Happy Together (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

1 - Hey, babe.
- Hi.
I am so glad it's Friday night.
Ooh.
Jake, look at you, looking all sexy in your "bidness" clothes.
Claire, don't objectify me.
- Let me objectify myself.
Uh.
- Ooh.
- Yes.
Ooh, ooh.
- Shh.
So sexy.
Yes! Ooh, yes.
- Slay, slay, slay, slay.
- Oh, slay, yes.
Very Chicago.
- Yes.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Here we go.
[GRUNTS.]
Sweatpants me, babe.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Ooh, they're on backwards.
Don't care.
It's the weekend.
[LAUGHS.]
Right.
Um what Babe, what-what's happening? So, you know how the best part of eating some cheese puffs is licking all the dust off your fingers at the end? Well, I crushed up an entire bag and now the whole thing is dust.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wait, you think I'm gross? No, I think you're a genius.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
If I get my entire hand wet I can make a whole glove like Michael Jackson's, except, you know, made of [SINGSONGY.]
: cheese.
[LAUGHS.]
[IMITATING MICHAEL JACKSON.]
: I got the cheese-ah I got the cheese on my finger-ah.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
- Hey, man.
- Guess who you're looking at.
As of today, the new face of Calvin Klein underwear.
- Hey.
- Oh.
Underwear models, accountants, we both do our best work in briefs.
Yeah, they're giving me a lot of money for this.
Are you sure I can't pay you guys rent for letting me crash here? No, just save us the underwear that you wear in the shoot.
- I'm sorry, what? - And we'll put it on eBay and we can probably pay off the house.
Oh, yeah.
- Give me them drawers, man.
- CLAIRE: Mm-hmm.
Hey, well, this is great news, man.
Come sit down and celebrate.
Oh, I don't want to interrupt.
You guys are obviously having people over.
What makes you say that? Well, that table full of snacks and that second table full of snacks.
- Oh, no, this is just for us.
- Yep.
But I can see how it looks like we're feeding a peewee soccer team.
It's so great to be around people who aren't afraid to eat for pleasure.
We just like to treat ourselves at the end of a hard week to all our favorite foods.
JAKE: That's right.
We work our asses off, so on Friday nights we like to kick back and get our weekend started - like pregame LeBron.
- Mm.
- Ready, babe? - Oh, yeah.
Let's do this.
And Yeah! [BOTH COUGHING.]
I should not have crushed up the puffs.
[COUGHING.]
: No.
I'll go get the vacuum.
Mistakes were made.
Imagine me and you, I do I think about you day and night It's only right So happy together [VOCALIZING.]
Couldn't decide what I wanted to make for breakfast, so, uh, - I made everything.
- Oh, wow.
Hi.
- This looks delicious.
- Oh, yeah.
Um, but have our eating habits gotten a bit out of control? What? No.
This is breakfast it's the most important meal of the day.
Yeah, but, uh, you know, Cooper's so healthy, and we pretty much eat like we're Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone.
Which we can do because we have memberships at that 24 Hour Fitness.
Um, which we haven't been to since the day we signed up.
And, uh, I drove by the other day.
- It's now a Sephora.
- Oh.
So what? You know, like, I know you're too classy to admit it, but you've always been one of those girls that can eat whatever she wants without gaining weight.
- Hmm.
- Boop.
Now come over here and, uh, Lady and the Tramp this maple bacon.
[LAUGHS.]
Jake.
I can't believe I have to say this for the third day in a row, but you've got bacon hanging out your mouth.
And you can, too, my man.
Boop.
Claire, his, uh, bacon hole's not working.
CLAIRE: Stop.
I'm sorry, mate, but my trainer Antoine keeps me on this insane no-sugar, raw food diet.
Well, eats like a rabbit, talks like a koala.
And I'd love to have breakfast with you guys, but, um, the truth is I have to watch what I eat, 'cause I used to be a little bit overweight.
- [LAUGHING.]
: What? - What?! That's terrible.
CLAIRE [LAUGHING.]
: Oh, really? [STIFLED LAUGHTER.]
