Guys With Kids (2012) s01e03 Episode Script

"Guys with Kids" is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Here it is One spin will determine who has to take Clark and Yoda to Donny Newman's terrible, horrible, roller-skating birthday party this afternoon.
Three, yes! Winner! Chutes and Ladders, game of steel, uh! I'm watching the football game with my guys.
Is this really how you make decisions? More fun than talking it out.
Mom, this fell off your window.
How? We were hanging on it.
- What is wrong with you two? - Run! Run! Hide in the hamper.
I'll come get you when the coast is clear.
Those boys.
Baby, we were talking about replacing the blinds anyway.
Guys, what do you think we should get, shutters or drapes? Hey, they don't always get to weigh in on our decisions.
- What? - They don't live here.
It'd be cool if we did, though, right? We could tell each other secrets while we fall asleep.
These guys don't all get a vote in everything we do.
We were talking about buying a toy bin, uh-huh? Then you go out with those two and come back with that old card catalog thing over there, which, may I say, holds nothing.
It's from a simpler time.
Okay, hey, no problem.
Staying out of your life.
You look so pretty in this picture, Aunt Marny.
Thank you, sweetheart.
You are so lucky to have a girl.
The closest my boys come to complimenting me is punching me in the butt.
Girls are so sweet and so quiet, and you get to dress them up and go get your nails done together and If I had a little girl, I would buy her so many barrettes.
H-hey.
Hey, guys.
Come on, let's go to Chris' house and watch some football.
- Football.
- Yeah.
Life is how you're living ª wh you're going, where you want to be h heyª you and ™ª - we happ™ª -ª Hey we need ouriends e the su™ª âeverybody singin' why would ywalken you can run? â™veryy singin' why would you walk whenu caun? You guys, I'm in trouble.
Marny wants to try for a girl again, I can tell.
That's insane.
You guys already have four kids.
Why do you need more? You're not farmers.
I know, but once Marny gets it in her head that she wants to have another kid, there's no stopping her.
Sure there is.
You just say no.
I think I know how this works.
When I was a kid, I had two hamsters that were very deeply in love.
Hey, I try to talk her out of it, but she goes straight for my weak spots.
First thing, she comes out wearing one of my dress shirts.
Right there, game over.
Pull the crib out of storage.
Okay, so then we'll just hide your dress shirts at my place until things cool down.
Great.
But then she starts throwing compliments at me and these little bitty kisses that activates my baby maker.
I'm gonna need just a little more space if we're going to talk about this.
Okay, come on, come on.
Here's what you gotta do.
Break out what Sheila used to say when she wanted to kill the mood.
"Hands off the merchandise.
" I can't believe you two didn't make it.
Thanks, guys.
I think I can do this.
We're going to have our phones on us until this baby opportunity passes.
So if you need us, you just text 911.
Hi.
Why are you guys always together? It takes a village, Sheila.
Well, you got your village Idiot.
Village idiot.
Yes.
I beat you to it.
Not an insult.
Hey, look, I talked Chris into hosting a baby CPR class here tomorrow night, and I think we should all attend.
I'm sorry.
I'd hate to, but I can't.
Tomorrow night, I have nothing.
Hey, sign us up.
Yeah.
The more time me and Marny are not alone, the better.
Now, I've got to get to my apartment and pack up all my dress shirts.
I didn't understand any of that.
Okay, come on, Ernie.
Let's go, babe.
Here we go.
Hey.
Did you go through those baby sign language worksheets I gave you? No, no, never.
We're not married any more.
I don't have to do dumb stuff like that.
Bye, Ernie.
Nick, is this the milk you just used on your cereal? Yeah, it's delicious.
Tastes almondy.
No, it tastes Sheila breast milky.
No.
And you drank all of it, which means I have to ask her for more.
No, no, she cannot know about this.
She'll hold it over my head forever.
God.
God, it's coursing through my body.
So cold.
Guess who just stopped by to sign us up for a CPR class? Miss annoyingly perfect mother, Sheila.
What's the matter? I just drank her breast milk.
Of course she's still breast-feeding.
I only did it for three months, but she's like a damn dairy cow.
That is not the reaction I was expecting.
You know, we did just do a CPR class last year.
Why are we doing another one? Because she always makes me feel like we're bad parents.
"Emily, did you not know that stroller only got "two stars for safety? But I'm sure it's fine for around the building.
" Our stroller only got two stars for safety? It's fine.
It works fine.
Honey, we are great parents.
Don't let her get in your head.
I'm not feeling like such great parents right now.
Recognize this from Gary and Marny's? - Violet is stealing again.
