Growing Pains s01e03 Episode Script

Hi, I'm Jason Seaver.
I'm a psychiatrist.
I've spent the last 15 years helping people with their problems.
And I'm Maggie Seaver.
I've spent the last 15 years helping our kids with problems even Jason wouldn't believe.
Now, Maggie has gone back to work as a reporter for the local newspaper.
Jason has moved his practice into the house so he can be there for the kids.
- They're great kids.
- Most of the time.
- And the rest of the time? - We love them anyway.
Yeah.
Unbelievable.
Here we go.
How many for scrambled eggs? Okay, how many for last night's liver? Now how many for scrambled eggs? Dad, I'm having some trouble with my science project.
- You need some help with it? - I need to know what it is.
- Well, what are you studying in science? - Science stuff.
Okay.
That's a good start.
Carol, what did you do for your third-grade science project? Well, I constructed a compound of monodichlorides and polydichlorides that were capable of withstanding excessive heat and mechanical stress.
Mike? I ran tests to see how high a Super Ball would bounce.
Well, at least we've now defined the boundaries of science.
- Morning, everybody.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, you look nice.
- Thanks.
Wow.
You sure do.
- You want some eggs? - No time.
I've got this 8:30 interview on this toxic waste story.
Do you realize that they are just dumping this stuff all over Long Island? It may very well be in our water, even our food.
Even in our eggs.
I'm gonna be late.
Bye, everybody.
- Bye, hon.
- Bye-bye.
See you at lunch.
Lunch? Yeah, you're gonna meet me back here for lunch.
Oh, Jason, I'm sorry.
I completely forgot.
No problem.
So, we'll see you about noon? Well, the problem is I don't think I'll have time to come home.
It's your cooking, Dad.
Take her out.
Good idea.
Look, why don't I just come by there and I'll take you out for lunch.
I'm not sure what time I'll be free.
Jason, I don't want you to have to wait around.
That's no problem.
It'll be fun for me.
I haven't seen you in action at your office.
Well, I Mom, come on.
The guy's begging for a date.
I don't know how much more of this I can watch.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- All right.
See you there.
- See you later.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Yes! No, Mrs.
Curwick, you see, we suspect that Easttown is giving you and your neighbors a lot of false information about what's been dumped in that reservoir.
Right.
See, that's just what I mean.
You see, there's no such thing as "chunky-style" water.
For the record? Good.
Just one minute, okay? How about Monday? - Mind if I make a call? - Sure, right over there.
I wanna place a call, not launch an MX missile.
Hello, this is Dr.
Seaver.
Mr.
Anderson in, please? No, I'm sorry, I must've misdialed then, I was No, I don't wish to place a classified ad.
No, I'm sure that's a very good per-word price but no, I'm trying to get an outside line, here.
No, I'm not going to be placing the ad with anyone else.
I'm trying to reach a patient.
Mildly schizophrenic, delusions of grandeur, occasional Let's go with this one.
Yes, I'll be right with you, Mrs.
Curwick.
And this one.
Maggie.
I think I just leveled Moscow.
- Okay, I'm all set here.
- So, where do you want to eat? - Hey, Mags, wanna grab some lunch? - "Mags"? Fred, I want you to meet my husband, Jason Seaver.
Jeez, I didn't even see you down there.
Jason, this is Fred Mathis.
Fred's the one I'm working with on the toxic waste story.
No, don't get up.
- Hey, it's really nice to meet you.
- Well, it's nice to meet you.
Mags has told me a lot about you.
Well, why didn't you tell me about Fred? Well, poor Mags is stuck with me all day.
I'm sure the last thing she wants to do when she gets home is talk about me.
That's not true.
I told you about Fred just yesterday.
Don't you remember? Yeah.
I think I just pictured you differently.
Balder, fatter.
Well, that's the public for you.
They think we all look like Lou Grant.
Thank God Mags doesn't, huh, Jason? Jason and I were just about to grab a bite.
Well, I won't keep you.
Excuse me.
Mags, I will need to see you for a couple of minutes before that meeting at 2:00.
And it's 1:30 now.
Well, look, Fred, why don't you just join us for lunch? - I don't want to impose.
- No, I insist.
- You two have work to do together.
- That's very nice of you, Jason.
Mags, I didn't tell you, two of these goons tried to muscle me when I was out at that Easttown dump.
Must have been some big goons.
Come on, Carol, why can't you just write this essay for me? Because it's your assignment.
Yeah, but you'd do a better job.
I mean, look, you're standing on principle and the result is that the essay suffers.
Now, do you really want that on your conscience? That's the private hell I choose to live within.
Maggie? I thought I heard a car door slam.
