Gravity s01e03 Episode Script
One Cold Swim Away
Previously on "Gravity" - He's here! - Just ignore them.
- I want to open my own vintage store.
- I think it's a great idea.
Lots of love.
I need to know what's going on, Lily.
- Am I required to be talking to you? - Mind if I look around? Have a party.
- Oh, are you an artist? - Give it! - Tell me who it is.
- It's my boyfriend in heaven who I made love to when I flatlined.
Okay, but no coffee.
Just come up.
I'm so getting laid tonight.
I love you pulling my hair, baby, but use both hands.
Stick it in.
Stop fingering me.
Hey, okay, get Get on your back.
Okay, ready? Can you feel it? Isn't it in? It is, right? Yeah, yeah, it is.
Come on! I'm sorry, Jorge.
I really like you.
You're a great guy, but I have to feel something.
Your dick is just too small.
I can't see you anymore.
Wait.
Clear on Avenue A, Jimmy? Goose, 3rd street you clear? Avenue B you clear, Ralphie? It's ready to go.
Everyone clear from the building! Three, two, one.
Bullshit.
The building completely exploded with you in it, And you didn't die? God wasn't ready to take him.
Amen.
Amen.
I don't mean to be, indelicate, And I mean this as a compliment.
You might have body dysmorphia, Because you look you look fairly well off there.
Oh, this? Oh, no, this is fake.
No, Jorge.
Jorge.
Jor Jorge, stop.
Put that away.
Jorge, stop! Stop now, put that away, and zip up your pants.
No, no, no, no.
My my real dick is way smaller, see? Wait, stop! Jorge, stop! Sorry.
Zip up your pants.
Okay.
Fake-dick-having motherfucker.
I don't want to monopolize the group with my comic stylings.
But if you want, you can see them tonight.
What what do you mean? Ever since I was little, I always wanted to be a comic.
There you go.
Pass those down.
See, but, my father He was in construction, right, so I didn't have a choice.
Dogg says We need to change who we were, right? This is me changing.
How do you like that? So, you're doing this not because I said so But because you really want to? Exactly, Dogg.
Exactly.
Saving up for what you want to study, or You know, I never generate anything like Yeah, yeah.
Really? Is everything okay? Yeah.
So, who was that guy last night? Nobody.
He's just a friend.
And we just hung out.
He's just a friend? It's really not that interesting.
Well, 'cause I was I love your look.
Thank you.
People usually are afraid toTell me the truth.
Thanks for telling me my life was too safe.
It's changed everything For the better.
Anytime.
How are you? I'm going to open my own vintage-clothing store.
I have this idea to redesign vintage with new fabrics.
Serious? Yeah.
Well, I'm a seamstress, So if you ever need any help, just let me know.
Okay.
Oh, come on, you fucking Sports.
What's your number? Yeah, cm1322.
Listen, I know my account's out of money, But just give me 100 bucks on the mets, And I'll give you a grand on Friday either way.
I wish I could help you out, sir, But unless you have funds in your account, We can't place a wager.
Come on! Just look at my account.
I've been betting with you for 10 years.
Where am I gonna go? It's 100 bucks.
I'm really sorry, sir.
Hold on, hold on! Miller.
Mr.
Miller, it's card services.
Hold on.
Listen, are you really trying to tell me that you're not Gonna put a fucking measly $100 bet for me on the mets? Maybe I should take my action elsewhere.
That would be up to you, sir.
You have enough to gamble with but not to pay your debts? Look, stop calling me, okay? Stop calling me.
Sir.
I only want to go through the mail from now on.
Only write me letters.
Calls will continue until you make payment arrangements.
I have other callers here.
Well, guess what.
That's illegal, okay? If I tell you to only go through the mail, Then you must only go through the mail, or it's illegal.
Excuse me, sir.
You need to put it in writing.
What do you want to do, sir? I have other callers.
Mr.
Miller.
Okay.
Okay, fuck you, okay? Fuck you.
You feel that? Fuck you.
Feel that? Fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking.
Fucking retard.
Ophthalmologist.
Hey, buddy, it's Matt.
We're really looking forward to dinner.
Chez jacqueline at 8:00.
Later.
All right, during our 10-minute date last night, What's the one thing you said you wanted most and didn't have? Lil' kim's ass? All right, open 'em.