- What? She told me her teacher's thermos was her last job, and then she was getting out.
This is getting out of hand, Nick.
First, it's toys from her friends.
Now, she's stealing from our friends.
She is going to end up in jail, Nick.
She is going to jail.
Our daughter is going to jail.
You think we might be getting a little ahead of ourselves here? Violet, will you come in here, please? I will talk to her.
Violet, did you take this? No.
Okay, if you tell me the truth right now, you're not going to get in any trouble.
- Did you take this? - Yes.
Listen, I want you to promise me you will never do anything like this again.
Okay.
I promise.
Or you'll go to jail.
Honey, I got this.
I want you to go to your room and think about what you did.
There's no night lights in jail, Violet.
Gary, where are your dress shirts? Okay.
Here we go.
I sent them to the cleaners.
- All of them? - Yeah, all of them.
You know, I stepped on a ketchup bottle, and it squirted every single one.
That seems weird.
It was.
So The kids are asleep.
What do you want to do tonight? Where did you get that from? I forgot Clark was using one of your old shirts as a smock for his painting.
We make such talented children.
I know what you're doing.
I know what you're doing.
You, uh stay away from me.
Okay, okay.
No baby kisses, 'cause baby kisses only lead to one thing babies.
All right? Hey, stop it.
Stop what? I know why you're being romantic.
Because I love you? You don't love me.
You want a girl.
No.
I want you.
Whoa.
Hands off the merchandise.
Hands off the merchandise.
Hands off the merchandise.
I'm just using the emergency key 'cause this fell into Emily's purse.
Is this a bad time? No, no, Nick.
No, hey, no, no, no.
Come on in, man.
Hey, sit down.
Watch a movie with us.
No, no, no, no, no.
You can't do that, Nick.
Our TV is broken.
You know what? She's right, Nick.
The TV is broke.
So I have to go up to Nick's place to watch a movie.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
And you're so beautiful, baby.
That's why I have to go up to Nick's.
Well, why do we have to go to CPR class.
Stop it.
I can't be around Sheila.
If she looks at me, she will know my shame.
If we don't show, we are just going to give her another reason to say that we're bad parents, and she will milk it for all it's worth.
Hi, Emily.
And look.
You brought your own CPR dummy.
Hi, Sheila.
What's wrong with you? Nothing.
Thank you for organizing this.
So I'm excited.
This is going to be fun.
I think I take child safety too seriously to have fun.
Hi, sweetie.
Hi.
Well, I didn't mean fun fun.
You know, I just meant oh, to hell with it.
- Hi, everyone.
- Hi.
Aunt Marny! Hey, knock it off, little girl.
All right.
We're all here.
Let's bring it in, people.
It's go time.
The key today is to learn proper infant CPR techniques.
So, remember, this is not a competition.
Yeah.
That wouldn't be fair.
That's it.
Hey, let's make it one.
All right.
My kind of group.
Here we go.
Baby up! Hey, here.
You want the girl one? Marny wants to try for a girl.
- Aww.
- Wait, how did you know that? I had no idea you guys were trying to have another baby.
And you weren't supposed to.
Blinds weren't enough? Now you need them weighing in on if we have more children? Nobody's weighing in, Marny.
Nobody's in our business.
Just a little heads up.
If you want to have a girl, it's important to conceive early in your cycle.
I'm sensing that it's time for me and Marny to leave.
We've had a lovely time, Sheila.
Thanks for inviting us.
Come on, Marny.
Okay, can anyone tell me what she did wrong? I just don't understand why you're talking about having another kid with everyone but me.
Because I can't talk to you about it when you're in this crazy Marny mode like you're in right now.
Are you guys fighting? No, we're just talking loud because we're in love with each other! Okay, granted, in the past, I pushed a little hard for a girl.
But this is not one of those times.
I can have a rational conversation about this.
Okay.
You want to have a rational conversation about this.
Let's start with the pros and cons.
Con we already have four children.
Pro I've always wanted a girl.
Con we already have four children.
Listen, you know, we're already in the thick of it.
What's the difference? They say, "once you have more than three" ha ha, keep it going.
Gary, this is important to me.
Okay, and this is not crazy Marny talking.
Which, you know, let me just put it out there, is not my favorite nickname.
Look, I don't know what to do.
Play you Chutes and Ladders for it.
Chutes and Ladders? You want to play a board game to determine whether or not we're going to have another kid? Yeah, why not? This board game is why our son is named Yoda And not after my father.
That is true.
All right.
Let's play.
Great.
Come on.
Come on.
We have a winner.
Yes, yes, yes! Look, I don't care how you do it, but I need you to beat Sheila.
