to squat so much, this woman? She wants to bring me soup.
Soup! She was always busy busy.
I couldn't be bothered with her.
Which one's Deborah Adler? You went to her theatre club.
Miss Adler? Oh, I loved her.
She taught me to sing.
What, you had lessons? Don't worry, I'll get you your money back.
She thought I could be on the West End stage.
Your grandma wouldn't let me go to auditions.
It was so far away.
Dangerous to go to London and sing.
Sing at home! Maybe she fancies you, Dad? She's not coming! Not Deborah Adler, the acting coach? You've heard of her? She wrote a book called Allowing Yourself To Be.
Oh, God help us! Don't get involved with her.
She'll try to get in with you.
Is she famous? She's quite a big deal.
There you go, bigging up other people.
Acting! Taking the mick out of pop singers - now that's a skill.
Is she from Gants Hill? Beechwood Gardens.
Maybe I should call her, tell her we're busy.
No, no, no, she trained Ben Theodore.
Hm? She should come.
Why can't she come? She should come.
Mum, we've got enough going on without this woman coming round.
My God! Is that why you named your cat Ben? No, that would be a ridiculous thing for a person to have done.
Who is this Ben Theodore character, anyway? He's hardly Mel Gibson.
Sorry.
We don't say that name in this house.
Apparently, Ben mostly does theatre.
Do we have to say it like that? You liked that child abuse drama he did.
My Name Is Toby.
Oh, we saw that.
He was good.
Excellent.
The one with Timothy Spall, yeah? Your one was only in it for ten minutes.
Eat your roll, Simon.
And he mumbled.
Put me on edge.
He was so thin it was like he was ill.
That's my type.
I like the idea I could go on a date with him and it could be his last date.
Yeah.
Not in front of Adam.
He hasn't got personality.
He's all twitchy.
No wonder he got abused.
He makes very brave choices.
He's not multi-talented like you.
What can I do? You do the balloon animals.
There you go! What have I been doing with my life? That sounds like loser talk to me.
Do you want to be a loser? No.
Good man.
Is anyone else totally bored? I can't look at you, going to church! What's wrong with the school he's in? I'm not discussing it.
The whole place is ridiculous.
A girl last week got pregnant, OK? Maybe you should send him to a school where they don't believe in condoms.
It's funny stuff, mate, but it's a minefield.
I'd give it a wide berth, if I were you.
How did Grandpa woo you? I had a little Box Brownie.
I took a photo of Lil at a party and she agreed to meet me a week later to see it developed.
That's a nice story.
Where's the photo? Do you have the photo? No, he forgot to put the flash on.
So what if a girl got pregnant.
It's not Adam's, is it? Oh, God forbid! You know what is on the rise? Chlamydia.
Bernie, do you want to go upstairs and have a sleep? Adam, go and watch TV.
I can't believe you know Deborah Adler.
I'm in alignment with the universe.
Hm? Please stop reading shit! Tanya! I was just visualising.
I was thinking about him so much, I put him in that shop.
That's good.
I'm visualising having a son with a career.
Maybe he just likes shopping.
There's a book called Illusions, The Adventures Of A Reluctant Messiah You still talking? Where the lead character visualises a blue feather and it comes to him.
Where? I dunno, it came.
I can't remember.
It works.
I visualised a white feather.
Not blue? Where would I see a blue feather? I was at a picnic, I put my hand in a packet of crisps, pulled out a crisp with a white feather on.
Oh, disgusting! You didn't eat it? No.
Did you wash your hands? Listen Do you want a packet of crisps now? Have you got some? No.
Listen to me.
If that can work, we can have anything we want in our lives.
I've got pizzas in the freezer.
Do you want a pizza? You don't honestly believe all this mumbo jumbo, do you? I think I put him in that shop with my god mind.
Could that theory get me more pussy? Adam! Go upstairs and play on the computer! Thinking makes it so.
Think, "I have and appreciate an abundance of pussy.
" Do you mind? Go! Eat up before Deborah gets here with her legs.
Lilly! It's been so long! Why? Oh, I dunno.
How are you, Lilly? It's horrible.
It's truly horrible.
Bloody cancer! Have some soup.
You look wonderful! Oh, do I? Shut up! Like a young Liz Taylor.
Oh, gosh.
Shall I take your shawl? I'll take the soup, shall I? Hi.
How are you? Have you seen Simon on the television? They all get it.
What is it? Cancer.
What is it? I dunno.
A disease? Is there a God? You tell me.
If there is, he's a bloody shit! Yeah, yeah.
