Hamish Macbeth (1995) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Oh, Rory. It's true.
I love
Who do you love, John?
you.
I love you.
Oh, God.
Unmarked police.
Aye.
(Mooing)
You forget about Bruce?
The place is a mess.
I'm sorry, Hamish,
the chain came off my bike.
- And Wee Jock needs feeding.
- Come on, Jock.
Hamish, can I talk to you?
Can it no' wait till we get rid of Bruce?
I had a warning.
- Aye, aye.
- No, I'm serious.
A vision.
Aye, you're in it.
Me, I'm in it.
And I'm suffocating.
Drowning.
I don't know, Hamish.
It doesn't look good.
Funnily enough, I've had a vision.
In my vision, Bruce arrives.
Bruce arrives, we're in a mess.
That disnae look good.
(Man shouts angrily)
There it is, Macbeth, the latest. Can you
no' just feel that processing power?
Yes, sir. Just waiting
to be unleashed, eh?
Oh, I'm putting one of these
in every nick on my patch.
Nae mair mountain o' paperwork.
No, sir. Those days are gone.
This is state-of-the-art technology.
It'll be a great help, sir,
when the cases come flooding in.
You can also be online
to Inverness 24 hours a day.
It's a very simple interface.
Cos you're not exactly up to scratch
with your paperwork, you know?
I gather we're still getting reports
from you from September 1993.
- (Phone)
- I did try and explain, sir,
about the typewriter problem.
- Lochdubh police station.
- Is your er, man John
Is he up to it?
- The administration
- Oh, yes, sir. John keeps me in order.
Hamish
I suppose they put an arm through
and unlocked the door.
We tend to leave the key
in the lock, I'm afraid.
Uh-huh.
(Glass crunches)
Irreplaceable, of course.
But insured?
Yes, yes, there is that consolation.
Hamish, this gang that have been
running amok all over the Highlands,
as I understand it, erm
- The Mob.
- Yes, yes.
You think it could have been them?
- No.
- Oh.
No, no, you see the Mob would
have spotted these for a start.
And er most burglars
tend to break in from the outside.
- What do you mean?
- Well, someone - I think it was you -
broke the window from the inside.
See, most of the glass
has fallen on the outside.
Plus you'd need arms, I'd say,
at least about four feet long,
- to be able to reach in from there.
- Ah.
Financial difficulties, Major?
Yes.
(Knocking)
Mr McIver just phoned.
He said to say Bruce,
is it, is on his way.
Well, you need
to get rid of these for a start.
We've got a lot of work to do
to avoid you being arrested.
I'll take that.
Back.
Right, Mrs Meiklejohn.
OK, where'd you put the silver?
- Er, stable block.
- Good. Right we'll get it later.
- We want the Inspector to find it.
- I've already telephoned the insurance.
What?
The cars are on their way.
Will they all be wanting teas?
Er yeah. Right, we're ready.
Let me do the talking.
It's just that I like notice
if there's to be a lot of teas.
- The ice cream.
- Ice cream?
We didnae do the ice cream.
Come on. Come on!
- Spoons, spoons.
- Hm?
- Is it the best you want?
- I don't think it matters in this instance.
I don't, as a rule, use best in the kitchen
but since you're here, Major.
Eat.
I wouldn't eat all that at once
if I were you. You'll make yourself sick.
(Bell rings)
There. Now, do you believe me?
That is the front door bell ringing
and that thing says "Billiard Room".
Mrs Meiklejohn, wait a minute.
- We don't even have a billiard room.
- (Groans)
- (Retching)
- There, I told you you'd be sick.
- Where have you been?
- Sorry, sir.
I was just er digesting evidence
at the rear of the property.
To the left.
What does this say to you, Macbeth?
Italian, sir?
For God's sake, man,
do you no' read your bulletins?
- Er, maybe I've missed one or two.
- Exact in every detail.
Two tubs of ice cream, two spoons.
I think it's them.
- When did this happen, Major?
- Erm
The Major recalls hearing
a noise late last night, sir. Er
The culprits will be long gone, I'm afraid.
Major, you were the victim of the most
wanted gang of thieves in Scotland,
the gang the gutter press call
The Raspberry Ripple Mob.
Gosh.
I think Macbeth's wrong, sir. Some of
this ice cream's only just melted.
- I'd say they were in the vicinity.
- Excellent. This time we've got them.
Cronk, I want more men.
I want roadblocks.
I want the whole district sealed off,
hook, line and sinker.
Oh.
What shall we have?
Oh, I love those crumpety things.