Wait, you-you guys are happy about this? No.
No.
No.
Maybe a little.
[CLAIRE CHUCKLES.]
I mean, it's kind of fun to find out that our hot pop star roommate used to be a [AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
: chubby "wittle" wallaby.
[JAKE LAUGHS.]
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
: The Chunkstah from Down Undah.
[LAUGHS.]
- Oh, Huge Jackman.
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I heard them all during my fat Cooper days, which is why I burnt all the photos, except for the one that Antoine makes me keep as a reminder to work out.
Well, I'm sorry you had to go through that, buddy.
I never had to worry about weight, 'cause I'm a college athlete.
[LAUGHS.]
What's-what's funny? What I'm sorry, babe, but we have been out of college for over a decade.
Uh, it's a lifetime title, Claire.
[CHUCKLES.]
Like "the pope" or, uh, or "the grape lady.
" [GRUNTING.]
: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! I can't breathe.
Stop the tape.
Chew on this, Coop-dawg.
COOPER: Wow.
Man, that's so cool you used to be able to dunk.
What? You used to be able to dunk.
No, I think you misunderstood this, uh, Cooper Gooding, Jr.
I I still can dunk, okay? I just stopped because I got tired of making grown men cry.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, that's the sound of my dunks going through the net.
Followed by [IMITATING PEOPLE SHOUTING.]
That's our neighbors crowding around to cheer me on.
Followed by "beep, beep, beep.
" That's the ambulance backing into our driveway.
Ooh, all right.
Cooper, give me some drumroll.
[DRUMMING ON CHAIR.]
Claire, sexy fan scream.
I love you, Dr.
Dunk! Ha-ha, I love you, too, whoever you are.
Ah.
I have to admit I'm a little nervous.
- That you can't do it? - No.
That I'll burn up on reentry.
[CAR ALARM BLARING.]
[GRUNTING.]
: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Okay, Jake, I want you to just relax and tell us exactly what happened.
Right, um, so, something was definitely off out there.
You know? I mean, by my tenth dunk Attempt.
Thank you, Gerald.
It was really scary, you know? I was sweating, my pulse was racing and I was, like, short of breath.
[WHISPERING.]
Mom.
What's wrong with him? Jake, in our expert opinion, we think you might have experienced something we in the medical community call exercising.
What? No way.
No-no-no way.
I worked out all the time back in college.
I've never felt anything like this.
Well, that's because your body chemistry has changed.
I mean, you still have the same heart that you had back then, except now it's trapped - inside a bunch of cheese.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Why don't you just drink your morning margs and lay off Jake.
Great.
Then we can move on to you, Ms.
Maternity Jeans.
[LAUGHS.]
: I am not wearing maternity jea Okay, well, these ones are maternity jeans.
But I only bought them because I thought that "stork-style" meant skinny legs.
It makes sense.
Look, it's nothing to be ashamed about.
The fact is you're both over 30 now, and your metabolism is slowing down.
Okay, you guys are overreacting.
'Cause we're not fat.
No.
But you are pre-fat.
As in, just about to pop.
Just like the Nutty Professor right before his potion wears off.
He's going along, thinks he looks good, and [SPUTTERING.]
Get back in there, shoulder! - Whoa! - Yeah.
Oh, no! Oh! It's true, and you better make some big changes soon, or you'll end up like my poor cousin Tommy.
Oh, cousin To I love that guy.
What happened to him? Oh, he's dead.
And he was only 50, Jake.
Oh, my God.
That's horrible.
Horrible and tragic.
Like your dunk.
Attempt.
What? - Aw.
- Uh, Jake.
Come on, it's past midnight.
Can we please just go to sleep? Claire, cousin Tommy played college football and had a heart attack.
I sit when I pee.
I'm a goner.
[GROANS.]
So we're not in peak physical shape anymore.
It's not that big a deal.
Claire, I am 20 pounds heavier than I was in college.
If we don't make serious changes, I may never dunk again, and you might never fit in your old jeans.
What? I can fit in my old jeans.
Eh, sure you can.
[SCOFFS.]
- Ooh.