Come in, yeah? Oh! That's not my little Tanya? Look at her age-defying skin! There is a God.
Oh, stop.
Hello.
You're glowing.
Is it love or make up? Come in.
How are you, Tanya? Really? I'm fine.
I'm keeping up with my singing.
Good girl! She could have been a big star, this one.
Oh, no.
Silly.
Hello, everyone! I can't stay long.
Just come to see my old Bernie.
Gorgeous! Don't get up.
Oh.
How are you, lovely? Not great.
He's having chemo next week.
No soup? You're outrageous! I gave it to Lilly.
If you were a single man and my legs were more flexible! You're still laughing, Lilly.
That's wonderful.
Well, if you don't laugh, you cry.
But you must cry, Lilly.
You must.
Come on.
Let it out.
Have a cry for me now.
No, I'll keep it in, I think.
Isn't she brave? And who do these two handsome men belong to? Clive Freeman.
A pleasure.
I'm afraid I'm taken.
This is the guy you need to meet.
Hello.
I'm Simon.
I like your scarf.
I'm Liz.
Have you seen Simon on television? His grandfather mentioned something What about this man, Lilly? Oh, so strong! He's got the charisma of Richard Gere.
Such intensity! Sit down.
Oh, yes, how are your legs? Do you want a pouffe? This one's completely verkakte.
I can't move it all.
Look, Bernie I've got a verkakte leg now! Is it completely verkakte? Totally verkakte.
Ooh! You know I used to love to squat.
So have you seen Simon's show? So funny how everyone treats Simon.
I just see him as Simon.
That's quite a blouse! Liz looks like my cousin Gloria.
You remember her.
No, I don't.
You do.
Just like Gloria.
Yeah, she does, actually.
You know she's got no neck? Your grandfather said you'd left the show now? Bloody talented bloke, this one.
He can achieve anything he sets his mind to.
I couldn't take it any more.
It was hurting my soul a bit.
Oh, stop it! Left a wonderful show.
He's got no money coming in.
Maybe you can have a word with him.
Can I be honest? It wasn't for me.
Oh.
That's all right.
It was quite rude.
It wasn't that it was rude.
You can shit and fuck all over the place.
I just didn't find it funny.
No? It was quite a young show.
Wasn't funny, darling.
What was funny about it? You didn't show anything of yourself.
You have to reveal yourself.
Or it's death.
Simon wrote a play, Deborah, about eggs, and now he wants to act.
Hm.
Is that a good idea? No? He read your book.
Did you? Why? It was really only for professional actors.
I keep telling him, all he needs is to keep his confidence up.
What did you take from the book? He keeps talking about it, you can test him.
Oh, God.
I'm going to totally misquote you now.
I loved that acting is not acting.
That it's just about being in the moment.
Just feeling each moment It takes 20 years, darling.
You can't just plough into it like a rapist.
You have to find your vulnerability first.
I'm quite vulnerable.
Are you, darling? No, you're blocked, precious.
Look at you.
You have to unblock.
This is boring.
Can you unblock me? YOU have to unblock you.
Do I look like Dyno Rod? Basically, all he needs It's OK, thank you.
The thing is Do you mind, darling? Here.
Here is where it comes from.
Here! You have to open, open here! Do you see? Otherwise, you're just a corpse.
This is where it comes from.
Not here.
Here! You have to declare your right to be! Do you understand? Completely.
Good for you, darling.
Bras can be so restrictive, can't they? I'm wearing a bra! Can you make an effort to talk to Clive a bit, please? Why didn't I go to RADA? You didn't need to.
You can juggle.
Can Ben Twitchyballs juggle? You got a job presenting with a puppet.
He's not going to be interested in juggling or puppetry.
Oh, shut up.
He's not better than you.
What do I always say? What? What do you always say? They all Oh, they all shit.
They all shit.
Am I right? Yes.
Spot on.
Thank you.
And also, if you don't call your agent and get some work, I will stop loving you.
Oh, my God.
Why leave me in there with her? She's creepy.
Sorry.
You wanna hear about this school or not? Yeah, go on.
Can we talk privately? This is private.
It's just Simon.
What's wrong? Right.
You don't have to speak, OK? Do you know who you should be with? Will Young.
That'd be brilliant.
You could bring him to my wedding.
Call him now.
I don't know Will Young.
Course you do! Call him! Tanya? I haven't got his number.
You've got Daniel Bedingfield's.
They're two different people! They've got separate phones.
Why can't you be with my Will, for me? He could sing.
Oh, ask him, please.
There's an old time love To find me So anyway Don't interrupt! Ee ee eee! So anyway Oh, doo doo doo.
