Harley Quinn (2019) s01e03 Episode Script
So You Need A Crew?
Dasvidaniya suka! You speak Russian? I can only say two things.
And the other one.
[ALARM BUZZES.]
[GRUMBLES.]
[ALARM BUZZES.]
[STRUGGLING.]
[ALARM BUZZES.]
[GRUNTING.]
- Yes! - [ALARM BUZZES.]
Oh, God! Are you shittin' me? [JOKER LAUGHING.]
Joker! - This is my score.
- Well, it was.
[CLICKS OPEN.]
But it's mine now.
The only reason you're getting this and I'm not, is you got a bunch of goons that do whatever you say.
That's not true! Goons, throw Harley out.
[BOTH.]
Whatever you say, boss.
Whoa! [SIGHS.]
I need a fucking crew.
No, you need a shower.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
So, you didn't get the warhead? No.
Joker stole it 'cause he had a crew.
Like all real supervillains.
I mean, I get by just fine on my own.
So [COUGHING SARCASTICALLY.]
Your independence is quite inspiring.
- Oh, can it, Frank.
- I love you, Ivy.
You know, Ive, I could have really used your help out there.
Honestly, I really think that crews are over-rated.
You know, it's like, some very successful supervillains work alone.
Like look at this guy.
Look at Dr.
Psycho.
Perfect example.
Doesn't have a crew, yet still taking on Wonder Woman.
Like a champ.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING.]
Still too scared to fight me with your own hands, Psycho? What a grand idea! [CHOKING.]
[LAUGHING.]
I'm sorry.
What's that? You really want your last words to be [MIMICS CHOKING.]
[WONDER WOMAN SCREAMS.]
- That really hurt, you [BLEEP.]
! - [ALL GASP.]
[GASPS.]
[BOTH GASP.]
Holy shit! Well, see! If he had a crew, they would have told him to use the B word instead.
And if I had one, I'd use that warhead to blackmail Gotham into naming a highway after me.
Huh? A highway.
All right.
Well, you know, that took a weird turn.
[SLURPS.]
[SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION.]
Mmm.
So you're certain this whole [BLEEP.]
thing is gonna blow over, right? - Oh, yeah.
- Sure, yeah.
A few talk show appearances - Cry about how you love your wife.
- [LAUGHING.]
It's exactly what we had Mr.
Freeze do when he exposed himself at the Gotham water park.
You guys fixed that? Wow, you're good.
- And by good, I mean bad! - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Come on! Ms.
Quinn, we've been expecting you.
- Thank you.
- Let's get you henched up.
That's Cronk.
He's muscle.
If you don't mind crazy roid rage, he's your man.
- The Professor, he's brainy.
- So smart.
He's not brainy with names though, huh? - Oh, my God, so right.
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Beautiful.
Meet Blaze! - Explosive.
Lotta buzz on him.
- Boom.
- Lotta chatter.
- [MAKING CHATTER EFFECT.]
Lotta heat.
Yes, and if you don't take him today, he'll have seven offers tomorrow.
- Goodbye.
- Hell, I'll take 'em all.
I'll crush Joker with this team behind me.
- I thought you were his girlfriend.
- No.
- I dumped that bum weeks ago.
- You didn't go back to him? - Yeah, like you always do.
- No.
I'm on my own now.
So, when can these guys start? - I'm sorry.
These men are unavailable.
- For how long? - For - Ever? - Yeah.
- Yeah, forever.
Well, I don't need ya.
I don't need any of ya! I'll put together my own crew who's excited to work with a real up-and-comer.
If you get back together with Joker, our doors are always [PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
Hey! Hey! Hey, you! Are you tired of being a lousy sidekick? Abused, shit on, used as a human shield? Then come work for me.
You'll get top dollar, great benefits, and I won't ever, knowingly, send you to your deaths.
[SCREAMING.]
Wait, was she talking about a job where we don't have to jump into hell portals and definitely die? Oh, just shut up and jump.
[SCREAMING.]
I'm definitely dying! I promise you it'll be better than that.
Join me, and we'll be doing million dollar heists in no time.
- Who's with me? - Can't.
- Busy.
- I got a family emergency.
[STAMMERING.]
I have a thing.
[SCREAMING.]
- Assholes.
- No.
No.
No.
No.
Before you open your female trap, no way in hell I'm working for you.
Who asked ya? Can you believe [BLEEP.]
guy's rejecting me? [SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
Well, ma'am, I don't know nothing about that.
I'm just a simply farm boy from Oklahoma.
I got two parents, three girls, four boys, two lab mixes, both uncut on a small ranch just outside of Muskogee.
- What's your problem, weirdo? - Why, Ms I don't have no problem, because I am actually [GROWLS.]
- Jeez.
- Good, fuckin' God.