Then crumpety things it is.
- Quiet this morning, Mr Campbell.
- I'm quite happy with my own company.
Uh-huh. Oh, well, that's an advantage.
So it seems.
I was telling Esme how much I like your
crumpets. Can't get them in London.
Well, I'm glad somebody
appreciates what I have to offer.
(Door opens)
How did it go, then?
Bruce is staying.
- Sending for reinforcements, in fact.
- Aye?
He thinks we've got
The Raspberry Ripple Mob in our midst.
And why would he think that?
Don't ask.
How are you getting on
with the computer?
Well, it's not exactly my forte, Hamish.
Nah, I know. Mine neither.
Isobel's gonna pop in, gie us
a lesson tomorrow lunchtime.
Us? I've heard your "us" before now.
Och, look, John, I know you're no' keen
but I'm under heavy pressure
to get this admin cleared up.
Bruce wants everything
logged into that computer.
Cross checks I don't know.
What is it? Interfacing.
Look, I come in, I clean, I answer
the phone. What more do you want?
Look, John, I need help with this
administration. I can't afford two people.
Well, I can't do three jobs.
No, no. I know. I'm sorry. You're right.
John, look is everything all right?
You're half my age. Do you know that?
- Aye.
- And I clean your lavatory.
- And I'm grateful for it.
- And I feed your dog.
- You don't even feed your own dog.
- Aye, I do.
Och, John. Look, I'm sorry.
I'm going to zap you
with my laser phaser. Boo!
Urgh!
Die then. You're dead.
But I'm a fighter. I came back to life.
Tell me about the oil tankers.
Not today, Danny.
I think they get a discount on Fords.
No, I told you. I'm sorry. I
Listen, can I just tell you all
this is a sub post office.
I can't do your road tax here.
You have to go over to Cnothan.
And I can't do your car insurance
or your MOTs.
Right.
But I believe the police will be checking
TV licences while they're here.
- Which one is it?
- The blue one.
Completely kitted out mobile incident
room - phone, fax, computers, satellite
Do you think they get the Adult Channel?
I'm just away to take a full statement
from Major Maclean, sir.
Excellent. Away you go. Every detail
you can get to feed into the system.
Sir.
So we file our reports
and the insurers recompense you
in accordance with your policy.
Of course, nothing can make up
for the items that you lost.
No, no. In the family for generations.
Er I feel er I feel somehow to blame.
No, you mustn't blame yourself, sir.
This mob refuses to be caught.
There's a considerable reward on offer
and still we don't know
a thing about them.
Ah! Er
Constable Macbeth, this is Mr er
Markwell. Abercrombie & Markwell.
Loss adjusters. Just been helping
the Major with his insurance claim.
Hamish Macbeth, Lochdubh Police.
You got here very quickly.
Happily I was in the area.
Er, perhaps you could help me with
a crime reference number in due course.
- Yeah, aye, sure.
- Thank you.
- Right, Major, I'll say goodbye.
- Yes, thank you.
Goodbye.
I don't believe it. Why are you
claiming the insurance?
- I couldn't tell him the truth, could I?
- I should have left you to get caught.
Wait a minute. Is Alex in on this?
No, no.
But she knows there's money problems?
You've stopped paying
her that allowance.
You're gonna have to tell her,
at least about the debts.
I know, Hamish. I know. I
We don't inherit the land
from our parents. We
We borrow it from our children.
I I've let her down.
The estate, I I can't tell her.
Could you tell her, Hamish?
(Knocking)
Come in.
Hamish.
Hiya.
- How's it going?
- What?
I don't know.
The writing, the city, all that.
Good.
- Good.
- (Computer beeps)
Is this the er new novel, then?
No, speech.
Esme's asked me
to give out the school prizes.
- They're pretty expensive, aren't they?
- Computers? Quite. Why?
Well Well, what I mean is with all
the added expense of living in London
Things are a little tight
but my allowance covers it.
What?
Do you think I stole the family silver
in order to top up my income?
Yeah.
Hamish are you in debt?
Is that what it is? Look, I can lend
you some or I'll speak to Dad
No, no, no, no. You don't understand.
What I mean is there might come a day
when you want to be financially
independent from your dad.
What? And come
and be dependent on you?
Yes, I could come back and marry you
and have children - three, I think.
No need to worry about a career.
I could clean the station
- Come on, Alex, that's no' what I meant.
- I wish you'd say what you do mean.
Things might be
a little easier between us.
Aye.
See you later, eh?
I'm sorry. I just couldn't.