So anyway, last week at school, they had to find out who impregnated this girl.
The little slut wouldn't say.
Slut bitch.
When they came round to Adam's class, they asked who it was and this boy put up his hand in the class.
Right.
Right.
Then another boy put his hand up.
It's ridiculous! Can you imagine, two of them.
You should start going to church, then! Is that it? Do you know what she's talking about? Something about two small sluts? What's it got to do with Adam? He's not involved, is he? Just this stupid woman now thinks Adam's been with her daughter.
Why does she think Adam's been with her? Because he put his hand up in the class! No! Yes! Liz, you could be a grandma.
It's not funny, Simon! He won't tell them he's joking.
Now this stupid girl's mother, who's easily the most annoying, angry parent Really? Is phoning me every day.
What am I supposed to do? She wants blood tests.
She won't listen to me.
She wants Adam to call her.
OK, I'm going back in.
Don't leave me.
Do you think it might be because you don't let him do anything creative? Anyway, just don't mention anything in front of mum, OK? Because he has to express himself.
Oh, yes, all right.
Shut up! At least Adam's getting some action.
Oi! Is today a busy day for you? Do you need to go? Liz! Simon, you ever had sex with a prostitute? Adam! Oh, gosh! No! Have you? Don't start him off.
Me and four friends, we're going to club together, get one for the night.
Adam! He's such a lobbus! That's a lovely idea.
Why? Well, it's cheaper.
40 quid each! Share that pussy! Stop saying pussy! Go on, get upstairs! - Adam's got new shoes.
- Everyone have some pussy! Now, who is that little showman? He's not one of yours, Tanya? Oh, God, no.
He's Liz's.
He's in trouble at school.
No, he's not! No, he isn't! He's got star potential.
Really? Has he got an outlet, Liz? A what? No.
She won't let him go to a drama group.
His mother doesn't even own a stereo.
It's like Footloose over there.
I'm sorry for not singing Whitney Houston songs at my child every five minutes! I want to run to you There's the voice! I want to run somewhere with decent soundproofing! Clivie, you mustn't repress her or she will end up like this one.
I'm fine thank you very much, and my son doesn't want an outlet.
Oh, but he does, darling! Do you want a cracker? Well, thanks for bringing round the soup.
Don't you have to go now? Really? Are you going? Actually, I'm being picked up.
I've got a hot date.
Ooh! You involved with someone? No, just dinner with an ex student.
Oh, anyone famous? No-one you'd have ever heard of.
A lovely little actor called Ben Theodore.
Oh, yeah? He's he's good, isn't he? You must bring him in before you go.
He loves Simon.
Does he? Yeah, loves him.
He should come in, say hello.
No, he's just picking you up, he doesn't need to come in, with everyone here.
He's doing a new play in Soho.
It's fine, I'll see him there.
He can come in! Course he can! No, no He's very shy.
Yeah, I'm very shy.
It's the feather in the crisps.
It's the feather, but the wrong crisps! They all shit.
Oh, shit.
Shit! I need the toilet.
You got any lip balm? Why would I have lip balm? I'm just not dressed for Ben Theodore to come in.
Am I? Do I look trendy? This is trendy, right? Trendy? Some of my friends used to dress like you, when it was cool.
What do you mean, when it was cool? The indie vintage thing's a bit done now.
Oh, my hair isn't big enough! Ugh! Look at my big Jew face.
Your face is quite big.
Is it? Yep.
Cos sometimes when I say that, people say, "Oh, it's not so big.
" Maybe it looks smaller cos of the nose, but it's still pretty big.
One word.
Confidence.
Come on, be a man! When I was trying to pull your mum Oh, yes? Not easy because, as you know, I don't drink.
I had to find the confidence to say, "Tanya, I find you very attractive for your age.
"And I'd like to take you out to dinner.
" OK.
I don't know if this is helping.
You're very confident on television.
That's a whole different thing.
The lighting's better.
Look, just get down there and don't try to be funny.
Just be more yourself.
Ben can come in.
You're not going anywhere.
I'll just grab him in.
Oh, my God! Shit.
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Man up! You're a killer.
I'm a killer.
OK.
What about your bald spot? You're not going to cover it up? That's just where the hair parts! Do you want anything? Food? Drink? Oh, thanks, um What? Yes? No.
We loved My Name Is Toby.
Loved it.
Thanks.
What else would we have seen you in? Er, I did a small film called Sophie's Garden.
No.
Fabulous piece.
And? A Suitable Briefcase? Not been in a Holby? As a junkie or anything? No? Do you want a cracker? I'm fine.