No, you know, Dad, no matter how many times I ask the neighbors to please climb out through their windows they insist on using those doors.
Don't be a wise guy, Mike.
- Carol, what time does your watch say? - 10:03.
- Why? Is yours broken? - No, it says 10:02.
I just thought it might have stopped.
Apparently, it did, Dad.
But it sounds like you've nipped it in the bud.
Maggie? Fred.
Hi.
Yeah, no, I'll have her call you right away.
Okay.
You, too.
Yeah, bye.
Fred? Yeah, Fred's the guy your mother's working on that toxic waste story with.
He seems like a nice guy.
Very nice.
Darn nice.
Will you guys act your age? - Hi, everybody.
- Hey, Mom.
Maggie! I didn't even hear your car door slam.
Well, I'll try and do it louder next time.
Well, guys, how's it going? What did you do today? - Well, I went - Nothing.
They're children.
They have boring, uneventful lives.
How was your day? Tell us about that story.
Jason, I'm sorry our lunch got turned into a work session.
No, are you kidding? That was great for me.
It was shocking for me to discover how little I knew about sludge.
- What about the Easttown dump? - Honey, I am really bushed.
I'd rather not even think about that stuff for a while.
- Okay? - Okay.
Sure.
Hey, Dad, don't forget to tell her Fred just called.
Fred called? Oh, good.
I need to talk to him.
We're gonna break this story tomorrow if it means working till midnight.
I just can't wait to nail those creeps.
Fred? Hi.
You're kidding.
So how did everyone enjoy my first foray into the wonderful world of pancakes? Well, it beat the heck out of your foray into the wonderful world of liver.
Dad, did they have science projects when you were in third grade? Ben, when Dad was in the third grade, they didn't have science.
In fact, when Dad was in the third grade, they didn't have the third grade.
Mike, they say the sense of humor is the final stage of child development.
You ought to feel it coming on any time now.
Yes, Ben.
I did a wonderful project in third grade.
- I grew mold on bread.
- On purpose? Yes, I determined that mold would grow faster on white bread than on pumpernickel.
I think I should strike out in new directions.
Well, what you really have to do is find something that interests you.
And that way the project will teach you the most.
- Ride's here.
Bye, Mom.
- Bye, sweetie.
Have a good day.
Nice talking to you, Mom.
You look great again.
Thanks.
Looking good yourself.
Well, yeah.
You know, been cutting down on the beer.
- Me, too.
- You, too.
Have a good day.
I'm out of here, too.
Remember, Fred and I will probably be working late again tonight.
Okay, so what time you think you'll be home? - Well, it's hard to say - Estimate.
I don't know between 9:00 and 11:00, I'd say.
You call that an estimate? An estimate is 9:05, 9:06.
Okay.
Let's say between 10:00 and 10:15.
Well, which one? 10:00 or 10:15? I don't know, Jason.
It's only 15 minutes.
"It's only 15 minutes"? Maggie, a lot can happen in 15 minutes.
The Titanic sunk in 15 minutes.
Charlton Heston picked up ten commandments in 15 minutes.
Our first child was conceived in 15 minutes.
Tops! Jason, are you jealous? Jealous? Of what? Of me and Fred.
You know, working late.
Of you and That is a comical thought.
- Jason, you are jealous.
- No, I'm not.
- Come on.
Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not jealous, Maggie.
I'm a psychiatrist.
I'm also a man with a heightened degree of self-awareness, and for that reason I can admit to a certain sense of loss over the fact that you now share things with a professional colleague until 10:00 or 11:00 at night.
Things you and I are unable to share.
But I hasten to add, I would feel exactly the same way if your colleague were a woman.
Well, you're probably right.
Well, there's no "probably" about it, Maggie! Analyzing people's motivations is what I do for a living.
I am not sexually jealous.
I have far too much faith in you to ever be sexually jealous.
And I would appreciate it if you had the same faith in me.
I'm sorry, Jason.
I was just kidding.
Forgive me? Well, okay.
Okay? Good, I'll see you later.
So, what time you think you'll be home? - Mike, cut it out! - What? I wasn't doing anything.
Mike, will you stop bothering your sister? - Dad, what's another word for "election?" - Plebiscite.
I didn't ask you.
I asked Dad.
What's the difference? The difference is I don't want to know from you.
Sorry.
How do you spell it? - Why should I tell you how to spell it? - Because I asked you.
I thought you didn't want to know things from me.
What are you? A lawyer? I mean, I'm trying to do you a favor here by finding a use for your brain and out of nowhere, you turn on me like a wild dog.
Cut it out! Female subject grabs wrist after third click.
You do that again and I'll kill you.
Male subject threatens death after first click.
- Ben, what are you doing? - It's my science project.
