Happy Endings s01e03 Episode Script

What? You realize a breakfast that size is meant for people who are about to go work in a field for 12 hours? Yeah, well, the rest of my day is open, so maybe that's what l'm gonna do.
Guys, Barefoot Pedaler is playing at the Wheelhouse.
Wow.
Our '90s hippie jam band.
You know what l'd rather listen to? Myself, being shot in the face.
Oh, come on, Max, we've had some awesome nights with the Pedalers.
We had one of our first dates at a Pedalers show, ha, ha.
Yeah, we did.
He was the only black guy there.
l was like Rosa Parks, except for something that didn't matter at all.
Guys, l really think we need to go to this Pedalers show.
l mean, they haven't played in Chicago in years.
l will attend ironically.
lt'd be great to see Tommy again.
Oh, my God, here it comes.
l'm just telling you, here it comes.
lt was December '99.
Here it is.
And it was right after Pedaler got huge but, like, before they got small again.
He was the best electric fiddler in the world, and l l was just a girl.
We made love like warrior poets.
How do you even do that? And then he invited me to tour with them, but l had an early morning psych final.
l got a B-minus and l'm still single.
Ridiculously long story short, Penny was a groupie and now she may or may not have the herp.
Oh, l was so not a groupie, okay? He was super into me.
lf you don't believe me, ask Alex.
Who is not here.
Wait, guys, did you not invite Alex because of me? - No.
- No, not at all.
- Mm-mm.
- She's busy.
Uh, we gotta go.
Oh, we do, we do.
We do have to go.
l haven't even finished my coffee yet.
Oh, it's okay, take it to go.
Mm! Argh, l burned my mouth.
Guys, what's the rush? Aren't we gonna hang out? Oh, we actually have to go to, um, My grandma's funeral.
What? Uh, it's a new Tyler Perry movie.
Yeah, yeah, hmm.
See you guys later.
See you, bye.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Alex.
Ready for breakfast? Starving.
Mm-hm.
What? Oh, l forgot to tell you guys, Barefoot Pedaler's in town.
We should all go.
Ah Um You know what? l can't that night.
l haven't told you what night it is yet.
You did.
No.
You did, yeah.
l think l left my- My keys.
What's going on? Dave? ls this what's happening now? You guys rush me out of breakfast because you have plans with Alex? No, what? No.
What? No, ha, ha.
What? No.
You're in a loop, babe.
You're in a loop.
l cannot believe that you guys double-booked breakfast.
Wait, what's going on? l don't know what he's talking about.
l was just here, eating with them.
Nope.
Yes.
Dave, you're scaring us.
We haven't seen you today.
Really? You're gonna try to Groundhog #ay me? You're scaring us.
We haven't seen you today.
Wait, you double-booked breakfast just to keep us apart? We had to.
lt has been brutal to hang out with you guys.
Yeah.
Maybe it has something to do with what happened at your wedding.
No! Dave, l'm sorry.
l can't do this.
Okay.
Whoo! l mean, it could be something else, but it's not.
Okay.
That happened, but we are moving on.
Are you? Because every time you're together, it seems like pretty much anything can trigger you into a huge fight.
So what are we doing tonight, guys? Chinese food or, uh, pizza pizza? Oh, Alex does not like Chinese food.
What? l never said that.
lt's just we always used to order cashew chicken all the time.
Sorry if l got bored of eating cashew chicken a bajillion times.
Really.
So Well, now you can have any kind of chicken you want.
You can have sweet and sour chicken, you can have lemon chicken, you can have any filthy chicken that you pick up at a bar, or meet at the gym, because l'll tell you something, you are never getting cashew chicken again.
l don't think he's talking about chicken.
Okay, look, you are one of my oldest friends and you are my sister, and l love you both.
But it's just easier to do things separately.
''Things?'' So it's not just breakfast? Breakfast, dinners, drinks, movies.
We had to rent The #oad twice, and it is not that funny the second time.
So this is why you didn't wanna go to the concert with me because you were already going with Dave.
lt's ridiculous.
We're fine.
Right, Dave? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
ln fact, we are so fine that l think we should go to the Pedaler concert together.
- Really? - That is a great idea.
- You guys would be cool with that? - Yes.
Of course.
Okay.
Hey, cool.
This is gonna be awesome.
This is gonna be terrible.
They say that they are fine, and one small thing is gonna trigger them again.
Yeah, and they always try to get me to take sides.
Let me ask you a question, Brad.
You think cashew chicken is boring, or do you think that cashew chicken is a total catch that any lady would be lucky enough to eat, and in fact, cashew chicken passed up on a lot of hot, smoking ass.