Cousin's place, so you're gonna get it for a sick price.
Go in! Dr.
Collingsworth, you have a walk-in.
Do you want to see him? Sure, Rhonda.
Send him in.
Mr.
Miller, the doctor will see you now.
Hi, I'm Dr.
Robert Collingsworth.
Christian Miller.
Just call me "Miller.
" Okay, Miller.
Please have a seat.
Thank you.
You know, you look familiar to me, Miller.
Have we met before? No.
Well, I investigated Lily champagne's suicide attempt, And I check up on her from time to time outside that church Where you guys have your your meetings, So it's possible that you saw me there.
So, you're a cop.
Detective, yeah.
Am I being investigated again? 'cause I thought that was all finished with As long as I went to the group.
No, no, no, no.
You're totally fine.
This is just a social call.
Well, not not social.
See, I was I was looking into Lily's case, And I couldn't help but stumble upon your whole cliff, car, You know, youtube video suicide-dummy thing.
I mean, you're kind of the most Famous suicide fuck-up in history.
Thank you.
I say that with all due respect.
I mean, you're a sweet child of God, And I'm really glad you're getting your life back together.
And you're clearly a very celebrated And highly recommended ophthalmologist, Which is why I came here.
See I'm concerned that I may have a brain tumor, Because a couple years ago, My vision just started getting A little blurry around the edges.
It would only happen after yoga, like, on the subway platform.
I would look down, and just things down the platform Were a little out of focus.
I thought it was maybe because I just started Becoming a vegan at that point, so it was a dietary thing.
But now it's it's everything.
How old are you? Well, that is when it starts to happen.
That's when what happens, My youth and manner walk out the door? No, no! It's nothing that drastic.
Your eyes start going, and you need reading glasses.
No, no, no! You don't understand.
I have perfect eyesight my entire life.
Okay, well, let's check you out.
Tilt your head back, please.
Now please keep your eyes closed for just a few minutes.
I will be right back in just a few seconds.
So I just sit here like this till you come back? That's right.
Rhonda! Okay, I'm just gonna need A little bit of information from you.
I'm really sorry about your wife.
How did you know about my wife? You're a public figure now, remember? Yeah.
I'm trying to forget.
Must have been awful.
I'm I'm really sorry.
Thank you.
So, you getting to know Lily at all or Yeah.
Oh, she's so great.
Date of birth, please.
1/22/72.
I'm speechless.
What does "Lily's storeyaa" mean? No, no, no.
It's "Lily's store, yay.
" I hate that.
I don't "yay.
" I once broke up with a guy because he "yay'd.
" Come on! Lily's store, yay! Never.
Really? Come on.
Just a mate.
Well Would you like to come with me To this comedy thing tonight? Yeah.
Yeah, I'll I'll, call you later.
Okay.
Sorry.
I'll call I'll call you later.
Okay, now, your eyesight will be a little blurry Because the drops have dilated your pupils, But don't worry.
That'll wear off in a few hours.
Open your eyes, please.
Wow, that sucks.
All right.
Okay.
Now, I want you to tell me which set of letters is clearer.
FirstOr second? First.
First Or second? Second.
FirstSecond? First.
Mine.
Okay.
What's this? That's a prescription.
What, I need pills for my condition? No! It's a prescription for reading glasses, And you have a slight astigmatism, as well.
All right, but so, you're certain That it's it's not a brain tumor? I feel 99% sure, yeah.
Yeah, or more affectionately known as I have a 1% chance of having a brain tumor.
Okay.
Thanks a lot for seeing me.
My pleasure.
Thank you.
Oh, left, left, left.
And now a right.
Careful.
Rhonda, please help him.
Do they work? I hate to admit it, but I think they do.
Hi, folks.
I'm murray hill.
Let's hear some applause.
Come on.
All right.
Thank you.
Well, kids, I was born in the back seat of a cab On 23rd street and 3rd Avenue, hence the name Murray Hill.
And moments after I was born, the cab driver asked my father, "is it a boy or a girl?" And my father said, "no.
" Thank you.
I love you.
Now, coming to our stage, This young man is making his stand-up-comedy debut.
Please put your hands together real loud.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jorge Sanchez.