Tell Tanya about the play, darling.
I'm doing Pinter's A Slight Ache in the spring.
You must come.
Oh, no.
OK, you can do this.
You're a person who can exist in real life.
Hey, how are you? How funny to see you here.
You OK? Hi.
Ben Theodore?! Here he is.
Welcome to my grandma's house! What should we do? Shake hands? People shake hands when they meet.
How are you? This is weird, isn't it? If we just accept it's weird, I think we'll be able to move on with our lives.
How are you? Are you OK? Having fun? What's been the highlight? Idon't know.
I love your braces.
You're so trendy, aren't you? How does he do this? Do you do this yourself? Or do you have a whole style team? What are we doing? Shall I sit? I should probably sit.
That's what people do.
Walk into a room, they sit.
What about tea? Are we doing tea? That's the sort of thing that gets offered in a situation like this, isn't it? Tea? I think your grandma's making it.
Good! You're alive, tea exists.
Let's bring those two things together.
You having fun? This is quite fun, isn't it? This is Ben Theodore by the way, people.
He's won awards.
Amazing! Tea's here for you.
Really, Mum? The best tea set? How long have you been acting, Ben? Erm, since I came out of drama school.
I've been quite lucky.
Lucky? Talented.
Did you know Ben won the Olivier? He is the most emotionally transparent actor you have ever seen.
Simon used to do an impression of Loyd Grossman.
Ben, tell them what else you've done.
I just did a few plays that were quite well received Sorry? Well what? Well received.
Wonderful reviews, weren't they, darling? Well, I try not to really What do you do? I can't hear him.
Can you hear him? What did you say? You need to speak louder and quicker.
We're all going to die.
I'm joking.
I'm very funny.
I didn't tell you, I saw The Unfortunate Table.
You're really good at acting.
How does acting work? What's your process? Do you have a process? What's your process? Well, it's hard to It's the sort of thing that Sometimes I I don't know.
Erm When it happens, it's sort of magical.
What is it? Favourite play you've seen recently? I don't know.
I can never answer favourites questions.
I know.
Sorry.
God.
Awful.
What was the last play you saw? No, terrible question.
What do you do for fun? Do you go to clubs? Dance clubs? That sort of thing? No.
Daniel Day Lewis hopped around on one leg for a month.
Did he? I don't know.
You any good at hopping? You've got a BlackBerry? You're so trendy, aren't you! What have you got? Is it a text or an e-mail? Got an e-mail? I'll get my camera, take a photo of you two.
Really? Are you Ben Theodore? Hello.
Simon, show Ben a picture of your cat.
Do you want to see a picture of my cat? I'd love to.
I love cats.
Here you go.
Oh beautiful.
Yeah? Beautiful.
What's he called? It is? A boy, yeah.
Erm Prince Harry Pinter.
After Harold Pinter.
And Prince.
I'm a big fan of Pinter.
Are you two going to shag? No! Can you do something with your child? Adam, can you leave them alone to bond? Do you remember when I did My Boy Lollipop at the end of term show? Stole the show! You remember! I still know the moves.
Oh, must we? You, shush.
Oh, God.
My boy Lollipop Best not to look at them.
You make my heart go giddy up It's really nice that you visit your family.
Is it? Yeah.
I'm quite a nice person.
When you're acting, you can really draw from your family and growing up.
Yeah, I was thinking about writing something about them.
Even the more negative stuff, that's where the really interesting work comes from.
Yeah, yeah.
That guy is marrying my mother.
She thinks he's got a nice big house, so that's enough for her.
My grandpa's had cancer.
That's not so funny.
This guy just impregnated his friend, Natalie.
No, I didn't! Why are you saying that? To impress your boyfriend? "Oh, is my hair big enough for Ben Theodore? "I need lip balm for my Jew face.
" Adam! Do you need to be in another room? What did you say to him? That I got Natalie Stevens pregnant.
Simon! Lilly, that's all you need.
Didn't actually, so that's where you're wrong, Simon.
They're both so funny! Ha ha! Oh, I'll sleep well tonight.
I didn't even have sex with her.
Of course you didn't.
Just wanked into her pencil case.
Adam, get out! Get upstairs! What? Did she have nice pencils? It's not funny, Simon.
What is wrong with you? Just explain to me why you want to upset my mother the whole time? Maybe we can discuss it later.
Let's all calm down.
You all right, Mum? Liz Smile! Ben, smile! Well, have a bit, Simon.
You'll feel so much better.
Well, that's lucky for you.
Where did that come from?