- You'll probably die right after me.
[LAUGHS.]
Which would be super sweet.
Our last words will probably be, "Are you gonna finish that?" - [THUMPING.]
- Baby? - Babe, you okay in there? - [GRUNTING.]
Sounds like you're flipping a tire.
Ba-bam! Oh.
You see? Yeah, those are nice.
Now, uh, turn around.
I really don't want to.
Button popped off, didn't it? Yeh, I'm gonna need a sewing kit, um - and a drywall patch.
- Oh.
I am so glad you guys asked for my help.
As my trainer Antoine says, the first step to getting in shape is getting rid of all the junk food.
Or, in your case, just food.
Uh, only thing left in there is, uh, some milk, a box of baking soda and the tops of some strawberries.
- Ah - Yeah.
I had to cut them because the bottoms were all dipped in chocolate.
Now, let's do your pantry.
Toss all of this in these boxes, and I will throw it away.
Antoine says junk food can be as addictive as heroin.
- [SNORTS.]
Yeah, right.
- Okay, that's a little dramatic.
Give me those back, you son of a bitch! - Uh - [THUDDING.]
I get it.
You know, back when I was Fat Cooper, I threw a tizzy when my parents pollywogged my Tim Tams in the bin.
I don't know what you just said, uh But I did think of a new Fat Cooper name.
Meal Gibson.
[LAUGHS.]
Or Olivia Fig Newton-John.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Ha, ha.
Ha.
Great bullying, guys.
Now get to work.
All right.
Well, Cap'n Crunch, looks like it's Chips Ahoy.
- [HUMMING "TAPS".]
- Silly rabbit, looks like Trix are for nobody now.
Twizzlers.
Now, who's ready for breakfast? - Oh, I am.
- Me! - Hey.
There - Oh.
Jake, what did he put in our milkshake machine? I have no idea.
Look at the size of those grapes.
Those are beets, Jake.
[SNIFFING.]
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, you know what? This reminds me: we need to change the filter in the aquarium.
Oh.
Uh all right, now let's toast to a long and healthy future together.
- Come on.
Come on.
- [GROANS.]
Cheers.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Ooh.
Wow.
It's, uh Nope.
It's like one of those old dollars in a vending machine.
It just won't go down.
Oh.
I Ugh.
I think I just got a whole onion.
[CHUCKLES.]
You guys can do it, I promise.
Bottoms up, come on.
- [MOANING.]
- Go on.
Come on.
Ugh My compliments to the goose that pooped in this glass.
[STOMACH RUMBLING.]
It's only been three days and our bodies are already settling into their sexy new shapes.
Oh, my God, this is torture.
I'm starving! [GROANS.]
And all our old food is just downstairs, waiting for garbage day.
- Baby Ruth.
- Mmm.
- Little Debbie.
- Oh The Sour Patch Kids.
They're just children, Jake.
- Not the babies.
- [CRIES.]
: No! We should go check on them, see how they're doing.
No, no, no.
We have to stop enabling each other.
[SIGHS.]
You're right.
You're right.
Let's just turn off the lights, go to sleep.
Yeah.
[SQUEALS.]
- Whoa! - What the hell? Guys, I think we'd better call Antoine.
Fat Cooper's back.
Hey, thanks for seeing us, Antoine.
My shoot's in a week, and I was literally eating garbage.
Uh-huh.
Well, Cooper, before I got fit, I used to roll over at 1:00 a.
m.
and text Taco Bell, "You up?" We're gonna get you back on track.
Well, we are also ready to start living healthier lives.
- Yeah.
- And your gym is so cool.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, it was very important for me to maintain the vibe of the building's rich, rich history.
What did this space used to be? A slaughterhouse.
Now, the next seven days will not be easy, but I promise they'll be worth it.
All right? Claire, why don't you, uh, hit the heavy bag.
Boys, let's start with some burpees.
Burpees.
Okay, uh [GRUNTS.]
Should we, uh, be [GRUNTS.]
Shouldn't we be easing into this stuff? Excellent point.
If you're struggling, feel free to take things down a notch.