Come on! Come on, guys.
All right.
Jorge.
Buenas noches.
I have a veryVery VerySmall dick.
Have you ever seen a ken doll Without the clothes on? Not quite that big.
Thank you.
I have tried everything.
I have tried enhancement pills.
Nothing seems to work.
But I think that for a guy like me, Enhancement pills, you know It's kind of like putting high heels on a midget.
It can really only help so much.
Seriously, even when I ask myself If I want to jerk off, I say, "no, thanks, I have a headache.
" Yeah? Thank you, thank you.
Yeah, I literally think That I am one cold swim away from joining the wnba.
Right? Oh, the light is going on.
I believe that is my time.
Thank you.
He killed it, ladies and gentlemen.
Jorge Sanchez.
Come on, come on! Yay! Oh, there he is.
Thank you very much.
It was nice.
You were so wonderful.
Right here, man.
You were actually really, really funny, man.
Oh, and your first time? That was amazing.
I know, I know.
That was seriously brave.
I'm proud of you.
Dogg, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you all very much.
I'm so glad you're here.
That was so good.
Hey, excuse me.
Can I talk to you for a minute? Oh.
Yeah.
Sure.
So, was that all true what you were saying up there? Sadly, yes.
It's okay.
It's sort of my thing.
It is? Let me give you my number.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Call me.
Okay.
Hey, man, you were funny.
Oh, yeah? You think so, man? Oh, thanks.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hey, listen, I'm sorry if, the midget thing Hey, no.
Hey, man.
Hey, funny's funny.
Yeah? Yeah.
All right, man.
Cool, man.
Thanks, man.
Hey, no problem.
All right.
Hey, yo! I'm the same.
That doesn't count.
You're black.
What are you doing opening up a store? How did you find me here? You want the truth or the lie? What's the lie? Well You applied two days ago over the phone For a tax I.
D.
For your new place of business.
Yeah, but I used my home address Because I didn't have a store yet.
That's very impressive.
I pegged you as an idiot savant Who, while very talented in a lot of areas, Wasn't such a left-brain thinker.
That may be true, but I'm not left-brain dead.
So, what's the truth? I'm following Diego.
Diego or me? Would you like the truth or the lie? You hungry? I'm fucking famished.
I know a really good vegan pizza parlor on 97th street.
Want to grab a slice? You're vegan? 10 years.
I haven't eaten meat in 12 years.
Well, that would make you the winner, wouldn't it? Come on.
It'll be fun.
You can tell me all about your new store.
Let me have one slice of that one with the corn, please.
And you'll have I'll have that one with the tofu on top.
So, are you close with your parents? No.
Are they still alive? I don't really want to talk about them.
Okay.
What's up with you and Diego? All right, I know you're a cop, But you have to stop interrogating me.
Can't we just talk about normal, boring things? Sure.
Do you think fetishes are weird? Like guys who steal chicks' underwear? Yeah, that could be one.
Do you think it's weird? I don't judge anything as long as it doesn't hurt anybody And no kids are involved.
Well, what about the stealing part? You're supposed to be for upholding the law.
I'm only concerned with the big laws.
The small laws are just sort of, you know, suggestions.
Well, my "night night cat" panties were my favorite.
Did you have a pair go missing? If I checked right now What? On me? No, please.
You'd find tighty-whities, Very high-end, expensive tighty-whities.
I'm very vanilla in that department.
I'm Mr.
, you know, normal-normal.
Well, this has been grand.
Wait, wait, wait.
I need I need your advice on something.
It's very important.
Don't laugh.
It's it's not funny.
It's very traumatic.
I've had perfect eyesight my whole life.
You have to take those off.
Oh, my God! Yeah, thank you.
Thank you for confirming this.
My God! No, I'm never wearing them again.
That's a good idea.
So, Jorge, this is how it's going to work.
I will begin by making a small incision right here, Cutting the tendons that bring the penis erect.
Okay.
Then we add weights, stretching it.
And this will give you an increase in length of 1 or 2 inches, But your erection will point down.
Oh, that's fine.
That's fine.
I don't care which way it points, As long as it gets hard and is more than 2 inches, right? Does this stay what about girth? That's where we can really improve.
Technically, we can go as much as 900% bigger.
But to make it look proportional for you, I would recommend200%.