The name is Clayface.
Thespian extraordinaire recently portraying the juicy role of country boy bartending in the big city.
I thought you were playing the role of "literal piece of shit".
Not yet.
- Ugh.
It's in my hair.
- Now I'm a literal piece of shit.
- Okay.
- [THUDDING.]
Is it Clayface or Fuckface? Hey! Kite Man here.
Thinking about doing a caper, gang.
Not sure what, might steal something, might kidnap somebody.
I don't know, uh, depending on the weather.
But Kite will be involved.
- Who's in? - [ALL.]
I am! Let's do this! I do not fucking believe this.
And then, they all ran off with that loser Kite Man.
Yeah.
What a loser that guy is.
Did he mention my name? You know what, nevermind.
- But did he? - There must be something I'm missing.
- How do I get people to work for me? - She has no fuckin' idea.
Because plants do all this shit for her lazy ass.
[DISMISSIVE GROAN.]
There must be someone who can gimme the inside scoop.
Babe, what real supervillain is gonna give away their trade secrets? Well, maybe not "give away".
[LIGHTS CLANK OFF.]
[THUNDER CRACKING.]
I am Maxie Zeus! And tonight, I "max" all your dreams come true! This guy's such a douche.
I'm sorry, but none of the charming villains with great personalities were holding seminars today.
Joker.
Riddler.
Two-Face.
What do they have that you don't? - [POISON IVY.]
A penis? - A crew! A villain goes in alone, but a supervillain needs henchmen.
When I robbed the 1996 Olympics - [CROWD APPLAUDING.]
- Oh, thank you very much, just lovely.
Fun times.
My crew helped me steal those medals.
And now I literally sleep on a pile of gold.
Ivy, you hear that? Sleeps on gold! Honestly, with the amount of coke this guy does, I doubt he's sleeping on anything.
So, how does one recruit goons? Through a henchmen agency, - or from popular villain - [HARLEY.]
Oh, oh, oh, oh Yes.
The juggler in the third row.
Mr.
Zeus, I tried those things and they didn't work.
You can't let rejection stop you.
Think about the big boys.
Darkseid.
Luthor.
Maxie.
- Are we quitters? - [CROWD.]
No! Neither are you! Okay, I'm out.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Didn't know you were busy.
No, no.
Come in.
Just letting my legs breathe.
You were so inspiring.
If you don't mind, I got a couple questions.
And I've got one big answer.
[SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Wow.
That's just like one of those paintings, you know, where the eyes follow you, except, nope, it's just your greased-up nipples.
Just between us, I painted it.
Shh.
Weird.
So, hey, I was wondering if you'd just gimme some pointers.
Well, I can certainly give you one.
Ah, got it! So you're just a creepy dick.
- I'm not fucking you.
- Oh, really? You were laughed out of UTI.
Yeah! Word gets around.
You'll never get a crew! Because no bad guy will ever work for a woman.
- My two cents.
- Then here's mine.
See a urologist, 'cause creepy dick wasn't just an insult, it was a concern.
And if no bad guy will work with me, then maybe I don't need a "bad guy".
Harley, I told you this, I work alone.
Alone-ish.
- Don't even get me started right now.
- Come on, Ive.
With your ability to control all plant life on Earth, and my gymnastics, I mean, there's nothing we can't do if we team up.
I said no.
I mean, I got a brand.
You know? It's like, adding gymnastics to it, it's a very muddled message.
Tell her the real reason, you lying motherfucker.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, God, here we go.
All right, so look, there's a glass ceiling for female supervillains, okay? Like, sure, we're tolerated, but as long as we don't get too powerful.
- Aren't you being a little dramatic? - Guess whose naive ass who hasn't heard of the Queen of Fables.
Go on, Ivy, tell your story.
I'll set the mood.
All right, all right.
Thanks, Frank.
So, a long time ago, way back in the '80s.
There was this powerful sorceress, right? She's known as the Queen of Fables.
Fed up of being a footnote to the male supervillains, she decided to turn Gotham into an evil force by using sorcery to pull characters from the pages of storybooks.
Until she had a whole army at her command.
- Well, what happened to her? - Ask her yourself.
[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
FYI, bailin' out your klepto aunt with the snow globe fetish does not count.
Next.
Uh, hey, I'm looking for the Queen of Fables? Just found her, sweetie.
No.
Why you lookin' up there for? Here.
The book.
Me.
I'm stuck in this bullshit.
I've got 20 minutes till my next appointment.
What's up? Hey, my name's Harley Quinn.
I'm a new supervillain, and I was told I should ask what happened to you.
[SIGHS AND COUGHS.]
All right, buckle up, honey, it's story time.
So there I was with my crew, a bunch of dumb storybook things, when the heroes showed up.
Ugh! It was a horror.
No, no, no.