Just follow me down to the next room
here. We'll take some prints.
(Men chattering)
We need to get rid of them
before they tumble to us.
- So what's the plan?
- I don't know. I don't
I tell you I think I think
we stage a bungled getaway, right?
Bruce finds the abandoned car
with the loot still in it,
he assumes the thieves dumped it,
round the roadblock and away.
- Right.
- Right.
- I'll get you the silver.
- Right.
- That's the old way, Macbeth.
- I just thought looking further afield, sir.
For a getaway car.
In the old days, aye, we'd be
searching for the evidence
but nowadays it's all
psychological profiling.
What do we know
about these characters?
We've got to get behind them,
know their hopes,
their fears, where they go,
what they do.
One thing we do know,
we know what they eat.
- Cronk.
- Yes, sir.
Send for ice cream.
A lot of ice cream.
Yes, sir. Raspberry ripple?
Aye, and inform the Lochdubh Hotel
that we'll be asking for their cooperation.
Ah, another dark rum and pep,
Barney, please.
Aye.
What's that on your menu today?
"Raspberry ripple ice cream."
It's lovely. We'll have
a couple of dollops of that.
Right you are, Lachlan. Thank you.
Er, Dad, I don't like ice cream.
- Yes, you do, son.
- No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
(Clattering of cutlery)
- There you go, gents.
- Thank you, Agnes.
(Coins clunk in jukebox)
(Theme from
Walls Ice Cream advert plays)
(Laughter)
John, can you do me a wee favour?
- Aye, surely.
- See that old car outside your place
- Aye, the Lada.
- The Lada, aye.
- Can I borrow it for a couple of days?
- Why?
Well, I need Bruce to think
the Mob used it as a getaway car.
- Why?
- So that he thinks they got away.
- Then he goes away.
- Absolutely. So stolen yesterday, OK?
What are you up to, Hamish?
Well it's probably best if I don't involve
you any more than I have to, John.
Maybe I could give you a hand.
If you could help me with
the admin, that would be great.
Listen, Hamish,
this meeting with Isobel
- Oh, Isobel, listen, I cannae be here.
- Neither can I.
- And why not?
- I've got other things on.
Other things on? Like what?
Well, probably it's better
if I don't involve you.
John?
(Door closes)
Hello?
- Hi, Isobel.
- All set for your lesson?
- Er, well, there's a wee bit of a problem.
- What?
Well, John cannae be here.
Well, just the two of us, then.
No, no. Look, I'm sorry.
I should have phoned you.
- It's just not a good time.
- Oh.
- OK.
- Do you mind?
No. I'll come back later.
Aye.
See you later, then.
- That's me away, then.
- Bye.
Bye.
(Knocking)
Hello.
I was a bit brusque
with you yesterday. Sorry.
Brought a peace offering. Lunch.
- You've had lunch.
- No, no, I was gan out.
Can I not tempt you with soup?
And bread.
It's brilliant. It's Italian.
Ciabatta bread.
(Italian accent) Ciabatta.
Practically live off it in London.
I was wrong, wasn't I? About London.
You know, I really thought
you'd come running back.
Stupid.
You don't miss Lochdubh at all, do you?
Only certain aspects.
And which aspects would they be?
(Whines)
Your dad really misses you, you know?
And I miss him.
But I think he wants me to
It sounds clichéd to have a life.
He always said he'd do
everything anything
to give me the chance to do
the things he never could.
I'm sure he would.
And I owe it to him, don't I?
To make the best of
Although sometimes I really miss
Sometimes I think, you know,
like giving out the prizes at the school.
I think this is where I belong.
Then why don't you
come back for a wee while?
You know, just make sure
your dad's coping.
- Oh, come on, Hamish.
- What?
- You're not very good at this.
- Good at what?
Why can't you just say it? Just say what
you mean instead of skirting around it.
You communicate
directly enough with your body.
- Yeah, well, you're the writer.
- You're not very good with words.
Why can't you say you need me?
See?
See?
This is why it never worked between us.
Because you think it's strong
to say nothing. The strong, silent type.
I'm sorry. I can't be bothered with it.
I'm just saying I think
your dad needs looking after.
Yeah? If you're so concerned
about my dad, then you look after him.
- (Knocking)
- John!
Oh, Hamish, come on in.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Aye, is it the Lada?
- Er
No.
I think we should talk.
Uh-huh.
Can you no' tell me what the problem is?
You've a problem wi' me.
I've no problem with you.
- I thought we were friends.
- We are.
So why don't you talk to me?