You're the size of a pencil right now.
This would bring you to a thick thumb, Which is a tremendous improvement.
No, no.
Fuck that.
I want an elephant's hoof, okay? 900%, please.
But Okay? No.
As wide as regis philbin's fake teeth are That's how thick I want my fake dick to be.
Okay? Let's go.
That's it.
900% is as big as we can go legally.
Then that's what I want.
Roberto.
Hey.
Now, you can't get mad at me.
It was Amanda's idea.
We know you hate setups, but we We just want you to get back to the Robert we once knew.
This girl was singing billy joel, "just the way you are," your favorite song of all time, Feet in the stirrups during the exam, you know? I hate billy joel.
You sang it at our wedding.
That's because you forced me to.
Will you just trust me? We will always miss samantha, And I know she'll always live deep inside our hearts, But, you know, you got to get back in the game.
It's been two years.
She would want you to.
Robert, hey! This is our new friend, naomi.
Hello.
Hi.
SoI hear we both love B.
J.
But, honey, we all Let me rephrase.
I hear we both love singing Billy Joel.
YeahIndeed.
Have we met before? You look familiar to me.
I don't think so.
I would have remembered.
Would anybody like to sit down? Reserved a table in my name, all right? Let's.
Let's Yeah.
Of course.
That's how I know you.
You're the The suicide dummy.
That's right.
Take that big, fat cock all the way down.
Yeah, it's okay.
It's okay.
It's too big.
If we go real slow, baby, it's okay.
Don't worry.
There we go.
Say ahh.
That's it.
That's it.
It's really wide.
Oh! Oh, yeah! She got lockjaw or something.
I told you it was too big.
What did she say? She said, "I told you it was too big.
" Kind of like how only moms can understand their infants.
You know, that is not the metaphor That I would draw into this circumstance, But, yeah, something like that.
Why don't we just wait Until, he loses his erection? Lady, I took enough viagra here To fuck for three weeks, okay? I need you to go and get the jaws of life up in here And get her jaws off my life.
This really sucks, you know.
Hey, you gave me the fucking dick, So I don't want to hear it.
There's no way it's going away.
I'm not even talking to you right now.
Asshole.
- I want to open my own vintage store.
- I think it's a great idea.
Lots of love.
I need to know what's going on, Lily.
- Am I required to be talking to you? - Mind if I look around? Have a party.
- Oh, are you an artist? - Give it! - Tell me who it is.
- It's my boyfriend in heaven who I made love to when I flatlined.
Okay, but no coffee.
Just come up.
I'm so getting laid tonight.
I love you pulling my hair, baby, but use both hands.
Stick it in.
Stop fingering me.
Hey, okay, get Get on your back.
Okay, ready? Can you feel it? Isn't it in? It is, right? Yeah, yeah, it is.
Come on! I'm sorry, Jorge.
I really like you.
You're a great guy, but I have to feel something.
Your dick is just too small.
I can't see you anymore.
Wait.
Clear on Avenue A, Jimmy? Goose, 3rd street you clear? Avenue B you clear, Ralphie? It's ready to go.
Everyone clear from the building! Three, two, one.
Bullshit.
The building completely exploded with you in it, And you didn't die? God wasn't ready to take him.
Amen.
Amen.
I don't mean to be, indelicate, And I mean this as a compliment.
You might have body dysmorphia, Because you look you look fairly well off there.
Oh, this? Oh, no, this is fake.
No, Jorge.
Jorge.
Jor Jorge, stop.
Put that away.
Jorge, stop! Stop now, put that away, and zip up your pants.
No, no, no, no.
My my real dick is way smaller, see? Wait, stop! Jorge, stop! Sorry.
Zip up your pants.
Okay.
Fake-dick-having motherfucker.
I don't want to monopolize the group with my comic stylings.
But if you want, you can see them tonight.
What what do you mean? Ever since I was little, I always wanted to be a comic.
There you go.
Pass those down.
See, but, my father He was in construction, right, so I didn't have a choice.
Dogg says We need to change who we were, right? This is me changing.
How do you like that? So, you're doing this not because I said so But because you really want to? Exactly, Dogg.
Exactly.
Saving up for what you want to study, or You know, I never generate anything like Yeah, yeah.