There's no way Superman did that.
I exaggerate to add flavor.
But the truth is, they punished me in a way no one has ever been punished.
No! [SIGHS.]
Instead of throwing me into Arkham like any male villain, they came up with this bullshit.
I mean, a guy robs a bank, he's a criminal mastermind.
- A woman robs a bank - She's a crazy bitch.
Exactly! Think about it.
A male supervillain can literally look like a deformed penguin, but God forbid we outshine them even a little bit, and into the fucking tax book we go, forever.
Yeah, you can get as big as you want, - as long as you don't get bigger than them.
- Yeah.
You get it.
And your ambition won't just hurt you, it'll hurt the people you care most about.
- Birthday cake for the boss at 4:00.
- Thanks, Mark.
God, I hate this place.
But at least I'm not on the streets turning tricks for cash anymore.
[GRUMBLES.]
Who knows.
Maybe your story will turn out different.
I couldn't get a crew 'cause no one believed in me.
So I had to make my own by believing in stupid little things like Mark.
- No offense, Mark.
- [MARK SIGHS.]
- Queen of Fables, pretty fun, right? - Oh, she was pretty bleak.
Before I left she was like, "I have to use the bathroom.
There, I did it".
Did you send me to her because you think I can't do this? No, Harley, I sent you there because I know that you can.
Look [SIGHS.]
I just wanted you to know what you're up against, you know, 'cause I, uh I love ya.
- Don't make a thing of it.
- [FRANK CRYING.]
[WAILS.]
Anybody feel this shit but me? A man can't show emotion! A man? Fuck you, Ivy.
Look, I appreciate your warning but what Queen of Fables made me realize, is if I want a crew, I shouldn't be looking for scumbags who believe in me, I should be looking for scumbags no one else believes in.
Right, okay.
So, so, so, that was the take away from the chain-smoking book, - and the trick turning cookie? - Yeah! And I know just where to start.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.]
Welcome back.
We have here Dr.
Psycho.
- [AUDIENCE BOOS.]
- He says he's here to apologize for using the C word.
- [WOMAN.]
Woman hater! - What? [LAUGHING.]
Hate women? I cherish them.
No one on God's green Earth respects women like this one.
I know.
I know.
Giganta, girl, how you feelin' about all this? She is devastated, that the world is attacking a man she knows is so kind, - is so loving - Let's hear it in her own words.
Those are her own words.
I'm a telepath, right? She thinks it, I say it.
Isn't that right, honey? - [AUDIENCE BOO.]
- She said "Right".
She did not say "Right"! Did y'all hear her say "Right"? - She was talking to me! - Mmm-hmm.
An individual person who exists outside of you! - Go, girl.
- A person who, - for years you mind controlled - Don't do this.
- into thinking they loved you! - Do not do this! A person who is leaving you! Why, you get back here, - you miserable [BLEEP.]
- [ALL GASP.]
[GASPS.]
Holy shit! He just became the least employable person on Earth.
Exactly.
So, you know, I thought, hey, maybe you should join me and my crew.
[CHUCKLES.]
Join you? I'm in the big leagues, mama.
The L.
O.
D.
The Legion of Doom.
Hard pass! We cannot condone Dr.
Psycho's use of the C Word, as it does not represent our brand of evil.
We hereby banish him from the Legion of Doom, Legion of Doom Europe, and The Junior Doomers of America.
Did I say hard pass? I meant soft accept.
I wanna join your crew.
Not because I think working for a female will help rehabilitate my ruined image, blah, blah, blah It's for other reasons.
I don't hate women! Kinda seems like you do.
Whoo-hoo, the salty language that comes outta your mouth.
I'm just glad my Mama Jean ain't allowed to hear it.
Even hot southern bartender character thinks you're a piece of shit.
But I believe in you, and I think you have a part to play.
Did you say a "part"? Then you must also require the services of - Oh! - Fuck, not again.
- an actor! - You're damn right I do.
You, me, and Psycho.
This is gonna be the start of something huge.
So, what's our first evil scheme? Is it a nuke in a volcano? Evil scheme? Oh, a honey pot heist where I seduce Gotham's mayor with my saucy Sheila character? How do you feel about petty, personal vendettas? No, I'd say more unsettling than creepy.
No, disturbing.
That's it.
Found it.
All right, we're gonna steal this asshole's gold medals and anything else we can get out hands on.
- Like the saying goes - "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned".
Oh, I was gonna say, "The prick has it coming".
But yeah, I like your fancy way better.
All right, here's the plan.
Me and Psycho will go in through the back, find his loot, and clean him out.
Clayface, you go knock on the front door, pretend to be the mailman - to distract him.
- What do we know about this mailman? What are his dreams? His fears, his raison d'etre? Who gives a shit? You're just a mailman.