I'm testing to see how long it takes certain people to respond to certain stimuli.
Well, that's not a good science project, so stop it.
But you told me to do something that interests me.
Mike and Carol interest me more than mold.
That's a touching sentiment, Ben.
Now cut it out.
What's with him? He doesn't like you.
He never has.
Hey, Dad, when's Mom coming home? Do I look like Jeane Dixon, Mike? Your mother's a working adult and when she's finished working she'll come home.
I wish she'd get here, 'cause she thinks of great science projects.
- She does? - Last year she picked tadpoles.
Well, that's it, then.
I can't do tadpoles, again.
They keep these things on file.
No, I mean your mother.
We should be asking your mother what to do.
In fact, I think I'll go down to that newspaper office right now and ask her.
Dad, why don't you just call her? Obviously you haven't seen the phones they have down there.
Believe me, it's be a lot simpler this way.
- Won't that be bothering her, Dad? - Absolutely not.
No, no.
Your mother wants to be involved in these decisions.
Besides, I don't like the idea of her being down at the office this late at night, all by herself.
She's not all by herself.
Fred's with her.
Even so.
Fred, who's that? I don't know.
The janitor? No one who cleans for a living would press his nose against glass.
Maybe it's one of those goons from the Easttown dump site.
No, I'll call the police.
- Jason! - Jason? - Are you all right? - Honey.
- I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you.
- No, no, I'm fine.
Come in here and sit down.
Fortunately, my nose stopped the door before it could hit my face.
Jason, what are you doing here? What am I doing here? It's about Ben.
- Jason, what is it? Is it serious? - Well, of course it's serious.
I wouldn't come down here if it wasn't serious, would I? I don't know what to do with the boy, Maggie.
He's got a bad attitude about mold.
And it's just not ethical for him to do tadpoles again.
Excuse me.
This sounds personal.
You came down here to check up on me, didn't you? Oh, well, that's great.
That's just great.
I come down to discuss the welfare of our youngest son.
Our baby, if you will, and you twist it into something sordid.
I have a good mind I should just turn around and walk out of here right now.
I don't believe this.
I mean, you thought You actually thought there was something going on between me and Fred? I can't even dignify that with a response.
You like him better than me, don't you? Jason.
Come on, Maggie, admit it, I'm not a complete idiot.
- "Maggie, do you want some eggs?" - "No time.
" Well, "Maggie, how about if we meet for lunch? "Oh, I completely forgot.
" Well, "Maggie, how was your day today? "I don't want to talk about it.
Fred called? "Oh, I have time to talk to him!" - Jason.
- Don't "Jason" me, Maggie.
I've also been watching the way you're dressing lately.
And now I understand it.
It's because when he looks at you, he looks at you as if you were As if you were a woman! Yeah, you know, at first I couldn't figure that out.
And then it dawned on me.
I am a woman.
So, you admit it.
You're into this, Maggie.
You enjoy it.
Yeah, I enjoy it.
People find me interesting and that makes me feel good.
What's wrong with that? What's wrong with it is, you're putting your husband through a living hell.
And, Maggie, I would never do that to you.
What do you mean Means I spent 15 years in sweatpants cleaning toilets while you went down to your office in your sexy psychiatrist's sweater and your sexy psychiatrist's jacket My jackets aren't sexy, Maggie, they're tweed.
Women die for tweed and you know it.
I have no control over that.
And how many nights did I spend watching your broccoli go limp while I waited for you to come home? I was fighting traffic, Maggie.
Yeah, with that brilliant young psychiatrist in your car pool.
- Dr.
Rosenblum? - Dr.
Jennifer Rosenblum.
Who, as I noticed, always managed to ride in the front seat next to you.
Maggie, she had very long legs.
Well, that's a relief.
I hope legroom wasn't a problem when the two of you jetted off to Chicago for that psychiatric convention.
We were writing a paper together.
Yes, I remember it.
Human Sexual Inhibitions: Use Them or Lose Them.
Maggie, that was strictly a professional relationship.
What do you think this is? Was that a rhetorical question? Waiting for someone else to come home all the time is hard, Jason.
But you get better at it.
I hope so.
Suddenly I feel very silly.
Well, "silly" is a strong word.
Not entirely inappropriate, but strong.
Jason, I love you.
I could never cheat on you.
Yeah? Yeah.
- Well, thank you.
- Well, you're welcome.
Caterpillars! - What? - It's obvious.
Ben should do caterpillars.
- Now that's a great idea.
- Thanks.
It's a good thing I came down here tonight.
So, how's Ben doing with his caterpillars? Somebody else was already doing caterpillars.
Ben had to think of a new project.
A new project? Please.
Pretty good.
Hey, where's my mold experiment? English