- Try some lunges.
Yeah.
- Oh, cool.
That should provide plenty of time for another guy to move in on Claire.
Sorry, what? I'm just talking about all the beefcake dudes on her Facebook page, lurking, just waiting to take her to pound town after you die! What what the hell? Oh, Cooper let me in on all your weaknesses and fears to help me motivate you.
Well, I respond better to positive reinforcements.
Okay.
Well, I'm positive that Jeff Killroy's gonna be the man that teaches your son how to ride a bike after you die! And Patrick Watson is a sexy surfer with a shark bite scar that's gonna fornicate with Claire after you die! Take it easy on him, Antoine.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, okay.
Well, you know who's not gonna take it easy on you, Claire? Society's physical expectations of women over 30.
Now, make like a widow whose pension just ran out and get back to work! Punch! You can do this, Claire! Shut your trap, you bloated Bieber.
Don't listen to him, Cooper.
He's just using our fears against us.
I know.
Isn't he the best? Faster! - Harder! Come on! - [ALL GROANING.]
Can I have some water? Yeah, I'll get you some water.
After you die! [GROANING, WHIMPERING.]
Come on! Hup, hup, hup! [GROANS.]
Bad news, Claire.
Dinner's ready.
CLAIRE: Man, these last six days working out have left me sore as hell, but I [CHUCKLES.]
have a surprise for you.
Ba-bam.
Ooh.
Jeans buttoned and zipped.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Mm-hmm.
Daddy likes what he sees - and he sees what he likes.
- Ooh.
I mean, these pants are-are so tight that I can barely breathe, but, uh, maybe Dr.
Dunk wants to give me some mouth-to-mouth.
Why don't you come down here so we can squish our bodies together? - Oh, your pants.
- Okay, here I come.
Yeah.
You better bring it to me, little granny.
- [CLAIRE GRUNTS.]
- Yeah, come here.
- [GROANS.]
- Ow.
[GRUNTS.]
Okay.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
- Ah, yeah.
- [BOTH MOAN.]
Mmm.
Wait.
Hold on, I think I have to sneeze.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't do that.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're too close, you'll make - [SNEEZES.]
- Ow! - Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
- Ow, ow.
- JAKE: My muscles.
- CLAIRE: Ow.
Ooh.
Hiya, guys, we're Okay! [WHIMPERING.]
That's how you guys have sex? [CLAIRE WHIMPERS.]
Ugh.
No, we're just too sore to move.
- Can you please just help us get up? - [MOANS.]
Yes, of course.
- Ow.
- Please.
- [GRUNTS.]
- [GROANS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- [GROANS.]
Ooh.
[BOTH CONTINUE GROANING.]
JAKE: Thank you, Coops.
How'd the photo shoot go? So amazing.
And I'm really grateful to you guys for helping me get back into shape.
And, and because of that, I wanted to share something special with you.
- Oh.
- Good God.
You look amazing.
Wow, man.
Is this the, uh, one, Calvin Klein's gonna put on the billboards? What? No, that's Fat Cooper.
- Are you kidding me? - What the hell? I know.
I barely even have a six-pack.
Oh, my Dude, you look the same.
That's the meanest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Can you believe this kid? Ugh, I know.
G I just got to keep looking at this photo to remind myself how mad I am.
Stop.
You know, honey, Cooper's not the only reason I wanted to get into shape.
I mean, my favorite thing in life is to spend Friday nights with you on the couch, and I want to do that as long as I can.
Yeah, same.
[LAUGHS.]
But I don't want to live forever if this is how it's gonna feel.
I mean, one of the joys of marriage is being able to let yourself go.
Yeah.
I never realized that health was the worst part of "in sickness and in health.
" Let's just try to live healthier during the week, but then on weekends just be garbage people.
Absolutely.
And, uh, since we're on the same page here, I feel like I can admit to you that I never actually threw away our food.
You didn't? [GASPS.]
[BOTH SCREAM.]
[LAUGHS.]
- Our babies.
- Yes.
[SCREAMS.]
Oh, Mommy and Daddy love you so much.
Mmm.