Brilliant! That's what the world sees.
Just a mailman.
But we [CHUCKLES.]
We know better, don't we? He was a horribly neglected little boy, and he grew up in a cage! The only time he heard rumblings from the outside world was when the mailman came, which is why he spent his whole life dreaming of being one.
Yeah, no.
None of that.
You're just a mailman.
Deliver the mail.
- Oh! She demands perfection, doesn't she? - [GROANS.]
- And she'll get it.
- Mmm-hmm.
My mind is awhirl with a delicious new character - who you'll soon meet.
- No, I can't even.
Who dares disturb a living god, after 9:00 p.
m.
? Here's your mail Dad.
- Dad? - Years ago you met my ma in a piano bar, and knew you must have her.
Damn what your parents thought.
She might have been from the wrong side of the tracks, but she was on the right side of your heart.
- The fuck is he doing? - I'm done.
It's really you? I I thought I'd lost you forever after Piano Bar Janet said she - "took care of it".
- Oh, she tried.
- But it didn't take.
- Of course it didn't.
For you are half god! So, who do you need me to mind control to open the door? No, no, no one.
Just squeeze in the crawl space, get into the house, and open it from the inside.
Are you shittin' me? I'm a genius telepath, why you wasting me on this? You're the only thing small enough to fit.
Got it.
Son of a bitch! - [THUDDING.]
- Argh! My eyelashes just touched a dead raccoon! Quit your bitchin' and keep going.
God this is humiliating.
[MAXIE ZEUS.]
Son, we have much to catch up on.
Yes, Father.
Or should I call you Dad? Call me almighty Zeus.
God of the sky and thunder.
Supreme ruler of Olympus, and all of Earth below.
Okey-doke.
[DR.
PSYCHO.]
Wow! And I'm an egomaniac.
[HARLEY.]
Yeah.
This looks about right.
Where the fuck does he keep those stupid medals? Easy.
He said he literally sleeps on a pile of gold.
[GRUNTS.]
And then after getting the Medal of Honor in war I toured the world playing ping-pong.
What a remarkable journey your life has been.
And so oddly similar to that of Forrest Gump.
It is rather strange you don't share your mother's brilliant blue eyes.
My mistake, I guess.
Trick of the light.
Although I don't know how you avoided her family proclivity for Hunchback? Ah-ha! The Olympic gold medals.
What the hell? Son, you are the spitting image of your mother.
[LISPING.]
I'm so glad you think so, Daddy Zeus.
But it's so sad she suffered from a lisp.
Oh, you lying piece of shit! Do you really think I'd fall for this? Perhaps? Who do you work for, monstrosity? Joker? Oh, no, you didn't! Wait, wait, wait, don't emasculate him.
Riddler? No, no, no, he's about to rally.
I can feel it.
The Penguin? Tell me who you work for, creature, or the next blow will be a killing one.
He works for me, you oily bitch! Well, if it isn't the girl I chose not to have sex with.
Regrettably, you're too late I'm afraid.
[WHIMPERS.]
No! [SCREAMS.]
[LISPING.]
Thanks, Psycho.
All right, dickhead.
Just drop the lisp.
I wish I could, but I bit my tongue.
You said no woman could ever get a crew of bad guys.
Well, I didn't just get bad guys, I got two of the fuckin' worst.
You call that a crew? A midget and a mudslide? [LAUGHS.]
I'll give you once chance to tell the world Harley Quinn's crew ain't nothing to fuck with.
Or what? [SNAPS FINGER.]
Fine.
- I'll say it.
- Oh, I know you will.
Motivational speaker, and self-proclaimed supervillain, Maxie Zeus, was found beaten this morning.
- [MAXIE ZEUS GROANS.]
- Oh, oh! Follow me, follow me.
Mr.
Zeus, how did this happen? Who did this terrible thing to you? All I can say is, Harley Quinn's crew ain't nothing to fuck with.
Sounds like Harley Quinn, former girlfriend of the Joker, is striking out on her own.
Holy fucking shit, Harls.
You did it.
I would not have seen that coming.
It's been 30 long years since a female villain had a crew.
When the Queen of Fables tried to smash through that glass ceiling but was imprisoned in the US Tax Code by The Justice League.
'Cause they're bitches.
But I'll be damned.
Harley's actually going for it.
One thing's for sure, the Joker's ex may soon become his biggest competitor.
- This is - [GUN FIRING.]
Well, you know, congratulations.
I mean, I know gold medals aren't a nuclear warhead, but you gonna start somewhere.
Oh, no, I got a warhead.
I traded the gold medals for it.
Get outta town, where is it? I used it to blackmail the city just like I said I would.
Hey, y'all, it's me again.
This just in, we take you live to a high-speed chase on the abruptly renamed Harley Quinn Parkway.