Oh, right.
Because cashew chicken is a completely loyal chicken.
l'm actually allergic to nuts.
l don't want Dave and Alex there.
Already gonna be a crazy enough night when l see Tommy again.
Oh, my God.
Our chemistry was explosive.
lt was like Whitney and Bobby.
You mean Eli Whitney and Justin Bobby? Because those are two people that mean nothing to each other.
lf l didn't mean anything to him, who's the song ''Jenny'' about? A girl named Jenny? No, ''Jenny'' is Penny.
Think about it.
Take the J, flip it, close the loop, what do you have? Lower-case B? No.
A lower-case D? No, flip it the other way.
Q.
No, Penny.
Oh.
This sucks.
l mean, l just wanna go and party and not have to worry about babysitting Dave and Alex.
l already have it in my phone, Friday night, 9pm till ''question mark'' rage.
And l do not mean a small rage, l mean, like, Mardi Gras style rage, okay? Heh.
lt's ''Let the good times roll.
'' When Jane gets drunk, she turns into a Creole riverboat captain.
Guarantee.
That's it, no more True Bloodfor you.
Jane's right.
lf they come to the concert we're not gonna have fun.
lt's just gonna turn into another episode of the Dave and Alex show.
l think we know what we need to do.
So Brad and Jane can't go to the show.
Jane's throwing up because she's got food poisoning and Brad's throwing up because he can't see other people throw up.
So it's a general puke spiral over there.
Penny and Max called and said they can't come, either.
Penny got locked in a mall and Max found a baby.
What? That's ridiculous.
They can't even come up with good excuses.
They just don't wanna see us.
Yeah, this sucks.
l really wanted to see the show.
Yeah, me too.
Maybe we should just go.
Unless No.
Unless you don't wanna hang, just you and me.
No, let's just totally go together.
We should go on a road trip together.
We could see every ballpark in America.
Uh, why don't we just start with a concert? Yeah, okay.
Hey.
Hey.
All right.
Oh.
Ha, ha.
This isn't gonna be weird at all.
No, it's gonna be totes normal.
Except that l just said ''totes.
'' Let's show them what a good time they're missing.
Okay.
Okay.
Ready? Yeah.
Nice.
Wish we could see their faces when they get this.
Yeah.
Hey, guys.
We just got your text.
What's going on? First you lie to us and then you show up without us? Well, l know this looks bad, but in our defense, we didn't think you guys were gonna come here.
Dude, how is that a defense? l can't believe the two of you guys came together.
Yeah, we did, because we're fine, like l told you a bajillion times.
You do know that that's not a real number? Because you use it a lot.
Neither is ''bagina.
'' Not a real word.
Guys, come on.
What better way to bring us back together than to go to a Pedalers show? l mean come on, let's be the college us.
Yeah.
Who dat say we ain't gonna have some fun, huh? Who dat? Who dat? Who dat say we ain't gonna have some fun? Who dat? Who dat? Mm-hm, mm-hm, pump the brakes, James Carville.
White guy with rainbow dreads, drink! Oh, girl with armpit hair, girl with leg hair.
Jon Lovitz, drink, bitches.
l have no idea how you win this game, but l am positive that Jane is in the lead.
- ln the lead.
- Really.
How are you more drunk than me? Because l pre-gamed.
Okay, babe, let's play a new game.
lt's called ''Feed my wife some food.
'' l'm gonna grab you something, okay, honey? l wish we were closer.
Oh, l kinda like chilling out back here, you know? l hear you guys.
You want me to go backstage, talk to Tommy, and see if he can get us a table up front? No one said that at all.
Message received.
Arm twisted.
Besides, l wanna let him know l'm here, just in case he wants to pull me up on the stage when they sing ''Jenny.
'' You guys think she'll come to her senses? l don't have to be on Penny patrol all night? l still look 20, right? Yeesh.
l got it.
See? We're having fun.
Yes, and it's only getting better.
lt's called closure.
The wedding is behind us, l sent back all the gifts, wrote the thank you notes, done.
You sent out the thank you notes? What'd you say? Oh, l just, l put down what Emily Post recommended in this situation.
We are returning your gift because the wedding didn't take place.
Kind of vague, don't you think? l mean, that's like saying the rest of JFK's tour of Dallas did not take place.
- What was l supposed to write? - There's a trigger.
Here come the fireworks.
No.
No, no, no, we're fine, we're fine.
We are not airing our dirty laundry in public.
Yeah.
No more laundry, mon chere.