Really? Is everything okay? Yeah.
So, who was that guy last night? Nobody.
He's just a friend.
And we just hung out.
He's just a friend? It's really not that interesting.
Well, 'cause I was I love your look.
Thank you.
People usually are afraid toTell me the truth.
Thanks for telling me my life was too safe.
It's changed everything For the better.
Anytime.
How are you? I'm going to open my own vintage-clothing store.
I have this idea to redesign vintage with new fabrics.
Serious? Yeah.
Well, I'm a seamstress, So if you ever need any help, just let me know.
Okay.
Oh, come on, you fucking Sports.
What's your number? Yeah, cm1322.
Listen, I know my account's out of money, But just give me 100 bucks on the mets, And I'll give you a grand on Friday either way.
I wish I could help you out, sir, But unless you have funds in your account, We can't place a wager.
Come on! Just look at my account.
I've been betting with you for 10 years.
Where am I gonna go? It's 100 bucks.
I'm really sorry, sir.
Hold on, hold on! Miller.
Mr.
Miller, it's card services.
Hold on.
Listen, are you really trying to tell me that you're not Gonna put a fucking measly $100 bet for me on the mets? Maybe I should take my action elsewhere.
That would be up to you, sir.
You have enough to gamble with but not to pay your debts? Look, stop calling me, okay? Stop calling me.
Sir.
I only want to go through the mail from now on.
Only write me letters.
Calls will continue until you make payment arrangements.
I have other callers here.
Well, guess what.
That's illegal, okay? If I tell you to only go through the mail, Then you must only go through the mail, or it's illegal.
Excuse me, sir.
You need to put it in writing.
What do you want to do, sir? I have other callers.
Mr.
Miller.
Okay.
Okay, fuck you, okay? Fuck you.
You feel that? Fuck you.
Feel that? Fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking.
Fucking retard.
Ophthalmologist.
Hey, buddy, it's Matt.
We're really looking forward to dinner.
Chez jacqueline at 8:00.
Later.
All right, during our 10-minute date last night, What's the one thing you said you wanted most and didn't have? Lil' kim's ass? All right, open 'em.
Cousin's place, so you're gonna get it for a sick price.
Go in! Dr.
Collingsworth, you have a walk-in.
Do you want to see him? Sure, Rhonda.
Send him in.
Mr.
Miller, the doctor will see you now.
Hi, I'm Dr.
Robert Collingsworth.
Christian Miller.
Just call me "Miller.
" Okay, Miller.
Please have a seat.
Thank you.
You know, you look familiar to me, Miller.
Have we met before? No.
Well, I investigated Lily champagne's suicide attempt, And I check up on her from time to time outside that church Where you guys have your your meetings, So it's possible that you saw me there.
So, you're a cop.
Detective, yeah.
Am I being investigated again? 'cause I thought that was all finished with As long as I went to the group.
No, no, no, no.
You're totally fine.
This is just a social call.
Well, not not social.
See, I was I was looking into Lily's case, And I couldn't help but stumble upon your whole cliff, car, You know, youtube video suicide-dummy thing.
I mean, you're kind of the most Famous suicide fuck-up in history.
Thank you.
I say that with all due respect.
I mean, you're a sweet child of God, And I'm really glad you're getting your life back together.
And you're clearly a very celebrated And highly recommended ophthalmologist, Which is why I came here.
See I'm concerned that I may have a brain tumor, Because a couple years ago, My vision just started getting A little blurry around the edges.
It would only happen after yoga, like, on the subway platform.
I would look down, and just things down the platform Were a little out of focus.
I thought it was maybe because I just started Becoming a vegan at that point, so it was a dietary thing.
But now it's it's everything.
How old are you? Well, that is when it starts to happen.
That's when what happens, My youth and manner walk out the door? No, no! It's nothing that drastic.
Your eyes start going, and you need reading glasses.
No, no, no! You don't understand.
I have perfect eyesight my entire life.
Okay, well, let's check you out.
Tilt your head back, please.
Now please keep your eyes closed for just a few minutes.
I will be right back in just a few seconds.
So I just sit here like this till you come back? That's right.
Rhonda! Okay, I'm just gonna need A little bit of information from you.
I'm really sorry about your wife.