I don't know if I'm really in the right space - Just save the baby.
- Okay.
I can do this.
I'm just gonna visualize victory.
Here we go.
Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick.
Look, look, milk.
Mmm.
Resuscitate.
Come on, go.
Red light! Bad parents right here.
Even if we had a kid, and it was a girl, where would she sleep? We would just move the boys into one room.
You put four boys in one room, it doesn't end well.
You know who tried that? Joe Jackson.
- Is everyone okay back there? - We're fine.
We're just playing loud because we love each other.
I love that little wise-ass.
You see? You have your boys.
You guys understand each other in ways I just do not get.
Plus, you get to play football, you get to rough house.
You get to do guy things together.
I would like just one I could do girl things with.
- Yeah, but - And let me just say, if it was reversed and we had four girls, you would want your boy.
Look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn't want to keep trying for your boy.
You see? Okay.
You're right, you're right.
Look, if we had four girls hell, if we had ten girls, I would still try for my boy.
I wouldn't know what my life would be like without my boys.
Let's go for the girl.
Really? Yeah.
Everyone's asleep.
Good.
Because now is the time.
It turns out the CPR guy was right.
We gotta move.
Chop chop.
If that isn't sexy, I don't know what is.
Mom, Dad.
The door's locked.
We know.
What do you need? I wet the bed.
Go sleep in your brother's bed.
I wet his, too.
I hate it.
Sheila's right.
We're the worst parents ever.
No, don't blame yourself.
I'm the one who lost every round.
It's not you, it's me.
Sheila's in my head.
And my tum-tum.
- I'm talking about this.
- Whose are those? Sheila's.
I found them in Violet's room.
Violet.
Did you take these? - No.
- Violet.
It had a pretty little pig on it.
Okay, you are going to walk right upstairs to Sheila's and return those yourself.
No.
It would be embarrassing.
Super embarrassing.
- Come on, we are going.
- Why do we have to do this? Because we're good parents.
Well, we don't have to be.
A lot of very successful people come from terrible homes.
Well, there's no keys under here.
But we got two pacifiers, a bunch of cheerios Stamps, awesome.
Hey.
What's up, guys? Hi.
Violet has something she would like to say to Sheila.
What is it, sweetheart? Go ahead.
It's for the best.
I took your keys.
Sorry.
Okay.
Well, thank you for telling me.
I know it's not easy to apologize, but you were a big girl to tell the truth.
- You feel better now? - I don't know.
I'm really sorry about that.
It's not a big deal.
It's pretty common for kids her age to take things.
Thank you for being so understanding.
- That was really nice of you.
- No, it's nothing.
The truth is, I used to steal things - when I was a kid.
- Really? And I'm from a very well-respected family.
There it is.
Okay, so, on that note, I think we'll all be going.
Right away, please.
Okay, this has gone on long enough.
Nick, don't you have something you want to say to Sheila? No.
Go on.
It'll be for the best.
I drank your breast milk.
You what? It was an accident.
It was with some Fruit Loops.
My God.
Are you okay? No.
Is it because I drank your breast milk? Stop saying that.
Please.
Stop saying that I drank your breast milk? Yeah.
I'm just trying to come clean about the time that I was accidentally nourished by your rich mammarian nectar.
Come on.
You're right, Emily.
I feel so much better right now.
The boys' sheets are changed.
Let's do this.
This is never going to happen.
At least not without some help.
Here, hold my horns.
All right.
We are going to have some fun when they leave.
- Get away from Gary! - Hands off the merchandise! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
No, guys, it's okay.
I don't need you to break things up.
I texted you just so you could watch our kids so we can have some alone time.
- Alone time? - Yes.
But I thought Okay, yeah, we'll uh, whatever you two need.
We're we're here for you.
Hey.
Thanks, guys.
Yeah, thanks.
I guess it's not so awful having you guys so involved in our lives.
Come on, kids.
Time for a sleepover.
Are we going to play poker again? Make it real money or don't waste my time.
Okay, uh, I can't look, uh What's it say? Negative.
Thank God.
I-I thought we wanted this.
Yeah.
No.
I was possessed by hormones.
They were telling me to do crazy things last week.
You promised me you weren't crazy Marny.
I didn't promise you.
Crazy Marny promised you.
She must be learning to impersonate regular Marny.
She's mutating.
So, uh, you're okay with this? Yeah, honey.
The twins are too young for us to have another kid right now.
Well, you let me know when the time is right, okay? But how will I know the difference between crazy Marny and regular Marny? I don't know.
Wouldn't want to be you.
Mwah!