Her undies are clean and they're stacked in the drawer, next to the socks, which are in the little balls.
Ha, ha.
Clean clothes.
Woman, put this veggie burrito in you now.
l'm drunk.
l've done this a million times.
Just act like you belong.
Ha, shut up, Steven Tyler.
No, you know l love mahjong.
Mahjong? Ha, ha, oh, Steven Tyler, okay, l gotta go because l gotta head backstage.
You're not going anywhere without a pass.
Hey, listen, hey, handsome.
You know, let me let you in on a little secret.
Um, me and Tommy, you know, the electric fiddle player, we have a history, and it's a sex history.
Okay, is your plan to make things super awkward for everybody? lt's not awkward.
Actually, it is.
Hey, can l, uh, get four beers, and l promised my super-drunk friend that l would ask, do you guys have po'boys? Shut the front door, Dave Rose.
D- Rose, in the hizzy.
What's up, bro? Hey, Brody Daniels? What's up, dude? What's up, man? Yeah, man.
Oh, jeez, l haven't seen you since you got arrested for breaking into Kelly Kirkpatrick's dorm room.
Yeah, man.
Boom, married her.
Boom, boom, two kids.
Ooh.
Doing good, man.
Got this landscaping thing going.
lt's cool, man.
Let me know if you need any, like, light-up rocks or whatever, man.
Yeah, thanks, and that's awesome, congrats on the rocks thing.
Thanks so much.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, l saw that YouTube thing, that wedding thing? Dude, that was a real kick in the downstairs stuff, bro.
No, thanks, man, l appreciate that.
Dude, no, man, l appreciated it.
Everyone on my e-mail list appreciated it.
Hey, Jane's over the po'boy, but now she wants to call all her ex-boyfriends.
Whoa, you're hanging out? You hang out with the girl that snipped your speed bag, bro? What? Dude.
Uh, actually, we are back together.
That's right.
l came crawling back.
l was an idiot.
Dave is an amazing man and an incredible lover, really good lover.
Stamos good.
So you guys are back together? Yeah.
Uh, cool.
Ha, ha.
Makes the video less funny, l guess, but, uh, congrats.
Peace, D-Rose.
Wow, dodged a bullet there.
Thank you.
What were you thinking? l didn't like the way he was laughing at us.
He wasn't laughing at us, Alex, he was laughing at me, all right? Everybody is laughing at me.
l thought l was helping you.
Oh, yeah, yeah, you help me.
You helped me get famous, you helped me get my speed bag cut, you helped me max out my credit cards for a wedding that never happened.
What up, players? What's going on? Everybody having a good time? Oh, come on! Our love is like a vegetable lf you're still so mad at me, why did you even come? You said you were fine.
Did he not say he was fine, Brad? He said some things, you said some things.
Really just came here to get some coffee for my wife.
You know what? l thought that l was fine.
l really wanna be fine.
But l think that Jane is kinda right here, l'll feel okay and then all of a sudden something will trigger my anger.
So one jackass frat boy saw the YouTube video.
His name's Brody.
No one with that name has ever mattered.
No, not just one frat boy, Al, okay? All of our friends and thousands of complete strangers.
And they're not just watching it anymore, they're getting creative.
Oh yeah, yeah, show her, Brad.
Still waiting on that coffee, bro.
Anytime.
l got it.
Some Spanish DJ decided to make a little autotune.
BO Stop! Alex.
Alex.
Alex.
What's happening here.
You told me.
You told me.
You told me.
ALEX I can't do this.
That's awful.
Yeah.
- Catchy, though.
- Okay.
But you know, people will move on to the next hot viral video in, like, a day.
Some fat kid will get stuck in a door.
Why do you keep trying to whitewash this as if this thing never happened? Because it was horrible and it was my fault.
l appreciate you saying that to me and Brad, Al, okay, but you know what? The damage is done, okay, and there's no taking it back now, so.
Coffee.
Stings a bit.
No, wait, Brad, what do l do? Please, help me.
Honestly, you embarrassed the guy in front of everyone he's ever known.
lt'd be great if there was some way for you to set the record straight in front of all of them but unfortunately we're not in a romantic comedy, so.
Jenny, Jenny, that's your name There's no girl That's quite the same That's me.
He wrote that song about me.
ls your name Jenny? Check and mate.
Has no one heard of poetic license? - You ever heard of a taser license? - Okay, all right, that's real.
Oh, my God, that's him.
Tommy.
Hey, Tommy.
Yeah? lt's Penny, Jenny.