I'll be fuckin' damned.
Totally worth it.
Right? [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
And the other one.
[ALARM BUZZES.]
[GRUMBLES.]
[ALARM BUZZES.]
[STRUGGLING.]
[ALARM BUZZES.]
[GRUNTING.]
- Yes! - [ALARM BUZZES.]
Oh, God! Are you shittin' me? [JOKER LAUGHING.]
Joker! - This is my score.
- Well, it was.
[CLICKS OPEN.]
But it's mine now.
The only reason you're getting this and I'm not, is you got a bunch of goons that do whatever you say.
That's not true! Goons, throw Harley out.
[BOTH.]
Whatever you say, boss.
Whoa! [SIGHS.]
I need a fucking crew.
No, you need a shower.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
So, you didn't get the warhead? No.
Joker stole it 'cause he had a crew.
Like all real supervillains.
I mean, I get by just fine on my own.
So [COUGHING SARCASTICALLY.]
Your independence is quite inspiring.
- Oh, can it, Frank.
- I love you, Ivy.
You know, Ive, I could have really used your help out there.
Honestly, I really think that crews are over-rated.
You know, it's like, some very successful supervillains work alone.
Like look at this guy.
Look at Dr.
Psycho.
Perfect example.
Doesn't have a crew, yet still taking on Wonder Woman.
Like a champ.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING.]
Still too scared to fight me with your own hands, Psycho? What a grand idea! [CHOKING.]
[LAUGHING.]
I'm sorry.
What's that? You really want your last words to be [MIMICS CHOKING.]
[WONDER WOMAN SCREAMS.]
- That really hurt, you [BLEEP.]
! - [ALL GASP.]
[GASPS.]
[BOTH GASP.]
Holy shit! Well, see! If he had a crew, they would have told him to use the B word instead.
And if I had one, I'd use that warhead to blackmail Gotham into naming a highway after me.
Huh? A highway.
All right.
Well, you know, that took a weird turn.
[SLURPS.]
[SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION.]
Mmm.
So you're certain this whole [BLEEP.]
thing is gonna blow over, right? - Oh, yeah.
- Sure, yeah.
A few talk show appearances - Cry about how you love your wife.
- [LAUGHING.]
It's exactly what we had Mr.
Freeze do when he exposed himself at the Gotham water park.
You guys fixed that? Wow, you're good.
- And by good, I mean bad! - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Come on! Ms.
Quinn, we've been expecting you.
- Thank you.
- Let's get you henched up.
That's Cronk.
He's muscle.
If you don't mind crazy roid rage, he's your man.
- The Professor, he's brainy.
- So smart.
He's not brainy with names though, huh? - Oh, my God, so right.
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Beautiful.
Meet Blaze! - Explosive.
Lotta buzz on him.
- Boom.
- Lotta chatter.
- [MAKING CHATTER EFFECT.]
Lotta heat.
Yes, and if you don't take him today, he'll have seven offers tomorrow.
- Goodbye.
- Hell, I'll take 'em all.
I'll crush Joker with this team behind me.
- I thought you were his girlfriend.
- No.
- I dumped that bum weeks ago.
- You didn't go back to him? - Yeah, like you always do.
- No.
I'm on my own now.
So, when can these guys start? - I'm sorry.
These men are unavailable.
- For how long? - For - Ever? - Yeah.
- Yeah, forever.
Well, I don't need ya.
I don't need any of ya! I'll put together my own crew who's excited to work with a real up-and-comer.
If you get back together with Joker, our doors are always [PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
Hey! Hey! Hey, you! Are you tired of being a lousy sidekick? Abused, shit on, used as a human shield? Then come work for me.
You'll get top dollar, great benefits, and I won't ever, knowingly, send you to your deaths.
[SCREAMING.]
Wait, was she talking about a job where we don't have to jump into hell portals and definitely die? Oh, just shut up and jump.
[SCREAMING.]
I'm definitely dying! I promise you it'll be better than that.
Join me, and we'll be doing million dollar heists in no time.
- Who's with me? - Can't.
- Busy.
- I got a family emergency.
[STAMMERING.]
I have a thing.
[SCREAMING.]
- Assholes.
- No.
No.
No.
No.
Before you open your female trap, no way in hell I'm working for you.
Who asked ya? Can you believe [BLEEP.]
guy's rejecting me? [SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
Well, ma'am, I don't know nothing about that.
I'm just a simply farm boy from Oklahoma.
I got two parents, three girls, four boys, two lab mixes, both uncut on a small ranch just outside of Muskogee.
- What's your problem, weirdo? - Why, Ms I don't have no problem, because I am actually [GROWLS.]
- Jeez.
- Good, fuckin' God.
The name is Clayface.
Thespian extraordinaire recently portraying the juicy role of country boy bartending in the big city.