Look, erm
what I said before
I really do need some help
with this administration.
I mean, it's no' a lot.
Once the backlog's cleared with this
computer, it shouldnae be much.
I can't do it.
You're no' giving me
a lot of choice here, John.
And And I know about the petty cash.
I know about the petty cash. I cannot
believe you would do that to me. Why?
I mean, how come you couldn't
even put in an IOU or something?
Right.
I don't think you should
come back to the station.
I'll make up the money.
- I'll repay it.
- I'll make it up.
I'll repay it, damn you!
I'd best get back and feed Wee Jock.
Do you still want the Lada?
- No, it's probably best if I don't
- Involve me?
Aye.
Here's the keys for the station.
I've let you down.
- (Door opens)
- Pow-pow-pow! You two are dead!
- Got to die this time.
- I'm sorry, John.
You never die any more, TV John.
(Phone rings)
Hello?
Yes.
What did you do
when there was a tidal wave?
Oh, there were a few big waves
but never a tidal wave.
Did you watch TV?
Is that why you're called TV John?
Yes, I watch too much TV.
That's why I'm called TV John.
Ah, but there wasn't TV
on the oil tankers, not in the old days.
Just weeks and weeks of sea.
The radio we had then.
And the other sailors, Danny,
well, they read a lot of books.
- But you didn't?
- No.
Because you're the captain?
No. I didn't stay on the tankers
long enough to become a captain.
Why not? I would be captain.
Because sometimes
you have to move on.
Where to?
Well you and me,
we live in caravans, don't we?
So we can move to
different places if we want to,
if things don't work out.
Well, now, some people,
well, they can stay in one place
but others just have to keep moving.
(Woman) Danny! Danny!
Why do they?
Well, it's like the shark.
The shark has to keep moving,
because if he stops, he can't breathe.
So he just has to keep on swimming.
(Woman) Danny! Danny! Bedtime!
Off you go home now, Danny.
Dinner, Jock.
Come on.
Hamish, I'm in trouble.
- What?
- I had a telephone call.
I picked up the phone and the voice said,
"I know what you've done."
Oh, God.
"I know what you've done.
Give me the goodies and I'll keep quiet."
Oh. God!
What am I going to do?
- Why don't you give them the stuff?
- My silver?
- We're both gonna go to jail here!
- Hamish, I'm sorry. This is a mess.
- Did he name a place?
- Yeah. Glenradach, 9:30 in the morning.
Right. Right.
Look, I suggest you leave
before somebody sees you here.
Will you be there?
Aye, I'll be there.
I've just come to see you. I've come
to tell you that I won't humiliate myself.
I'm not proud. Never let it be said
that Roy Campbell is pr
Well, I am proud
and I won't humiliate myself.
Unless you want me to.
Is that what you want, Esme?
- What?
- To humiliate me?
You see, the thing is,
I I know he loves you.
- Who?
- John.
TV John.
Oh, God.
I've seen him coming here.
At night.
Why didn't you say?
I could have explained.
Too proud.
Oh, come here.
Sausage.
Sweet one.
Yes, Babycakes?
Our favourite.
Oh! Oh!
DS Cronk to all units.
DS Cronk to all units.
Open wide, my pussy cat.
You, too, my pleasure panther.
(Growls playfully)
Argh! Argh! Arrrgh!
- Morning, John.
- Morning.
- Esme not in?
- No.
Oh. I wanted to try my speech out on her.
I'm giving out the prizes at the school.
Oh, well. Pop back later.
Miss Alexandra.
Could you help me with a letter?
- A letter?
- Yes.
For Hamish.
Yes.
(Door opens)
What? No ciabatta bread?
That's very funny.
You know what the sad thing is?
People really care about you
and you just push them away.
So what is it?
"Dear Hamish,
I'm so sorry about the money.
"I needed it to pay Esme
who was giving me lessons.
"Reading lessons. I never learned.
I always managed before.
"I never thought I was going
to be found out.
"I moved on. This time I wanted to stay.
"But you needed help with your admin
and the computer was coming,
"so I started seeing Esme.
"I hoped I could learn in time but
you can't teach an old dog new tricks,
"so that's me.
"That's why I didn't put in
an IOU in the tin.
"I'm sorry I let you down.
"I'll send the money when I can.
"Godspeed till we meet again,
if not in this life, then in the next.
"Your friend, TV John."
Wanted to sign it himself.
Why didn't he say anything?
Did he say where he was going?
- Did you see which way he went?
- I came straight to you.
Oh, John.