Remember Kenosha? We spent the night of Y2K together on top of your tour bus drinking boxed wine? We stayed up all night talking about whether or not we'd be able to use our ATM cards in the morning and you told me you loved me? Yeah, l'm sorry, babe, it's lt's hard to keep track of all the broken hearts.
One love? Oh, my God.
Wait, Penny.
Here you go, dude.
Come on, man, in what world is that my coat? Ugh, l can't let Dave leave.
l gotta do something.
Tommy didn't even remember me.
Guys, can we just go, please? We can't go, okay? Brad's right.
l need to get up on that stage and make a big speech because life is like a romantic comedy.
No, l said life is not like a romantic comedy.
Maybe it is.
What is she doing? l don't know, but she's got crazy eyes.
Excuse me.
Move, please.
Whoa.
Whoa! Dave, wait.
Everyone, l have to set the record straight.
Oh, damn, son.
Alex! Alex! What are you doing, man? Alex! Alex! Damn, he went down.
Hilars.
Whoa.
What's up, Tommy? Do we know you? Yeah, if the time frame is from now on and the place is your nightmares.
Excuse me? l'm here for Penny.
Who? Jenny? Penny? l know you remember her, bro.
Yeah, the crazy girl from out front that thinks l'm in love with her.
Yeah, the crazy chick that thinks.
Oh, God, she thinks it.
Then how come in April of 2003 did you tell Japanese TigerBeat that the best date of your life was on your tour bus during Y2K drinking boxed wine, watching the sunrise of Kenosha? That means that you and Penny had a real thing going on.
Or that means that Penny reads Japanese ''Tiger Beat'' and so do you.
l do read it, when you guys are on the cover.
l mean, l love Barefoot Pedaler.
Do l tell people l don't like you because l care what people think about me? Yeah.
And because there are no gay hippies, double true, it's embarrassing.
Mahesh, l bought your solo album.
No one bought your solo album.
J- Rock, l was there when you got out of rehab, holding up the sign ''You'll get them next time.
'' l mean, l'm a huge Pedal-head.
At least l was, until you broke the heart of the coolest girl in the world.
l'm outta here.
l am gone, number one fan.
Peace and out.
Just as soon as you sign one of these.
Could you just, uh, one of these CDs for me, anybody? Okay, l'm just gonna grab some souvies, souvenirs.
Anyone wanna sign that? That taser hurt every part of my body.
l know.
l can feel it in my chundle.
l know this is embarrassing, but did you pee yourself? l thought l was the only one.
You are.
l was just asking.
l was just asking.
l don't know what l was thinking, getting up there.
l mean, l just l don't know how to make it right, but l'm trying to.
l know you are, Alex.
Thank you.
What l don't understand is why you got up there even though you're mad at me.
Well, it's because no matter what happens between us, l'll always look out for you, Al.
Make room.
This jackass just stole the shirt off the bass player.
Yeah, walk away.
You don't want any more of me.
Don't do that.
Don't do that, man.
You know what's weird, babe? What? This is exactly how l thought the night would go.
- lt's a standard triple-tase resolution.
- Yup.
l think it's nice.
No matter what happens, we are always here for each other.
- Penny.
- Tommy.
Ow.
Sorry.
Of course l remembered you.
The truth is you're probably one of the only girls l remember at all.
l've slept with thousands and thousands of women, sometimes two, three at a time all over the world.
To be honest, you broke my heart.
l knew you wrote ''Jenny'' about me.
Ha, ha, no, l wrote ''Jenny'' about my wife Jenny.
But forget about that, come on, Pen, what do you think, the bus is heading to Kenosha after the show.
We can be there by sunrise.
You in? Of course not.
You just admitted to sleeping with thousands of women, plus you're married and you're going to Wisconsin by bus, and only two of those things are turn-ons.
Goodbye, Tommy.
- Oh.
- Oh! Oh.
No, l have to go.
- So which two are the turn-ons? - A lady never tells.
- Wisconsin and bus.
- Oh, my God.
Jenny That's yourname There's no girl That's quite the same Penny! Penny, Penny, Penny You're my closest friend Oh, you wrote a song about me.
Wanna be with you Until the bitter end That is so sweet.
Got the biggest calves l've seen on a man Wait.
l don't see how that lyric applies.
Oh, it doesn't.
Uh, it's for this guy, Kenny, that l met at a Spencer's Gifts.
Uh, l changed the first letter of the name just so,.
Oh, how nice for him.
l think so.
Penny, Penny, Penny You're my closest friend Wanna be with you Until the bitter end Got the biggest calves For a man Got the biggest calves For a man That's it? lt's where l'm at right now.