I thought you were playing the role of "literal piece of shit".
Not yet.
- Ugh.
It's in my hair.
- Now I'm a literal piece of shit.
- Okay.
- [THUDDING.]
Is it Clayface or Fuckface? Hey! Kite Man here.
Thinking about doing a caper, gang.
Not sure what, might steal something, might kidnap somebody.
I don't know, uh, depending on the weather.
But Kite will be involved.
- Who's in? - [ALL.]
I am! Let's do this! I do not fucking believe this.
And then, they all ran off with that loser Kite Man.
Yeah.
What a loser that guy is.
Did he mention my name? You know what, nevermind.
- But did he? - There must be something I'm missing.
- How do I get people to work for me? - She has no fuckin' idea.
Because plants do all this shit for her lazy ass.
[DISMISSIVE GROAN.]
There must be someone who can gimme the inside scoop.
Babe, what real supervillain is gonna give away their trade secrets? Well, maybe not "give away".
[LIGHTS CLANK OFF.]
[THUNDER CRACKING.]
I am Maxie Zeus! And tonight, I "max" all your dreams come true! This guy's such a douche.
I'm sorry, but none of the charming villains with great personalities were holding seminars today.
Joker.
Riddler.
Two-Face.
What do they have that you don't? - [POISON IVY.]
A penis? - A crew! A villain goes in alone, but a supervillain needs henchmen.
When I robbed the 1996 Olympics - [CROWD APPLAUDING.]
- Oh, thank you very much, just lovely.
Fun times.
My crew helped me steal those medals.
And now I literally sleep on a pile of gold.
Ivy, you hear that? Sleeps on gold! Honestly, with the amount of coke this guy does, I doubt he's sleeping on anything.
So, how does one recruit goons? Through a henchmen agency, - or from popular villain - [HARLEY.]
Oh, oh, oh, oh Yes.
The juggler in the third row.
Mr.
Zeus, I tried those things and they didn't work.
You can't let rejection stop you.
Think about the big boys.
Darkseid.
Luthor.
Maxie.
- Are we quitters? - [CROWD.]
No! Neither are you! Okay, I'm out.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Didn't know you were busy.
No, no.
Come in.
Just letting my legs breathe.
You were so inspiring.
If you don't mind, I got a couple questions.
And I've got one big answer.
[SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Wow.
That's just like one of those paintings, you know, where the eyes follow you, except, nope, it's just your greased-up nipples.
Just between us, I painted it.
Shh.
Weird.
So, hey, I was wondering if you'd just gimme some pointers.
Well, I can certainly give you one.
Ah, got it! So you're just a creepy dick.
- I'm not fucking you.
- Oh, really? You were laughed out of UTI.
Yeah! Word gets around.
You'll never get a crew! Because no bad guy will ever work for a woman.
- My two cents.
- Then here's mine.
See a urologist, 'cause creepy dick wasn't just an insult, it was a concern.
And if no bad guy will work with me, then maybe I don't need a "bad guy".
Harley, I told you this, I work alone.
Alone-ish.
- Don't even get me started right now.
- Come on, Ive.
With your ability to control all plant life on Earth, and my gymnastics, I mean, there's nothing we can't do if we team up.
I said no.
I mean, I got a brand.
You know? It's like, adding gymnastics to it, it's a very muddled message.
Tell her the real reason, you lying motherfucker.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, God, here we go.
All right, so look, there's a glass ceiling for female supervillains, okay? Like, sure, we're tolerated, but as long as we don't get too powerful.
- Aren't you being a little dramatic? - Guess whose naive ass who hasn't heard of the Queen of Fables.
Go on, Ivy, tell your story.
I'll set the mood.
All right, all right.
Thanks, Frank.
So, a long time ago, way back in the '80s.
There was this powerful sorceress, right? She's known as the Queen of Fables.
Fed up of being a footnote to the male supervillains, she decided to turn Gotham into an evil force by using sorcery to pull characters from the pages of storybooks.
Until she had a whole army at her command.
- Well, what happened to her? - Ask her yourself.
[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
FYI, bailin' out your klepto aunt with the snow globe fetish does not count.
Next.
Uh, hey, I'm looking for the Queen of Fables? Just found her, sweetie.
No.
Why you lookin' up there for? Here.
The book.
Me.
I'm stuck in this bullshit.
I've got 20 minutes till my next appointment.
What's up? Hey, my name's Harley Quinn.
I'm a new supervillain, and I was told I should ask what happened to you.
[SIGHS AND COUGHS.]
All right, buckle up, honey, it's story time.
So there I was with my crew, a bunch of dumb storybook things, when the heroes showed up.
Ugh! It was a horror.
No, no, no.
There's no way Superman did that.
I exaggerate to add flavor.