How did you know about my wife? You're a public figure now, remember? Yeah.
I'm trying to forget.
Must have been awful.
I'm I'm really sorry.
Thank you.
So, you getting to know Lily at all or Yeah.
Oh, she's so great.
Date of birth, please.
1/22/72.
I'm speechless.
What does "Lily's storeyaa" mean? No, no, no.
It's "Lily's store, yay.
" I hate that.
I don't "yay.
" I once broke up with a guy because he "yay'd.
" Come on! Lily's store, yay! Never.
Really? Come on.
Just a mate.
Well Would you like to come with me To this comedy thing tonight? Yeah.
Yeah, I'll I'll, call you later.
Okay.
Sorry.
I'll call I'll call you later.
Okay, now, your eyesight will be a little blurry Because the drops have dilated your pupils, But don't worry.
That'll wear off in a few hours.
Open your eyes, please.
Wow, that sucks.
All right.
Okay.
Now, I want you to tell me which set of letters is clearer.
FirstOr second? First.
First Or second? Second.
FirstSecond? First.
Mine.
Okay.
What's this? That's a prescription.
What, I need pills for my condition? No! It's a prescription for reading glasses, And you have a slight astigmatism, as well.
All right, but so, you're certain That it's it's not a brain tumor? I feel 99% sure, yeah.
Yeah, or more affectionately known as I have a 1% chance of having a brain tumor.
Okay.
Thanks a lot for seeing me.
My pleasure.
Thank you.
Oh, left, left, left.
And now a right.
Careful.
Rhonda, please help him.
Do they work? I hate to admit it, but I think they do.
Hi, folks.
I'm murray hill.
Let's hear some applause.
Come on.
All right.
Thank you.
Well, kids, I was born in the back seat of a cab On 23rd street and 3rd Avenue, hence the name Murray Hill.
And moments after I was born, the cab driver asked my father, "is it a boy or a girl?" And my father said, "no.
" Thank you.
I love you.
Now, coming to our stage, This young man is making his stand-up-comedy debut.
Please put your hands together real loud.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jorge Sanchez.
Come on! Come on, guys.
All right.
Jorge.
Buenas noches.
I have a veryVery VerySmall dick.
Have you ever seen a ken doll Without the clothes on? Not quite that big.
Thank you.
I have tried everything.
I have tried enhancement pills.
Nothing seems to work.
But I think that for a guy like me, Enhancement pills, you know It's kind of like putting high heels on a midget.
It can really only help so much.
Seriously, even when I ask myself If I want to jerk off, I say, "no, thanks, I have a headache.
" Yeah? Thank you, thank you.
Yeah, I literally think That I am one cold swim away from joining the wnba.
Right? Oh, the light is going on.
I believe that is my time.
Thank you.
He killed it, ladies and gentlemen.
Jorge Sanchez.
Come on, come on! Yay! Oh, there he is.
Thank you very much.
It was nice.
You were so wonderful.
Right here, man.
You were actually really, really funny, man.
Oh, and your first time? That was amazing.
I know, I know.
That was seriously brave.
I'm proud of you.
Dogg, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you all very much.
I'm so glad you're here.
That was so good.
Hey, excuse me.
Can I talk to you for a minute? Oh.
Yeah.
Sure.
So, was that all true what you were saying up there? Sadly, yes.
It's okay.
It's sort of my thing.
It is? Let me give you my number.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Call me.
Okay.
Hey, man, you were funny.
Oh, yeah? You think so, man? Oh, thanks.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hey, listen, I'm sorry if, the midget thing Hey, no.
Hey, man.
Hey, funny's funny.
Yeah? Yeah.
All right, man.
Cool, man.
Thanks, man.
Hey, no problem.
All right.
Hey, yo! I'm the same.
That doesn't count.
You're black.
What are you doing opening up a store? How did you find me here? You want the truth or the lie? What's the lie? Well You applied two days ago over the phone For a tax I.
D.
For your new place of business.
Yeah, but I used my home address Because I didn't have a store yet.
That's very impressive.
I pegged you as an idiot savant Who, while very talented in a lot of areas, Wasn't such a left-brain thinker.
That may be true, but I'm not left-brain dead.
So, what's the truth? I'm following Diego.
Diego or me? Would you like the truth or the lie? You hungry? I'm fucking famished.