Is it working now?
Yes, sir.
Interview resumed, 9:07.
Mr Rory Campbell
and Mrs Esme Murray remain present.
And me, sir.
- What?
- And me. You should really say
Apparently, you have an inordinate
amount of raspberry ripple ice cream
in your freezer. Would you like
to explain that, Mr Campbell?
- I've already explained.
- He sells it in his shop.
We've had technical difficulties.
Could you say it again, please?
I sell it in my shop.
- It's flavour of the month.
- (Beeping)
Cronk!
Excuse me, sir.
Interview terminated due to
an interruption by PC Hamish Macbeth.
Sorry, sir, but I'd like
to recommend all possible haste
in the apprehension of TV John McIver.
- Your TV John?
- Yes, sir.
He was seen leaving Lochdubh this
morning in suspicious circumstances.
He's pulling his trailer in a cream Lada.
He was spotted going into suspect
Murray's house at night, apparently.
Suspect Murray's house?
Why didn't you say?
- I I thought.
- Leave this to me, Macbeth.
Contact the roadblocks.
- Find out which way he went.
- Right.
Music and lights, please.
(Sirens)
Music and lights.
Aye.
(Sirens)
You think I mind being in your way?
I've been in the way all my life.
You can wait.
What's the matter with the man?
Mm. (Smacks lips)
(Sirens and horns blaring)
- TV John.
- Aye.
The police are always in a rush.
- Aye, right enough.
- They'll never die in their beds.
Aye, you're right there.
- Can we no' cut him off?
- This is the only road north.
Get out.
- Sir?
- Get out. You can run quicker than this.
Oh, I don't think so. (Chuckles)
(Major) What do we do now?
I don't know.
(Man) Thank you for coming, Major.
Constable, I'm armed and dangerous.
So, please, don't get any ideas.
I've got evidence that would send
the Major to prison for a very long time
and we can't have that, can we?
So just leave the goodies
on the ground, please,
then get back into your cars
and drive away.
We've no choice.
What's the matter with the man?
Can he no' read?
We've got him now.
Kill the music, thank you.
Hamish!
Know thine enemy, Major.
So you are going to stop him?
You don't get it, do you?
We're as guilty as he is.
We cannae touch him.
(Smashing)
- I suggest you were never here, Major.
- Right.
You idiot!
- Book him, Cronk!
- Yes, sir.
(Hamish) Wait, wait, wait.
He's er He's led us to our man.
I should have known he was trying to tell
me something but I wouldnae listen.
- He was making off with his trailer.
- Exactly.
The only way
The only way to get us
to follow him out here.
Yeah?
There we are, sir. This is just how
Mr McIver described it to me
in his vision
but I wouldnae listen to him.
He was involved in it. The Major.
Did the Major do the Craigside job?
The Achmore job?
No. I don't think so.
Book him, Cronk.
I gather we owe you a debt
of gratitude, Mr McIver.
John.
Why didn't you tell me?
I've spent a lifetime trying to cover it up.
I'm illiterate.
It's the one word I can spell. Illiterate.
It's spelt ignorant.
Unemployable.
Is that right?
Well, do you know what this spells?
This spells
please come back.
I'll do my own administration.
I'll get rid of the computer, John.
I'll even clean me ain toilet.
Please.
- Oh, there's just one thing.
- What?
I cannae feed my own dog.
He'll only take food from you.
I trained him well, didn't I?
(Applause)
Thank you.
It's a great honour for me
to be invited by Mrs Murray
to present the school prizes today.
And it wasn't so long ago that I was
sitting where you are with my friends,
wondering what some stuffy old lady
was talking about up here on the stage
and thinking thinking, "What on earth
has that person got to do with me?
"I'll never be a councillor
or a magistrate
"or a writer."
But here I am today doing
something I thought I'd never do.
And although I'm not
doing it terribly well
and I'll probably have to run home to
Lochdubh with my tail between my legs,
I am a writer.
So my message to you is this.
Whatever your interest,
this school has a lot to offer you. Take it.
For me it was the power of words.
Words are precious.
They're our most basic tool
of communication.
If only people could say
what they meant.
If they weren't so threatened by the truth.
It's those magic words"I love you".
Now, Mrs Murray taught me and you
and many people here in Lochdubh
how to read and write
and I'd like to take
this opportunity to thank her.
Now an essay prize,
which this year goes to
Danny McLellan for his story
The Shark Who Stopped Swimming
And Survived To Tell The Tale.
Congratulations, Danny.
(Applause drowns Alex out)