But the truth is, they punished me in a way no one has ever been punished.
No! [SIGHS.]
Instead of throwing me into Arkham like any male villain, they came up with this bullshit.
I mean, a guy robs a bank, he's a criminal mastermind.
- A woman robs a bank - She's a crazy bitch.
Exactly! Think about it.
A male supervillain can literally look like a deformed penguin, but God forbid we outshine them even a little bit, and into the fucking tax book we go, forever.
Yeah, you can get as big as you want, - as long as you don't get bigger than them.
- Yeah.
You get it.
And your ambition won't just hurt you, it'll hurt the people you care most about.
- Birthday cake for the boss at 4:00.
- Thanks, Mark.
God, I hate this place.
But at least I'm not on the streets turning tricks for cash anymore.
[GRUMBLES.]
Who knows.
Maybe your story will turn out different.
I couldn't get a crew 'cause no one believed in me.
So I had to make my own by believing in stupid little things like Mark.
- No offense, Mark.
- [MARK SIGHS.]
- Queen of Fables, pretty fun, right? - Oh, she was pretty bleak.
Before I left she was like, "I have to use the bathroom.
There, I did it".
Did you send me to her because you think I can't do this? No, Harley, I sent you there because I know that you can.
Look [SIGHS.]
I just wanted you to know what you're up against, you know, 'cause I, uh I love ya.
- Don't make a thing of it.
- [FRANK CRYING.]
[WAILS.]
Anybody feel this shit but me? A man can't show emotion! A man? Fuck you, Ivy.
Look, I appreciate your warning but what Queen of Fables made me realize, is if I want a crew, I shouldn't be looking for scumbags who believe in me, I should be looking for scumbags no one else believes in.
Right, okay.
So, so, so, that was the take away from the chain-smoking book, - and the trick turning cookie? - Yeah! And I know just where to start.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.]
Welcome back.
We have here Dr.
Psycho.
- [AUDIENCE BOOS.]
- He says he's here to apologize for using the C word.
- [WOMAN.]
Woman hater! - What? [LAUGHING.]
Hate women? I cherish them.
No one on God's green Earth respects women like this one.
I know.
I know.
Giganta, girl, how you feelin' about all this? She is devastated, that the world is attacking a man she knows is so kind, - is so loving - Let's hear it in her own words.
Those are her own words.
I'm a telepath, right? She thinks it, I say it.
Isn't that right, honey? - [AUDIENCE BOO.]
- She said "Right".
She did not say "Right"! Did y'all hear her say "Right"? - She was talking to me! - Mmm-hmm.
An individual person who exists outside of you! - Go, girl.
- A person who, - for years you mind controlled - Don't do this.
- into thinking they loved you! - Do not do this! A person who is leaving you! Why, you get back here, - you miserable [BLEEP.]
- [ALL GASP.]
[GASPS.]
Holy shit! He just became the least employable person on Earth.
Exactly.
So, you know, I thought, hey, maybe you should join me and my crew.
[CHUCKLES.]
Join you? I'm in the big leagues, mama.
The L.
O.
D.
The Legion of Doom.
Hard pass! We cannot condone Dr.
Psycho's use of the C Word, as it does not represent our brand of evil.
We hereby banish him from the Legion of Doom, Legion of Doom Europe, and The Junior Doomers of America.
Did I say hard pass? I meant soft accept.
I wanna join your crew.
Not because I think working for a female will help rehabilitate my ruined image, blah, blah, blah It's for other reasons.
I don't hate women! Kinda seems like you do.
Whoo-hoo, the salty language that comes outta your mouth.
I'm just glad my Mama Jean ain't allowed to hear it.
Even hot southern bartender character thinks you're a piece of shit.
But I believe in you, and I think you have a part to play.
Did you say a "part"? Then you must also require the services of - Oh! - Fuck, not again.
- an actor! - You're damn right I do.
You, me, and Psycho.
This is gonna be the start of something huge.
So, what's our first evil scheme? Is it a nuke in a volcano? Evil scheme? Oh, a honey pot heist where I seduce Gotham's mayor with my saucy Sheila character? How do you feel about petty, personal vendettas? No, I'd say more unsettling than creepy.
No, disturbing.
That's it.
Found it.
All right, we're gonna steal this asshole's gold medals and anything else we can get out hands on.
- Like the saying goes - "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned".
Oh, I was gonna say, "The prick has it coming".
But yeah, I like your fancy way better.
All right, here's the plan.
Me and Psycho will go in through the back, find his loot, and clean him out.
Clayface, you go knock on the front door, pretend to be the mailman - to distract him.
- What do we know about this mailman? What are his dreams? His fears, his raison d'etre? Who gives a shit? You're just a mailman.
Brilliant! That's what the world sees.
Just a mailman.