I know a really good vegan pizza parlor on 97th street.
Want to grab a slice? You're vegan? 10 years.
I haven't eaten meat in 12 years.
Well, that would make you the winner, wouldn't it? Come on.
It'll be fun.
You can tell me all about your new store.
Let me have one slice of that one with the corn, please.
And you'll have I'll have that one with the tofu on top.
So, are you close with your parents? No.
Are they still alive? I don't really want to talk about them.
Okay.
What's up with you and Diego? All right, I know you're a cop, But you have to stop interrogating me.
Can't we just talk about normal, boring things? Sure.
Do you think fetishes are weird? Like guys who steal chicks' underwear? Yeah, that could be one.
Do you think it's weird? I don't judge anything as long as it doesn't hurt anybody And no kids are involved.
Well, what about the stealing part? You're supposed to be for upholding the law.
I'm only concerned with the big laws.
The small laws are just sort of, you know, suggestions.
Well, my "night night cat" panties were my favorite.
Did you have a pair go missing? If I checked right now What? On me? No, please.
You'd find tighty-whities, Very high-end, expensive tighty-whities.
I'm very vanilla in that department.
I'm Mr.
, you know, normal-normal.
Well, this has been grand.
Wait, wait, wait.
I need I need your advice on something.
It's very important.
Don't laugh.
It's it's not funny.
It's very traumatic.
I've had perfect eyesight my whole life.
You have to take those off.
Oh, my God! Yeah, thank you.
Thank you for confirming this.
My God! No, I'm never wearing them again.
That's a good idea.
So, Jorge, this is how it's going to work.
I will begin by making a small incision right here, Cutting the tendons that bring the penis erect.
Okay.
Then we add weights, stretching it.
And this will give you an increase in length of 1 or 2 inches, But your erection will point down.
Oh, that's fine.
That's fine.
I don't care which way it points, As long as it gets hard and is more than 2 inches, right? Does this stay what about girth? That's where we can really improve.
Technically, we can go as much as 900% bigger.
But to make it look proportional for you, I would recommend200%.
You're the size of a pencil right now.
This would bring you to a thick thumb, Which is a tremendous improvement.
No, no.
Fuck that.
I want an elephant's hoof, okay? 900%, please.
But Okay? No.
As wide as regis philbin's fake teeth are That's how thick I want my fake dick to be.
Okay? Let's go.
That's it.
900% is as big as we can go legally.
Then that's what I want.
Roberto.
Hey.
Now, you can't get mad at me.
It was Amanda's idea.
We know you hate setups, but we We just want you to get back to the Robert we once knew.
This girl was singing billy joel, "just the way you are," your favorite song of all time, Feet in the stirrups during the exam, you know? I hate billy joel.
You sang it at our wedding.
That's because you forced me to.
Will you just trust me? We will always miss samantha, And I know she'll always live deep inside our hearts, But, you know, you got to get back in the game.
It's been two years.
She would want you to.
Robert, hey! This is our new friend, naomi.
Hello.
Hi.
SoI hear we both love B.
J.
But, honey, we all Let me rephrase.
I hear we both love singing Billy Joel.
YeahIndeed.
Have we met before? You look familiar to me.
I don't think so.
I would have remembered.
Would anybody like to sit down? Reserved a table in my name, all right? Let's.
Let's Yeah.
Of course.
That's how I know you.
You're the The suicide dummy.
That's right.
Take that big, fat cock all the way down.
Yeah, it's okay.
It's okay.
It's too big.
If we go real slow, baby, it's okay.
Don't worry.
There we go.
Say ahh.
That's it.
That's it.
It's really wide.
Oh! Oh, yeah! She got lockjaw or something.
I told you it was too big.
What did she say? She said, "I told you it was too big.
" Kind of like how only moms can understand their infants.
You know, that is not the metaphor That I would draw into this circumstance, But, yeah, something like that.
Why don't we just wait Until, he loses his erection? Lady, I took enough viagra here To fuck for three weeks, okay? I need you to go and get the jaws of life up in here And get her jaws off my life.
This really sucks, you know.
Hey, you gave me the fucking dick, So I don't want to hear it.
There's no way it's going away.
I'm not even talking to you right now.
Asshole.