But we [CHUCKLES.]
We know better, don't we? He was a horribly neglected little boy, and he grew up in a cage! The only time he heard rumblings from the outside world was when the mailman came, which is why he spent his whole life dreaming of being one.
Yeah, no.
None of that.
You're just a mailman.
Deliver the mail.
- Oh! She demands perfection, doesn't she? - [GROANS.]
- And she'll get it.
- Mmm-hmm.
My mind is awhirl with a delicious new character - who you'll soon meet.
- No, I can't even.
Who dares disturb a living god, after 9:00 p.
m.
? Here's your mail Dad.
- Dad? - Years ago you met my ma in a piano bar, and knew you must have her.
Damn what your parents thought.
She might have been from the wrong side of the tracks, but she was on the right side of your heart.
- The fuck is he doing? - I'm done.
It's really you? I I thought I'd lost you forever after Piano Bar Janet said she - "took care of it".
- Oh, she tried.
- But it didn't take.
- Of course it didn't.
For you are half god! So, who do you need me to mind control to open the door? No, no, no one.
Just squeeze in the crawl space, get into the house, and open it from the inside.
Are you shittin' me? I'm a genius telepath, why you wasting me on this? You're the only thing small enough to fit.
Got it.
Son of a bitch! - [THUDDING.]
- Argh! My eyelashes just touched a dead raccoon! Quit your bitchin' and keep going.
God this is humiliating.
[MAXIE ZEUS.]
Son, we have much to catch up on.
Yes, Father.
Or should I call you Dad? Call me almighty Zeus.
God of the sky and thunder.
Supreme ruler of Olympus, and all of Earth below.
Okey-doke.
[DR.
PSYCHO.]
Wow! And I'm an egomaniac.
[HARLEY.]
Yeah.
This looks about right.
Where the fuck does he keep those stupid medals? Easy.
He said he literally sleeps on a pile of gold.
[GRUNTS.]
And then after getting the Medal of Honor in war I toured the world playing ping-pong.
What a remarkable journey your life has been.
And so oddly similar to that of Forrest Gump.
It is rather strange you don't share your mother's brilliant blue eyes.
My mistake, I guess.
Trick of the light.
Although I don't know how you avoided her family proclivity for Hunchback? Ah-ha! The Olympic gold medals.
What the hell? Son, you are the spitting image of your mother.
[LISPING.]
I'm so glad you think so, Daddy Zeus.
But it's so sad she suffered from a lisp.
Oh, you lying piece of shit! Do you really think I'd fall for this? Perhaps? Who do you work for, monstrosity? Joker? Oh, no, you didn't! Wait, wait, wait, don't emasculate him.
Riddler? No, no, no, he's about to rally.
I can feel it.
The Penguin? Tell me who you work for, creature, or the next blow will be a killing one.
He works for me, you oily bitch! Well, if it isn't the girl I chose not to have sex with.
Regrettably, you're too late I'm afraid.
[WHIMPERS.]
No! [SCREAMS.]
[LISPING.]
Thanks, Psycho.
All right, dickhead.
Just drop the lisp.
I wish I could, but I bit my tongue.
You said no woman could ever get a crew of bad guys.
Well, I didn't just get bad guys, I got two of the fuckin' worst.
You call that a crew? A midget and a mudslide? [LAUGHS.]
I'll give you once chance to tell the world Harley Quinn's crew ain't nothing to fuck with.
Or what? [SNAPS FINGER.]
Fine.
- I'll say it.
- Oh, I know you will.
Motivational speaker, and self-proclaimed supervillain, Maxie Zeus, was found beaten this morning.
- [MAXIE ZEUS GROANS.]
- Oh, oh! Follow me, follow me.
Mr.
Zeus, how did this happen? Who did this terrible thing to you? All I can say is, Harley Quinn's crew ain't nothing to fuck with.
Sounds like Harley Quinn, former girlfriend of the Joker, is striking out on her own.
Holy fucking shit, Harls.
You did it.
I would not have seen that coming.
It's been 30 long years since a female villain had a crew.
When the Queen of Fables tried to smash through that glass ceiling but was imprisoned in the US Tax Code by The Justice League.
'Cause they're bitches.
But I'll be damned.
Harley's actually going for it.
One thing's for sure, the Joker's ex may soon become his biggest competitor.
- This is - [GUN FIRING.]
Well, you know, congratulations.
I mean, I know gold medals aren't a nuclear warhead, but you gonna start somewhere.
Oh, no, I got a warhead.
I traded the gold medals for it.
Get outta town, where is it? I used it to blackmail the city just like I said I would.
Hey, y'all, it's me again.
This just in, we take you live to a high-speed chase on the abruptly renamed Harley Quinn Parkway.
I'll be fuckin' damned.
Totally worth it.
Right? [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]